Wife Like - Full Exclusive Action Thriller Movie - Hollywood English Movie HD - Christina Moses
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I
00:00:30It's locked, unlocked.
00:00:31What are you talking about?
00:00:32Come on, come on, come on.
00:00:33Shit, I left the keys in the car.
00:00:34You left the keys in the car?
00:00:35I didn't mean to.
00:00:36Shit.
00:00:37OK, on three.
00:00:38Why three?
00:00:39Because that's just what you do.
00:00:40You don't ask.
00:00:41When I say go, throw them in.
00:00:42Fine.
00:00:43Go.
00:00:44That works.
00:00:45We're counting next time.
00:00:46It's unlocked.
00:00:47Go.
00:00:48On three.
00:00:49Why three?
00:00:50Because that's just what you do.
00:00:51You don't ask.
00:00:52When I say go, throw them in.
00:00:53Fine.
00:00:54Go.
00:00:55That works.
00:00:56We're counting next time.
00:00:57It's unlocked.
00:00:58Go.
00:01:00On three, never mind.
00:01:01What I plan to...
00:01:17Hello.
00:01:18No, she's not here yet.
00:01:19You told her I'm wearing a green striped shirt, right?
00:01:22It's my favorite shirt.
00:01:24It's greenish?
00:01:26No. What? No, I have nowhere else to go.
00:01:31Dan, no, not again. No, no, no, no, no.
00:01:33You know there's no chance of that happening.
00:01:36I have no... I wouldn't even know how to order it.
00:01:38What does neat even mean?
00:01:41No. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
00:01:46Hello?
00:01:56Oh.
00:02:08Ted?
00:02:10Marie?
00:02:11Yes.
00:02:12Oh, sorry.
00:02:16Yeah, thank you.
00:02:18Ow.
00:02:19You all right?
00:02:20Yeah. You?
00:02:21Yeah, I'm great, thanks.
00:02:22Great. How are you?
00:02:23I'm fine.
00:02:25How are you?
00:02:26Eh, yeah.
00:02:27You look great. You look really good.
00:02:30Thank you. You...
00:02:33Okay. So how is your drive over here?
00:02:37My drive is fine. I live close by, so...
00:02:40Oh, what's your address?
00:02:42I mean, how do you know Dan?
00:02:44Your brother? I don't, actually.
00:02:46He dated a girl.
00:02:48Oh, who?
00:02:49Ellie.
00:02:51Do you know her?
00:02:54Apparently not.
00:02:55What is that supposed to mean?
00:02:56It means what I said it means, no.
00:02:58Kind of seems personal.
00:03:00It's... I don't know. It's none of your business.
00:03:02What is your problem?
00:03:03I don't have a problem. You have a problem.
00:03:04No, I don't. You're being rude.
00:03:06Good evening. My name is Rebecca.
00:03:09Can I start you off with something to drink?
00:03:12I'll have a Pilsner, please.
00:03:13Okay, great. And for you, sir?
00:03:15And I will have the same, but neat.
00:03:17I'm sorry, neat?
00:03:18Yeah, neat. Or whatever you recommend that's neat.
00:03:20Vodka?
00:03:21Sure.
00:03:22Great.
00:03:23Can you add a bourbon to that, please?
00:03:25Yes, absolutely.
00:03:28I felt like that meant something, but I'm not...
00:03:30Yeah, I just want to put it out there that I'm not really looking for anything serious.
00:03:33Just a friend, if that even.
00:03:35I got out of something recently.
00:03:38Didn't end well.
00:03:39Tell me about it.
00:03:40No, I'd rather not.
00:03:41No, that's not what I meant. I meant I'm relieved that you...
00:03:43You're relieved that I got out of something that didn't end well?
00:03:46Not the way you're mad at.
00:03:48Bourbon and vodka.
00:03:52Drink that fast?
00:04:02Ah!
00:04:03Geez!
00:04:04No!
00:04:05Whoa! Whoa!
00:04:07That's so terrible!
00:04:08What's going on?
00:04:09What's going on? What is wrong with you?
00:04:11I don't know what to order. I've never had a drink before.
00:04:13Okay, okay, okay. Just drink that. Get the taste out of it.
00:04:16Thank you. It smells pretty good.
00:04:19I'm so sorry.
00:04:20Fuck!
00:04:21That's terrible.
00:04:22What?
00:04:23That tastes like throw up.
00:04:24I thought beer was supposed to be refreshing. It's not refreshing.
00:04:26You still look nice, I promise.
00:04:28Oh, my God.
00:04:29Is everything okay over here?
00:04:30I have no idea.
00:04:31A little spill, but other than that, we're all good, I think.
00:04:33Can I have a fucking napkin?
00:04:35Yes.
00:04:36Let's probably get that one out of here. I don't want that anymore.
00:04:38And I'll take another one, please.
00:04:40Excuse you? No, he will not have another drink.
00:04:42Excuse you? You're ordering for me now?
00:04:44You should give me the friend speech 30 seconds ago.
00:04:46Okay, one, you just put beer all over my goddamn face,
00:04:48and two, you realize we don't know each other, right?
00:04:50Yeah, I'm sorry.
00:04:51Yeah.
00:04:52You know, I'm gonna take the check.
00:04:53Yes, thank you.
00:04:56Why did you even drink all of it?
00:04:59There's no ice in it.
00:05:00Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
00:05:02No.
00:05:03Here you go.
00:05:04Don't worry about it.
00:05:06It's on the house.
00:05:07Really?
00:05:08She gave me more this time.
00:05:09Stop.
00:05:11You're right, I may have a drinking problem.
00:05:13You're an idiot.
00:05:16That's fair.
00:05:17So I'm gonna go.
00:05:19Wait.
00:05:20Good night.
00:05:21Where are you going?
00:05:22Good night.
00:05:23Um.
00:05:24Wait.
00:05:25What?
00:05:26Can I get a ride?
00:05:27No.
00:05:28You don't have a car?
00:05:30Or a license.
00:05:31Whatever.
00:05:46Hey, it's Ellie.
00:05:47Leave a message.
00:05:48Yeah, Ellie.
00:05:49You're gonna have to tell me what the fuck I did to you.
00:05:51I mean, my first night out and you set me up with the most, I don't know, rude, nervous,
00:05:56dysfunctional friggin' boy scout I have ever met.
00:05:58You know what?
00:05:59All I wanted to do was get fuckin' pounded tonight.
00:06:01That's it.
00:06:02Was that so hard to ask?
00:06:04I'm just gonna go slut it up downtown.
00:06:07I don't know.
00:06:15Fuck.
00:06:39Fuck.
00:06:41Ted.
00:06:43Yeah?
00:06:45Get in.
00:06:46Seriously?
00:06:47Yeah, hurry up before I remember what happened.
00:07:03So, where am I taking you?
00:07:06Well, I'm not going to my brother's tonight, so I'm not going to my dad's.
00:07:10Are you four years old?
00:07:11Just take me to my brother's place.
00:07:12There's a treehouse there.
00:07:13It's got a nice little ladder and blanket.
00:07:15Where?
00:07:16Oh, it's in Watercress on the east side.
00:07:18Other side of town.
00:07:19Yeah.
00:07:20Awesome.
00:07:21Listen, I'm sorry about dinner and the drive, but if it's worth noting, I feel pretty good.
00:07:31You're not gonna be saying that tomorrow morning.
00:07:33Probably not.
00:07:34Whether it's through the neat vodka or what just happened is the real question.
00:07:37Should you be driving, actually?
00:07:39You can just say vodka.
00:07:40You don't have to say neat.
00:07:42It's just how you order it if you don't want ice.
00:07:44Oh.
00:07:46So, for future reference, if I didn't want to order something that tastes like a neat vodka, I mean a vodka, or like that drink, then what would I order?
00:07:52Dry vermouth is good.
00:07:53Dry vermouth.
00:07:54Sounds refreshing.
00:07:56So, that was your first time drinking?
00:07:59Yeah.
00:08:00How?
00:08:02My ex, mainly.
00:08:05Was she going to let you drink?
00:08:07No.
00:08:08No, we started dating in the fourth grade and decided to give our life to the big guy upstairs.
00:08:13So, he doesn't really like drinking too much.
00:08:16At least that explains your personality.
00:08:19So, how long were you guys together?
00:08:21Sixteen years, five months, two weeks, a couple days, and give or take a few hours.
00:08:25Five.
00:08:29So, have you ever been with an...
00:08:34Are you a...
00:08:39No.
00:08:42She's not.
00:08:44Have she slept with somebody?
00:08:46A few somebodies, to be specific.
00:08:49Sorry.
00:08:52So, you live with your brother?
00:08:55Yeah. He kind of owes me, but it's fine.
00:08:57Why?
00:08:58Oh, because he slept with her too.
00:09:01I'm tired.
00:09:02Yeah, well, alcohol will have that effect.
00:09:04I'm trying to remember the first time I ever got drunk.
00:09:08I think it was the sixth grade.
00:09:11Wow.
00:09:15Ted?
00:09:19Ted, wake up! You have to tell me how to get to your brother's house.
00:09:27Ted!
00:09:29Ted!
00:09:34Are you fucking kidding me?
00:09:59Hey.
00:10:04Evening, ma'am.
00:10:05Officer.
00:10:06I'm Ron. I'm with the DEA.
00:10:09Hey, Ron.
00:10:10Shut the fuck up.
00:10:15Is there something wrong, officer?
00:10:18This car fits a description, so we'll see.
00:10:22Any car matches a description.
00:10:24Do you want me to make you deep throat that stick shift?
00:10:29I'm going to need to see your driver's license.
00:10:32Are you going to tell your dog fucking Mormon idiot boyfriend to get the registration out of the glove box?
00:10:38Oh, I'm not her boyfriend.
00:10:41I will literally beat you to death with your own hand if you speak again.
00:10:54I'll be right back.
00:10:58What the fuck?
00:11:14So look, don't call me again unless the words yes and $50,000 are coming out of your stupid fucking mouth.
00:11:22Yes.
00:11:28Dispatch, I need you to run some information for me.
00:11:31Go for dispatch.
00:11:34Female named Marie Walker.
00:11:38And that's Marie with an M.
00:11:47Yes, that's Marie with an M.
00:11:50And Walker with a W.
00:11:55Yes, ma'am. That is a Walker with a W.
00:11:59Much like the word walk also starts with a W.
00:12:05One moment.
00:12:06Fuck.
00:12:17Marie Walker, two moving violations, outstanding warrant.
00:12:28Oh, how cute. Is he a light sleeper?
00:12:32I don't, I don't know.
00:12:34I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle, ma'am.
00:12:37For what? No, that's, that's not necessary. I, I didn't do anything.
00:12:42Get out of the car now.
00:12:48Come on, man.
00:12:54I don't see why this is necessary. You haven't even told me why you're pulling me over.
00:12:58Put your hands against the car.
00:13:00Is that really necessary?
00:13:03Do you have any weapons on you? No.
00:13:06I do. Remember that.
00:13:10Hey, stop it. Stop.
00:13:14Okay, hey, hey, stop, stop. Ted!
00:13:22Do not...
00:13:27call for him again.
00:13:30Understand me?
00:13:36Remember, I know where your parents live, Marie Walker.
00:13:44So why don't we start doing things the way I say?
00:13:54Okay.
00:13:59Okay.
00:14:15Hey!
00:14:30Ted!
00:14:33Holy fucking shit! What the fuck just happened? How did the fuck?
00:14:37I took it. How did it happen?
00:14:39Holy fuck!
00:14:41Is he dead?
00:14:42How? I don't know. Yeah.
00:14:45Is he dead?
00:14:46Fuck!
00:14:47Okay, okay.
00:14:48We should do CPR. We should do CPR.
00:14:50CPR does not work if someone just got shot in the head.
00:14:53Oh, my God. We're going to go to prison.
00:14:55We can't go to prison, okay?
00:14:57Just, okay, public road.
00:14:59We just need to get his body out of here.
00:15:01Help me drag his body to the car.
00:15:03Drag his body to the car?
00:15:05Yes, we can't just leave him here.
00:15:07We are not going to call the police.
00:15:09Yes, we are.
00:15:10No.
00:15:11Okay, when they get here, what do you suppose that we're going to tell them?
00:15:13The truth.
00:15:14That is not going to work.
00:15:15Yes, it will.
00:15:16You spit all over me, so I smell like a brewery, and you are clearly drunk.
00:15:20No, it'll work.
00:15:21Okay, so tell me. Go on.
00:15:24All right, so we were driving, and then we were coming back from a date.
00:15:26We had a couple drinks, and then...
00:15:27Oh, so we were driving drunk.
00:15:28Mm-hmm. Continue.
00:15:29But then he removed you from the car.
00:15:31I was sleeping, so I didn't see it, and then I heard you scream,
00:15:33and that's when he forced himself on you.
00:15:35That's why you're screaming, so I snuck around, and then I punched him.
00:15:37Assaulting an officer? Go on.
00:15:39But then he fell back, and he was going to shoot us.
00:15:42He was going to shoot us, so we fumbled his gun in the air,
00:15:44and we both just happened to grab it at the same time
00:15:46and accidentally shoot him in the face.
00:15:49I'll get his legs.
00:15:50Yeah.
00:15:51Wait.
00:15:52We have to move his car.
00:15:54Move his car, and then see if there's something that we can wrap his body in.
00:15:58What'd I find in the car that'll wrap him?
00:16:00Just look.
00:16:02Move his car off the road, obviously, yeah?
00:16:07Okay, one of my fingerprints. Move the car.
00:16:09Where are the keys?
00:16:11I'm going to throw up.
00:16:13Okay.
00:16:14It's a dead body. I just killed it.
00:16:16Okay. It's a dead body. I just killed it.
00:16:18Just call the police. What are you doing?
00:16:20Call the police. Call the police. Call the police.
00:16:22Call the police. Call the police. Call the police.
00:16:43What are you doing? Can you hurry up?
00:16:45Jesus fucking Christ.
00:16:47Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I was—
00:16:49Sorry.
00:17:022-3-8, are you there?
00:17:04I'll send an additional unit.
00:17:082-3-8.
00:17:102-3-8, last call.
00:17:12Are you calling for—
00:17:13No, 2-3-8 is code 7.
00:17:16Code 7?
00:17:19No, code 4, 5, 4.
00:17:26Did you say code 5 or code 4?
00:17:354?
00:17:37Good night, 2-3-8.
00:17:44Good night.
00:18:03Okay, so what now?
00:18:05Now we get rid of the body.
00:18:07We get rid of the body?
00:18:09Yeah, get rid of the body, and then just never see each other or speak about this ever again.
00:18:14So how do you want to get rid of the body?
00:18:16I don't know. Bury it or something.
00:18:19No.
00:18:20What are you talking about? We can't bury it.
00:18:27Ted, listen to me.
00:18:30A lot has happened in the last ten minutes, but I need you to just listen.
00:18:39What I'm asking you to do is not okay for anyone to ask of anyone, but I—
00:18:44That guy grabbed me and put his hands on me and violated me and tried—
00:18:55And if you hadn't come back—
00:18:59So, thank you.
00:19:03Seth.
00:19:07I would not have guessed this earlier, no offense, but you're really brave.
00:19:14No, just—
00:19:15Hold on a second.
00:19:19I'm telling you, what happened back there looks like we attacked and killed a police officer, and no one is going to believe our story.
00:19:27And I did something crazy a while back that almost cost me everything, and I cannot, I will not spend my life in prison.
00:19:34And in papers, being a cop killer and making that disgusting human being look like a victim.
00:19:42And then my parents seeing.
00:19:45So if you need to call the cops or go right now, I understand.
00:19:53I owe you that much at least.
00:19:57But if not, I can really use the help.
00:20:12I don't think I can.
00:20:19Right.
00:20:27Unless you have a shovel in that purse.
00:20:34Did you just crack a joke?
00:20:36Yeah, I did. I don't know, it's unlike me, I know, but I'm still drunk, I think, so—
00:20:43It's about time, you should be laughing, but—
00:20:45We should probably burn the car too, though, right? Better safe than sorry, until they do.
00:20:48Yippee-ki-yay.
00:20:52Pardon?
00:20:57Yeah.
00:21:00The wipe's in there, start wiping yourself off.
00:21:02And I need to get clean, too.
00:21:06What are you doing? No, hand me a wipe.
00:21:09Jesus.
00:21:10Okay, we need a shovel. It's 11 o'clock. What hardware store is open after 11 o'clock?
00:21:147-Eleven.
00:21:16A hardware store.
00:21:17It's kind of halfway.
00:21:19Okay, Tony's General Store is our best bet, and I think they have clothes, too.
00:21:22We need air freshener, hand sanitizer, rope, shovel, duct tape, and bleach.
00:21:28It's like you've done this before.
00:21:44So, by General Store, did you mean gas station?
00:21:47Okay, well, it says General Store on the outside.
00:21:50It says Speedy's Car Wash and Gas Station. It doesn't even say Tony's.
00:21:53Okay, well, last time I drove by, it said Tony's. How is this important right now?
00:21:57It can be. Let's find out.
00:21:59Okay.
00:22:01Excuse me, sir?
00:22:03Yeah?
00:22:04Do you sell any shovels?
00:22:05Yeah, it's him, the tool man, Taylor. This is motherfucking Home Depot, so go down aisle nine and take a right and go fuck yourself.
00:22:13Do you sell clothes?
00:22:15Do you sell clothes?
00:22:16Yeah, because this is Ross Dress for Less.
00:22:19Okay, thank you.
00:22:30Okay.
00:22:32Um, put that on. Put that over.
00:22:44Okay.
00:23:15Sorry.
00:23:21That'll be $39.47. Oh, I got it.
00:23:25Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:23:28Did you hit that, too?
00:23:29Hit what?
00:23:31Not again.
00:23:32There's a picture of Ellie right in his wallet.
00:23:34I mean, you've heard of Ellie, right? She's kind of like the town bicycle.
00:23:37Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you Ted, the virgin boyfriend?
00:23:40No, I'm not.
00:23:41Didn't she just get engaged to your dad?
00:23:43What?
00:23:45You ready?
00:23:48Ted.
00:23:49Yeah. Later, Ted.
00:23:52Ellie is your ex? Why don't you tell me?
00:23:54I don't want to talk about it.
00:23:55She's engaged to your dad?
00:23:56Yes! Okay?
00:23:57Okay.
00:23:58Okay.
00:23:59Okay.
00:24:00Okay.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:02Okay.
00:24:03Okay.
00:24:04Okay.
00:24:05Okay.
00:24:06Okay.
00:24:07Okay.
00:24:08Okay.
00:24:09Okay.
00:24:11Yes! Okay?
00:24:12I've been dating her since I was a kid, but apparently I was the only one in that relationship.
00:24:15I don't get it. Why would she set me up with you?
00:24:17Can we just move on?
00:24:18Ted, we don't need to-
00:24:19Talk?
00:24:20Why would we talk about this, huh?
00:24:22This is all just a perfect explanation of my personality, right?
00:24:26Fine.
00:24:28Did you even lock the car?
00:24:30No.
00:24:31Do you think that's a good idea with a dead body inside?
00:24:33Hurry up, we're trespassing.
00:24:51I honestly can't remember how many crimes we've committed tonight, so why not?
00:25:00Shh!
00:25:02Sorry, sorry. A couple just came down to the dock.
00:25:05You could've just told me that, I would've ducked.
00:25:07Get here, I'll lead them out.
00:25:09Ow!
00:25:10Sorry.
00:25:12Ow!
00:25:20Well, I mean it's raining, so I can't imagine them staying for too long.
00:25:24Unless there's only so much you can do.
00:25:27Before what?
00:25:32Look, I'm sorry about before, the whole Ellie thing.
00:25:38I'm not always the most sensitive type.
00:25:46So, what happened, if you don't mind?
00:25:50It's pretty basic, actually.
00:25:52I just came home and found my dad proposing my girlfriend.
00:25:56Proposing?
00:25:57Yeah.
00:25:59She said yes.
00:26:02Ow.
00:26:03I mean, I always knew that she was this sl-
00:26:06promiscuous.
00:26:08But, I mean, damn.
00:26:11That whole situation is just-
00:26:12I know.
00:26:15Yeah.
00:26:18How did you react?
00:26:22Pretty calmly, actually.
00:26:24They just kind of sat me down on the couch and told me everything, how it started.
00:26:29Their first date, the moment they fell in love, and their favorite dance.
00:26:33Wow, that is so fucked up.
00:26:35Gets better.
00:26:36My brother texted me right afterwards, like, I heard what happened and I did her too.
00:26:41LOL.
00:26:42LOL.
00:26:43To be honest with you, I didn't know what it meant, so I just assumed it was apologetic.
00:26:46No, it's not.
00:26:49That blows my mind.
00:26:52And then?
00:26:53Then I moped around for a little bit and then went on a date with you.
00:26:58Here I am.
00:27:02So you really didn't know she was cheating on you?
00:27:06I mean, I did and I didn't, you know.
00:27:09You don't want to know, you know, when the truth essentially collapses your entire world and everything you stand for.
00:27:16You tend to avoid it at all costs.
00:27:18So, by that point, I just invested way too much.
00:27:24Yeah.
00:27:26So how do you know her?
00:27:29I mean, I don't. Not really. I mean, we played softball as kids and, you know, I run into her every now and then and maybe get a drink or something, but...
00:27:38I mean, why would she set me up with you?
00:27:40Oh, my brother said that I had to be out of the house the whole night, so I'm guessing that it had something to do with that.
00:27:46That's gross.
00:27:48How about you? You said you just got out of a relationship.
00:27:52Oh, I lied. I just wanted to leave. Yeah.
00:27:58Have you had better luck before me? I mean, what's your story?
00:28:02I mean, I've had the occasional random encounters with guys on vacations, you know why?
00:28:09But I did have a serious boyfriend for about two years. He just wasn't that serious.
00:28:16Oh, he cheated on you too?
00:28:18No, he just couldn't take anything seriously. But it's not his fault, though. He's kind of an idiot. I mean, the lowest IQ ever.
00:28:27But to his credit, he's actually really successful.
00:28:30How? You have such a low IQ.
00:28:33He's a DJ.
00:28:35Oh, makes sense.
00:28:38So you ended it?
00:28:40Yeah, I did about six months ago.
00:28:43He's such a tryhard.
00:28:48Huh. Is this the mistake you mentioned earlier?
00:28:53Who, him? Oh, no. No, that was a legal problem.
00:29:00I got a DUI and accidentally hit a dog. In the canine unit.
00:29:07So this isn't the first time you've killed a cop.
00:29:10No, technically. Anyway, I was put on probation and then I broke up with him.
00:29:18Have you dated anyone since?
00:29:22No. I find the caliber of available men to get worse the older you get.
00:29:31But I'm not worried. Love laughs at locksmiths.
00:29:38What does that mean?
00:29:43Ask him.
00:29:48Okay.
00:30:15Just wake up.
00:30:19I don't know. I'll get Ron.
00:30:24Use Ron.
00:30:45Just throw him in?
00:30:46Yes, dump it.
00:30:50Don't kids play here?
00:30:52The current will take it.
00:30:54Just push it in.
00:30:58Then I take you home and we forget this night ever happened.
00:31:03We went on a date a day at work, so we took you home.
00:31:06I think it's best that we just cut all ties related to this night.
00:31:10Yeah, of course.
00:31:17Fuck.
00:31:21That's not my ringtone.
00:31:25Hello?
00:31:27We have your money. We'll see you at dawn.
00:31:29What money? Who is this?
00:31:31You're seriously doing this right now?
00:31:33You call me. I'm gonna hang up now.
00:31:35If you hang up on a Renault show, somebody will die.
00:31:38Die? Excuse me?
00:31:40This is a stupid game and I'm not in the mood.
00:31:41You have a vial of empty TMA worth $200,000 that you agreed to sell us.
00:31:47You shake us down for an extra $50,000 self-titled dirty cop fee.
00:31:52And now you're plain dumb.
00:31:54I'm not a dirty cop.
00:31:56OMG, shut the fuck up.
00:31:58Show at 5am or we'll kill your family.
00:32:00Kill my family?
00:32:02How long have you been doing this? Seriously?
00:32:04Tomorrow is our first face-to-face and I'm guessing you have a pretty dumb fucking face.
00:32:08I've never done this before.
00:32:09I'll be lock and peek at dawn or else your family has my permission.
00:32:14They're dead. I got it.
00:32:16If you were me, where would you put Dikembe?
00:32:21IDK. Probably in my ass. T2IL.
00:32:26Who was that?
00:32:28I think it was Bane.
00:32:30Bane?
00:32:32Yeah, we have a problem.
00:32:34If we don't get them some drugs called Dikembe by dawn, they're gonna kill Ron's family.
00:32:37That's our problem.
00:32:39Yeah, it is. What if they kill Ron's family? We caused that.
00:32:43And what if we get caught and they kill our families?
00:32:46God damn it.
00:32:48I mean, how is this guy still bucking over our lives even after he's dead?
00:32:52Okay, where are the drugs?
00:33:07I heard that.
00:33:32I'm probably gonna regret this.
00:33:34Oh hey, what's up Marie?
00:33:35Hey, Bane. How you doing?
00:33:36He's with me.
00:33:37Why?
00:33:38I'm with him.
00:33:39Never mind.
00:34:05Oh, try hard.
00:34:36Listen, just go back in that bar and wait for me.
00:34:38Don't drink anything, don't touch anything.
00:34:40I'll be right back, okay?
00:34:55Well, well, well, well.
00:34:57If it isn't little Marie.
00:34:59Come crawling back for more.
00:35:01I'm not crawling back, you asshole. I need a favor.
00:35:03Oh, see? I fail to see the difference in that.
00:35:06Well, I don't need you. I need your expertise.
00:35:08Let's pick a subject.
00:35:10Music, love, Syria, tantric sex.
00:35:14You're actually not an expert in any of those things.
00:35:17Prove it.
00:35:18Okay, where's Syria?
00:35:20Exactly.
00:35:21So I know a guy and he came into something and he's willing to cut you in.
00:35:25Wait a minute. You know a guy?
00:35:27Yeah.
00:35:28What kind of guy?
00:35:29Guy.
00:35:30The fuck are you talking about? Some new guy?
00:35:31Maybe.
00:35:32Well, who is this fucking new guy?
00:35:34He's a dealer.
00:35:36You're dating another fucking dealer?
00:35:40Are you in or are you out?
00:35:43All right.
00:35:44I'll play your little game.
00:35:46I mean, where is this fucking joker?
00:35:49Drive or move. Neat, please.
00:35:52Okay, look.
00:35:53He's agreed to meet with us.
00:35:54The dude knows more about street drugs than Charlie Sheen.
00:35:56You're a drug dealer.
00:35:58I told him you're a drug dealer so just play along, all right?
00:36:02He's kind of into himself.
00:36:03A little bit.
00:36:04Not a big deal.
00:36:05Whatever.
00:36:06He'll be fine.
00:36:07Let's go.
00:36:08What?
00:36:09Come on!
00:36:10All right, guys.
00:36:11I need the room.
00:36:12Get the fuck out.
00:36:27I'm DJ motherfucking Eddie Better.
00:36:30I can club it so hard I can make a fur hat out of it.
00:36:38Who the fuck are you?
00:36:40Ted Franco.
00:36:42Ted Franco?
00:36:44What, you're a softcore porn artist in Mexico?
00:36:47Is that a bong?
00:36:49No, this is my Peruvian mate gold.
00:36:52I had to switch over because that energy drink was really fucking with my Feng Shui.
00:37:01So, what you on about?
00:37:03Drugs?
00:37:05Drugs?
00:37:06Are you a fucking Mormon?
00:37:08No, I was Catholic.
00:37:09That's all the same shit anyway.
00:37:11The Catholics, you know, I used to hang out down around St. Augustine's.
00:37:15Those Catholic bitches are freaky.
00:37:17They used to stick to anal to preserve their virginity.
00:37:22Quite a loophole if you ask me.
00:37:24You get it?
00:37:25A loophole.
00:37:26The balloon knot.
00:37:27The rusty Cheerios.
00:37:28We get it, Eddie.
00:37:29I don't.
00:37:30Fuck it.
00:37:31Drinks all around.
00:37:32Eddie, we don't have time.
00:37:33Oh, everybody's got time for me, baby.
00:37:35Besides, my minions will wait.
00:37:38For me. Always.
00:37:40Do you know that you two make a very fucking funny looking couple?
00:37:43I've not expected you to take so many steps down after me.
00:37:48How long you guys been doing it?
00:37:49Doing what?
00:37:50Six months.
00:37:51Six months, eh?
00:37:53Well, it's a long time, but I suppose I'd had that for six months.
00:37:57Everything withers and dies eventually.
00:38:00Cheers.
00:38:03Take your communion, Catholic boy.
00:38:06Slow, slow.
00:38:10So, what kind of drugs are you dealing?
00:38:16Oh, strong ones.
00:38:19The, you know, tough drugs.
00:38:22Oh, yeah, right.
00:38:24Crystal, and glass, boom, pow, maybe black tar.
00:38:29No, no, no, that's weak.
00:38:32We only mass take...
00:38:35We need to know what Dikembe is.
00:38:37Dikembe?
00:38:38No.
00:38:40You're not talking about Dim Temba?
00:38:42Yeah, that one.
00:38:44Oh, you're fucking stupid.
00:38:46You can't get your hands on that if you tried.
00:38:48Nope. I got a place.
00:38:50Mate, I hope you're not fucking around with me right now,
00:38:52because that would be very fucking impolite.
00:38:55Don't even respond to that.
00:38:56He's probably never even done it before.
00:38:58Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?
00:39:00Of course I've tried it.
00:39:01Dim Temba, for you people that clearly do not know,
00:39:04is DMT and DMA.
00:39:06It was created by the government to treat PTSD,
00:39:09and the most potent hallucinogenic and pathogenic combine into one.
00:39:13It is like soul fluid, like Gabriel the Archangel
00:39:17personally jerking off into his own face.
00:39:19You are breast-stroking through God's great wet vagina,
00:39:22hearing choruses of angels screaming your name in ecstasy.
00:39:26You can't possibly imagine what it's like to fuck on that.
00:39:29We got it. It's uber-superpower Molly.
00:39:32Oh, it's so far beyond that, sweetheart.
00:39:35Whoa.
00:39:37You can get that stuff?
00:39:39You little fucking cunt, you just said you could.
00:39:41We can't.
00:39:42No, totally. I mean, I was just...
00:39:44Remember, he said the government secret.
00:39:46It's a government secret that never gets out, you know?
00:39:48But we got it. You got it. We got it.
00:39:50It's a fucking conspiracy.
00:39:52Just imagine if the public had their hands on this.
00:39:55The pursuit of happiness available right on your couch.
00:39:58What even go on?
00:40:00Are you OK?
00:40:02Me? Yeah, fine.
00:40:04You? You?
00:40:06HE LAUGHS
00:40:08God, he's a funny fucking person.
00:40:11We had a rough night, this one.
00:40:13That was even before we shot the cop.
00:40:15Ted, shut up.
00:40:17Yeah, no, that's how we got the drugs.
00:40:19Dealer by chance, eh?
00:40:21Mm-hm.
00:40:22Oh, should I not have told him that?
00:40:24No, he's cool, he's cool, he's my best friend.
00:40:26There are no friends here.
00:40:28No.
00:40:30I'm gonna make this nice and easy for you, Ted.
00:40:32You give me what you got, I'm gonna fucking kick your ass
00:40:35and have my bouncers hold you down when I do it.
00:40:37Relax, Eddie.
00:40:39Come on, Teddy boy.
00:40:41You don't want any trouble, do you?
00:40:43Everybody's so mean tonight.
00:40:44I mean, those guys on the phones,
00:40:45they're gonna kill our families, you know?
00:40:47Why is everyone being such a jerk?
00:40:48What guy on the phone?
00:40:49This guy, Bane Voice.
00:40:51Bane Voice?
00:40:52Mm-hm.
00:40:53You have fucking Bane shit?
00:40:54Yep.
00:40:55What the fuck?
00:40:56Do not fuck with those guys.
00:40:57They're the middlemen of the cartel.
00:40:59They're like the Walmart general managers
00:41:01of the entire southwest region.
00:41:03Hold on a second.
00:41:05You said you had the drugs?
00:41:06Yeah, we do.
00:41:07So you killed a cop?
00:41:08Mm-hm.
00:41:09And took his drugs,
00:41:11and now Bane wants to kill you?
00:41:13Yeah.
00:41:16You killed Ron?
00:41:17Ron fucking Johnston?
00:41:18Yeah, he's in the trunk.
00:41:19He's in the fucking trunk!
00:41:20You brought him here?
00:41:21Yeah.
00:41:22You fucking stupid!
00:41:23Look, we didn't know where else to go.
00:41:24Can you just chill out and help us out?
00:41:27I really fucknate those guys.
00:41:29Me too.
00:41:30I really do.
00:41:32They stole business from me.
00:41:34How?
00:41:35And one time I was like 15 minutes late to a deal
00:41:37and they fucking killed my dog.
00:41:40Who kills a man's dog?
00:41:47Oh, there he is.
00:41:49So where did you meet Ted anyway?
00:41:51He's a sweetheart.
00:41:52Just deg, please.
00:41:53Look at that.
00:41:54He shaves.
00:41:55How polite.
00:41:56You know, a little manscaping goes a long way,
00:41:57doesn't it, Marie?
00:41:58You remember.
00:41:59All right.
00:42:00Leeching in.
00:42:01Oh, God.
00:42:02Bringing back memories, this.
00:42:04You know, I did this once.
00:42:05A girl named Ellie.
00:42:06You know her.
00:42:08Freaked that one.
00:42:09Illegal things we did that night.
00:42:11You know, I really should have been wearing gloves then, too.
00:42:14Wasn't, though.
00:42:15Contracted some sort of skin rash.
00:42:17Terrible.
00:42:18Oh, very healthy prostate.
00:42:20All right.
00:42:21I think I got something.
00:42:24One more.
00:42:27Oh, God.
00:42:28There we go.
00:42:29God.
00:42:30All right.
00:42:31God.
00:42:32Found it.
00:42:33We got to go.
00:42:34Let's go.
00:42:35We should try it first.
00:42:36Make sure it's real.
00:42:37Idiots.
00:42:38Just a little taste.
00:42:41What the fuck is Ted?
00:42:59Stay.
00:43:01Quite the little rolling stone, isn't he?
00:43:03I can't believe you gave him E.
00:43:05I didn't.
00:43:06I gave him Molly.
00:43:07The power of confidence booster.
00:43:09Dance activated, of course.
00:43:11Oddly, as mad as I am, I think it actually works out.
00:43:13So what's your plan, Marie?
00:43:15You can't just roll up there as you guys.
00:43:19Why not?
00:43:20What do you suggest we do?
00:43:23I got ideas.
00:43:28The leather feels great.
00:43:29Look at all that.
00:43:30It fits.
00:43:31Yeah, it looks good.
00:43:32It's even got inside pockets.
00:43:33Wait, no.
00:43:34That's my sleeve.
00:43:35Hilarious mix-up.
00:43:37Okay, so there's a couple things that I need to tell you.
00:43:40First, you are no longer Ted.
00:43:42You are Ron.
00:43:43Done.
00:43:44And you're going to have to do this deal alone.
00:43:46They can't see me.
00:43:47They think they're doing this deal with Ron.
00:43:48If someone else shows up, they're just going to kill whoever that is and take the drugs.
00:43:51So you're going to have to convince them that you're Ron.
00:43:53Yeah, no problem.
00:43:54Easy.
00:43:55You are taking this really well.
00:43:58It's going to be really fun.
00:44:00Trust check.
00:44:02And it actually looks like you know what you're doing.
00:44:04Yeah, it's literally the only thing my dad taught me.
00:44:06It's also the only thing he told me I was good at.
00:44:08God, that moment was so sweet.
00:44:11I don't even remember what your dad's name is.
00:44:12What's your dad's name?
00:44:13Stop.
00:44:14Man, you are a Rolling Stone.
00:44:16Damn, Molly's one hell of a drug.
00:44:17Who's Molly?
00:44:18Great band.
00:44:20Molly, the drug.
00:44:22Eddie gave it to you at the club.
00:44:24Don't you feel weird and good right now?
00:44:27I do feel good.
00:44:28And weird.
00:44:31Why not on drugs?
00:44:32I'm on drugs right now.
00:44:33Oh my God, he gave me drugs.
00:44:35It's so not right.
00:44:36Ted, calm down.
00:44:37Calm down.
00:44:38You're going to be fine.
00:44:39I feel so scared.
00:44:40Like my pulse is...
00:44:41Don't feel scared.
00:44:44You're so cold.
00:44:45Am I going to die?
00:44:46No.
00:44:47No, Ted, you are not going to die.
00:44:50You promise?
00:44:51You swear?
00:44:52Yes.
00:44:53I trust you.
00:44:54You know that, right?
00:44:55Okay.
00:44:56Okay, look.
00:44:58You know, you're probably really scared right now.
00:44:59No, not really.
00:45:01Okay, well you should be because apparently these people are very dangerous.
00:45:04So am I.
00:45:06Ted.
00:45:08I need you to get a grip.
00:45:09Yeah.
00:45:10Look, I need you to promise me.
00:45:13Promise me that you're not going to say or do anything that's going to upset them.
00:45:18Okay?
00:45:19Yeah.
00:45:20Okay, just take a few of these and get back into the car.
00:45:24Have you washed that?
00:45:25Of course.
00:45:26Take it!
00:45:31Can you do this?
00:45:32Do what?
00:45:34Yeah!
00:45:35What are you going to do?
00:45:36I'm going to be here.
00:45:37In the back seat.
00:45:38Laying down.
00:45:40I'm going to be in the back seat of this car laying down.
00:45:42Okay, so if you need me...
00:45:43Get the fuck in the car.
00:45:44Okay.
00:45:52Wrong way.
00:45:55Wrong way.
00:46:26Fuck.
00:46:47Crap, they have masks.
00:46:48I forgot a mask.
00:46:49Do you have one?
00:46:50No.
00:46:51Ted.
00:46:52What?
00:46:54Please be careful.
00:47:04Officer Ron.
00:47:05Here.
00:47:06DEA.
00:47:07Forgot my mask.
00:47:08What the fuck is he doing?
00:47:09I can't believe it.
00:47:10Are you seeing this?
00:47:11Is that him?
00:47:12Oh, fuck.
00:47:13They know.
00:47:14Oh, shit.
00:47:15They know.
00:47:16I'm going to die.
00:47:17Ted?
00:47:21Wait.
00:47:22No, it's Ron.
00:47:23Not...
00:47:24Wait, what?
00:47:25How'd you know that?
00:47:26Okay, everybody calm down.
00:47:30Hey, Teddy.
00:47:32It's me.
00:47:33Put your gun down.
00:47:35Dad?
00:47:36What are you doing here?
00:47:37I want to ask you the same question.
00:47:39We all know you're not DEA.
00:47:41Go ahead, guys.
00:47:42Take them off.
00:47:48Dan?
00:47:49Cousin Dick?
00:47:50Hey, Ted.
00:47:51You still there?
00:47:52We've shown you who we are.
00:47:54I'm sure you can figure out what we're doing here.
00:47:56Now, what the fuck are you doing here?
00:47:58You guys are the most feared crime thing in town.
00:48:00How is this possible?
00:48:01It's been the family business for a while now, Ted.
00:48:03I thought you were a chemistry teacher.
00:48:05I'm that, too?
00:48:06That's your cover?
00:48:07So you're a high school science teacher and a drug dealer.
00:48:10Well, even I know how unoriginal that is.
00:48:12I'm aware.
00:48:13Put your gun down now.
00:48:14Dan hasn't put his gun down yet.
00:48:15Why should I?
00:48:16Stop being a baby, Tedward.
00:48:17Don't call me that.
00:48:18Fine, jackass.
00:48:19Dan, shut up.
00:48:20Put your gun down.
00:48:21No, no, keep it up.
00:48:22It's fine.
00:48:23We all know you can't shoot straight anyway.
00:48:24That competition was like ten years ago, man.
00:48:26Dad, line up some targets right now.
00:48:27We'll try this again.
00:48:28We'll rematch.
00:48:29Will both of you please just shut up?
00:48:32All right, Ted.
00:48:35You're here at a drug deal.
00:48:37Which begs the question, why?
00:48:39Now, whatever the fuck you've done to fuck things up,
00:48:41we can fix it, okay?
00:48:43Dad, what could he have possibly have done?
00:48:45Dude's a pussy.
00:48:46He doesn't even say fuck.
00:48:47You can't even read.
00:48:48Yes, I can.
00:48:50I'm getting so much better.
00:48:51Where is Ron, Ted?
00:48:55Ron's dead.
00:48:56I killed him, and I took his drugs.
00:48:59You don't even know what the hell you're looking for.
00:49:01I don't, do I?
00:49:03What's this look like?
00:49:04DMMDA?
00:49:06Worth $200,000, right?
00:49:08How the hell did you get your hands on that?
00:49:10So wait, this is why you guys wanted me out of the house tonight, huh?
00:49:14Ted, just give us the tube.
00:49:17We can all go and talk about this back at my place this afternoon.
00:49:20Plus, I'm pretty sure we need to keep your ass away from the police.
00:49:25You may need to get the fuck out of town.
00:49:27Back to your place?
00:49:28You're in Ellie's place.
00:49:29Oh, Ted.
00:49:31Don't tell me you're still hung up on that.
00:49:33It was last Tuesday.
00:49:34All right, this is the last thing I'm going to say,
00:49:37and then we're going to end this little charade
00:49:39and go and get some flapjacks, okay?
00:49:42Okay.
00:49:44Love just happens.
00:49:47Ellie and I have been in love for the last few years.
00:49:51Your brother took over for a couple of months, but then we were back.
00:49:54Now, I know that you were technically dating her at the time,
00:49:56but you're going to have to forgive eventually.
00:49:58She's going to be your stepmother.
00:50:00So I think it's time we all start getting along.
00:50:04Look, I know it hurts.
00:50:06I do.
00:50:07Well, I haven't been there myself, really, but I get it.
00:50:11But you're going to have to get over it, though.
00:50:13I was waiting to break this news till later,
00:50:15but I feel a smile is needed now from everybody.
00:50:20So, guys, Ellie and I are having a baby.
00:50:30She's going to be your stepmother.
00:50:31Stepmother.
00:50:42Damn!
00:50:44You motherfucker!
00:50:47Don't look at me, shoot him!
00:50:59What the fuck?
00:51:00Run!
00:51:09Go, go!
00:51:31Go, go!
00:51:39Did you just shoot your father in the leg?
00:51:43I think so, yeah.
00:51:44What were you thinking?
00:51:46He's having a kid with Ellie.
00:51:47Yeah, but now we have your crazy-ass killer family chasing us,
00:51:49and we still have a dead body in the car.
00:51:51You were supposed to give him the drugs, and then we were done with this.
00:51:54It being your family should have been an advantage.
00:51:56Until you shot them.
00:51:58Yeah, but they're terrible people.
00:52:01Ted.
00:52:02Sorry, sorry, I thought you were going to be proud of me.
00:52:04Well, I guess you misread me, didn't you?
00:52:05Apparently I did.
00:52:06Yeah.
00:52:07Fuck, and now they know I'm involved.
00:52:09Yeah.
00:52:17Hello?
00:52:18Where the fuck do you think you're going?
00:52:20Dan, I don't need the voicing anymore, I know it's you.
00:52:23Where the fuck do you think you're going?
00:52:25And why would I tell you that?
00:52:27Well, you better think fast.
00:52:31We need to hide out somewhere, now.
00:52:52Your bag, ma'am?
00:52:54Yep.
00:52:56This one's heavy.
00:52:57What do you guys got in there, a dead body?
00:53:02That was weird.
00:53:07Hi, we need a room, please.
00:53:09Okay, yeah, for sure.
00:53:10Let me see what we have for this evening.
00:53:12Just going to be for the two of you.
00:53:14Looks like we have one room for tonight, and that's going to be $900.
00:53:18Nine?
00:53:19Hundred.
00:53:20Okay, that's ridiculous.
00:53:22Um, look, I have $100 cash.
00:53:24Can you just take that?
00:53:26I'm sorry, it's going to be $900.
00:53:28If no one is using the room, I don't see what the big deal is.
00:53:30Just, we only need it for a couple of hours.
00:53:32Couple of hours, huh?
00:53:33Not like that, you perv.
00:53:34This is the best we could do.
00:53:35That's the best you can do.
00:53:36No, I heard that the first time.
00:53:38I'm just asking for a favor, you know, like, human to human.
00:53:41Helping people out.
00:53:43It's kind of like a town bicycle.
00:53:44Everyone gets a ride.
00:53:46Go make Eloise break that wall.
00:53:48Tracking some sort of stingray.
00:53:53That's the best you can do.
00:53:55What are we going to bring down?
00:53:56If you don't give us a room for $100, I'm going to tell your wife about Ellie.
00:54:10How'd you know he hooked up with Ellie?
00:54:12I didn't.
00:54:13I didn't.
00:54:21You know, I can't help but think that if we called the police in the beginning, like I said, none of this would have ever happened.
00:54:26What?
00:54:27I'm saying none of this is my fault.
00:54:28You've made every decision so far.
00:54:31I can't deal with this right now.
00:54:33I'm going to wash my face.
00:54:44What do you want?
00:54:45I know exactly what I want, you fucking moron.
00:54:47Just hand it over and we'll let her live.
00:54:49Marie has nothing to do with this.
00:54:50You do not touch her.
00:54:51She's seen us.
00:54:52All right?
00:54:53You're going to do exactly what I say.
00:54:54Clear?
00:54:55I'm never going to see you again, Dan.
00:54:57Apparently this is worth enough to live off for a while.
00:54:59And I think I even know a buyer.
00:55:01Hey.
00:55:09You okay?
00:55:13How could I have not known?
00:55:16Well, you're not that observant.
00:55:19No offense.
00:55:20How could I have not known?
00:55:23Well, you're not that observant.
00:55:26No offense.
00:55:32Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
00:55:37We have to work together, because if we start arguing, we're fucked.
00:55:44We can't keep doing this, though.
00:55:46I mean, what do we do next, go to Mexico?
00:55:48We're probably wanted there, too.
00:55:50Ted...
00:55:51We're not bad people, Marie.
00:55:53We shouldn't be making decisions like this.
00:55:59Maybe...
00:56:02You're right, we go to the police.
00:56:06Tedward, open up!
00:56:14Ted, open the door!
00:56:18Ted!
00:56:29I need my keys.
00:56:30Yep, yep.
00:56:31Hurry the fuck up.
00:56:36Where did I put it?
00:56:3734B.
00:56:38Jacob!
00:56:40Fuck.
00:56:47Open the trunk.
00:56:48It's locked, unlocked.
00:56:49What are you talking about?
00:56:50Come on, come on, come on.
00:56:51Shit, I left the keys in the car.
00:56:52You left the keys in the car?
00:56:53I didn't mean to.
00:56:54Okay, on three.
00:56:55Why three?
00:56:56Because that's just what you do.
00:56:57You don't have to.
00:56:58When I say go, throw them in.
00:56:59Fine.
00:57:00Go.
00:57:01That worked.
00:57:02We're counting next time.
00:57:03It's unlocked.
00:57:04Go.
00:57:05On three, never mind.
00:57:06Whatever.
00:57:07And go.
00:57:09Go.
00:57:14Hey, Ted.
00:57:15I'm Agent Hughes for the FBI.
00:57:17You've had quite a night, haven't you?
00:57:18Agent Hughes, you need to listen to me, okay?
00:57:20I didn't mean to kill Ron.
00:57:21It was an accident, I promise.
00:57:23And long story short, you should probably arrest my family.
00:57:27Well, Ted, that was the most unconvincing argument I've ever heard.
00:57:32My ten-year-old daughter can put words together better than you.
00:57:36Okay, well, first of all, you need to know Marie has nothing to do with this, okay?
00:57:40Absolutely nothing.
00:57:41I made her help me.
00:57:42No, you didn't.
00:57:43It was the other way around, right?
00:57:45Okay, well, first of all...
00:57:48Holy fucking shit!
00:57:49What the fuck just happened?
00:57:51How did the fuck...
00:57:52You beat Ted?
00:57:53We should do CPR.
00:57:55We should do CPR.
00:57:56CPR does not work if someone just got shot in the head.
00:57:59Oh, my God.
00:58:00We're gonna go to prison.
00:58:01We can't go to prison, okay?
00:58:02I get it.
00:58:03Okay.
00:58:06We put a mic on Ron's car about a week ago.
00:58:09The FBI knows he's dirty and is the intermediary between the border
00:58:13and what you've helped us to discover.
00:58:16Your family.
00:58:19How funny is that, huh?
00:58:27How funny is that?
00:58:35Actually, it's not funny at all, Ted.
00:58:37How you are alive right now blows my fucking mind.
00:58:40Why is that?
00:58:41Well, not only do you have the most dangerous importer of illegal narcotics after you,
00:58:46as well as his friends in the DEA,
00:58:48but you've managed to shoot leaders in both factions.
00:58:52And holy shit, look at you.
00:58:54So, how did we get here?
00:58:56Start from the beginning and don't lie.
00:58:58Okay, well, I came home to find my dad proposing to my girlfriend.
00:59:02Don't be stupid. Not that far.
00:59:03Well, I went on this blind date and she started asking me all these personal questions.
00:59:07And then after that, I went to some bar and I accidentally took ecstasy from some British guy,
00:59:11shot my dad, and then we went to a hotel and we blackmailed him
00:59:13because he also slept with my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend.
00:59:16And then we tied a bunch of sheets together, jumped off, and then here I am now.
00:59:21Well, that's quite the first date.
00:59:23There's been some good moments, though.
00:59:25You know, she gets really...
00:59:26Cut out your dates, Ted.
00:59:27Look, I'm gonna lay it down for you really straight here, okay?
00:59:30You broke a numerous amount of laws.
00:59:32You should almost be impressed with yourself because you definitely came across as a little bitch.
00:59:36We've been putting a case against these guys together for quite some time to no luck,
00:59:41but now we have you and we need you.
00:59:46Yeah, absolutely. I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
00:59:48My brother, I saw him masturbate to cartoon porn once.
00:59:51That's got to be illegal.
00:59:52And then my cousin, I think we think he dates animals.
00:59:55No, no, Ted. Nothing from you is really going to help us get them for good.
00:59:59All right?
01:00:00Nothing was exchanged when you met and you've only just discovered what they do for a living.
01:00:05So really, you're worthless.
01:00:08We need you to meet and wear a wire.
01:00:11We also need information about their people on the inside as well as details about their operation.
01:00:17The moment I show up, they're gonna shoot me.
01:00:19Well, Ted, we need to take that chance.
01:00:22What if I don't want to?
01:00:24Well, you'll go to jail.
01:00:25Although you don't have very much to lose, Marie does.
01:00:28She'll go.
01:00:29I'm pretty sure your fucked up family will have some kind of fun with everyone she's ever loved.
01:00:33So your call, sweetheart.
01:00:35So you're asking me to help put my own family away for good.
01:00:38Yes. Your family.
01:00:41The ones that gang-banged your girlfriend in the shower.
01:00:44What do we get if we pull this off?
01:00:46To go home.
01:00:48What about Ron?
01:00:49We have people who can take care of him.
01:00:52Look, you have one minute to decide.
01:00:54And while you're doing it, take a look at this.
01:00:57Take a look at this.
01:01:01Sorry. Not that.
01:01:03Yeah, no, that's just some skank.
01:01:05Butch and I banged in the shower last night, didn't we?
01:01:07But you locked it in.
01:01:08That's right, baby. He's an animal.
01:01:10You should have seen it.
01:01:11Take a look at this.
01:01:13This is Ron's family.
01:01:15They're currently missing.
01:01:18God knows what's happening to them right now.
01:01:28Okay, I'll do it.
01:01:30Great. You still have that vial?
01:01:32Yeah, it's right here.
01:01:34Perfect. Don't touch me with that fucking hand.
01:01:36Let's do this.
01:01:45Agent Hughes?
01:01:46Yeah?
01:01:47If I die, will you tell Marie something?
01:01:49Christ almighty.
01:01:50What?
01:01:51We've had a night together. We've bonded.
01:01:52I feel like she's gonna want to know.
01:01:53You just tell her yourself, all right?
01:01:55You're gonna be fine.
01:01:56Seriously?
01:01:57You can't even take a simple message for me?
01:01:59I'm about to get shot for you.
01:02:01Fine. Just know that I'm not happy about it.
01:02:03And also, before you touch someone's bare skin again,
01:02:05please warm up those angry, rough FBI hands of yours.
01:02:09Goodness gracious.
01:02:11Somebody's got a little pent-up something-or-other going on over there, haven't you?
01:02:14I'll take your message for you.
01:02:15I will send it on my virgin mobile.
01:02:18And perhaps...
01:02:19Oh, shit.
01:02:20I'm not gonna reach her. You know why?
01:02:21I heard she's in the Virgin Islands
01:02:23drinking a virgin strawberry daiquiri,
01:02:26reading her copy of Orlando by Virgin Wolf.
01:02:29You got that chest-shaped thing going for you. That's good.
01:02:32Ellie liked it.
01:02:33She doesn't like dick.
01:02:38Hi, Marie.
01:02:40I'm Agent Lewis, and I'm going to be handling you today.
01:02:44Handling me?
01:02:45Well, not like physically handling you.
01:02:48It's more like a metaphorical sort of thing.
01:02:50It's just important to know that you're safe,
01:02:51and I'm going to be handling you,
01:02:53and I'm going to be handling this situation.
01:02:56Oh, fuck. Not another one.
01:02:58Do you have any questions for me?
01:03:00What am I doing here?
01:03:01You and Ted were involved in quite a situation last night,
01:03:04and we know that you tried getting away with killing Officer Ron Johnston.
01:03:10True.
01:03:11But don't try to lie. Wait.
01:03:13Yeah.
01:03:14Wait, what?
01:03:15I did it, and then I forced Ted to help me.
01:03:17It's all me. I confess.
01:03:18No. Hold on a second.
01:03:22I'm supposed to play you this first.
01:03:27Oh, yes, Agent Lewis.
01:03:29Let us reenact the Karma Sutra
01:03:31while I drizzle hot curry all over your face.
01:03:36We'll forget the tape.
01:03:38We don't need to listen to the tape anymore,
01:03:42because that's not who I am.
01:03:45Agent Lewis.
01:03:48Where's Ted?
01:03:49Ted is currently on the way to the thing.
01:03:53Agent Hughes, he told us to stay here together.
01:03:57Not together, but together.
01:03:59Agent Lewis.
01:04:00Yes, yes.
01:04:01I've confessed.
01:04:02I've already been arrested,
01:04:03so it's important for you to know that I have nothing to lose.
01:04:06Why is that?
01:04:08Because if you don't take me over there right now,
01:04:11I'm going to climb over this table
01:04:13and beat the shit out of your mumbling ass
01:04:15in front of all your colleagues.
01:04:18Look at my face and see that I'm serious.
01:04:25Hey, Scott!
01:04:37Stay.
01:04:39Are you gonna be okay?
01:04:41No, I'm not gonna be okay.
01:04:42I'm freaking out.
01:04:43They're gonna shoot me the moment they see me.
01:04:46Just calm down, all right?
01:04:47You're wearing a bulletproof vest.
01:04:49That's comforting.
01:04:50Christ.
01:04:51What was it that got you through the last one?
01:04:58Oh, hello, my little falcons.
01:05:00Are you ready to fly?
01:05:01I cannot believe I approved this.
01:05:03I can.
01:05:04So can I just have a little more
01:05:05of what you snuck in my drink last time?
01:05:07Oh, the hoppy dance powder.
01:05:09You liked it.
01:05:10Uh-huh.
01:05:11All right, friend.
01:05:12Give that pinky a little licksky
01:05:14and put it deep in this sweet ambrosia.
01:05:18Goodness.
01:05:20Now in the mouth.
01:05:22How long does it take?
01:05:24Oh, I'd say about a half step in two-tone suntan.
01:05:27So how long?
01:05:28Like 15 minutes.
01:05:29Why didn't you just say that?
01:05:30Why didn't you understand me the first time?
01:05:32Jesus Christ.
01:05:33Hey, so, this is gonna be fun.
01:05:35Who's got my 80 bucks?
01:05:40You're fucking kidding me.
01:05:41She's tough, though.
01:05:42I mean, on one hand, she wants me to be happy,
01:05:44but on the other hand,
01:05:45she doesn't want any other women in my life.
01:05:47Yeah, I think that's why she still lets you live at home.
01:05:50Yeah, you're right.
01:05:52I mean, I love her so much.
01:05:54She's my mom and all,
01:05:55but eventually I have to spread my wings and fly.
01:05:58Okay, so what's the plan?
01:06:00Well, I think I'll let her down gently,
01:06:02move a couple miles away.
01:06:04No, no, what's the plan here?
01:06:06Oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:06:07This is the surveillance van, all right?
01:06:09And, uh, oh, this is the monitor,
01:06:11and we're gonna watch what happens, uh, to Ted here,
01:06:14and then Frank, um, Agent Hughes is gonna come back,
01:06:17and, uh, he's gonna watch with us, you know,
01:06:19to make sure that everything's good,
01:06:20and, uh, Ted's not, not gonna die or anything.
01:06:22I mean, it's just one of those, we're gonna...
01:06:26safe, um...
01:06:29Hey, Scott!
01:06:32Can you come here for a second, please?
01:06:35And save me from myself?
01:06:37Seriously.
01:06:38I'm sorry.
01:06:39Have you ever had sex?
01:06:43Never.
01:06:44I am.
01:06:45Shows, doesn't it?
01:06:49All right, you know the deal.
01:06:51We need clean audio,
01:06:52so get in as close as you can, all right?
01:06:54Yeah, all right, once we got what we need,
01:06:56we'll come in guns hot.
01:06:58Don't try running.
01:07:01Shoot.
01:07:03What's that, amigo?
01:07:05He's going to die.
01:07:07No.
01:07:09Probably.
01:07:11Maybe we'll just move out of the bedroom.
01:07:13We have bugs.
01:07:14Oh, Frank, um, Agent Hughes.
01:07:16It's, uh, Marie.
01:07:17Well, well, well.
01:07:19Hello, my little snuggle bunnies.
01:07:21What the hell are you doing here?
01:07:22What I always do, sweetheart.
01:07:24Bring the fucking gun.
01:07:26What the hell are you doing here?
01:07:27What I always do, sweetheart.
01:07:29Bring the fucking party.
01:07:31Dude, seriously, what are you doing here?
01:07:32Oh, you ever heard?
01:07:33You're not the only one that needs my expertise.
01:07:35I'm the newest FBI consultant.
01:07:38Isn't that right, Agent Hughes?
01:07:40That's so right.
01:07:42He's my biggest fan.
01:07:43I gave him an autograph.
01:07:45Just don't fuck it up, okay?
01:07:46So, shall we do this?
01:07:48Balls tucked, tits hard, ass tight.
01:07:51Sit down, students, and prepare yourselves.
01:07:56Let's go.
01:08:27Hey.
01:08:29He's with the best, Ted.
01:08:31In case he tries to shoot me.
01:08:33Move slowly, Ted.
01:08:35I am.
01:08:36I am a little pissed.
01:08:38I think you know why.
01:08:40Call us even.
01:08:41I'm glad to see you're doing okay, though.
01:08:43You know why?
01:08:44Because you've got to be a father all over again.
01:08:46I'm a little pissed.
01:08:48I think you know why.
01:08:49Call us even.
01:08:50I'm glad to see you're doing okay, though.
01:08:52You know why?
01:08:53Because you've got to be a father all over again.
01:08:56Looking at this situation,
01:08:57it seems like you've got it all figured out.
01:08:59What's your point?
01:09:00That he's a terrible father.
01:09:02That's not fair.
01:09:03It's just to you.
01:09:05Where is it, Ted?
01:09:07I have it.
01:09:08Toss it over.
01:09:09And the money?
01:09:10Babe?
01:09:11Give us the money.
01:09:16Hi, Ted.
01:09:18Ellie.
01:09:20You look good.
01:09:22Fuck you.
01:09:25Fuck you.
01:09:32All right.
01:09:33I'm good.
01:09:35Ted.
01:09:37Drugs?
01:09:48See ya.
01:09:49Ted.
01:09:51You know there's no money in that bag.
01:09:53And you know we can't let you or Marie live.
01:10:02Just one question before you shoot your son.
01:10:05Why couldn't you have included me?
01:10:07It took him three months to learn how to tie his shoes.
01:10:10Hey.
01:10:11It takes everyone that long.
01:10:12Not when they're 18 years old, Dan.
01:10:14Seriously, Dad.
01:10:15Why?
01:10:16Dan has his downfalls, yes, but...
01:10:19Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
01:10:20What the hell is that supposed to mean?
01:10:22You're an idiot.
01:10:23He does all the work.
01:10:24Well, I'm the one who bribed Judge Albert.
01:10:26I'm the one who got the detectives on board.
01:10:28I'm the one who paid off Officer Dilley.
01:10:31Shut up!
01:10:32You know, I think he's fucking right.
01:10:35When's the last time you said it?
01:10:36Good job, Dan.
01:10:37Nice shooting, Dan.
01:10:38What the hell?
01:10:39Because I do do all the work, Dan.
01:10:41I buy the drugs.
01:10:42I deal with the cartel.
01:10:43I bought Governor Porter.
01:10:44I'm the one who got the Hells Angels deal.
01:10:46Yeah, well, I supplied the guns.
01:10:48And I fucking used them.
01:10:49Holy shit.
01:10:51Jackpot.
01:10:52Jackpot.
01:10:53Oi, shut the fuck up.
01:10:55Drive-bys are for pussies.
01:10:56I killed those snitches with my bare hands.
01:10:58And I fucking buried them in the woods that I found where I lured them to.
01:11:02Are you kidding me?
01:11:05These guys are fucking idiots.
01:11:06I started the middle school dealers.
01:11:08And I gave them the weed.
01:11:10Just give it away.
01:11:11Fucking two-pump chump of a drug deal.
01:11:15And then I started that fire.
01:11:17That was my house.
01:11:21I can't believe this.
01:11:25You guys are idiots.
01:11:26Shut the fuck up.
01:11:27You're adopted.
01:11:28What?
01:11:29You know, and that's why I'm not going to feel too bad about this next part.
01:11:32We gotta get out of here.
01:11:33This is for you.
01:11:43Down on the ground.
01:11:44Now.
01:11:45Yeah.
01:11:46Down on the ground.
01:11:47Really?
01:11:48FBI.
01:11:52FBI.
01:11:57Marie, I...
01:12:11You'll get it.
01:12:12Of course.
01:12:17Ellie?
01:12:18Marie!
01:12:19Oh my God, how are you?
01:12:21Hold on.
01:12:23What the fuck?
01:12:29Hey.
01:12:30You're kind of cute.
01:12:32Hey, Scott.
01:12:34Scotty.
01:12:36Set yourself free.
01:12:38The FBI thinks you're cute.
01:12:39And so does Eddie Bear.
01:12:42Don't you, sweetheart.
01:12:44Come to the party if you like.
01:12:46Go on all night.
01:12:48They're the middlemen of the cartel.
01:12:50I really fucknate those guys.
01:12:52They stole business from me.
01:12:54And one time I was like 15 minutes late for a deal and they fucking killed my dog.
01:12:58Who kills a man's dog?
01:12:59Major Hughes from the FBI.
01:13:01Quite a night, haven't we?
01:13:02We need you to meet and wear a wire.
01:13:05We also need information about the people on the inside.
01:13:17They stole our dog.
01:13:28Yeah.
01:13:29They just got here.
01:13:45Oh, fuck.
01:13:47By posing his grandparents and bar minions as FBI agents,
01:13:51it turns out Eddie Vedder didn't have such a low IQ after all.
01:13:55Being that Eddie now had Dave and Dan on tape
01:13:58giving details of their entire operation,
01:14:01along with every major politician involved,
01:14:04he could do pretty much whatever he wanted.
01:14:06So he once again took the reins as the drug lord
01:14:10of the entire Southwest region.
01:14:13Officer Ron was dumped in the lake.
01:14:15The current took him and he was never seen or heard from again.
01:14:19Nobody went looking for him whatsoever.
01:14:22It turns out he didn't even have a family, which makes sense.
01:14:26Who would ever love a piece of shit like that?
01:14:29Ellie ended up taking Agent Lewis'
01:14:31I mean Alex the bartender's virginity later that night.
01:14:35Unfortunately, she left him
01:14:37and every other guy in this movie with chlamydia.
01:14:41As for my homie Te, he and Marie are disease-free and doing fine.
01:14:46LAUGHTER
01:14:49So how'd you guys meet?
01:14:52Um...
01:14:54Well, it was at...
01:14:56At your man.
01:14:58...my cousin's shower.
01:15:01It started with this West Wing marathon,
01:15:05but then I was like, I'm Jewish.
01:15:08And then he went...
01:15:10The internet.