Part 5 of 6 of the children's drama from 1990. Billy tries to tell his family about the mysterious Alphonso Bonzo, but they are sceptical. That is until Alphonso turns up unexpectedly at the house and proceeds to ingratiate himself into the family, while turning his attention to Billy's teenage sister Linda. And when Alphonso uses his powers to meddle with the television set, he offers to bring over his own TV set as a replacement. But his Milanese TV set has some very peculiar side effects, which Billy is soon to discover. Final episode hopefully tomorrow.
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:29I still don't know whether to believe you or not.
00:40I mean, if all that was true about Alfonso Bonzo,
00:44you'd be rich and famous by now, wouldn't you?
00:46Why?
00:47Well, if someone had taught my dog to talk,
00:50I'd be so famous I'd have my own show on TV.
00:56Trevor Trotman and his talking dog.
00:59Yeah.
01:00Yeah, I'd open supermarkets and have streets named after me, I would.
01:05Well, I don't fancy opening supermarkets and having streets named after me.
01:09But you turned down the chance of having a talking dog.
01:13I find that very hard to credit.
01:15I just liked him the way he was.
01:17Not as if he said anything special anyway.
01:19Just where's my tea and stuff like that.
01:22I had this feeling things were getting a bit out of control.
01:25I mean, I like a good swap,
01:27but at Alfonso Bonzo, he went too far.
01:30He'd drop anything.
01:31I wanted things to get back to normal.
01:33So what did you do?
01:34Well, I decided I'd have to tell Mum, Dad and Linda after all.
01:38Not that that turned out to be much worse.
01:40Well, that was a very good story, that Bill.
01:45Very imaginative.
01:47But speaking for myself, I shall believe this Alfonso Bonzo when I see him.
01:51He probably won't, no.
01:53Don't think he'll be coming back now.
01:54No, that's what I thought.
01:55I wasn't making it up.
01:56No.
01:57But you tell me if he does turn up and you can have 50p.
02:01Right.
02:02I'm going to watch the snooker now.
02:04I wouldn't mind seeing that Alfonso Bonzo.
02:07I'd have a few words to say to him.
02:10I'd ask him who he thinks he is,
02:11going round confusing other people's dogs.
02:14Look at poor Fred there.
02:16He still doesn't look himself.
02:18He's been really upset that dog has.
02:19But it isn't right.
02:21Mum, Billy was just having you on.
02:23Fred wasn't really talking.
02:25What was he doing then?
02:26I wasn't having you on, Mum.
02:27Honest.
02:28Yeah.
02:29Just trying to wind us all up.
02:30And he's still doing it.
02:32Well, how did poor old Fred get all dressed up like that then?
02:35Don't think you went down the shops and bought that red jacket, do you?
02:39That'd probably be Billy or one of his mates.
02:41What about him talking then?
02:42I don't know.
02:43Maybe the budgie's a ventriloquist.
02:45Ha, ha.
02:46What's he like, Billy?
02:47Billy, this Italian mate of yours.
02:50He's a bit hard to describe.
02:52Sort of weird, I suppose.
02:54How old is he?
02:55I don't know.
02:56Older than you, though.
02:57Oh, yeah.
02:58Much older.
02:59Older than her.
03:00Well, I don't like the sound of this at all.
03:03Next time he comes, if he comes,
03:05you tell him I want a word with him
03:07and your dad wants a word with him.
03:09And no more swaps, all right?
03:11Time you were growing out of that.
03:13All right, Billy?
03:15Yes.
03:16I'll go.
03:16That's probably Chrissie.
03:17Oh, don't look at me like that.
03:23It's not my fault.
03:26Mum, Billy, it's him.
03:28Oh, well, don't be silly, Linda.
03:29Show him in.
03:31Oh, not in here.
03:32In the...
03:32Oh, evening.
03:34Eh, arrivato Alfonso.
03:36I hope you don't mind.
03:38How do you do Alfonso Bonzo, my name?
03:42Um, just a little social call.
03:44Oh, no.
03:45It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Bonzo.
03:49Oh, we've heard a lot about you.
03:51Um, Billy's dad's in the other room looking at the snooker.
03:54Um, perhaps you'd like to...
03:55Oh, maybe you'd rather...
03:57No, it's nice here in the kitchen with the beautiful smells.
04:01Reminds me of home.
04:02Oh.
04:03Yes, it's very nice here, I think.
04:10It was all wrong.
04:11My mum was supposed to be giving her a piece of her mind.
04:14But she just went all pink and giggly.
04:16As if it was a film star or royalty or something.
04:19It was terrible.
04:21It was like it was trying to take us all over.
04:23Oh, exactly.
04:25But it was, you know, very nice of it.
04:29But I interrupt your meal.
04:31I am desolate.
04:33Please continue.
04:34Don't mind Alfonso Bonzo.
04:36It's all right, really.
04:36We'd all finished eating.
04:38Oh, but I see you still have three beautiful bacon sandwiches left.
04:43Brilliant aroma.
04:45You are one icy cook, Mrs. Webb.
04:47Oh, no, honestly.
04:48Would you like one?
04:50I'm afraid they're a bit cold now.
04:52For me?
04:53Really?
04:54You mean it?
04:56Alfonso Bonzo love a bacon butty.
05:04Magnifico.
05:05My mum in Milano would be so proud to make such a bacon sandwich.
05:11You are one very lucky boy, Billy Webb.
05:13Oh, have another, Mr. Bonzo.
05:15Alfonso, please.
05:17You permit.
05:18I am so happy.
05:20Well, what's it like, then, being an exchange student?
05:23Well, it's very exciting for me, you know, seeing all the new places, meeting all the interesting
05:29new people, clever boys like your brother, Billy Webb here, fine British dogs like Caro
05:34Alfredo, but also sometimes I am lonely, and I think how I would like someone to love, like
05:43a beautiful, kind sister.
05:45Oh, yeah?
05:46Yes, I wish this very much.
05:48Alfonso.
05:49Yes, Billy Webb.
05:51Bring your sandwich food to the living room.
05:52I want you to meet my dad.
05:53But, of course, maybe we all go.
06:07Forty-eight.
06:10Dad, this is Alfonso Bonzo.
06:12Oh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Bonzo.
06:15I, too, am very happy.
06:18What's that?
06:19Fifty pence.
06:20Who what?
06:22Oh, yeah, sure.
06:25Snooker.
06:25Ah?
06:26It's the world championships.
06:27Are you interested in Snooker, Mr. Bonzo?
06:29No, no, I know very little of this game.
06:31In Italia, you sold a football, a cycli racing, you know?
06:34Oh, I think Snooker's the most boring game in the world.
06:37No, it isn't.
06:38It's brilliant.
06:38It's a bit of excessive frame.
06:39His luckless opponent will literally have to come back from the dead
06:43to stand any chance of victory here tonight.
06:46And, uh, now we have a short pause as he asks the referee to clean the cue ball again
06:53for the fifth time in this break.
07:01Oh, it's a shame.
07:02What's happened here?
07:03It's gone off.
07:04It's right in the middle of the final.
07:07What a sausage.
07:08Hey, Mr. Webb, maybe I fix you that telly.
07:11Alfonso Bonzo, one brilliant boy with a TV set.
07:13Acey mechanic.
07:14No messing about.
07:15What, it'd be great if you could, son.
07:17Oh, let's have a look back here.
07:21Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
07:23Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Webster.
07:26This one very sick TV set you got here.
07:28You got a big tube trouble inside.
07:30Major operation indicated.
07:32For that, I have to take away, bring back.
07:34So sorry.
07:35Oh, dear.
07:36And they got Jewel at Passion Creek on the late night movie.
07:39Rock Savage.
07:40Oh, I'm so sorry.
07:42This TV is so sick.
07:44It'd take a whole day, maybe more, to cure him.
07:47Hey, I got it.
07:49I do you small exchange.
07:52What?
07:52I take this TV set, bring it back tomorrow, good as new.
07:55And for tonight, I bring you Alfonso Bonzo's TV set.
07:59Very nice picture.
08:01How you like that?
08:02Sounds all right to me.
08:04What if you're sure?
08:05Well, thanks very much, Mr. Bonzo.
08:07Alfonso, please.
08:08But it's such a lot of trouble for you, Alfonso.
08:11Oh, it's no trouble at all.
08:14To do this for you is my pleasure.
08:17Oh, but what about you?
08:19Won't you want yours?
08:20No, I think maybe tonight I don't watch TV.
08:23I think maybe tonight I go dancing.
08:27Now, I fetch it five minutes only.
08:29I go.
08:30I come back.
08:31Arrivederci.
08:32I thought you said no more swaps.
08:38Don't be silly, Bill.
08:39This is quite different.
08:40He's doing us a favour, isn't he?
08:43And I'd really hate to miss Jewel at Passion Creek.
08:45I wonder where he goes dancing.
08:47You don't fancy him, do you?
08:49Fancy him?
08:50No.
08:51I just thought, well, I've never seen him at any of the discos.
08:54It looks dead funny dancing.
08:55Couldn't believe those trousers.
08:57She fancies him.
08:58I do not fancy him.
08:59I wouldn't be seen dead with him.
09:01I don't fancy mad hippies.
09:02She does.
09:03My sister fancies mad hippies.
09:05Spot street boy speaks a family show.
09:07Oh, shut up, will you?
09:09Gosh, that was quick.
09:14And look at that.
09:15More like a wardrobe than a telly.
09:20He's a little over the fashion this TV set,
09:22but I think you'll find he work all right.
09:29Take a little patience, you know.
09:30Take a little time to warm up.
09:32Soon be okay, I think.
09:33Hey, Alfonso.
09:34Si.
09:35Haven't you forgotten something?
09:37No, I don't think.
09:38I think you have.
09:41Now I think the picture coming.
09:44It's a good, si.
09:47It was a brilliant picture.
09:49Best I'd ever seen.
09:50And he'd never even plugged it in.
09:52You know what?
09:53I think that set was running on Billy Webb.
09:55Please, don't tell me.
09:58Extraterrestrial power.
09:59So, what happened next?
10:03Well, nothing amazing.
10:05Not straight away.
10:06My dad sat down and watched the snooker again.
10:08Linda and me went into the kitchen to do the washing up.
10:11And Alfonso started his private conversation with mum in the passage.
10:15Made me feel funny, that.
10:17He seemed to be getting into too many things.
10:19Still, nothing I could do about it.
10:22Hey, Linda, how you like to come dancing with Alfonso Bonzo tonight?
10:26I asked your mama and she say, okay, if you want to come with me and I get you home by midnight.
10:32So, what do you say, eh?
10:33No, thanks.
10:34I'm washing my hair tonight.
10:36But your hair is beautiful.
10:38What's the matter?
10:39You don't like dancing?
10:40Of course I like dancing.
10:41You don't like Alfonso Bonzo.
10:43You're all right.
10:44So, what's the problem?
10:46Well, it's your gear, if you want to know.
10:48Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but you did ask.
10:51My gear?
10:52I don't understand.
10:53My little van not very smart, but she got four forward gear, one reverse gear.
10:57All working very well.
10:58No problem.
10:59No, I mean your clothes, what you're wearing.
11:02I just, well, I couldn't go out with anybody dressed like that.
11:05Ah, capisco.
11:07You don't want to make a spectacular dancing with a mad hippie man.
11:11No problem.
11:12These are, what you call, my gear.
11:15These are just my working uniform, you know.
11:17When I come and call for you, you see me in nice dancing clothes.
11:22Easy, brilliant disco gear.
11:24You'll be proud of me, I promise.
11:26So, okay?
11:27You don't give up easy, do you?
11:29I don't want anything weird, okay?
11:31Nothing weird.
11:32Alfonso Bonzo blended to the background.
11:35Can't exactly see that happening.
11:36So, eight o'clock, I go, I come back, and we have one brilliant time.
11:41Arrivederci.
11:44I thought you said you didn't fancy him.
11:46Who said I did fancy him?
11:48What are you going out of him for?
11:49None of your business.
11:51Well, I don't get it.
11:52That's because you're just a little boy.
11:54Oh, wrap up!
11:55Anyway, I think it's all fine when you're going out with girls and stuff.
11:58You'll find out.
11:59Bloody hell, I'm going to find out.
12:01If everyone keeps on telling me to mind me own business all the time.
12:04People find out for themselves, mostly.
12:06Who's that girl you like in school?
12:08Pretty something?
12:09I didn't say I liked her.
12:10I just said cheers in white clothes.
12:11All right, you don't have to yell.
12:13All I thought was, well, why don't you ask her to go out with you?
12:16And then you can find out what it's like going out with girls.
12:18You might really, really like it.
12:21You must be joking!
12:31He's a nice bloke, that Alfonso.
12:34When you get used to him, like.
12:3973 to Thorpe.
12:43And the frame conceded.
12:45Oh, well, that looks like it.
12:47Thunderbolt's really going his ends tonight.
12:49And there we end our early evening coverage of the World Snooper Championships.
12:54We'll be back again for the final session this evening.
12:57But now it's over to the newsroom for the latest bulletin.
13:01I'll turn that down, would you please, Bill?
13:04It's always the same, the newsies.
13:06Always depressing.
13:07How do you feel about that killer whale biting off your leg, Mr. Parkinson?
13:13Oh, terrific, thanks.
13:14I was always expecting something like that to happen.
13:17And now sport.
13:19As England crashed 7-0 to the semi-pros from Sarawak.
13:23It's terrible.
13:24I hate news.
13:25You know what Scott Barnacle's dad told Scott and me about the news?
13:28What?
13:29Well, what he said was,
13:31because it's so hot in those studios,
13:33with all the big lights and things,
13:35all those newsreaders, you know,
13:36Nicholas Witch Hazel and all,
13:38they only wear the top half of their suits,
13:40otherwise they'd faint with the heat.
13:42I mean, look.
13:43Look at him.
13:44He could easily have no trousers on behind that desk, couldn't he?
13:46Yes.
13:49Yeah, I suppose he could.
13:52Nah, nah, they're too proud to go round in their underpants,
13:55aren't they, these newsreaders?
13:57You know, it's a nice fault, Bill,
13:59but it couldn't happen, could it?
14:00Anyway, how would you prove it?
14:02I don't know.
14:03Right, I'm going down the pub for half hour.
14:05Beep, beep, beep.
14:06I'll see ya.
14:08Yeah.
14:16Pay claim.
14:28Teachers unions are contemplating further industrial action
14:31following rejection of their latest pay claim.
14:34Full-scale strikes are said to be a strong possibility,
14:37which could cause...
14:39Fat chance.
14:41See Mrs. Peasy going on strike.
14:43See Mr. Hardwood going on strike.
14:44It's not as if they do any work, anyway.
14:47They just make kids work.
14:48That's why they like it so much.
14:51Mr. Hardwood, he'd come into school if he was dying.
14:54He'd come into school if he was dead.
14:56Probably see if he can do his desk, he likes it so much.
15:01Hello?
15:02What's this?
15:043D?
15:05What's that?
15:09That's whatever it is.
15:14I don't believe it.
15:28Hey.
15:29Hey, mister.
15:30Look what's happened.
15:32You've splurged out of the TV set.
15:34These are only isolated incidents.
15:38In most parts of the country, reception is perfectly normal,
15:41and programmes are being transmitted as usual.
15:44Viewers are advised that they're in no danger.
15:46Oh.
15:47Good.
15:48Thanks.
15:49Not at all.
15:50Police and motoring organisations stated today
15:53that traffic congestion on Britain's motorways
15:55is giving cause for concern.
15:57The M25 orbital motorway has been jammed in both directions
16:01for three weeks now,
16:02with tailbacks as far as Land's End and John O'Groats.
16:06Many motorists have resigned themselves
16:08to never seeing their homes and families again,
16:11and a number of older vehicles are said to be putting down roots.
16:17Is it even hotter than usual in here?
16:19No.
16:20I can find out, mate.
16:22Find out what?
16:23No, stay where you are.
16:24I'm going back.
16:24And finally, Thunderbolt Thorpe appears to have demoralised
16:29all opponents once again in the World Snooker Championships.
16:32Betting now stands...
16:34Betting now stands...
16:35Do you mind telling me what you're doing here?
16:37I live here, don't I?
16:39Live here?
16:39This is a BBC News studio.
16:41No, it's not.
16:42It's our front room.
16:43And you've got no trousers on.
16:45What?
16:48Madam, I can explain.
16:49Look at you.
16:50What are you doing here?
16:54So it was true what Scott Barnacle's dad said about the newsreaders?
17:05Yeah.
17:05I saw it with my own eyes.
17:07And so did your mum.
17:08Well, she didn't believe her own eyes.
17:10She thought it was an optical illusion.
17:12Of course, that was before what happened in Jewel at Passion Creek.
17:15Why, what did happen in Jewel at Passion Creek?
17:17Terrible things.
17:18And you'll be coming to them?
17:19Eventually.
17:20Ooh, I can hardly wait.
17:22Well, you'll have to.
17:23Cos I haven't told you about Thunderbolt Thorpe yet.
17:26Thunderbolt Thorpe?
17:27What about Thunderbolt Thorpe?
17:29I was coming to that, wasn't I?
17:32Wouldn't normally watch the Snooker on TV.
17:34Like playing, Snooker and Paul.
17:36Get bored watching them.
17:38But, well, there wasn't much else to do.
17:40And everyone else seemed to be going out except me and Fred.
17:43Bye, Billy.
17:44Won't be long.
17:46All right.
17:46Where are you going?
17:47Just next door for a game of cards.
17:50We'll be back for a Jewel at Passion Creek.
17:52It's got rock savage in it.
17:54Swoon, swoon.
17:55What is more to the point, it's got Marilyn maybe in it, eh?
17:59Eh?
18:00Come on.
18:02At least people are supposed to be grown-up, sensible adults, Fred.
18:06All right, Nin.
18:06See you later.
18:08And then it was Linda.
18:09Linda.
18:09Well, that's real me, Fred.
18:38What do you reckon, eh?
18:40Bit of telly?
18:41See how Thunderbolt thought's getting on.
18:49And as we're returning to the World Snooker Championships,
18:52we have a scene of high drama in the World Championship final.
18:55Sensitive Sid has failed to come out for the final session.
18:58And the word from his dressing room is that Sensitive Sid has been reduced to the state of a nervous breakdown
19:04by the remorselessly, brutally attacking player of Thunderbolt thought.
19:08I hate that Thunderbolt thought.
19:10So, we are in the extraordinary situation of the World Championship going to fall by default.
19:17But he's not happy with that.
19:19He's not happy with that at all.
19:21And I understand he wants to get somebody into the arena and publicly humiliate them.
19:31But he's not finding any takers at the moment, and it's easy to understand why.
19:36What a bigot, eh, Fred?
19:38And in the meantime, he's going to perform one of his legendary solo exhibitions,
19:46culminating in a 147 maximum clearance.
19:49And it looks as if he's going to start with his famous cannonball break.
19:56Hi.
19:57Did I remember to turn a 3D nub off?
19:59Here, you, give us me ball back.
20:08Right, uh, hang on.
20:10I can't quite see how I'm going to do it.
20:12Come on, come on.
20:14Let's be having you.
20:15Right.
20:16Let's be having you.
20:46Golly, you and Thunderbolt Thorpe.
20:55All me life I've dreamt of playing in the World Snooker Championship.
21:00So, what happened?
21:02I was coming to that.
21:03I was coming to that.