No longer a metal head, a stoner or a Goat Boy, SNL's Jim Breuer deals with being a middle aged suburban dad in his first comedy special for Epix. In HD.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00all right now this special is a little different because it's all it's it's family you got pointers
00:14knock yourself out i'm all ears you can be family but be outrageous drop some m-bombs drop some m-m
00:21bomb drop an s-bomb b y s foul language i'm not being foul but thank you just make sure it's
00:29funny that's what you gotta do funny funny how you know how jones is i you guys is this
00:37i'm just f***ing mrs jocelyn i'm really sorry ozzy i don't i don't let's get crazy
00:47all right listen listen listen all i gotta do is be funny i'm gonna do laughter for all laughter
00:56for all
00:58ladies and gentlemen please welcome jim brewer
01:04oh
01:10oh
01:12oh
01:14oh
01:18oh
01:22oh
01:24oh
01:26oh
01:36ah thanks for coming out man especially if you got families nothing gets young people but your life is so
01:42easy you have no clue it's just basically you want to go out and you go yeah that's that's how simple
01:49life is you want to go out yeah let's stay out all night let's just stay let's get on a train and
01:58go across the country tonight we'll quit work i got no money who cares we'll we'll live on a freight
02:06train for three weeks i'll call subway tom i can't make it i'll text them i'll text them
02:13it's harder once you once you become an adult you have to pick and choose what you're gonna do
02:22like events if you're gonna really go out you pick your events like like my wife and i we the last
02:29time we went to an event was probably over a year ago i'm not talking about going out find a babysitter
02:36and that i'm talking about an event and i took her to a concert which you just you don't do
02:44when you're domesticated with kids what you do is shows that's what you used to you used to go
02:49in a place where they have a brochure and you and you walk in like oh look look
02:56brad garrett is in this how exciting as oh he'll be singing
03:01you're looking at the theater i heard i've been in costello was in here at one time
03:08such a lovely theater look they're bringing back cats how exciting
03:15so you that that's what i'm used to so you know we go to a concert now i have to preface
03:22by saying concert i grew up a metal head i love 80s yeah yeah yeah yeah 80s metal like metallica
03:33yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ooh yeah a lot of yes a lot of yes and news with this yeah you know and acdc
03:47and all those guys yes now listen here's here's the funny part about metal is first of all it's
03:55it's getting old now that because yeah if you listen to metal there's no young metal good bands
04:02out there and i'm listening to it's the it's becoming oldies how scary is that but you know what
04:07embrace it i want to be that i want to be that grandfather in the back seat of the car
04:14with my grandkids just really not sure where i'm at
04:24and when and when you get older you just want music that's the only thing that touches your
04:29soul so i want to be in the back seat hey could you turn on my station please
04:35what are we listening to they're not even singing and my my grandkids are going don't turn on his
04:46station mom station mom the station sounds like they're sacrificing animals
04:54how great will that be that moment when you're in that back seat all us old 80s metal guys and you
05:01hear hey you're listening to the oldies goldie station
05:04as we thank a good lord for another breath of air today
05:14this is going out to the class of 82 and if you're turning 82 today
05:22this is for you this is metallica's creeping death
05:26and we're going to be in the back seat and we'll be in that back seat i guess you
05:40do you hear his lyrics that's music right there die your grandfather's gonna die because
06:03this is creeping death on a way turn it up turn it up you know you're gonna need us oldie metalheads stick
06:15us in nursing homes and assistant living we are gonna rip those places up all the old metalheads please
06:24come to the rec room
06:28for the wheelchair mosh pit hour
06:33line it up freddy turn on mega death
06:35let me help you up mr brewer don't you touch me this is how we did it back in the day
06:58you got me good charlie you got me good
07:13hey you know what metal is just old metal is just it's the wiggles for adults that's all it is
07:21i i'll tell you why it's the way this i'm telling it's the wiggles that's all it is if you don't know
07:26metal it's wiggles if you have little kids and you bring them to the wiggles my kids love the wiggles
07:36i i'm really disappointed in my life and career that i missed the boat on how to make real money the
07:43wiggles
07:46i'm paying 150 dollars a pop and there's a guy with a yellow shirt
07:56and my kids like the beatles oh sure can i get a shirt i'm in line 40 deep like can i get a yellow shirt
08:12it's a wiggle and then they do their hit song and the place erupts you know what their hit song is
08:18fruit salad
08:26yummy yummy
08:31and these kids are like i need a fruit salad shirt i need a fruit salad shirt please
08:38let me get the fruit salad shirt the yellow one the yellow one
08:41but then i realized metal it's it's the same thing just that we're older 80s metal is the wiggles
08:52but it's for adults that's all it is it's all it's great here i'll prove it to you who's in the iron
08:58maiden anywhere in iron maiden okay all right now yes you're in iron maine you love the music
09:03yeah yeah i get it well let's be honest when you go see iron maiden live what are you really
09:17hoping shows up at that concert eddie eddie for those of you going what are they talking about
09:25eddie is a mascot it's just a big skeleton what is it i don't know but you'll stand there
09:34for an hour like this song and then all of a sudden
09:38and then a grown adult oh man it's eddie
09:53eddie just came out you're missing it bro you're missing it bro let me get an eddie shirt two eddie
09:58shirts it's all blue that's all eddie it's the wiggles
10:02ozzy osbourne he's a wiggle i love him wouldn't ozzy's voice be great on a gps
10:12it'd be entertaining but useless
10:16calculating rude
10:18it's my wiggle though um so with that said we go on our event we're going to see a concert
10:40and we're going to see metallica live now yeah i totally tricked my wife
10:48you know i played the slow song
10:53oh i like that song it's not so scary yeah see they changed they evolved
10:59so we get to the show all right and we get there we sit out i forget i'm domesticated now
11:13she's like is there a brochure i'm like all right we're looking around the stadium brochure whatever
11:19now here's when you know you're too old to be going to concerts first of all the name of the bands
11:26is already a tragic mistake here's the opener so you're ready for this just the names anthrax
11:34megadeth and slayer okay all right did you hear all right yeah you hear that you hear that let me tell
11:46you something about slayer fans they there that was the scariest time of my life when the slayer fans showed
11:55up that's the first time i feared my own race i'm not even kidding you i feared my own race they look
12:03like the extras from lord of the rings right before slayer came out someone came out
12:10release the slayer fans they came out of nowhere under the ground tattooing their faces
12:22slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer we're here to witness slayer and i'm i'm hovering my wife like
12:37everything's gonna be okay
12:38slayer we're only gonna be on for like 15 minutes slayer slayer slayer we're gonna be safe
12:50so slayer's about to go on right before metallica the lights go out now i forget i'm domesticated so
12:58when the lights go out of the show i still get that giddy feeling it's so starting because i'm used to you
13:06like beauty and being a beauty and being a man why they're so mean to the beast they don't get better daddy
13:17so
13:25so the lights go out and i hear
13:31and i is there a train coming
13:35and i turn around and there's about 500 slayer fans and they're heading right for the stage
13:44and they're not using the aisles to get there
13:54chairs are being flung people flying up in the air
13:59i looked at my wife like every man for himself
14:04we're doomed i'll see you on the other side
14:06i get ran over run over i'm 45 years old and this crowd knocks me down by the way not one slayer fan
14:19said excuse me
14:23so i'm on the floor now if i listen listen when you're when you're 20 25 years old you get knocked to the
14:31floor you get right up yeah and you might even get a cheap shot hey what's the prop
14:40but i'm 45 you know i take i take cardio kickboxing with soccer moms and
14:45and i rock it at seven eight yeah kick punch punch kick punch punch
14:53but kick punch punch uppercut uppercut
14:58but i'm a slayer i'm down and i can't get up so every time i get up another guy takes me
15:06and they keep coming by me and i turn around i get knocked down again but now i have responsibilities
15:13so while i'm fearing for my life and trying to get up i'm texting the babysitter
15:21it's gonna be a little later than i anticipated
15:27please apologize to your mother for me
15:31no i finally i finally get up and i'm in a tsunami of humans and i end up about three feet from the stage
15:41i didn't ask for these seats and the slayer starts
15:51someone's good sacrifice tonight
15:55most likely it'll be you with me talking to me
16:01just talking to me now it's so crowded that my feet aren't touching the ground
16:06so so when the crowd moved i have no control where i'm going
16:17i guess we'll watch this guy for a while
16:22okay we're done with this guy
16:24you guys know the stage is that way right i'm just saying
16:37took me about 15 minutes to finally get back to my seats
16:43my wife's still missing to this day i don't know where she's at
16:46i've got two new tattoos on my rump
16:53and i finally felt safe and i went great my towel could be on soon these guys are done and just when
17:00i started to go
17:01i started to go ah slayer goes this is our last song yeah so if you're a big slayer fan
17:13show everyone around you what slayer fans are all about
17:26and i i didn't get the brochure i said if you're a slayer fan pounds punch kick throw down anyone 30 and over
17:41that looks confused
17:46like what what a bizarre place to be like i love this song
17:49like where we come as a society where to show your enjoyment for something that's how we react
18:00my parents are uh my dad's 90 my mom's 85 right now they come from that world war ii era the whole
18:08world was at war there was anger it was alcoholism it was a lot to be worried about and so when they
18:16vented they'd get crazy but to them this was crazy give me a martini i'm getting crazy
18:29once in a while hen would go up like oh she's getting nuts
18:41hey how do we go from that to i love this song
18:57and as the smoke clears there's one guy going i'm your biggest fan
19:11that was my last event
19:26so yeah i got i have to grow up i have uh i have three kids and yeah yeah right like your attitude brother
19:35you would think that i'd be pretty open-minded with my kid i'm very strict my daughter's 13 still no
19:44phone no phone no no no no no and i don't negotiate why can't because no give me a good reason no and no
19:59i don't know and they'll try everything we will you know everybody in like america
20:10a 13 has a phone dad well you don't you're special be different how exciting i'm gonna be a cow like the
20:18rest of them no and this is i get more grief from parents than actually parents will come up to it you
20:26you know is that true about your daughter and not having a phone 13 it's ridiculous it's ridiculous
20:34my child came out of the womb gave her an ipad right at me
20:38it's socialism pal you got it it's where they live all right let me ask you this let me ask you this
20:43what happens
20:47all right what happens if your daughter is dropped off at the bus stop early
20:53okay that's a great question then she walks 50 feet to the house like where's your kid getting
21:04dropped off is that a dilemma in america they're dropping us off in iowa by accident like this
21:10kids walking around a corn store i can't believe it we're stuck in iowa again just
21:18if i only had a phone
21:21diane i can't see you stupid boss i don't have a phone either what are you talking about this is the
21:29other one i got this guy's like excuse me all right let me ask you this okay does your child play sports
21:37yeah she plays yeah sport okay oh what happens if your child goes to sports practice and it's done
21:47early huh what happens then i go wait where are you dropping your kids off what are they stuck in a
21:53gymnasium for like a week on they left me here i'm all alone and i can't get out i can't believe this is
22:01happening like how can you not know your coach how can you not know some other teammates and have contacts like
22:10what are you just showing up behind like a shopping mall where the mexicans play soccer
22:16you know that one field in your town where you're like oh that's where the mexicans play soccer
22:21and they're like and they're into it they're fantastic
22:35you know and you're good yeah
22:37and you show up going hey uh amigos um
22:47my daughter wants to play she's really good on defense so
22:51we don't have a phone so i'll come back in like 45 minutes
22:56have fun with the amigos will you hun
22:58what about this one you ever get this all right your daughter doesn't have a phone what if
23:08what if there's an emergency in school all right let's let's say that all right let's say the kid
23:17is on the floor she's foaming at the mouth something happened maybe i don't know she had the wrong food
23:23she's and everyone's gathering around her like oh my god it's a little girl she's like what's your name
23:32cabrielle okay well there's nothing we can do for her because she doesn't have a phone
23:44it's definitely a challenge i uh the oldest one is at that age she's beautiful she's a teenager
23:50you know the boys are starting to look at her a certain way and the boys show up
23:55i don't know i don't know what i'm gonna do and i other men are like this oh you gotta get a gun
24:02just clean the gun when they show up and i'll scare them that that's not a hundred percent proof but
24:09i think i'm on to something when that first boy shows up i'm dressing like a transvestite
24:14bing bong hi freddie
24:24trying on my wife's clothes
24:27come join me come on look good get the boots
24:31how come they never show up i don't know i don't know yeah every kid is different my middle kid
24:45she's um she's really funny really funny and she's clever probably the most clever one in the bunch
24:52here's the irony of her being clever is she's got the brewer look
24:59yeah you know the look the one that half you've been judging that you never see me live like wow he
25:03comes on stage looking like that so and i i didn't realize how funny this look was
25:11until i saw my daughter staring at a butterfly for an hour
25:26and she thank god that social services weren't doing spot checks
25:31i would have been bad trouble like oh my goodness we got a child i don't know what she's on the front
25:36so this kid looks wrecked she's wrecked she's her face is all relaxed she can't even speak what are you
25:43doing
25:51and this lady this lady pulled up as she gets out of the car and she's concerned for my daughter
25:57she's coming up to my door and watch she's going sweetheart there's something wrong with this child
26:02who is with this child and then that's when i have to come out uh excuse me
26:25she's with me she's with me and uh we're checking out butterflies if you want to join us
26:43you're laughing on my kid's face
26:50by the time you hit the third one i find myself lying just to not deal with it you know the kid
26:59the poor kid will come like dad can we go to the park oh man it's closed
27:08i wanted to go and i googled it said closed it's a beautiful day and then i got in a car and it's
27:15broke down the only thing working is the game that dad's watching it's so annoying so annoying
27:21it's aggravating it's not fair it's not fair
27:27you know but because you can't reason with kid i don't i don't reason with a kid
27:32i don't read my daughter hits the floor and starts whining i just step right over them
27:37okay let me know that works out this is a high kidnapping area so be careful
27:49my wife though she'll engage she'll engage with the little one and i'll tell you that's when a
27:56relationship is really really challenged because you're supposed to stick together as a team
28:03raising a child they tell you that you got to stick together but it's hard sometimes when you walk
28:10into a situation you know picture yourself walking in and my little one my little one was on the floor
28:17she's screaming
28:20my wife's broken she broke my wife broke her right in half snapped my wife snapped she starts counting
28:27thinking this will make it better it just adds the chaos so right so i walk in she's like yeah this
28:35is what i walk into i come out of the car happy like yeah i'm going home isn't this great
28:40hang out with the kids boom there it is get up off the floor
28:46you're acting completely out of control right now and i don't know where you get this from
28:52you don't get it from anyone this house i'll tell you that right i'm gonna start counting to five
28:59and when i get to five i swear to you if you're not up off the floor and in your bedroom getting
29:05ready with your pajamas on i'm putting you up for adoption do you understand me one i've just started
29:11counting you're not even moving because you don't listen nobody listens in this house you want a phone
29:17you're never gonna get a phone because i've asked you ten times to clean the kitty litter ten times
29:25nobody does their chores and nobody don't ask for anything from now two you haven't moved since i
29:32started counting because you don't believe me you think you haven't do you act this way in school
29:37do you act this way in school i'm gonna start videotaping you and i'm gonna send it to your teacher
29:42teacher this is your student i don't know what she's like in the classroom but at home she's
29:47completely out of control and maybe you can do something about this
29:56i'm filing the papers as we speak there is still kitty dung in the kitty litter i can smell it
30:05do your chores or you never get whose shoes are these i'm throwing them out
30:09get up off the floor right now and then she sees you and then you as a father ask a question that you
30:23think is just a common sense question for this situation what's going on
30:31what's going on did you just ask me you just asked me what's going on don't you dare come in our house
31:00we built this house together me and you were together long before any of you children ever
31:07existed kitty litter i'm not gonna say it again don't you dare come in this house insinuating a
31:16situation at hand you think i'm the bad guy you didn't see what has led up to the situation that is
31:24driving me mad you know i'm not normally like this these things drive me to this
31:32don't you ever come in here and ask me what's going on you want to know what's going on you want to
31:37really know what's going on ask your daughter what's going on
31:44tell your father why you're completely out of control
31:48and just like in every movie when it looks like your hero has finally met his doom
32:14the unsung hero comes out of nowhere to save the day and that's my middle kid
32:23she comes out of nowhere i don't know what to do she comes in from outside
32:27okay here's here's the situation at hand dad um oh boy uh i would have never walked into this
32:50situation but you did so let me explain what's going on she's on the floor because she asked mom
32:58if we go to the park today because she clearly knew you were lying she's at that age
33:05and mom said yeah we knew the park today as long as mommy gets to finish all the things that mommy
33:11needs to do well she she clearly didn't hear any of that all she heard was we're going to the park
33:19so she barraged mom with about 37 straight when we go to the park you said we go to the park what
33:25about the park you said we're going to the park when we go to the park about number 17 mom snapped
33:31into the current condition she's in
33:33and said we're going to the park so you can witness me burning it down so you can never go to a park
33:41again ever
33:46she then dropped to the floor uh which is very effective at the grocery store in a mall so it
33:52doesn't work at home you need to understand that but i'm here for the ipad can i borrow the ipad so i
33:58can look up the origins of a monarch butterfly dad i suggest you come with me outside i'm with you
34:05let's get out of here
34:15my wife need a break don't feel bad mothers because she felt bad because she was like i think i
34:21i want to get rid of the kids don't you feel better i saw a couple of you belly laughing you
34:29feel bad because they do that to you so so i said this is what i said listen listen here's what we're
34:35gonna do i'm gonna take the kids for a week you call one of your friends and you take a trip
34:51all right it's just us gang uh i didn't even finish the senate she was out of their jet bag
35:09landed in naruba
35:10so
35:18so i turned to my kids because that's another thing you got to entertain them they want entertainment
35:22and if you don't have other kids you're in trouble i said half the kids are out in camp or whatever so
35:26i go okay gang here's what we're gonna do you guys pick one thing we can all do together this week
35:33it's got to be free
35:39and it's got to be family friendly okay now the little clever one comes back 10 minutes later dad
35:46we were all listening to the radio i live in new jersey and they have this place in jersey which i
35:51didn't really know about she goes dad there's this place right here in new jersey it's called great
35:58adventures safari park oh you already know what i'm talking about
36:05all right so you're gonna know this so and i didn't believe them so i'm like great adventures
36:12yeah it's a safari but you take your car and you drive through the zoo and the animals are wild it's
36:19like being on a real safari but with your car so can we and it's free with a can of pepsi you bring
36:26a can of pepsi it's totally free all right see you know what i'm talking about you heard that wrong
36:36can of pepsi free yes it said great entertainment for a can of pepsi great adventure safari park so
36:43can we go and when they're on something forget can we go can we go can we go can we go can we go
36:47you said we can go we're going in the car we got a case of pepsi they had a case of pepsi sitting in
36:51the car you said we can go it's free come on a can of pepsi we go it's free it's family friendly you
36:58said it we googled it we got your phone we already go so there so i'm driving and i'm annoyed because
37:07there's no way there's no way going through a safari and a can of pepsi i'm not buying it so i'm i'm mad
37:13i'm driving down there and like you know if i gotta pay 80 to see a stupid zebra and a peacock dad
37:23it's free okay with a can of pepsi it'll be free you'll see when we get in here now this is what i
37:29was thinking dad if it's free with a can of pepsi right you drive around now since we got a case
37:36shouldn't we be able to just drive round and round
37:46no that's not how it works well i'm gonna ask them all right well you you do that
37:55now we get to great adventure safari park the first thing i see is long line really long line
38:03to get in but i notice that's to get in to the roller coasters and stuff and i look to my left
38:09my dad it's over there and there's a safari park entrance red flag number one nobody's online
38:21pull up and i don't know where they found this poor woman i think they took her out of the nursing
38:27home for the day just get her air like marge you want to collect tickets today
38:31collect tickets come on get the chair pull the car up we're gonna go see animals and collect
38:40tickets today so we pull up there's little marge she's at the ticket booth she's not even looking
38:47at it she's like welcome to great adventure safari park the animals are wild they are dangerous
38:58do not open up your window to attempt to feed the animals they will try to get in your car
39:07it is 89.99 per person
39:15look at the kids are you kidding me unless you got a can of pepsi then it's free
39:27which now all three kids look at me go
39:36hold on a second it's free with a can of pepsi yep it's our radio promotion it's great entertainment
39:44for a can of pepsi all right are the animals alive
39:53oh they're very alive and my my daughter goes ask them ask them about the case of pepsi
39:59i'm like oh you got a case of pepsi then you can drive around and around
40:15so a little a little word to the wise if you ever go to this place bring a rental
40:21because first of all all the animals are waiting for you doing oh we got we got a visitor
40:34we got a visitor
40:36there's one elephant he's missing as one of his legs are turned in
40:41but when you get it there's all these baboons waiting for you not monkeys baboons and literally
40:55soon as the gate opened the baboons are on your car trying to rip it to pieces
41:01he's on the side view mirror working this thing for 10 minutes
41:13and i can only go 10 miles an hour that's the law so they're walking alongside your car staring at you
41:24and they're ripping the hubcaps off and the lining on the hubcaps
41:28and they completely engulf your car and the kids are starting to get freaked out
41:34because they're in the window staring at
41:39and the kids are going um dad
41:47dad are we safe
41:51i'm not going to give you false hope i don't know
41:55i've never been to a place where they're ripping the car apart and there's
41:58nobody in sight to help us except for marge
42:04so we we put the car in park because nobody's there and that's then all of a sudden the ostriches
42:10come out of nowhere like yeah
42:17and they instantly attack the car a big ostrich leg
42:21and i hear my car the metal just crunching and these guys are working on the hubcaps and the side view mirror
42:33and i'm trying to make them go away i'm hitting the gas
42:41now i'm moving now i see there's one ostrich checking me out
42:46and i i feel like he's trying to challenge me so i roll down the window
43:00and he sticks his head in
43:05and so he's he's looking at me he's looking at the kids he's looking at me like wow that's a wild animal
43:15so i take my phone i get my daughter like quick put it on camera i'm gonna grab his neck and put my face next to that
43:23but that's when i realized he was sizing me up
43:31because as soon as she's like all right dad i got it on camera i went to grab me duck and he wailed me
43:38and i was knocked out for about three seconds the only reason i know is because when i came to
43:43my kids were in my face going dad oh my gosh you were sleeping really hard you're going just really quick with your eyes
43:55and when i came to and i felt like what's going on he hit me again but now he didn't knock me out
44:00so now i'm fighting this thing i'm fighting the ostrich he's taking a whack at me and i'm like i've been a slayer
44:06i fear i don't fear i do not fear an ostrich so we're going at
44:11he's got he hits me in the belly and i'm trying to grab and we're going and i start i start laughing
44:16and as i laugh he hits me because it's funny at the end of the day i'm fighting a bird
44:25and i'm not even fighting a whole bird i'm fighting a neck and a head and i'm losing i'm losing to a neck and
44:33head i finally get the car and drive take off i ran over at least two baboons i heard them
44:45and i can't see from all the dust i'm just looking for the exit and i turn on the windshield wipers and
44:51i don't have any
44:56and i look at the rearview mirror and there's the baboons next to the ostriches with my windshield wipers
45:09sign of victory and i'm leaving there my head's all busted up i have nothing left in the car
45:16and the kids are like oh dad we're really sorry i said don't you know what don't be sorry because
45:24for a can of pepsi that was great entertainment
45:34unbelievable
45:35all right this is when i knew i was going to go into stand-up comedy um my first real job
45:47was at a department store called sears
45:53and i worked in the paint department and i ruined a lot of homes
45:58you know people come in like oh i'm thinking about painting my uh bedroom what's your stain it
46:10young i don't care so but that's when i discovered i can do voices and i can do characters and i would
46:17call departments all day long and drive them nuts that's before senate live and all that that's where
46:24the pesci really came from me and my friend we saw a raging bull and easy money and i would call
46:29my friend in toy department on like cabbage patch day it was the 80s you know and he'd pick up the
46:35phone like oh this is scott toy department i'm very busy can i put you on home like listen this is
46:40joe pesci i'm coming in here 20 minutes don't put me on hold kid there's only coming right in here
46:45you put me on hold i'm gonna stick your head up where the sun don't shine you understand me
46:49you understand what i'm saying
46:53so i call i would call all these other departments and drive them nuts so this one day i'm in the
46:59hardware department next department over and i'm reading about muumah qaddafi in the 80s he was huge
47:04big big he was a rock star in the 80s he was the first one that was like i do not fear america
47:10you told me i could not have fly no fly zone you send your military here your air force i'll shoot
47:19you down i'll shoot you down it was intense so you know we were like did he just say this guy
47:26let's go to the plane so we sent an air force there and he he shot missiles at a u.s air force he
47:32missed everyone he missed uh and then we bombed his tent
47:36i'm not even trying to be funny it was the tent and that's what we bombed and we missed him so
47:43the point is it was pretty intense back then with muumah qaddafi everyone knew he was so with that said
47:51i'm reading the paper a new guy from hardware comes he was uh excuse me you work here i said yeah i'm jim
47:58i work in the paint department next department over i was just reading about all this crazy stuff like
48:03you might go to war stuff muumah qaddafi i go listen if you need anything let me know everyone
48:08knows me here he goes you know what i need i need you not to be reading a paper in the hardware
48:14department that's a reflection on me you know you're young all you guys are young and you don't realize
48:20some people you need to respect the job you work at i know everything about the craftsman tools
48:25i know everything about the different size of the hammers and i'm here to help people you understand
48:30that's what you're really getting paid to do to help people so if you work in paint you know you
48:35can do for me please go back to paint
48:43wow you're serious huh you know this is sears right
48:51because yeah and they give you a salary and you should respect that
48:55you're right so i'm i'm hot-headed and i go to paint department and my friends like what's
49:01big big doofy kids what's the matter i said the new guy kicked me out he said he knows everything
49:07about craftsman tools and i shouldn't be reading the paper and the hammer so blah blah blah he goes give
49:14him a call he doesn't know you're the call guy he doesn't know you're a clown give him a call
49:18i said i'm gonna call him i said what because what were you doing so i was reading the paper
49:25about muammar qaddafi is call is muammar qaddafi
49:32i said that's so stupid but we'll do it anyway
49:38my hand to god i'm not even gonna exaggerate i'm not even gonna exaggerate this
49:44he's about 50 feet from me 50 feet not yards feet i can see him i hear the phone ringing i'm not
49:53even hiding completely behind the register my head's sticking up and this guy's in full view going
49:58here he comes he's answering so the guy picks up the phone and he goes hello this is gregs here's
50:05hardware valley stream new york how may i help you hand to god i go hello
50:09hello this is the great muammar qaddafi
50:18he's listening he's listening i have just sent six of my libyan missiles
50:24to blow up the serious hardware department
50:34you have 20 minutes to evacuate all of the craftsman pools
50:41and all of the hammers and the people of the hardware
50:51as long as i am the great muammar qaddafi you remember this
50:56my hardware friend long live paint
51:12so yeah that's not the funny part
51:18so my friend and i went into the break room which was attached to the paint department you leave you go in
51:24a stock room it leads to the break room and that's where we would take tag team one hour breaks into
51:30the mall he'd leave for an hour come back i'd leave for an hour come back an hour an hour four
51:37hour shifts we get paid for and we work two
51:4120 minutes go by and i realize let me get into paint nobody's there
51:45i get there and i call the guy from hardware to let him know it was me i was just breaking you in my
51:52apologies let's let's uh let's just make amends he doesn't answer the phone
52:00so now i decide oh i'm gonna snitch on him because you have to answer the phone and tell my supervisor
52:05so i call my supervisor and he doesn't answer so then i call my friend from from toy department
52:12and he doesn't answer and that's when i realize nobody's in the store
52:22and i'm not i'm not comprehending what's really going on i'm really confused like why is nobody
52:30in sears right now there's no customers there's no sales clerk what is going on i don't know and
52:38i'm standing there and all of a sudden someone comes from the stock room brewer let's go what
52:43are you doing we got one more come on come on right now now i saw the panic in his eyes and i
52:48didn't ask questions i thought there was a fire so okay let's go let's go we're running and we're
52:54out of there and while we're running through the stock room i go i don't smell a fire where's the fire
53:00he goes there's no fire the new guy in hardware got a ball threat we're gonna blow up in five minutes
53:19i did what you did i laughed hard i said that wasn't a bomb threat that was me
53:36i said i was like are you kidding me that guy took that as a bomb threat that's what are you
53:44i seriously listen i said i was mooma qaddafi and i sent missiles to hit sears hardware
53:57i i ended by saying long live paint how do you get a bomb threat out of that are you kidding me
54:06that's why all the sears is evacuated yeah and the mall and the mall
54:15he goes you got to go downstairs man you're in bad trouble i said i'm not bad trouble this is
54:20hilarious i'm sorry but that guy from hardware i don't know who he is but he's a suspect there's
54:25something wrong with him he's a suspect he goes there's a lot of cops downstairs brewer you're in bad
54:31trouble so there's cops let's go talk to them they're gonna love this story
54:38so i go downstairs and there's a lot of police officers
54:44and i swear to you the higher the rank the harder they laughed
54:51i i worked all the way up to the sergeant they're like hold on hold on bring the sarge through
54:56sarge come here you got to do the hello man you gotta do that you gotta do that brewer come
55:03here wait this kid is hilarious so the sergeant's howling so you should become a comedian i'll tell
55:09you what that guy is too much the problem is i i think you're funny but the feds are here so
55:16good luck it's out of our jurisdiction if i was you start off with the hello man
55:29so the feds walk in three feds walk in and they're they're a tougher audience i don't know what the big
55:35joke is around here i don't know if everyone thinks it's so funny okay you know i had to fly in from jfk
55:41international airport i had to warn secretary of defense of the situation you think this is funny
55:49kid you think this is a big joke let me explain something to you you don't get to call a lawyer
55:54and you don't get to notify your parents as far as anyone knows i'm the u.s government i'm detaining
56:00you and you're missing do you understand the situation you are in right now no
56:07i'm glad you're confident you got two minutes to tell me your story and you got to look my marshals
56:15in the eyes while you tell the story so whatever the test was i had to stop and look at each one of
56:22them in the eyes so okay i'm in paint
56:33you know and i call the guy
56:34as long as i am mu'ma qaddafi long live paint and that's why we're here
56:54marshall was serious for about 10 seconds and he goes
56:57let him go i'll do the paperwork give me the guy from hardware he's a suspect thank you god bless you
57:09thank you thanks so much thanks for coming out all the best to you thanks so much
57:18no one's better than you guys thank you have a good one be safe and thank you so much
57:35good night guys thank you
57:48good night
58:01good night
58:05good night
58:07good night