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FunTranscript
00:00:00oh my god she's insane what are you doing here
00:00:17you set me up you stay away from me you're insane
00:00:21i can't let you ruin my wedding miss leanne you and asher are you're a great couple i'm sorry leanne
00:00:36but you've gotta go
00:00:41they say that sex ruins everything
00:00:52oh and sometimes they're right how was that baby awesome
00:01:00we done here yeah i think i did my job
00:01:14are we done here yeah baby you're the best you were amazing was it good for you
00:01:22awesome what's your name again
00:01:26money we need to talk what i'm breaking up with you
00:01:34what do you mean you are breaking up with me i mean i'm breaking up with you
00:01:40this isn't working out goodbye money
00:01:46i can't do this anymore what do you mean you were breaking up with me
00:01:49i mean i'm breaking up with you this isn't working out but take care of monique
00:02:03what am i doing
00:02:05hmm
00:02:12so i tell her dude that's not a pickle that's an okra like seriously
00:02:21so she goes totally bonkers on my brother i mean i don't even know what i saw in him in the first
00:02:26place how about you and i and you're just excuse me for a moment i'll be right back
00:02:38so i was thinking how about we get out of here and go back to my place sorry uh i'll be right back
00:02:56oh damn it i'm so sorry oh my god asher yeah what are you doing oh you're drowning my sorrows
00:03:11here same do you wanna grab a drink
00:03:15oh sure
00:03:21how did i ever lose touch with my undergrad bff uh life i guess we should vow to never let that
00:03:28happen again pinky spray pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:38we should vow to never let that happen again pinky spray
00:03:41pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:52thank you oh what about work i actually just started a new job i'm doing marketing at genguard
00:03:59small world they're our biggest client no way wait what do you do i work at a software
00:04:07development startup hey that's cool
00:04:18what about your love life what what about your love life oh my god years of bad sex
00:04:26with jerks a lifetime of one night stands with shallow women cheers mate
00:04:31hey
00:04:35how about we
00:04:38stop it no hey we're friends well if you ever do want a nerve-shattering orgasm i'm your man
00:04:47sex ruins everything yeah i suppose you're right
00:04:51i'll be your wing woman though and i'll be your wing man
00:05:21so
00:05:41i can't remember the last time i had this much fun
00:05:44i can't remember the last time i laughed this hard i think i peed myself a little bit
00:05:51i have that effect on women
00:05:58i forgot how pretty you are thanks i think
00:06:05let's never lose touch again
00:06:07so
00:06:11friends forever
00:06:14friends forever
00:06:37so
00:06:48uh
00:07:06so
00:07:11uh
00:07:35let's do that again
00:07:41oh my god what are you doing here i don't know what am i doing here oh my head
00:07:56my head feels like there's fingernails resting on my brain
00:08:00hey that made sense for here what no no no no no no no no bad idea what last night was a bad idea
00:08:15why because asher you're one of my best friends
00:08:20so
00:08:22fuck sex ruins everything i suppose you're right
00:08:28but still but still
00:08:33i have a proposition what friends with benefits sex without strings
00:08:43you do you i do me and we do each other
00:08:51interesting
00:08:59okay sold
00:09:00and benefits
00:09:05so
00:09:28and i'll need the marketing report for the fourth quarter
00:09:34hello ladies asher
00:09:44you two know each other yeah uh we are we know each other from college he's one of my best friends
00:09:53what are you doing here he's here to see my father wait what daddy owns the company
00:09:58you i know i actually own the company i work at he's worth billions and here i thought i knew
00:10:06everything about you i've been busy since college clearly listen gotta run but talk to you later
00:10:16sure good to see you beth you too
00:10:23oh what a man
00:10:35what's this i took the liberty of drawing up a forensic benefits contract
00:10:40a contract it outlines the parameters of our relationship okay article one nobody knows
00:10:48it might get in the way of us seeing other people good point article two we meet at a
00:10:53mutually agreed upon place at a mutually agreed upon time okay article three honesty and transparency
00:11:01are a must agreed article four no lies no lies
00:11:11article five once one party sleeps with another person the agreement is over
00:11:20i don't like that one gets too complicated otherwise
00:11:26fine
00:11:27okay and finally
00:11:34friends first friends first
00:11:48let's eat
00:11:56so
00:12:26so
00:12:43no i think the wife did it and i think you're insane no you dude
00:12:50stop it
00:12:55will you go out with me what on a date like will you go on a date with me a real one no
00:13:06what i mean no the contract i forget the contract no friends first remember
00:13:16sex romance it ruins everything
00:13:23asher you mean way too much to me for that
00:13:36no
00:13:40come on
00:13:45friends first
00:13:53friends first
00:14:01so see you at seven tonight yes you will
00:14:20he asked me out he asked me out breathe breathe i've been crushing on him for so long
00:14:28on asher yes he asked you out yes on a date yes yes yes will you grab a coffee with me
00:14:36later because you two are such good friends you can give me some tips oh um yeah okay i gotta go
00:14:46getting a mini patty ready for the big plate i'm totally freaking out
00:14:52bye
00:15:02where was he born philadelphia philadelphia uh favorite food um
00:15:09um he likes hot fudge sundaes
00:15:17i like your pen i've never seen that color before
00:15:20daddy has a made for me special it's my favorite color heliotrope purple
00:15:25what about sports
00:15:29but why don't you just ask him this yourself on your date
00:15:32i can't do that if i'm gonna marry this man he's gotta think we're meant to be
00:15:38married you got a problem with that
00:15:47why the two of you never hooked up anyhow me and asher
00:15:54no no no never he's we're we're friends we're best friends good by the way i love your outfit
00:16:04where'd you get it oh mason's on third super cute okay let's carry on uh siblings
00:16:15and being an only child i was an only child as well really cool anyhow being an only child
00:16:23my parents sent me to art camp in philadelphia i was born in philly shut up it's my favorite city
00:16:31where was the school um i
00:16:38can i interest you in some dessert
00:16:45how about we um share a hot fudge sundae that is my favorite dessert
00:16:55i can't believe how much we have in common
00:17:01i had a wonderful time i really hope we can do this again that would be great good night
00:17:13oh my okay thank you
00:17:21i should really head out thank you uh take care why don't you come up
00:17:29and i will fuck you it's within an inch of your life
00:17:36i don't think that would be such a good idea why because i've sworn off one night stands
00:17:45i'm a one night stand no no it uh that's not what i meant it's just sex ruins everything
00:17:51uh let's wait so it can be perfect yeah
00:18:02yes
00:18:06okay toodles
00:18:09you
00:18:14beth who is nice we have a lot in common
00:18:22are you jealous no
00:18:26no
00:18:30did you um did you sleep together no but not for lack of her trying
00:18:39beth she's an animal oh god stop it besides i don't want to ruin our arrangement
00:18:48not for beth you don't yeah my days of one night stands are over i want to wait just in case she
00:18:54is the one you never know i want to get off on the right foot
00:19:05i'm never getting married
00:19:08i'm ready to settle down
00:19:13oh you do you to each his own agree did you steal my fudge
00:19:21maybe
00:19:27it's my strawberry
00:19:35that was rude
00:19:51so
00:20:08you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher true love does not exist
00:20:18you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it friendship first
00:20:26leanne lamont you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher
00:20:32true love does not exist you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it
00:20:38friendship first
00:20:44leanne lamont
00:21:09hey shit i'm so sorry my bad my fault hang on
00:21:24you got a tissue
00:21:29here let me hey what are you doing stop cock-blocking me oh i didn't realize hey asher
00:21:38eric
00:21:42okay well see you guys later
00:21:49here thank you
00:21:53um i'm leanne by the way i'm eric
00:21:57you
00:22:05that was fun yeah it was that fun or was eric fun
00:22:12both okay you gotta watch out for him he's a player
00:22:17so what think i can't handle myself no that's not what i'm saying
00:22:22oh my god are you jealous no i'm not jealous why would i be jealous
00:22:30we're friends with benefits remember yeah you don't have to be a dick about okay i'm
00:22:38not being a dick you're just making another bad choice i can handle myself yeah fine be that way
00:22:52you know maybe things are getting too complicated
00:22:56maybe we need to end this arrangement maybe you're so shut down that you can only date asshole men
00:23:07maybe you should go fuck yourself
00:23:11maybe i will
00:23:23flops for mrs leanne lamont that's me oh my god thank you
00:23:36i'm eric
00:23:43what are you doing here i had a meeting with best dad
00:23:50that's from eric yes
00:23:57they're nice
00:23:58listen um i'm really sorry about last night i was out of line no no i was out of line
00:24:11i'm so sorry about the slap oh my god yeah i deserved it
00:24:20yeah i deserved it
00:24:26friends forever
00:24:29friends forever
00:24:33dinner later sounds awesome
00:24:49oh it's just i'm just so happy you know leanne i think i like asher a lot
00:25:08i think he could be the one oh i think i'm falling in love you've only just started dating
00:25:15have you ever had a connection that's just so deep so immediate that you just know
00:25:25yeah that's us you know he told me he wants us to wait for sex
00:25:33he says he wants to build a strong foundation first
00:25:37i hope you're not jealous oh no i don't know i i just want him to be happy
00:25:47by the way i love your lipstick it's so unique what color is it
00:25:52i love it anyway gotta go toodles
00:26:07why are you so down what's wrong
00:26:12nothing famous last words is it attic
00:26:17like of course not how's beth by the way she thinks that you're gonna settle down with her
00:26:26yeah you never know
00:26:31give me your hand i'll tell you what's gonna happen come on okay okay this is your lifeline
00:26:41it's long if you have a nice long life okay this is your headline for wisdom
00:26:50and looks like you have done some stupid things
00:26:58and this is your love line so you've got a rocky beginning over here
00:27:05but you have a long line of love ahead of you
00:27:09so
00:27:32you wanna go home and fuck great idea
00:28:09okay
00:28:29looks like we had fun last night
00:28:31uh do you have a key
00:28:41i'll be a second
00:29:01oh nice trick right yeah
00:29:11who is that i have no idea hello your front door was unlocked
00:29:31that's how could you
00:29:39beth wait beth oh fuck what have i done
00:29:46what do you mean what have you done beth it's not what it looks like
00:29:50so
00:29:59hey what are you doing i'm leaving i'm getting dressed i'm going i'm feeling kind of yucky i'm
00:30:05sorry okay you didn't do anything it was me i fucked up you said it wasn't serious it wasn't
00:30:12it isn't it doesn't matter i fucked up whatever it is it was i fucked it up okay
00:30:20i guess it's time for us to end this friends with benefits thing
00:30:30yeah
00:30:36friends first
00:30:38hey beth go away
00:30:47i need to talk to you
00:30:53i need to talk to you
00:30:57i need to talk to you
00:31:03i need to talk to you
00:31:08i fire her except daddy said we'd get sued you on the other hand i don't want to speak to you ever
00:31:15again it's not what you think okay it was a stupid game friends with benefits but
00:31:19it's over now okay i promise
00:31:29do you love her of course not okay she means nothing to me
00:31:33really hey i want to see what happens between us you and me please give me another chance
00:31:52i suppose
00:31:56okay
00:32:03so
00:32:11leanne it's me again don't know why you're avoiding me uh i'm so confused friends forever
00:32:18remember eric hi i'm sorry if it's been a while and i've been out of touch but
00:32:30but i would love to see you again if you're up for it
00:32:44asher asher it's me i haven't heard from you in like four hours what's going on are you with leanne call me
00:33:00okay leanne i don't know what i did to drive you away but i'll leave you alone now
00:33:10if you ever want to be friends again you know where to find me
00:33:30it's eric leave a message hey eric um i just wanted to say that i had a great time the other
00:33:43night and i wanted to see what you were doing later asher asher where are you
00:33:49why won't you call me back i know you're with her you lied to me
00:33:53okay miss you call me bye
00:34:03beth i got your 35 messages uh listen i'd really like to get to know you better and
00:34:11spend some time with you but maybe we need to slow things down a bit i'll call you when i can
00:34:23uh
00:34:44hey babe slow down
00:34:47now
00:34:52to love
00:34:56wait love sucks
00:35:02okay i think we've had enough
00:35:07how about we head back to my place
00:35:09okay fabulous
00:35:16easy
00:35:39uh
00:35:45what a good
00:36:09night i'm just so happy to see you again yeah i'm sorry i've been aloof just been going through
00:36:21some stuff you want to talk about it baby no that's okay just life is it leanne i don't want
00:36:28to talk about leanne you know her and eric have gotten hot and heavy i thought she wasn't into
00:36:34eric well when i was out and about this morning i saw her leaving eric's apartment
00:36:41and what looked like her clothes from last night no way she would never he's he's a knob
00:36:47which is why
00:36:50i grabbed a photo i guess she's not the same you think she is
00:37:04so
00:37:34so
00:38:04so
00:38:34oh what the fuck leanne how could you miss that sorry i'm trying my best hey
00:38:44your best isn't good enough he causes the game okay hey you've had too much to do don't tell me
00:38:50what to do woman she can handle herself remember that part of your life everyone
00:38:56asher the loser so embarrassing
00:39:03fucking prick come here
00:39:09come on
00:39:25so
00:39:55so
00:40:04so
00:40:22are you breaking up with me i i wouldn't call it breaking up we only just got back together
00:40:28beth we were never together i mean we went out like six times you said you wanted to see where
00:40:36things went yes and unfortunately they went in another direction i'm so sorry i never meant to
00:40:42hurt you you're fired you can't fire me i don't work at your company and i own mine
00:40:50i'm fired leanne you can't she'll sue
00:40:58okay you're a terrific girl and i really enjoyed our time together
00:41:01and more than anything i truly hope that we can remain friends
00:41:20so
00:41:34ah
00:41:50so
00:42:09so
00:42:19so
00:42:50so
00:43:16xoxo
00:43:20when asher reads this text he's definitely gonna want to break up with you leanne
00:43:27i can't believe you think i'm lying then how do you explain this text i don't know i didn't send it
00:43:34you've been sneaking around with eric and accidentally sent me a text meant for him
00:43:41i'm gonna be so stupid i am not seeing eric why would i cheat on you you're you're my lover you're
00:43:49my best friend clear i am not a cheater i did not send that text and i don't know how it got there
00:44:00but if you want to break up over this then fine i do okay
00:44:20so
00:44:29so
00:44:47i will i will i will
00:44:59wondering if you prefer cream puffs or cheesecake for the dessert or both thoughts
00:45:07please don't marry him you don't love her you're rebounding
00:45:19i'm thinking chartreuse and pink for the bridesmaids thoughts
00:45:24a string quartet instead of a jazz trio thoughts
00:45:28they say he's the photographer to the stars thoughts
00:45:49seat your uncle harold next to my second cousin once removed i think they'd really get along
00:45:54because it turns out that they both have the same dog did you know that it's crazy oh my god
00:46:16hello
00:46:16hello did you uh get my messages you're gonna love the photographer he's awesome i have tons
00:46:25of dresses and shoes to try on for you and there's more with the doorman could
00:46:28you run down and grab them sure
00:46:47oh you have got to end this friendship once and for all
00:47:02you are gone leanne lamont once i'm done with this he is never going to want to see you again
00:47:09ever
00:47:17our relationship to you and your company is officially terminated effective now wait what
00:47:26our source indicates you've been selling fallon industry secrets to our competitors who's the
00:47:31source oh my god why would she do this lovers scorned i suppose no it's not true this will
00:47:45ruin me you know asha i have half a mind to call off your wedding to my betty wetty this weekend
00:47:51but she'd never speak to me again
00:47:54so i'm stuck with you mr fallon i swear this isn't true it doesn't matter at this point
00:48:01it's already in the trades you're toxic asher nobody will touch you
00:48:09so now you get your ass out of my office
00:48:12my office
00:48:22asher bitch what you jealous bitch what are you doing what are you i'm getting married to someone
00:48:30else on saturday so you got jealous and decided to ruin me honey what are you talking about i
00:48:38would never try to ruin you old job well done okay let's just figure this out stay away from me
00:48:46asher you're one of my best friends we are not friends okay we are nothing
00:48:54stay away from me don't contact me don't speak to me don't look at me
00:48:59you are dead to me
00:49:29so
00:49:59so
00:50:29so
00:50:59so
00:51:29so
00:51:45so
00:51:59oh my god this is crazy i didn't write this
00:52:17heliotrope purple
00:52:22it was beth
00:52:23she's been trying to break us up all along oh my god i think it's on saturday i still want him
00:52:32come on come on
00:52:34she's been trying to break us up all along oh my god i think it's on saturday i still want him
00:52:43come on come on
00:52:54shit he blocked me
00:53:05so
00:53:23yes
00:53:34so
00:53:48oh
00:54:04so
00:54:26oh my god she's insane what are you doing here
00:54:35beth you set me up you've been trying to break us up you bitch i'd say you're in no
00:54:43position to be making accusations but you're right and i won you stay away from me you're insane
00:54:57i'll scream nobody will hear you
00:55:05i can't let you ruin my wedding
00:55:12i'm not gonna ruin your wedding i promise beth okay you and asher are you're a great couple
00:55:23he loves you
00:55:23why don't i just go away i'll move i'll quit my job just please
00:55:36don't hurt me okay i'm sorry
00:55:43you've got to go
00:55:50i'm sorry
00:55:53you've got to go
00:56:23um
00:56:38so
00:56:56yeah
00:57:07okay
00:57:11don't bother that pipe's in there good you're not going anywhere
00:57:18you're crazy you're never getting away with it oh but i will see i'm getting married today
00:57:26and then we'll go on our honeymoon and when i get back you'll be dead
00:57:30dead i hear starvation is a long and painful death
00:57:40you bitch you bitch oh and by the way you're fired
00:58:00so
00:58:31so
00:58:42oh
00:59:00so
00:59:11okay
00:59:31yes
00:59:46come on
00:59:54so
01:00:00dearly beloved we're gathered here today in front of god and these witnesses to join in stop
01:00:10dearly beloved we're gathered here today
01:00:13in front of god and these witnesses to join in stop
01:00:17stop what are you doing here keep going fast what's going on beth security take this woman
01:00:27away she's clearly deranged come on dearly beloved we are gathered here today let's go
01:00:32finish it mr fallon your daughter wrote this letter not me on which she forged my signature
01:00:41what it's completely absurd
01:00:46is this true oh she's crazy security
01:00:51she confessed to it all last night right after she tried to kill me
01:00:58asher you love me we're getting married today go go go
01:01:02go away you crazy bitch for ruining everything
01:01:12go away you crazy bitch for ruining everything
01:01:16beth how could you i did it for you baby for us get off me
01:01:26i will kill you i will kill you
01:01:31oh
01:01:49you okay yeah i think so okay god did someone grab a chair
01:02:02babe hey wake up babe maybe wake up baby hey wake up wake up baby man oh
01:02:14sure yes it's me and it's all over
01:02:19i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
01:02:26i'm sure yes it's me and it's all over
01:02:36i'm so sorry for everything i'm more sorry you saved me you're my hero
01:02:42i'm sure i love you i love you
01:02:57let me help you
01:03:04uh but before i take you to the hospital i have a question to ask you
01:03:13uh will you marry me
01:03:22yes yes yes yes
01:03:31they say that sex ruins everything but sometimes it makes everything better
01:03:42you