Donald Trump addressed the nation last night, he spoke for 99 minutes with no intermission, there was plenty of Biden-bashing, one of the crazy things he brought up was about “Transgender Mice,” Marco Rubio got a shoutout, Republicans slobbered over Trump for the entire night, Bernie Sanders gave a powerful rebuttal that was downright poetic, there are now at least 159 cases of measles in Texas, RFK Jr is in a tough spot since most of those cases are spreading in an area with a largely unvaccinated population, Attorney General Pam Bondi promised a “truckload” of new Epstein information, someone used Elon’s AI Engine GROK to ask a question about the likelihood of Trump being a Russian asset, and since more than 30,000 federal employees have been fired by Elon Musk and DOGE - we invited newly-unemployed Nate Vince who was the sole locksmith at Yosemite National Park to work for the night.
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About Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you guys so much.
00:02Thanks for coming out to see us here.
00:04And please, relax.
00:07It's a rare rainy day here in Los Angeles.
00:12Did you wear your cute boots to work today, Gary?
00:14Yeah, of course, Jimmy.
00:15Of course.
00:16It's a great opportunity to wear your cute boots.
00:18Today's Ash Wednesday also.
00:19You know, it's a bummer when it rains on Ash Wednesday.
00:21You don't even get credit because the ash wash is over your head.
00:25I like to fill in the smudge with a Sharpie
00:27to make sure my mother sees it and it sticks.
00:30This year for Lent, we are giving up democracy here in this country.
00:35Last night, Donald Trump addressed the nation.
00:37I don't know if you heard, but he's president again.
00:40And I was surprised, too.
00:42But he spoke for 99 minutes last night with no intermission.
00:45It was the longest presidential address in more than 60 years.
00:49Why is it that the orchestra can play off an Oscar winner,
00:53but not the president?
00:55Trump's speech went on so long.
00:57His speech was 10 minutes longer than the Lion King.
01:01True.
01:02And had twice as much lion in it, so.
01:06I was reading this morning.
01:10Do you know how many times Trump lied during his speech last night?
01:1411 million.
01:17Three fact checkers died adding it up.
01:20Not everyone was a fan of the King's speech.
01:22One gentleman on social media, I think summed it up pretty well.
01:25He wrote, that may be the angriest, least compassionate,
01:27worst State of the Union speech ever made.
01:29It was an embarrassment to our country.
01:31Oh, wait.
01:32That was what Trump wrote about Biden's speech last year.
01:35Well, he topped it.
01:36There was plenty of Biden bashing last night.
01:39Trump said Biden was the worst president in history.
01:42He blamed him for the price of eggs.
01:44He said a lot of crazy stuff.
01:45But this is one that really stood out for me.
01:47As he pretended to be concerned about cutting costs and rooting out fraud
01:51and all this, he made the claim that under Biden,
01:53the federal government was spending $8 million on this.
01:57$8 million for making mice transgender.
02:04This is real.
02:06No, it's not.
02:09You know, you hear the president of the United States say
02:11we're spending $8 million to do sex change operations on mice.
02:14You say, well, I'm sure he's exaggerating, but there must be something there.
02:17Turns out there's not.
02:19It's not real.
02:20The government spent money on transgenic mice,
02:23which are genetically modified mice they use in lab tests to study disease.
02:28It has nothing to do with being transgender,
02:31other than the word, the trans part of the word.
02:34You think they know this and just ignore it,
02:36or are they so dumb they don't know how to Google?
02:39Or maybe they think we're so dumb we don't know how to Google.
02:42I don't know.
02:43They're turning Mickeys into minis and minis into Mickeys.
02:47No, they're just trying to cure dementia and heart disease,
02:49which you would think Trump would be for,
02:51seeing as how they are both coming for him real soon.
02:59Marco Rubio, who gave up his job as senator to become Secretary of State,
03:04he's the guy who looked like he was about to cry last week
03:07during that meeting with Zelensky.
03:08He got a shout out from the president,
03:10as Trump boasted about conquering many new and exciting canals.
03:15To further enhance our national security,
03:17my administration will be reclaiming the Panama Canal,
03:22and we've already started doing it.
03:26Just today a large American company announced
03:29they are buying both ports around the Panama Canal.
03:34We gave it to Panama and we're taking it back.
03:39And we have Marco Rubio in charge.
03:42Good luck, Marco.
03:45Now we know who to blame if anything goes wrong.
03:50Yeah, he'll be the first to go.
03:51He's the first one fired.
03:52He's done.
03:53Call Random House.
03:54Little Marco has a book to pitch real soon.
03:56The Democrats didn't give the president much in the way of enthusiasm last night.
04:00They did not applaud.
04:01And of course he whined about that afterwards.
04:03But Republicans more than made up for it.
04:06Can you imagine going into a room and being forced to stand up
04:09and applaud for somebody?
04:11Oh, that happened here tonight?
04:15It's different for me.
04:17You know, it's not...
04:19It isn't...
04:20Oh, wait a minute.
04:22Did you hit the button?
04:28Every time when the president is standing in front of his party,
04:32it isn't unusual for them to support, to slobber over every word
04:36and clap like a bunch of seals eating sardines.
04:38But the adulation for this man, who by every inside account
04:43is considered by most of them to be an imbecile.
04:46But when the cameras are on, man, oh, man,
04:48they cannot get enough of everything he says.
04:51We are going to conquer the vast frontiers of science
04:55and we are going to lead humanity into space
04:58and plant the American flag on the planet Mars
05:02and even far beyond.
05:07This is a time for big dreams and bold action.
05:10I will do away with red traffic lights.
05:13Only green from now on.
05:15Keep it moving.
05:17America's momentum is back.
05:19Our spirit is back.
05:21And measles are back.
05:23We love our measles, don't we?
05:25Little spots.
05:26Bing, bing, bing.
05:27So cool.
05:28So itchy.
05:29I've had them on my balls.
05:31Big good.
05:32I also signed an executive order
05:35to ban women from having their periods.
05:38It's demeaning for women and it's very bad for our country.
05:42Melania says it's that time of the month, all month.
05:46She's fantastic.
05:47So much menstruation, Melania.
05:52Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.
05:56Clap, butt heads.
05:59That's right.
06:00That's right.
06:02So then after his speech, Congresswoman Alyssa Slotkin
06:06from Michigan gave the Democratic response.
06:09She was good, but she used the word fraught.
06:11And that's just not going to work.
06:13Trump's screaming Pocahontas.
06:15She's saying the election was fraught.
06:17That's our problem right there.
06:19The more powerful rebuttal came from 138-year-old Bernie Sanders
06:22of Vermont, whose response to the president was downright poetic.
06:26Trump claimed that the 2020 election was stolen from him
06:31and that he won by a landslide.
06:33Remember that?
06:34A lie.
06:36Trump claimed that the January 6th insurrection was a day of love.
06:41A lie.
06:42Trump has claimed that millions of undocumented people
06:46voted and do vote in American elections.
06:50A lie.
06:51Trump has claimed that climate change is a hoax originating in China.
06:56A lie.
06:57Trump has claimed that Ukraine started the horrific war with Russia.
07:02A lie.
07:04I could listen to that for an hour.
07:06That is the Vermont version of a diss track.
07:09He's like, Bernie is like Kendrick Lamar in orthopedic shoes.
07:13This great character, he's trying to strike a chord,
07:22and it's probably a minor.
07:25I never loved the next generation of Democrats.
07:30You know, everyone says Democrats are too passive, too nice,
07:33play by the rules, they eat pop chips without dip on them.
07:36But those who say that, may I introduce you to
07:39Representative Jasmine Crockett from the great state of Texas.
07:42This is not what we should be doing.
07:44I don't even know why we fight with Greenland.
07:45Why we fight with Greenland?
07:46We fight with Canada.
07:47We fight with Mexico.
07:49Yeah, we in love with Putin.
07:51What is happening?
07:52Like, this is not America.
07:54This is a terrible nightmare.
07:55Somebody slap me and wake me the f*** up,
07:57because I'm ready to get old with it.
08:00That's more in line with what we need.
08:04Crockett giving it to Tubbs, you know?
08:07There are now at least 159 cases of measles in Texas.
08:11It has also spread to Georgia, Kentucky, New York, California.
08:16It's all over the studio right now.
08:18And today we learned that Florida has joined the outbreak club.
08:22But don't worry, our Secretary of Health and Human Services
08:25is all over it.
08:26Our Secretary of Health and Human Services is all over it.
08:29RFK Jr. says, do not fear.
08:31Outbreaks of measles are, quote, not unusual.
08:34And he's right.
08:35They're not unusual.
08:36They're unheard of.
08:37Because we eliminated measles 25 years ago.
08:40But now, for a limited time only, they're back.
08:43The outbreak in Texas just so happens to be spreading
08:46in an area that has a largely unvaccinated population.
08:49What are the odds?
08:50I don't know.
08:51And that's putting Bobby Brainworm in a tough spot.
08:54Not bad.
08:55That said, vaccines not only protect individual children
08:58from measles, but also contribute to community immunity,
09:01protecting those who are unable to be vaccinated
09:04due to medical reasons.
09:05OK, good.
09:06All true.
09:07But, and there's always a but, the decision to vaccinate
09:10is a personal one.
09:11Right?
09:12Listen, so is the decision to work out shirtless in jeans.
09:17Doesn't mean it's a good decision.
09:19You can't stop measles unless everybody gets vaccinated.
09:22The top spokesperson for the Department of Health
09:24and Human Services has already resigned over his boss's
09:27handling of the outbreak.
09:28You know things are bad when a guy who was willing to work
09:31for RFK Jr. is no longer willing to work for RFK Jr.
09:35They're having a lot of personnel issues at the HHS.
09:37This is their leadership structure right now.
09:39This is from their official website.
09:41You have RFK Jr. at the top, HHS Secretary.
09:44And below him, Deputy Secretary vacant.
09:47Which, I have more faith in Deputy Secretary vacant
09:51right now than I do in RFK.
09:53RFK Jr. has admitted to having flown on Jeffrey Epstein's
09:58private plane at least two times, which is a conundrum
10:02for the conspiracy crowd that loves him.
10:04Trump's Attorney General Pam Bondi, who promised
10:07a truckload of new Epstein information, now says
10:10the next batch of files may be redacted
10:13for national security reasons.
10:15National security.
10:17I know he had a plane.
10:18Did Jeffrey Epstein have a UFO they flew on?
10:21Who could possibly be implicated that plays a role
10:24in national security?
10:26Would you declassify the 9-11 files?
10:29Yeah.
10:30Would you declassify JFK files?
10:31Yeah.
10:32I did a lot of it.
10:34Would you declassify the Epstein files?
10:36Yeah.
10:37Yeah, I would.
10:38All right.
10:39I guess I would.
10:40I wish I could see the little hamster wheel
10:41turning in his head right now.
10:43Give me my Sharpie.
10:44I may need to redact some things.
10:45Let's be honest.
10:46The reason this is taking so long is because Trump
10:48and Jeffrey Epstein spent more time on planes together
10:51than the Wright brothers.
10:52They will release Diddy before they release
10:55all the Epstein files unredacted.
10:57But one thing they are releasing is thousands
10:59of federal workers.
11:00Elon and the Dogebros have been reportedly using AI
11:05to decide which federal employees to fire,
11:08which is interesting because someone used
11:10Elon's own AI engine, which is called Grok,
11:13to answer the following question.
11:14They wrote, what is the likelihood from 1 to 100
11:17that Trump is a Putin-compromised asset?
11:20Use all publicly available information from 1980 on.
11:23And this is the response from Elon's AI.
11:26Weighing the decades-long opaque and substantial
11:29financial ties, intelligence suggesting Russian intent,
11:32and Trump's unwavering refusal to criticize Putin
11:35despite attacking allies.
11:36Tilt the scale.
11:37The lack of transparency, e.g.
11:39hiding tax returns, seizing interpreter notes
11:42after Putin talks.
11:43Amplify suspicion.
11:44No smoking gun proves direct control.
11:46But the useful idiot scenario where Trump's ego and debts
11:50make him unwillingly pliable fits the evidence.
11:53Adjusting for uncertainty and alternative explanations,
11:56i.e. ideological alignment or naivete,
11:59I estimate that 75% to 85% likelihood Trump
12:03is a Putin-compromised asset leaning toward the higher end
12:07due to consistency of his behavior and the depth
12:10of his historical ties.
12:12Well, I mean, if that's good enough to fire somebody,
12:16grok him up.
12:17Because 85% is very high.
12:22And then we learned today that Trump
12:24is cutting off both weapons and military intelligence
12:28to Ukraine.
12:29So maybe we bump that up to 90%.
12:31More than 30,000 federal employees
12:33have been fired by Elon Musk and Doge so far.
12:36He's taking that dumb chainsaw of his to the VA,
12:39the Health and Human Services, Defense Department,
12:41State Department, Education, Energy, Agriculture,
12:44the CDC, the FAA, the IRS, maybe most inexplicably of all,
12:48the National Park Service.
12:49One of the best things about this country
12:51is our national parks.
12:53They are a gift to all of us.
12:56And that's largely thanks to the people
12:58who devote their lives to protect and maintain them
13:01for very little pay.
13:02And I want to introduce you to one of those people now.
13:04This guy just lost his job at Yosemite National Park
13:07for no good reason, courtesy Elon and the Doge Bros.
13:10Please say hello to the newly unemployed Nate Vince.
13:14Nate, come on out, Nate.
13:16That's where Nate works.
13:18This is Nate.
13:21Welcome.
13:22Thank you for coming.
13:23Now, Nate, you weren't, correct me
13:25if I have any of this wrong, you were the sole locksmith
13:28at Yosemite National.
13:29That's correct.
13:30750,000 acres.
13:32You're the only guy that's there to get somebody out
13:35if they get, like, trapped in the bathroom?
13:37There's people, other people with keys.
13:39But if those locks start to fail,
13:40then, yeah, those people are screwed.
13:42Those people will be in the bathroom
13:43for the whole rest of their lives.
13:45How are there chances that we could trick Elon Musk
13:48into going into one of those bathrooms?
13:51I don't know.
13:52With a bear is what I propose.
13:53But I don't know what the trick is.
13:55Getting him to go to the park would be a challenge.
13:57Yeah, would be interesting.
13:58How did you find out that you were being let go?
14:00Via email.
14:01From an email.
14:02You had no idea it was coming.
14:03Nope.
14:04You hadn't done anything wrong.
14:05Nope.
14:06You hadn't been warned anything.
14:07Nope.
14:08You've been actively protesting these fires of yourself
14:11and your co-workers.
14:12Yeah.
14:13You are the guy who hung this.
14:14You remember?
14:15You see this in the news.
14:16That flag hung upside down, a distressing one
14:19on top of him.
14:20Nate, you hung that flag.
14:23A group of us, yeah.
14:24A group of you.
14:25You guys have been protesting.
14:26You're organizing protests.
14:28What we wanted to do, you know, there's
14:29only so much we can do.
14:30We want to give you a little job so you can make a little bit
14:32of money during this time.
14:33OK.
14:34So what I would love you to do, if you would be so kind,
14:37is we've not had a locksmith on staff at our show.
14:40We would like you to put a lock on the minibar
14:44in Guillermo's dressing room.
14:46Because we're worried he may be drinking too much.
14:49So, Guillermo, would you mind showing
14:51Nate to your dressing room?
14:53OK.
14:54Come on, let's go.
14:55Yes, show Nate to your dressing room.
14:56Thank you, Nate.
14:57Thanks.
14:58That's Nate Vins.
14:59We're going to check back in on them in a minute.
15:02Let's check in with Nate, our now former locksmith
15:05at Yosemite National Park.
15:07How's it going over there, Nate?
15:09Just finished up.
15:10Oh, great.
15:11Wow, you did that with such ease, such grace.
15:14Guillermo, are you upset about this?
15:18Yeah, this is not good, Jimmy.
15:19This is terrible.
15:20Nate, will you make sure it's extra strong?
15:23Because he'll gnaw through that lock like a rat or something,
15:26OK?
15:27Yeah, I'll take care of it.
15:29Don't wrestle over the knife, Guillermo.
15:31Come on now.
15:32All right, thank you, Nate.
15:33We wish you the best.
15:34Thanks so much.
15:35Thanks for being here, Jimmy.