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00:00I just want to say that I come into this practice, this art, this service in love and kindness
00:10with a mission to make some more niceness in this world.
00:17So this next song, if there's any part of it that upsets, offends, or makes you feel a way,
00:26I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I meant every word.
00:41The world, according to your mom, doing the washing.
00:49Capitalism, your mom does the washing, you pay her a dollar.
00:53You get her to do your mate's washing, your mate pays you $50.
00:57Communism, your mom does the washing, you do the washing.
01:01Every night she salutes a picture of your dad.
01:05Socialism, your mom does the washing, you do the cooking.
01:10Everyone is happy, in theory.
01:13Feudalism, your mom does the washing and pays you tax.
01:18Colonialism, you barge into your mom's room, claim you discovered your mom's room,
01:26don't pour your dirty clothes on the floor.
01:29Fascism, your mom does the washing and you are obsessed with her nose.
01:37Liberalism, you watch your mom do the washing and you feel really, really bad.
01:41Something must be done, you see.
01:43Something may or may not get done.
01:44Libertarianism, your mom does the washing.
01:49You believe you did the washing.
01:53Religion, your mom does the washing, you thank God.
01:57Atheism, your mom does the washing.
02:00You make a 12-part YouTube video demanding peer-reviewed evidence that she did, in fact, do the washing.
02:06Zionism, you shoved your mom into the washing machine and the spinning made her dizzy and the dizziness made her vomit.
02:13And you point to that vomit and go, aha, that's anti-Semitism.
02:18Americanism, your mom does the washing.
02:21It's in the Constitution.
02:23End of discussion.
02:25Mansplaining.
02:26Your mom does the washing.
02:27You tell her how best to do the washing.
02:30You have never done the washing.
02:33Same-sex marriage.
02:35Your mom's do the washing.
02:37Patriarchy.
02:38Your mom doesn't exist.
02:40The washing is mysteriously done.
02:41Turfism.
02:43Your mom doesn't want your other mom doing the washing because of genitals and stuff.
02:49Polling.
02:49There is a 70% chance you do the washing on Saturday night.
02:53Come Sunday morning, it was 100% done by your mom.
02:57Africanism.
02:59You go to Benny's house.
03:00Benny's mom does the washing.
03:02You ask your mom, why don't you do the washing?
03:04You do not survive the night.
03:06Feminism.
03:07Your mom insists you grow up and do your own washing.
03:15White feminism.
03:17Your mom hired a woman of color to do the washing.
03:19Male feminism.
03:22That one time I did the washing.
03:24I told everybody I did the washing.
03:25I blogged about it.
03:26I bragged about it.
03:27Took a selfie.
03:28Insta story.
03:29Went on Oprah.
03:30Won an Oscar.
03:31Went on Fortnite.
03:32Did a dance.
03:34I am an ally.
03:36Hashtag me too.
03:38Egalitarianism.
03:39That one time I did the washing is proof everything is equal.
03:42No one needs feminism anymore.
03:45Hip-hop.
03:46Every day I'm hustling.
03:48Every day I'm hustling.
03:48And when I bring the basket, mama puts the washing in.
03:52And narcissism.
03:54You look good.
03:55In the clothes your mom washed.
03:57And surrealism.
03:59The washing does your mom.
04:00Hold tight all the moms.
04:14Single moms.
04:16But not the dads.
04:22See, I can say that because I'm a dad.
04:23So, I can diss myself, right?
04:27So, if you're a dad and you feel the ways I meant it, do better.
04:30And now, a public service announcement.
04:42Stay cool.
04:45Learn to swim.
04:46I only started learning last year.
04:50And now, I am 42.
04:53And if you already know how to swim, good for you.
04:57This is for all the people behind you.
05:02Stay cool.
05:05Learn to swim.
05:07Nah, babe.
05:08You're not too heavy.
05:10Your bones are not too dense.
05:13Pennywise was right.
05:14But, in the end, everyone floats.
05:19Stay cool.
05:21Learn to swim.
05:23Your skin will thank you.
05:25Your mind will thank you.
05:27And if there's blood in the water, sharks will thank you.
05:31Do not swim in the River Thames.
05:33Nobody asks you to do that.
05:35Some things will always be true.
05:39The sun always sets in the west.
05:41Right now, we'll always be as good as it gets.
05:44Romeo and Juliet is tragic.
05:48Time is wasted on worry.
05:51And every one of us is made of pure, unadulterated magic.
05:56Except for Elon Musk.
05:59Trans rights is human rights.
06:01Palestinian rights is human rights.
06:04Some things by now should be a given.
06:06It looks worse when it's online.
06:10Facebook is not researched no matter the number of hours you spent on it.
06:13There are no solutions at the bottom of a doom scroll.
06:16And you are never at your best when you are looking at someone else's highlight reel.
06:21Time heals all wounds and makes new ones.
06:26But a hot shower will cure 99% of bad vibes.
06:29Trust me.
06:30You should be nice to yourself.
06:33You should be nice to people.
06:35Except for Nazis.
06:37No one should ever be nice to Nazis.
06:39There are so many ways to be yourself.
06:42Just don't get lost to the options.
06:45All the paper straws in the world won't save a single ball of beer.
06:47But making Amazon pay their proper taxes could.
06:50And all of your idols will let you down.
06:54Except for Keanu Reeves.
06:57Because Keanu Reeves is perfect.
07:00You don't have to like Pink Floyd.
07:02You don't have to like Prince.
07:05None of it is by force.
07:07And every elder is a village.
07:09Or some villages are full of racists and I will have to visit.
07:12Protect your peace.
07:15Cherish your joints.
07:16Eat your fruits and vegetables and mind your own business.
07:20Do not be afraid to dress like an idiot at least once in your life.
07:24Embrace your cringe.
07:26Embrace your cringe.
07:28New York is nice.
07:30But everyone should come to London City.
07:35If they won't let you join a union, start a mafia.
07:38The means you cannot seize, you should steal.
07:42And if you love doing a thing, and you know her in anyone else or yourself, do the thing.
07:47Don't let anybody stop you doing the thing.
07:50If you love shoplifting from department stores, do the thing.
07:53Department stores are not people.
07:56Sometimes the answer is to sleep on it.
07:58Sometimes you need to face it head on.
08:00And sometimes it's scary at your head.
08:02And when you stop running, you realize the monster was a shadow all along.
08:07And your heart will be broken.
08:10And you will break hearts.
08:11And when the dust settles in your spirit, do not forget to forgive yourself.
08:16Call all the friends you've fallen out with.
08:18Tell them you missed them.
08:20Dying right is overrated.
08:23But that does not mean you should down the bottom of my law and text your former lovers.
08:26Nothing could come from that.
08:27Recognize the difference between alone and lonely.
08:31More often than not, you won't resolve all the loose ends in your life.
08:35You are not that kind of movie.
08:38You're more a rambling soap opera that will eventually run out of budget.
08:41And I hope you get old.
08:45I hope when you get old, compassion is cool again.
08:48And if you're lucky, one day you will wake up and you will be out of the zeitgeist side.
08:54And you won't recognize the music.
08:57And you'd rather go to bed at ten o'clock.
08:59And your pleasures will be gentler, your movements slower, your goalposts shifted, your former burdens slightly lifted.
09:09And that will be okay because it happens to the best of us and the rest of us.
09:18Maybe by then, London, maybe by then you'd have stayed cool.
09:25And maybe by then you could do something else with your life, like learn to swim.
09:39And you could do something else with your life, like learn to swim.