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00:00Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
00:05You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
00:13I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
00:17More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
00:22Oh, I don't think you can.
00:23Why not? Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
00:27During which he defected to North Korea.
00:29Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
00:33For which she awarded him the nickname Speed of Light Leonard.
00:36And a three hour dinner with Penny.
00:39Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
00:42Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
00:48Yes, I'm aware of the math. Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth.
00:53The issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
00:58Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
01:06I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it.
01:11That doesn't work at all.
01:16No matter how much you put on.
01:20So that's all you've got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?
01:26Yes.
01:28What do you do for jobs?
01:30We're scientists. Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
01:34What are the dark sciences?
01:37Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night.
01:43When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
01:49Oy vey.
01:52That sounds really cool.
01:54Does it?
01:55Okay, if you like space stuff, I design components for the International Space Station, which is in space.
02:00Where, as I'm sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
02:06So what do you girls do?
02:08I work at the Gap.
02:09Really? How about that? I've been to the Gap.
02:12I've been there as well. I like your t-shirts with the little pocket.
02:17I work there too. Not that anyone cares.
02:23You know, this place is boring.
02:25Yeah, why don't we go somewhere else and have some fun?
02:29Okay.
02:30Sure, we like fun.
02:32We are fun people.
02:33But dark and fun.
02:35Come on, I know a place you'll really dig.
02:41Did you bring the black condoms?
02:43Here's my funny book.
02:44Let's go.
02:52Are you happy now?
02:56Not particularly.
02:58To our Stan Lee, why insist on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter?
03:04Oh, come on. Why would you do that?
03:06Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker,
03:13and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson Jr.
03:19Okay, I'm cutting. I'm not going to talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
03:25Look at that.
03:27To my friend Leonard from Stan Lee Excelsior.
03:33Awesome.
03:34Mine says to my friend Howard from Stan Lee Excelsior.
03:40Mine says to Raj from Stan Lee.
03:48It's because you pissed him off about his character names.
03:51Hey, I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan, Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom,
03:58and worst of all, Millie the Model.
04:02Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Kurt Connors.
04:08Just let it go.
04:11And worst of all, Finn, Fang, Foom.
04:16As soon as she gets here, so she knows I'm cool with it, I'm going to make a joke about her being deaf.
04:24I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about, oh no, I bet you didn't.
04:31Maybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan.
04:35Oh, she's here.
04:39No joke.
04:45She says she's sorry she's late.
04:47Tell her it doesn't matter. Tell her her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the Palace of the Celestial Maidens.
04:57Really? That's the first thing you want to say?
05:00I worked on it all night. Use it.
05:02I don't know the sign for opalescent.
05:04Spell it.
05:05I don't know how to spell it.
05:06But you're blowing this for me.
05:10He likes your eyes.
05:12You're making me sound like a caveman.
05:15She says thank you. You have nice eyes too.
05:17Really? Ask her how many children she wants and whatever number she says, say me too.
05:22Our action figures have arrived.
05:24This is the best $500 I've ever spent.
05:27A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that?
05:30Easy. His family's loaded and Bernadette has a great job.
05:33My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.
05:38Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
05:46Oh, I'm not dark chocolate. I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel.
05:54Oh, man.
06:01Look at my nose.
06:04Maybe it's a shipping problem.
06:06What?
06:07Yeah, maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
06:12This sucks.
06:14I can't believe I wasted all that money.
06:16Oh, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one.
06:20Look at my face.
06:22Do I look smug? I feel smug.
06:31Yo, always bet on black.
06:35Get that waste of money out of my face.
06:38It's only a waste of money if we don't play with them.
06:42He's right, dog.
06:45Please, I'm working.
06:47You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us.
06:52Oh, yeah? How's that?
06:53Two words. 3D printer.
06:56Maybe it's three words. No? Hang on.
06:59Okay, one word, a letter, and a number.
07:02And maybe a hyphen. 3D printer.
07:06I have always wanted a 3D printer.
07:09Of course you have. They're an engineer's dream.
07:12Anything you can design, a 3D printer can make out of plastic.
07:15Yeah, but they're so expensive.
07:17Oh, come on. You deserve one.
07:19You worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money.
07:24Well, the prices have been coming down.
07:27Oh, true. They're practically giving them away.
07:29You know, in exchange for money.
07:32Maybe we can make stuff we need for work with it.
07:35Prototypes of my cat, Camdesign. Specialized tools.
07:38Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitching dream house.
07:44We don't need Malibu Koothrappali's dream house.
07:46Really, smart guy?
07:48Where's he supposed to park his sweet little car there?
07:52Okay, give me a superhero pose,
07:55and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure.
07:59Oh, I wish I was in better shape.
08:03Stop holding your stomach in. I'll give you a six-pack with the computer.
08:07Oh, okay, great.
08:09Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman
08:11instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
08:17All right, you can suck it in a little bit.
08:21My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck
08:24since that dentist she was dealing with.
08:27Wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
08:30Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift?
08:36Sorry.
08:37There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.
08:41She's huge. It was funny.
08:44Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could
08:46check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she's doing okay.
08:49Dude, I'm a single man.
08:51Saturday night is my party night.
08:54Are you ready for dessert?
08:59No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz,
09:00but I've had a lovely time eating your brisket
09:03and hearing about the things you've had removed from your body over the years.
09:08Didn't know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.
09:12The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls.
09:16Well, if you have to go,
09:18how about I put a little doggie bed together for you?
09:21That would be lovely. Thank you.
09:27Mrs. Wolowitz,
09:30are you okay?
09:32Don't mind me.
09:33I just cry when I'm lonely and have nothing to live for.
09:42I, uh,
09:44I suppose I could stay for some dessert.
09:47Great.
09:52Hello?
09:53Hey, how'd it go last night with my mom?
09:56Okay, I guess.
09:58What time did you leave?
10:01Actually, I'm still here.
10:05What? You spent the night?
10:07Yeah.
10:09After dinner we watched a rerun of Rockford Files
10:13and then she opened a bottle of cream sherry
10:16and the next thing I know she was tucking me into your bed.
10:22You wore my pajamas?
10:24Mm-hmm.
10:27Rajesh, you up? You ready for breakfast?
10:30Oh boy, breakfast.
10:33Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there.
10:36But I have a cream sherry hangover and I smell blintzes.
10:41If you don't leave now, she'll use food and guilt
10:44to keep you there for the rest of your life.
10:46Oh, I won't stop.
10:47Trust me, you're not Jewish. That's how they get you.
10:51You're being silly. I can leave whenever I want.
10:54Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes?
10:57They're on the chair right over...
11:01Oy vey.
11:03Your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting.
11:06It is. You can download my paper off the university server.
11:10I will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen belts
11:13from the university server as well.
11:15I will.
11:19All right.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:34How'd it go?
11:35Well, if you like dry factual statements
11:37interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas.
11:43Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here.
11:46She's probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
11:48Oh, great.
11:49There go my chances of being sexually harassed.
11:53I heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad.
11:57That's so much better than the old ugly ones.
12:05Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Gupta Pali.
12:07Mrs. Davis, nice to see you.
12:10You know, I recently read a fascinating article
12:12on infidelity among penguins.
12:14OK.
12:15So, if the fact that your husband left you
12:18makes you feel unattractive,
12:20just remember penguins get cheated on and they're adorable.
12:36It was better when you couldn't talk to women.
12:39Mrs. Davis.
12:41Mrs. Davis.
12:43I, uh...
12:44I must confess.
12:46I came here tonight in a futile attempt
12:48to pick up some lonely postdoc,
12:50but instead I got to connect with you at a human level.
12:54That's a...
12:55a much better evening.
12:58You're a lovely person.
13:00Are you hitting on me?
13:01No, no, no. That would be crazy.
13:03I mean, if I were hitting on you, you'd know it
13:05cos you'd feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
13:11You're sweet.
13:13Good night, Dr. Gupta Pali.
13:15Good night.
13:19Looks like she accepted your apology.
13:21And then some.
13:22I think we had a moment.
13:26Please, you did not have a moment.
13:27Who died and made you king of moments?
13:32OK, fine.
13:33Let's say there was a moment.
13:35There was.
13:36There wasn't, but...
13:37I mean, even if there was,
13:39what are you gonna do about it?
13:41I will slowly seduce her
13:43until she falls helpless into my bed,
13:46hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
13:48So nothing.
13:49No, not a thing.
13:50What's up?
13:51Well, Emily ran back to the hospital,
13:53so I'm just hanging out at her place.
13:55What are you, uh...
13:56What are you doing?
13:57Just playing video games
13:59while Bernie does the taxes.
14:01What are you, a little kid?
14:03Is she gonna cut your dinner into little pieces, too?
14:06She doesn't have to.
14:08I filled up on jelly beans.
14:12So, uh, what game are you...
14:14Oh, crap.
14:17What's wrong?
14:18I can't get Emily's nightstand to close.
14:20So?
14:21She's gonna know I was looking in it.
14:23Why were you looking in it?
14:25Well, there's a question I might have a good answer to
14:27before she gets back.
14:29OK, calm down.
14:31There's probably something jammed behind it.
14:33Just pull it out and see what's there.
14:35Hang on.
14:40Oh, no!
14:42Oh, God, no!
14:45You know what?
14:46You sound busy.
14:47I'm gonna let you go.
14:49Dude, the whole front came off.
14:51Now she's gonna know I was snooping.
14:53What's happening?
14:54Raj was snooping through Emily's drawers
14:56and broke one.
14:57Aw, I'm gonna miss her.
15:00Oh, did you know
15:02at the United Nations
15:03there's a department for outer space affairs?
15:06Really? Why?
15:07They exist in case we ever make contact
15:09with an alien civilization.
15:11Oh, boy, that's one of those jobs
15:13that's boring, boring, boring.
15:15Oh, God, where's the memo with what we do now?
15:21Oh, this is cool.
15:22So, a few weeks ago,
15:23I set up a fan page on Facebook for our band,
15:26and I...
15:27Wait a second.
15:28How could you do that without consulting me?
15:31It's not a big deal.
15:32It just took, like, five minutes to set up.
15:34That's not the point.
15:35When we created Footprints on the Moon,
15:38we agreed that every band decision would be mutual,
15:41and now you're just trying to take over the whole thing.
15:44You know, maybe I should go solo.
15:48Someone joined our page.
15:50We have an actual fan.
15:53All right, this thing's bigger than you and me.
15:55Band's back together.
15:58So, listen to what he wrote.
16:00I saw you play at the comic book store,
16:03you guys rock.
16:04And then there's an animated smiley face
16:06raising the roof like this.
16:10We did raise the roof that night.
16:12We totally did.
16:13Why do rock stars do drugs when this feels so great?
16:19Maybe we should post a comment back to our fan and thank him.
16:22What should we write?
16:24How about, uh...
16:25Oh, how about,
16:26we might be Footprints on the Moon,
16:28but your kind words sent us over the moon.
16:33Someday, you're gonna make an amazing grandma.
16:37What do you want to write?
16:38Something badass.
16:40Like, thanks for digging our vibe.
16:43We'll keep rocking
16:45if you keep rolling.
16:48Dude, if I was wearing a bra,
16:50I'd throw it at your head right now.
16:53I'll keep rocking.
16:54You don't do that.
16:55If you had a superpower
16:57and spent your whole life being told to suppress it,
17:00when you finally decide to embrace that power,
17:03why hide in isolation?
17:05I'm sorry,
17:06and how much money did your version of Frozen make?
17:12I'm just saying, instead of let it go,
17:13she should really sing
17:14Look At Me Hiding In A Freezer Like A Dove Bar.
17:17She built an ice castle,
17:19made a snow monster,
17:20and gave herself a complete makeover in one day.
17:23You know what I saw you do today?
17:24Eat a block of cream cheese straight from the foil
17:27and lie about it to your wife.
17:31Sorry for eavesdropping,
17:32but did you know they actually had the song Let It Go in place
17:35before they finalized the story?
17:37Yeah, that's true.
17:38In fact, they liked the song so much,
17:39they retooled the whole script around it.
17:41Which is probably why the movie sucks.
17:44Here we are talking about Frozen,
17:45and yet you got burned.
17:47I'm so sorry,
17:48but how can you not like that movie?
17:50I just think it gets more credit than it deserves.
17:52That's what I said an hour ago.
17:54Wow.
17:55You've been talking about Frozen for an hour?
17:59You should have seen us after The Good Dinosaur.
18:02It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period
18:06and it changed my life.
18:12I see you're reading Saga.
18:14Yeah, I hear it's pretty good.
18:16It is.
18:17And not a lot of comics have a woman with wings
18:19breastfeeding a baby right on the cover.
18:22I'll take your word for it.
18:24You should.
18:25He's really looked.
18:29I'm Raj, by the way.
18:31This is Howard.
18:32Hi.
18:33Claire.
18:34I've never seen you here before, Claire.
18:36It's my first time.
18:37I'm looking for inspiration for this movie I'm writing.
18:40You're a screenwriter?
18:41Well, screenwriter slash bartender
18:44slash a month away from living in my car.
18:49Yeah, I get that.
18:50I'm a scientist slash party planner
18:53slash small dog enthusiast
18:55slash guy who probably should have stopped at scientist.
19:00You're really a scientist?
19:02Astrophysicist.
19:03That's perfect.
19:04Do you think I could pick your brain for my movie sometime?
19:07It's animated sci-fi for kids.
19:09Sure, I love animated movies.
19:11He does, and he has the Lilo and Stitch collector plates to prove it.
19:16Excuse me for wanting a little magic in my life.
19:20Here's my number.
19:21Give me a call.
19:22We'll get together.
19:23Great.
19:24See ya.
19:25Yeah, bye.
19:26What are you doing?
19:27You have a girlfriend.
19:29So?
19:30So, how do you think she'd feel about you
19:32helping a beautiful girl with her screenplay?
19:35I wouldn't say she's beautiful.
19:36Really?
19:37You don't think she's attractive?
19:39I do, I just wouldn't tell my girlfriend.
19:42Okay, little one, here we are, back at home
19:45because you weren't quite ready to come out yet.
19:47You wanted to make an entrance.
19:49I get it.
19:52And here's your daddy.
19:56When he tries to tell you he used to be cool,
19:58you can see he wasn't.
20:03All right, enough with the camera.
20:05What? This is not for me.
20:06This is for the baby.
20:07Someday she's going to want to see this.
20:10I'm sorry.
20:12Who's going to want to see this?
20:13Want to see this?
20:16I said she, but lots of things are she.
20:20Boats, cars, whales.
20:23The she blows!
20:27You're doing great.
20:30Hush.
20:31Okay, I'm going to sign off now.
20:33This next part may contain some dull language.
20:36How could you?
20:37You made it this far without knowing,
20:39and you've ruined it.
20:40Well, you guys have no idea
20:41how hard it is to know something like this
20:43and not say it.
20:45You told me it was a girl, and I didn't say it.
20:48You were supposed to keep that to yourself.
20:51Oh, yeah.
20:52I guess it is hard.
20:57I don't get how you can enjoy cricket.
21:00It makes no sense.
21:01Did you just come here to complain?
21:03Yeah, that's the sport of my people.
21:07Oh, that's Ravi Chandran Ashwin.
21:09He's amazing.
21:10He makes Hardik Pandya look like Bhuvaneshwar Kumar.
21:14Whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:15Save some syllables for the rest of us.
21:18Hey, I think that's Bernadette's friend over there.
21:22Oh, yeah.
21:23Hey, Ruchi.
21:26I hope this isn't awkward.
21:28The last time we met, I kind of embarrassed myself.
21:30Let's see if you can go two for two.
21:33Hey, guys.
21:34Hey.
21:35Are you here by yourself?
21:36Yeah.
21:37I couldn't convince anyone to come watch cricket with me.
21:39Tell me about it.
21:40I had to drag this guy.
21:44You're more than welcome to join us, if you'd like.
21:45Thanks.
21:51What'd she say?
21:56Ah, that clears that up.
21:59She's telling the bowler to bowl a yorker.
22:01It's the most brutal ball in cricket.
22:03I was at the match when Shobh bowled back-to-back yorkers.
22:07Well, I was there, too.
22:08What a coincidence.
22:09Well, there were 120,000 people at that match, so...
22:12Yeah, India, right?
22:14Everywhere you go, there's, like, 120,000 people.
22:18So what do you think of our chances at the World Cup?
22:21Ah, World Cup.
22:22You know, it'll all depend if Kohli's batting in form.
22:24I know.
22:25It doesn't even matter how many all-rounders you have.
22:27Isn't that the truth?
22:29You know, I was the best leg-spinner in my high school.
22:31Yeah, like, I bowled the meanest googly.
22:34Speaking of googlys, I'm gonna go.
22:38Well, this party's a disaster.
22:40Don't blame the party.
22:41You know how many favors I had to call in
22:43with my bounce-house guy to get Wonder Woman?
22:47Is that Wonder Woman?
22:51Technically, it's a Chinese knock-off
22:53called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.
22:56Then I take it back.
22:57It's a great party.
22:59You know what? You can sit here and sulk if you want.
23:01I'm gonna go celebrate Hallie's first birthday,
23:03which I planned with no help from anyone.
23:05Which I planned with no help from you.
23:07What are you doing?
23:09It's a bounce-house. I'm gonna go bounce in it.
23:13You're supposed to take your shoes off
23:15before you go in there.
23:19You know what?
23:21I'm stressed about my daughter's birthday party.
23:23I don't need your attitude.
23:25Well, I worked really hard on this,
23:27and you haven't even said thank you.
23:29I'm sorry. Thank you.
23:31Thank you for blaming me for everything that's wrong in your life.
23:33Thank you for walking out on our friendship.
23:35You are welcome.
23:37And thank you for mocking me for all of these years.
23:39Thank you for making it so easy.
23:43Why are you being such a jerk?
23:45Because you're my best friend,
23:47and you hurt my feelings.
23:49Well, you're my best friend.
23:51You hurt my feelings.
23:55I can't believe you shoved me.
23:59I can't believe you shoved me.
24:01I can't believe you shoved me.
24:03But it was kind of fun, wasn't it?
24:05It was. Do it again, badly.
24:09Okay, now at the same time.
24:13That was awesome.
24:15Okay, this time, knees, then feet.
24:17One, two, three.
24:19Okay, don't be weird.
24:21Don't be weird. Don't be weird.
24:23Hello.
24:25Hey, you found my drone.
24:27Yeah, yes.
24:29I tried to track you down,
24:31but to see the look on your face, it was worth it.
24:33Aw, sweet.
24:35Rajesh.
24:37Cynthia.
24:39Pleasure to meet you.
24:41Likewise.
24:43I feel like I should give you a reward or something.
24:45Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
24:47No, I insist.
24:49How about your phone number?
24:51Give me your phone.
24:55Yeah, thanks.
24:57Great, Rajesh.
24:59And thanks again.
25:01Sure.
25:05Just checking.
25:11I have a good feeling about this girl.
25:13Like, we really hit it off.
25:15Stop flagging it around.
25:17You're gonna break it.
25:19Why do you care?
25:21Because we have to give it back to the beautiful mystery girl.
25:23Aw.
25:25Abi, did you see how hot she was?
25:27I want to get all up on that and start making babies!
25:31I know exactly what underwear
25:33I'm going to wear on our first date.
25:35None!