Have I Got News for You S69 E05
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00:30APPLAUSE
00:32Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Sue Perkins and in the news this week...
00:42At a palace reception, one footman is guaranteed promotion
00:46after smuggling in some neat gin.
00:49LAUGHTER
00:57Arriving home from his local branch of B&Q,
00:59a Stockport man realises he's made that classic mistake
01:03of leaving something on the roof and driving off.
01:06LAUGHTER
01:12And in Leicester Square, a very thoughtful new conceptual artwork
01:15depicts the special relationship between Sir Keir Starmer
01:18and Donald Trump.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:22APPLAUSE
01:32On Ian's team tonight is an American comedian who, in 2018,
01:36was strongly criticised for her Donald Trump jokes
01:39at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
01:40Good job she didn't do it this year, as she'd now be doing this show
01:43from a maximum-security mega-prison in El Salvador.
01:45Please welcome the wonderful Michelle Wolf.
01:48APPLAUSE
01:50And on Paul's team tonight, a journalist for The Times,
01:53who recently claimed that the BBC is never happier
01:55than when in self-flagellation mode.
01:57Can you blame us? We're awful.
01:58This set alone cost billions. What a waste!
02:00Please welcome Tom Peck.
02:01APPLAUSE
02:15So, we shall begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:18Now, Ian and Michelle, here's yours.
02:21That's Mark Carney, who's won.
02:24Have I got moose for you?
02:26LAUGHTER
02:27And that's the real winner of the election,
02:29who swung it for Canada.
02:31Are you pleased, Michelle?
02:32I think Canada, who I've never actually particularly liked.
02:37Oh!
02:38I love now.
02:39Yeah.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41Mark Carney, he used to be a banker.
02:43Yes.
02:44And I feel like this is the first time ever
02:46that a banker isn't the villain.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50Well, we've got some form with Mark Carney,
02:52because he was in charge of the Bank of England.
02:54Yes.
02:55And according to Liz Truss, he was personally responsible
02:58for the economy collapsing.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01You nailed it, because that was, indeed,
03:03Donald Trump unwittingly having an influence
03:05on the Canadian general.
03:06You can't use those words together,
03:07Donald Trump unwittingly.
03:09It's an oxymoron without the oxy.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13The pro-Trump Conservative candidate lost a 25-point lead,
03:19and that handed victory, of course, to the Liberal Party leader,
03:22Mark Carney.
03:23Well, it is an object lesson.
03:25Populists are not always popular,
03:27which is a great ray of sunshine in the world.
03:30It doesn't really go well with people on the whole
03:32when you tell them you're going to take over their country.
03:35That tends to make people who say, no, you're not really popular.
03:39I do like that Trump is a...
03:41I...
03:42I hope I'm not speaking out of turn.
03:44Not the most attractive man.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:48You're alone there, sweetheart.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51And I think Mark Carney is a bit attractive,
03:53and it's nice to have someone who's not bad to look at
03:56in politics again.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01It's such a low bar, isn't it?
04:06LAUGHTER
04:07So, you are, I presume, all familiar with
04:09Donald Trump's YMCA dance.
04:11Yes.
04:12Have you seen that?
04:13Yeah.
04:14It looks like he's grabbing an imaginary penis in both hands
04:16and just...
04:17LAUGHTER
04:19I always just thought he looked like he was drying himself
04:21with a towel.
04:22Oh, that?
04:23Yeah.
04:24Yes, he does.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:27Yes, you're right, it is much more like...
04:29What have I been doing?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31It's clearly not his penis, because they would have to be...
04:34LAUGHTER
04:40Well, to be fair, if he's getting it up that high,
04:42I think he should get a round of applause.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45Do you want to see Mark Carney celebrating how he dances?
04:48Yes.
04:49Let's have a look.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51I saw that footage of him dancing and I thought,
04:53actually, that guy's pretty cool.
04:54And then I realised it's definitely all over for me.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Do you Americans make jokes about the Canadians?
04:57Do you have any standards, sort of...
04:58I mean, to be honest, it's really going to sound like I'm
05:00piling on Canada, but we don't think about it too much.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04LAUGHTER
05:18Have you heard the Canadian lobster joke?
05:19No.
05:20A man goes into a seafood restaurant and there are two tanks
05:23full of lobsters.
05:24He's told by the waiter that the tank of American lobsters
05:27has a lid on it, because they're always trying to fight
05:30their way out to freedom.
05:32The tank of Canadian lobsters doesn't need a lid,
05:34because as soon as one lobster tries to climb out,
05:36the others all put him back in.
05:38That's a Canadian joke.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41So far, you need a captive...
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Help, I'm being held captive in a TV studio.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49I've been asked to read the order queue against my will.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53I should never have left British Bake Off.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58APPLAUSE
06:04That'll teach you.
06:05That will teach me.
06:06How has Donald Trump been celebrating his first 100 days?
06:10By lying for his teeth.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12And telling people how wonderful it is.
06:14And when the stock market was doing really well last year,
06:16when Biden was president, he claimed it was Trump's own sort of
06:18credit, because people knew he was going to become president.
06:21And now that it's tanking, he's saying it's Biden's fault.
06:23Exactly that.
06:24Particularly nice to say it's the worst 100 days for any president ever,
06:29and he's also been president before.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:35He's out-trump Trump.
06:36Yeah.
06:37He has very recently signed something.
06:40I'm talking the minerals deal.
06:41Oh, yes, with Ukraine, yes.
06:43He's just signed that.
06:44And again, I mean, this was a deal which he told us a great deal about
06:47beforehand, and then when it actually appeared, it's not quite what he said.
06:51He said, well, Ukraine are going to have to pay back all the billions
06:54we've given them to defend themselves, and actually that's not what's going
06:59to happen.
07:00Yes, the other day he boasted that he'd made over 200 deals with other
07:03countries in the world, but there are only 196 countries in the world.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08So he's made the deal four times with one country, which he shouldn't
07:10have bothered.
07:11Maybe it's the one with the penguins.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13Let's have a look at him at the Pope's funeral.
07:16Perhaps he was discussing mineral deals here.
07:19There he is.
07:20I think that was the moment where he had a divine revelation.
07:23He suddenly realised that Putin might be what we call bad.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28Donald Trump's approval ratings after 100 days are the worst of any
07:31president at this stage for 80 years.
07:34It's not his fault, OK?
07:36So who's he blaming?
07:37Oh, fake polls and fake news.
07:39Yeah, the polls are fake.
07:40News.
07:41Any particular outlets we think that he's targeting?
07:43Is it all of them?
07:44Yes, it's all of them.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46New York Times, Washington Post, ABC News and even now
07:49Fox News.
07:50This is what he wrote on Truth Social.
07:53These people should be investigated for election fraud.
07:56They are negative criminals.
07:58They are sick and are truly the enemy of the people.
08:02I wish them well.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:06What did he say about running for a third term recently?
08:10Well, he's not running for anything.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:14He hasn't ruled it out, is what he said, isn't he?
08:18Yeah.
08:19He absolutely has not ruled it out.
08:20He said, that would be a big shattering.
08:23I doubt he's had one of those for a while.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:27What with that diet.
08:29What new product have the Chinese been manufacturing since the US
08:33trade war began?
08:34Glee.
08:35Glee.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37Now, their human rights card is far from blemish-free,
08:41but...
08:42I'm rooting for China?
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45I'm not going to go that far.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48I'm just going to keep my powder dry on China for a bit.
08:51That's all right.
08:52Well, they invented it.
08:53Yes, they did.
08:54Hey!
08:55Hey!
08:56Historical joke, topical show.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59What do we think?
09:00I'll give you a clue.
09:01It's scatological in nature.
09:03What have they invented?
09:04My daughter's got a remote-controlled poo.
09:06She's got remote-controlled poo?
09:08Yeah, it's sort of like a little poo emoji
09:10that you drive around the front room.
09:12I assume that...
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14They must come from China.
09:16This must be an opportunity to make more.
09:18Is it not from Thames Water?
09:20LAUGHTER
09:21APPLAUSE
09:27They have made this rather alarming toilet brush.
09:30There it is.
09:32LAUGHTER
09:33He may be faring badly with the electorate,
09:36but he's still connecting with a few floaters.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39This is the news that Canada, for so long,
09:43the bus of jokes for being incredibly dull and boring,
09:46has now chosen to be run by a bank manager.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50Meanwhile...
09:51Donald Trump was initially reluctant to sign a deal
09:53that only gave him access to Ukraine's titanium and lithium.
09:57In the end, he only agreed when Zelensky threw in their entire deposits
10:01of made-upium and unobtainium.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05According to the Daily Mail,
10:06Donald Trump may become the fifth president
10:08to have his face carved on Mount Rushmore.
10:11Though to get the colour right,
10:12they really should do it in Australia.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15Donald Trump told reporters,
10:19I'd like to be Pope!
10:21Oh, my God.
10:22Well, he does tick some of the boxes,
10:24he thinks he's infallible,
10:25he believes he was chosen by God,
10:27and he's really comfortable around sexual predators.
10:30APPLAUSE
10:37Paul and Tom, here are yours, my lovelies.
10:39Yes.
10:40This is a...
10:41Oh, the lights have gone out.
10:42So, this must be Spain and Portugal,
10:44and there's a man directing traffic by everybody ignoring him,
10:47and this is when the lights probably came back on again.
10:49Is it?
10:50No, it isn't.
10:51Oh, it is dark again.
10:52There they are.
10:53Yeah, Spain and Portugal,
10:54they had a massive power cut, didn't they?
10:56It's the whole of Spain just powering down for the afternoon.
10:58I've heard of it.
10:59I've never seen the pictures.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01Incredible.
11:02It is the news that a massive power usage caused chaos
11:04for millions of people in Spain and Portugal,
11:06transport badly affected,
11:07one high-speed train between Seville and Barcelona
11:10stopped in the middle of nowhere,
11:11and according to the Times,
11:13passengers reported being stationary for two and a half hours
11:16with no Wi-Fi or air conditioning,
11:18plus the toilets stopped working.
11:21It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25What, just two hours?
11:29Perhaps the most disturbing sign of societal breakdown,
11:33drivers moved uncharacteristically cautiously.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38Stopping courteously for pedestrians.
11:42Hmm.
11:44Mail Online leapt into action at this moment,
11:46and they sent an urgent call-out to any Brits in Spain
11:49without electricity or mobile phone signal.
11:52Has your holiday been affected?
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56Get in touch.
11:57What?
11:58How?
11:59LAUGHTER
12:00How did British holidaymakers in Benidorm cope?
12:03Well, they were already blacked out.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:07Well, you're pretty much right, actually.
12:09Charlie Robb was enjoying a beer with mates in Benidorm
12:12when all the power went off.
12:13He told The Sun they just carried on regardless.
12:17We only gave up when it got so dark
12:19we couldn't see what we were drinking.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23They should have had a Bud Light.
12:25Do you know, I'm a real twat because he might have been from Totnes.
12:30Yeah.
12:31Wasn't that from Totnes?
12:34It sounded like a real working-class person.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:40He kept drinking until he got dark.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:44That's much more authentic.
12:46To be honest, I've drunk in total darkness.
12:48It doesn't matter what you're drinking.
12:49No.
12:50Just grab onto it and neck it.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:54And that's what I said to the arresting officer.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59I personally love that Spain was like,
13:02we don't really know what happened.
13:03Mm.
13:04And then Portugal goes, it was Spain!
13:06LAUGHTER
13:08The overriding conspiracy theory here was that the power cut
13:12was caused by Ursula von der Leyen,
13:14feeding it to her Illuminati chums.
13:17Here she is.
13:18Please activate the connection.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20Wow.
13:21The return of Kraftwerk.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23That was actually the EU changing its energy supply
13:25from Russia to the Baltics.
13:26But they did try and blame it on net zero.
13:27And all the papers said, you know,
13:28this just shows that Britain should not rely on solar power
13:31or alternatives and net zero is a disaster.
13:33Because look at Spain.
13:46I think the most impressive thing about the whole ordeal was that
13:51Spain, they got it fixed in a day,
13:53and I've never seen anyone in Spain work that hard.
13:58Can anyone in Spain work that hard?
14:05A British audience clapping uncertainly.
14:09Is this the same thing that happened to M&S yesterday?
14:12Yes, I mean, it was not a similar thing.
14:14Because that was a serious, I'm quite interested in this story, but...
14:17I mean, there were no tomatoes.
14:19We'll get to...
14:21We're going to get to your particular peccadillos and tomatillos.
14:24No, I'm just saying, there are serious things happening in the world.
14:28What's an essential item to have when the power goes?
14:31A tomato!
14:34No, the audio medium.
14:36Radio? Indeed, yeah.
14:38Yes.
14:39They're saying that an essential thing would be a wind-up or a battery.
14:41Oh, yes, you used to get those wind-up radios, didn't you?
14:43Yeah, and that would be the perfect thing so you could tune in
14:45to your local radio station, hear what the news is,
14:47and when you've listened to that for a couple of hours, a gun.
14:53Wind-up radio would be such a good name for a right-wing radio station.
14:58LAUGHTER
14:59You're listening to a wind-up radio.
15:01Oh!
15:02It makes me hypertensive just thinking about it.
15:04I can hear the shock jock in my head.
15:06Who popped up to offer some encouraging words on renewable energy?
15:09This was Sir Tony Blair.
15:11It was, it was.
15:12He returned to intervene in the debate and he told the Labour government
15:15that they shouldn't bother with net zero because it's unpopular
15:18and it's very difficult and they should calm it down a bit.
15:21And the fact that the Tony Blair Institute is very close
15:24and takes a lot of funds from the Saudi Arabian government,
15:27one of the world's biggest oil producers,
15:30probably didn't affect his judgement in the slightest, I would guess.
15:35APPLAUSE
15:36Who else suffered the outage, Ian?
15:39Marks and Spencer's.
15:40Correct.
15:41Yes, it was, yes.
15:42And what particular vegetable was unavailable?
15:43Well, it could be classed as a fruit, but I'd say...
15:47APPLAUSE
15:48This is the blackout in Spain.
15:49During the blackout, traffic lights stopped working.
15:51Confusing cyclists who suddenly found themselves
15:53with no red lights to ignore.
15:55The end of the blackout was created in various ways.
15:57According to BBC News, one man started cheering
15:59when the washing machine came on again.
16:01He then excitedly called his wife through to,
16:03you know, take a look at it.
16:04You know, it's a big deal.
16:05It's a big deal.
16:06It's a big deal.
16:07It's a big deal.
16:08It's a big deal.
16:09It's a big deal.
16:10It's a big deal.
16:11It's a big deal.
16:12It's a big deal.
16:13It's a big deal.
16:14It's a big deal.
16:15He then excitedly called his wife through to empty it.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19Time now for round two,
16:21the strength-o-meter of news.
16:23So, fingers on, brothers, my lovelies.
16:25Right.
16:26Ooh!
16:31Is this fly-tipping?
16:33It is fly-tipping, yes.
16:35Because apart from tomatoes,
16:36fly-tipping really annoys me.
16:38LAUGHTER
16:39Keir Starmer's made a big threat, hasn't he?
16:41He has, eh?
16:42Do you want to see what Keir Starmer's actual tweet said?
16:44Yeah, because it's tough.
16:45Here it is.
16:46This is a message to the fly-tippers blighting our towns and villages.
16:50For too long your actions have gone unpunished.
16:53That ends now.
16:55We'll use drones and new tech to identify your vehicle.
16:58Then we'll crush it.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01And I will have my revenge in this life or the next.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06LAUGHTER
17:07Meanwhile, in Gaza...
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10LAUGHTER
17:11So, what is so special?
17:13We saw a sofa there.
17:14What's so special about that sofa?
17:16It's very big.
17:17And it must have been a hell of a big vehicle to dump it in Gloucester.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20Well, it was tipped on a bit of wasteland just off the B4234,
17:23the village of Lydbrook.
17:25Mm-hm.
17:26And since April, it's been attracting tourists.
17:28Here is the sofa.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30It became such a popular spot for locals, they kept adding more to it,
17:34including a coffee table, a hat stand, a lampshade...
17:37LAUGHTER
17:38..and a potted plant.
17:40And an old lady.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43This is the news that a fly-tipped sofa in Gloucestershire
17:46became a tourist attraction.
17:48Whoever dumped the sofa has done it at the perfect time,
17:50because I do believe, I might be wrong, that this very week,
17:53DFS are having a sale...
17:56LAUGHTER
17:57..which must end soon.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go.
18:03It's hammer time.
18:04BUZZER
18:06Local elections.
18:08There's going to be local elections today, which is Friday.
18:11They were yesterday, which was Thursday.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:15Correct, you're all over it.
18:16We know the results, but it would be rude to talk about them.
18:19Really rude, really rude.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22I said that absolutely anything could happen, and it did.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27To be clear, we're recording this on a Thursday,
18:29we don't know what the results are.
18:30What name were people giving to a possible reform landslide?
18:33Reform-ageddon.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36Is it...?
18:37According to The Sun, it was called a reform-quake.
18:39Ah...
18:40Oh, nice.
18:41That's the best they could come up with.
18:43Yeah.
18:44What about the Reformation?
18:45Reformation's much better, yeah.
18:46Yeah, thank you.
18:47If only I had a job.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:51You can go and work for The Sun with a headliner.
18:52Are you serious, Ian?
18:53Who's going to give you a job?
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55Well, you've got one as Pope.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:59It's not been announced.
19:00You've got to wait for the smoke, haven't you?
19:02Yes, mate.
19:03Come on.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05How did Tory MP Andrew Mitchell try and boost morale in the run-up?
19:11Did he sing?
19:12Did he have a video where he was singing and dancing?
19:14No, he spoke a bit of Latin and swore a bit.
19:16Oh, OK.
19:17Yeah.
19:18He said, pro bono publico, don't bloody panic-o.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:22So, pro bono publico, Ian, how would you translate that?
19:24It means that the lead singer of you two runs a pub.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:36You weren't interested in the real answer, were you?
19:37No.
19:38Come on, tell me, tell me.
19:39Come on, fuck me up.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41For the good of the public, don't panic.
19:43And the idea that a Conservative MP is talking about the public good
19:46is odd.
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50Sorry, that's bias.
19:52Is it over for Kemi Badenoch?
19:54Yeah.
19:55Correct.
19:56I like this idea that they're talking about potentially doing a
19:59pact, like a Tory reform pact.
20:02They won't quite say if it's going to happen, how it will work.
20:06But the Tories have got one party and they change leader every ten
20:10minutes.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12They could come together.
20:13They could be like the trigger's broom of politics.
20:15There's nothing they couldn't do.
20:17What would we call the party if they join up together?
20:19The refectory.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21The refectory.
20:22APPLAUSE
20:24I'm just personally enjoying listening to the fact that you
20:26guys don't have it figured out either.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:29America's falling apart and it's nice to know that...
20:31..you know?
20:32I'm just personally enjoying listening to the fact that you guys
20:35don't have it figured out either.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38America's falling apart and it's nice to know that...
20:40We're doing it in a minor key.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44Our deterioration is done with politeness in the main.
20:47Yes.
20:48Which is, yes.
20:49Keep calm and deteriorate.
20:50Yes!
20:51LAUGHTER
20:52Time now for the odd one-out round.
20:54Just one between you this week and it is...
20:57Anne Boleyn's fingers.
20:59Murders in Midsommar.
21:00Elon Musk's progeny.
21:03And penises on the bio-tapestry.
21:06PHONE RINGS
21:07Well, Anne Boleyn was repeated to have six fingers.
21:11Yes.
21:12She didn't, but it was made up later by Catholic writers.
21:15I think she was meant to have 11.
21:16Sorry?
21:17I think she was meant to have 11.
21:18You're quite right.
21:19We'll take over from here.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:21Finally, some sense.
21:22APPLAUSE
21:23Carry on, you buzzword.
21:24I want to hear you talking about Midsommar Murders
21:25like you've ever heard of it before.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27With the bio-tapestry, they discovered, some academic says,
21:29that man has a penis on display and everybody else said,
21:36look, come on, it's a scabbard, he's clearly somewhere to keep his sword.
21:39And he said, no, it's an undiscovered penis,
21:41so there's one more penis on the bio-tapestry.
21:45They're quite a lot, but this is an extra.
21:47So I'm thinking with Anne Boleyn, I'm thinking the connection is,
21:51the way to the other woman's face is the only one penis.
21:54I'm thinking, with Anne Boleyn, I'm thinking the connection is extra numbers.
22:01Extra bits. Extra bits.
22:03And Elon Musk has over eight million children.
22:06Oh.
22:09He has a disputed number of children, I think. Yes.
22:12So I would think that three of them are in dispute,
22:15whereas in Midsomer Murders, there is a hell of a lot of murders,
22:18but there's a clear figure. So it could be Midsomer Murders.
22:21It's exactly the right answer.
22:23OK.
22:24APPLAUSE
22:27You're absolutely right. The total number of all of them is disputed,
22:30apart from Murders in Midsomer.
22:32It's witnessed exactly 388 murders,
22:35although the most common cause of death amongst its viewers, old age.
22:40What are some of the more unusual implements used to murder victims?
22:45Someone definitely died with a wheel of cheese involved, I'm sure.
22:48They did, yes. They were crushed by a truckle of blue cheese.
22:52And being submerged in a bowl of hard-boiled eggs.
22:56And forgot the safe word.
22:58Yes.
23:01One death involved a tumble dryer.
23:03Let's have a look at this.
23:05What's the whole body in there?
23:06You could have shrunk in the wash first.
23:10APPLAUSE
23:11Now, the number of penises embroidered on the bio tapestry.
23:15One medieval scholar, Dr George Garnet, thought he'd put the matter to bed six long years ago,
23:20when he totted up a total of 93 penises.
23:23Five men, 88 horses.
23:24Yeah.
23:25However, his medievalist rival, Dr Christopher Monk, he's an expert on Anglo-Saxon nudity.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31That's what he tells the wife.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34That's what he tells the wife.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37He recently spotted a mist penis, which has taken the time of the
23:39penis.
23:40One medieval scholar, Dr George Garnet, thought he'd put the matter to bed six
23:43long years ago, when he totted up a total of 93 penises.
23:46Five men, 88 horses.
23:47Yeah.
23:48However, his medievalist rival, Dr Christopher Monk, he's an expert on Anglo-Saxon nudity.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55That's what he tells the wife.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58He recently spotted a mist penis, which has taken the total to a whacking
24:02great 94.
24:03I'm hoping that that is not a penis in the tapestry, because it looks
24:06rather infected.
24:07Yeah.
24:08It looks like one of those things you see in fog with a red light on the
24:10top of it that'll let you know it's there.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12Penis beacons.
24:13Yeah, that's it.
24:14Penis beacons, yeah.
24:15Cocklights.
24:16Soggy cocklights.
24:17Yes.
24:18I used to go out with his sister.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:20So...
24:21Professor Garnet, who's written a paper describing 93 penises he's
24:23discovered on the tapestry, said he believed that the original designer had
24:25an obsession with male genitalia.
24:29All right, mate, you're the one counting them.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32I think the original designer had an obsession with male genitalia.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36I think this is a common thing that men do, is that they think, you
24:38know, we'd like to see their penises a lot.
24:39They send us all these pictures of them.
24:40Are you suggesting the tapestry is one giant dick pig?
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43Why don't people know how many children Elon Musk has got?
24:44Doesn't he believe that he needs a legion?
24:45He keeps using the tapestry.
24:46He keeps using the tapestry.
24:47He does.
24:48In order to repopulate the globe in his own image, because only when
24:50everyone is like Musk, will humanity...
24:53I can't even finish the sentence.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56I can't even finish the sentence.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59A common thing that men do is that they think, you know, we'd like to
25:01see their penises a lot.
25:02They send us all these pictures of them.
25:03Are you suggesting the tapestry is one giant dick pig?
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06Why don't people know how many children Elon Musk has got?
25:08Doesn't he believe that he needs a legion?
25:10He keeps using this word, a legion of children.
25:12He does.
25:13In order to repopulate the globe in his own image,
25:15I can't even finish the sentence.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19He's said to have been, er...
25:21Offering his sperm to friends.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25Just a sherry for me.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:32Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week
25:34features as its guest publication...
25:37Openings.
25:38The magazine of the British Blind and Shutter Association.
25:42And we're going to start with...
25:44For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy what?
25:48Just off the M5 motorway.
25:50For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual, er...
25:53LAUGHTER
25:55..of Giles Band... Oh, no, forget it.
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00Even the thought of it, you can't get through the sentence.
26:02I can't say that.
26:03For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual favours
26:06of Giles Brandriff just off the M5 motorway.
26:08That's what I was going to say, but obviously I won't say that now.
26:10For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the latest...
26:13Hello? What happened there?
26:15Deviation.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17APPLAUSE
26:19The answer is...
26:22A murder mystery night with the British Blind and Shutter Association.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27Next.
26:28Night vision camera captures a beaver in Cornwall.
26:32What?
26:33Split in the arm.
26:34A second home.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38They're barely there most of the year.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41The answer is...
26:43Breaking Wind.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45Do you want to see the video?
26:46BIRDS
26:48BIRDS
26:49LAUGHTER
26:50Yep, a click there from Dave Attenborough's new series,
26:53Blue Off Planet.
26:54So...
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56Finally, there's a saying in the shutter community.
26:59The bigger your window...
27:01The wider your wall!
27:02The wider your wall!
27:03The bigger the window, the more likely it's a door.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07The bigger the window, the more likely Putin will throw you out.
27:10Well, that's a saying in the shutter community.
27:12It is.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14You were all sort of in the right ballpark.
27:15No, we weren't.
27:16The bigger your louvre need to be.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19And if you are wondering what a louvre shutter is,
27:23it's a stroppy French bloke telling you the gallery is closing
27:25just as you get to the Mona Lisa.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:28Final scores!
27:31Oh, we have Ian and Michelle on five,
27:34and Paul and Tom also on five.
27:37It's a dead heat!
27:38Well done!
27:39I've so nearly won.
27:41I did not go on that one.
27:42No.
27:43On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:45Ian Hislop and Michelle Wolfe, and Paul Merton and Tom Peck,
27:48and I leave you with news that at an interactive Only Fools
27:51and Horses event, staff carefully position the audience
27:54as the actors prepare to perform the famous chandelier scene.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00At Tate Modern, visitors are baffled by a new exhibit called simply
28:04Fabricant.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:09And in the Loire Valley, there is a moment of embarrassment
28:12for the height-sensitive Emmanuel Macron,
28:14as a photographer captures him inspecting the asparagus crops.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:21Good night.
28:22APPLAUSE
28:23Keeping it topical on BBC Sounds, pre-trial news from America
28:38in the latest Diddy on Trial podcast,
28:40Mourinho shares the secrets of success,
28:43how to win the Champions League on BBC iPlayer.
28:47Well, here next, Billy Piper joins Austin's coach trip.
28:51APPLAUSE