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FunTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
03:00Tonight we're going to camp out here at the barn.
03:22And tomorrow, we're going to turn it into a church.
03:25I thought this barn was haunted.
03:27The barn wasn't just haunted.
03:30It was actually a haunted house.
03:33The premier haunted house in the world.
03:36The world?
03:38The world.
03:39Well, what happened?
03:40You don't want to hear that.
03:43Come on, tell us.
03:44Well, all right.
03:47A group of gentlemen decided to go into the business of scary.
03:51And business was good.
03:53Sometimes they had to improvise.
03:55And sometimes went a little too far.
03:59Fuck it.
04:12Fuck it.
04:12Oh, fucking hate kids.
04:27You know how I describe having kids to friends that don't have them?
04:31How's that?
04:32Just walk up and I sneeze right in their mouth.
04:38Ladies and gentlemen of Haunted Pine Valley, we got a big night tonight.
04:42Do you know who the hell's out there to inspect our haunted house?
04:45Who?
04:45Joshua motherfucking Fredrickson.
04:49The Joshua Fredrickson?
04:51Yeah.
04:51Who the hell is that?
04:52Exactly.
04:53He's the guy that reviews your haunted house, right?
04:56He can make or break our season, gentlemen.
04:58We have got to scare the shit out of these people.
05:01So I'm invoking the Brown Bounty.
05:04How much?
05:05$100.
05:06So if I shit my pants, you'll give me $100?
05:10The Brown Bounty Challenge is the reward given to any haunter
05:14that can make any haunty crap their pants.
05:17If we got money for shitting ourselves, they'll be a millionaire.
05:20That is the wall of fame.
05:22I'm responsible for half those motherfuckers anyway.
05:24All right, gentlemen, we were born for this moment.
05:26It is in our blood.
05:28Hands together.
05:30H-P-V forever.
05:32Welcome to Haunted Pine Valley Farms.
05:34My name is Emily.
05:35I'm the owner of this establishment here.
05:38This, my friends, this is Brutus, my personal bodyguard.
05:41Now, let me make one thing clear.
05:44He's here for me, and not you.
05:47Now, just remember one thing before you leave my friends.
05:51Brutus, he stays with me.
05:56Always.
05:57So now if you look just right behind you and to your left,
06:00you'll find two exits, which you will need them.
06:04I assure you.
06:04They unleash everything they had.
06:08But that night, everyone was scared.
06:12God damn, I'm good.
06:14Oh, almost.
06:17These guys could scare anyone.
06:20But not today.
06:21Got nothing.
06:22Tag for your souls!
06:26Your souls!
06:28Souls, souls, souls.
06:31Shoots.
06:31You'll have to get creative.
06:40Pathetic.
06:41All right.
06:42Regroup.
06:42You did a hell of a job on the suitcase, buddy.
06:44That is not your fault.
06:45All right.
06:45I really like what you did with the shoe soap.
06:48I know.
06:48I thought maybe they'd go for humor.
06:49All right.
06:50All right.
06:50We got to up the ante.
06:52What are you thinking?
06:52Okay.
06:52Maybe, like, you guys corner the guy,
06:54and then I'll take the two girls
06:55and see if they're scared of commitment.
06:59I got an idea.
07:03This is going to take total commitment.
07:05You can do it.
07:06I've got nothing but faith in it.
07:08Whatever it is you got planned,
07:09I don't like it.
07:10This piece of human meat
07:11was the last son of a bitch
07:13who thought he was brave enough
07:15to make it past this room.
07:16Yeah.
07:17Want to see how we reward bravery in this town?
07:20No.
07:20No.
07:20No.
07:23No.
07:25No.
07:27Run.
07:28Help me.
07:29Run.
07:31Which one of you motherfuckers
07:32are still around?
07:33Help me.
07:34Riddle again.
07:37Come on.
07:39Aren't you fucking scared?
07:41God damn it.
07:42God damn it.
07:43You are not.
07:44Help me.
07:45That's not for real.
07:48God damn it.
07:51Save this damn time.
07:54Abraham.
07:55What?
07:55First off, Dale,
07:56I need to apologize.
07:59Me too.
08:00Me too.
08:00I'm sorry.
08:00You motherfuckers suck.
08:01I got carried away.
08:02They weren't scaring.
08:05So I think the only fair thing to do is
08:08on this day,
08:11you are the first man
08:12to earn his own brown bounty
08:15for self-shitting.
08:17Good man.
08:19Good man.
08:19All right.
08:20Cut the shit.
08:20You morons have got to have an idea.
08:23But we're out of ideas.
08:23We got an idea.
08:25Troy, Troy, Troy, no.
08:27No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:28The sheriff said if we use that one more time,
08:29we are closed down for good.
08:31Shut down.
08:31Get us over.
08:31We're going to be shut down anyway.
08:33We got to do it.
08:34We're bloodbath and beyond 2000.
08:39I can't believe it's come to this.
08:40May God have mercy on our souls.
08:45We've given you everything we got.
08:47Yeah.
08:47We didn't beat the shit out of our best friend, Dale.
08:50You are leaving us no choice.
08:52Welcome to hell.
08:53Oh, God, she's fainting.
09:02I think the blood scared her.
09:04Ma'am, you okay?
09:07Oh, fuck.
09:08People come to Isle dead.
09:10She don't understand me.
09:12Speak her language.
09:14Excuse me, ma'am.
09:16Senorita.
09:17Excuse me.
09:18Are you okay?
09:20She don't understand me.
09:22I'm not speaking her language.
09:22Excuse me, governor.
09:26Puppet.
09:28You need some tea?
09:37These guys were born for this business.
09:41But for the first time,
09:44they were being scared themselves.
09:52You look delicious.
09:56What?
09:57What?
10:05What am I going to do with you?
10:07Help me.
10:19Fucking hillbillies.
10:21They taste like Mountain Dew and racism.
10:23Is this really where you wanted to eat tonight?
10:25Please.
10:25Please.
10:27I recall when you made us go to Indiana.
10:30I believe I still have meth in my teeth.
10:32Oh.
10:33We should try Hispanics.
10:36Antonio and Marcus said they tasted like tequila and lime.
10:39Hispanics do?
10:40That's what they told me.
10:42Are we finished?
10:42Can we please get the hell out of this hee-haw-hell-hole?
10:48Gladly.
10:51Come on.
10:53Everything I'm telling you is true.
10:56Because I'm the last one that survived.
10:59No, he wouldn't.
11:06No, he wouldn't.
11:29I've been calling you for over an hour.
11:57Um, my ringer must be broken again.
12:00Will you please just get a cell phone already?
12:02This is insane.
12:04And let the shadow government control my thoughts.
12:07I don't think so.
12:10I'm kidding.
12:13The problem is, you're not.
12:15Can we please just go get some non-GMO, gluten-free, organic,
12:20hand-picked, mortar and pestle ground artesian water-based coffee?
12:26You're very funny, but I just need to check on one thing.
12:30Come on inside.
12:37I doubt that number's still valid.
12:40It says lifetime warranty.
12:42I'm still alive.
12:43It'd probably be easier for them to kill you than to get you a new phone.
12:47Besides, look, there's not even an area card in front of that number.
12:50Give me your phone.
12:52I want to call it.
12:53No.
12:54Have you even used a cell phone before?
12:56I'll make the call.
12:57All right.
12:58What's the phone number?
12:59Uh, 555-3845?
13:03Grubeck Telephone Limited replacement hotline.
13:07How can I help you, dear?
13:09Please don't hang up.
13:11This is the first call I've received in a decade.
13:14Uh, tie.
13:15Yeah.
13:16I would like a replacement telephone.
13:18It says I have a lifetime warranty.
13:20Oh, certainly, my dear.
13:21Grubeck Telephone Limited always honors lifetime warranties.
13:25Great.
13:26Uh, what do I need to do?
13:28We'll get one right out to you, green, red, or black.
13:31I would like...
13:32I would suggest red.
13:33Yeah, okay.
13:34Red.
13:35Sounds good.
13:36My address is...
13:37No need.
13:38Have a nice day, dear.
13:39Huh.
13:40She hung up.
13:55So are you still headed up to the desert?
14:06No.
14:07Rick bailed on me.
14:08Hmm.
14:09Do you want me to kill him for you?
14:10He deserves it, but that might be a little much.
14:14But you're saying he deserves it, though?
14:16Sure.
14:17Okay.
14:18So I will kill him for you.
14:20You don't really seem like much of a killer.
14:24Only to men who deserve it.
14:27I've got a whole list.
14:29Okay.
14:30I'm listening.
14:39You're being kind of creepy.
14:41Okay.
14:42You picked me up for this coffee date.
14:44You can at least pay attention.
14:45Oh, I'm sorry.
14:47It's just...
14:48I'm looking at all these idiots live-logging on Streaker.
14:51Here.
14:52Look at this guy.
14:53Hard pass.
14:54There's a reason I don't have one of those dumb things.
14:56What?
14:57Mind control.
14:58Okay.
14:59Mind control is a real issue, but the bigger problem is that I don't like being constantly
15:05reminded that there are so many narcissistic persons out there.
15:08Yeah.
15:09Yeah, okay.
15:10Yeah.
15:11Okay.
15:42I don't know.
16:12I don't know.
16:42I don't know.
17:12I don't know.
17:13I don't know.
17:14I don't know.
17:16I don't know.
17:17I don't know.
17:18I don't know.
17:19I don't know.
17:20I don't know.
17:21I don't know.
17:22I don't know.
17:23I don't know.
17:24I don't know.
17:25I don't know.
17:26I don't know.
17:27I don't know.
17:28I don't know.
17:29I don't know.
17:30I don't know.
17:31I don't know.
17:32I don't know.
17:33I don't know.
17:34I don't know.
17:35I don't know.
17:36I don't know.
17:37I don't know.
17:38I don't know.
17:39I don't know.
17:40I don't know.
17:41I don't know.
17:42I don't know.
17:43I don't know.
17:44I don't know.
17:45I don't know.
17:46I don't know.
17:47I don't know.
17:48I don't know.
17:49Any other names?
17:50Probably the fuck?
17:51I don't know.
17:52Really freaky happened.
17:54Somebody came up behind him and bashed him over the head.
17:57Is he okay?
17:58Apart from being dead.
17:59Yeah.
18:00He's fine.
18:01Holy shit.
18:02I, I know.
18:04I should be more upset but I don't know.
18:06It's really fucked up.
18:07Yeah.
18:08It hasn't really hit me yet.
18:09Fuck.
18:10I didn't know his bleed or something.
18:11I'll call you later.
18:13Oh, okay.
20:14All portable electronic devices must now be sent to your plate mode until arrive. Thank you.
21:50You have one unheard message.
22:18First unheard message.
22:21This message is for Kayla. Thank you for coming in to audition this week. Call me back to confirm your availability. We are looking to shoot the next couple of days.
22:29End of message.
24:15creativity that's within the fabric of the universe it when you get very proficient at something you start to make distinctions
24:45stop
24:52yes
24:55if
24:59you
25:10you
28:15Kasey Squires, Ben Burns, AJ, Kayla Martindale.
28:31Where are we?
28:32Who are you?
28:36Where's my wife, Saf?
28:41Attention citizens.
28:45You have been selected for a social experiment.
28:49You have 10 minutes or you will be locked inside.
28:53Your escape depends on one thing.
28:56Honesty.
28:57As long as one of you tells a lie.
28:59As long as one of you tells a lie, you all remain.
29:01Is that clear?
29:03The countdown has begun.
29:05Did that thing just say locked inside?
29:10Yeah.
29:11Yeah.
29:12Yeah.
29:13It did.
29:14Screw this.
29:15I'm out.
29:16That looks like a way out.
29:18Back up, kid.
29:19Let me show you how it's done.
29:20Don't call me a kid.
29:21Shit.
29:22It's like a shock collar.
29:23You're treating us like a bunch of...
29:25Experiments.
29:26Now your first question.
29:27When was the last time you broke up with someone?
29:44The voice and that's lie.
29:47Two years ago.
29:49Still together.
29:50The worst, two months?
29:52Can't break up with someone if you've never been together.
29:56Is that it? Can we go?
30:05One of you is lying.
30:07Son of a...
30:09It wasn't me? Come on. Who's lying?
30:13Fine, fine. I'm not divorced yet. I'm still trying to finalize the papers.
30:19You may proceed to the next room.
30:24Go.
30:26Go.
30:28Cinderella
30:29Colors
30:30The
30:44So
30:44Industrial
30:46Ether
30:47cloud
30:53Phone
30:53Phone
30:54Phone
30:56What is your greatest failure?
31:06Damn.
31:07I dropped out of my dream school.
31:15I stopped talking to my family.
31:18I'm too proud to tell them I need help.
31:22Where do I start?
31:24I married a nagging broad, should've invested when I should've.
31:29Jeez.
31:31I'm wasting my life.
31:34I hate my job.
31:37Panel after panel, roof after roof.
31:42It's a fucking waste.
31:45One of you is lying.
31:51What?
31:52You lied before.
31:54You would lie again.
31:55So would you.
31:56Tell the truth.
31:57We did.
31:58You spent some half-baked crap about marriage and money.
32:00Hurry up and tell the truth.
32:02Okay.
32:03I don't talk to my son, okay?
32:07One of you is still lying.
32:09Come on, man.
32:11We're gonna get trapped in here.
32:13Alright.
32:14My biggest failure is my son, okay?
32:15My son.
32:16Please proceed to the end of the experiment.
32:21I'm sorry.
32:22I'm sorry.
32:23I'm sorry.
32:24I'm sorry.
32:25I'm sorry.
32:26I'm sorry.
32:27I'm sorry.
32:28I'm sorry.
32:29I'm sorry.
32:30I'm sorry.
32:31I'm sorry.
32:32I'm sorry.
32:33I'm sorry.
32:34I'm sorry.
32:35I'm sorry.
32:36I'm sorry.
32:37I'm sorry.
32:38I'm sorry.
32:39I'm sorry.
32:40I'm sorry.
32:41I'm sorry.
32:42I'm sorry.
32:43I'm sorry.
32:44I'm sorry.
32:45I'm sorry.
32:46I'm sorry.
32:47Welcome to the Red Room. What was the last thing you did to help someone else?
32:57Well, I started charity for education awareness.
33:01Easy. I covered my roommates half of the rent.
33:04I gave my friend a ride of work?
33:07I gave someone the shirt off my back.
33:10Alright. Can we go now?
33:14Why is he doing that?
33:19Hey. Okay, okay.
33:22I thought all we had to do was tell the truth.
33:25In the last room, you did. In the Red Room, you make a decision.
33:30Based on their answers just now, who do you think did the least for their fellow man?
33:41This one right here.
33:42What? Why?
33:44It's just a shirt.
33:46It's my only shirt that I gave during winter. I slept in the cold.
33:51Ben.
33:53What? Why me?
33:55Education awareness? Come on.
33:58How much do you take home from that?
34:01Mock me how you like. You sleep in the cold and you drive your friend to work. No, carpool.
34:07I guess I'm a genius compared to you three.
34:10Please select one of you to stay behind while you proceed to the end of the experiment.
34:15What?
34:16Why me?
34:17Please proceed to the end of the experiment.
34:19Wait. Guys!
34:20No.
34:21You can't leave me here.
34:22Can't leave me here.
34:23No.
34:24No.
34:25No, no, no, no, no, no.
34:27No.
34:28No.
34:29No.
34:30No.
34:31No, no, no, no, no, no.
34:35No.
34:36No.
34:37No.
34:38No, no, no, no, no, no.
34:39No.
34:51No!
35:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
35:06No, no, no, no, no, no.
35:09No.
35:10No, no, no, no, no.
35:13The game isemeaking time in thevent in my city.
35:20This is fun.
41:55I mean, I don't believe in that stuff.
42:03You're right.
42:04I hope you're right.
42:09You're always right.
42:11I'll call you in the morning.
42:15I'll call you in the morning to check in.
42:16Bye.
42:41I'll call you in the morning.
43:11I'll call you in the morning.
43:41I'll call you in the morning.
44:11Hey, you're right.
44:18Hey, you're on your way.
44:41Elizabeth, hey, you're on your phone.
44:42Elizabeth, hey, you're on your phone.
44:48My mom said, I'll call you in the morning.
44:49My mom said, you're on your phone.
44:50My mom said that?
46:48Hey honey, hope you get a little late, pick a new lap, back in traffic.
47:06Go ahead and get your shoes on.
47:09How was ours party?
47:11Oh, I picked you up some tricks and salsa at the end of the call for you.
47:16Elizabeth?
47:18Elizabeth?
47:18Yeah.
47:19Okay.
47:19Okay.
47:20Okay.
47:21Okay.
47:22Okay.
47:23Okay.
47:54Hi, you've reached Giselle and Alana.
47:58We're not home right now, but leave us a message and we'll get back to you.
48:01Bye!
48:04Hey, sis.
48:06It's mom.
48:08She's in the hospital.
48:10She's not doing too well.
48:12She really needs to see you.
48:24She's in the hospital.
48:54She's in the hospital.
49:24She's in the hospital.
49:54Good evening, child. What are you doing out there? Here, take a seat and let me give you a ride.
50:18What's your precious young thing such as yourself doing out there? This is a dangerous place for hitchhiking.
50:24It's a dangerous place to pick up hitchhikers, too.
50:28I have the Lord to protect me.
50:33Well, we have quite a ways ahead of us. May I ask, where is it you're traveling to?
50:39Heading to Vancouver. I have an important meeting in the morning and I can't be late.
50:43And I shall get you there before you are missed.
50:47I can tell by the way you are dressed in how you present yourself. You have the ones that love you.
50:53I was forsaken at birth by my mother and raised by fathers who are no longer with us.
50:59What would your family say if they knew you were hitchhiking?
51:02As long as I get home safe.
51:05I'm sure they will miss...
51:07I mean, that they do miss you.
51:12It's funny how the world is. How God has set this path before me.
51:16You see, I have this... itch. An itch I can't control. I try to run away from it.
51:26But it just brings me to you. It reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog. Are you familiar with it?
51:32Yeah, I know the story. But what the fuck do you mean by itch? What are you implying here?
51:39Nothing, child. Nothing. But I have been tasked by God to purge the heretics of this world.
51:47And in exchange, he suppresses that itch.
51:52So, it has come time to ask, are you a God-fearing woman?
51:56I don't think that's any of your business, Father!
52:01My child, I am merely a vessel of God's work. My hands are His hands.
52:07Mm-hmm.
52:10Now, what's the worst thing you have ever done?
52:13Oh, what is this? A confessional?
52:17Oh, come now, my child. It surely can't be that serious.
52:21The confession washes sins clean from the soul.
52:24And no one likes a filthy girl!
52:30And the four angels were loose, which were placed upon the hour, and the month, and the day, and the year,
52:37For to slay the third part of man.
52:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
52:43Will you be ready for us, Judges?
52:44Yeah! I had a good word put in with him.
52:48all this talk has made me think of my days of my youth the days in the church and in the hands of
52:57my father's it is truly a pleasure to share the role of such young company anyone is young compared
53:05to you like respect your oldest we're gonna have to punish you like yes even at this age
53:16are you wearing perfume yeah why do you like it no perfume is for horse
53:34heretic
53:35I cleanse myself after the purge of heretics and whores you can receive so much more child
53:53so