Rosebud Baker The Mother Lode 2025
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I will always be loud, I have always been free, no matter what I will be proud, and I will
00:26always be mean, and I'm alive, thank you guys, thank you, okay, thank you so much, wow, thank
00:49you, thank you, oh wow, that stopped abruptly, I am stoked to be here, I'm psyched to be
00:56out of my house, I had a baby 11 months ago, no, I am 8 months pregnant, take it in, just
01:11take it in, and then ignore it, because I'm not keeping it, just trying to quit smoking,
01:22you guys, it's tough, but yeah, how many of you guys are child free in the audience, child
01:31free people, hell yeah, yeah, it's like the fucking DNC in here, that's amazing, I can't
01:42believe I was one of you, it's crazy, I really didn't want kids, and then I looked around,
01:50I saw how much fun all my friends without kids were having, and I said, that's not for
01:55me, you know what I'm saying, I don't, I guess, you know, child free people, you guys are out
02:02here, you're evolving, you're like fucking climbing mountains, you're kayaking, you're reading
02:09books, doing butt stuff, pass, yeah, I'm not trying to evolve, I'm not trying to strive
02:24for excellence, actually, I'm just, I want a decay, I just want a decay in my house, and
02:32so I had a kid, and so far, so good, yeah, I mean, I was so positive that I didn't want
02:39kids, and then everything changed, and the first thing that happened was that I got married
02:44during the pandemic, which is a little bit like freeing Britney, felt like a good idea
02:51at the time, I feel like if we all check in, we're like, maybe we rushed things, but we're
03:07sticking with it, and there wasn't a whole lot to do as a newly married couple during the pandemic,
03:13you know, so we fucked a lot, because I was too embarrassed to dance on TikTok,
03:21I could be a fucking millionaire by now, but I fucked my husband like an idiot,
03:27and I got pregnant, and I was like, okay, well, you know, we don't want kids, but we're married,
03:33so I guess we got to keep this one.
03:39There's no rule or anything, but I feel like at a certain stage of life, like Planned Parenthood,
03:44it feels a little like Coachella.
03:46Like, I got a right to be there, but I've aged out, and
03:53you know what I'm saying? I don't like the crowds.
04:01And I was like, all right, I guess I'm going to be a mom, you know, and I didn't know what kind
04:07of mom I would be. I've been an angry bar clown my entire adult life, so, yeah, fun,
04:16unless you're my kid. I'm just like, it's not the most nurturing position to be in,
04:23but then I realized, I was like, oh, well, I could be a cold mother.
04:25Just like a frigid bitch that won't read you a bedtime story, but I'll fight the bullies myself.
04:37You know what I mean? My kid comes home crying. I run to the playground, dump Timmy's snacks on his
04:43head, just fight his mom, too. Just lay that bitch out, you know? I was like, okay, I know what kind
04:50of mom I'll be, and then finally, once I decided what kind of mother I was going to be, I kind of
04:56could picture it, and then my husband and I got hit with a curveball, which is that we lost the
05:00pregnancy, which is tough, yeah, but, you know, God never gives you more than you can handle, and
05:07I guess I'd had enough abortions where he was like, this one's on the house.
05:20I dodged it, you know? Got a freebie.
05:28Now, yeah, it's rough. It's tough for anybody to lose a pregnancy, but we're two comics, and
05:33so we do pride ourselves on our delivery.
05:36Um, so, a little tougher for us. No, but it taught me a really valuable lesson, because
05:51I was like, oh, okay, see, I never wanted kids until kids started playing hard to get.
05:56And I was like, oh, okay, if you're going to ghost me...
06:02Now I'm fucking into it.
06:10I love an emotionally unavailable baby. That's hot.
06:15He's in it for the chase.
06:16And I made a rookie mistake the second I found out I was pregnant, and I told everybody I
06:23knew, which is, uh, you know, I thought you had to. I went around to all my friends individually,
06:28and I was like, goodbye.
06:32This was fun, you know?
06:35But then I had to give them the news that we had a miscarriage, and nobody talks about
06:38miscarriage, so it was tough to give them that news. And I guess, like, they don't make
06:42cards for it, because Hallmark doesn't think there's a market for that, or whatever.
06:48I think you could. Honestly, I think you could make miscarriage cards. You put a baby on the
06:52front, you open it up, it just goes, psych!
06:55And it's like, can't touch this.
07:00You know, keep it fun.
07:04So I had to tell all my friends, and, uh, and they didn't know what to do. They didn't
07:08know what to say. You know, they tried their best. We got a lot of plants.
07:12A lot of plants. Um, a little tone-deaf, I would say. You know, plants for a miscarriage.
07:20Nobody meant it this way, but the subtext is like, why don't you practice on this?
07:30Try growing something outside of your body first.
07:35Everybody always gets sad at that part. Um,
07:37But, you know, my husband
07:41was like, what do you want to do, babe? Do you want to try again?
07:43Would you like to, you know, pause
07:45on all this? And I was like, well, you know, we've got these
07:47plants to focus on.
07:49So let's be responsible.
07:51Um, but we kept getting
07:53asked the question. I think all
07:55child-free people get asked this question.
07:57Like, do you guys want kids?
07:59When are you gonna have babies? What about babies?
08:01And finally, it felt like J.D. Vance at my door
08:03every fucking day. Like, when are you other kids?
08:08So finally,
08:09I was like, alright, let's do IVF. You know what I mean?
08:11Let's freeze our embryos. Take the pressure off
08:13ourselves. And then when people get nosy and they
08:15go, like, do you want kids? I can be like, actually,
08:17we had kids. Um, they live
08:19in a freezer in Midtown.
08:23And if you don't mind your fucking business,
08:25I'll feed them to the dog.
08:26It's a joke for my
08:32mother-in-law. Um.
08:37Anyways,
08:38I just want to say to anybody that's
08:40been through IVF, it is a brutal,
08:42brutal process
08:43for women.
08:48Men, I can't
08:50stress this enough.
08:52You're fucking useless.
08:56Sure, come in a cup
08:58like the heroes you are.
09:03But, oh my God,
09:04if there's one thing that I've learned from pregnancy,
09:06from IVF, it's that you guys
09:08are absolutely, looking at
09:10my husband's useless head
09:12fills me with
09:14rage that I can't describe.
09:17And he
09:18loves it. He loves to see me
09:20weakened by his sperm. Do you understand?
09:22Every favor,
09:25it's like, do you want some water?
09:27I'm like, oh, you'd fucking love it
09:28if I needed water.
09:31I got it.
09:36The joke always gives me a hot flash.
09:38Um.
09:40Anyway.
09:42So I went through this whole process,
09:44right?
09:45And, uh, and it was brutal.
09:46It was like the most money
09:48that I have ever spent
09:49on drugs.
09:52And none of them
09:53got me high.
09:55Um, until the end.
09:57Where they do this surgery
09:58where they take out your eggs
09:59and they let you do fentanyl.
10:07And I just want to say,
10:08I'm thinking about
10:10doing another round.
10:11They say when you have kids
10:20you'll experience a love
10:22you've never known.
10:23Those people have not
10:25tried fentanyl.
10:28My husband walked in the room
10:30after that surgery.
10:31I went, shh,
10:31I'm listening to Drake.
10:34There was no music on.
10:38It was just me
10:39taking a bath with God.
10:42Listening to Drake, apparently.
10:44And I'm glad they gave it to me.
10:46I'm glad that they allowed me
10:47to do that.
10:48Because honestly,
10:49it's a lot, you know?
10:50Uh, you have to go through
10:51two weeks,
10:51give yourself shots.
10:53Uh, you have to fucking
10:54get your blood drawn
10:55every other day.
10:56You, uh, you go through
10:57these crazy hormonal
10:59ups and downs.
11:00And then you go in
11:00for the surgery
11:01where they take a needle
11:02they put it through
11:02your fucking tubes.
11:04And the whole time
11:05I'm doing this
11:06my husband's in the next room
11:08just jerking off
11:10in a doctor's office.
11:11doing the real heavy lifting.
11:18I'm like,
11:19you better give me fentanyl,
11:20okay?
11:21If I'm going through
11:22a surgery
11:23to give us a child
11:24and you're next door
11:25just like shooting ropes
11:27to another woman
11:27just furiously just...
11:30I'll fucking kill you myself.
11:36He should have to jerk off
11:37to me getting the surgery.
11:44He should be in the corner
11:47of the room like me
11:48with that IVF needle
11:49like, I can't do this.
11:58We both have to walk away
11:59a little scarred.
12:02Okay?
12:02We gotta sacrifice something.
12:05But so we went through
12:05this whole thing
12:06we finished up IVF
12:07and, um,
12:08I'm gonna sound like Trump
12:09right now
12:09but we did big numbers.
12:10Okay?
12:13Yeah.
12:14Huge.
12:15And, um,
12:16and I didn't know this
12:17but during IVF
12:18they grade your embryos.
12:20They pull all your best stuff.
12:22They put them together.
12:22And, uh,
12:23and they make your own
12:24little team of Avengers.
12:27So we had these
12:28perfect embryos
12:29and $20,000 later
12:31my husband and I
12:33finally got pregnant
12:34raw-dogging it
12:36while I had COVID.
12:49So this is not gonna be
12:50our best work
12:50is what I'm saying.
12:52She's a little dumb
12:58but she's strong.
12:59You know what I mean?
13:01She's a survivor.
13:04And I got,
13:05I gotta tell you guys,
13:07you know,
13:08she's fucking huge.
13:10I mean,
13:10I was like,
13:13I'm never gonna comment
13:14on my baby's body
13:15but then I had a newborn
13:16the size of a fucking
13:17cocker spaniel.
13:20We hug,
13:21it looks like
13:22two adults hugging.
13:24And I turn around
13:25and you're like,
13:25oh,
13:25I thought that was
13:26a bald man.
13:28I thought you married
13:29for money.
13:34It's crazy too.
13:36I honestly,
13:37I'm so surprised
13:38by how much
13:39I love this kid.
13:41You know?
13:41I mean,
13:42I don't get me wrong,
13:43I knew I was gonna love her
13:44but I didn't know
13:45it was gonna be like this.
13:46Like,
13:46because I didn't always
13:47wanna be a mom,
13:49I guess I thought
13:49that loving your kid
13:50this much
13:51was for people
13:52whose, like,
13:53dreams had gone away.
14:02Like,
14:02put it this way,
14:03whenever I talked
14:04to somebody
14:04and they were like,
14:05the day I had my kid,
14:06the rest of my life
14:06just didn't matter as much,
14:08I'd be like,
14:09well, yeah,
14:09you were a gym teacher.
14:13I'm not a fucking loser.
14:16I had a cool life,
14:17okay?
14:20But it's true,
14:21I am a loser.
14:22I am a loser
14:22for this kid.
14:23There is, like,
14:24nothing new
14:25you can say
14:26about parenthood
14:26because every cliche
14:28is just true.
14:29Except for this one.
14:31Parents used to say
14:32this to me,
14:33they'd be like,
14:33I didn't even understand
14:34what love was
14:35until I had a baby.
14:37And that is horseshit.
14:40Okay?
14:40Because the way
14:41I feel about my kid,
14:42it's not love.
14:42It's a brand new emotion
14:44that I don't have
14:46a name for,
14:47but it's a lot
14:48scarier than love.
14:50Like,
14:50I love my husband.
14:52Love him.
14:52But I would never
14:53put my nose in his ass
14:55to check if it's
14:56just a fart.
14:57Not for the money
15:08he's making right now,
15:09anyway.
15:11There's no fucking way.
15:15I'm gonna have to
15:16jump up a couple
15:17tax brackets.
15:19But it is,
15:20it's wild
15:20because I didn't feel
15:22like this right away.
15:23I'm glad I got here,
15:25but it wasn't like this
15:25off the bat,
15:26you know?
15:27I had her,
15:28and immediately
15:28I was like,
15:29well,
15:29this is boring as fuck.
15:31Like,
15:31I would have died for her,
15:33but I couldn't tell you why,
15:34because she wasn't
15:35bringing much to the table.
15:37Okay?
15:37I didn't know,
15:38like,
15:38human babies,
15:39they don't come out
15:40cooked.
15:43Like,
15:43she wasn't premature.
15:44She just wasn't online.
15:49And I was like,
15:50all right,
15:51well,
15:51this sucks,
15:52you know?
15:52All they do
15:52is shit and eat,
15:53and I'm like,
15:54this is like
15:54having a pet turtle.
15:57I could have gone
15:58to Petco.
15:59And my friend
16:00calls me up,
16:01one of my best friends,
16:02she goes,
16:02hey,
16:02mama.
16:05Hey,
16:05mommy.
16:06They all talk to you
16:07like you've had
16:07a traumatic brain injury.
16:10All your best friends,
16:12hey,
16:12mama,
16:13just makes you want
16:14to grab a live,
16:14laugh,
16:15love pillow
16:15and fucking end it.
16:16I was like,
16:21she goes,
16:22how's mommyhood,
16:23mama?
16:25I was like,
16:26I think I may have
16:27fucked up my life
16:28in a pretty
16:30irreversible way.
16:33And she goes,
16:34well,
16:34maybe it's
16:35postpartum depression.
16:37And I was like,
16:38well,
16:38I don't want to kill it.
16:44It's just not really
16:44a newborn person,
16:45you know?
16:47I was kind of hoping
16:48for a little more action.
16:49I just,
16:49I was hoping for like
16:50a giraffe birth
16:51where you pop it out,
16:52you watch it run.
16:55It's exciting.
16:58You know,
16:59this sucked.
16:59I kept doing shit
17:00with her before
17:01she was ready.
17:02She was eight weeks old
17:04and I took her
17:04to the playground.
17:09I looked like
17:09I was taking a corpse
17:10down the slide.
17:15people were looking
17:19at me like
17:20I'd lost my child
17:21and wouldn't accept it.
17:23They were shuffling
17:24their kids
17:25off the playground
17:25while I weakened
17:28at Bernie's
17:28my newborn
17:29on the hopscotch.
17:30just like
17:31I don't know
17:40if I had
17:40postpartum depression,
17:41honestly.
17:42I could have written
17:43I have a gun
17:44on one of those
17:45screening things
17:46and the doctors
17:46would have been like,
17:47all right,
17:47you look good.
17:48I mean
17:48my husband
17:51my husband actually
17:52got postpartum anxiety
17:55which is
17:56a woman's disease.
18:01Very supportive
18:02of him.
18:05I mean,
18:06I didn't know
18:07that men could get
18:08postpartum anxiety
18:09and depression
18:09but they actually
18:10they can get it
18:11if they voted
18:12for Bernie.
18:13So I knew
18:18something was off
18:19like right away
18:19because we got home
18:21from the hospital
18:21and he was rushing
18:22in to see
18:23if she was still breathing.
18:24Every five seconds
18:25he was like,
18:25is she breathing?
18:26You know.
18:27And before we knew
18:28it was anxiety
18:28and because he's a man
18:30it pissed me off.
18:33It just felt like
18:35he was checking my work.
18:41I was like,
18:42I just made it.
18:43I just made her.
18:45Out of your jizz
18:46by the way.
18:48You know that useless goo
18:50you shot out of your dick?
18:51I put a head
18:52and ears on that.
18:57Just 3D printed
18:58a perfect human being
19:00out of that garbage.
19:02And you've got the nerve
19:03to come in
19:04like it's a group project.
19:07I'm like,
19:08she's done, babe.
19:10She's finished.
19:11You know?
19:12It made me miss
19:14the fucking 60s.
19:15I was like,
19:16go smoke cigarettes
19:16and cheat on me
19:17like a normal man.
19:21You'll meet her
19:21when she's 18.
19:22No, uh, it is,
19:30it's tough to respect a man
19:32after you have a baby.
19:34Um,
19:34it is.
19:39It's tough.
19:41It's tough to respect them
19:42because you realize,
19:43uh,
19:44if you're married
19:44with a kid,
19:45you realize,
19:45oh,
19:46I had a baby all along
19:47and now
19:48he's feeling neglected.
19:56We got home
19:57from the hospital
19:58and my husband was like,
19:59my tummy hurts.
20:01You need to lie down.
20:04I was like,
20:04I don't give a fuck
20:05about your stomach.
20:06You're a farm hand now.
20:11I feel bad
20:18making fun of him
20:19because honestly,
20:19my husband is way hotter to me
20:21since we had a kid
20:22and he's a great dad
20:24but that is not why.
20:26It's that he fucked me
20:27so hard he ruined my life.
20:31And that's impressive
20:32because there's a lot of men
20:34that talk a lot of game.
20:35They're like,
20:35I'm going to destroy that pussy.
20:36This gentle hearted man
20:39fucked me so hard
20:42I gained 70 pounds.
20:46That's a real dick.
20:49Okay?
20:50That's a dick
20:50that makes you sign up
20:51for life insurance.
20:54Okay?
20:55It's tough.
20:56And he's backed me up.
20:57He's backed me up
20:58through everything.
20:59Like he had my back
21:01when I chose not to breastfeed
21:02which is crazy
21:03because perfect strangers
21:05have very strong opinions
21:06about that.
21:08They're like,
21:09why wouldn't you breastfeed?
21:11I'm like,
21:11well,
21:12it's none of your business
21:12but if you have to know
21:14it's because we're raising
21:15her autistic.
21:26She's formula fed.
21:28She's got all her vaccines.
21:29She's going to know
21:37her way around a map.
21:42Don't come for me
21:43when my kid lays your kid out
21:45in the fucking spelling bee.
21:46Okay?
21:48No,
21:49the real reason
21:49why I didn't breastfeed
21:50is because I had to go back
21:51to work
21:51and so I walked
21:53into the hospital
21:54and I told them,
21:55I was like,
21:55hey,
21:55I'm not breastfeeding
21:57so you can tell
21:58that lactation twat
21:59to skip my room.
22:04Which,
22:05that is not
22:06the job title
22:07but it is
22:08the personality
22:09the job attracts.
22:13They send these women
22:14into your room
22:15every day
22:15in the hospital
22:16with these fucking
22:17Scientology smiles.
22:18and they're like,
22:21hey mama.
22:26Need some help
22:26breastfeeding mama?
22:28And they just press
22:29on your tits
22:30until they cry
22:31and,
22:31and so I was like,
22:35you know,
22:35every day
22:35they would come
22:36into my room
22:37and they'd be like,
22:37hey,
22:37do you need,
22:38and I was like,
22:38no,
22:38I said no,
22:39I said no
22:40and then finally
22:41I called my sister
22:42who's a nurse
22:43and I was like,
22:43I think this hospital
22:44is haunted.
22:44What the fuck
22:48do I do?
22:49And she goes,
22:50oh no,
22:50she told me
22:51that hospitals
22:51actually get
22:52accreditation points
22:53the more people
22:54that leave
22:54having breastfed.
22:57Which is crazy to me.
22:58I guess they're all
22:59like playing a video game
23:00against each other
23:01and like,
23:03however,
23:04whoever gets
23:04the most tits to latch
23:06gets like new
23:06cow print smocks.
23:08I don't know.
23:10You can,
23:11you can call me
23:14old fashioned
23:14but I really
23:15don't think
23:15that nurses
23:16should need
23:17the same motivation
23:18as a liquor rep.
23:23So,
23:24finally,
23:24I was like,
23:25all right,
23:25well,
23:25I don't think
23:26they're going
23:26to let me leave
23:26so I'm going
23:27to fake it
23:27and I was like,
23:29send in the titty tutor
23:30and this capitalist
23:33pig nurse comes in
23:34and she's like,
23:39you need some help?
23:40So I'm,
23:41I'm just hovering
23:42my baby's face
23:43over my tit,
23:44right?
23:44Just like miming
23:45breastfeeding.
23:47Just like,
23:47oh shoot.
23:54Looks like
23:55she's not
23:55going to latch.
23:57I guess I should
23:58just forgive myself.
24:03Just using
24:04twat language
24:05to,
24:06because I shouldn't
24:07internalize it
24:08and I should
24:09forgive my body.
24:13She's like,
24:13no,
24:14she's latched
24:14and I'm like,
24:15oh fuck!
24:15And I just
24:16batting her face
24:18off my tit.
24:22Like chasing orphans
24:24away from a bakery window.
24:25I am very excited
24:33though.
24:33We're having a girl.
24:37Yeah,
24:37that's,
24:38that's really exciting.
24:39And I,
24:40just to be clear,
24:40I don't care
24:41what her pronouns are.
24:42I just want her
24:42to identify
24:43as a huge cunt.
24:44That's all I care about.
24:47That is
24:48how I'm raising her.
24:49That's,
24:52she's going to have
24:52my attitude
24:53and she's going to
24:53have a dad
24:54she's not afraid of.
24:55And that's a brutal,
24:56brutal combo
24:59for a white lady.
25:01Okay?
25:02Yeah.
25:04Yeah,
25:05she's,
25:05she's going to send
25:06back a lot of salads.
25:07It's going to be rough.
25:11So,
25:12it is very,
25:13uh,
25:13isolating
25:14having a kid.
25:15I wasn't expecting that.
25:16I didn't expect it
25:17to be this lonely.
25:18And,
25:19uh,
25:19I've heard that
25:20it was lonely,
25:20but I didn't expect
25:21it like this
25:21because nobody
25:22has kids in New York.
25:23Let's be honest,
25:24it's frowned upon.
25:27People treat kids
25:28in New York
25:28like they're
25:29an endangered species.
25:31They're like,
25:31we have to protect them.
25:33But you bring one
25:33in a restaurant,
25:34they're like,
25:34it should be in a cage.
25:40At this point,
25:41I feel like
25:41having a kid in New York
25:43is like being gay
25:43in New York
25:44in the 50s.
25:45Like,
25:46you got to hang out
25:47with people like you,
25:48and you got to
25:49meet them in the park.
25:58It's rough.
25:59It's rough.
26:00And I had a fucking,
26:01I had a real
26:02identity crisis
26:03from it,
26:04you know?
26:04I went back to work
26:05six weeks later.
26:06My friend comes up to me
26:07and he's like,
26:08hey,
26:08what are you doing
26:08over the weekend?
26:09And then he goes,
26:09oh,
26:10you're a mom.
26:11And he fucking ran
26:12like it was his baby.
26:14He just ran away.
26:16I wanted to be like,
26:17listen,
26:17you little fuck.
26:19My life's not over,
26:20okay?
26:21It's just worse right now.
26:25I'll be back.
26:27But like,
26:28as the months have gone on,
26:29I've realized
26:29there's something really,
26:31genuinely very freeing
26:32about losing your identity.
26:34You know?
26:34Truly.
26:38I used to be so invested
26:40in my little fucking personality
26:41and my online persona
26:43and my opinions
26:45and now it's like,
26:46you can't even piss me off
26:47because I don't know
26:49who the fuck I am.
26:56You ask anybody
26:57who's been a victim
26:57of identity theft,
26:59once that initial panic subsides,
27:01you're like,
27:02I could do fucking anything
27:03right now.
27:04I haven't been
27:07in one internet fight
27:08all year.
27:10Which I think
27:11means I beat it.
27:12I do think
27:12that means
27:13I beat the internet.
27:15October 3rd,
27:16my daughter was born.
27:18October 7th,
27:19Hamas attacks Israel.
27:20I had no fucking clue.
27:24I posted a picture
27:25of my baby.
27:32Somebody wrote,
27:33release the hostages.
27:34And I thought
27:39they were talking
27:40about me.
27:47I wrote,
27:48LOL,
27:48I know,
27:49right?
27:49Right?
27:49I mean,
27:50I mean,
28:02they call it brain fog,
28:04that's the medical term
28:05for stupid.
28:07I don't think
28:08that I've gotten dumber.
28:09I think my brain
28:10got too crowded
28:11when I had a kid.
28:13It's just,
28:13everything's overstimulating.
28:14I don't want to make
28:15a single decision.
28:16Now I just watch
28:17cult documentaries,
28:18like,
28:18aspirationally.
28:22I sit back
28:22at the end of the day,
28:23I'm like,
28:23oh,
28:23not to make
28:24a single fucking choice.
28:27All they've got to do,
28:28it's like linen every day,
28:30free child care,
28:31and all you've got to do
28:33is fuck an ugly
28:33public speaker
28:34once a month.
28:35I mean,
28:35sign me up.
28:37I'm married to a comic,
28:40I'm kind of doing
28:40that anyway.
28:44I'm just kidding.
28:45He's hot,
28:45he's hot though.
28:48It did piss me off though,
28:49because my husband
28:50didn't have any
28:50of this identity shit.
28:52He just like breezed
28:53into fatherhood
28:54with like all of his,
28:55like he had his
28:56new balances,
28:57his shirts
28:58are all a little
28:59too short.
29:01He's like,
29:02he's always rattling
29:03off facts
29:03that nobody gives
29:04a shit about.
29:05And that is
29:07what dads do.
29:08Every dad is playing
29:09a one man game
29:10of Jeopardy
29:10at all times.
29:15I was walking
29:16in the grocery store
29:16last week,
29:17he's like,
29:17hey babe,
29:18you want to know
29:18how a cactus
29:19drinks water?
29:22I was like,
29:22I'd rather fuck
29:23a kangaroo,
29:24actually,
29:26than hear the rest
29:26of that.
29:29He's also constantly
29:30looking at a map
29:31of a place
29:31that we're not going
29:33and that we've
29:34never been to.
29:35The other night,
29:37he was like laying
29:38next to me,
29:38it's four in the morning,
29:39I see the light
29:40of his phone,
29:40I'm like,
29:40are you cheating?
29:41I look over,
29:43he's taking a Google
29:44walk around Romania.
29:52I was like,
29:52I think that's worse.
29:55Just looking at a place
29:57far away from me.
29:58But I knew that he was
30:04going to be a good dad.
30:05I knew right away
30:06because he had a better
30:07upbringing than me
30:08and he was raised
30:09in Seattle by his mom
30:10and his two gay uncles
30:12and they all,
30:14they all have
30:15the same haircut.
30:16Everybody,
30:16they just fucking
30:21built wind chimes
30:22together
30:22because that's
30:24what you do in Seattle.
30:25You just do
30:25rehab activities.
30:30Just go on long hikes,
30:33fucking build birdhouses.
30:36But yeah,
30:37so I knew he was
30:38going to be a good dad.
30:39I had a little bit
30:39of a different upbringing.
30:40I was raised by Republicans
30:41from Texas.
30:44Different vibe.
30:46Okay,
30:47like here's one difference.
30:48My husband
30:49got swim lessons
30:51as a kid.
30:52I got a swim lesson
30:54as a kid.
30:55A Republican swim lesson
30:57is when your dad
30:57just fucking
30:58footballs you
30:59into the water
30:59and when you think
31:01you're about to breathe
31:02your last breath,
31:03he jumps in
31:04and he goes,
31:04you're lucky
31:04I saved your life.
31:09And then you walk around
31:10being like,
31:10he's a hero.
31:11He's mean sometimes
31:14but he saved my life.
31:16Okay?
31:17My dad
31:19had five daughters.
31:21That's not because
31:22he loves women.
31:24That's how many times
31:25he was trying
31:26for a boy.
31:28I have the only
31:29old school
31:30conservative dad
31:31who would be thrilled
31:33if I transitioned.
31:34would buy you
31:41a stopwatch.
31:47So my dad,
31:49when he wanted
31:50to bond with me,
31:50right,
31:51he would take me
31:51hunting
31:52as a little girl
31:54because I loved animals.
31:55and if I got upset,
32:01he'd go,
32:01ah,
32:01and he'd
32:02like shoot a bird
32:03out of the sky
32:03and let me fetch it
32:05to cheer me up,
32:07you guys.
32:09So while my husband's
32:10in Seattle
32:11like painting his face
32:12and eating crayons,
32:13looking like Sia's
32:19first album cover,
32:20like,
32:21I'm doing field dog work
32:26like a beagle
32:27in the woods.
32:30All right?
32:31And that,
32:32you know,
32:32I've learned a lot
32:33about my parents.
32:34I really,
32:35this year,
32:36when you have a kid,
32:37you just start to,
32:38like,
32:38everything opens up.
32:39Like,
32:39I was in the hospital
32:41and I'm sitting
32:41next to my mother
32:42and I go,
32:43hey,
32:43I'm like,
32:44I had just given birth.
32:45I go,
32:45hey,
32:45was there anything
32:45that,
32:46like,
32:46really scared you
32:47when I was born?
32:48She goes,
32:48oh,
32:49yeah.
32:51When you were born,
32:53you had to get
32:53a blood transfusion
32:54and then we found out
32:56that kids your age
32:56getting blood transfusions
32:58were getting AIDS.
33:02And I was like,
33:03when did you get me
33:03tested for AIDS?
33:06She goes,
33:06we didn't.
33:11You just eyeball it.
33:22And this is what
33:23a wasp my mother is.
33:24She goes,
33:25Rosie,
33:25you don't understand.
33:26If we got you tested,
33:27it would have ruined
33:28your social life.
33:34I was like,
33:35you know what would have
33:36ruined my social life,
33:37mom?
33:39Giving everyone
33:40one of my high school
33:41boyfriend's AIDS.
33:48So,
33:49you know,
33:49based on our
33:51different upbringings,
33:52my husband and I
33:54have different
33:54parenting styles.
33:56Okay?
33:57Because I'm trying
33:58to raise our daughter
33:59according to our values
34:00and to, like,
34:01fix whatever was broken.
34:03Okay?
34:04But when you're raised
34:05by Republicans,
34:06you're a piece of shit
34:07deep down.
34:08It gets in your bones.
34:12It's like Lyme disease.
34:17You just gotta live
34:18with those flare-ups.
34:23So I'll give you guys
34:24an example.
34:26My husband and I
34:27were driving in New York.
34:28He was driving
34:29because I didn't want
34:29to listen to him
34:30tell me how to do it.
34:31And he's driving
34:34and I see this homeless
34:36guy wandering around
34:37in the middle of the street
34:38during rush hour.
34:39So I was like,
34:40hey, babe,
34:41heads up,
34:41don't hit the homeless guy.
34:43Pretty decent thing to say.
34:46My husband,
34:48Mr. Seattle,
34:49turns to me
34:50and he goes,
34:51hey,
34:51I don't want to be an asshole,
34:52but you're supposed
34:52to say unhoused.
35:00And here's the thing.
35:01I knew you were
35:02supposed to say unhoused,
35:03but it was just us there.
35:04Dick.
35:10Are we on a fucking podcast?
35:12What the?
35:18I was like,
35:19babe,
35:20well,
35:21he has a sign
35:22and it says
35:22I'm fucking homeless.
35:27Maybe you want
35:28to respect his pronouns.
35:38But then I got greedy
35:39because I got like
35:40one good line in.
35:42And I was like,
35:44babe,
35:44should we pull over actually
35:45and just tell him
35:46how offensive
35:47that sign is?
35:52He's going to cause
35:53an accident.
35:56My husband was like,
35:57I'm going to teach
35:58my wife a lesson today.
35:59And he pulls over.
36:02Yeah.
36:02He pulls over.
36:03He's like,
36:03I'm going to go check
36:04on this guy.
36:05And which makes him
36:06sound like a hero
36:07in the story.
36:08He's not.
36:09He's abusing his wife.
36:13So he gets out
36:14to go check
36:14on this homeless guy
36:15while we're blocking
36:16traffic in New York City
36:17during rush hour.
36:19So all these angry
36:20New Yorkers start
36:21getting out of their cars,
36:22leaning on their horns.
36:22I panic,
36:23roll the window down.
36:25I go,
36:25I point to my husband
36:26and the homeless guy.
36:26I'm like,
36:27that's his dad.
36:28I just fucking lied.
36:38And that's Republican
36:39shit right there.
36:42Yeah.
36:45Yeah,
36:45they trained me
36:46to do that.
36:48Okay,
36:49because you can say
36:49what you want
36:50about Republicans,
36:51but they are the quickest
36:52people on earth
36:52with a lie.
36:54Being a MAGA Republican
36:55right now
36:56has got to feel like
36:57shitting in a public bathroom
36:58and finding out
36:59there's no toilet paper.
37:00You're like,
37:01well,
37:02these are the facts
37:03and I got to get
37:04real creative
37:05real fucking quick.
37:10And you just run
37:11out of the bathroom
37:12like,
37:12they're eating the pets!
37:16In there.
37:20It's amazing.
37:21And I,
37:22it's,
37:22it honestly,
37:23it works
37:24because you tell
37:25enough lies
37:26and people,
37:26it's not that they
37:27believe the lies,
37:28they just stop
37:28believing in anything.
37:29They just,
37:30everyone just stops
37:31believing in anything.
37:32I mean,
37:32that's how QAnon happened.
37:35And I don't really know
37:36how to get into this
37:36except to say that
37:37my hairdresser
37:39joined QAnon.
37:42I don't know if you guys
37:43can still tell.
37:43It was a while ago.
37:46Don't tell me
37:47if you can.
37:47But,
37:49yeah,
37:50she joined
37:51and this is how
37:51I found out.
37:52I showed up
37:52to get a haircut.
37:53She comes out.
37:54She was like,
37:55I gotta show you
37:55this article I read.
37:56And she showed me
37:57a meme.
38:04I was like,
38:05babe,
38:05that's a picture.
38:08And she goes,
38:09not if you're reading
38:10between the lines.
38:13Fuck.
38:15I'm like,
38:16now I gotta get
38:16a new hairdresser.
38:17Which is,
38:18like,
38:18easy.
38:21Or I could pretend
38:22to be in QAnon,
38:22which is a lot easier.
38:25Okay?
38:26I've talked to
38:26a flat earther before.
38:28You just sit there
38:28and you go like,
38:29whoa,
38:30that's crazy.
38:33And then it's over.
38:35You know?
38:36I think every woman
38:37knows how to do that.
38:43So,
38:44I'm sitting in her chair
38:45and I'm listening
38:46to all this horse shit
38:47and one of the things
38:48that she really
38:49to her core
38:50believes
38:50is that there's
38:51rich people,
38:53like a cabal
38:53of rich people
38:54drinking children's blood.
38:57And, um,
38:58that's fine
38:59if you want to believe that.
39:00Okay?
39:02But I was raised
39:03by rich people
39:04and you sound poor.
39:15It's not giving wealth.
39:17I mean,
39:18if you were raised
39:20by rich people
39:21or anywhere near them,
39:22you know
39:23rich people
39:24don't fucking
39:25touch their children.
39:26they're sticky.
39:33Gross.
39:35No.
39:36If I'm gonna drink
39:37a kid's blood
39:37I'd have to hold it myself.
39:39Ew!
39:40No.
39:41Rich people
39:42make their kids
39:43and then they sort of
39:44punch you
39:44to a Bolivian lady
39:45and they go,
39:46don't teach her Spanish.
39:47And then you spend
39:54four years being like,
39:55who's my mom?
39:59But you're asking
40:00in Spanish
40:00so she never
40:01fucking comes.
40:06I am doing things
40:07a little bit differently.
40:08Um,
40:09I don't have
40:10a Bolivian nanny.
40:12She's Filipina.
40:15I love her so much.
40:17I am the wife
40:18to her
40:19that my husband
40:19will never have.
40:22Every day
40:23I sit her down
40:24and I go,
40:24I just want you
40:25to know that I love you
40:25but you've never
40:26made a mistake
40:26in your life.
40:28And if you leave me
40:29I'll sell my ass
40:30on the internet
40:31to keep you.
40:33Okay?
40:36She is fantastic
40:37but,
40:38uh,
40:38she does do
40:39one weird thing
40:40which is that,
40:41uh,
40:42she texts us
40:43as the baby.
40:47I,
40:50I didn't know,
40:51okay?
40:52I hired her,
40:53went back to work,
40:54my husband and I
40:55got a text.
40:56There's no picture
40:56attached.
40:58She said,
40:59I'm up from my nap
41:00mommy and daddy.
41:06And,
41:07we need her
41:08more than she needs us.
41:10So I immediately
41:12text my husband
41:13on the side.
41:13I'm like,
41:13I think we got
41:14a yes and this.
41:19Okay?
41:20And so I write back,
41:21that's good sweetie,
41:22hope you got your rest.
41:23And then my husband
41:24was like,
41:24did you do number one
41:25or number two?
41:26And I was like,
41:29that's what you text
41:30the dog walker.
41:32I was like,
41:33okay.
41:34But my point is,
41:35this has been going on
41:36for 11 months now.
41:37I don't think it'll end
41:40until she sees
41:40the special.
41:45it feels,
41:47it feels like we hired
41:49someone to cosplay
41:50the baby
41:51in our marriage.
41:55But on the bright side,
41:57it does make it
41:57really fucking weird
41:58if my husband tries
41:59to fuck the nanny.
42:00So.
42:03It's kind of genius of her,
42:04to be honest.
42:07A couple of my friends
42:09were like,
42:10hey,
42:10are you going to get
42:10a nanny,
42:11you know,
42:11while I was pregnant?
42:12And I was like,
42:13I think so.
42:13And then some of them
42:14asked me if I was going
42:15to get a white nanny.
42:16And I was like,
42:17well,
42:17that feels like a weird
42:18Google search for me to do.
42:22But also,
42:23no,
42:24I'm not getting a white nanny.
42:26I was a white nanny
42:27and I sucked at it.
42:30Okay?
42:30White nannies will lose
42:32your kid trying
42:33to find themselves.
42:34They also don't have
42:40the restraint of tongue
42:41necessary to be around
42:42other people's children.
42:44Okay?
42:45I went to pick this,
42:46I was a nanny
42:46for this very wealthy family
42:47on the Upper East Side.
42:49I went to go pick them
42:50up from school.
42:50They wouldn't get on the bus
42:51with me because they
42:52didn't like my outfit.
42:55And I told them
42:56they should eat makeup
42:57because it would make them
42:58pretty on the inside.
42:59So yeah,
43:05I don't have a white nanny.
43:08But I am so grateful
43:10every day
43:11that I have my daughter
43:12and that she made it possible
43:15for me to no longer
43:16be pregnant.
43:18Because that shit
43:19is a fucking
43:20body horror nightmare.
43:23This is not my favorite
43:24way to be.
43:25I know a lot of women
43:27who have had like a,
43:28they have like a moment.
43:29You know what I mean?
43:29They're always like
43:30sort of cupping their bump
43:32by a windowsill.
43:37They're having like
43:38a body positivity moment.
43:40That's not what
43:41I've been having.
43:42This is the dumbest
43:43my body's ever looked.
43:44I just want to be clear.
43:48When I'm in the shower,
43:49I just look like
43:49a frog standing up.
43:51I'm like...
43:51just fucking tiny legs
43:59and these big clown tits.
44:03And I'd get it out of the shower
44:04and be like,
44:05it's the WB!
44:06My husband was like,
44:14you gotta stop doing that.
44:16It's really tough to fuck you.
44:20I was like,
44:21that's the idea.
44:24I hated sex pregnant, okay?
44:27I do not feel hot.
44:28I've tried fucking my husband
44:30halfway through my pregnancy
44:31and I just went,
44:32you're all over the place,
44:33get out.
44:35Like a traffic cop.
44:36I was like,
44:37it wasn't even anything he did.
44:39There was too many people
44:40inside me.
44:44I was like,
44:44I'm getting gangbanged
44:45by my whole family right now.
44:50There's no room at the inn.
44:55I'm a lazy,
44:56I'm a lazy fuck
44:57is what I'm saying.
44:58I'm a very lazy fuck.
45:00Like I,
45:03I stopped sucking dick.
45:08And I know, yeah.
45:11I stopped sucking dick
45:12after I got married.
45:13But here's the thing,
45:14he went bald,
45:14so we both lied.
45:21I,
45:21here's,
45:22here's why.
45:23I just need to make it clear
45:24why I did this
45:26is I'm not good at it.
45:30I'm not good at it.
45:31Make eye contact with me.
45:34Stop,
45:35don't look at the sign.
45:38You have to look at me
45:39for the joke.
45:43Then you guys can have
45:44an honest conversation later.
45:48Here's the thing,
45:49I stopped sucking dick
45:50because I'm not good at it
45:51and I know how to take a note.
45:52I know
45:53what my skill set is.
45:56All right?
45:57Here,
45:57when you're not good
45:58at sucking dick,
45:58you don't find out
45:59in a real fun way.
46:00You don't,
46:00you know,
46:01you don't twist open
46:02a Snapple
46:03and find a message
46:03on the top.
46:05It's like,
46:05hang up your jersey,
46:06you know.
46:09It's an awakening
46:10that happens.
46:11So I'll tell you guys
46:12what happened.
46:13I was
46:13sucking a dick.
46:17Surprise twist.
46:19No,
46:20I was,
46:20it wasn't a dick.
46:21I was sucking
46:21my husband's dick.
46:22It was a good
46:23Christian dick sucking.
46:24Okay?
46:28Just gobbling
46:29on my husband's cock
46:30as God intended
46:31for the Christians
46:34in the audience.
46:39And while I'm down there,
46:41okay,
46:42in the dark,
46:43doing this
46:45unpaid labor,
46:47I heard
46:52my husband's voice
46:53and he says
46:55to me,
46:57what's your goal
47:00right now?
47:13I thought God
47:14was talking to me.
47:15I was like,
47:17I had goals
47:19and none of them
47:21ended with
47:22sucking cock.
47:24So I think
47:25I fucked up.
47:27I mean,
47:27honestly,
47:28that is the kind
47:28of question
47:29you actively avoid
47:30asking yourself
47:31when you're
47:31sucking a dick.
47:33What are my goals?
47:36You don't think,
47:37you don't go there
47:39in your head.
47:40So when he asked me,
47:42I couldn't even
47:42get offended.
47:43I just answered it.
47:43I was like,
47:44I don't know.
47:45I was just
47:55going to hang out
47:55down here
47:56until you set me free.
48:03I don't want to be here.
48:04I've never wanted
48:09to be here a day
48:10in my life.
48:12Actually,
48:13yeah,
48:13this is a favor.
48:14I don't,
48:16I've never been
48:18in the mood
48:19to suck a dick.
48:21No woman
48:22ever has had
48:23like a hard day
48:25at work
48:25and on her way
48:29and on her way
48:29home been like,
48:30God,
48:31you know
48:31what I could go for?
48:37What would really
48:38take the edge off?
48:41Just like a warm
48:42teaspoon of cum
48:44in my eye.
48:46Yeah,
48:47if I could just go
48:47half blind
48:48for the week,
48:48that'd be nice.
48:49I mean,
48:54don't get me wrong,
48:54I'm not a monster.
48:55Like,
48:56I'll do it
48:56if I owe you
48:57an apology
48:57and I don't
48:58want to say sorry.
49:03That's...
49:03But that's not
49:05even selfless
49:06because it's like,
49:07that's the only thing
49:08that tastes worse
49:08than cum
49:09is the words
49:09I was wrong
49:10coming out of my mouth.
49:11You want to see me
49:16actually gag?
49:17So I just stopped,
49:20you know what I mean?
49:21Because there's women
49:22that are really good
49:22at sucking dick
49:23and it's a craft
49:24and they're good at it
49:26because they get paid.
49:30You've seen them, right?
49:31I mean,
49:31they're in there
49:32two-handed,
49:33just fucking...
49:35They're like
49:35washing machines,
49:36just fucking...
49:37And they're tickling balls
49:39and touching nipples
49:40and cracking open a beer
49:42and rubbing shoals.
49:43I'm like,
49:43how many...
49:43How many arms
49:45do you fucking have?
49:48It's like watching
49:49a cartoon fight.
49:54I need my arms.
49:55I'm not Ganesh, okay?
49:57I need my arms.
49:59I have to kickstand
50:00my whole body up
50:01when I'm sucking a dick.
50:06I'm using all my trap strength.
50:09I'm not multitasking,
50:10just pumping
50:11my whole upper body
50:12with just my neck
50:13like some kind
50:14of dick-sucking cobra.
50:16I can't...
50:17No.
50:21Matter of fact,
50:22I feel like
50:22if you need somebody
50:23to suck your dick
50:24with that level
50:25of neck strength,
50:27call a man.
50:32Yes.
50:33That's a man's job.
50:37It's like installing
50:38an AC unit.
50:39Like, get a task,
50:40grab it in here.
50:40I'm not doing
50:40that shit myself.
50:44You know what I should've done
50:45as much research on
50:47as I did for
50:47Sucking Dick
50:48is giving birth.
50:51I should've done...
50:52Maybe read one fucking book
50:54about that.
50:55I just, like,
50:56combed a Reddit thread
50:57and was like,
50:58I think we're set.
50:58So it kind of took me aback
51:03when I walked into
51:04the doctor's office
51:05and he was like,
51:05what's your birth plan?
51:07And I was like,
51:07oh, it's just to have you
51:08deliver
51:09the baby.
51:13I'm like,
51:13why am I a fucking
51:14part of this?
51:16You know what I mean?
51:16Only in women's medicine
51:18does a surgeon
51:19walk in the room
51:20and go,
51:21so how do you
51:21want to play this?
51:22Should you do
51:27your fucking homework?
51:28I'm like,
51:28what did your 12 years
51:29of medical school
51:30tell you to do?
51:31Let's play it that way.
51:33Asshole.
51:36So I had to,
51:37I had to pick
51:38a birth plan,
51:39which is a lot like
51:39designing your own
51:40car crash.
51:44And they ask you
51:45all kinds of
51:45dumb fucking questions.
51:47They were like,
51:47do you want us
51:48to dim the lights?
51:49Do you have
51:50a birth playlist?
51:51I was like,
51:52no, I'm not going to
51:52fuck you.
51:53I want you to
51:53deliver the child.
52:00My doctor goes,
52:01would you like to be
52:01present for the birth?
52:10Can I skip it?
52:12I'll fucking skip it
52:13if that's an option.
52:15Because that's just
52:16my way of asking
52:16if you'd like to be
52:17medicated or unmedicated.
52:20Well, say that.
52:21Okay, we're in a hospital,
52:24not the woods.
52:30And to answer your question,
52:31for sure medicated.
52:34Are people doing that?
52:35Like, what?
52:36I want medication.
52:37I want all the drugs
52:38you have in the drawers.
52:40And I want you to let me
52:41down real slow.
52:42so I can feel it.
52:46I want to have some fun.
52:48It's been a long time,
52:49this.
52:51Okay?
52:52I'm like,
52:53how about this?
52:53How about you give me
52:54a C-section?
52:55Do me a favor,
52:56put me out,
52:57throw that sheet up,
52:58and wake me up
52:58with the world's
52:59bloodiest puppet show.
53:00How's that sound?
53:04Let's make that the plan.
53:05Just tug on the cord
53:08and go,
53:08look what mommy made.
53:16And I have to say,
53:17I did,
53:17I wrote that joke
53:18before I had a C-section,
53:20and
53:20it is the most accurate thing
53:23I've ever,
53:24it ruined the first moment
53:28that I looked at my daughter.
53:29I saw her big,
53:31beautiful eyes,
53:31and I just went,
53:32oh, fuck,
53:32I nailed that.
53:36They presented her to me,
53:38you guys.
53:39They presented her to me,
53:40like the grossest
53:41bottle of wine.
53:42They were like,
53:43I was like,
53:52no thanks,
53:52I'm sober.
53:53You guys have been
53:54an amazing crowd.
53:55I love you.
53:57Thank you so much.
53:59Thank you,
53:59thank you,
54:00thank you.
54:01Oh my God.
54:11I have never been small.
54:15I have never been thin.
54:19I'm almost six feet tall.
54:23So tall I stretched my skin.
54:26I've got stories I could tell.
54:32Are you listening?
54:33Years I was unwell,
54:36crippling.
54:37Now I've built this shell,
54:40distancing myself from the outside.
54:46And I'm alive.
54:48I'm alive.
54:48I'm alive.
54:49I'm alive.
54:49I'm alive.
54:49I'm alive.
54:49I'm alive.
54:50I'm alive.
54:50I'm alive.
54:51I'm alive.
54:51I'm alive.
54:52I'm alive.
54:53I'm alive.
54:53I'm alive.
54:53I'm alive.
54:53I'm alive.
54:54I'm alive.
54:54I'm alive.
54:54I'm alive.
54:55I'm alive.
54:55I'm alive.
54:55I'm alive.
54:56I'm alive.
54:56I'm alive.
54:57I'm alive.
54:57I'm alive.
54:57I'm alive.
54:58I'm alive.
54:58I'm alive.
54:59I'm alive.
54:59I'm alive.
55:00I'm alive.