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00:00And it's a great, great morning, so a big bonjour-do from yours truly to all you hap-happ
00:11happy he's and she's out there in Tranieland.
00:17Sun is shining, world is turning, can't be bad.
00:25Stand ever so by, pencils boys, it's recipe-bib-bib-time.
00:30And today we've got a real treat, pork fritters in sour cream, yum-yum.
00:52Have you no respect for the dying?
00:57You're not dying.
00:59I'm hoping to.
01:00Oh.
01:02Ew.
01:06Tell me something.
01:07Yeah?
01:08That terrible girl at the party last night.
01:11Yeah?
01:12The one that kept giggling and wanted to strip tease.
01:15Yeah.
01:16It was me, wasn't it?
01:19Oh.
01:19Oh.
01:20Yes.
01:21Oh.
01:23I ruined her and her wedding reception.
01:25No, she didn't even notice.
01:27Her labour pain started and she was woofed off.
01:30How's that?
01:31Yes.
01:32A boy.
01:33Seven pounds, eight ounces.
01:35Oh, well, that's for the honeymoon.
01:36You're too.
01:39Ew.
01:39Ugh.
01:41Look at that.
01:42Ugh.
01:43Ooh, put it away.
01:44It'll attract the flies.
01:49I am going for a bath.
01:53Ooh.
01:54With a bit of luck, I might drown.
01:56It was your fault.
01:57You mixed a punch.
01:58There was absolutely nothing wrong with that punch.
02:01Then why has the ladle turned green?
02:06I don't know anything about drinks.
02:09Maybe there was something wrong with the gin.
02:12Or the tequila, or the whisky.
02:24Or the rum, or the cider, or the...
02:31There's a man in the bath!
02:33A what? A man!
02:35A fella asleep in the bath!
02:39Oh, yes! Is he one of yours?
02:41Hold on.
02:45No? No, I've never seen him before.
02:51Hello. Maybe he's a burglar.
02:53Oh, yeah, crepting after the bath plug and fell asleep on the job.
02:57Well, we can't just leave him there.
03:00There's a girl coming round to see the place this afternoon.
03:02Good evening.
03:03Good afternoon.
03:04Good evening.
03:05Good morning.
03:06Good afternoon.
03:07Good evening.
03:08Good morning.
03:09Good afternoon.
03:10Perhaps, is it really?
03:11Er...
03:12Tripp.
03:13Robin Tripp.
03:14Robin Tripp.
03:15Robin Tripp.
03:16Robin Tripp.
03:17Robin Tripp.
03:18Robin Tripp.
03:19Robin Tripp.
03:20Robin Tripp.
03:21Robin Tripp.
03:22Robin Tripp.
03:23How do you do?
03:24Hello.
03:25I'm Chrissie.
03:26This is Joe.
03:27How do you do, Jo?
03:28How do you do?
03:29Erm...
03:30You're probably wondering what I was doing in your bath.
03:31No, not at all.
03:32I'm just glad I noticed you before I got in.
03:35I remember you from the party last night.
03:36You look different then.
03:37Sort of drier.
03:38Yeah, quite, yeah.
03:39I came with a chap who said he was a friend of one of the gatecrashers.
03:42Um...
03:43Sorry.
03:44Have you got another towel, please?
03:45Yeah, I'll get you one.
03:46Oh, OK.
03:47I'll get you one.
03:48Yeah, I'll get you one.
03:49OK.
03:50How...
03:51How did you come to fall asleep in the bath?
03:52Right, that's a good question.
03:53Well, the last thing I actually remember is having some of that dreadful punch.
03:57Oh.
03:58Yes, well...
03:59Well...
04:00Well, how did you come to fall asleep in the bath?
04:01Right, that's a good question.
04:02Well, the last thing I actually remember is having some of that dreadful punch.
04:03Oh.
04:04Yes, well...
04:05Well, come in.
04:06Sit down.
04:07OK.
04:08I did bring a bottle last night, cherry brandy.
04:09Oh, good.
04:10Oh, god.
04:11I don't know if you collect miniatures.
04:12I, I...
04:13I gave it to the other girl who shares the flat.
04:14Eleanor.
04:15Eleanor, that's right, yes.
04:16Helen, how did you come to fall asleep in the bath?
04:20Well, how did you come to fall asleep in the bath?
04:21Right, that's a good question.
04:22Well, the last thing I actually remember is having some of that dreadful punch.
04:23Blah.
04:24Oh.
04:25Oh.
04:26Yes, well...
04:27Well, come in.
04:28Sit down.
04:29Okay.
04:30I did, I did, I did bring a bottle last night, cherry brandy.
04:33Oh, good.
04:34Helena, that's right, yes, the one that was a bit, um...
04:37Oh, yes. She had a boy.
04:40Yes, I thought she must have had him.
04:43I'd better be moving.
04:47Don't be silly. Take your clothes off.
04:49Do what?
04:53There's a definite crack in the ceiling.
04:54It's that party last night that did it.
04:56It was Hitler did it, George.
04:58Well, not unless he was up there dancing.
05:00And the noise!
05:02It was a buzz bomb during the war.
05:03Do you know when it's finally finished?
05:05The E-Day?
05:06Yeah, three o'clock in the morning.
05:09I wouldn't have minded if I'd been invited.
05:11Oh, you wouldn't have liked it, George.
05:13All those young girls...
05:15No, you're not up to it.
05:17What's that supposed to mean?
05:19Well, you know how to keep the pot boiling down here.
05:23Don't start that again.
05:25You know, it was a going-away party.
05:27One of the girls was going away.
05:30If you were going away, I'd have a party.
05:33It's a pity you don't live in India.
05:35You'd be sacred, you wouldn't.
05:39Which one of it is going up there to complain?
05:41Oh, I really do think it ought to be the head of the household, George.
05:44Right.
05:45I'll pop up as soon as me name is.
05:48Clisets and socks.
05:49Is that the lot?
05:50Yes.
05:52Are you sure?
05:53Yes, I'm positive.
05:53What about your knickers?
06:05Pond signs.
06:07The Duke of York.
06:09The anchor.
06:10Oh, they do nice cheese sandwiches in there.
06:12I feel an absolute burke in this.
06:25You look gorgeous.
06:27If I was a fella, I'd fancy you.
06:28I've seen people arrested for less.
06:30No, come on.
06:31I mean, haven't you got anything else, you know, anything that will sort of fit me?
06:34That's the only thing.
06:34It was Eleanor's.
06:35Yes, I thought it was, yes.
06:38Have you got a razor I could borrow, please?
06:39You can borrow mine.
06:44I don't mind if you don't.
06:47That's fine, you know, that's really fine.
06:49It's great.
06:50Have you got some shaving cream?
06:51Yeah, of course.
06:52It's out there with me pipe and me rugger boots.
06:56You haven't got any?
06:57No.
07:00How about this?
07:01Would that do?
07:02Oh, yeah, that should be all right.
07:03That's fine, yeah.
07:05What is it?
07:05We use it for cleaning the bath.
07:09How's it going?
07:21So-so.
07:22Eleanor didn't leave the recipe for toast.
07:26Oh, look, stir the scrambled egg, will you?
07:28Yeah.
07:32Ew, what are the black bits?
07:34I don't know.
07:34I think it's part of the non-stick coating.
07:36I think it's very decent of you two.
07:43You're feeding me as well.
07:44You haven't seen it yet.
07:46Sit down.
07:48No, really, really.
07:49I'm starving.
07:50I could eat absolutely...
07:51Anything.
07:54Starting off with scrambled eggs.
07:57Really?
07:58Yes.
07:58I haven't seen a meal like this since I left home.
08:00Oh, your mother was a rotten cock too, was she?
08:03Terrible.
08:04Still, I'm sure this will be delicious.
08:06As I'm saying, but, um...
08:08Where's home?
08:14Um, Southampton.
08:17At least it was, you know, I hardly ever go...
08:19hardly ever go back there now, you know.
08:21It's funny how you grow away from your old friends, you know, when you come to London.
08:26Build a new life for yourself.
08:28And they're stuck in their old ways.
08:30When did you leave?
08:31Day before yesterday.
08:34Still a trace of the accent left there?
08:35Oh, you never lose it.
08:37Actually, I, um...
08:39I can't eat any more of this.
08:41It's a bit, uh, you know, um...
08:45Horrible.
08:46Oh, charming.
08:48Can you do any better?
08:50Yes.
08:51Right, let's see what we've got, shall we?
08:53Right.
08:55Uh-huh.
08:55Eggs.
08:57Butter.
08:59Cabbage.
09:01Ah, shallots.
09:03Obvious, isn't it?
09:04Oh, yes, it's obvious, isn't it?
09:06He's gone mad.
09:07No, no, no.
09:08Us, Canteilienne.
09:09Could you bring the stuff with her, please?
09:10We should really have some Cantal cheese,
09:12made from the Yoverne district of France,
09:14made from a carefully selected blend
09:16of cows, goats and ews milk.
09:18Or Mousetrap Cheddar do.
09:19Even better.
09:21Now, listen.
09:22Can you, uh, can you boil an egg?
09:24Well, I don't know.
09:24Eleanor always did all the cooking.
09:26Look, do you know what you're doing?
09:28Of course I do.
09:28I'm stunning for my diploma
09:29at the, uh, at the Technical College.
09:32Uh, I'll need some, uh, need some breadcrumbs, please.
09:33Oh, I think there's some in my bed.
09:35No, no, no.
09:37No, no, some fresh ones.
09:39I'll make my own.
09:41You don't make breadcrumbs.
09:42They just fall off the bread.
09:44And, uh, I'll need some wine,
09:46some white wine.
09:46I've really got to have a mack on.
09:48Why do you think it's going to rain?
09:52Pardon?
09:53Joe!
09:54Oh, that's very good.
09:56Yes.
09:57Or Shadley.
09:57Shadley, please.
09:58Oh, go and have a look.
09:58And, Joe, if you could get me
10:00a heat tablespoon of milk, please.
10:04Heat!
10:04Heat!
10:05Heat!
10:05Heat!
10:05Heat!
10:06Shut up!
10:07Mise en boutique,
10:09oh, co-op bottling depot,
10:11Manchester City.
10:12Tch!
10:13Tch!
10:14Tch!
10:15Tch!
10:15Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:16Tch!
10:17Tch!
10:17Hello, dear.
10:18Um, about the noise last night...
10:19Oh, Mrs. Roper,
10:20I was going to come down.
10:21Yes.
10:22Through the ceiling, we thought.
10:24I mean, I didn't mind the music, dear,
10:26but the foul language.
10:28There wasn't any.
10:29You weren't down there with him, dear.
10:31Well, we weren't the only ones
10:32making a noise.
10:33I mean, he was banging on the ceiling
10:34with a broom handle
10:35and not even in time with the music.
10:36Yes, dear,
10:37but if you could just keep it down
10:39a little bit next time,
10:40I'll be able to...
10:41You've got the white wine,
10:41please, the white wine.
10:42Oh, hello there.
10:43Hello.
10:44Yes, I'm sorry.
10:45I'm rushing about a bit
10:47because I've just poured hot,
10:48hot botties here over my shallots,
10:49excuse me, sir.
10:53Who's that?
10:55Uh, that's just someone
10:56who spent the night here.
10:57Oh, well, perhaps I'd just
10:59better pop off then, dear.
11:00Yes.
11:01Yes.
11:01Right.
11:03Oh, uh, look, love,
11:05I don't want to worry you,
11:06but I think that's a man
11:09dressed up.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11LAUGHTER
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12APPLAUSE
11:14APPLAUSE
11:39You study catering full-time, do you?
11:42Oh, yes, yes. And, you know, although I say it myself,
11:45I can do things with a leg of lamb that would make your eyes pop out.
11:48Yeah, well, I'll take you all over that.
11:51Actually, you know, it's not really the sort of thing you find a lot of men doing, is it?
11:56No, that is true.
12:00I know what you're getting at, and I'm not.
12:02Now, come on, come on, let's be fair.
12:04All the best chefs are male, Robert Carrier, Graham Kerr, Clement Freud...
12:07Fanny Craddock. Fanny Craddock. No!
12:09I mean, she is the exception that proves the rule.
12:11Listen, the eggs should be done by now.
12:14Anybody seen the egg timer?
12:15Yes, I put it in the pan with the eggs.
12:19Oh, she will have a little ch... She did.
12:22I'll get it.
12:23Well, at least it hasn't broken.
12:24Ah, that's because she forgot to put the gas on.
12:26Oh, great.
12:29Hello. Oh, hello.
12:30I phoned yesterday about your advert for someone to share.
12:34Not that you've put an advert in yet, but if I'd waited till you did, it would have gone, and there wouldn't have been any point, would there?
12:39Oh, come in.
12:40Oh, thank you so much.
12:41Chrissie!
12:42I heard there was a gal moving out from a friend of a friend of a friend.
12:45The first friend was hers, and the third friend was mine, but I don't know who the one in the middle was.
12:50Still here I am, and...
12:52Oh.
12:53I do like that wallpaper.
12:56I do think wallpaper helps a room, don't you?
12:59Is it gas or electric?
13:01What, the wallpaper?
13:02The flat, silly!
13:04The room!
13:05Oh, hello.
13:06But I mean, you can't always tell.
13:08Some of those electric fires look just like coal, don't they?
13:12Only I'm a chilly mortal, and I cannot bear cold feet in bed.
13:15Can you?
13:16Depends who they're attached to.
13:18What?
13:19In woman's clothes?
13:20Up there.
13:21George.
13:22I mean, he had long hair, and he was wearing this sort of frilly thing.
13:25But he didn't fool me.
13:27Sure, it was a man.
13:28I mean, they all look alike these days.
13:29Not to me, they don't.
13:32Anyway, I could see these sort of little hairs on his chest.
13:35They were peeping out.
13:37Yeah, well, that doesn't prove much.
13:38Look at your mother.
13:42George, it was a man.
13:44I don't know what he thought he was messing about at.
13:46Well, I do.
13:47He probably helped him we didn't realise he's a bloke.
13:48Probably planning to stay the night.
13:50He already has.
13:51What?
13:54Well, it's very nice, I'm sure.
13:56Small, as you say, but there'll be a bit more room when the bed folds up into the wall.
14:01It does fold up, doesn't it?
14:03Oh, you try stopping it.
14:04Um, this is the kitchen.
14:05Oh, it's very nice.
14:06And this is Robin's thingy.
14:07Oh, how do you do?
14:08Excuse oven gloves.
14:09You found him in the bath?
14:10Oh.
14:11I found a spider in the bath once.
14:12They crawl up the waste pipe, you know.
14:13Horrible hairy thing it was.
14:14I just opened my mouth and screamed.
14:15I've kept the plug in it ever since.
14:17Well, um...
14:18Oh, Gabrielle.
14:19But my friends call me Gabby.
14:20Yes.
14:21Yes.
14:22Well, actually, we do have one or two other girls coming to look at the room.
14:24We don't have anyone else.
14:25If we advertise, we will have.
14:26So, um, if you'd just like to leave me your phone number.
14:27I could call round in the morning and...
14:28Right, where is he?
14:29Mr Roper.
14:30Oh, there you are.
14:31Well, that outfit doesn't fool me.
14:32Have you plugged in it ever since?
14:33Have you plugged in it ever since?
14:34He could have been plugged in it ever since?
14:35Well, um...
14:36Oh, Gabrielle.
14:37But my friends call me Gabby.
14:38Yes.
14:39Well, actually, we do have one or two other girls coming to look at the room.
14:40We don't have anyone else.
14:41If we advertise, we will have.
14:42So, um, if you'd just like to leave me your phone number.
14:43Well, you know, I could...
14:44I could...
14:45...call round in the morning and...
14:46Right, where is he?
14:47Mr Roper.
14:48Right, where is he?
14:51Mr. Roper.
14:52Ah, there you are.
14:54Well, that outfit doesn't fool me.
14:56No male visitors after 12 o'clock.
14:58Oh, this is our landlord.
15:00That's right. Well, get those clothes off. Come on.
15:02I mean, you're not even convincing, are you?
15:05I mean, anyone can see they're not real.
15:08How you thought you could get away with...
15:09Oh, my God.
15:15You dirty old man!
15:19Every time, it's a mistake anyone can make, isn't it?
15:23They don't look real, do they?
15:25I thought they were a couple of real.
15:36He squeezed my bosoms!
15:40Well, he's never done that before.
15:42Oh, must be able to join the Phyllisan.
15:44Oh, I couldn't.
15:46I couldn't live in the same house as a man who...
15:49Well, I like to keep myself to my...
15:51He didn't even say please!
15:54I'm sorry! Goodbye!
15:58How about that?
16:00Hey, Roper the dropper.
16:02Come on, get it. It's ready.
16:04Right, now, Chrissie, you sit in the middle.
16:06And, Joe, you sit on the far side, eh?
16:08Now, watch it because it's very hot.
16:10OK, there we are.
16:12I'm afraid it's, you know, something rather makeshift.
16:15Nothing, really.
16:17Sorry about the cutlery, but that's British Rail for you.
16:21It looks good.
16:22Smells good.
16:23And, by golly, it's revolting.
16:30What?
16:31I'm kidding. It's great.
16:32It's super.
16:34My speciality is les Lagostines grillées au beurre saffron avec les salades de sette.
16:38What's that?
16:38French.
16:39But, uh...
16:40Eventually, what I want to do, you know, is open an exclusive little club, you know, for...
16:45and a restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.
16:47Oh, smash it.
16:48You're going to make someone a lovely wife one day.
16:50Thank you very much, yes.
16:51I must say, it's nice to get at the oven again.
16:52I don't get much chance at the YMCA.
16:54Is that where you're staying?
16:55Yes, only for the time being until I find a place of my own, but, of course, you know,
16:58I'll most probably have to share.
17:00Oh.
17:02Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
17:05Oh, I might be.
17:06I'll tell you, Mildred, it was a woman.
17:09I've got a very sensitive finger.
17:10Well, I think I ought to know a man when I see one, George.
17:14Mainly from memory, I must admit.
17:16Well, what's that supposed to mean?
17:19Well, it's a long time since you laid a finger for me.
17:22Yeah, well, if you stop sleeping in that sauna belt, I might be more interested.
17:25It's like going to bed with a Michelin man.
17:29Don't change the subject, George.
17:31What are we going to do about him?
17:33It's a her.
17:33It's a him.
17:36What, me?
17:38Share a flat with you two girls?
17:40Well, I must say, it's, um, something to think about.
17:43Well, it would have to be equal share.
17:45Oh, certainly, yes, of course, yes, yes.
17:47Uh, of what?
17:48The rent rates, phone food.
17:49Oh, those, yes, yes, of course, of course.
17:52And that's all we'd be sharing.
17:54One groat mate and you'd be out.
17:55Listen, I wouldn't dream of it.
17:58You can dream of it, all right, as long as you don't make too much noise.
18:01Listen.
18:01There's going to be obvious snags, aren't there?
18:07I mean, look, supposing, you know, supposing I want to sort of, you know, pull a girl, I mean, you know, bring my girlfriend back for a quick, uh, quiet chat.
18:16Oh, we'd go to the pictures.
18:19Yes, I know, but you see, there's no lock on that bathroom door, is there, you see, and I, I usually have a bath in a nude.
18:23No.
18:25Well, you can sing, can't you?
18:27That's what we do.
18:27Nick, see, look, I've half promised to share a flat with somebody.
18:30In fact, I said I'd bring him this morning.
18:31Can I use your phone?
18:32Yeah, sure, through there.
18:33Oh, well, back to instant porridge, instant mash.
18:39Instant indigestion.
18:44Here we are.
18:48Douglas.
18:498462375.
18:51Douglas?
18:52Douglas!
18:53Yes, yes, I, uh, I met him at your party last night.
18:56He seemed a very nice chap.
18:57Mm, divine.
18:58Ducky!
18:59Yes, he said I, uh, I might be able to move in with him.
19:02Oh, sorry, just one second.
19:03Sorry.
19:04Uh, hello?
19:05Hello, Douglas.
19:06Um, this is Robin here.
19:09I, I don't know if you remember, I, I met you at the party last night, Robin Tripp.
19:12Yes, that's right, yes.
19:14Well, the thing is, Douglas.
19:15Sorry?
19:17Oh, all right, Dougie.
19:18Uh, the thing is, the thing is, Dougie, you said your flatmate, was it?
19:23Geoff, Geoffrey, yes.
19:24Geoffrey was, was leaving.
19:27Tiff.
19:28Oh.
19:28I'm sorry.
19:29Well, anyway, you said, am I what, sorry?
19:31Gay?
19:33Um.
19:36Well, you know, I'm a reasonably happy sort of chap, but, you know, in the morning, I'm not quite...
19:41Oh, sorry, that gay.
19:41No.
19:42Um.
19:43No, Doug, Douglas, I don't, I don't think we'd get on very well together.
19:47Um.
19:48No, it's, it's not that, Douglas.
19:49No, no, no.
19:50I didn't even know you wore a toupee.
19:51I can...
19:52Oh, you could have been on to a good thing there.
19:56You'd never have to buy yourself another box of chocolates.
20:00I suppose I should have realised when he asked me to dance, really.
20:03Listen, girls, can I take you up on that kind offer?
20:06Oh, I see.
20:07On the rebound, are we?
20:09Well, I don't know.
20:10What do you think?
20:11Well, I'm for anyone who can cook like that.
20:14And does the washing up.
20:16Washing up?
20:18Washing up.
20:19Washing up.
20:20It's a deal.
20:20Er, excuse me.
20:22Any missing about and we'll take you straight round to the vet.
20:24Right.
20:25Fair enough.
20:29They're still a bit damp round the prospect of Whitby.
20:34Look, you can move him when you like.
20:35Very well, I'll put my trousers on.
20:37Oh, well, if you must, you must.
20:39There you are.
20:41Why did he have them off?
20:42I can explain.
20:44Oh, I don't understand it.
20:47No, neither do I.
20:47I mean, come on.
20:48It is the permissive society, right?
20:49Yeah.
20:50The swinging 70s.
20:51I mean, Andy Warhol, flesh, trash, you name it.
20:53Anything goes today, doesn't it?
20:54Yeah.
20:55Can you just turn around when I put my trousers on?
20:58I'll, uh, I'll leave you the recipe for a scantily end.
21:01Oh, no, no, no, don't.
21:02Because the way I cook, it would be sacrilege.
21:04Yes, that is true, yes.
21:05Listen.
21:06Listen, Joe.
21:06Come here.
21:07What do you think if I sort of went in there, you know,
21:09and tried to talk to him, you know,
21:11explain it to him or, you know, or better still, grovel?
21:16Oh, you never know.
21:17You've talked to me.
21:17Uh, excuse me.
21:20Mr. Groper.
21:20Yeah, Roper.
21:21Sorry, Roper.
21:24There's a couple of things you ought to know about me.
21:25Yes, yes, yes.
21:26It's all right, son.
21:27She's just been explaining.
21:28Um, sorry I misjudged you.
21:30Yes.
21:31I mean, you can stay here as long as you like.
21:33You know, it's all right.
21:34Well, I hope you'll be very happy.
21:36Well, thank you very much indeed.
21:38Yes.
21:38George.
21:46What did you say?
21:47I just let his mind at rest.
21:49Huh?
21:50Mainly about the sex bit.
21:51Yeah.
21:53The thing is,
21:54you'll probably have to go on wearing that for the rest of your life.
21:57Why?
21:58Told him you were a pup.
21:59Oh.
21:59Oh.
22:00Oh.
22:00Oh.
22:00Oh.
22:01Oh.
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22:11Oh.