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deaddogsmoking
  • 2 days ago
First broadcast 21st February 2006.

The day of Frank's wedding to Sheila draws near, but he begins to get cold feet when he learns the fate of her first husband, Sheldon.

David Threlfall ... Frank
Maggie O'Neill ... Sheila
Dean Lennox Kelly ... Kev
Maxine Peake ... Veronica
Jack Deam ... Marty
Gillian Kearney ... Sue
Marjorie Yates ... Carol
Gerard Kearns ... Ian
Jody Latham ... Lip
Rebecca Ryan ... Debbie
Elliott Tittensor ... Carl
Johnny Bennett ... Liam
Kelli Hollis ... Yvonne
Lindsey Dawson ... Jez
Rebecca Atkinson ... Karen
Samantha Siddall ... Mandy
Alice Barry ... Lillian
Anthony Flanagan ... Tony
Warren Donnelly ... Stan
Vortre Williams ... Builder(as Trevor Williams)
Jake McDonald ... Brian
Margaret Henshaw ... Mary
Maggie Fox ... Registrar
Matt Lanigan ... Builder
Richard Wallis ... Builder

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth estate is the garden of Eden, but it's been a good
00:12home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and my kids, who I'm proud of, because every single
00:18one of them reminds me a little of me.
00:22They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
00:26Quick, leggy!
00:27Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.
00:32Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, because she's disappeared in the
00:36thin air.
00:37And Carl, we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
00:40One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toya.
00:42Two, nits love him.
00:44Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
00:47You have to check your chains, but she'll go miles out of the way to do your favour.
00:51Plus, they could be him, which could be a star someday.
00:55Sheila, he burned.
00:56Couldn't be happier.
00:57One plate short of a full cell, eh?
00:59And fantastic neighbours.
01:02Kevin, Veronica, lend you anything.
01:04Well, almost anything.
01:05Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
01:08Last of the lonely hearts and the psychologist's wet dream.
01:11Still nobody's perfect.
01:13But all of them to a man.
01:15No, first and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw
01:20a party.
01:22Scat off!
01:23Me first stag night, the barman tells me a joke.
01:27Kid goes up to his dad, said he's heard that in some countries a man doesn't even know
01:31his wife till he marries her.
01:32His dad tells him that happens in every fucking country's son.
01:36I mean, it's true, isn't it?
01:37I mean, if I'd have known Monica was going to be a lesser, I'd have never have married
01:41her, would I?
01:42Well, yeah, probably.
01:43I mean, I'd have thought I was in with a, you know, flesh sandwich.
01:47But the point I'm making is, you just don't know, do you?
01:51You know, spin the fucking wheel.
01:53So that's the point of a stag do, isn't it?
01:55Because like the chief roman said, venit vidit vodka.
01:59None of my fucking senses, boys.
02:01I'm coming in.
02:02Well, that fucking Marty!
02:04Right away, mate.
02:31No, Sheila!
02:34Tell me it's not ground force.
02:36It's for the conservatory, Frank.
02:37I'm going to have frosted glass and blackout blinds when I get a bit insidey-outsidey.
02:42Hello?
02:42The garden's only ten feet two.
02:44What the fuck do we need a conservatory for?
02:46The wedding!
02:47You know what I'm like.
02:49Five hours out of here and I'll go completely doodlally.
02:51Oh, poor fucking wigwam up for someone.
02:54Too much daylight!
02:56How many times, eh, if you cold turkey your tablets, I need telling because A, they're worth money,
03:03B, they're a magnet for every fucking bronco for miles.
03:07How the hell much is all this costing?
03:10Eight thousand plus fat.
03:12Probably not too few quid off for signing on the spot.
03:14There!
03:15There you go!
03:15I said I wanted a conservatory, Frank.
03:20It's my money.
03:21You haven't got eight grand.
03:23I've got a mortgage.
03:24Three, two, one back in the room.
03:26Fuck's a remortgage costing me?
03:28Us, you.
03:29He nuts, Frank.
03:30So I paid off the house last year.
03:32But if I'm going to be honest, I miss filing all those bits of paper they used to send me.
03:36So I took the money out and everything and hid it in here.
03:41Well, you always said I shouldn't let people take advantage.
03:47Come here, you.
03:48God, you are a tall one-off.
03:56Why don't you let Frank take care of that, eh?
03:59OK.
04:01So how much should be over-quoted?
04:03Three grand, four...
04:03Let's say four.
04:05Aye, four grand.
04:05Split it, 50-50.
04:07Gives a receipt for the lot.
04:09Job's eight grand.
04:10On your fucking bike, Tom Toe.
04:12You seen Watchdog?
04:13Yeah.
04:14Presenter.
04:14Seen his brother.
04:15Twins.
04:16He's Scottish.
04:17Phone a friend or fuck off.
04:21We running on this business here.
04:23Pay our taxes.
04:24All above board.
04:25I've just pulled a cake out if we're all done and dusted.
04:28Beer, anyone?
04:29Gin and tonic?
04:30I'm all right, thanks, love.
04:31I need to have enough.
04:34Where the fuck do you dig them up?
04:36Adverting the church cassette.
04:42Right.
04:44Well, Frank's telling me.
04:46Veronica!
04:49Those tights you gave me have got a hole in.
04:52Not now, Mum.
04:53Oh, what's the matter with her?
04:54I lost a five without her.
04:55I said not now!
05:00I've just found out my IVS failed again.
05:04I don't know why you want kids anyway.
05:06Painting the bloody house, if you ask me.
05:08Bleed you dry.
05:09Take away the best shares of your life.
05:11And then they grow up to be a total waste.
05:12I'll tell you what, Mum.
05:15Don't mince your words.
05:16Say what you really feel.
05:18I mean, it's not much better from where I'm standing, is it?
05:21I mean, what did I get?
05:23Gin of the fucking jungle.
05:24But with a beard!
05:25Wedding dress, done.
05:33Order flowers, done.
05:35Yeah.
05:35Wedding cake.
05:37Martha Stewart, berry basket cake with wooden dowel supports, if I can get my wooden dowels.
05:40If not, I'll just have to use toilet roll holders.
05:44And you're making that yourself, so done.
05:46Right, that brings us to bridesmaids.
05:48And you'll obviously want Karen as one.
05:50Me?
05:50What, bridesmaid?
05:51You must be joking.
05:53What?
05:54So that just leaves me and Liam as page boy.
05:56I've just had to turn your water off, love, while we're doing digging.
05:59Okay.
05:59Right, so that's me and Liam, and I need a bridesmaid dress, so I've found one.
06:04Digging!
06:05What does he mean, digging?
06:09I don't understand.
06:10Why are you digging?
06:11For the foundations.
06:12Yeah, the ground solid.
06:14Just put it on there, can't you?
06:15Well, it won't stand up.
06:17You've only got to dig a few feet.
06:18I said no.
06:19I don't want digging.
06:21But if we don't dig, you can't have a conservatory.
06:23All right, just forget it then.
06:24What?
06:24I said forget it.
06:25I don't want a conservatory.
06:26You're joking or what?
06:27I've booked time in for this job.
06:29And you can't have a refund.
06:30And keep the money.
06:31And the cake too, if you want it.
06:34Look, I've bought out gear now.
06:36Let's just get on with it.
06:42Well, that's it then, innit?
06:44No more freebies on the NHS.
06:47I mean, Kev sure as shit ain't got two grand for going private, so...
06:51Looks like game over.
06:54Is it still Kev's sperm that's the problem?
06:57Still doing backstroke.
06:59Thing is, you never wanted them till bloody mouth almighty started going on about it.
07:05And I was desperate.
07:09I ain't got to tell them that they failed again.
07:11I mean, when they've been handpicked and scored out of 100.
07:15Kids like Mandy McGuire can get pregnant from just fucking sneezing.
07:20Who's that for?
07:21Have you ever thought about having any?
07:27Yeah.
07:29Dunno.
07:30A lot of work, aren't they?
07:32I don't want you alone.
07:44Leave it alone!
07:46Leave me back here alone!
07:48Leave it alone!
07:50It's all right, don't.
07:51Please, don't let me do it.
07:51Hey, what's going on?
07:53Sheila, Sheila!
07:54I don't want it!
07:56I don't want it!
07:57It's all right.
07:57No, dig me.
07:58No, no, it's all right.
07:59No, dig me.
08:00I don't want them to do it.
08:01No, no, no, no, no.
08:03It'll be all right.
08:04All right, they'll leave it alone.
08:06Fucking hell!
08:07I'm so sorry.
08:08I'm so sorry, Frank.
08:10It's just so...
08:11It's so...
08:12All right, all right.
08:13It's all right.
08:14There's no need to...
08:15Frank, there's something I need to tell you.
08:18I can't marry you without telling you.
08:20You're not a bloke, are you?
08:22No, of course not.
08:24No.
08:24I...
08:25No.
08:25I was married before...
08:28before Eddie...
08:30Before Eddie...
08:31Karen's dad, Eddie?
08:32Yeah.
08:33Sheldon.
08:34But he died.
08:37I thought I did that.
08:37Oh, well, yeah.
08:41Well, you know...
08:43Some of these blokes these days don't take care of themselves, do they?
08:46You know, no exercise, pissing it off.
08:48No.
08:50But, er...
08:52I mean, if it's putting you off getting married, then she...
08:55No, no, no, it's not that.
08:57It's just...
08:59He's buried...
09:00in the garden.
09:07Are you serious?
09:09No coughing?
09:11Nothing?
09:13She's just wrapped him in a doily.
09:16Said a few Hail Marys and then shoved him six feet under.
09:19It's what he would have wanted.
09:21She'd reckon us.
09:22Can you give us another pint, Kev?
09:24And a couple of these.
09:25They're a bit fucking weird, though.
09:27Of course it's a bit fucking weird.
09:30A Michael Jackson video on your back garden.
09:32Stiff under the...
09:33What's it, boss?
09:34It's hardly Mr and Mrs, is it?
09:36Hey.
09:37Do you reckon Karen knows?
09:38Oh, hey, Karen!
09:40Don't tell her, you stupid bastard!
09:43It's not like he's a dad.
09:45So, what did Sheila say about it?
09:46I mean, is she all right?
09:47Well, the fuck should I know.
09:48Hey, hey, so, er, so would Sheila work in the hospital?
10:01She could have been tonight, shall we?
10:02Well, it might be tomorrow.
10:03You know what they like.
10:04I'll, er...
10:05I'll take him home, shall I?
10:06Make sure Sheila's all right.
10:07Find it where I can.
10:09Come on, Toshpots!
10:17Cheers.
10:17Oh, look at that, Liam, eh?
10:19You'd look sweet in that.
10:20Huh!
10:21Oi!
10:22He's a spunk-faced, short-arse excite, then.
10:25Nope.
10:26Not again.
10:27What does he want?
10:29Where?
10:30Oh, go on, Debs.
10:31Is your boyfriend in here you can tell us?
10:32You're joking, aren't you?
10:34He's only about four.
10:36Some tell I've gone out.
10:41Fuck off!
10:45Thanks for bringing him home.
10:46It's all right.
10:48Well, I thought, you know, I'd come and see how it's going, you know.
10:50A whip wedding and that.
10:51Sorry, I haven't got much to offer you.
10:53I could do your vodka.
10:56So is that where he's buried, then?
10:58What?
10:58Oh, I'm sorry.
11:00It's just what Frank said and, well,
11:03I mean, only to us and I...
11:04Well, what the hell happened?
11:06Well, let me, uh, let me do those.
11:11There's not really much to do, actually.
11:14I just couldn't handle the funeral.
11:17It was the agoraphobia.
11:19And when he fell downstairs and killed himself,
11:22I thought the garden's just as good a place as any.
11:24And he loved that garden.
11:27He loved it.
11:28And he used to sit up there and point where to plant things.
11:33Fell down the stairs?
11:34I thought he had heart attack.
11:37He did.
11:38He did.
11:38He did.
11:39After he fell down the stairs,
11:41I thought maybe I should have done him a headstone,
11:43but it would have spoilt the symmetry
11:45and he wouldn't have liked that.
11:46He wouldn't have liked it.
11:48I mean, there wasn't any time.
11:49I didn't even have time to take off his jewellery.
11:52He didn't like me to touch it anyway.
11:54That's why I can't make gold.
11:56That's why I have to wear a fake or platinum.
12:00Maybe I should have phoned someone,
12:02but I knew he was dead
12:03because he didn't get up towards the swing.
12:06The swing.
12:08What did Frank say?
12:10What did he say?
12:11I'm much gold, Sheila.
12:22You look nice, Carol.
12:23I always think animal prints suit you.
12:25Veronica's put you up to this, haven't she?
12:27No, of course not.
12:28Hmm.
12:29Well, whatever it is you're wanting,
12:30I'm not biting.
12:32Hi, Debbie.
12:33Doing a good trade on that confetti.
12:37Waste not fucking, want not?
12:41The thing is,
12:43it's not actually me wanting something.
12:45It's Sheila.
12:46She's ever so stressed about the wedding
12:47and she really wants me to be a bridesmaid, but...
12:50The answer's no.
12:53Oh, go on, Carol, please.
12:55I'm not nicking you a bridesmaid dress.
12:57I got caution the last time I tried something.
13:00I can't take that chance again.
13:01All right, Yvonne.
13:05Just a pack of gum for me.
13:07Three twenty.
13:08Take what you want, Dave, for bearded ladies.
13:10We'll ask where it can.
13:11Oh.
13:24Why are you following me?
13:26I've got racing ninjas.
13:27Look, Brian, the thing is,
13:32I don't want to be rude or anything.
13:34I'm just not really interested.
13:36It's nothing personal or anything.
13:38It's just, it's all about chemicals in your brain.
13:41And you can't help those.
13:42Who you've got them for,
13:44and who you haven't.
13:45And with you, I just haven't.
13:48Sorry.
13:50No hard feelings, eh?
13:51You can have me skateboard.
13:54If you like me kiss, yeah?
13:55I don't want a skateboard.
14:00What I want is a bridesmaid dress.
14:11What'd you do that for?
14:13She's buried him with a load of gold.
14:15He was covered in it.
14:17Rings, watches, teeth.
14:18Must be worth a fortune.
14:22What the fuck's that got to do with me?
14:24I want you to dig him up.
14:25Are you off your fucking...
14:26Dig him up?
14:28It's not Brookside.
14:29He's a dead person.
14:31Well, exactly.
14:31He doesn't need it, does he, eh?
14:33If we're years ago,
14:34he'll only be a pack of bones.
14:36Oh, and what?
14:37You don't think he's entitled to everlasting...
14:41You know, fucking...
14:42What's it?
14:42A man's soul has a right to be left in peace, doesn't he?
14:45Or what is the world coming to?
14:47Well, you know what?
14:48You can say a few prayers when you bury him again.
14:52Come on, Frank.
14:53Frank.
14:54Kev's cousin can fence it.
14:56All we need to do is get rid of Sheila for the night.
15:00Dig him up.
15:01Split it 50-50.
15:03Oh.
15:03It's yours by right.
15:05Yeah, but...
15:06Is it?
15:07Yeah, of course it is.
15:09Cos...
15:10Well, Sheldon were married to Sheila.
15:12Yeah.
15:13Which makes her his next of kin.
15:14Right.
15:15You're married to Sheila.
15:16Well, near enough.
15:18So that makes you up.
15:21I really need this money, Frank.
15:23And don't pretend you don't.
15:25Money Sheila's spending on this wedding...
15:27It's payback.
15:29It's better.
15:30Oh!
15:31You're awake!
15:31Oh!
15:34Oh!
15:50Oh!
15:55That was a bit hardcore.
15:56What time is it?
16:00About three.
16:04Shit!
16:04Mindy.
16:23Mindy.
16:24I'm here.
16:24I'm here now.
16:25Fuck you, Lee.
16:26Look.
16:27Just let me take it.
16:28I said I would.
16:29You said to be here at two.
16:31Jesus Christ.
16:31Just one afternoon out with me friends.
16:33That's all I wanted.
16:33Well, I'm here now.
16:35You're not reliable.
16:37I said I didn't want you involved with her.
16:38I said she'd get bored and fuck me over.
16:40And you have.
16:42We don't need that in our lives, Lick.
16:44You're going to end up like your own fucking dad.
16:59Mindy!
17:00I thought we'd agree to make a go of it.
17:03Fuck.
17:04Look, she'll calm down, Lick.
17:10She's just pissed off for you.
17:11She's right though, isn't she?
17:13Fucked up like she said I would.
17:14Okay, so tell her you're sorry and tell her you'll make it up to her.
17:18I don't want to be like him.
17:20I want to be a good dad.
17:23Look, do you think, well, what if I asked her to move in with me?
17:28I'd be there for her all the time and she'd know I mean it.
17:31I suppose.
17:32Yeah, I could redecorate.
17:35My room, do it how she likes.
17:37That's commitment, isn't it?
17:38Yeah.
17:39Where'd you get this from?
17:52Wrong colour.
17:52Come on, kid.
18:01Get a musical, Frank.
18:02Party!
18:03It's a headlight or something.
18:05Maybe we should invite some of the others.
18:06No, no, we can do that later.
18:08We just thought we'd have a bit of a celebration.
18:10Hey, get the girl a drink, please.
18:12Come on.
18:16Come on, baby.
18:31I'm coming.
18:32Here we go.
18:32She's going to take it.
18:34It's crazy.
18:37I got so much love.
18:40I got so much love.
18:46Where'd you get it from?
18:49I stole it.
18:50Where from?
18:51Me dad works at Apprentice and they make wedding invitations.
18:55So I know he's getting married.
18:58Come on, Brian.
18:59You've been not great, honey.
19:00It's been all right.
19:01I thought you were going to dress, you'll be fine.
19:05So, Brian, how many more weddings do you know I have?
19:12Oh, I love this one.
19:14I'm having such a lovely time.
19:16Down the swivel, Julia.
19:21Come on, Sheila.
19:32Come on.
19:35There you go.
19:36Come on.
19:36There we are.
19:37There's another one in there.
19:39Down in one.
19:40Go on.
19:41Go on.
19:42Go on.
19:43All the way.
19:43Go on.
19:44Go on.
19:44Go on.
19:44Go on.
19:45Go on.
19:45Oh, thank Puck for that.
19:53How many did you give her?
19:54Ten.
19:54That's the thing about women, see?
20:10She's devious.
20:11Like Alistair fucking Campbell.
20:12The lot are your tick, tick.
20:14Make out that there's nothing going on.
20:17But inside...
20:17I mean, where's Kev while you're here, eh?
20:22Witching hour, legs straddling a fucking corpse, at home in bed.
20:26None the flaming wiser.
20:29More to the point.
20:30Where are you, Frank?
20:31You were meant to be fucking helping.
20:33Yeah, you know, I can't go there.
20:34It's too close to home.
20:35Anyway, I'm getting flashbacks to me, ma'am.
20:37Anyway, you were a fucking nurse.
20:39You're used to dead, but...
20:39Fucking hell, Frank.
20:45I think I've found him.
20:48Well, have a look.
20:50Can I see the gold?
20:57Bloody hell.
20:58There's a watch, though.
21:12And some rings.
21:21Fuck me.
21:28Jesus Christ, on a bike.
21:35That was some fucking fall down the stairs.
21:50Here.
21:51I've got your double.
21:54Dick him up, she said.
21:55Don't hurt anyone, she said.
21:56No, you're not the one just found out you're marrying Maida fucking Indley.
21:59Frank, I am just as freaked out about this as you are.
22:02Oh, hello, how's that work?
22:03Are you the one that's lying awake at three in the morning,
22:05wondering whether you're going to make it till breakfast time?
22:08Look.
22:10Well, this...
22:11This wouldn't normally be my first port of call,
22:13but maybe we should, you know, think about...
22:16Without going to the police.
22:17You could save a guard.
22:19How come suddenly it's all about me?
22:20What, you don't want to fucking dug him up.
22:22Yeah, Frank!
22:23You want to pull yourself together.
22:24I mean, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
22:28For a fondue set in the ribs.
22:30What, he thought, oh, hang on,
22:31I'd try a bit of acupuncture to cure the heart attack
22:33and, oh dear, whoops, I've stabbed myself to death.
22:35I can't think so.
22:36Well, if you go to the police, we've lost the gold,
22:38so why don't you just shut up about it?
22:39You know, when did you turn into Lyra Croft Tomb later?
22:47Shit!
22:52I've got a shocking head.
22:54I didn't sleep properly last night.
22:56It was up and down, Rocky.
22:58Sorry, am I interrupting something?
22:59No, no, no, we weren't just talking about the wedding.
23:02Frank's really looking forward to it.
23:03Oh, Frank, are you?
23:06Of course I am, yeah.
23:08I've got my dress fitting today.
23:10Who about you?
23:10Oh, I've got a diamondy bodice,
23:12nylon jewel veil, modesty panel.
23:16Actually, I know you don't like looking after the twins,
23:19but I thought maybe just for a good one.
23:20Well, of course I do.
23:21No, don't be silly.
23:22Any time.
23:23You'd only be for an hour.
23:24Yeah.
23:24Don't question it, Sheila.
23:25He might change his mind.
23:26Anyway, I've got a watch to.
23:28See ya.
23:29Hey, Veronica.
23:30Have you got moles, then?
23:33Do what, Lillian?
23:35Moles, have you got them?
23:36How or less?
23:36They said she saw you digging it, Gordon.
23:38She lives all but back from you.
23:39No, Lillian, no.
23:41It's the digger.
23:42We've got the builders in.
23:43It's not us.
23:43No, it's definitely you in the night.
23:45She wanted to go.
23:46No, no, no.
23:46She must have been, you know, dreaming it.
23:48Dreamed it.
23:49You know what she's like.
23:50Hang on, hang on.
23:51Sheila, come on, Dan.
23:52You've got your wedding veil.
23:53I know she did.
23:54She knows you're out.
23:55Hang on, Lillian.
23:56Hang on, look.
23:56Just go on, Dan.
23:57You enjoy yourself, can you?
23:58No, meet with you.
23:59Because she knows you're out.
24:00Hey, hey, hey, hey.
24:01Your work on this planet is finished.
24:02Return to your own people.
24:03She don't tell lies.
24:04She saw you.
24:16Fucking hell.
24:18No.
24:19No.
24:21No.
24:24What, Lillian?
24:25I told you.
24:25Just...
24:26Come with us a minute.
24:28Debs, watch Keita.
24:31What are we doing, Lip?
24:33You'll see.
24:34In a minute.
24:36All right.
24:37You ready?
24:40Ta-da!
24:41And what's this meant to be?
24:46Well, it's for you.
24:48I thought if you moved in here, I'll be around, won't I?
24:52Won't be able to forget things.
24:54Lip, a couple of coats of paint aren't going to solve anything.
24:57And what makes you think I'm going to move in here with you lot?
24:59It's a fucking madhouse.
25:00No offence, but I'd rather eat my own sick.
25:05I don't understand you.
25:07But I wanted to work, Mandy.
25:10Yeah, well, so do I.
25:12But it's us we've got to sort out.
25:14The real stuff.
25:16Not some fucking paint job.
25:17I don't want to, Debbie.
25:25Brian, you said you'd help me.
25:27You said I could kiss you.
25:29Just help me get the dress.
25:31I'm not...
25:32Just one, okay?
25:33Here.
25:35On the mouth.
25:36On the mouth, I'm not doing it.
25:39Just help me get the dress, all right?
25:41Where do you get it from?
25:53Yeah, you know, grave robbing.
25:55Use your stuff.
25:56I'd put it back if I was you.
25:58Eh?
25:59It's fake.
26:00A whole lot of it.
26:02Ain't worth a penny.
26:11Go on then, let me see.
26:14All right then.
26:15But make it quick.
26:16And if you gobble me, I'll throw up on you.
26:22Well, go on then.
26:26Ah, I think you're horrible.
26:28You think you're really it, but you're not.
26:30You're just using me.
26:31And you shouldn't do that because it's wrong.
26:33I don't want to kiss you.
26:34I want to see you ever again.
26:41Frank?
26:50Are you all right about tomorrow?
26:52I can't wait to be Mrs. Gullard.
26:58I think I'll just hit the hay sewer.
27:11Just lock it up for the night, Frank.
27:26Frank?
27:29Yeah, just...
27:30You know, love.
27:34Frank, are you all right, love?
27:35Yeah, yeah.
27:38Just...
27:38You know...
27:40Is there something wrong?
27:45Frank?
27:48What Lillian said?
27:50Were you digging?
27:54Did you...
27:54Did you dig him up?
27:59Sorry, love.
28:00I hear you.
28:03Did you dig him up?
28:06Did you dig him up?
28:08Did you dig him up, Frank?
28:10Did you dig him?
28:18Did you dig him up?
28:19Did you dig him up?
28:19Hey, I'm a...
28:31Monica, you've heard, haven't you?
28:35From the hospital.
28:38It's not good news, is it?
28:40No.
28:43Oh, look, I'm really sorry.
28:46I just didn't know how to tell you.
28:48It's all right.
28:49Monica, look on it.
28:51For sake.
28:54Mind your feet.
28:56What the fuck are you playing at, Frank?
28:59Let me in.
29:00You've just broken the fucking window.
29:02Look, I need the money from the gold.
29:06What fucking gold?
29:08You've done what?
29:09Well, he was fucking dead anyway.
29:10Er, correction, murdered, how much?
29:12Hey, you what?
29:13Sheila murdered him, that's all.
29:15She murdered him, you're joking?
29:16It was a fucking...
29:17Yeah, well, Frank, it was a big fat zero,
29:19because it's all fake,
29:20so I'm fucking tough shit on both of us.
29:22So I dug up that body for nothing?
29:24You didn't dig him up, I fucking did it!
29:26That gold was me get-out-of-jail-free card.
29:28How the hell am I going to get away from her now?
29:30Well, what are you on about?
29:31She knows!
29:33Fucking Lillian, fucking...
29:35And now she's going to kill me.
29:37No, it's not fucking funny.
29:38Look, you didn't see her with that spade.
29:40Did you know they get a taste for it, don't they?
29:42I've seen crime watch.
29:43Oh, for fuck's sake.
29:43What the hell am I going to do now?
29:47I'm going to have to stay here while I get me head together.
29:49You were joking over my dead body.
29:51It's me darkest hour, Veronica.
29:53Me dream wedding in Tatters.
29:54Me kids are not taking pity on me.
29:56Lips already thrown me out.
29:57Yeah, well, tell her to open up.
29:58Fuck off.
30:03Veronica, you can't do this to me.
30:05I'm a marked man.
30:06Hey, you've got me into this.
30:08Veronica.
30:09I don't believe you.
30:20And I don't.
30:22What were you thinking?
30:24I thought we could use the money to, you know,
30:27for IVF.
30:30I know how much you want it, Kev.
30:33Oh, you come here, you dad cow.
30:39Hey, how many blokes could say the wife
30:42would go grave robbing for him?
30:44We were horrible and all.
30:46And he stank.
30:49Well, look, V, we're all right.
30:51We're all right.
30:52We don't need no one else.
30:56Aye, but we don't need to be trying for the baby
30:59to have sex, do we?
31:03No.
31:04Well, that was in, then.
31:06Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
31:21Frank?
31:22Frank?
31:33Frank?
31:34Frank, are you there, love?
31:39Carl?
31:40Carl?
31:41Is your dad there?
31:42No.
31:43Why?
31:44I think it's better for me.
31:45Hey, give over, Sheila.
31:47He's, um, he's probably with, um, well, he's probably like with Kev somewhere, isn't he?
31:53You know, getting ready and that.
31:55It's bad luck seeing you on your wedding day, ain't it?
31:59Luke, why don't you go home and, uh, don't worry, we'll find him.
32:06I'll get him.
32:10What the fuck are you doing, Frank?
32:12It's your wedding day.
32:13You can't just disappear.
32:15She's in pieces.
32:16Yeah, but what about me?
32:18I'm a hunted man.
32:21She got a fucking spade, Veronica.
32:24If you're not gonna marry her, Frank, you have got to tell her.
32:28Sort him out, will ya?
32:29I'm going to Sheila's.
32:31Come on, Nobhead.
32:34Alright, so you dig up this bloke and she's killed him, right?
32:37Yeah, and used to say he's not the only one.
32:40Hmm?
32:41Well, you remember, um, Eddie the Owl?
32:45Fucking missionary work in Africa or six feet under.
32:49What's the more likely, eh?
32:51Well, look, the only reason you know about Sheldon in the first place is because she told you.
32:55Now what's she gonna tell you for? She's planning on giving you the same.
32:58Well, it's double bluff, innit? Plus, she had no choice.
33:02No, that's bollocks, Frank. The reason, no, Frank, the reason she told you is because she trusts you.
33:08That woman, she wouldn't let her finger on you. Fuck knows why, but she thinks the sun shines out of your arse.
33:14But she's still a fucking murderer, Kev. I'm not marrying her.
33:20It's beautiful, innit? I thought I might as well put it on.
33:26Though I don't suppose I'll be needing it now.
33:28Hey, no, come on, enough of that.
33:29He knows, doesn't he? He knows about Sheldon.
33:32I'm sorry, Sheila. It hit me.
33:35He used to hit me, see?
33:37If everything wasn't just so, he used to...
33:40It was like he was looking for things to find fault with.
33:43I... If his records weren't stacked neatly or if I'd have burned on...
33:47Sheldon fucking beat you.
33:49I was young, you see.
33:51You think you deserve it, don't you? You don't know any better.
33:54It was the gold that was the worst.
33:57It used to burn me with it.
33:59My pattern marks all up and down my arms and legs.
34:09No! No! No! No!
34:11But if I cried, he'd punch me in the face.
34:14The pattern they once brought me in hospital for a month.
34:18Why didn't anybody stop him?
34:20Why didn't you go to the police?
34:22I did. I did.
34:23I used to pretend they couldn't see the marks.
34:25They just used to say, they're there.
34:27Give me a boiled sweet and send me home.
34:29They used to call it a domestic in those days.
34:32They didn't want to get involved.
34:34There's always gobstoppers.
34:36I can't step aside from now.
34:39I know.
34:42One night it was coming up me with the medallion.
34:46And I just went.
34:49I didn't plan any of it.
34:58Oh, Sheila, what a bastard.
35:01I can't believe you've never told us before.
35:04He deserved everything he got then.
35:07He mustn't waste another breath on him.
35:09Frank's gone, Veronica.
35:11Because of me.
35:12Because of what I've done.
35:13Hey, no, come on.
35:14But do you think maybe if...
35:15Think maybe if I confessed,
35:17do you think maybe Frank could forgive me?
35:19I know he doesn't love me anymore,
35:21but if he could forgive me, that would be something.
35:23Well, come on, Sheila.
35:24You are not getting yourself banged up for the likes of Sheldon.
35:27He was a monster.
35:28But for Frank,
35:30it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
35:32I'm gonna turn myself in.
35:45Oi!
35:46Having a nice time, are you?
35:47Well, your fiancé's come to turn herself in.
35:50Well,
35:51you can't do the time.
35:53For the murder of a bloke who beat her to a fucking pulp!
35:57Oi!
35:58Where the fuck are you going?
36:00Empty house.
36:01I'm gonna keep meself company.
36:05For fuck's sake, Frank.
36:06He used to burn her fucking house with a medallion.
36:08How much more convincing do you need?
36:10I am not fucking joking, Frank.
36:12You can't let her go through with it.
36:14She'll go to prison.
36:16She's only confessing
36:17because she thinks it's what you want.
36:22Fucking hell.
36:23What?
36:25Mr and Mrs Gallagher.
36:27She's opened her fucking joint account for you.
36:30Gonna leave her!
36:45Get out of here, Frank!
36:48Get out of here!
36:51Hey!me pages, they're gonna find
36:55in a strange exploring.
36:57I don't know.
37:27Oh, blimey, look at you, Sheila.
37:45Aw, twins have grown, eh?
37:47Yeah, yeah, they have.
37:50So, what can we do for you?
37:52You come to report a crime?
37:53What is it? Frank wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt for the wedding?
37:55No, no.
37:59I've come to confess to Amanda.
38:08Sorry.
38:12Look, Sheila, love, you don't have to marry Frank, you know, if you don't want to.
38:17You don't have to go making up stories.
38:18Oh, no, I do. I really do.
38:20It's just because of the conservatory, you see.
38:25All right, um, maybe we should, um, we'll get you a cup of tea.
38:31Yeah, yeah, that'd be lovely.
38:32Um, with Deborah Harris, you've got it.
38:37Don't stop it.
38:38No!
38:38Oh, Neddy!
38:40All the fucking horses!
38:42Right, whatever she's saying, it's not true, right?
38:45It's just pre-wedding jitters, isn't it?
38:49It's just...
38:50It's just...
38:51Can I just have a couple of minutes with her on me own?
38:56Sheila!
39:03What are you doing, you daft mare?
39:05I know you know about him, what I've done, so I thought I'd come and get it off my chest.
39:11Oh, but what are you talking about?
39:13He was a brute, wasn't he?
39:15It's all right, because Veronica told me.
39:18He deserved everything he got.
39:19God, if I'd have got to him first, I'd have done it.
39:22Because if anyone lays a fucking finger on you...
39:24Frank, you'd gone because of what I'd done.
39:27No!
39:29Well, yeah, but...
39:31It was just...
39:32You know, just a moment...
39:35A moment of cold feet.
39:37Just a normal, kind of bloke's thing.
39:40I just...
39:41I got a bit...
39:42Anyway, the point is, I'm here now.
39:45Why don't we just go home, eh?
39:50To tell you the truth...
39:51You're finding out it's quite a way tough.
39:54Because, um...
39:55I've been giving it a lot of thought.
39:57And I've thought...
39:59Maybe all this trouble I've had over the last few years...
40:02You know, like the pills and everything...
40:04Maybe it's because of the guilt.
40:08I think I need to be punished.
40:12Sheila!
40:13You have...
40:16served your time.
40:17In here.
40:25So what good's it going to do?
40:27You're not going to bring him back, is it?
40:28Frank...
40:29I'll tell you something, Sheila.
40:30If you go to prison...
40:32No, I know.
40:33If you go to prison...
40:35You will kill another man.
40:38No.
40:38Because...
40:39I will die of a broken heart.
40:48Frank...
40:49Do you really mean that?
40:53Do I?
40:53A man...
41:07Without a woman.
41:15Sheila Jackson...
41:15Sheila Jackson...
41:22Will you do me the great...
41:24Thingy...
41:26Of...
41:27You...
41:28My...
41:29Wife?
41:31Yes!
41:32Yes, yes!
41:34Of course I will!
41:35Of course I will!
41:40Let's get the fuck out of this place, then!
41:42Oh, God!
41:42No!
41:43No!
41:43No!
41:44No!
41:44No!
41:45No!
41:51Well...
41:52You don't scrub up bad.
41:54Didn't think you were coming?
41:56Yeah, well...
41:56Don't miss this, would I?
41:59Got me mum to mind, Katie...
42:00So it's just me and you today.
42:02If we can remember how to do that.
42:04Course we can.
42:07Come on.
42:09You got a button on Marta?
42:10Look a cock, innit!
42:12Hiya, Karen.
42:12Hiya, Sue.
42:13Cheers.
42:14Cheers.
42:14In a civil service, we don't make vows of a religious nature.
42:21Thank fuck.
42:22Thank fuck.
42:23But we pledge our love, honour and respect in a way that's just as deeply binding.
42:29Come on, come on, come on, get to the good bit.
42:30Do you, Vernon Francis Gallagher?
42:32Go on, join in if you know the words.
42:35Do you, Vernon Francis Gallagher, take Sheila Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wife?
42:42I do!
42:43I do!
42:44And do you, Sheila Jackson, take Vernon Francis Gallagher to be your lawfully wedded husband?
42:53Yes!
42:54Yes!
42:55Yes!
42:56Yes!
42:57I'm guilty!
42:58Hooray!
42:59Here's the ring!
43:00Hooray!
43:01Hooray!
43:02I now pronounce you husband and wife.
43:05Hooray!
43:06Hooray!
43:07Hooray!
43:08Hooray!
43:09Hooray!
43:10Hooray!
43:11Hooray!
43:12Hooray!
43:13Hooray!
43:14Hooray!
43:15Hooray!
43:16Hooray!
43:18Hooray!
43:19Hooray!
43:21Hooray!
43:22Hooray!
43:23Hooray!
43:24Hooray!
43:25Hooray!
43:26Hooray!
43:27Hey, I'm glad you came through.
43:28Yeah, well, I could hardly let her down, could I?
43:31Anyway, I got to thinking.
43:32Never got the divorce through from Monica in the end, so it's not legal anyway.
43:37So I've got a new joke, right?
43:56What does bigamy mean?
43:58One wife, too many.
44:00And monogamy, same fucking thing.
44:03But, you know, if you've got to have a ball and change,
44:05she was a woman for the job.
44:06Cos if we ever fall on hard times,
44:08you can send her out as a contract killer.
44:10So like the Chief Roman said,
44:12veni, vidi, volavant.
44:14Let's have a fucking party!
44:15Let's go!
44:19Let's go!
44:21Let's go!
44:53Yeah, give me that.