Order in the court! 'Veep' star Julia Louis-Dreyfus steps inside the judge's bench to help real people with some of their petty drama. Julia hears both sides, judges the case and settles the beef for good. Who is in the wrong? Find out!
Director: Claire Buss
Director of Photography: Mar Alfonso
Editor: Matthew Braunsdorf
Talent: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Producer: Madison Coffey
Line Producer: Natasha Soto-Albors
Associate Producer: Zayna Allen
Production Manager: Andressa Pelachi
Production Coordinator: Elizabeth Hymes
Talent Booker: Lauren Mendoza
Camera Operator: Carlos Araujo
Gaffer: David Djaco
Audio Engineer: Mariya Chulichkova
Production Assistant: Austin Noll, Rafael Vasquez
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Stella Shortino
Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo
Director: Claire Buss
Director of Photography: Mar Alfonso
Editor: Matthew Braunsdorf
Talent: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Producer: Madison Coffey
Line Producer: Natasha Soto-Albors
Associate Producer: Zayna Allen
Production Manager: Andressa Pelachi
Production Coordinator: Elizabeth Hymes
Talent Booker: Lauren Mendoza
Camera Operator: Carlos Araujo
Gaffer: David Djaco
Audio Engineer: Mariya Chulichkova
Production Assistant: Austin Noll, Rafael Vasquez
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Stella Shortino
Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00Should a man be able to have a podcast?
00:04Um, no.
00:12Well, hello, America.
00:14I'm Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
00:17I'm here today in the role of judge.
00:20Because I'm a judgy person, and to prove to you that I'm a judge, check it.
00:26Let's go.
00:27We are now about to listen to the first dispute before the court of JLD.
00:39I saw this trend on TikTok where you chop up all the ingredients of a sandwich into tiny little pieces
00:43and then put it on the roll so you get perfectly distributed ingredients in every bite.
00:48I asked the deli guy to make my sub chop chop style, and my friend freaked out at me.
00:52I did nothing wrong.
00:54I have not heard of a chop chop sandwich.
00:56I will tell you that I'm starving and that I would like to have that right now.
01:01So I'm in favor of the chop chop sandwich.
01:03I think it's genius.
01:05I think it's the beginning of something extraordinary.
01:09I think it's like a billion-dollar idea.
01:12Can I show you what it looks like?
01:14Yeah.
01:15So you chop up everything here and then so...
01:18And then you shove it in there.
01:19Okay, first of all, I'm going to take back my billion-dollar idea comment.
01:27I'd like you to edit that out.
01:29It looks repulsive.
01:31Just leave it at that.
01:33You don't ask the deli guy to make a chop chop sub.
01:36You just don't.
01:37That shit is embarrassing, and it looks gross, and it takes some extra time.
01:41I'm not trying to get blacklisted by my deli.
01:44Well, the problem with this particular case is that there's not really enough evidence
01:50presented before the court, because where's the deli guy?
01:54I need to be hearing from the deli guy.
01:56I'm going to declare this a mistrial.
01:58There's just insufficient evidence for me to render a judgment, and I don't know who's
02:03running this thing, but this is a travesty, and in the name of justice, let's get the deli
02:09guy here.
02:09I've never had a relationship with my deli guy.
02:14I have not.
02:15Not even romantic.
02:16Oh, yes.
02:16I slept with my deli guy, if that's what you mean.
02:19Yes.
02:19I slept with my deli guy.
02:21It was fine, if that's what you're talking about.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Next case.
02:27So I started this podcast a couple months ago where I do a deep dive into the world
02:30of calligraphy, and I asked my girlfriend what she thought of the most recent episode
02:35about traditional dip pens, and she said it was so good, but I never recorded an episode
02:41like that.
02:41I was just, like, testing her.
02:44I don't think she's been listening to my podcast at all.
02:47Please don't make a podcast about calligraphy.
02:50I think it's a mistake.
02:51Only because, and I'm all in favor of calligraphy, okay?
02:55I'm not anti-calligraphy, but it's a visual medium, and a podcast is not.
03:02And I'm really, frankly, ready to pass judgment, but out of respect for the law and how we do
03:09things in this court, we'll listen to the other witness.
03:12Whatever.
03:12I definitely listened to most of the first episode, but I don't find it to be the most
03:18stimulating topic.
03:20I'm not listening to all that.
03:22I'm happy he finally has a hobby, but I don't think I should be expected to listen to every
03:26episode.
03:28Okay.
03:31Where's the bailiff?
03:32Nothing's working.
03:34I don't think she needs to be expected to listen to every episode, or any episode for
03:39that matter, maybe like exercise, maybe learn to cook.
03:45I mean, there are other hobbies, and I don't like that he was tricking her, not in love
03:50with that.
03:50I think maybe he could just say, did you listen to my podcast?
03:54Then she'll lie and say yes, and they can go on with their lives.
04:00I've now come to a new conclusion.
04:02I think this couple is perfectly suited for one another.
04:05They're living the lie, and it's working for them.
04:08So I'm all in favor of them staying together, get married, have a bunch of kids.
04:14We'll see how it works out.
04:18I'm engaged to the best guy, and we're thinking about combining our finances.
04:22I just found out that he has an OnlyFans subscription to a specific woman that he claims is non-sexual.
04:29I want him to cancel the subscription, but he's being kind of weird about it.
04:34All right, we've got two problems here.
04:38Actually, we have three problems.
04:39Number one, they're engaged.
04:42Problem.
04:43Number two, combining finances.
04:46Problem.
04:47Number three, OnlyFans.
04:51Problem.
04:51So, we've got three big, fat fucking problems.
04:56Let's hear what this douchebag has to say.
05:00Right, so I've been chatting with this model on OnlyFans for like four years, and I'm not ready to give up the relationship.
05:07I know it sounds silly, but she really gets me in a specific way.
05:13And I'm helping her pay for grad school.
05:16Okay.
05:20Here's my advice.
05:21He needs to get engaged to the OnlyFans model.
05:24Combine his finances with her.
05:27He'll get a free subscription to his OnlyFans thing.
05:32And this nice, disturbed woman from the beginning should move on, get on with her life.
05:38Yank her finances back.
05:40By the way, if by any chance they had already combined their finances, that means she's paying for the OnlyFans site.
05:46Red flag warning.
05:48So, this is a shit show.
05:51He needs to go with this model.
05:53Live your sad life.
05:55And this other woman can move on and improve herself dramatically by doing so.
06:01Break up immediately.
06:03Bam.
06:05I was talking to my friend about Titanic, and I brought up the fact that Jack died.
06:10And then he got so mad and was like, spoiler alert, spoiler alert.
06:15I'm sorry, but how do you not know the basic plot of Titanic?
06:18You can't call a spoiler alert for a movie that everyone should know.
06:21If my math is correct, that's, uh, 27 years ago?
06:27Yeah.
06:29Here's another spoiler alert.
06:31The ship went down.
06:32It hit an iceberg.
06:34Oh, spoiler alert.
06:37Come on.
06:37Get a life.
06:38A lot of these cases that have been brought before my court today are pathetic.
06:44I hate it when movies are spoiled for me and I still haven't seen Titanic.
06:49I think that my friends should be sensitive to the fact that we're not all movie buffs.
06:54I would say Titanic and there's so many other movies that are classics that have been around
06:59for decades and decades and decades.
07:01And if you're not with it enough to keep up with the times, stay present, go to the movies,
07:09support films.
07:10I am completely judging in favor of the first plaintiff, if we're going to call them that.
07:17And I don't have any problem with her saying anything about Titanic.
07:23Anything.
07:26Let me explain to you about spoiler alerts with Marvel.
07:29If I tell you anything about Thunderbolts right now, someone's going to kill me.
07:33You think I'm joking.
07:36I'm not joking.
07:38They follow me around and they make sure that I don't say nut and honey.
07:43Remember that cereal commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios?
07:47Spoiler alert.
07:48Spoiler alert.
07:49It's for Honey Nut Cheerios.
07:51Nut and honey.
07:54There are many things about Thunderbolts I'm afraid to spoil.
07:58I can tell you my character name, Contessa Valentina Allegra DeFontaine.
08:05That's it.
08:08Let's hear the next case.
08:12My son is in a rock band and I'm so proud of him and I love watching him play.
08:19He has this new single though that's called Smokin' Hot Mom.
08:25I suggest that maybe he should go to therapy and he became really upset with me.
08:32That's it?
08:34How about this idea?
08:35Take the compliment, Smokin' Hot Mama.
08:37How about that idea?
08:39And also, it does seem a little bit odd to suggest your son goes to therapy off of a single.
08:46Let's hear what the musician has to say.
08:49I hope his name isn't Oedipus.
08:51This song is not about her.
08:54She always thinks that everything is about her.
08:57I just happen to appreciate nurturing older women and I find them sexy.
09:05There's nothing weird about that.
09:08I don't think he should tell his mother that it wasn't about her.
09:12I think he should say, Mom, it's about you.
09:16You're Smokin' Hot.
09:17You're beautiful.
09:18I'm fine.
09:19I don't need help.
09:20Except that I like to nurture older Smokin' Hot women.
09:24And so now I'm changing my judgment.
09:27I think he needs to institutionalize himself.
09:30And we can't do this.
09:32It's a mental health joke.
09:33So we can't be doing mental health jokes on this program.
09:36Is this on television?
09:37My son has never written a song about me.
09:40What the hell?
09:42Why not?
09:42I'm Smokin' Hot.
09:45Look at me.
09:48Why are you laughing?
09:49That's not supposed to be funny.
09:51I think she should stop listening to his music and I think he should get a life.
09:55I think everyone needs to get a life in this particular court case.
09:59That's my judgment.
10:00Get a life.
10:00I mean, I'm sorry I have to send all these people to prison, but, you know, that is my responsibility.
10:07Ultimately, I'm a civil servant and I'm here to do my job.
10:10So there may be a higher court and we'll see where I go with my career.
10:14I mean, it may well be that I'm, you know, bumped up to the next level.
10:18I don't know if that means, like, the Ninth Circuit.
10:20I may become a federal judge or I might be catapulted into the Supreme Court.
10:25And I'm open to all of it.
10:27Yeah, court's adjourned, motherfuckers.
10:30This is broken.
10:34This is broken.