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09:45Arjun, not a lot of people know this, man.
09:50But you flunked the 12th standard.
09:53That means technically you're not even qualified to be a bus conductor.
09:57Which is really sad, because I think you would have sold way more tickets as a bus conductor.
10:04And man, you played an IIM student in two states.
10:09But you're so illiterate that the only IIM student you could play was Chetan Bhagat.
10:15Oh, fuck. In two states, Arjun plays a Punjabi guy who falls for a hot South Indian.
10:26So basically, he played Boni Kapoor.
10:35But, but, but, congratulations, guys, on your big night.
10:40This is the stupidest thing you've agreed to do since Gunde.
10:42And now, let's move on to our first roaster for the evening, Ashish Shakyah.
10:49Now, Ashish Shakyah is so black, his mother screened him for Ebola when he was born.
10:57So, ladies and gentlemen, turn on the lights and welcome on stage, Ashish Shakyah.
11:02Thank you, thank you.
11:11Can we have a huge round of applause for my opening act, junior comedian, Karan Johar.
11:20Now, before we begin, I'd like to thank the entire panel for coming out today, and Karan for not.
11:25Look, I'm just saying, Karan, let's do this tonight.
11:34It's out in the open.
11:35It's not a secret anymore.
11:37Everybody knows this.
11:38So, let's just address the elephant in the room.
11:41What's up, Tanmay?
11:42Another little announcement, Paraniti Chopra is not here tonight because we told her she'd
11:50get fucked by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people.
11:54Karan Johar is here tonight because we told him he'd get fucked by 10 dudes in front of 4,000
11:57people.
11:58Abish Matthew is here.
12:07Abish Matthew.
12:09Yeah, yeah.
12:11Abish is so unattractive that he was an altar boy for seven years and not one priest molested
12:16him.
12:19Rohan Joshi is here.
12:20Rohan Joshi.
12:24Dude, the only reason you're famous is because you dated Alia Bhad's sister.
12:28That's, that's, you're like the Robert Wadra of comedy.
12:33Except you have no money.
12:35But let's get to the real reason we're here, the real reason.
12:38Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor, the two skid marks in the commode that is Bollywood.
12:44Just look at them sitting there marinating in their own mediocrity, man.
12:48Just.
12:50Ranveer, you did an ad for Durex.
12:53It's the first time I saw a condom being endorsed by an STD.
12:58Now, I'm not saying Ranveer Singh is hyper, but Preeti Zinta just tried to snort him backstage.
13:06Your girlfriend's way more talented than you, Arjun, man.
13:08She was in Lutera, Lutera.
13:10You guys in Lutera are based on an O. Henry story called The Last Leaf.
13:14Because Sonakshi ate the rest of the leaves.
13:16I'm, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, man.
13:20Sonakshi doesn't eat salads.
13:26But Ranveer did well.
13:27Ranveer did well.
13:27He got Deepika, yeah.
13:29I like, I like this couple.
13:29Deepika and Ranveer.
13:30What an awesome couple, right?
13:31Like, Deepika's a state-level badminton player and Ranveer's a national-level sex offender.
13:40It's lovely.
13:41It's beautiful.
13:43But you know what, Karan, Ranveer is not going to admit it, but Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is one of his favorite films.
13:48All-time favorite films ever.
13:50Like, even today, that film makes him reach out for a box of tissues.
13:53Because he's the only guy who will jerk off to Farida Jalal.
13:58I mean, I mean, it was either her or Rima Lagu, you know.
14:02But you know, jokes aside, Lain Jamin, jokes aside, I just want to say that these guys are awesome for doing this.
14:07You guys, such sports.
14:08This would not have been possible without you guys.
14:10Round of applause for Ranveer Jhun.
14:15This would not have been possible without you because I've never seen somebody with as fucked up careers.
14:19Thank you so much.
14:20You guys have been great.
14:20Cheers.
14:23Ladies and gentlemen,
14:27Our next roaster is the loud, classless tumor responsible for the roadies.
14:36Look at you.
14:37Look at you, you bold, angry bastard.
14:41You look like Vishal Darlani got chemo.
14:48Please welcome on stage the human gonad, Raghuram.
14:53Thank you.
15:02Thank you so much.
15:03I was very nervous coming here, being the only non-comic here along with Rajiv Masan.
15:06I thought this would be new.
15:07But there's something very nice and comforting and familiar about this.
15:12Only thing is, the last time I saw so many chutes in one place, I was auditioning them.
15:14AIB, you fuckers, sit here and diss me and roadies when basically you have the same philosophy with your videos.
15:23I just gave you 50 more views.
15:37But, congrats on putting up this fuck all show.
15:40No wonder you put it in town, otherwise, our friend Rohan would never be here, you towny bastard.
15:47He's so towny, he thinks Malad is something lawyers say in court.
15:51And you dare make fun of my illiterate audience, the only way you can get Tanmay to read anything printed on paper, is to serve him bhel in it.
16:06Karan I watched, my name is Khan the other day.
16:09Khan, am I saying it right?
16:10Khan, from the epiglottis.
16:12I must say, your film is shit.
16:15Shit, from the anus.
16:20Fun fact, my wife played a character in your film, did you know that?
16:27I almost divorced her over it.
16:29Then I did T-Smart Khan, so now we're even.
16:35That brings me to the girls of the hour, the bells of the ball, Ranveer and Arjun.
16:40You've been an inspiration to the youth of this country.
16:44You guys send out the message loud and clear that if you work hard and if you persevere, then one day, you too can suck Adi Chopra's cock.
17:02And Ranveer, I'm not saying Arjun is getting sick of you, but soon he's going to leave you for Virat Kohli.
17:10In Lutera, Ranveer digs a really long underground tunnel somewhere in Bengal.
17:14I like that film.
17:15And it only goes to prove that no matter how remote, dangerous or smelly, if there is a hole, Ranveer Singh will enter it.
17:21On a serious note, thank you so much for letting me do this.
17:33Ranveer and Arjun, you're the nicest, sweetest, most sporting set of cunting, chudu bagar, landfuckit bastards I've ever met.
17:39Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:40Cheers.
17:41Cheers.
17:41Cheers.
17:42Cheers.
17:42Cheers.
17:43Cheers.
17:43Cheers.
17:43Cheers.
17:44Cheers.
17:51Our next roaster then, ladies and gentlemen, is Gursimran Khamba.
18:01Please give it up for the funniest guy in AIB after Tanmay Rohan and Ashish, Gursimran Khamba.
18:07Give it up for Karan Johar, guys.
18:21Give it up for Karan Johar.
18:23Like many in the industry have.
18:28Raghu Ram is here.
18:30When Raghu met Karan backstage, Karan was like, nahi, touch up niche yeh, please fuck off.
18:37Raghu, you also did a season of roadies in the United States.
18:41Congratulations, man.
18:43Congratulations on being the biggest bunch of assholes to enter the United States since 9-11.
18:50Rohan Joshi is here.
18:52Rohan Joshi.
18:54The only reason Rohan Joshi is a part of AIB is because he's cute.
18:59Seriously.
19:00Rohan, how does it feel to be the Rahul Gandhi of AIB?
19:02It's nice.
19:03It's sweet.
19:05Tanmay Bhat is here.
19:10Really sensitive man, Tanmay Bhat.
19:13When Tanmay Bhat is lonely, he doesn't go on Tinder.
19:15He goes on Zomito.
19:19Rajiv Masand is here.
19:20Rajiv Masand.
19:21Seriously, Masand, though, stop calling yourself a journalist.
19:25Every time you call yourself a journalist, ISIS beheads a real one.
19:29Aliya in the front row has no idea what the fuck ISIS is.
19:37No idea.
19:41Not the fuck.
19:45Aliya, just to clarify, on your products in the kitchen, that is the ISI mark that is different.
19:50ISIS is a terrorist organization.
19:59Abish Matthew is here.
20:00Abish Matthew.
20:01Abish Matthew is so Catholic.
20:03Once he's done masturbating, it takes three days for his dick to resurrect.
20:06Aditi Mithal is here.
20:11Aditi Mithal, an actress.
20:13Aditi Mithal is the only actress where if you Google Aditi Mithal hot pics, Google is like,
20:18Bhai, toh aat, bina hilay sohja, please, please, relax, please, please, please, yaar, please.
20:25Sharamkar, advanced setting mein kuch, at least incognito mode to chala le, yaar, please, like.
20:32Ashi Shakyah is here, Ashi Shakyah.
20:35Ashi Shakyah is so black, his girlfriend gives him a blowjob every time she craves Kala Khatta.
20:44Ashi spends a lot of time at Juhu Beach.
20:46But seriously, Karan, director, producer, writer, actor, you're like four guys in one.
20:54Exactly how you like it.
20:58But seriously, you know, Karan Johar is now best friends with Anurag Kashyap,
21:02so he can get some, like, indie cred.
21:05It's the first time in Bollywood, someone has slept their way to the bottom.
21:09It's...
21:10And now for the men of the hour, the men of the hour, Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor.
21:20Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor.
21:21You know, Arjun Kapoor failed the 12th standard and then lost.
21:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:26But seriously, I want to, I want to...
21:31But seriously, Arjun has failed the 12th standard and after that he lost a lot of weight.
21:47He's Smriti Rani in reverse.
21:54Alias Smriti Rani.
21:56Is a MP, okay?
22:06From...
22:08You know, honestly, we wanted to get Ranveer Kapoor for the show, but we could only manage Ranveer.
22:14Which is also what Deepika did, so I guess it's fine, I guess it's...
22:17It's okay.
22:19It's okay.
22:20But I want to say this.
22:22Thank you very much, Arjun and Ranveer.
22:23This wouldn't have been possible without you and your PR team's dedication to making you two look cool.
22:29Thank you very much.
22:30Thank you very much.
22:47Our next roster, ladies and gentlemen, is Rohan Joshi.
22:53Oh, holy crap.
22:55Look at all these Bollywood people in the front row looking scandalized.
22:59Does it look familiar, Rajiv?
23:02Ladies and gentlemen, my man Raghuram is here.
23:05Oh, yeah.
23:06You know what they wrote, right?
23:09It's not going to make it to the event.
23:10It's, yeah, yeah.
23:11But these two songs that they wrote, that I'm going to be right now.
23:14No, no, no, wait.
23:15Karan, I have a better song for you.
23:16Since you're so inspired by the Chopras.
23:19Our next roster, ladies and gentlemen, is Rohan Joshi.
23:34Rohan Joshi recently moved from Malabai Hill to Santa Cruz.
23:38That's like moving from Ranbir Kapoor to Ranbir Singh.
23:40That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
23:46Who does that?
23:48So, please welcome the worst thing to happen to the Gujaratis since Tarak Mehta, Rohan Joshi.
23:53Oh, holy crap.
24:02Look at all these Bollywood people in the front row looking scandalized.
24:06Last time I saw a bunch of Bollywood people look this scandalized,
24:09they've just been told they have to earn awards, not buy them.
24:14Why are they saying in public what we say at parties?
24:17Karan Johar, how's it going?
24:27Karan Johar, fantastic host, yes.
24:32Karan, you are exactly like the movies you make.
24:35You both have massive openings.
24:36Karan, your filmography, all right?
24:47Let me do this.
24:48Kuch-kuch hota hai, kal ho na ho, kabhi khushi, kabhi gham, kabhi alvida na kehna.
24:54Dude, you are so obsessed with the letter K, you probably snort potassium.
25:00Alia, don't even try.
25:03Don't even try.
25:04All right, just let it be.
25:11But seriously, Karan, kabhi khushi, kabhi gham is the worst fucking thing I have ever seen.
25:16It is the worst thing that Amitabh Bachchan has ever been in.
25:21And he's been in a fucking coma, dude.
25:27Let's talk some more about kabhi khushi, kabhi gham.
25:29Yes, in kabhi khushi, kabhi gham,
25:32An enormously fat child magically grows up to be Hrithik Roshan.
25:36You bastard, you ruined Tanmay's life.
25:41You bastard, you ruined his life.
25:47He just sat there for 10 years wondering when he'd transform.
25:52And now look at him.
26:01Tanmay Bhat, good friend of mine, how's it going, man?
26:04Tanmay Bhat, ladies and gentlemen, Tanmay Bhat is so fat.
26:07His small intestine is his large intestine.
26:11And his large intestine is Mukesh Ambani.
26:13Abish Matthew is here.
26:17How's it going, man?
26:18You good?
26:19You sweet virginal boy.
26:22Abish Matthew is such a virgin that in five days,
26:25he's going to give birth to Jesus.
26:28Unfortunately, Abish Matthew is also so ugly
26:31that Jesus doesn't love him.
26:32He just wants to be friends.
26:36What's up, man?
26:38Ladies?
26:39Huh?
26:39Aw, all the cheap seats are yelling.
26:47Fun fact, Gursimran Khamba's dad's name,
26:50I am not making this up,
26:51is Manmohan Singh.
26:53I'm not making this up.
26:55This just goes to show that if your name is Manmohan Singh,
26:58you have to have to wear one little child in life.
27:04Ashish Shakyah,
27:06represent,
27:07just speaking in your accent.
27:09But seriously,
27:11Ashish Shakyah is so black,
27:13he should be sitting in a Swiss bank account.
27:19Ashish Shakyah is so black,
27:21a white cop got away with killing him.
27:24Raghu Ram of Rody's fame.
27:27Raghu,
27:28you dedicated an entire decade of your life
27:30to giving one uneducated child every year
27:33a shitty motorcycle.
27:36You're like Muslim Santa Claus.
27:38to the men of the hour,
27:45Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor.
27:48Ranveer Singh,
27:49you're Sindhi,
27:49aren't you?
27:51You're so Sindhi that you insist
27:52that your girlfriends bring back the receipts
27:54from the abortion clinic
27:55for tax purposes.
28:01But you're such a pervert, Ranveer.
28:03You are, it's true.
28:05You're such a pervert
28:06that that photograph of Deepika Padukone
28:07in the Times of India
28:08was taken by him.
28:09Arjun Kapoor,
28:16you've gone on record to say
28:17that Aditya Chopra told you
28:19at the start of your career
28:20that you are not a good-looking guy.
28:23Brother,
28:23when an invisible dude
28:24tells you you're ugly,
28:25you're ugly.
28:25Arjun,
28:33stay down there
28:33because I have to hand it to you.
28:35It takes a special person
28:37to be the least talented person
28:39in a family
28:40that has Sonam and Sanjay Kapoor.
28:49But seriously,
28:50thank you guys.
28:51It's mind-blowingly cool
28:52of you to do this
28:53and I thank you so much for it.
28:54Thank you so much.
29:12Add sexual asphyxiation to his list.
29:17Alright then,
29:18our next roaster is
29:20Abish Matthew.
29:24Abish Matthew,
29:26ladies and gentlemen,
29:27says that he's religious,
29:29which is what all virgins
29:30above a certain age
29:31call themselves.
29:33Ladies and gentlemen,
29:34please welcome to the stage
29:35a man who needs an introduction
29:37but doesn't deserve one,
29:38Abish Matthew.
29:39Thank you.
29:48Thank you.
29:48Ladies and gentlemen,
29:49give it up for
29:49Mr. Karan Johar.
29:50Isn't he fabulous?
29:54Karan,
29:54your show,
29:55Coffee with Karan.
29:56Wow,
29:57man.
29:57If that show
29:58was any more incestuous,
30:00I would call it
30:00Dadaar Parsi colony.
30:01Ladies and gentlemen,
30:07the man Ragu Ram
30:08is here.
30:09Oh yeah.
30:11Ragu,
30:12you are so abusive.
30:13We tried to
30:14high-five your wife.
30:15She ducked.
30:20Ladies and gentlemen,
30:21Rajiv,
30:21Mahsan,
30:22give it up for that guy.
30:23Look at him.
30:23You look like a hobbit
30:24had sex with a Pillsbury doughboy.
30:26Rajiv Mahsan is a strict
30:33film critic,
30:34ladies and gentlemen,
30:35and does not give out
30:36five stars easily,
30:37nor does he give out
30:38Perk,
30:39Munch,
30:40Bounty,
30:40Eclairs,
30:41or Snickers.
30:42You are like a walrus
30:43and a seal
30:44fused together.
30:46You appreciate cinema
30:48something like this.
30:49Oh,
30:50oh,
30:50oh,
30:51oh,
30:52oh,
30:53oh,
30:53oh,
30:54oh,
30:55oh,
30:56Aditi Mithil
31:01is one of the top
31:02comics in the country.
31:04Oh,
31:05wait,
31:05I'm sorry,
31:05I got that wrong.
31:06Aditi Mithil
31:06has been on top
31:08of most of the comics
31:09in the country.
31:14Now,
31:15ladies and gentlemen,
31:16the star attraction
31:17for the evening,
31:19Arjun Kapoor
31:19and Ranveer Singh.
31:21Yeah?
31:22Arjun,
31:23you said as a child
31:24every time
31:24Sonam Kapoor,
31:25your cousin,
31:26went out on a date,
31:27you used to join her
31:28as the third wheel.
31:30That is the first time
31:31a third wheel
31:32had four tires.
31:37But congratulations,
31:39you are slim now
31:40and you've been dating
31:42Sonakshi Sinna.
31:43Congratulations there.
31:45But,
31:46those are all rumors
31:47that's not true
31:48because you know
31:49you're not supposed
31:50to freaking
31:50touch carbs.
32:00Let me sing
32:01to Mr. Ranveer Singh.
32:02Ranveer Singh,
32:03all you single ladies
32:03out there,
32:04Ranveer Singh
32:05is actually on Tinder.
32:06Yeah,
32:07or as he likes
32:08to call it,
32:08Flipkart.
32:12Ranveer,
32:13how does it feel
32:14to be the only
32:15sad person
32:15in the country
32:16every time
32:17Virat Kohli
32:17scores a century?
32:25Anyway,
32:26Arjun Kapoor
32:26and Ranveer Singh,
32:27thank you so much
32:28for having me.
32:28Roast you guys.
32:29You guys are super cool.
32:30You guys are an inspiration
32:31to a generation.
32:32Keep continuing
32:32being cool.
32:33Thank you so much.
32:39Hello.
32:41Our next roaster
32:42is Aditi Mittal.
32:47She's only here
32:48because we needed
32:49one girl on the panel
32:50so that Ranveer Singh
32:52has someone to joke off to.
32:54Please give it up
32:55for this lady
32:56and gentleman,
32:57Aditi Mittal.
33:03Good evening everyone.
33:11Thank you,
33:11thank you so much
33:12for having me
33:13on this show.
33:14Kamba,
33:15you just are so far up
33:17Tanmay's asshole
33:18that Tanmay's dinner
33:21last night
33:21is your breakfast
33:22this morning.
33:23It's...
33:24And ladies and gentlemen,
33:28Tanmay is here.
33:29Tanmay Bhat's idea
33:30of going down
33:31on a woman
33:32and is bending over
33:32and asking,
33:33Moushi,
33:34how much potato
33:34is this potato?
33:34Moushi?
33:40Rajeev Massan.
33:42Rajeev.
33:43Rajeev,
33:43I'm not saying
33:44that you're fat.
33:46But you look
33:47like a steamed momo.
33:51Rajeev,
33:51I'm a big fan
33:52of your work.
33:53You know,
33:54a ceiling fan
33:55of your work.
33:56Like a stool,
33:57a rope
33:58and a ceiling fan.
33:59Abhish.
34:02Abhish,
34:03if a girl
34:03has sex with you,
34:04she becomes
34:05a virgin again.
34:10You are literally
34:11a hymen repairman.
34:15But no,
34:16from the over-entitled
34:18assholes on my right
34:19to the over-entitled
34:21assholes on my left.
34:23Karan,
34:24I feel like
34:25the only reason
34:26you would come out
34:26of the closet
34:27is if you heard
34:28that Jaya Bachchan
34:29was waiting outside
34:30with a thali.
34:36Arjun,
34:37I think your greatest
34:39role so far
34:40has been
34:40your career.
34:46And Arjun,
34:47let's,
34:48I mean,
34:48we can't forget it.
34:49You failed
34:4912th standard.
34:51You failed.
34:52You're so dumb
34:53that when you first
34:54saw a dildo,
34:55you went looking
34:56for the plastic man
34:57it fell off from.
35:00You were like,
35:00kiska hai,
35:01kiska hai,
35:01mene?
35:04Speaking of dildos,
35:05Ranveer is here.
35:10And Deepika
35:10is dating Ranveer
35:11as we all know.
35:13It's great.
35:14Deepika,
35:15as a woman,
35:15I want to say
35:16thank you.
35:17You're taking
35:20one for the team.
35:30Thank you
35:30for keeping him
35:31off the streets.
35:34Thank you so much.
35:35My name is Aditi.
35:36Thank you, Aditi.
35:43What happened?
35:46All okay?
35:49Baaki hai.
35:50Peechhe mur jau.
35:55All right.
35:56Our next roster
35:57is Rajiv Mazand.
36:01Rajiv,
36:02I don't know
36:03why you review movies.
36:05If I wanted to watch
36:05a pasty,
36:06high-pitched diva
36:07be clueless about films,
36:08I'd watch
36:09Anupama Chopra.
36:10Give it up
36:11for the human loofah,
36:12Rajiv Mazand.
36:13Thank you.
36:34Does it look familiar,
36:35Rajiv?
36:35Thank you.
36:44It's good to be here.
36:46Look at Karan,
36:47being openly mean to me.
36:50I guess you don't have
36:51a movie coming out
36:52anytime soon, huh?
36:57Karan,
36:58you joked about
36:59how you pay me
37:00for good reviews.
37:01here's a thought.
37:03You wouldn't have
37:04to pay a critic
37:05if you'd actually
37:06paid for a decent
37:07fucking script writer.
37:09Karan Johar
37:14went from
37:16hating Anurag Kashyap
37:18to loving him.
37:21So you're
37:22the opposite
37:22of Kalki.
37:26Now,
37:27speaking of people
37:28who blow
37:29Karan Johar
37:29for work,
37:30AIB is here.
37:33Hey,
37:34Ashish,
37:35loved you
37:36in 12 years
37:37a slave.
37:41And in
37:42Captain Phillips.
37:44And in
37:45Kim Kardashian.
37:48But let's get
37:49to the stars
37:49of the night,
37:50Arjun Kapoor
37:51and Ranveer Singh.
37:53Ranveer,
37:53you're so slutty.
37:55Every time
37:56I start a rumor
37:57about you,
37:58turns out
37:58it's already true.
38:01Your cock
38:02travels faster
38:02than the speed
38:03of gossip, man.
38:07Arjun Kapoor
38:08played a double
38:09role in Aurangzeb.
38:10So he could
38:11disappoint his father
38:11twice.
38:15But all jokes aside,
38:17thank you
38:17for having me here.
38:18Arjun,
38:19Ranveer,
38:19this was great fun.
38:20And it's also
38:21the only time
38:22I'll be using
38:22those two words
38:23to describe
38:23anything that
38:24you're involved with.
38:25Thank you,
38:26ladies and gentlemen.
38:34Give it up
38:34for Arjun Masan,
38:35ladies and gentlemen.
38:38Our next roaster
38:39is the multi-talented
38:40Tanmay Bhat.
38:45But, but, but,
38:46then I realized
38:47that loud and fat
38:48are not talents.
38:49Ladies and gentlemen,
38:51give it up
38:51with a sentient
38:52butt cheek.
38:53Tanmay Bhat.
39:01Ladies, I'm giving it
39:02for Karan Johar.
39:03Karan Johar,
39:03yes.
39:05Karan, you're not
39:05like most people.
39:06Karan, you're not
39:06like most people.
39:07Because when most
39:08people come,
39:09they come like,
39:09ah, ah, ah.
39:12Karan, when you come,
39:13you come like,
39:13Karan Johar,
39:23why the fuck
39:24do so many of your
39:26movies pander
39:27to the NRI audience?
39:28Really, if you
39:29pander to the NRIs
39:30more, I'd have to
39:31call you Narendra Modi.
39:34But everyone's
39:35made so much fun
39:35of you, Karan.
39:36Everyone's made
39:36so much fun of you.
39:37I want to talk about
39:38the positives
39:38about Karan Johar.
39:39Karan Johar gives
39:40so many helpless
39:42actors a chance
39:43in the industry.
39:44So many actors
39:45who have no connections
39:46in the industry,
39:46Karan launches them.
39:47You know, like
39:48Alia Bhatt and
39:49Varun Dhawan.
39:50Actors who have
39:51no idea how to
39:52launch themselves
39:53if it wasn't
39:53for Karan Johar.
39:55Karan, you're
39:56fantastic at
39:56uplifting the
39:57already fucking
39:58uplifted.
40:00You are Robin Hood.
40:01You give money
40:02from the rich
40:03to the rich.
40:06What'll you do?
40:06Meet Aisha Dakey,
40:07give her a push-up,
40:08bruh.
40:08What is wrong with you,
40:08Karan?
40:09What the fuck
40:10is wrong with you?
40:10But of course,
40:17after co-founding
40:18AIB,
40:18I've had the
40:19pleasure of
40:19working with
40:19the finest,
40:20most talented,
40:21hardworking,
40:22and funniest
40:22comics of this
40:23country,
40:23also you,
40:24Rohan.
40:26Rohan,
40:26some people say
40:27you're an
40:27unfunny fuck
40:28who has a
40:29career only
40:29because you
40:30have a vaguely
40:30generic face
40:31and your
40:32connections to
40:32the Butt family.
40:33Rohan,
40:33don't listen
40:34to those people.
40:35Those people
40:35are jealous,
40:36those people
40:36are petty,
40:37those people
40:38are right,
40:38but don't
40:39listen to them,
40:39Rohan.
40:40I want you guys
40:44to give a round
40:45of applause
40:45to Ashish
40:45Shakya.
40:46It is not
40:47cool that so
40:49many people
40:49came here and
40:50made jokes about
40:51you being ugly.
40:51It's not cool.
40:52Ashish,
40:53you are the
40:53hottest guy in
40:54AIB,
40:54all right?
40:55You are the
40:55hottest guy in
40:56AIB because
40:56black absorbs
40:57more heat.
41:01Scientifically,
41:02he's the hottest
41:03guy is all
41:04I'm saying.
41:06Aditi,
41:06I think,
41:07I personally
41:07think you're
41:08the best
41:08female comic
41:09on the
41:09panel today.
41:10It's so
41:11nice.
41:15Aditi,
41:15you're so
41:15Punjabi,
41:16you don't
41:16wear lingerie,
41:17you wear a
41:17brrrrra.
41:23Frumpy tits
41:24reminds me,
41:24Rajiv
41:25is here.
41:26Rajiv,
41:27Rajiv,
41:27why do you
41:28use so many
41:28fucking fancy
41:29words to
41:30describe simple
41:30concepts?
41:31Why do you
41:32do that?
41:32Like,
41:32if I were
41:33to describe
41:33you,
41:34I would not
41:34say,
41:35Rajiv is the
41:35pinnacular
41:36zenith of
41:36biopollinating
41:37vaginal
41:38diaspora.
41:38I would just
41:39say,
41:39it's simple
41:40as that.
41:41Why are you
41:42complicating
41:42simple shit?
41:45Can we get
41:48off for
41:48Anveer Singh
41:48and Arjun
41:49Kapoor?
41:49Yes.
41:51Arjun,
41:52you're the
41:52grandson of
41:53producer
41:53Surinder Kapoor,
41:54son of
41:54producer
41:54Boni Kapoor,
41:55and entrepreneur
41:55Mona Shuri
41:56Kapoor,
41:56cousin of
41:57actor Sonam
41:57Kapoor,
41:58nephew of
41:58TV tycoon
41:58Sandeep
41:59Madhwa,
41:59nephew of
42:00actor Anil
42:00Kapoor.
42:01Tell me,
42:01was it
42:01tough to
42:02get into
42:02Bollywood
42:02for you,
42:03huh?
42:03Was it
42:04tough?
42:04Did you
42:05have any
42:05fucking
42:05connections?
42:06You
42:06self-made
42:07man.
42:14Ranveer,
42:15you put
42:15on a
42:15Krish
42:15costume and
42:16danced on
42:17Linking Road
42:17for a
42:17dare.
42:18You don't
42:19have to
42:19do that,
42:19man.
42:19At
42:20least wait
42:20for your
42:20next few
42:21flops before
42:21you start
42:22dancing at
42:22a
42:24look at
42:26fucking
42:26Arjun
42:26smiling.
42:28Arjun,
42:28smile for
42:28the audience,
42:29smile for
42:29the audience.
42:30Fucking
42:30the creepiest
42:31smile in
42:31the world,
42:31just smile.
42:34Arjun,
42:34your smile
42:35is so
42:35creepy that
42:36when Shakti
42:36Kapoor looks
42:37at it,
42:37even he
42:37checks his
42:38top button,
42:38like,
42:38what's happening?
42:41Why are you
42:42running like this?
42:50Shoot.
42:53Wow,
42:53you're so
42:54smart,
42:54thank God
42:54you're not
42:55a writer.
43:00But easily
43:01the creepiest
43:01thing today
43:02on the
43:02dais is
43:03Ranveer
43:03Singh.
43:04Seriously,
43:04Ranveer,
43:04you're such
43:05a slut,
43:05if you
43:05fucked a
43:06chick with
43:06Ebola,
43:06she would
43:06die of
43:07AIDS first.
43:12Ranveer,
43:13you're such
43:13a sleaze,
43:14you don't
43:14get turned
43:14on until
43:15Deepika
43:15uses the
43:16pepper spray
43:16on you.
43:19Karan,
43:20you approached
43:20Ranveer
43:21Singh for
43:21one of
43:21your films
43:22Shuddhi.
43:22Ranveer,
43:23of course,
43:23took the
43:23audition
43:24because he
43:24thought it
43:24was called
43:25Fuddhi.
43:28I'm not
43:29saying you're
43:29doing badly
43:30but the
43:30last time
43:30I saw
43:30Kapoor struggle
43:31so hard,
43:32Anil was
43:32trying to
43:32speak English
43:33at the
43:33Oscars.
43:36Oh,
43:36what a
43:36playa
43:37a
43:37chavala
43:37minada
43:38a
43:38playa
43:39a
43:39mera
43:39padam
43:40a
43:40chavala
43:41a
43:41chavala
43:41even
43:44rhyme
43:44secrets
43:45were like
43:45chup
43:45hush
43:45hush
43:45hush
43:46hush
43:46hush
43:46in
43:50conclusion
43:51ladies
43:51and gentlemen
43:51we have
43:52always
43:52had to
43:52push the
43:53envelope
43:53in the
43:54genre
43:54of
43:54comedy
43:54be that
43:55with
43:55the
43:55video
43:56with
43:56Alia
43:56or
43:56with
43:57our
43:57first
43:57video
43:57with
43:57Yashraj
43:58or
43:58today
43:58with
43:59insult
43:59comedy
43:59and
44:00this
44:00would
44:00not
44:00have
44:00been
44:00possible
44:01without
44:02two
44:02of
44:02the
44:02coolest
44:02young
44:03kids
44:03in
44:03Bollywood
44:04it
44:04gives
44:04me
44:04great
44:05pleasure
44:05to
44:06ask
44:06you
44:06guys
44:06please
44:07give
44:07a
44:07huge
44:07fucking
44:08round
44:08applause
44:08for
44:09Anvih
44:09Singh and
44:09Arshul
44:09Kapoor
44:10after
44:14doling out
44:15that shit
44:15to me
44:16how come
44:16none of
44:16you
44:16have
44:16thanked
44:17me
44:17you
44:17fuckers
44:18what
44:24are you
44:24doing
44:24I said
44:25thank
44:25me
44:25not
44:25wank
44:26me
44:26there's
44:26there's
44:28room
44:28for at
44:28least
44:29three
44:29more
44:29I
44:30like
44:30it
44:30like
44:30that
44:31harems
44:31are
44:31my
44:31thing
44:32and
44:33that
44:33ladies
44:34and
44:34gentlemen
44:34was
44:34our
44:35panel
44:35huge
44:35round
44:35of
44:35applause
44:36please
44:42welcome
44:43Arshan Kapoor
44:44and
44:44Brahmir
44:44Singh
44:45industry
44:54one
44:55two
44:55one
44:56two
44:56three
44:57four
44:57and
44:58he
44:58was
44:58genuinely
44:59like
44:59yeah
45:00he
45:00was
45:01the
45:01first
45:01guy
45:01right
45:01and
45:02he
45:03hadn't
45:03heard
45:03all
45:04the
45:04jokes
45:04so
45:05that
45:05was
45:06hilarious
45:06alright
45:06then
45:07give it up
45:08for this
45:09this
45:09this
45:09but we're
45:16not done
45:16yet
45:17because
45:18Arjun
45:19Kapoor
45:19and
45:20Ranveer
45:20Singh
45:20would like
45:21to say
45:21a word
45:21as soon
45:22as they're
45:22done up
45:23stitching up
45:23their
45:23assholes
45:24of course
45:24so
45:25now
45:25ladies
45:26and
45:26gentlemen
45:26here
45:26to
45:27fuck
45:27up
45:27yet
45:28another
45:28climax
45:29please
45:30welcome
45:30Arjun
45:31Kapoor
45:31and
45:32Brahmir
45:32Singh
45:33That hurt
45:56harder than
45:57the time
45:57I gave
45:57Karan
45:58an audition
45:58for
45:58Shuddhi
45:594,000
46:02rupiah
46:02and
46:02look at
46:03our
46:03picture
46:04and
46:04look at
46:04the
46:05bojid
46:05okay
46:05oh
46:08they're
46:08gonna get
46:09fucked
46:09in the
46:09ass
46:10let's go
46:10watch
46:10these
46:10but
46:10demon
46:11would
46:11have
46:11multi-text
46:12to watch
46:12films
46:1225
46:13times
46:14you can
46:14watch
46:144,000
46:15look
46:16Baba
46:16this
46:17love
46:17we
46:18too
46:18but
46:23no
46:23seriously
46:24guys
46:24a huge
46:25round of
46:25applause
46:26to
46:26everyone
46:26especially
46:27All India
46:28Bakchad
46:29I mean
46:31I love
46:32these guys
46:32AIB
46:33I love
46:33All India
46:33Bakchad
46:34man
46:34Tanmay
46:35Rohan
46:36Khamba
46:36Ekon
46:37seriously
46:41Ashish
46:42how can
46:43I roast
46:43somebody
46:44who's
46:44already
46:45burnt
46:45Dambar
46:51Dambar
46:51Dambar
46:52Dambar
46:52no
46:52to
46:52slow
46:52Amawas
46:54Trik
46:59Abish
47:05Abish Matthew
47:05is here
47:06ladies and
47:07gentlemen
47:07the sweet
47:08virginal
47:08boy
47:09Abish's
47:10father
47:10regretted
47:11his birth
47:11so much
47:12that when
47:13he saw
47:13him for
47:13the first
47:13time
47:14he turned
47:14to his
47:14wife
47:15and he
47:15said
47:15Tanmay Bhat
47:19ladies and
47:23gentlemen
47:24Tanmay Bhat
47:24thank you
47:25for letting
47:25us have
47:25this show
47:26inside you
47:27oh no
47:31no
47:31I'm not
47:32saying
47:32Tanmay Bhat
47:33is fat
47:34but Tanmay Bhat
47:36doesn't have
47:37a bath
47:37Tanmay Bhat
47:38has a
47:39visarjan
47:40fun fact
47:44about Tanmay Bhat
47:45ladies and
47:46gentlemen
47:46Tanmay Bhat's
47:47favorite superhero
47:48is Tarla Dalal
47:50seriously guys
47:52the only reason
47:53Khamba started
47:54the AIB podcast
47:55is because
47:55Tanmay likes
47:56to talk
47:56after sex
47:57and the first
48:01four rows
48:01didn't get
48:02that joke
48:02because they
48:02don't follow
48:03the AIB
48:04podcast
48:04they are the
48:06free seaters
48:07in a night
48:08for charity
48:09yeah
48:10industry
48:11yeah
48:12real industry
48:13wala
48:14now
48:14free passes
48:15mango
48:16ke
48:16hao
48:16hao
48:17hao
48:17sports
48:18politics
48:18or hao
48:19hao
48:20rohan joshi
48:23is here
48:23ladies and
48:24gentlemen
48:24rohan joshi
48:26mojo rojo
48:27as he is
48:28very affectionately
48:29called
48:29if you are
48:29mojo rojo
48:30what the fuck
48:30does that make
48:31you three
48:31the power puff
48:32girls
48:32power puff
48:36gandu
48:38you dated
48:39the sister of
48:42Alia Bhatt
48:43Shaheen Bhatt
48:44you are the most
48:45pointless addition
48:46to the Bhatt family
48:47since Vikram
48:48but seriously
48:52I mean
48:52sorry Rohan
48:53we have no more
48:53jokes on you
48:54you are so
48:54fucking generic
48:55Ajithi
48:57what the fuck
48:58are you laughing
48:58at
48:58all of your
48:59jokes are
49:00fucking
49:00male bashing
49:01so you are
49:02sort of like
49:03Karan Jor
49:03after a break
49:03oh fuck
49:10what do we have
49:11here
49:11it's Rajeev
49:12Masan
49:12oh fuck
49:14Shaky Masan
49:15yeah
49:16Rajeev
49:19how does it feel
49:20to be part
49:21of another show
49:22where nobody
49:23gives a fuck
49:23about what you say
49:24Rajeev
49:28I was hoping
49:29that your jokes
49:29would be funny
49:30towards the second half
49:31but much like
49:32your life
49:32it was quite
49:33pointless
49:34your performance
49:34in fact
49:38your performance
49:40was so one tone
49:41and one dimensional
49:43that if I watched
49:44you in 3D
49:44you'd still be flat
49:46motherfucker
49:46in the end
49:50I'll be generous
49:51and give Rajeev
49:52half a star
49:53but only for his
49:53hot wife
49:54because his roast
49:56was more painful
49:57than a root canal
49:58laugh na
50:02since this is the only
50:04time you're going
50:05to find us great
50:06oh Christopher Nolan
50:08ragu you and
50:14your brother Rajeev
50:15Lakshman
50:15are confusing to me
50:17at a biological level
50:18because you both
50:20look like testicles
50:21but you're both assholes
50:23you know baba
50:27honestly
50:28when Raghu and Rajeev
50:29were born in the world
50:30in the first time
50:31one chute
50:31two chute
50:32who made a chute
50:34channel
50:35a chute
50:35show
50:35where thousands
50:36auditioned
50:38which 20 chute
50:39went to chute
50:40countries
50:41and made a chute
50:41chute
50:42and made a chute
50:43chute
50:43chute
50:43chute
50:44chute
50:44ragu what I'm trying to say is
50:46no Raghu
50:52seriously what I'm trying to say is
50:53you why you give such a laugh
50:54you give such a laugh
50:55ragu
50:58okay
50:58let me tell you a little bit
50:59I'll tell you a little bit
51:01you're a little bit
51:01huh
51:01you're wealthy or laughing on your land
51:03in your land
51:05aren't you
51:06sit down
51:06and it's going to be a dream
51:08shoot
51:08shoot
51:08shoot
51:09you can't be a dream
51:09you can't be a dream
51:10shoot
51:11you can't be a dream
51:11you can't be a dream
51:12you can't be a dream
51:13कि पहलेगं कि आपान अनागा है अगां कुछा कई पते coherent ऐसंदी है जरी और बेयुक्रि प्रोणी साथ
51:30अट अनागा बहसा नगता है ़िए
51:43आवाब वाबा, इसको नचर्ट करियो नचर्ट करेदा है।
51:54अज्या रमीर काँछू तर्ट काँछ्या थिए।
52:03तेऩाए। वौटिछ काँछ तर्ट काँछू
52:08पाँछू विए तर्ट काँछू
52:10कोलिव था लू यौल सबस्छाइ मार्वाय।
52:36लट अलॉव फिन सबस्छाइ syndrome
52:40बबबब बबबब बबब बबब बबब
52:45वाव़िज हूए उप्सम एकाइब इन्काइब का चाइब इस्वड़ का रचून कपूर अरणीर से तो तो तूनाइब अजग आफ लूगन्स्ड़।
53:02आट्राइब टेरूब श्ट, राग?
53:06No, not because they're masochists,
53:09or well not just because they're masochists,
53:10But what are you doing?
53:13But, because we're here for some very important causes as well,
53:16and tonight I'm proud to say we've raised close to 40 lakh rupees
53:20to be distributed across charities, across three charities,
53:25Ranveer Singh will be donating to Vogue Empower,
53:29and give India, which as we know is quite a thing he would like to do,
53:34Arjun Kapoor will donate to the Tata Memorial Center
53:36and my contribution will go towards being human
53:39because even my choice of charity is a cliché.
53:43A huge, huge, huge thank you to our panel,
53:47Raghuram, Aditi Mittal, Abhish Matthew, Rajiv Masan
53:50and of course All India Bakht show, ladies and gentlemen,
53:57for putting together tonight's show
53:59and of course a huge thank you to these two fucking bastards,
54:03Arjun and Ranveer, thank you for doing this.
54:05It takes a ton of guts to take that sound of pounding.
54:09You took it like champs
54:10and now we sing the song and we sing it together.
54:14Come here.
54:15Okay, it goes like this.
54:17First with the ala.
54:18A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
54:21I want the words.
54:33Sing with me.
54:33From the bottom of our hearts,
54:47all I can say is we love you
54:49and now fuck off.
54:51You're the only one,
55:21कर दो