What do sheep and cocoa have in common? Hopefully nothing, but games may surprise you there.
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00:00So, when it comes to video games, of course, for every super serious narrative and emotional
00:06through-line you can have, you get an equally silly or over-the-top game that doesn't
00:11take itself too seriously. And you know what, there are some great jokes in video games
00:16that are full of nuance, self-referential humour, and consist of complex diatribes and
00:21dialogues. But we're not talking about those today, we're gonna be talking about the
00:24dirty jokes, so toss out all your G-rated sensibilities, as I'm Jules, this is What
00:29Culture.com, and these are 10 Dirty Jokes Hidden In Your Favourite Video Games.
00:3410. Split what? You're not wearing any pants. Animal Crossing
00:40Animal Crossing is aimed at children, regardless of how many adults enjoy playing it. And the
00:45Animal Crossing series, regardless of its audience, is filled with innuendo and crude
00:49humour, which in part is what makes it so fun. Whether it's catching a beetle and
00:53getting a joke about stag parties, or the fact the engagement ring in a box that Tom
00:57Nook sells in New Horizons costs 69,000 bells, and you even get the certainly-blink-and-you'll-miss-it
01:02moment where Harve is watching what appears to be a, um, casting-couch-style video and
01:07quickly changes it when you enter his place. But one of the best is a potential conversation
01:12between villagers that goes something like this.
01:14Don't look, I've just split my pants. You aren't wearing any pants, so what just
01:18split? Um, gotta go!
01:20A solid butt-crack joke. Oh ho ho ho. And if that's not funny enough for you, then
01:26of course there comes a close second, which is the fact that Tom Nook is not actually
01:30a raccoon, but rather a tanooki, a creature known for having abnormally large testicles.
01:36Charging 69,000 bells for a ring? Well, that does take some massive balls.
01:419. Don't Thrust Deeply Into The Motherland – Command & Conquer
01:46The third entry in the Red Alert series of the Command & Conquer franchise is filled
01:51with just as much camp and parody as any of the other games in the series. Replete with
01:55great lines such as Tim Curry's beautiful delivery of, I'm escaping to the one place
02:00that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism, SPACE. Then, of course, you have the Soviet
02:05faction's hammer tank that spouts solid lines like, who's ready for a good pounding?
02:10But the, uh, creme de la creme, as it were, choice for this entry is Soviet General Krukov's
02:16chastisement between missions for you taking too long to rescue him. While you were hiding
02:20behind your barricades in Leningrad, the enemy was thrusting deeply into the motherland's
02:25tender nether regions. I mean, it speaks for itself.
02:298. Her Ladyship My Balls Itch – Dragon Age
02:33Dragon Age has its fair share of solid dirty jokes, especially amongst the flirty commentary
02:38you can have with the Warden concerning the licking of lamp posts in winter, which, by
02:42the way, is an item you can acquire under certain conditions in the expansion pack.
02:47Perhaps it's a bit sophomoric, but there's some stupid joy to be had in Dragon Age Inquisition
02:51during the ball when the Herald introduces a certain noblewoman to the crowd. Her Ladyship
02:56My Balls Itch, of course. The pun is apparent, especially when the Herald then laughs afterwards,
03:02so perhaps it's not hidden so well. But you know what, it's so over-the-top and
03:11stupid, it had to be included in this list.
03:137. Spartan Barrack Forward March – Alpha Centauri
03:18Sid Meier's classic Alpha Centauri was released in 1999 and was set in a futuristic
03:23universe that was essentially what would happen if your civilization playthrough made it to
03:27space and lasted into the 23rd century. There aren't a whole lot of opportunities for
03:31good sex jokes in 4X games without getting obscure, you might think at least, but Sid
03:36Meier's crew thought differently.
03:38One of the facilities that you can build on your space base is the Network Node. It improves
03:42lab efficiency and unlocks alien artefact research options. Some of the Spartan soldiers
03:47on your base also have something to say about the things in their barracks.
03:51I don't know what I've been told, Deirdre's got a network node, likes to press the on-off
03:57switch, dig that crazy guy and witch.
04:00And this is spoken in full military cadence with a call-and-repeat response, followed
04:03by a command-to-march.
04:046. The Disturbing Truth Behind That Pet Sheep – Total War
04:14While as I mentioned with Alpha Centauri, tactical games are not often filled with blatant
04:19innuendo. Diablo II had a basically naked scorpion-tailed demon, and Nova wears a skin-tight
04:24suit in Starcraft. Maybe strategy games are replete with sexual references, but Creative
04:29Assembly's Total War series is not particularly known for them.
04:33Cue Total War Rome's numerous ancillaries, which are items that boost features for a
04:38character, including the courtesan and the dancer.
04:41But there's an ancillary that really must be mentioned here, and that is the pets.
04:45And there are a few animals that you can take as pets. A horse, a dog, a lion, and a sheep
04:50for instance.
04:51The lion has a menacing passage about feeding it human flesh, but the description for the
04:55item pet sheep is, ahem, being away from home and loved ones can be a lonely life.
05:01So yeah, after reading that aloud, poor old sheep.
05:055. Nintendo Has a Boundary Issue – Zelda and Mario
05:09I'm not sure if anyone at Nintendo ever told their writers that reading a lady's
05:13diary without her permission is a breach of privacy, but it seems to be a regular occurrence
05:18in Nintendo games, and the greatest heroes of their franchise are guilty of the deed.
05:23In Super Mario RPG for the Schneers, the player, as Mario, gets to examine Princess Peach's
05:28bedroom. While there, they can examine a nook behind the fireplace, and find what is referred
05:32to as Toadstool's question mark question mark question mark, and in the original Japanese
05:37version it's even called Peach's triple X. If Peach is in your party, she'll even
05:42scold you for violating her privacy.
05:45Likewise, our good old hero of time Link can violate a young lady's privacy by reading
05:49a hidden journal which contains a passage suggesting that Link has a horny secret admirer.
05:54That new guy in town looks like he really knows how to tune a bow. I hope he comes by
05:58and knocks an arrow for me, it's been way too long.
06:02Alright, I'm just gonna close this book now because that is dirty.
06:05But speaking of books, number four, the sentient books, Secret of Mana.
06:10In the Schneers' classic Secret of Mana, or Seiken Densetsu 2 in Japan if you wanna
06:15be a weeb about it, there are a pair of enemies that you can fight called the Mystic Book
06:19and the National Scar. They are sentient books who float around and flip themselves open
06:23to random pages that then fire off a variety of spells, and one of the pages that they
06:27can land on, however, does not contain a thunder spell or a fire spell, but instead
06:32it must be some sort of charm spell? Because sometimes the book enemies will flip open
06:36to a centerfold style picture of a nude blonde woman with a heart just above her buttocks.
06:41The book will then get flustered and flip itself closed before trying again.
06:45This little tidbit is funny because this came during a time when Nintendo were super conservative
06:49with its censorship levels, especially for English ports. The theory is that because
06:52the book flips to the page so rarely, none of the censors ever saw it occur when testing
06:57the game.
06:583. Do You Want Some...Coco? – SteamBot Chronicles
07:03SteamBot Chronicles was a great underrated game with an adorable, if not rather depressing
07:08world, as well as interesting characters and a dark plot twist that was the spice of life,
07:12my friend. And you know what, spice of life is actually quite applicable here because
07:15half the cast is named after cooking seasonings. A few of the characters in this game are able
07:20to be courted in a romantic fashion, and this is where the game can get that little extra
07:24weird. If you invite a lady up to your apartment and make some dinner with them, you might
07:29be able to get her into the right mood through food and conversations, and if you have the
07:33right item, you can get her to sit on your bed and clean your ears with a cotton swab.
07:37No, I'm not joking.
07:39While she's swabbing your wax deck, you can, as the game calls it, make your move.
07:44This of course makes her a cup of hot chocolate. Cue the screen going dark and the character
07:49saying a sultry line like, mmm, delicious. I guess there's a reason that this game
07:54is sometimes called the Grand Theft Auto of video games, but without any of the psychopaths.
07:592. Joker's Not-Safe-For-Work Viewing Habits – Mass Effect
08:04Mass Effect has no small number of dirty jokes scattered throughout the original trilogy,
08:08and of course when it came to Andromeda's first release, it itself was a dirty joke
08:11because it was a disgusting dump right over your face. But one of the best lines in the
08:15entire series comes from Mass Effect 2, when trying to romance Garrus. After using the
08:20term cross-species intercourse, he admits that he feels dirty and clinical. But that
08:24doesn't try to stop him from trying to flirt a bit a moment later, by promising music and
08:28research to figure out how to make it happen. When you finally decide to actually go for
08:32it, he fires off this great line, you know me, I always like to savour the last shot
08:36before popping the heat sink. Then, after a mild pause and a grin from Shepard, he follows
08:41up with, wait, that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.
08:45As adorable as flirty Garrus is though, the absolute best hidden dirty joke has to be
08:49when you're standing around in the cockpit and hear some moaning sounds before Joker
08:53quips, whoops, sorry, that was supposed to go into my earpiece. Bad boy, Joker, you're
09:03watching porn on the job, come on, mate.
09:06At number one, I like a man with a big vocabulary. Phoenix Wright
09:11The Phoenix Wright series is overflowing with innuendo in both the Japanese and English
09:15versions. Solid quality lines like when Athena says, tie me up, wait, you're not into that,
09:21are you? Or the gigantic breasted defence attorney commenting, well, we all know those
09:25milkshakes brings the boys to the yard. And maybe you like the scene where the ventriloquist
09:29dummy says, the pace sucks, the clown sucks, and my partner has his hand up my pants. But
09:33you know what the best, or worst, choice, depending on how you look at it, comes from
09:37when one of the witnesses, the flirtatious April, gives the sultry line, I like a man
09:41with a big vocabulary.
09:44It's stupid, it's dumb, but again, it's in total keeping with this over-the-top and
09:48silly game.
09:49And there we go, my friends, those were ten dirty jokes hidden in your favourite video
09:53games. I hope that you enjoyed that, and please let me know what you thought about it down
09:56in the comments section below. As always, I've been Jules, you can go follow me over
10:00on Twitter at RetroJWithA0, or you can swing by Liv and Let's Dice, where I do all my
10:05streaming outside of work and also do my Warhammer Battle Reports as well, and it'd be great
10:08to see you over there. But before I go, I just want to say one thing. We discussed today
10:12a lot about silly jokes in video games, but you, my friend, you are not a punchline, you
10:16are not a joke, you are a big ledge, and I want nothing but the best for you. I want
10:20you to go out there and smash your life goals today, because you deserve all of the best
10:24things in life, and do not let anything or anyone else tell you otherwise, alright? You
10:28are a massive ledge. Now go out there and smash it. As always, I've been Jules, you
10:33have been awesome, never forget that, and I'll speak to you soon. Bye.