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FunTranscript
00:00:00oh my god she's insane what are you doing here
00:00:17you set me up you stay away from me you're insane
00:00:21i can't let you ruin my wedding miss leanne you and asher are you're a great couple i'm sorry leanne
00:00:36but you've gotta go
00:00:41they say that sex ruins everything
00:00:52oh and sometimes they're right how was that baby awesome
00:01:00we done here yeah i think i did my job
00:01:14are we done here yeah baby you're the best you were amazing was it good for you
00:01:22awesome what's your name again
00:01:26money we need to talk what i'm breaking up with you
00:01:34what do you mean you are breaking up with me i mean i'm breaking up with you
00:01:40this isn't working out goodbye money
00:01:46i can't do this anymore what do you mean you were breaking up with me
00:01:49i mean i'm breaking up with you this isn't working out but take care of monique
00:02:03what am i doing
00:02:05hmm
00:02:12so i tell her dude that's not a pickle that's an okra like seriously
00:02:21so she goes totally bonkers on my brother i mean i don't even know what i saw in him in the first
00:02:26place how about you and i and you're just excuse me for a moment i'll be right back
00:02:38so i was thinking how about we get out of here and go back to my place sorry uh i'll be right back
00:02:56oh damn it i'm so sorry oh my god asher yeah what are you doing oh you're drowning my sorrows
00:03:11here same do you wanna grab a drink
00:03:15oh sure
00:03:21how did i ever lose touch with my undergrad bff uh life i guess we should vow to never let that
00:03:28happen again pinky spray pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:38we should vow to never let that happen again pinky spray
00:03:41pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:52thank you oh what about work i actually just started a new job i'm doing marketing at genguard
00:03:59small world they're our biggest client no way wait what do you do i work at a software
00:04:07development startup hey that's cool
00:04:18what about your love life what what about your love life oh my god years of bad sex
00:04:26with jerks a lifetime of one night stands with shallow women cheers mate
00:04:31hey
00:04:35how about we
00:04:38stop it no hey we're friends well if you ever do want a nerve-shattering orgasm i'm your man
00:04:47sex ruins everything yeah i suppose you're right
00:04:51i'll be your wing woman though and i'll be your wing man
00:05:21so
00:05:41i can't remember the last time i had this much fun
00:05:44i can't remember the last time i laughed this hard i think i peed myself a little bit
00:05:51i have that effect on women
00:05:58i forgot how pretty you are thanks i think
00:06:05let's never lose touch again
00:06:07so
00:06:11friends forever
00:06:14friends forever
00:06:37so
00:06:48uh
00:07:06so
00:07:20uh
00:07:25oh
00:07:35let's do that again
00:07:48oh my god what are you doing here i don't know what am i doing here
00:07:53oh my head my head feels like there's fingernails resting on my brain
00:08:04hey that makes sense we're here what no no no no no no no bad idea last night was a bad idea
00:08:15why because asher you're one of my best friends
00:08:22fuck sex ruins everything i suppose you're right
00:08:28but still but still
00:08:33i have a proposition what friends with benefits
00:08:38it's sex without strings you do you i do me and we do each other
00:08:51interesting
00:08:59okay sold
00:09:00and benefit
00:09:04so
00:09:28and i'll need the marketing report for the fourth quarter
00:09:35so hello ladies asher
00:09:44you two know each other yeah uh we are we know each other from college he's one of my best
00:09:52friends what are you doing here he's here to see my father wait what daddy owns the company
00:09:58you i know i actually own the company i work at he's worth billions and here i thought i knew
00:10:06everything about you i've been busy since college clearly listen gotta run but talk to you later
00:10:16sure good to see you beth you too
00:10:23oh what a man
00:10:35what's this i took the liberty of drawing up a forensic benefits contract
00:10:40a contract it outlines the parameters of our relationship okay article one nobody knows
00:10:48it might get in the way of us seeing other people good point article two we meet at a
00:10:53mutually agreed upon place at a mutually agreed upon time okay article three honesty and transparency
00:11:01are a must agreed article four no lies no lies
00:11:11article five once one party sleeps with another person the agreement is over
00:11:20i don't like that one gets too complicated otherwise
00:11:26fine
00:11:27okay and finally
00:11:34friends first friends first
00:11:48let's see
00:11:56so
00:12:26so
00:12:43no i think the wife did it and i think you're insane no you do
00:12:47dude will you go out with me
00:12:58what on a date like will you go on a date with me a real one no
00:13:06what
00:13:09i mean no the contract i forget the contract no friends first remember
00:13:17sex romance it ruins everything
00:13:23i'm sure you mean way too much to me for that
00:13:36i
00:13:40come on
00:13:45friends first
00:13:53friends first
00:14:02so see you at seven tonight yes you will
00:14:20he asked me out he asked me out breathe breathe i've been crushing on him for so long
00:14:28on asher yes he asked you out yes on a date yes yes yes will you grab a coffee with me
00:14:36later because you two are such good friends you can give me some tips oh um yeah okay i gotta go
00:14:46getting a mini patty ready for the big plate i'm totally freaking out
00:14:52bye
00:15:02where was he born philadelphia philadelphia uh favorite food um
00:15:09he likes hot fudge sundaes
00:15:17i like your pen i've never seen that color before
00:15:20daddy has a made for me special it's my favorite color heliotrope purple
00:15:25what about sports
00:15:29but why don't you just ask him this yourself on your date
00:15:32i can't do that if i'm gonna marry this man he's gotta think we're meant to be
00:15:38married you got a problem with that
00:15:47why the two of you never hooked up anyhow me and asher
00:15:54no no no never he's we're we're friends we're best friends good by the way i love your outfit
00:16:04where'd you get it oh mason's on third super cute okay let's carry on uh siblings
00:16:15and being an only child i was an only child as well really cool anyhow being an only child
00:16:23my parents sent me to art camp in philadelphia i was born in philly shut up it's my favorite city
00:16:31where was the school um i
00:16:38can i interest you in some dessert
00:16:45how about we um share a hot fudge sundae that is my favorite dessert
00:16:55i can't believe how much we have in common
00:17:01i had a wonderful time i really hope we can do this again that would be great good night
00:17:13oh my okay thank you
00:17:21i should really head out thank you uh take care why don't you come up
00:17:29and i will fuck you it's within an inch of your life
00:17:36i don't think that would be such a good idea why because i've sworn off one night stands
00:17:45i'm a one night stand no no it uh that's not what i meant it's just sex ruins everything
00:17:51uh let's wait so it can be perfect yeah
00:18:02yes
00:18:06okay toodles
00:18:09you
00:18:14beth who is nice we have a lot in common
00:18:22are you jealous no
00:18:26no
00:18:30did you um did you sleep together no but not for lack of her trying
00:18:39beth she's an animal oh god stop it besides i don't want to ruin our arrangement
00:18:48not for beth you don't yeah my days of one night stands are over i want to wait just in case she
00:18:54is the one you never know i want to get off on the right foot
00:19:05i'm never getting married
00:19:08i'm ready to settle down
00:19:13oh you do you to each his own agree did you steal my fudge
00:19:21maybe
00:19:27it's my strawberry
00:19:35that was rude
00:19:51so
00:20:08you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher true love does not exist
00:20:18you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it friendship first
00:20:26leanne lamont you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher
00:20:32true love does not exist you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it
00:20:38friendship first
00:20:44leanne lamont
00:21:09hey shit i'm so sorry my bad my fault hang on
00:21:24you got a tissue
00:21:29here let me hey what are you doing stop cock-blocking me oh i didn't realize hey asher
00:21:38eric
00:21:42okay well see you guys later
00:21:49here thank you
00:21:53um i'm leanne by the way i'm eric
00:21:57you
00:22:05that was fun yeah it was that fun or was eric fun
00:22:12both okay you gotta watch out for him he's a player
00:22:17so what think i can't handle myself no that's not what i'm saying
00:22:22oh my god are you jealous no i'm not jealous why would i be jealous
00:22:30we're friends with benefits remember yeah you don't have to be a dick about okay i'm
00:22:38not being a dick you're just making another bad choice i can handle myself yeah fine be that way
00:22:52you know maybe things are getting too complicated
00:22:56maybe we need to end this arrangement maybe you're so shut down that you can only date asshole men
00:23:07maybe you should go fuck yourself
00:23:11maybe i will
00:23:23flops for mrs leanne lamont that's me oh my god thank you
00:23:36i'm eric
00:23:43what are you doing here i had a meeting with best dad
00:23:50that's from eric yes
00:23:57they're nice
00:23:58listen um i'm really sorry about last night i was out of line no no i was out of line
00:24:11i'm so sorry about the slap oh my god yeah i deserved it
00:24:20yeah i deserved it
00:24:26friends forever
00:24:29friends forever
00:24:33dinner later sounds awesome
00:24:49oh it's just i'm just so happy you know leanne i think i like asher a lot
00:25:08i think he could be the one oh i think i'm falling in love you've only just started dating
00:25:15have you ever had a connection that's just so deep so immediate that you just know
00:25:25yeah that's us you know he told me he wants us to wait for sex
00:25:33he says he wants to build a strong foundation first
00:25:37i hope you're not jealous oh no i don't know i i just want him to be happy
00:25:47by the way i love your lipstick it's so unique what color is it
00:25:52i love it anyway gotta go toodles
00:26:07why are you so down what's wrong
00:26:12nothing famous last words is it attic
00:26:17like of course not how's beth by the way she thinks that you're gonna settle down with her
00:26:26yeah you never know
00:26:31give me your hand i'll tell you what's gonna happen come on okay okay this is your lifeline
00:26:41it's long if you have a nice long life okay this is your headline for wisdom
00:26:50and looks like you have done some stupid things
00:26:58and this is your love line so you've got a rocky beginning over here
00:27:05but you have a long line of love ahead of you
00:27:09so
00:27:32you want to go home and fuck great idea
00:27:39um
00:28:10so
00:28:29looks like we had fun last night
00:28:31uh
00:28:35do you have a key
00:28:41i'll be a second
00:29:01oh nice trick right yeah
00:29:11who is that i have no idea hello your front door was unlocked
00:29:31that's how could you
00:29:39beth wait beth oh fuck what have i done
00:29:46what do you mean what have you done beth it's not what it looks like
00:29:54so
00:29:59hey what are you doing i'm leaving i'm getting dressed i'm going i'm feeling kind of yucky i'm
00:30:05sorry okay you didn't do anything it was me i fucked up you said it wasn't serious it wasn't
00:30:12it isn't it doesn't matter i fucked up whatever it is it was i fucked it up okay
00:30:17okay
00:30:21i guess it's time for us to end this friends with benefits thing
00:30:30yeah
00:30:36friends first
00:30:38hey beth go away
00:30:46i need to talk to you
00:30:53i need you to get me out of here
00:30:57i'm sorry i'm sorry
00:31:01i'm sorry
00:31:03i'm sorry
00:31:05I need to talk to you.
00:31:08I'd fire her, except Daddy said we'd get sued.
00:31:11You on the other hand, I don't want to speak to you ever again.
00:31:15It's not what you think, okay? It was a stupid game, friends with benefits, but it's over now, okay? I promise.
00:31:28Do you love her?
00:31:30Of course not. Okay, she means nothing to me.
00:31:35Really?
00:31:37Hey, I want to see what happens between us, you and me.
00:31:43Please, give me another chance.
00:31:52I suppose.
00:31:56Okay.
00:32:06You
00:32:11Leanne, it's me again. Don't know why you're avoiding me. I'm so confused. Friends forever, remember?
00:32:24Eric, hi. I'm sorry if it's been a while, and I've been out of touch, but I
00:32:32I would love to see you again, if you're up for it.
00:32:43Asher, Asher, it's me. I haven't heard from you in like four hours. What's going on? Are you with Leanne? Call me!
00:33:01Okay, Leanne, I don't know what I did to drive you away, but I'll leave you alone now.
00:33:10If you ever want to be friends again, you know where to find me.
00:33:32It's Eric, leave a message.
00:33:34Hey, Eric, um,
00:33:38I just wanted to say that I had a great time the other night, and I wanted to see what you were doing later.
00:33:43Asher, Asher, where are you? Why won't you call me back? I know you're with her, you lied to me!
00:33:52Okay, miss you. Call me, bye.
00:34:02Beth, I got your 35 messages.
00:34:07Listen, I'd really like to get to know you better and spend some time with you, but maybe we need to slow things down a bit.
00:34:16I'll call you when I can.
00:34:32Hey, hey, hey, babe, slow down.
00:34:40To love.
00:34:44Wait.
00:34:46Love sucks.
00:34:48I don't...
00:34:50I don't...
00:34:52I don't...
00:34:54I don't...
00:34:56I don't...
00:34:58I don't...
00:34:59I don't...
00:35:01I don't...
00:35:03I think we've had enough.
00:35:08How about we head back to the monthly thing?
00:35:11Hm, fabulous.
00:35:16Easy.
00:35:29A lot of goodies, isn't it?
00:35:56I'm just so happy to see you again.
00:36:20I'm sorry.
00:36:21I've been aloof.
00:36:22Just been going through some stuff.
00:36:23You want to talk about it, baby?
00:36:24No, that's okay.
00:36:25It's life.
00:36:26Is it Leigh-Anne?
00:36:27I don't want to talk about Leigh-Anne.
00:36:31You know her and Eric have gotten hot and heavy.
00:36:33I thought she wasn't into Eric.
00:36:35Well, when I was out and about this morning, I saw her leaving Eric's apartment and what
00:36:41looked like her clothes from last night.
00:36:44No way.
00:36:45She would never.
00:36:46He's a knob.
00:36:47Which is why I grabbed a photo.
00:36:48I guess she's not the same either.
00:36:50Oh.
00:36:51I'm sorry.
00:36:52I grabbed a photo.
00:36:53I guess she's not the same you think she is.
00:38:19What the fuck, Leanne?
00:38:39How could you miss that?
00:38:40Sorry.
00:38:41I'm trying my best.
00:38:43Hey.
00:38:44Your best isn't good enough.
00:38:46You cost us the game.
00:38:47Okay.
00:38:48You've had too much to drink.
00:38:50Don't tell me what to do, woman.
00:38:52She can handle herself.
00:38:54Remember that part of your life is over.
00:38:56Everyone!
00:38:57Asher.
00:38:58Look at the loser.
00:38:59It's all embarrassing.
00:39:00Fucking prick.
00:39:01Come here.
00:39:02Come on.
00:39:03I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:39:10I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:39:19I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:39:28I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
00:39:58I'm sorry.
00:40:23Are you breaking up with me?
00:40:25up. We only just got back together. Beth, we were never together. I mean, we went out like six times.
00:40:36You said you wanted to see where things went. Yes, and unfortunately they went in another direction.
00:40:42I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You're fired. You can't fire me. I don't work at your
00:40:49company and I own mine. Fire Leanne. You can't. She'll sue.
00:40:58Okay, you're a terrific girl and I really enjoyed our time together.
00:41:01And more than anything, I truly hope that we can remain friends.
00:41:20So
00:41:34Ah
00:41:50So
00:42:11So
00:42:19So
00:42:36So
00:42:50So
00:43:16Xoxo
00:43:20When Asher reads this text, he's definitely gonna want to break up with you, Leanne.
00:43:27I can't believe you think I'm lying. Then how do you explain this text? I don't know. I didn't send
00:43:33it. You've been sneaking around with Eric and accidentally sent me a text meant for him.
00:43:41How could you be so stupid? I am not seeing Eric. Why would I cheat on you? You're, you're my lover.
00:43:49You're my best friend. Leanne.
00:43:55I am not a cheater. I did not send that text and I don't know how it got there,
00:44:00but if you want to break up over this, then fine.
00:44:07I do.
00:44:12Okay.
00:44:19So
00:44:21So
00:44:47I will, I will, I will.
00:44:51So
00:44:59Wondering if you prefer cream puffs or cheesecake for the dessert or both thoughts?
00:45:07Please don't marry him. You don't love her. You're rebounding.
00:45:12I'm thinking chartreuse and pink for the bridesmaids. Thoughts?
00:45:24A string quartet instead of a jazz trio. Thoughts?
00:45:30They say he's the photographer to the stars. Thoughts?
00:45:42Sit your uncle Harold next to my second cousin once removed. I think they'd really get along
00:45:54because it turns out that they both have the same dog. Did you know that? It's crazy. Oh my god.
00:46:12Hello.
00:46:20Did you, uh, get my messages? You're gonna love the photographer. He's awesome. I have tons of
00:46:25dresses and shoes to try on for you and there's more with the doorman. Could you run down and
00:46:29grab some? Sure.
00:46:50Beth, you have got to end this friendship once and for all.
00:46:59You are gone, Leanne Lamont. Once I'm done with this, he is never going to want to see you again.
00:47:17Our relationship to you and your company is officially terminated. Effective now. Wait, what?
00:47:25Our source indicates you've been selling Fallon industry secrets to our competitors. Who's the
00:47:30source? Oh my god. Why would she do this? Lovers scorned, I suppose. No, it's not true. This will
00:47:44ruin me. You know, Asher, I have half a mind to call off your wedding to my bethy-wethy this
00:47:50weekend, but you never speak to me again.
00:47:56So I'm stuck with you. Mr. Fallon, I swear this isn't true. It doesn't matter at this point.
00:48:03It's already in the trades. You're toxic, Asher. Nobody will touch you.
00:48:10So now you get your ass out of my office.
00:48:20Asher? Bitch. What? You jealous bitch. What are you doing? What are you... I'm getting married to
00:48:30someone else on Saturday, so you got jealous and decided to ruin me. Honey? What are you talking
00:48:37about? I would never try to ruin you. Old job, well done. Okay, let's just figure this out. Stay
00:48:43away from me. Asher, you're one of my best friends. We are not friends. Okay, we are nothing.
00:48:54Stay away from me. Don't contact me. Don't speak to me. Don't look at me.
00:48:59You are dead to me.
00:51:29So
00:51:59Oh my god, this is crazy. I didn't write this.
00:52:17Heliotrope purple.
00:52:22It was Beth.
00:52:23She's been trying to break us up all along. Oh my god, wedding's on Saturday. I still want him.
00:52:32Come on, come on, Asher. Okay.
00:52:36Shit, he blocked me?
00:53:06Beth?
00:53:36So
00:54:06Oh my god, she's insane. What are you doing here?
00:54:32Beth, you set me up. You've been trying to break us up, you bitch.
00:54:42I'd say you're in no position to be making accusations, but you're right, and I won.
00:54:51You stay away from me. You're insane.
00:54:57I'll scream.
00:54:58Nobody will hear you.
00:55:06Can't let you ruin my wedding, Leanne.
00:55:12I'm not gonna ruin your wedding. I promise, Beth. Okay? You and Asher are...
00:55:20You're a great couple. He loves you.
00:55:24Why don't I just go away? I'll move. I'll quit my job. Just, please, Beth, don't hurt me, okay?
00:55:37I'm sorry, Leanne. But you've gotta go.
00:55:49I'm sorry, Leanne.
00:55:54But you've gotta go.
00:55:57No!
00:56:54No!
00:57:11Don't bother. That pipe's in there good. You're not going anywhere.
00:57:18You're crazy. You're never getting away with this.
00:57:22Oh, but I will. See, I'm getting married today,
00:57:26and then we'll go on our honeymoon, and when I get back, you'll be dead.
00:57:33I hear starvation is a long and painful death.
00:57:40You bitch. You bitch!
00:57:45Oh, and by the way, you're fired!
00:57:48Toodles!
00:58:18No!
00:58:48No!
00:59:19Okay.
00:59:41No, no, no. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:59:44Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today in front of God and these witnesses to join
01:00:06in. Stop! Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today in front of God and these witnesses
01:00:16to join in. Stop! What are you doing here? Keep going, fast! What's going on, Beth? Security,
01:00:27take this woman away. She's clearly deranged. Come on, dearly beloved, we are gathered here
01:00:32today. Let's go finish it. Mr. Fallon, your daughter wrote this letter, not me, on which
01:00:39she forged my signature. What? That's completely absurd. Is this true? She's crazy. Security!
01:00:51She confessed to it all last night, right after she tried to kill me. Asher, you love
01:00:59me, we're getting married today. Go, go, go! Go away, you crazy bitch! You're ruining everything!
01:01:06Go away, you crazy bitch! You're ruining everything! Beth, how could you? I did it for you, baby,
01:01:20for us. Get off me! I will kill you, I will kill you! Get off me! Hey! No, no, no, no!
01:01:40Beth Fallon, do you take me as cruel to your love if you let me climb? Hey, you okay? Yeah,
01:01:53I think so. Okay, good. God, can someone grab a chair? You okay? Yeah, I think so. Okay,
01:02:08good. God, can someone grab a chair? Babe, hey, wake up, babe. Baby, wake up. Baby, hey,
01:02:22wake up. Wake up, baby. Man. Asher. Yes, it's me. And it's all over. I'm so sorry for everything.
01:02:39I'm more sorry. You saved me. You're my hero. Asher, I love you. I love you. Let me help
01:02:58you. But before I take you to the hospital, I have a question to ask you. Will you marry
01:03:19me? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. They say that sex ruins everything, but sometimes it makes
01:03:37everything better.