Veep Season 7 Episode 2 Discovery Weekend
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00:00Mike McClintock BuzzFeed magazine print edition, okay
00:08What would you say to someone who might ask how can they marry their step?
00:13Siblings, I'm not her brother, and I never was except for that one year
00:18Thinking of having this baby, and I'm not asking anything of you literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father
00:26Okay, good night. Yeah, nighty
00:28Man you need to see this. I believe that our country will always be a shining beacon of hope. Oh, God. He looks good
00:47Swing your partner swing your partner
00:50Then I really don't like being told what to do well Felix
00:54White is the biggest butler of the party and he loves making millionaire squirt
00:58Bad news ma'am the u.s.. Attorney's office in New York has
01:02Enpaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meijer fund and looking at Andrew as a target
01:10We're swinging together, I would have invited my wife
01:13But she's a squirter and that dress doesn't look like it's been scotch-garded ever the charmer mr.
01:20Roller away, okay, when do we get the check from Felix end of the weekend?
01:24He's gonna make the official at the final dinner, okay?
01:27Well for that amount of money to my campaign I'll do-si-do for his do-si-do
01:36Welcome to my 16th annual
01:39Discovery weekend we're here in Aspen to build bridges to the future
01:45Bridges made of ideas no wonder the rest of world hates us gal king is here. Oh my god
01:53But you're not here just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions to the problems of tomorrow you want a square dance
02:06I waited a long time for this. I guess Felix wait. I always thought I was lightweight
02:12Damn it. I hate that word. Why are you so skinny? No? Oh, yeah, I?
02:18Ran a little Intel and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says oh come on
02:25That is idiotic is he really that insecure?
02:34Madam president oh I am thrilled that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers
02:40Well, I'll tell you a secret
02:42It's the only reason I'm really running for president
02:46Really, I feel like you should have a better reason than that
02:52Wait Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? It's been a delight. I'll see you later
02:57It has been a delight, and you shall see me later. Thank you very much
03:02Okay
03:03Isn't it astounding that the next president of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex record?
03:11The electoral college hasn't actually been hitting it out of the park
03:14And I mean is it just me or does Felix's friend seem a little yeah?
03:18He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him man Felix Wade sexuality is the worst best kept secret since Clyde
03:24Tulson's hysterical pregnancy the man lives in a vast invisible closet. I'm amazing. I'm gonna be sick
03:33It always has to be about her
03:37Can you see if they can make me a specialty cocktail
03:55Gary I've been having an upset stomach cuz I
04:06I
04:12Don't say anything
04:21There it is
04:23Hey came here
04:25No, she got fired for sleeping with you BuzzFeed runs a notoriously tight ship. I should probably thank you
04:31You are looking at the new
04:33Deputy senior editor they're putting me up and all I gotta do is sit on some panel for new media innovators
04:39What do you know about new media Mike two nine seven four eight at AOL calm?
04:43Oh, no, I got hacked Mike five three seven two nine
04:48Still at AOL though right till I die
04:54What well it's about time yeah, and I'll tell you something she might want to consider a little more purging a little less
05:01You know God that girl can't do anything right man. I am so sorry. Hey, you got some vomit on your mustache
05:09What the Rocky Mountain fuck Ben I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing
05:15Uh, so I was told so why don't you go find it? I'm gonna shut it down ma'am
05:21Tom
05:22Look what the Gulfstream dragged it gosh. I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule
05:30For 30 can't can you remind me real quick?
05:34How many points am I beating Tom by Des Moines register says 18 points? Oh?
05:4018 points. Oh my goodness that makes me moister than an oyster. Let's remind us four points, okay?
05:45Still pretty moist although a lot of Iowans no longer have landlines senator James. We need to keep moving
05:52ma'am
05:54Good lord, what's up with frigid von pull up her ass that is my deputy chief of staff Michelle York
06:00She's basically my Amy well my Amy has bulimia. Yeah, no one likes a practice. Hey Tom
06:06What are you doing here? Just an old friend of Felix's I guess you thought I'd enjoy a weekend in Aspen uh-huh make some
06:15New friends
06:17Oh
06:20Good morning jerk-offs
06:22Ma'am apparently last night Tom and Felix ended up closing down the casa Migos tequila ideas bar together
06:30Now Felix's people are saying that he wants to choose between you and Tom. Oh
06:35Yeah, I want all eyes on Tom now
06:39He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between him like the cross bees on an Eiffel Tower
06:45Three-way and then that the devil's threesome isn't that senator Talbot over there
06:50She used to run the SDNY she might be able to help us with the Andrews situation
06:55Yeah, Gary go and get her for me right now
06:59You know I actually consider her to be a bit of a protege does she know that I thought I was your protege
07:05You know you're Ben's protege. Hmm. Not a very good one. You know something man
07:10Hmm senator Talbot might not be a terrible choice for a running mate an all-female ticket
07:15I don't think so
07:17The American people work hard for a living. Okay. They don't need that kind of bullshit
07:27Very nice to meet you nice to meet you
07:30How are things on the hill ah crazy as ever did senator aisles try and
07:35Grab your ass. Oh, yeah, he used to say that mine was like a candy apple
07:41Actually senator aisles is under investigation right now so for what?
07:46For the inappropriate. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right cuz that's bad now. Yeah, so Tom James is on the move
08:07Wow that is so
08:09Incredible I did not see you there. Well. That's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck just bump into me sight unseen
08:17So I heard you had a very big night with Felix last night
08:21You really should have been there. You know it's one thing
08:24I've learned in politics a lot of the best stuff happens after hours. Oh
08:28That's so captain Morgan. Well. Thank you so much for man. Telling me that I believe the words you're fumbling for is mansplaining
08:36Man okay splinter we have to go and a president
08:41Yeah, I
08:44Got a picture of
08:46what of
08:48his Amy
08:49is who
08:51His Amy ma'am. I don't see it seriously with this and the
08:56Ma'am I got a picture of his schedule presentation on compost at the treehouse theater, and I am Felix will be there with him
09:03Okay, I'm Amy seriously. I know I rarely say this, but that was really okay
09:12Did you say what she had for breakfast?
09:14And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. There is no doubt about that. Okay. Let's go to compost okay
09:21Yeah, what is compass?
09:23What I think we'd really like to get at congressman is what sets you apart from the other candidates well for one thing
09:29I have a lot of new ideas
09:34And what are some of those new ideas well science tells us that it will be difficult
09:41but within five years I
09:43Want America to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres up top?
09:53Thank You Richard, I think you do that one
09:57It's pretty good right. It's great. Yeah, she's a lesbian. No we get it right
10:03Okay congressman Ryan
10:04I'd like you to address some rumors that have been circulating online that you made inappropriate advances toward a female staffer on Capitol Hill
10:12I'm sorry Derek. Can we have a minute?
10:16Just one moment
10:19Apparently there's been an anonymous posting about a dead-eyed
10:23Lantern jawed one-and-done Congress tard who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner
10:30Okay, well that could be anybody sounds like you Jonah. Who have you traumatized and start with the doctor who delivered you?
10:36I haven't traumatized anyone. Oh, there's your aide. I'm a grave. Oh, she's not she was stuck up
10:41I was just calling her on and congressman Troy and Visconti Oh monster tits and monster tits jr.
10:46But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they have bras big enough to handle all that meat
10:52That's a congressional prayer breakfast. Yeah, it was exactly what Jesus would have done. I mean he's a man, too
10:57Teddy okay. Listen Jonah
11:00if anyone asks
11:02Tell him you've been chemically castrated. Okay, it's very easy to lie about believe me. Nobody checks. Okay
11:12That was a waste of time, okay
11:15I need like a tub of this stuff where have you been Tom and Felix spent the entire morning French-breeding each other's bald spots
11:21Somebody's got to go in there and lure Felix out
11:25Okay, I can
11:29That's right, I hope he's Felix's type current gay parlance
11:33Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter someone called a frost otter. It's always you mr.
11:39Wait, I was wondering if I could steal my way, please. We're busy
11:43Bye, Dan
11:45Nice try grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century
11:50I'm 39 and a half. You may want to start coloring that gray. Just a thought
11:57By now
12:00What Dan I need a minute Oh
12:04What's wrong with him? Hmm
12:07Something's going around or something cuz my stomach. Oh Amy, please
12:10We all know okay, and I would give you one word of advice, which is to try
12:17Laxatives I'll tell you why it saves your teeth. I'm pregnant
12:33I'm pregnant. That's not funny. Okay. Now I'm gonna be sir. How did that happen?
12:38I don't one night with Dan. I don't Dan fuck you. Mm-hmm. What were you wearing a full-length mirror?
12:46Fair almighty should have had you fixed years ago. Listen, I did not spend my entire life
12:53Defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this
12:57Jesus Christ
13:00Bravo
13:02I can't count the number of times. I've wanted to say the same thing
13:06Do you know that there's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids?
13:12What was she a possum actually Korean, but that's very funny Selena
13:16Yeah, did you care to take a little nature walk with me? Oh, I would care to do that. Thank you
13:23No, yeah, no
13:25The thing I realized about hip-hop before anyone else is that the artists
13:31Would sign away the publishing rights for next nothing
13:35Oh
13:40You know Selena to be honest, I've been telling people for years that you're a bit of a lightweight
13:46well
13:47Yes, I mean I can be a bit of a lightweight. You said it not me
13:53But it takes a brave person to be able to see one shortcoming. Yeah in this day and age. It's very very
14:01Refreshing refreshing was the word I meant exactly thinking. Yes, you know
14:07We do this little thing here called the marshmallow roast talk
14:10Do you think you could throw together a few remarks because I really want to hear more of what you have to say
14:16You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say
14:19I would suspect that I have many guests here that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to
14:24Say that brain of yours is fascinating to me
14:28scares me sometimes
14:29Jonah your accuser is here. Oh miss white. Thank you
14:34so much for joining us the congressman has
14:38something prepared and
14:40Very heartfelt. He would like to say to you
14:45I'm sorry, Amanda if I behaved in a way that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate
14:50Alright, God, you know and you should try smiling more
14:54We have this non-disclosure agreement for you to sign
14:59in exchange
15:00Actually, I was hoping Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement
15:05It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated. I'm sorry. There's no way I'm gonna sign that
15:11You are a stone-cold neck down hottie. I want the whole world to know we did
15:15We had one working lunch and we split the bill. I split the bill on all my dates
15:21Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?
15:23Nothing professional about my behavior nothing happened. Mr. Ryan. I'm in a relationship with a good
15:30Normal man who loves me. Yeah normal, but if he were to find out that we even had lunch together
15:36Well, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it. God. You're making jerk Jesus just sign this. No Teddy
15:44Jonah Ryan will not be silenced
15:48We dated
15:51We dated and
15:53The world's gonna know that
15:56Madam president Felix is going to introduce you. Here's your marshmallow stick. Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? Okay
16:07Knock knock oh
16:09Shit, just wanted to say
16:12Congratulations, Selena. Oh and I did everything I could to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech
16:17It's not the greatest listener. Did you offer to blow him tut tut Selena? We do not refer to mr.
16:24Wade sexual orientation. Sorry, but yes. Yes, I did. Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay probably read it in our books
16:36I love you. I love you too. Tom go fuck
16:43Selena I mean it
16:45We're in my head all the time you always have been and you always will be yeah, I love you, ma'am. Yeah
17:08Oh
17:11Thank You Felix for this incredible opportunity
17:15I don't I don't think it's
17:19Controversial for for me to say to you
17:27I mean, you know
17:31The movers and shakers who confront the you know
17:36Challenges
17:41That we face both, you know abroad and and
17:47You know at home
17:50We
17:54You know, we
17:56You know leadership, you know, I mean is a tricky
18:02She's having a textbook and yours looks like a goddess and and and and and and
18:11That's tricky Tom, yeah, can I talk to you just for a second? Sure. Yeah
18:19Okay
18:21Let me have it hey, you don't get to smile about this. Okay. What are you some sort of sociopath?
18:28Some sort of sociopath that was the most
18:32Humiliating experience I've had in my entire life and I was vice president. I had a heart attack
18:40What eight months ago
18:44Quadruple bypass the old James ticker
18:47Which I was all for I want to kill my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoes on the other ventricle
18:53Mm-hmm, which I thought you might be interested in right? No, I do. I mean, I'm sorry. No, you're good
18:59That was in Iraq senator. Yes in Afghanistan. Okay
19:04Wait, what are you saying?
19:07Lying there with a lot of tubes and wires sticking out of me
19:10And all I could think was all the things I wish I'd said to you and things I wish I'd done
19:15We've done I had a heart attack, too
19:17Mm-hmm. I did really about a year and a half ago
19:22What we covered the whole thing up. We call mine a routine prostate procedure
19:28Well, yeah men have it so easy people assumed I was having a facelift
19:33And then when I did have a facelift, I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops
19:37I had my facelift. We told people that you were having a facelift
19:42So
19:45You love me
19:49Maybe there's an alternate universe. We're not in politics. We're just
19:57Unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs
20:00Uh-huh. Yeah, we're not in politics. We're not in politics
20:04Politics we're just
20:07Unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs. Uh-huh. And you work at a car dealership, huh? System manager. Oh
20:16We argue about how much money we're spending on landscaping I think you
20:20Learned a little too much with the kids tennis coach and then we blow each other's brains out. Yeah
20:34I
20:37Don't see this or my bedtime
20:44Unless somebody drops out of the race
20:50Let's face it if you were the kind of woman who chose me over the presidency I wouldn't want you so crazily
20:59I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral
21:04Good night, Selena
21:17Hey
21:19Saw the whole thing didn't you? I did
21:22How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?
21:28Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me come until I cry
21:34I think it's peppermint
21:43You okay down
21:45Ames am I getting old? I swear. I feel like I'm five minutes away from fiber supplements and voting in midterms
21:51I mean we all are I mean, maybe I gotta stop fooling around. I mean, maybe that's it. Maybe I
21:56Cut out all the meaningless sex with girls half my age
22:00I mean you pull it out to come on our tits cuz you you think it's gonna make you feel alive
22:05but it doesn't matter where you come names, you know, it just doesn't it just
22:10It doesn't
22:13Sometimes it's good to think about the future
22:18Don't know what I'd do without you
22:21Oh
22:29Okay after last night none of these
22:32Masturbators of the universe are even looking me in the eye ever since Felix decided to back Tom
22:37And isn't that Tom over there with your protege?
22:40What who? Oh?
22:43Tom and Kimmy would be a formidable ticket
22:46Reassure the people that look like him that the country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her
22:54Take a few deep breaths tell me how to breathe
22:57Good morning
22:59Hey Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? I've said everything we need to you know, like you repeatedly said last night
23:07Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things. How about we disrupt the election?
23:16Let's get her get like now
23:20Get out
23:22Tell me more Salina. Yeah, I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine
23:34Good for you, um, we
23:39We don't wait for the convention Felix I name my running mate now
23:46Even before the Iowa caucus, no one has ever done that before you do
23:55Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something you gave me the idea I'm not shocked about that
24:02Thank you for having me a lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers
24:08And now here we are a lot of you are wearing diapers
24:12Oh
24:15Yeah, well you might all know that old chestnut mother knows best I think there's a lot of truth in that
24:26Lion Ryan
24:36Well, that's not true we had one meal together
24:39But it was strictly professional and in the presence of others
24:45It was really more of a group thing
24:48Come on, he once tried to friend me on Facebook and I did that thing where I never responded
24:56Yes, or no
24:58hoping
24:59praying
25:01That it would end
25:03His behavior was completely appropriate at all. Oh, no, I was all over
25:09I got super hands for too long women have been silent in the face of rumors. They went out with congressman Ryan
25:15But finally people are starting to believe woman and I believe Amanda when she says not me
25:23Not me. Oh, that's catchy, too
25:27Felix I'd like to introduce you to senator
25:31Aloha follow up me. Yes. Tell that Kemi is the
25:37Future of our party and a whole female ticket. I mean the first one says Carter Mondale
25:47I'm not mad at that
25:48Kemi is it would you care to take a little nature walk with Selena and me? Absolutely. Yeah
25:53I love nature mind if I tag along no Tom
25:58That would be awkward
26:00Change my mind again
26:03You know
26:07I
26:11Been thinking a lot about what you said it so maybe it's time for us to settle down
26:19I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19 year old caterer waitress. Okay, go and get this
26:24Thank you
26:32Hi, yes, I would like to schedule an appointment with one of your OBGYNs
26:39Yes, it's for an abortion yes, I'm sure oh do you also do flu shots
26:54Oh
26:58Congratulations, ma'am, mr. Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him at tonight's farewell dinner
27:04Show me some money. Duh
27:07The what the money show me. No
27:12Hey, I'm some prosecco
27:15No one literally no one ever wants prosecco. Give me that ma'am. You're gonna be drowning in money
27:20So dark you get shot entering its own apartment
27:23We gotta leak this everywhere. Okay, sir. It's America's first two-cooter ticket
27:29Look great on a button and Mike works for the Internet now, right Tom. We got a big
27:34Thing. I'm now I saw him earlier at the Sunday bar struggling with the sprinkle dispenser. Hey, ma'am
27:40Do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? Oh, yeah
27:44Not going to believe it Tom James is fucking Michelle
27:49Who who?
27:50his deputy chief of staff
27:54Who is that?
27:55He's Amy. Oh
27:59What
28:00How dare that smooth shit sack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone?
28:08That's not me. Hey, man, what about this? I think it compliments Felix a spray tan really well
28:14He doesn't give a shit
28:15Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair and assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva
28:23can you
28:25Where is Tom James Felix Wade is gay
28:28Thank you, ma'am
28:30Jonah even more women are stepping forward to say they never dated you the not me hashtag blowing up big-time
28:36It's a goddamn movement. Well, the good news is our approval rating in New Hampshire is skyrocketing. Yeah
28:43Wait, hold that thought
28:44Stop that down. Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office. Let's not do that
28:48All right
28:50Women have joined not me to say they've never dated you and never will okay thousands of unattractive women. This is Ryan any comment
28:57I stand behind these brave unattractive women who have come forward to say not me, you know
29:02Once upon a time back in high school. I too did not date Jonah Ryan
29:06Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra and it's important to note that they only got to third base
29:12Thank you. No comment. Oh
29:14Check out the speed looks like we're not the only campaign farted and had to throw their pants away
29:19Selena Meyer just outed Felix Wade. Oh, oh and there's another hashtag trending
29:25Utah, I know that's upside down still not me. You should lock your screen. Yeah
29:33Where is that fat face freckles fuck it up against hiding in the bathroom and making pretend diarrhea noises
29:40Just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet wrote an article that people actually read including Felix
29:45Oh, by the way, man moved you to table 37 along with his driver and his daughter. Oh
29:50Okay. Well, I guess I need to go and congratulate him now. I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his he likes it
30:01Hi there Tom, hey, I heard you had a very busy afternoon working your staff to the bone
30:08I'd ask what you did this afternoon, but I think I read something
30:13Did mrs. James send you to chaperone Oh
30:17Because back in our old Senate days this one here had a real thing for blonde
30:23Hill-rats and nine-whis pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle, but as a long time ago, so
30:30You know what? I love is a spicy mezcal margarita with light agave and heavy salt
30:37What are you looking at him for?
30:39Ma'am, I'm the senator's deputy chief of staff. Oh
30:44Congratulations, and you probably won't fuck it up
30:51Oh
30:52Watch where you're going. Sorry, madam. Uh-huh light agave. Yes. Yes. I
31:01Feel so sorry for whoever's sick in their dick in that bag of mayonnaise
31:06I'll find my seat. Yeah. Oh, well give my regards to Felix and his checkbook. Sadly. I am NOT the recipients of mr
31:14Wade's munificence
31:16What?
31:17Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me. Oh
31:21Did he have you met senator Talbot? I like to say she's the future of the party. I mean look at her
31:27Fuck me in the ass and she's running for president. I don't know what she is, but it's great. It's great. So excited
31:35It is great. So exciting
31:38Trimacial plot stab me in the pack
31:41She really is your protégé
31:45See you on the trail
31:48So nice to be back home in Iowa places a dump new polls from New Hampshire
31:53Seems yeah, you just left yesterday, but your numbers are already way up. Yeah
31:57No, yeah, that's right way up. Oh nice. Maybe I should just stop campaigning all together couldn't hurt
32:03Oh, hey, there are some more boxes in the car. Have you grabbed those? Yeah
32:07Oh, remember lift with your back your legs legs. No, you lift with your back. Oh, that's incorrect
32:14Okay. Well that could probably be the main cause for your scoliosis