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FunTranscript
00:00I love you, I love you.
00:30If a bucket of paint falls on a man's head, that's funny.
00:43If the bucket fractures his skull at the same time and kills him,
00:46that's not funny, it's tragic.
00:49And yet, if a man falls into a sausage machine
00:52and is sold in the shops at so much a pound,
00:54that's funny.
00:57It is also tragic.
00:58So why is it funny?
01:01I don't know.
01:03But what I do know is that somewhere within this very difficult area
01:06lies the secret of all black comedy.
01:09The play you're going to see now is one of those blackish comedies
01:13and thanks to the presence of two famous stars,
01:17it's come out a good deal funnier than I was ever able to make it on paper.
01:20Lady Turton, who ran her husband's newspaper empire as aggressively as she ran his house
01:31in Norfolk,
01:32didn't know that Sir Basil had invited an extra guest for the weekend,
01:36John Bannister.
01:37John Bannister.
01:49Gently!
01:50It's irreplaceable!
01:52My lady!
02:01What is going on?
02:03Basil!
02:04Basil!
02:04Have you gone out of your mind?
02:07Hello, my dear.
02:08What on earth is this tradesman's van doing at the front?
02:13My date is acquisition. It's quite wonderful.
02:16Basil, what will my guests think?
02:19Really Basil, you've no style. No style at all.
02:38This way.
02:53Here.
03:08There.
03:31Evening, jokes.
03:33Good evening, sir.
03:34Who else have we got for the weekend?
03:36Not the only one, sir. Yourself and Miss Carmen La Rosa,
03:39and a young friend of Sir Basil's, I believe, sir.
03:42The young chap blocking the drive.
03:44Really possibly, sir.
03:45Good looking, is he? Presentable.
03:47Bit of young blood.
03:49I've no idea, sir.
03:51You'll find Lady Turton in the library, sir.
03:54Send up my bags, will you?
03:55I'll change first.
04:09Ah, you made it. Good.
04:12Well, what do you think? She's just arrived.
04:13I like it.
04:14She looks better than when we saw her last in the sale room.
04:15Don't you think?
04:16No comparison.
04:17Oh, I realize I paid over the odds, but we couldn't let her go to Dusseldorf, could we?
04:19Anyway, I had to go.
04:20No comparison.
04:21No comparison.
04:22Anyway, I had to have her.
04:23She fills a real gap in my collection.
04:25I like the way he's treated.
04:26No comparison.
04:27No comparison.
04:28I have to go.
04:29Yes.
04:30No comparison.
04:31Yes.
04:32Yes, sir.
04:33I thought she was going to go to Dusseldorf.
04:34Yes.
04:35No comparison.
04:36Yes, sir.
04:37No comparison.
04:38Yes, sir.
04:39Yes, sir.
04:40Yes, sir.
04:42Let me take a look.
04:43No comparison.
04:44Yes, sir.
04:45I don't know.
04:46Yes, sir.
04:47Yes, sir.
04:48Yes, sir.
04:49Yes, sir.
04:50I like the way he's used the natural grain of the wood.
04:54Don't tell Lady Turton that. She hates what she calls art talk.
05:08Can't imagine what he was doing, young idiot.
05:11A young man in a sports car.
05:14Part his pedal car all over the drive.
05:17I blasted him with my horn.
05:23Jokes tells me he's Basil's guest.
05:28I say, does he ride?
05:31Oh, we'll have to see.
05:33If he's Basil's guest, he's bound to be a drip.
05:39Well now, I take that back.
05:43My dear, may I introduce John Bannister? We happen to meet at Sotheby's.
05:46Oh, Basil haunts that place.
05:48Every honest penny I earn, he spends on art. How do you do?
05:52How do you do, Lady Turton?
05:54Oh, Natalia, please.
05:56Basil, do get this presentable young man a drink.
05:59Come.
06:01Carmen John, Carmen La Rosa.
06:03How do you do?
06:04Are you horsey?
06:06Not really, no.
06:07Oh, then we won't have anything to say to each other.
06:10What do you do?
06:11I'm an art historian.
06:13Oh, my God, how awful for you.
06:16Joe, get me another martini.
06:18I've just met an art historian.
06:21Oh, I think you've met Jack, Major Haddock.
06:24In a way, yes.
06:26How do you do?
06:27Evening.
06:28Stupid place to leave a car.
06:29I was admiring the view.
06:32Thank we all.
06:35Basil, for God's sake, take our guest upstairs.
06:38I cannot stand tweeds after six.
06:41I can't wait to see you in a black tie.
06:59There's an admired view of the garden, sir.
07:12There's a bathroom in here.
07:17And a way of the flush, sir.
07:18It's quite powerful.
07:19Oh, thank you.
07:21Have dinner at 7.30, sir.
07:27Don't bother with fear.
07:28No bother, sir.
07:29That catch is rather tricky.
07:32I seem to have got the better of it, sir.
07:34Look, there's hardly anything to hang up.
07:36I just threw in a few things.
07:37Quite, sir.
07:38Just a weekend bag.
07:39Look, really, I'd rather you didn't, um...
07:42Do you play bridge, sir?
07:44Yes, sir.
07:45As a matter of fact, I do.
07:46Ah, well, then you'll be doubly welcome here, sir.
07:48Believe me.
07:49They play a lot of bridge, do they?
07:50Yes, sir.
07:51And poker.
07:52And gin rummy.
07:53But, sir, Basil prefers bridge.
07:55I see you favour the modern approach to evening dress, sir.
07:57What?
07:58Snap on, snap off.
08:03It's a bit creased.
08:05You laundered it yourself, sir?
08:06It's drip dry.
08:07Quite.
08:09I can't wear man-make fabrics myself.
08:12I find the static electricity it generates inconvenient.
08:16One tends to give off blue flashes in the dark.
08:18That will be all jokes.
08:19Oh, fine.
08:20But your pumps, sir.
08:21Pumps?
08:22Your evening footwear, sir, they may require polish, possibly.
08:25No.
08:26No, they're fine.
08:27Ready.
08:28Oh, well, sir.
08:29I'll just leave you to it, then.
08:30Ah, thank you.
08:32Thank you, sir.
08:37Yes, of course.
08:38I never accept emoluments, sir.
08:42No tips.
08:43If I might offer a little further advice, sir.
08:46Yes?
08:47It's simply that her ladyship does somewhat tend to overbid her hand.
08:51Thank you, jokes.
08:55Oh, one further point, sir.
08:57At dinner...
08:58Yes.
08:59...her ladyship's right foot doesn't always seem to know what her left foot is doing.
09:04That will be all jokes.
09:05I sincerely hope so, sir.
09:10So what exactly do you specialize in as an art historian?
09:15The Renaissance.
09:17Oh.
09:19Basil used to call me his Memling Madonna.
09:22But I always saw myself more like that.
09:27The telephone, milady.
09:29Oh, what a bore.
09:30Who is it?
09:31The editor of the Sunday Globe, milady.
09:33I am a slave to Basil's inheritance.
09:37Now his father.
09:38What a magnificent man he was.
09:40Basil.
09:42Wasn't your father a magnificent man?
09:44Yes, dear.
09:45Very forthright.
09:47Like you.
09:49Brilliant.
09:50Built an international newspaper empire out of the coarse fisherman's gazette.
09:54Such animal magnetism.
09:56Even on his deathbed.
09:58But does his son take after him?
10:00Well.
10:01The editor is waiting, milady.
10:03He needs to know how many nudes you require for the front page of the northern edition, milady.
10:08Thank you, jokes.
10:10I shall tell him to think big.
10:13Amazing woman one.
10:18One for the book, eh?
10:19Yes.
10:21Tell me, what do you think of Basil's art collection?
10:23A load of rubbish?
10:24Quite the reverse.
10:26Ah.
10:27I don't know what you chaps see in it.
10:28Well, for a start, it must be worth millions.
10:31Really?
10:33Well, that's put the fear of God into him.
10:38Oh, Basil.
10:39Haven't you finished eating yet?
10:41He is the slowest eater in the world.
10:44Nibble, nibble, nibble.
10:46Thank you, jokes.
10:48Till cooked the poached salmon was abominable.
10:50With pleasure, milady.
10:51I know how she values your opinion.
10:53Well, what's it to be tonight?
10:54Gin rummy?
10:55Liardyce?
10:56Strip poker?
10:57Ha, ha, ha.
10:58Bridge.
10:59One spade.
11:00Three clubs.
11:01Three hearts.
11:02No bid.
11:03Three no-trumps.
11:04No bid.
11:05No bid.
11:06No bid.
11:07No bid.
11:08No bid.
11:09No bid.
11:10No bid.
11:11No bid.
11:13No bid.
11:15No bid.
11:16No bid.
11:17No bid.
11:18No bid.
11:19No bid.
11:20No bid.
11:21No bid.
11:22No bid.
11:23No bid.
11:24Must you always bid three no-trumps, Basil.
11:27It makes the game so dull.
11:29So un-adventurous.
11:30Not if one wins, dear.
11:36What's the idea, man.
11:37I didn't ask for another scotch.
11:39No, sir, but as things are looking you may well need one, sir.
11:43Are you still losing?
11:50May I enquire the score, sir?
11:51sir no you may not in fact jokes you can go to bed this is our last hand very good my lady mr
12:00bannister and i are 1200 up jokes i'm pretty great about it good night sir no go it's all yours
12:12we overbid natalia i've told you before oh jack no post-mortems you know i can't stand post-mortems
12:18basil since winnings obviously worn you out i suggest you go to bed too i'm rather tired dear
12:29we'll settle in the morning
12:48as a house guest mr bannister you leave a lot to be desired do i
13:05beating your hostess at bridge jack's furious and then locking your door
13:09such ingratitude besides i have a key to every bedroom in this house all 47 of them
13:2247
13:26striped pajamas i'm cold-blooded oh
13:31oh and a bow how sweet how old-fashioned
13:42just uh think of this as your bread and butter letter darling written in a box
13:48word of jolks
13:57forgive me milady i thought i heard an intruder
14:00you are the intruder jacks could i be of any service to you sir
14:05um no i'm going hearing strange sounds i took the precaution of alerting sir basil milady
14:13As a butler, Jokes, you'd make a perfect babyminder.
14:22I hope I've been of some service, sir.
14:24I suppose so, yes.
14:26If I might suggest it, a chair braced firmly under the doorknob is quite the best deterrent.
14:31Her ladyship has been known to sleepwalk before dawn.
14:35Good night, Jokes.
14:36Good night, sir.
14:43Good night.
15:09When my father died, I was taken rather by surprise.
15:13Up until then, I'd lived a very quiet bachelor life.
15:16And suddenly, at 40, I seemed to become enormously eligible.
15:21Young ladies appeared from nowhere.
15:25Oh, I bought that head last March.
15:27A frink?
15:28Yes.
15:30And then Natalia appeared and literally slipped me off my feet.
15:34All the others were rather miffed.
15:36She is very striking.
15:38Oh, and a wonderful head for business.
15:40Though, I must say she has rather changed the tone of our various publications.
15:44But the cash does roll in.
15:48Who is for a gallop?
15:50We're coming!
15:52Jack!
15:53Let's go!
15:54Here!
15:55Let's go!
16:06Did you sleep well last night?
16:08Yes, eventually.
16:10Jokes told me he thought he heard an intruder.
16:14False alarm.
16:15Quite.
16:16Jokes is very loyal.
16:18You blew my feet!
16:19You are impatient!
16:20Oh!
16:21Oh!
16:22Oh, I love this place.
16:23Every inch.
16:24Oh, yoinksy, yoinksy, yoinksy, yoinksy!
16:50Oh, look.
16:51That's very good.
16:55Tally-ho!
16:57Shall we go down?
16:59It's very pleasant here.
17:07Oh, yes, brilliant, just like those things at the seaside.
17:12How is it?
17:13Oh, it's bloody marvellous.
17:17Idiot.
17:18Got you.
17:20How now, my proud beauty.
17:28Natalia finds everything so amusing.
17:32Jack, I'm stuck.
17:35It can't be.
17:37I am.
17:38Oh, rubbish. What goes in must come what...
17:40Jack!
17:41Do something.
17:43Oh, flatten your ears back.
17:45I am not a horse, dammit!
17:48Oh, dear.
17:50Ow!
17:51Ow!
17:52Ah!
17:53Ah!
17:54Ow!
17:55What is it?
17:56Ow!
17:57Natalia's stuck.
17:58Huh?
17:59Well, we'll get something quickly.
18:00Butter.
18:01Lard.
18:02Anything.
18:04I got my fist stuck in a jar of boiled sweets once.
18:08Couldn't get it out.
18:09Finally, I broke the jar with a hammer and told my mother it fell off the shelf by mistake.
18:15Ow!
18:16I suppose we ought to help, really.
18:18Jack!
18:19Stop it!
18:20I suppose so, yes.
18:21Right.
18:22A cigarette?
18:23Virginia this side, Turkish that.
18:24I don't, thank you.
18:25I do.
18:26I do.
18:27I think a Turkish.
18:28Ah!
18:29Oh!
18:30What are you doing?
18:31Better take the jacket off.
18:32Oh!
18:33Ah!
18:34Ah!
18:35Ah!
18:36Ah!
18:37Ah!
18:38Ah!
18:39What are you doing?
18:40Better take the jacket off.
18:41Ah!
18:42Ah!
18:43Ah!
18:44Ah!
18:45Ah!
18:46Ah!
18:47Ah!
18:48Ah!
18:49Ah!
18:50Ah!
18:51Ah!
18:52Ah!
18:53Ah!
18:54Ah!
18:55Ah!
18:56Ah!
18:57Ah!
18:58Ah!
18:59Ah!
19:00Ah!
19:01Ah!
19:02Ah!
19:03Ah!
19:04Ah!
19:05Ah!
19:06Ah!
19:07It's not funny.
19:08Ah!
19:09No.
19:10Well, we'll just have to wait for Carmen.
19:14Oh, God.
19:15Now, look who's here.
19:17Ah!
19:18Basil!
19:19Get me out of here!
19:22What's the matter, dear?
19:24Isn't it obvious?
19:25Stuck her head through the blasted hole.
19:27Can't get it out.
19:29How or?
19:30Ah!
19:31Just for a lark.
19:32You know.
19:33Quite.
19:34A bit of fun, as it were.
19:36Basil, don't be such a damn fool!
19:39Well, it's pretty obvious.
19:41We'll just have to break up this, um, lump of wood.
19:44Surely not.
19:45No petroleum jelly should do the trick.
19:48Ah!
19:49You've thought of it already.
19:53Allow me.
19:54Good.
19:55Oh, you're not going to smother me in that much.
19:58Basil!
19:59Keep still, dear.
20:00Oh!
20:01No!
20:02Oh!
20:03Oh, Basil!
20:05Oh, it's revolting!
20:07So, can't hurt, dear, if anything.
20:10Oh!
20:11Oh!
20:12Oh!
20:13Oh!
20:14Oh!
20:15Oh!
20:16Oh!
20:17That's right, on the ears.
20:18Oh!
20:19Oh!
20:20Oh!
20:21Oh!
20:22Oh!
20:23Oh, how dare you!
20:24Oh!
20:25Oh!
20:26This is so humiliating!
20:27Oh, Basil!
20:28Oh!
20:29Look at you!
20:30You are enjoying this, aren't you?
20:32You beastly little rabbit of a man!
20:36Oh!
20:37I reckon my old furrow would get her, eh?
20:39What can tackle?
20:40That's the answer.
20:41Poor madam.
20:43Try now.
20:44A good, strong pull from the hips.
20:47Oh!
20:48Oh!
20:49Oh!
20:50I must look ghastly!
20:52Oh!
20:53Oh!
20:54Oh!
20:55Snow cow!
20:56Oh!
20:57We must straighten her out.
20:58You take the left leg.
20:59You two!
21:00Come on!
21:01Now.
21:02You take the left.
21:03That's right.
21:04Both of you.
21:05That's right.
21:06Up.
21:07Now.
21:08Ready.
21:09Steady.
21:10Go!
21:11Ah!
21:12Put me down!
21:22You!
21:23Hit my husband for me!
21:24I'm sure he's doing his best, Lady Turton.
21:25Ah!
21:26Traitor!
21:27Ah!
21:28Ah!
21:29No!
21:30Perhaps we should call the fire again.
21:31Oh!
21:32And have them see me looking like this!
21:33Ah!
21:34Jokes!
21:35An unusual occurrence, sir.
21:36Quite.
21:37I presume it is the ears that are the main obstructions, though.
21:38Could well be.
21:39They do tend to swell in moments of excitement.
21:40Jokes!
21:41My lady?
21:42Please!
21:43Do so.
21:44Do so.
21:45Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:47Oh!
21:48Oh!
21:49Oh!
21:50Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:52Oh!
21:53Oh!
21:54Oh!
21:55Oh!
21:56Oh!
21:57Oh!
21:58Oh!
21:59Oh!
22:00Oh!
22:01Oh!
22:02Lady!
22:03Please!
22:04Do something constructive.
22:05We are considering ways and means, mean lady.
22:10Ah!
22:11I said so!
22:12Chop the damn thing up.
22:13Chop up a masterpiece.
22:15No question, man!
22:17All right, Batan, come on!
22:21Get on with it!
22:22Uh!
22:23Well, my ladyship is right, sir.
22:24No time like the present, I always say.
22:25The saw or the axe, sir.
22:28Oh, my God.
22:58Oh, my God.
23:28Oh, my God.
23:58Oh, my God.