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DRAMA SHORT FLIM
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Transcript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:04CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is Lord.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:31Jesus.
00:01:32Jesus.
00:01:34Jesus.
00:01:35Jesus.
00:01:36Jesus.
00:01:38Jesus.
00:01:40Jesus.
00:01:42Jesus.
00:01:44Jesus.
00:01:46Jesus.
00:01:48Jesus.
00:01:50Jesus.
00:01:52Jesus.
00:01:54Jesus.
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04Oh, he'll be standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, no. Really, Dad's standing here.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:14Come on. You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel all right, Twit, now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:41I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs?
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:55Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:14Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:31Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:07Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:14Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Jeffrey.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:37Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:53Every single time.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:01First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down.
00:05:15It's a run around.
00:05:20Love and rainy weather.
00:05:25Sure can get you down.
00:05:28Now, going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:02They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Really.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hustle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:22Yes, please.
00:06:22Now, that's the new world that we work for and fought for.
00:06:29Full-page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:03I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:06No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:09Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:27I sacrifice too much for your six-old levels.
00:07:29You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:07A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, percy filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:37I'm sorry.
00:08:45Ah.
00:08:46Oh, Sandra.
00:09:05It is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:17Ending it all.
00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:23It's our first date.
00:09:27I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:45Overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:51Like your Tuttenhamen butter dish.
00:09:53What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.
00:10:09I say I do.
00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash
00:10:13and say something like,
00:10:14how about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.
00:10:21Then when I say okay,
00:10:24does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press, Stud.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing
00:10:37and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:46We're just good friends.
00:10:48Goodnight.
00:10:48Goodnight.
00:10:51Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad,
00:11:13you never touch anything else.
00:11:14About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:32Peace, man.
00:11:36Have a good time, Miss Knight.
00:11:38Great.
00:11:38Is this you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:40I say it in for a change.
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne
00:11:53was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57They'd in for a change instead.
00:11:59Ticket.
00:12:18I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:24Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:43Snooty old bag.
00:12:45trendy
00:12:50crimson shoes with bottle green socks
00:12:53must be going steady with a set of traffic lights
00:12:56still, who else would have him
00:12:59anyway, they're all the same in the dark
00:13:03rumour has it
00:13:04different girl every night
00:13:12you can tell the type
00:13:13probably an omen seeing her before the match
00:13:17bet we lose 3-1
00:13:20well, I'm certainly not making the first move
00:13:23at least I've got me proud
00:13:25oh, hello
00:13:26oh, hi
00:13:29hi
00:13:30didn't see you
00:13:31no, normie
00:13:32you going that way?
00:13:35yeah, not specially, no
00:13:37you going that?
00:13:40yeah, well, um
00:13:41no
00:13:42I was, I was, I sort of
00:13:44going to the football match
00:13:45are you?
00:13:46shopping
00:13:47I'm probably going to the pictures tonight
00:13:55I am
00:13:56which?
00:13:57which are you?
00:13:57any
00:13:58I am
00:13:59see you then
00:14:07tonight?
00:14:09pardon?
00:14:10oh, I...
00:14:11all right then
00:14:12right
00:14:13super socks
00:14:21did you see that?
00:14:26they're all on drugs
00:14:27the lot of them
00:14:28they're all on drugs
00:14:43they score?
00:14:46losing 3-1
00:14:49Excuse me, I...
00:15:19I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um, peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial, pictures, the boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the, um...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um, you know,
00:15:48oh, you know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:16:03Would you, uh...
00:16:04What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:07Fair sort of bird.
00:16:11Sort of.
00:16:12She's all right.
00:16:15I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:24You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's ravenous.
00:16:28You've just eaten.
00:16:29Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:35You see, what I think Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:43Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response
00:16:45from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was he the errand boy?
00:16:53Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:16:59I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex?
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal, they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:17:59Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Phil motivated.
00:18:12No.
00:18:13No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:31I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:55No.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:05Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:1825-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:24Well, it's funny, isn't it?
00:19:29First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:36Or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:41Well, don't think about Percy Phil at this stage, Peryl.
00:19:46I'm not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:19:53I won't give you my phone number, in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:093, 2, 7, double, 4, 2, 1.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the 3 and the 2 make 5, which is 2 less than 7.
00:20:16Then 2 4s, and half of 4, which is 2, and half of 2, which is 1.
00:20:19Um...
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:273, 2, 7, double, 4, 2, 1.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:50Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me, then.
00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:13You'd have forgotten.
00:21:15Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:31Oh, these things.
00:21:33Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:47No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, uh...
00:22:06Does she, uh...
00:22:07What?
00:22:09Oh, ho, ho.
00:22:12Wow.
00:22:15She doesn't, then.
00:22:17You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:24Chips.
00:22:28Chums.
00:22:28Sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:47Said he was no one special.
00:22:58They've got a phone here.
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:14Are you?
00:23:14We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17And go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our probe.
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:24:02Chalton for Pope.
00:24:11Long may you reign.
00:24:13Amen.
00:24:15What's going on?
00:24:16Pound's up again.
00:24:18Oh, God.
00:24:20Today's special.
00:24:21Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here.
00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26So does.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:29Why do we always do that?
00:24:4893 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:52Come on.
00:24:52it's the only one more
00:25:07just as the sun was rising
00:25:11I heard the maiden singing
00:25:14in the far early low
00:25:16my timing not disturbing your singing I hope
00:25:19see Jeffery on Sunday
00:25:20oh Jeffery
00:25:24that Neville's the greatest
00:25:26is he
00:25:30dishy or is he dishy
00:25:32I'm considering packing Jeffrey in
00:25:38one date was enough
00:25:40why
00:25:42he's cancer and I'm Libra
00:25:45is that bad
00:25:46hopeless
00:25:47actually I'm slightly off the male gender
00:25:51at the moment
00:25:51five five which is which is
00:26:04three and two is five which is two less than seven
00:26:07which is on
00:26:11I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza
00:26:16bank clocks
00:26:18your lot
00:26:19football supporters
00:26:21hippies
00:26:23oh my lot
00:26:25at the third stroke
00:26:28it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds
00:26:30it will be 7.22 and 50 seconds
00:26:38that's it then
00:26:41fate
00:26:42all over by 7.23 precisely
00:26:45so what
00:26:48plenty more where she came from
00:26:52is that the speaking clock
00:26:57is that Jeffery
00:26:58is that Beryl
00:26:59yes
00:27:00yes
00:27:01hi
00:27:02hi
00:27:03it's terrifically exciting isn't it
00:27:26getting to know a person
00:27:27fantastic
00:27:28I want to know all about you
00:27:34that's what it's all about
00:27:37for example with things in common already
00:27:41definitely
00:27:42like what
00:27:46we're enormously fond of animals
00:27:51right
00:27:53and we're both from Manchester
00:27:56have you ever been abroad
00:28:01no
00:28:02have you
00:28:05no
00:28:05unless you count Istanbul
00:28:08Istanbul
00:28:09was it beyond belief
00:28:11I don't know
00:28:12I was only three
00:28:13do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before
00:28:21sometimes
00:28:23I do
00:28:24what now
00:28:27no
00:28:30just
00:28:31just sometimes
00:28:32yes I do
00:28:36such a lot isn't there
00:28:40in getting to know a person
00:28:43hmm
00:28:44he was live and easy-limbed
00:28:51his stride quietly casual
00:28:54his eyes clear and confident
00:28:56and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed
00:29:00assured lopsided grin
00:29:03you know Geoffrey
00:29:08you have a really lopsided grin
00:29:10really
00:29:11you know
00:29:12lopsided
00:29:13I don't think I have
00:29:16it's in the eye of the beholder
00:29:18see
00:29:21Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot
00:29:26he holds it down with his little finger
00:29:28it must be marvellous being a man
00:29:32it's ok I suppose
00:29:35men can do anything
00:29:36conquer Everest
00:29:38do heart transplants
00:29:40become leader of the opposition
00:29:42anything
00:29:44Geoffrey
00:29:53no spells no
00:29:55it's good for your circulation Beryl
00:29:57read any women's magazine
00:29:59it's good for theirs too
00:30:01not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays
00:30:07all Saturdays
00:30:08Beryl
00:30:11Beryl
00:30:15oh Geoffrey bobblesbomba
00:30:18oh Beryl
00:30:19oh Geoffrey
00:30:21oh Beryl
00:30:22are you alright what exactly happened don't tell me
00:30:25I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony
00:30:28pardon
00:30:29come back
00:30:35they're better
00:30:36it's better
00:30:36I'm ok
00:30:37I told you it's going to pour
00:30:43it's not
00:30:44it's only the angels crying
00:30:53I know how they feel
00:30:57well don't blame me
00:30:59I haven't done anything
00:31:00that's true
00:31:01that's not true Beryl
00:31:04I have apologised
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you
00:31:08independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer
00:31:11it must be a bad line
00:31:13I can't hear you
00:31:14you'd better apologise again
00:31:16I apologise again
00:31:19gosh this lousy line
00:31:22I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday
00:31:26pardon
00:31:29pardon
00:31:30is that who I think it is
00:31:33no dear
00:31:34well isn't this nice
00:31:47sardine sandwich
00:31:52the old sardine
00:31:54yeah
00:31:54she's got her own trawler
00:31:57isn't it awful
00:32:04what
00:32:05I was speaking to Geoffrey
00:32:07what's happening in the world
00:32:09I blame the politicians
00:32:10what for
00:32:12for what's happening
00:32:13in the world
00:32:14talk to her
00:32:19I can't speak Portuguese
00:32:22Tasty
00:32:24very in oil
00:32:26nice in oil
00:32:28she's got a bad leg
00:32:29the bread's extremely wholesome
00:32:33why after this little baker down the road
00:32:35he does something with the bleach
00:32:37yes
00:32:40I can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank
00:32:51start thinking about life after death
00:32:56oh that neville honestly
00:33:03number of hearts he must have broken
00:33:05every girl in Manchester nearly
00:33:08Geoffrey definitely has
00:33:10probably even more
00:33:12air hostesses
00:33:15all sorts
00:33:17tell me about your terrible past Geoffrey
00:33:20I haven't had one yet
00:33:21white man speak with forked tongue
00:33:24actually I was hoping more for a terrible future
00:33:27wow is that the time
00:33:34at this moment in time
00:33:36what have I done
00:33:37is neville the insanely jealous type
00:33:40right in the slightest
00:33:41you're lucky
00:33:43why it's Geoffrey
00:33:44wow
00:33:46you're not jealous of all my ex-flames are you
00:33:49of course not
00:33:50why should I be
00:33:51please stop interrogating me Geoffrey
00:33:53forget it
00:33:54that's all in the past
00:33:57then nothing to be jealous about
00:34:00who needs drama
00:34:04so I shouted back at her
00:34:08no shop assistant shouts at me I shouted
00:34:10in the end neville nearly bolted me for swearing
00:34:13he thumped you
00:34:15walloped you on
00:34:17no
00:34:18I said nearly
00:34:20you never thumped me will you
00:34:24like neville does sundra
00:34:26she adores it
00:34:28of course not
00:34:29no
00:34:31Geoffrey
00:34:35Percy filth isn't the only thing in life
00:34:37it isn't even one of the things in mine
00:34:38he used to talk to me
00:34:40all right
00:34:40let's talk
00:34:41Geoffrey I've just had the most super idea
00:34:48why is your mum going out
00:34:50why is your mum going out
00:34:50may as well pack in really
00:34:55why
00:34:57why not
00:35:00good thinking
00:35:03thanks for a stimulating few weeks
00:35:12you too it was real
00:35:13you too it was real
00:35:13psychedelic
00:35:15you can keep me grateful dead LP
00:35:17I was scratched anyway
00:35:18it's been a gas
00:35:20groovy
00:35:22I won't wave from the window
00:35:25no I won't look back anyway
00:35:27good
00:35:27it's been a gas
00:35:29you've said that once
00:35:31you're well red barrel
00:35:41there's plenty more fish in the sea
00:35:43about three very lonely sardines
00:35:47mother please don't try raising one eyebrow at me
00:35:53you know you can't do it
00:35:54you'll never thought of me will you Geoffrey
00:36:02ow
00:36:03beryl
00:36:04I've just had the most super idea
00:36:06are we going to put it up
00:36:07no
00:36:08we're going to pack it in
00:36:09don't say that please don't say that
00:36:11please don't say that
00:36:12that
00:36:13Sandra
00:36:16Sandra
00:36:17you're Sandra
00:36:19mine
00:36:20two months
00:36:24two months nine days
00:36:26is she positive
00:36:29the test was
00:36:30what are you going to do
00:36:32she'll think of something
00:36:35Sandra it's stupendous
00:36:37congratulations
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy
00:36:42oh thanks kid
00:36:44Sandra I don't know how you do it
00:36:48often
00:37:10but
00:37:12but
00:37:16about
00:37:17you
00:37:18you
00:37:20but
00:37:21you
00:37:22go
00:37:23you
00:37:24how you
00:37:25to
00:37:27you
00:37:29I
00:37:30I
00:37:32I
00:37:34I
00:37:37I
00:37:39John for Pope.
00:37:43Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:07Oh, hell no.
00:38:11That's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware...
00:38:37And psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Her.
00:39:06I haven't really looked.
00:39:08You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:11Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23Must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:30Well, I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Philz.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the loss.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:49Terrific self-control.
00:39:51Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:41:04What's your name again?
00:41:20What's yours?
00:41:22Rock.
00:41:23That's not your real name.
00:41:26No.
00:41:27Stephen.
00:41:28Mmm.
00:41:29God, that turns me on.
00:41:31Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:34Mmm.
00:41:38When I first met you in the street, I thought it was just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:43Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:45Mmm.
00:41:46Mmm.
00:41:48Mmm.
00:41:50Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.
00:41:55Mmm.
00:41:56Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:58Mmm.
00:41:58Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:01Mmm.
00:42:01Mmm.
00:42:02Mmm.
00:42:02Mmm.
00:42:03Mmm.
00:42:04Mmm.
00:42:05Mmm.
00:42:06Mmm.
00:42:07Mmm.
00:42:08Mmm.
00:42:09Mmm.
00:42:10Mmm.
00:42:11Mmm.
00:42:12Mmm.
00:42:13Mmm.
00:42:14Mmm.
00:42:15Mmm.
00:42:16Mmm.
00:42:17Mmm.
00:42:18Mmm.
00:42:19Testing.
00:42:19Testing.
00:42:20Testing.
00:42:20Oh, Jeffrey Millieup returns to the day.
00:42:22I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:25I'm fed up!
00:42:26Who are you?
00:42:27Who are you?
00:42:28Who are you?
00:42:29Who are you?
00:42:30Who are you?
00:42:31Hmm.
00:42:32What are you fed up about?
00:42:33Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:34No.
00:42:35They just market.
00:42:36Anyone can market.
00:42:37They've got the answers.
00:42:38Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:42:39What's he doing?
00:42:40here, then?
00:42:41What's he doing here, then?
00:42:42What's he doing here, then?
00:42:43What's he doing here, then?
00:42:44What are you fed up about?
00:42:45What are you fed up about?
00:42:46Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:47No.
00:42:48They just market.
00:42:49Anyone can market.
00:42:50They've got the answers.
00:42:51Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:42:52What's he doing here, then?
00:42:53What's he doing here, then?
00:42:54Well, uh, this is your uncle, Stephen.
00:43:01This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:05How do you do?
00:43:08Dummy mumbers.
00:43:09What are you doing here, then?
00:43:10Well, uh, this is your uncle, Stephen.
00:43:15This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:20How do you do?
00:43:23Don't me mum and dad know he's here?
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:27I could always wake them up and tell them.
00:43:29Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:37Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:41Do you?
00:43:43Say no.
00:43:44No.
00:43:45I do.
00:43:45Say yes.
00:43:47Shall I tell you?
00:43:47He knows.
00:43:48The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:53There's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:58And he goes through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:03Who told you that?
00:44:04Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:07One of them fertilises with the female egg.
00:44:10The others don't bother.
00:44:12Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:14Then you have a baby.
00:44:16Did he teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:21People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:25But animals, like dogs and cats and giraffes, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:29Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:46In the next class, you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:55Good night, Jeremy.
00:44:5825p?
00:45:0050.
00:45:0250.
00:45:0250.
00:45:0350.
00:45:1250.
00:45:13Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:1950.
00:45:1950.
00:45:2050.
00:45:2150.
00:45:2160.
00:45:2150.
00:45:2150.
00:45:21100.
00:45:2250.
00:45:2250.
00:45:2350.
00:45:2450.
00:45:2450.
00:45:2550.
00:45:2550.
00:45:2550.
00:45:2650.
00:45:2750.
00:45:2860.
00:45:29Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica!
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.
00:45:44Good night, love.
00:45:48We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:50And how?
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:21The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:26This time tomorrow, I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:36Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:41We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44Well, we're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Good night, love.
00:46:54Try a barrel.
00:46:55Morning, previous generation.
00:47:05Morning, previous generation.
00:47:19What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:39I'll take you out another night.
00:47:40Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain.
00:47:56No, Dad.
00:47:57But last night was different.
00:47:58I knew you'd understand.
00:48:00I knew you'd understand.
00:48:30Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Hang me around.
00:48:32Amen.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pound's down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey, lads.
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:03Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:24It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see how the girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:04Finally splitting up.
00:50:06He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:12Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:21I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:27She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy nine again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:38Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with their old baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi.
00:50:51Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:04I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl Baby getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl Baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl Baby.
00:51:31What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:38Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an act.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:51:57Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:21I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:37This cat gets it together where it's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:47So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:56Hmm?
00:52:56I'm sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:24Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:44Pardon?
00:53:44If so, what's death?
00:53:47Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:50Yes, I expect it is, when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's Concept of Existence?
00:54:00Erm...
00:54:02No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:08No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:18You are a poet.
00:54:23Training manager, Marks and Spencer's.
00:54:26What's that?
00:54:28I'm really dirt, Chip.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:37This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cassinole.
00:54:44What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:47Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-gritties, Phil.
00:55:00Okay?
00:55:00Mm.
00:55:01Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:16A marriage certificate, a dog's license, whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a wide wedding.
00:55:25Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:33Graves?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:47If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything, freedom from all male chauvinists, pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me...
00:56:10If we're liberation society for the future, I'm sure...
00:56:12No, thank you!
00:56:13Honestly, I'm wrong, I can't turn it over.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Oh!
00:56:17Oh, sorry!
00:56:19Wow, man, sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:37Oh, wow.
00:56:39We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:44Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:12Right, that's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:34Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:57Yeah.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:04I should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:51I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:53Do you know...
00:58:55What, Beryl?
00:58:56She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:16Usually.
00:59:20Oh.
00:59:21I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:33Geoffrey?
00:59:38Geoffrey?
00:59:39Geoffrey?
00:59:39Move up a bit, Geoffrey.
00:59:58Put your legs...
01:00:00That's better.
01:00:02It's because it's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:14Call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.
01:00:17It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:40Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:08Did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:13Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:37I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave me to rest.
01:01:43I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:01:54Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I?
01:02:18I don't.
01:02:18What's up?
01:02:39I don't know.
01:02:40Let's go.
01:03:10Beryl.
01:03:16Geoffrey.
01:03:19Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:24Oh, Beryl.
01:03:28Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:31Oh, God.
01:03:40Hello.
01:03:46Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:52You're a bugger.
01:03:55I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:04Hello?
01:04:05It's me.
01:04:06Who?
01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:11I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in,
01:04:16tonight or any other night.
01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:21Come on, please.
01:04:22I'll get home, please.
01:04:23I'll get the door open.
01:04:24I'll get back to you.
01:04:25You gotta get the door open.
01:04:26You have the door open, please.
01:04:27I'll get the door open.
01:04:29There's no door open.
01:04:30All right, let's go back.
01:04:31And there's no door open, please.
01:04:33Come on.
01:04:34We'll meet now.
01:04:35All right.
01:04:36A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Look, who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:28Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:34Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match with 40,000 skinheads and you.
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the co-op.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16They're...
01:06:17They're forth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:20Away from home, they've won three, drawn five, and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:05I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:08I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:45I don't mean, er, permissive, permissive.
01:07:51Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:05What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgills.
01:08:40Mr and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52Do I tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31Beryl would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:45What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:40No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:08What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:25The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:35Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:47And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:51And so society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, wasn't he?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:16Take two a day after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a day.
01:12:21You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage.
01:12:56Twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:03Oh, hell.
01:13:07Time's up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Do you think you're going?
01:13:17Jeffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:22I keep asking you, what is?
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:33What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face would go on to?
01:14:25See, what I think...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46Happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:58Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:38Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47There isn't.
01:15:47You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:08Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:20There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:55Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking.
01:18:30I think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:39Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, man.
01:19:00St. Anne's Square.
01:19:01St. Anne's Square, please.
01:19:02So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:21Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teethine ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41But a simple thing.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in my life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,
01:19:51it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:09Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:27I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yeah.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch?
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest,
01:20:49seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,
01:20:52because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:21:00Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:10And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine?
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:27Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Right.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See President Nixon went to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Mm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going
01:22:31to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:28And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed, I bet.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:54and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:54Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football.
01:25:13It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:16Hi.
01:25:40Hey! When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:48What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then? I don't know.
01:26:04I could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you? Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country? May as well, if you like.
01:26:21Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends. Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38I could play shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Even if you can play.
01:26:53I think there's a little more anyway.
01:26:55You can play with your friends.
01:26:57You could play with them too.
01:26:59You could play with your friends.
01:27:01Can you play with your family?
01:27:02OK, I'm sure you're not sure you're here,
01:27:05I'm sure you're there.
01:27:06Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:36All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51Picking one out.
01:27:56ould!
01:27:57Picking one out of the crowd.
01:28:02Why?
01:28:02Praising one out of the crowd.
01:28:05The United States!
01:28:07The United States!
01:28:09The United States!
01:28:11The United States!
01:28:13The United States!
01:28:29And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather
01:28:35Can turn out fine
01:28:37So fine
01:28:39Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:01Love and rainy weather
01:29:05Love and rainy weather
01:29:07When the crying's dark
01:29:13Love and rainy weather
01:29:17Are followed by the song
01:29:23Of the rainy weather