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Transcript
00:00:00Well, ever since our last episode, which was around 1964, give or take a couple of weeks,
00:00:26there's been a lot of water under the bridge.
00:00:29Cities have fallen. Governments have toppled. Yes, the winds of Glasnost have swept Eastern
00:00:32Europe and the world will never be the same. Crowds of people have massed in the streets,
00:00:36cheering and celebrating their newfound freedom. Yes, everyone is just delighted.
00:00:41Yay!
00:00:43All except for one little tiny country where the Cold War is still freezing. A puny pipsqueak
00:00:48principality where nastiness is a virtue, where being mean and rotten is the national
00:00:52pastime, and everyone spends so much time double-crossing each other that they don't
00:00:56even have time for lunch. Yes, neatly nestled between the borders of
00:01:00Wrestlevania and Yersovania. That's right. Oh, boy. You guessed it. Hokey smoke. Watch
00:01:05me pull a rabbit out of my hat. It's that schnook capital of the world, Hotselvania.
00:01:11And as our story opens, the meanest, nastiest, no-goodnik of them all, the man they call
00:01:16Fearless Leader.
00:01:18You're welcome, has a very big problem. And so he has called in his best operative, a
00:01:24man so sinister, so dangerous, so badly lit, he's known only as Agent X.
00:01:32Where the hell have you been? I don't see that that's any of your business.
00:01:37And with the pleasantries out of the way, Fearless Leader explained the whole story,
00:01:40beginning with the most astonishing scientific breakthrough in the history of the world.
00:01:44Presenting time-reverse microchip demonstration number one.
00:01:53The microchip is in place. My brother, Krigo, will shatter the beak, and the release of
00:02:00energy will trigger the microchip.
00:02:02Obviously, the implications of this invention are staggering. The microchip freezes time,
00:02:16then backs it up three seconds. We can reverse catastrophes, save lives, even protect the
00:02:23military by rendering any object indestructible. With this remarkable device, there is virtually
00:02:31no limit to the benefits for mankind. We feel this invention is the most astonishing scientific
00:02:38breakthrough.
00:02:39I'm impressed. With a chip like that, a man could rule the world.
00:02:45Yes. Unfortunately, three days after that film was made, Pavlovich took the chip and
00:02:52disappeared.
00:02:53I see. And I am supposed to find him and bring him back.
00:02:57You're the best there is. That's why I called for you.
00:03:00And you want me to risk my cover on such a dangerous mission as that?
00:03:05What else do you suggest?
00:03:07Give me a decoy, a loyal, trusting agent, someone expendable, a total idiot. Send him
00:03:14to find the professor. I will follow at a discreet distance. And the moment Pavlovich
00:03:20is found, I will kill them both and return the microchip to you.
00:03:25Brilliant!
00:03:26Now, who would be the perfect decoy?
00:03:32Who indeed? Rodgers and Hammerstein? Sonny and Cher? Bilbo Baggins? No, as anybody who
00:03:37looked at their tickets before they came into the theater ought to know, it's...
00:03:43Of course, it was Boris and Natasha, who at this moment were somewhere in a remote part
00:03:51of the Middle East.
00:03:52Boris! Boris! Boris, darling! Where is Egg?
00:03:57Egg! Egg! Egg!
00:04:00Where is Egg?
00:04:01And on the run with an elaborate jewel-encrusted egg that they've recently stolen from a potentate's
00:04:05palace.
00:04:06Oh, Boris, darling, you're a genius.
00:04:11Come on!
00:04:17Eat chicken!
00:04:20Hurry up! Hurry up!
00:04:23Come on! Follow them!
00:04:32Get the car!
00:04:353-3! 3-3!
00:04:373-3! 3-3!
00:04:51What a pathetic shot!
00:04:52Watch out for the cattle!
00:05:07Watch where you're going!
00:05:20Open it! Go! Go!
00:05:31Open the alley!
00:05:37No!
00:05:44Boris! Boris, quick!
00:05:56What do we do now?
00:05:57We've got to find our contact.
00:05:59The One-Eyed Man. Where is One-Eyed Man?
00:06:02He's here. The alley of the damned.
00:06:06You first. Come on. Let's go.
00:06:36We've got a lot of One-Eyed guys here.
00:06:42The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:06:45I love you, huh?
00:06:51The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:06:57The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:01The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:05The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Tut.
00:07:35Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
00:07:55Stop them, men! Stop them!
00:08:01Too bad, Gorda, you beast!
00:08:05Wait a minute, are there only two of them?
00:08:08Yes, Colonel Gordo.
00:08:11For a moment I thought I saw three.
00:08:14Hey, Gordo, we have your egg!
00:08:36So, back in Potsilvania, and with their mission completed,
00:08:40Boris and Natasha suddenly received an urgent summons from their beloved fearless leader.
00:08:45Yes, even they could tell something very important was about to happen.
00:08:54Fearless leader, we are honored.
00:08:56We are so honored.
00:08:57Good!
00:08:58Your mission is to infiltrate the United States of America.
00:09:04The United States?
00:09:06Once inside, you are to locate this man.
00:09:09His name is Professor Anton Pavlovich.
00:09:12Other than that, I can tell you nothing.
00:09:19Now, a direct infiltration will never work.
00:09:22Therefore, your orders are these.
00:09:25You yourselves must pose as defectors.
00:09:28Defectors?
00:09:30From the moment you leave this room, your every action must be consistent with that of a traitor.
00:09:36You must effect your own escape across the border.
00:09:39Once you arrive in America, you must convince the authorities that you are sincere.
00:09:45If you fail, they will kill you.
00:09:48Keep a low profile.
00:09:50Speak to no one.
00:09:53And if you get the feeling you're being followed, ignore it.
00:09:57Ignore it?
00:09:59Oh, yes.
00:10:01Fair enough.
00:10:03Fetal.
00:10:05This mission is by far the greatest honor of your careers.
00:10:09Congratulations.
00:10:11You are now officially traitors to the state.
00:10:16Thank you very much.
00:10:18Thank you very much.
00:10:19Thank you very much.
00:10:30Well, next morning, in a typically misguided attempt to follow their instructions to the letter,
00:10:34our heroes engineered a daring escape.
00:10:38And after bribing an unscrupulous sea captain for the use of his vessel...
00:10:43Come on! Come on!
00:10:45They set sail for America.
00:10:50Unfortunately, America was a lot farther away than it looked on their Rand McNally,
00:10:54and seven hours later...
00:10:55Father! Father!
00:10:58We were in danger of having a very short movie,
00:11:00but luckily, Fearless Leader was right behind in a Potsilvanian PT boat
00:11:03to haul our heroes to safety.
00:11:06Next, he personally drove our diligent defectors
00:11:08out to the heavily fortified Potsilvanian border...
00:11:13and waited while our heroes surveyed the landscape
00:11:15and settled on the perfect plan for escape.
00:11:18And it almost worked, too.
00:11:23And so, with a song in their heart, a lump in their throat,
00:11:25and absolutely no idea where the hell they were going,
00:11:27Boris and Natasha implemented Plan C,
00:11:30marching straight up and over the famed Potsilvanian Alps.
00:11:33What?
00:11:40Unfortunately, they'd forgotten it was the middle of winter,
00:11:43and as the temperature began to plummet...
00:11:46Boris, don't sleep.
00:11:49If you sleep, you will die.
00:11:56Fearless Leader had to rescue them once again.
00:12:03Finally, in a last-ditch attempt to get the plot moving,
00:12:06Fearless Leader gave them two one-way tickets
00:12:08to the land of the free and the home of the brave,
00:12:10Trinidad,
00:12:12where, cleverly enough, they caught the first plane to America.
00:12:15And from the very moment they landed, it looked like smooth sailing.
00:12:18At last, they'd infiltrated the United States undetected.
00:12:23Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
00:12:26We're lying Americans! We defect! We defect!
00:12:29We're defective!
00:12:31Oh, thank you so much.
00:12:37Very nice car.
00:12:39Yes, it was a nice car.
00:12:45And it took them to a very nice building,
00:12:47which turned out to be none other than the national headquarters of the CIA.
00:12:51Hi. Welcome to the ranch.
00:12:55I'm Sheldon Kaufman.
00:12:57And, uh, I'm Boris Pantanoff.
00:12:59And this is my assistant, Natasha Fatale.
00:13:02How do you do?
00:13:03Hi.
00:13:05Sorry about all the cloak-and-dagger stuff, but, uh...
00:13:09Well, it's not every day we get a couple of high-powered
00:13:12Partylvanian operatives defecting to the United States.
00:13:16Now then, we have a thing we call in our country
00:13:19the defectors program.
00:13:21If a defector, such as yourselves, is really, really sincere,
00:13:25and you certainly look sincere to me,
00:13:30we not only let you into the country,
00:13:32but we provide you with a place to live, a little spending money,
00:13:35everything you could possibly need to live your lives as new Americans.
00:13:39How wonderful.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:42Of course, there's a little routine we go through first,
00:13:45just a technicality.
00:13:47A medical exam, a few questions.
00:13:50We will tell you everything.
00:13:52This mental exam.
00:13:54How difficult?
00:13:56No, a medical exam.
00:13:58Oh, how delightful.
00:14:02Fine. Shall we get started?
00:14:04Now, I'm gonna show you some pictures.
00:14:06Just tell me what you see.
00:14:12Bomb explosion.
00:14:17Machine gun attack at small embassy.
00:14:25Oh, mushka, mishka, little puppy with floppy ear.
00:14:30Carrying letter bomb.
00:14:32Into small embassy.
00:14:36And for the next five hours,
00:14:38Boris and Natasha were poked and prodded by a host of doctors
00:14:41in a myriad of medical examinations.
00:14:44Followed by an even more grisly series of irritating jump cuts.
00:14:51And finally culminating in the toughest examination of them all.
00:14:55But they had their story, and they were stuck with it.
00:15:01Are you defecting to the United States of your own free will?
00:15:04Yes.
00:15:05Yes.
00:15:08Are you currently employed by the Potsilvanian Secret Service?
00:15:12Absolutely not.
00:15:13No.
00:15:18Are you now or have you ever been a member of any organization
00:15:21advocating overthrow of the United States government?
00:15:24Yes.
00:15:25No!
00:15:26No.
00:15:27No.
00:15:28Yes.
00:15:29No, but yes.
00:15:32Yes and no.
00:15:42Well, they're either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.
00:15:46I certainly have never seen anything like them.
00:15:48Neither have I.
00:15:50Hell, I hope you're not thinking of letting in on the program.
00:15:53They're compulsive liars.
00:15:55They're violent, stupid, not to mention their bomb fixation.
00:15:58I don't know. Maybe, uh...
00:16:00Maybe we could learn something.
00:16:02We haven't had a defection in six months.
00:16:04I mean, we could always just play along.
00:16:07Look, if we deport them, we're never gonna find out what they're after.
00:16:10Personally, I'd deport them.
00:16:14Deport them.
00:16:40Hi.
00:16:55Hi.
00:17:01Willie, you know what we got here?
00:17:06A couple of brand-new Americans.
00:17:10What?
00:17:33So, listen, after you guys get settled, why don't you give me a call?
00:17:35You know, we can get together.
00:17:37I can show you around. We can see some sights. Go to some clubs.
00:17:40Hey, you like to dance?
00:17:42Dance is for weddings.
00:17:43Well, how about music? I mean, I know some great jazz clubs.
00:17:46No.
00:17:47I got it.
00:17:48Why don't we get in touch with some of your friends or some relatives?
00:17:51Because, you know, you just give me the names, we can find anybody.
00:17:54Boris is orphan and I am shy.
00:17:59And so charming as ever, our heroes at last arrived at their new American home.
00:18:04So, what do you think?
00:18:08We share with other family, yes?
00:18:10Mm-mm. It's yours. All yours.
00:18:13Look, you got your solid-state color TV, 162 channels, cable ready.
00:18:18Your 16-zone security system with infrared motion detector.
00:18:21Two-line solid-state beeperless remote answer machine.
00:18:24Kitchen's got all the regular stuff.
00:18:26Here's your blender, automatic coffee maker, water purification system,
00:18:29trash compactor, microwave.
00:18:31You guys know how to use all this stuff.
00:18:33Ah, that's just about it.
00:18:34Let's see. I got some credit cards, maps, and some spending cash.
00:18:37And here's the keys. There you go.
00:18:43You guys are probably tired.
00:18:45Yes, yes. We're very tired.
00:18:46We're very tired.
00:18:48We are thanking you so much, and we are so delightful to be here.
00:18:51So, good night.
00:18:52Okay, listen, if you need anything or you got any questions, you call me.
00:18:55Okay?
00:18:56Okay.
00:18:57Okay. Bye.
00:18:58Okay. Bye.
00:19:00Boris, we found them. We did it.
00:19:03We did it.
00:19:05Boris, you are so bad.
00:19:10You are so bad. You are good.
00:19:12It's good to be bad.
00:19:19Boris! Boris!
00:19:25No!
00:19:26No!
00:19:32Boris! Boris! Boris!
00:19:45Boris.
00:19:46What?
00:19:47I am liking this person, Willie.
00:19:49He is very smart-minded.
00:19:51He's stupid as a bag of hammers.
00:19:53I think I will make friend with him.
00:19:55We'll make good cover.
00:20:04Boris.
00:20:09I'm not worried about our cover.
00:20:10I'm worried about finding that damn professor.
00:20:13And getting a good night's sleep.
00:20:15Of course, darling.
00:20:17You have had a very hard, long day.
00:20:20But tomorrow, we will complete our mission,
00:20:23and we will get out of horrible country.
00:20:25You will be great hero.
00:20:27Good night, poppy.
00:20:29Good night, darling.
00:20:48American live in such tall building.
00:20:50It's so funny.
00:20:54But it's nice to be alone.
00:20:56No one snooping over shoulder.
00:20:58No one listening to you.
00:21:00Shut up out there!
00:21:02I'm trying to get some sleep.
00:21:05It's nice to be alone.
00:21:23And as the prying eyes of the CIA
00:21:25kept close watch on our heroes,
00:21:27an even closer watch was being kept
00:21:29by the sinister Agent X.
00:21:34But what he didn't know
00:21:35was that he himself was being watched
00:21:37by an even more mysterious figure.
00:21:39A man with very bad taste in footwear,
00:21:42lurking in the shadows.
00:21:44Who was this mystery man?
00:21:46Another spy?
00:21:47Another wrinkle in the plot?
00:21:49Or maybe he was just a man
00:21:51Another spy?
00:21:52Another wrinkle in the plot?
00:21:53Did he work for Florsheim?
00:21:55Did we give him these weird shoes
00:21:56just so you'd recognize him later?
00:21:58But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
00:22:00Next morning, Boris and Natasha
00:22:02began the day bright and early.
00:22:04Well, early anyway.
00:22:06Okay, the first thing we gotta do
00:22:08is find Kalishak.
00:22:09Kalishak the assassin?
00:22:11He doesn't do that anymore.
00:22:12He's here in the States now.
00:22:13He sells information to the highest bidder.
00:22:15If anybody knows where the professor is, he does.
00:22:18Oh, darling, you are so smart.
00:22:20Ah!
00:22:21Those pigs, those pigs!
00:22:23Those pigs, those pigs!
00:22:25What'd they do, Boris?
00:22:26They took my dynamite.
00:22:28Those pigs, those pigs!
00:22:30Ah, he's all right.
00:22:31I've still got my spares.
00:22:33I know you cannot trust capitalists.
00:22:36You cannot trust anybody.
00:22:41Look at this closet.
00:22:42It's typical American waste of space.
00:22:45Would make a nice home for a small family.
00:22:48PHONE RINGS
00:22:51I've got static in the fish tank.
00:22:53PHONE RINGS
00:22:54Yeah?
00:22:55Give me Willie.
00:22:56Yes, sir.
00:22:57Willie?
00:23:01Hi, boss.
00:23:02So, everybody happy?
00:23:04Yeah, so far.
00:23:06What do you think?
00:23:07I think we give them some rope.
00:23:09Then when we see what they're up to,
00:23:12we hang them.
00:23:18KNOCKING
00:23:21Surprise!
00:23:23Who the hell are you?
00:23:25You're next door neighbors.
00:23:30Surprise!
00:23:35Well, you don't think we're too pushy, do you?
00:23:37Well, of course you think we're pushy.
00:23:39Harv thinks we're pushy.
00:23:40I think she's perfect.
00:23:41Oh, Harv.
00:23:42I mean, we did just barge right in.
00:23:44I mean, we did just barge right in.
00:23:46But, you know, we figured as a couple of new Americans
00:23:48from behind the iron drapes,
00:23:50you deserved a real welcome.
00:23:52Don't you just love sushi?
00:23:54I feel like it's moving in my mouth.
00:23:56Fish eggs, anyone?
00:24:00So, tell us all about Pennsylvania.
00:24:05It's very cold.
00:24:14Oh, I get it.
00:24:16Pennsylvania's a quiet.
00:24:18I bet you think Americans talk too much, don't you?
00:24:20We do talk too much. I talk too much.
00:24:22I think you're perfect.
00:24:24Harv, but I mean, how are you going to know anything unless you ask?
00:24:26That's the great thing about America.
00:24:28You can ask anything you want.
00:24:44So, you work out?
00:24:46I like you, Tash.
00:24:48You're a lot of fun.
00:24:50I am?
00:24:52Yeah, and you're going to love this country.
00:24:54You got everything going for you.
00:24:56New home, nice husband,
00:24:58great cheekbones.
00:25:00Boris is not husband.
00:25:02Oh, there's nothing wrong with living with your boyfriend
00:25:04till you tie the knot.
00:25:06What knot?
00:25:08Hit me in the stomach.
00:25:10Go ahead.
00:25:12Hit me in the stomach.
00:25:14Go ahead. You can't hurt me.
00:25:16Oh, trust me, Tash.
00:25:18You got to be able to see it.
00:25:20You think so?
00:25:22It's obvious, Tash.
00:25:24Boris adores you.
00:25:26The man's in love.
00:25:32I haven't done dishes in a long time.
00:25:34I cook, so Harv cleans up.
00:25:36Harv does work in kitchen?
00:25:38We split everything 50-50.
00:25:40Hit the disposal, will you?
00:25:44Night, you two. Bye-bye.
00:25:46Bye-bye.
00:25:48Thank you for balloons, ceramic and food.
00:25:50Good night.
00:25:52Night. Bye-bye.
00:25:54Good night.
00:25:58I thought they'd never leave.
00:26:00Well, so did we,
00:26:02but at last they were on their way
00:26:04to see their old friend Kalashank,
00:26:06a man who felt that anybody's business
00:26:08was everybody's business
00:26:10as long as they gave him the business.
00:26:12Yes, if anybody knew how to find the professor,
00:26:14it would probably be him.
00:26:24The four corners of Egypt
00:26:26are ruled by King Tut.
00:26:32Baranov?
00:26:34Baranov?
00:26:38Boris Baranov?
00:26:54Boris Baranov!
00:26:56The four corners of Egypt
00:26:58are ruled by King Tut.
00:27:00You're killing me! Please stop!
00:27:02Stop! I know the passwords already.
00:27:04Please, don't do it to me.
00:27:06I can't believe Boris Baranov is here.
00:27:10Holy smokeronis!
00:27:12And his devoted flunky Natasha Fetel.
00:27:16Well, what brings you two to America?
00:27:20Did fearless leader have craving
00:27:22for burgers and fries?
00:27:26He needs some advice.
00:27:28What? You want advice?
00:27:30You want advice?
00:27:32Okay. Okay.
00:27:34Okay, I give you advice.
00:27:36I give you advice.
00:27:38Don't give up your day job.
00:27:44We have money.
00:27:46I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:27:48It's just money is all.
00:27:50Well, you know, I would have thought
00:27:52you both had blown yourselves up by now.
00:27:54So what is it you both want, huh?
00:27:56We are looking for a man
00:27:58by the name of Anton Polovitch.
00:28:04I've never heard of that name before.
00:28:06I don't know nothing.
00:28:08Go away. I...
00:28:10Well, perhaps this
00:28:12would refresh your memory, huh?
00:28:16Now, look, the both of you.
00:28:18You're in way over your heads,
00:28:20my little spies.
00:28:22Take some advice.
00:28:24Forget you ever heard that name.
00:28:26You'll have some trouble forgetting
00:28:28if you know what I mean.
00:28:34In the chair.
00:28:36Huh.
00:28:54Search your soul for the answer.
00:28:56What the hell?
00:28:58Get out of my way. I'm closed.
00:29:00Go on, go on, go on. I'm closed.
00:29:02What kind of advice is that?
00:29:04Get going now, or I'll kill you myself.
00:29:06Come, boys.
00:29:08Go on.
00:29:10But what about the receipt? It's tax deductible, you know.
00:29:12Go on, get out.
00:29:14You want some advice? I'll give you advice.
00:29:16Leave now. That is the advice.
00:29:18Go, the both of you.
00:29:20Go on, get out of here.
00:29:22Get out.
00:29:26That's crazy.
00:29:34Bang!
00:29:40What kind of a potato?
00:29:42What kind of potato was it?
00:29:44Idaho. Idaho.
00:29:46Listen, Mike,
00:29:48tell Willie I want him to double his surveillance.
00:29:50No, quadruple it. You got it?
00:29:56Goddamn Kalashack.
00:29:58He knew something. He just wasn't talking.
00:30:00He called me a flunky.
00:30:02Forget about it. He is an idiot.
00:30:04Here, hang up my coat.
00:30:06Oh.
00:30:08I know what I should do.
00:30:10I should force-feed him wood chips for an entire year.
00:30:12And then
00:30:14I would bury him in the ground
00:30:16up to his neck in a termite mound
00:30:18and watch them devour him as he screams for mercy.
00:30:20He's very good.
00:30:22Yeah. Search your soul for the answer.
00:30:24What the hell is his problem anyway?
00:30:28Next morning, Boris and Natasha
00:30:30began their day with a typical American breakfast.
00:30:44Boris!
00:30:48Whoa!
00:30:52So they searched Boris' soul and got their clue,
00:30:54and wearing one of their many brilliant disguises,
00:30:56they soon found themselves
00:30:58outside the most fashionable hair salon
00:31:00in the city.
00:31:06Sushi, I can't perm my hair again
00:31:08because I think all the chemicals
00:31:10have leaked into my brain.
00:31:12I'm so spaced, I can hardly answer the phone.
00:31:14Hold on a minute, will you?
00:31:16Permit me to introduce myself. I'm Steve Shagg,
00:31:18and this is Ansel Fiverr.
00:31:20We're here to clean the rugs.
00:31:22Excuse me,
00:31:24but all our floors are tile.
00:31:26I think you guys have the wrong address.
00:31:28No, we don't. Boris, show.
00:31:34Minnelli?
00:31:36Oh, you're not here to clean the rugs.
00:31:38You're here to change the photos.
00:31:40You're working for Sal Minnelli, the photographer, right?
00:31:42Yes. He's the one. We came to meet him.
00:31:44Meet Minnelli?
00:31:46Look, we just buy his photographs.
00:31:48He doesn't actually work here.
00:31:50Natasha?
00:31:52Boris!
00:31:54Oh, at me rugs!
00:31:56What are you guys doing here?
00:31:58Uh, we are... We came to...
00:32:00To, uh, to drop by to, uh...
00:32:02To say hello.
00:32:04Oh! Don't you know I worked here?
00:32:06We didn't.
00:32:08Boris, big joke.
00:32:10Dudes!
00:32:12Dudes!
00:32:14Yes, there he was, José Iber himself,
00:32:16world-famous connoisseur of beauty,
00:32:18a man who with one wave of his blow-dryer
00:32:20could make you a star.
00:32:22And with one look at that Pottsylvanian profile,
00:32:24he was completely enchanted.
00:32:26Oh, my God!
00:32:30Well, before she knew what hit her,
00:32:32José promised her he could make her an overnight sensation.
00:32:34He would introduce her to every major fashion photographer
00:32:36in the country, starting with an enormous party
00:32:38in her honor at the elegant private club
00:32:40Chez Manu that Friday night.
00:32:42Well, Boris saw this as the perfect opportunity.
00:32:44They could use the party to find Minnelli,
00:32:46who would lead them straight to the professor.
00:32:48So while waiting for Friday,
00:32:50they did what any other American would have done.
00:32:52They went shopping.
00:33:10And, of course,
00:33:12no American mall would be complete
00:33:14without Aunt Fanny's fine cutlery
00:33:16and automatic weapons shop.
00:33:20No.
00:33:26No.
00:33:40No.
00:33:42And so as they left the mall,
00:33:44Natasha was already beginning to feel
00:33:46the allure of the American way of life.
00:33:48And so the very next day,
00:33:50she did something she had never done before.
00:33:56I should not be go here with you.
00:33:58What are you talking about?
00:34:00You got to get something to wear to the party.
00:34:02Boris say what I have is good.
00:34:04Forget about what Boris says. Come on.
00:34:10So don't you feel better?
00:34:12This is the way Harv and I do it.
00:34:14I never have to tell Harv what I buy.
00:34:16I do what I want.
00:34:18You know, Tash, if a relationship is gonna work,
00:34:20it's gonna be equal.
00:34:2250-50. You did good.
00:34:30Hey!
00:34:32Get me my tie.
00:34:34Stop looking in the mirror all the time.
00:34:42You look great.
00:34:44You really like it?
00:34:46Sure. Americans love hokey get-ups.
00:34:48Okay, let's review the plan.
00:34:50I am international film financier
00:34:52Orim Ham-ha-ha-hala.
00:34:54We go to the party.
00:34:56We find the guy with the camera.
00:34:58I give him the password.
00:35:00If he answers, we know it's Minelli.
00:35:02He leads us right to the professor.
00:35:04And?
00:35:06If anything goes wrong...
00:35:08We kill ourselves.
00:35:14Well, Boris's plan was brilliant as usual.
00:35:16Natasha would provide a distraction
00:35:18while he looked for Minelli,
00:35:20who would obviously be a man with a camera.
00:35:28The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Patrick.
00:35:32The Four Corners of Egypt belong to King Patrick.
00:35:34Okay, I think it's enough.
00:35:38The Four Corners of Egypt...
00:35:44The Four Corners of Egypt...
00:35:48Of course, Boris's plan
00:35:50was an utter disaster.
00:35:52But as a diversion, Natasha was an instant success.
00:35:54She had such flair, such charm,
00:35:56such an incredible haircut
00:35:58that soon she went right to the top of the fashion world.
00:36:00And a veritable Natasha mania swept the country.
00:36:02People couldn't get enough of the sultry spy.
00:36:04Proving once and for all
00:36:06that Andy Warhol was right,
00:36:08not to mention P.T. Barnum.
00:36:10Yes, everywhere, people were imitating
00:36:12style, especially that snappy hairdo. Of course, Natasha herself had gotten the
00:36:17idea from one of Potsilvania's national heroes, but in any event, soon there
00:36:22wasn't a corner of the world left untouched by this unbelievable
00:36:25phenomenon. Well, all this frou-frou of getting famous was taking its toll on a
00:36:30lot of people. The spying had come to a halt, Agent X had no one to watch, the
00:36:35man in the stupid shoes had no one to follow, the CIA had no one to listen to,
00:36:39there was still no sign of Minnelli, and of course, all this was bound to come to
00:36:43the attention of, what the hell is going on over there? Even the writers were completely
00:36:50stumped with no idea of how to get the story back to the missing professor and
00:36:53his amazing time-reversing microchip. As for Boris, he was getting more and more
00:36:57frustrated, annoyed, irritable, peeved, and downright... All right, all right, knock it
00:37:00off! You're acting ridiculous. Oh, Boris, don't be dreep. Well, what about Professor
00:37:06Polovich? And where are you going? We are spies! It's time we started to act like
00:37:13spies. I don't know what's got into you, Natasha. Fearless leader told us to assume
00:37:16a low profile, and you, you go waltzing around like some kind of movie star.
00:37:25Isn't Natasha here? Just a minute. All right, do you or do you not want to be
00:37:37spied? Boris, darling, of course I do. Spying is most important thing in world to me.
00:37:44You think he's best side? All right, that's it. I forbid you to go out tonight. Forbid? Oh, Boris,
00:37:52so typical. This America. You are not my boss. You are not my husband. You are not
00:38:00even... Never mind. What? What am I not even? What? What? Oh, you are so stupid
00:38:06sometimes, Boris. If relationship is to be lasting, must be equal. So, for first time
00:38:12in my life, I am doing what I want to do. And do you know what? I am liking it.
00:38:18Toots is behind this, isn't she? Toots, Toots, Toots. Toots happens to be wonderful
00:38:22person. And don't think you're so smart because she know about you. She know
00:38:27exactly how you feel about... And how far you think you get if it was not for me
00:38:31after all these years. I do everything. I do work and, and you never, you never.
00:38:37Never what? You never say thank you. What the hell? So, I am hoping that from this
00:38:46day forward, that you will be liking to carry your own luggage. So, goodbye.
00:39:01Luggage? This whole thing was about luggage?
00:39:10Well, Boris had hit rock bottom. Even the simplest of pleasures could not cheer him
00:39:16up.
00:39:33And as he wandered through the silent streets, he wondered, could Natasha have
00:39:38been right? Could she have in some small insignificant way been partly responsible
00:39:43for their illustrious career? Could he actually have been just the tiniest bit
00:39:47insensitive for say, the last 32 years?
00:39:59He's very nice. Very nice.
00:40:44Trust me, it's obvious. Boris adores you. The man's in love.
00:40:59Natasha, wait! I want to meet Sally Kellerman.
00:41:13I want to meet her.
00:41:43I want to meet her.
00:42:14Hello, darlings. We are not in right now, but Natasha and Boris will be back very, very soon.
00:42:21So, please leave a message.
00:42:25My name is Manelli. I know who you are. I've seen your photographs. I'm a friend of Dr. Pollard.
00:42:31I helped him to escape from that. Please, meet me tomorrow noon at Memorial Square for a photo session.
00:42:37Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
00:42:50We just found Anton Polovitch.
00:42:55Yeah, Mr. Goldstein. Yeah, I think we finally got something here.
00:42:58Yes, good. What is it?
00:43:00Does an Anton Polovitch strike a bail with you?
00:43:03No, I can't say I ever heard of him.
00:43:07Noon, huh? Okay, thanks. And listen, Dan, keep up the good work.
00:43:22I will look terrible in photos. I do not get very much sleep.
00:43:26Don't worry about it. Look, about last night...
00:43:32Let's talk about it later, okay?
00:43:34Yes, Boris.
00:43:36You go to this place and you meet Manelli. You get the information from him.
00:43:40I'll be there, too, but I'm going to be disguised, okay?
00:43:43I am loving when you wear disguise.
00:43:45Now, you make sure you get the information from him.
00:43:47If he gives you any trouble, I'll crack his head like a Pozzolvanian chestnut.
00:43:52Yes, Boris, darling.
00:44:01Oopsie. I'll take this. You might drop it.
00:44:07Well, isn't that sweet?
00:44:10But meanwhile, back at our story, the elusive Manelli had finally surfaced.
00:44:14And as luck would have it, he, too, was another master spy.
00:44:17Yes, it seemed that Natasha's sudden notoriety had actually served a purpose after all.
00:44:22So faster than you can say, stop the world I want to get off, Natasha got down to business.
00:44:28That's enough. Good. Lovely. I like it for the road.
00:44:33Meanwhile, wearing an effective yet subtle disguise,
00:44:36the chameleon-like Boris Baranov blended discreetly into the crowd.
00:44:44Unfortunately, he got in line with the village people.
00:44:47Come on, Long John, you can move up now.
00:44:49Hey.
00:44:50Oh, all right, all right, all right.
00:44:53There you go. One pretzel. One dollar.
00:44:57Hold the rope. That's it. Good. Lovely. I like it in the teeth.
00:45:01Hey, wait a second. What is this? I said one dollar.
00:45:04This is fake.
00:45:07No, no, you owe me a dollar.
00:45:08I don't have a dollar.
00:45:10What do you mean you don't have a dollar?
00:45:15Just a little this way. Perfect, perfect.
00:45:19You're very good at this. You follow instructions perfectly.
00:45:24You flatter me.
00:45:26On the contrary, my angel, that could get you killed.
00:45:34It hurts your eyes. It hurts your eyes.
00:45:36All right, all right. Come on, buddy. On your foot.
00:45:39You realize, of course, we're being watched.
00:45:48Your lives are in danger.
00:45:50I am a friend of Dr. Polovich.
00:45:52I am the one who helped him to escape.
00:45:54Now you must help him, too.
00:45:56What, to help?
00:45:57Mr. Polovich, may I have your autograph?
00:46:00I just feel that we have something in common.
00:46:02You know, I had an advocate in Republicania, and I can't get...
00:46:05Excuse me. Can you do this later? Thank you.
00:46:19Come on.
00:46:27Good, good. Excellent.
00:46:42Why do you think Peerless Leader told you nothing?
00:46:45You're merely decoys.
00:46:47You're just pawns in the game.
00:46:59Please, you must tell more.
00:47:01Of course. The fountain.
00:47:03How stupid of me. Come.
00:47:09We'll be safe here. The sound will drown our conversation.
00:47:17But he doesn't know where to find Professor and take him back.
00:47:20He lies to you.
00:47:23The moment you find Polovich, you will all be killed.
00:47:26An assassin has been trailing you since the moment you arrived.
00:47:30Oh.
00:47:34But who could be?
00:47:36Potsilvania's most feared killer.
00:47:38He wears the ring. The ring of the assassin.
00:47:41You won't find him.
00:47:43He wears the ring. The ring of the assassin.
00:47:46You poor fools.
00:47:48He's been with you all the time.
00:47:50His name is...
00:47:56Police! Stop that man!
00:48:03Right there! Right there! Police!
00:48:05Police! Stop that man!
00:48:13Ah! Ah! Ah!
00:48:16Ah! Ah!
00:48:19Ah!
00:48:23No!
00:48:37Willy?
00:48:38I didn't know.
00:48:44Are you all right?
00:48:46Somebody get a doctor!
00:48:50Come on. Let's go.
00:48:51No. He's trying to tell me something.
00:48:53Why they want Professor dead?
00:48:55Because they want...
00:48:57They want...
00:49:10Stay there!
00:49:13Stay there!
00:49:26They want Klondike?
00:49:27Come on. Let's go.
00:49:28We can't just leave him here.
00:49:30Forget him. He's dead. Come on. Let's go.
00:49:32Willy!
00:49:34What happened?
00:49:37Oh, my God.
00:49:39We'll find Polovich.
00:49:41The moment you find Polovich, you will all be killed.
00:49:44An assassin has been trailing you since the moment you arrived.
00:49:51He is a liar.
00:49:53Fearless leader would never do this to us.
00:49:55It's ridiculous.
00:49:56Go on.
00:49:58The ring of the assassin.
00:50:00You poor fools.
00:50:02He's been with you all the time.
00:50:04His name is...
00:50:07Boris, what is?
00:50:12This...
00:50:13This ring was on Willy's finger.
00:50:15It came off in the scuffle.
00:50:17Oh, not Willy.
00:50:19Oh, Willy was such a nice boy.
00:50:21Nice boy. We want to blow our heads off.
00:50:23I never liked him. Come on. We're getting out of here.
00:50:25Boris, where will we go?
00:50:28I don't know. Someplace far away.
00:50:30From now on, we trust only you.
00:50:33Someplace far away.
00:50:35From now on, we trust only ourselves.
00:50:37We've got to find the professor.
00:50:39Boris, he's too dangerous.
00:50:46Poopsie, we're dead anyway.
00:50:48To find the professor is the only way to get to the bottom of this.
00:50:51We've got to find him.
00:50:52Oh, Boris, I am so frightened.
00:50:55If we ever get out of this...
00:50:57I have always...
00:50:59I have always wanted to see Tahiti.
00:51:02They have such...
00:51:03Such beautiful flowers.
00:51:05Look, Poopsie, don't be melodramatic, okay?
00:51:07As long as I'm here, nothing's going to happen.
00:51:33Shit!
00:51:35Shit!
00:51:38Shit!
00:51:59Black team from everywhere.
00:52:01It wasn't ours, I'm sure of it.
00:52:03Well, who was it?
00:52:04I want some goddamn answers.
00:52:06And where the hell is Willie?
00:52:09Well, even Boris and Natasha could take a hint.
00:52:12With their cover shot full of holes and no one to trust,
00:52:14where could they go?
00:52:15Back to Potsilvania?
00:52:17Back to Pennsylvania?
00:52:19How about Pensacola? I hear that's nice this time of year.
00:52:22Do you have any ideas?
00:52:23If so, send them to this address, postmarked no later than June 12, 1964.
00:52:27In the meantime, our hurried heroes headed for an obscure little hotel
00:52:30where they could regroup and come up with a new plan.
00:52:33And so as not to draw attention to themselves,
00:52:35they came up with what were probably the most ingenious disguises
00:52:38of their already remarkable careers.
00:52:56Bellman?
00:52:57Would you please take Mr. and Mrs. Obese to their room?
00:53:00Obese! O-postrophe-B-E-E-T-H.
00:53:03We're Irish, me wife Katie and I.
00:53:05Kathleen.
00:53:06Her real name's Katie, but she's calling herself Kathleen
00:53:08for some bloody reason I'll never know what.
00:53:10Excuse me, could you give us a hand with these potatoes, please?
00:53:12I carry me own potatoes, you big lout.
00:53:16This way.
00:53:28Shh!
00:53:29Shh!
00:53:32Hey! Hey, the elevator's over here.
00:53:34I know. I work here.
00:53:36It's out of order. This way.
00:53:41Are you mad, man?
00:53:43We can't climb those stairs.
00:53:45Look, can't you see we're...
00:53:47Irish?
00:53:49Look, you're gonna have to sleep in the lobby, then,
00:53:51and these stairs are the only way to your rooms.
00:53:53Have faith and be gory once. Come.
00:54:00Come on, pick up the pace.
00:54:02Stop showing off high pockets.
00:54:04Right, so, in 1935,
00:54:06the ballroom terrace was added to the 33rd floor.
00:54:13In 1966, the whole rat pack, except for Sinatra,
00:54:17stayed here on the 33rd floor.
00:54:19Imagine that, 40 old rooms,
00:54:21and you're the only one in the room.
00:54:23You're the only one in the room.
00:54:25You're the only one in the room.
00:54:27Imagine that, 40 old rooms.
00:54:29A rat who can climb 30 floors deserves a room.
00:54:33Now, in 1976,
00:54:35both presidential candidates stayed here
00:54:37because we've got two presidential suites,
00:54:4012 honeymoon suites.
00:54:47Come on!
00:54:49We're coming!
00:54:51I hope that's not the little woman.
00:54:54Oh!
00:54:56It was nothing, nothing.
00:54:58Ah, faith and be gory, it was a mouse.
00:55:01A mouse? A mouse, huh?
00:55:03Not really that much of a problem we can take care of that.
00:55:06You know, you gotta expect...
00:55:08I think it was mouse. It could have been cockroach.
00:55:11Cockroach?
00:55:13Come to think of it, you know what?
00:55:15I am so silly. It was nothing but a tiny little flea.
00:55:18Fleas!
00:55:20I'll get the manager.
00:55:24All right, what the hell is the matter with you?
00:55:35It's Willie! How did he get in there?
00:55:37I put him there. You killed him?
00:55:39Of course not. He was already dead.
00:55:41But I dragged him from floor to closet.
00:55:43Look at this, 11.30.
00:55:45What is this? It's a train schedule.
00:55:47You think he was going somewhere?
00:55:49Or he was meeting someone.
00:55:51Come on, let's go.
00:55:53Get out of here. Come on.
00:55:55But Boris, you're disguised. What if someone see you?
00:55:57We done them, we lost weight running up and down those damn stairs.
00:56:00Come on, hurry up!
00:56:02Whoever did this to Willie knows we're here anyway.
00:56:04We've got to get rid of this stiff
00:56:06before the bellhop comes back with the manager.
00:56:21Willie, look, the elevator is working.
00:56:23Oh, no, sir, excuse me.
00:56:25That elevator's in service. It's just for the hotel staff.
00:56:28We aren't the staff. I'm the house detective.
00:56:31What's the matter with him?
00:56:33He's drunk again.
00:56:35I don't know why I married him.
00:56:37Gee, don't I know you from somewhere?
00:56:42Okay, what floor?
00:56:44Any floor. We've got to dump this stiff and get to the train station.
00:56:47To see who is getting off 11.30 train, right?
00:56:49Right. You're a genius, Boris.
00:56:51It's 11.15 now.
00:56:55Oh, my God, look who it is!
00:56:57Oh, Toots, Harv.
00:56:59What do you do here?
00:57:01We're here for the party, of course. I didn't know you were invited.
00:57:03We want to come together. Who's your friend?
00:57:05Willie. Oh, no.
00:57:07Oh, no, Pulus. Mr. Willie Ornopoulos.
00:57:10He's a Greek guy, we know.
00:57:12He looks like he's had too much ouzo, if you ask me.
00:57:15We were just leaving, but if you're just getting here, we'll stay for a while.
00:57:18Oh, no, he used to drunk to party and he'd run the whole evening.
00:57:22Thank you very much, but we'd better just drive him home.
00:57:25Come on, how about if we drive Mr. What's-his-name?
00:57:29Willie Ornopoulos.
00:57:31Come on, Harv, we'll take him home so Boris and Natasha can stay and enjoy the party.
00:57:34No, no, he's all right.
00:57:39Oh, he's cold as ice.
00:57:42He's cold as ice. He was holding ice.
00:57:44It's his drinking hand.
00:57:46We have to go.
00:57:48Well, we'd better go, too, or this thing's going to go without us.
00:57:50All right.
00:57:56So how'd you two meet, Mr., um...
00:57:58Willie Ornopoulos. That's a strange name.
00:58:00Oh, he's Irish. Greek.
00:58:02Oh, right, we are Irish.
00:58:04Potsilvanian. Right, right.
00:58:06I am a gobbledering myself.
00:58:12Look up there, everybody.
00:58:14All those dead flies.
00:58:16Oh, what a shame.
00:58:18Oh, it makes me sick.
00:58:20Uh...
00:58:22Oh, he's going to be sick, too.
00:58:24We got to get him to a washroom. Come on.
00:58:26Oh, he's sick.
00:58:28Uh, uh, uh, hey, buddy, you want some help?
00:58:34Boris, I don't like this.
00:58:36First Willie, now Toots and Harv.
00:58:38I thought it was supposed to be an obscure hotel where no one'd find us.
00:58:41Shut up and keep walking.
00:58:43Uh-oh.
00:58:48Hello, Mr. and Mrs. O'Beeth.
00:58:50Hello. Hello.
00:59:03Come on, help me.
00:59:05We can't put Willie in there. He was our friend.
00:59:07We have no friends. Come on, help me.
00:59:11Come on.
00:59:17Come on, Boris, say some nice word for Willie.
00:59:20On hangers, no starch.
00:59:22You are bad.
00:59:24You are very bad, Boris.
00:59:26Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, you got the train scheduled?
00:59:28Oh, no, I left it in the room.
00:59:30What?
00:59:32Oh.
00:59:41Oh, I need a drink.
00:59:43It's a good idea.
00:59:45Excuse me.
00:59:48My name is Anton Polovitch.
00:59:51I understand you're looking for me.
01:00:00How did you know where to find us?
01:00:02Never mind that.
01:00:04Let's talk about the chip you're looking for.
01:00:07The chip?
01:00:09Oh, yes, of course, the chip.
01:00:13Uh, don't worry. I'll get rid of them.
01:00:16Surprise!
01:00:18What the hell?
01:00:20Look who we found.
01:00:22Mr. Willianopolis was sleeping it off in the laundry room.
01:00:24Figured you'd be looking for him.
01:00:26How come you checked in here?
01:00:28Don't you already have an apartment?
01:00:30Uh, you can't come in.
01:00:32I, uh, I'm sorry.
01:00:34You see, we've got, um...
01:00:36I'm sorry you can't come in, but, uh,
01:00:38we are having some problem with our relationship.
01:00:41And Mr. Willianopolis is our marriage counselor.
01:00:44Doesn't look like he'd be much help.
01:00:46Oh, no, not now.
01:00:48But when he comes through, he's like, uh...
01:00:50Oh, he can...
01:00:52Uh, it's a new technique.
01:00:54He deliberately incapacitated himself,
01:00:56thereby giving us a mutual responsibility.
01:00:58You see, by helping him, it helps us.
01:01:01If you're paying him more than $70 an hour,
01:01:03you're getting ripped off, pal.
01:01:06Garth, why don't we go and let those two lovebirds work it out?
01:01:09See you later, Tash.
01:01:11Oh, thank you. Bye-bye.
01:01:13Sorry, but he's gone!
01:01:16All right, get the train schedule.
01:01:18We're going to the station.
01:01:22He's gone.
01:01:23What?
01:01:24He probably took it with him. Damn!
01:01:26Now at least we know why he was here.
01:01:28Yes.
01:01:29Why?
01:01:30First he killed Willian.
01:01:32Then he come back for train schedule.
01:01:34Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, I don't know. Maybe.
01:01:37Don't answer that door!
01:01:39But maybe it's him.
01:01:43Complementary fruit basket.
01:01:46Oh, hi, Mr. and Miss O'Beef.
01:01:48I didn't think you were here.
01:01:50Uh, anyway, uh, complementary fruit basket.
01:01:53Of course, you might not want it on account of your diet.
01:01:57By the way, you both look great.
01:01:59I've never seen such a dramatic weight loss.
01:02:02But anyway, if you need anything, just give me a ring.
01:02:06Oh, uh, by the way, if you need any pillows,
01:02:09they're, uh, here in this closet.
01:02:11No!
01:02:16I see you've met Dr. Lisbon.
01:02:18Is he dead?
01:02:19No, of course not, you idiot.
01:02:21He's a professional hypnotist.
01:02:23He's helping us with our diet.
01:02:25Look, he's in a trance right now.
01:02:27He sees everything we do, hears everything we say.
01:02:30He can see me now?
01:02:31Yes, and he's very angry at you
01:02:33because you pulled him from the closet
01:02:35when he was focusing his great powers.
01:02:37I'm sorry, Dr. Lisbon.
01:02:39I just wanted to get some pillows.
01:02:41Dr. Lisbon could help you just in the way he's helping us.
01:02:44Really? How?
01:02:46Talk to him.
01:02:47You see the door closed like this?
01:02:49He can hear you.
01:02:51I don't want to lose any weight.
01:02:53Don't insult Dr. Lisbon.
01:02:55His power goes far beyond diet.
01:02:57Dr. Lisbon know all.
01:02:59We'll leave you alone with him.
01:03:01Come, quick.
01:03:06Dr. Lisbon, it's, uh...
01:03:08It's me, Tony.
01:03:10The bellhop?
01:03:12Uh...
01:03:13I'm not fat, but I've got a little brisitis
01:03:16on the right side of my shoulder.
01:03:18I get a lot of pain. Um...
01:03:23I don't hear him.
01:03:24Listen.
01:03:30There he is.
01:03:32We'll never catch him.
01:03:34I'll catch him.
01:03:35Police!
01:03:37Ooh!
01:03:39Ah!
01:03:40Ooh!
01:03:42Hey, how close was I to that guy?
01:03:45Pretty close. I'm surprised you didn't nail him.
01:03:48I don't think so.
01:03:50I don't think so.
01:03:52I don't think so.
01:03:54I don't think so.
01:03:56I don't think so.
01:03:58You didn't nail him.
01:04:00Oh, thank you.
01:04:02That was pretty stupid thing to do.
01:04:04You could have killed him, and then we never find out what's going on.
01:04:08At least I tried.
01:04:10Well, it's too late now.
01:04:12We will never get to train station by 11.30.
01:04:15Watch this.
01:04:16Taxi!
01:04:20Police.
01:04:21Are you all right?
01:04:23He's fine here. Just showing off.
01:04:25You are one lucky stick, pal.
01:04:27Yeah, I'm real lucky.
01:04:28Can you get us to the train station by 11.30?
01:04:31For $100?
01:04:32Get in.
01:04:33OK.
01:04:34Let's go.
01:04:35Ah, we'll never make it.
01:04:56All right, Mr. Bub.
01:04:57Give me at least $50 back.
01:04:58Sorry.
01:05:02Hey, folksy.
01:05:03Whistle.
01:05:07How do we know he's the same one?
01:05:10Ah!
01:05:11Oh, good.
01:05:11He's here.
01:05:14Boris, it's him.
01:05:17Hey.
01:05:19He's going around the back.
01:05:21You cover the front.
01:05:22Hold it!
01:05:23Wait!
01:05:28Ah!
01:05:35Ah!
01:05:55Here he comes!
01:05:56Get him!
01:06:03Taxi!
01:06:09Boris, where is Professor?
01:06:11I don't know.
01:06:15There he goes!
01:06:16What the?
01:06:17Hey!
01:06:18Taxi!
01:06:26Driver, follow that scooter.
01:06:27Should have pulled the plug on that thing
01:06:29when I had the chance.
01:06:30Ah!
01:06:31Ah!
01:06:32Don't kill me, please, please.
01:06:33Boris, don't shoot.
01:06:34Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:06:35What the hell's going on?
01:06:36How are you doing in here?
01:06:37You are going to kill me.
01:06:38You are assassins.
01:06:39Oh, my God.
01:06:40Oh, don't be ridiculous.
01:06:41You are assassin.
01:06:42You are the one who killed Willie and left
01:06:44his body in our hotel room.
01:06:45I don't know any Willie.
01:06:46Oh, really?
01:06:47Well, then perhaps you can explain this.
01:06:49No.
01:06:50I've never seen it before.
01:06:51I've never seen you before.
01:06:53Who the hell are you anyway?
01:06:54Now, listen.
01:06:55We are asked to come find you here,
01:06:56and ever since we come to this country,
01:06:58people are shooting at us,
01:06:59bodies are dropping like flies,
01:07:00all because something to do with you.
01:07:02So, start talking, mister.
01:07:04I don't know what to say.
01:07:07Boris, he doesn't look like killer.
01:07:10What's that smell?
01:07:12Driver, stop the car!
01:07:13But why?
01:07:14Dynamite!
01:07:15Oh, no!
01:07:16I said stop the car!
01:07:18You killed him.
01:07:20Boris.
01:07:22There.
01:07:41What was that?
01:07:42We blew up.
01:07:48Did it happen again?
01:07:49Yes.
01:07:50We have to jump out.
01:07:55This is beginning to hurt.
01:07:56Jump!
01:07:57No!
01:07:58Jump!
01:08:11Marvelous.
01:08:12Absolutely magnificent.
01:08:15Never want to die again.
01:08:19It works.
01:08:20Can you believe it?
01:08:21Of course, I knew it would,
01:08:22but even so,
01:08:23this is the first true test
01:08:25under life and death conditions.
01:08:28You know, I'm really very proud.
01:08:31What the hell are you talking about?
01:08:36The chip.
01:08:37Yes, there it was at long last,
01:08:39the incredible time-reversing microchip
01:08:41that they didn't even know existed.
01:08:43It is incredible.
01:08:44We didn't even know it existed.
01:08:46And as they stood in the moonlight,
01:08:48Dr. Polovich explained all about it,
01:08:50how he had invented it,
01:08:51and about all the different people who were after it,
01:08:53including his own insane twin brother, Krigor,
01:08:55who was rampaging around
01:08:56trying to kill anyone who got in his way.
01:08:59Well, our heroes were so impressed,
01:09:00they immediately vowed to join forces
01:09:02to stop the world from misusing his incredible invention.
01:09:07Unfortunately, he talked so long,
01:09:09he put them all to sleep.
01:09:11And they slept so soundly
01:09:13that not even the 515 from Yonkers
01:09:15could wake them up.
01:09:24He's got us!
01:09:25What?
01:09:26Professor Polovich!
01:09:27Damn, why does this always have to happen?
01:09:41Boris, look!
01:09:46That's it? No clue?
01:09:48This is clue.
01:09:50Yes, it was clue.
01:09:52Lucky for them and lucky for us,
01:09:53the professor had the presence of mind
01:09:54to leave it just as he was being snatched away.
01:09:56And with one look at that penny,
01:09:58Natasha made the obvious conclusion.
01:10:02Oh, look, Boris.
01:10:03I feel just like we're in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
01:10:07Don't kid yourself.
01:10:08Here, look at this.
01:10:11East tunnel.
01:10:12East nasal passage. Come on!
01:10:41Boris!
01:10:42Shh!
01:11:11Boris, look.
01:11:13A secret laboratory.
01:11:16Good boy.
01:11:28You know what this is?
01:11:29It's dust-free room for making microchip.
01:11:33I knew that.
01:11:34Boris, look.
01:11:41Is Pennsylvania in pain?
01:11:44We don't have time for that, Poopsy. Come on!
01:11:47Get a load of this.
01:11:58Must be hundreds.
01:12:07He's mailing them all over the world.
01:12:09Help!
01:12:10Listen.
01:12:11Help!
01:12:12I think there's someone in there.
01:12:19Hello?
01:12:20Hello?
01:12:21Help!
01:12:22Poopsy, here.
01:12:25Dr. Polovich!
01:12:26Thank God you found me.
01:12:28What the hell are you doing hanging upside down?
01:12:30Boris, don't talk to him. Cut him down.
01:12:32All right.
01:12:40Boris!
01:12:41Was not nice.
01:12:43I assumed he would tuck and roll.
01:12:45Not everyone is hung upside down as much as we are.
01:12:49How can I ever thank you?
01:12:51I assume you got my clue.
01:12:52The penny was brilliantly simple.
01:12:54Sure, sure. We made the connection right away.
01:12:56Come on. Up on your feet.
01:13:01What is this place?
01:13:02Oh, this is my home, my secret laboratory.
01:13:05But who kidnapped you?
01:13:07Grigo.
01:13:08Your twin?
01:13:09Everybody thought he was dead.
01:13:11But he was too brilliant, too clever for them.
01:13:15And finally, when I...
01:13:17When he found me...
01:13:18Wait a minute.
01:13:19Where did you get these shoes?
01:13:24Hands up!
01:13:25What the hell?
01:13:26But what are you doing?
01:13:27Get back!
01:13:28Back, I say!
01:13:29But why?
01:13:30Why?
01:13:37The resemblance is uncanny, don't you think?
01:13:45Anton?
01:13:46Who else?
01:13:47Come on, we got to get you out of here.
01:13:54Look, Grigo.
01:13:55You don't have to kill us.
01:13:57We could all go back to Pennsylvania together.
01:13:59You would get a hero's welcome.
01:14:01I'm not interested in a hero's welcome.
01:14:03I'm interested in money.
01:14:06Hundreds and millions of dollars.
01:14:09Do you know?
01:14:10Do you know what this idiot was doing?
01:14:12Mass-producing the time-reverse chip?
01:14:14What kind of stupid thing is that?
01:14:16That is a very interesting question.
01:14:18I realized at once the military implications
01:14:21of how one nation could rule the world.
01:14:24I tried to destroy the chip,
01:14:26but it kept coming back, don't you see?
01:14:28So I decided I had to make more
01:14:30so that every country on Earth could have them.
01:14:33And think of the good.
01:14:35Why, it could end war, it could...
01:14:37He was going to give them away, do you believe it?
01:14:39Give them away!
01:14:41It's a good thing I found you in time to kill you.
01:14:43Yes, dear brother, kill you,
01:14:45so I can re-emerge as you
01:14:47and claim the rewards I justly deserve
01:14:50as the inventor of the chip.
01:14:52You have nothing to do with it.
01:14:54And if you kill us, it will be on your head.
01:14:56I can live with that.
01:14:58Well, I can't. Neither can I.
01:15:00Quiet!
01:15:02Ow! God damn it!
01:15:06Drop the gun!
01:15:08Well, thanks to God you're here.
01:15:10This maniac was trying to kill us.
01:15:12Don't get your hopes up, kid.
01:15:14My plans for you aren't much brighter.
01:15:17All right, hand over the chip.
01:15:20Excuse me, sir, please don't kill us.
01:15:23If you want the chip for your government, I'd be...
01:15:25No, no, Troy, you're wrong, Doc.
01:15:27I'm not working for the government today.
01:15:29I'm working for the real power in America,
01:15:32the auto industry,
01:15:34not to mention defense contractors
01:15:36and insurance companies.
01:15:38If this chip gets out,
01:15:40can you imagine what would happen to weapon sales and cars?
01:15:43What if there were never another car crash?
01:15:46Come on, wake up and smell the napalm.
01:15:49My people want this chip on ice for a couple of years
01:15:51till we can figure out some kind of strategy.
01:15:53That's immoral.
01:15:55So is car insurance, but you still pay for it.
01:15:57Drop the gun, Sheldon.
01:15:59Drop it or you're dead.
01:16:06Toots! Harv!
01:16:08Also known as Agent Moose and Squirrel.
01:16:11Moose and Squirrel?
01:16:13Yes, your old adversaries.
01:16:15Surgically altered once again.
01:16:17Oh, boy.
01:16:19I thought it was friend.
01:16:21Sorry, Tash, old kid,
01:16:23but this is business. You understand?
01:16:25So, you knew all along?
01:16:27Sure. Well, he was in with me
01:16:29till I found out he was a double agent.
01:16:31So you killed him?
01:16:33No, I thought you killed him.
01:16:35No, you didn't kill him.
01:16:37All right, all right, I killed him. Let's change the subject.
01:16:39To what? You and your genius?
01:16:41He's just trying to bring the conversation back to himself.
01:16:43He does it all the time.
01:16:45No, I really killed him.
01:16:47Why is everyone so stupid?
01:16:49Look, I was pretending to be Anton.
01:16:51When you surprised me when you came back to the room,
01:16:53when I came back to the room to find the train schedule
01:16:55Willie had taken from me in the scuffle when I killed him,
01:16:57because he'd followed me to the hotel
01:16:59where I had followed you, if you follow me.
01:17:01After Willie had killed Minnelli,
01:17:03who was talking to you about Willie.
01:17:05No, no, about Anton.
01:17:07No, where was I?
01:17:09Wait a minute.
01:17:11So who shot up our apartment?
01:17:13I did.
01:17:15Oh, you're a real fun guy, aren't you?
01:17:17All right, that's enough.
01:17:21Drop the gun.
01:17:23Fearless leader.
01:17:25Shut your mouth.
01:17:27Everybody in the force, especially you two.
01:17:29But fearless leader.
01:17:31Quiet.
01:17:33Well, well, it's been a long time, Felix.
01:17:35Suez 62, wasn't it?
01:17:37Shut up about that.
01:17:39No, fear is the microchip.
01:17:41So Minnelli was right.
01:17:43You're using us.
01:17:45Of course.
01:17:47I had the chance to be the most powerful man in the world.
01:17:51And get rid of you too,
01:17:53all at the same time.
01:17:55It would have worked too
01:17:57if this cretin hadn't shot my best assassin.
01:18:03I'm sorry, Krieger,
01:18:05to ruin your ingenious little plan.
01:18:09You've made me a very wealthy man.
01:18:11It's a pity none of you
01:18:13will live to witness it.
01:18:17Where is the head of Pierre?
01:18:19Oh, shut up.
01:18:29Drive him, Boris.
01:18:33Get off that bus, you idiot!
01:18:37You do what?
01:18:39Now you will pay!
01:18:51Don't anybody move!
01:19:09What do we do now, Boris?
01:19:11You got a light?
01:19:17Boris!
01:19:19I was saving this for a rainy day.
01:19:21Heads up, everybody!
01:19:23No!
01:19:25No!
01:19:39No!
01:19:53Boris.
01:19:55Boris.
01:19:57Boris.
01:19:59Speak to me, Boris.
01:20:03Get leg off chest.
01:20:05Oh, Boris, darling.
01:20:07Thank God you're safe.
01:20:09Oh, no.
01:20:11Look, darling, look.
01:20:13We are in Valoon.
01:20:17You got kidding.
01:20:19Look, he's brought that back.
01:20:21An egg of Kiev.
01:20:23Oh, Boris.
01:20:25It was chips.
01:20:27You blew us all the way back to beginning of movie.
01:20:29I did?
01:20:31Oh, yeah, I did.
01:20:33Pretty good plan, huh, poopsie?
01:20:35Hello?
01:20:39Polaridge, what the hell are you doing here?
01:20:41That is an interesting question.
01:20:43Some kind of overload, I should think.
01:20:45Wait a minute. We got to figure out what is going on here.
01:20:47We are in Valoon.
01:20:49We have egg.
01:20:51And not one thing has happened yet.
01:20:53Okey-dokey.
01:20:55So now we go back to Pots...
01:20:57Oh, no.
01:20:59What?
01:21:01If we know what's going to happen, then so does fearless leader.
01:21:03There's only one thing we can do.
01:21:09We go to Tahiti.
01:21:13Boris, darling.
01:21:23Wait a minute.
01:21:25Are there only two of them?
01:21:27Yes, Colonel Gordon.
01:21:29For a moment I thought I saw three.
01:21:33Oh, by the way,
01:21:35I never really got your names.
01:21:37Oh, permit me to introduce myself.
01:21:39I'm Boris Badenov,
01:21:41and this is my...
01:21:43my girlfriend,
01:21:45Natasha Fetal.
01:21:47And so they went to Tahiti.
01:21:49Unfortunately, it was monsoon season,
01:21:51and most of the residents
01:21:53were in the process of evacuating the island,
01:21:55but Boris and Natasha didn't care.
01:21:57They were safe.
01:21:59They were together,
01:22:01and things were back to normal.
01:22:03Hey, Boris!
01:22:05What are you doing here?
01:22:07I'm here to help you.
01:22:09I'm here to help you.
01:22:11I'm here to help you.
01:22:13I'm here to help you.
01:22:15Hey, Puffy!
01:22:45And did they really think that Fearless Leader
01:22:47wouldn't come after them?
01:22:49Time had been reversed, so Agent X would still be alive.
01:22:51What?
01:22:53And what about Moose?
01:22:55Squirrel?
01:22:57Kaufman?
01:22:59What about Jose?
01:23:01Maneli?
01:23:03Kalashak?
01:23:05What about Telly Savalas?
01:23:07What's he been doing lately?
01:23:09And who the hell is this guy?
01:23:11The answers to these questions
01:23:13Did they think that no one could follow them?
01:23:15Did they think they could just sit there?
01:23:17Ah, shut up!
01:23:19Well, be with us next time
01:23:21for Goodbye, Mr. Chip,
01:23:23or the Megabyte's Back!
01:23:29It's good to be mad
01:23:33It's bad to be good
01:23:37It's good to be mad
01:23:41It's bad to be good
01:23:45Some women want a man to be nice
01:23:48Holding down the five-yard kisser
01:23:50Once or twice
01:23:52But if you're looking for danger
01:23:54It's the same old song
01:23:56You need a bad, bad man
01:23:58A man that's gone wrong
01:24:00I've got a lover that makes me weep
01:24:03While tossing and turning
01:24:05I can't get no sleep
01:24:07Everybody's asking me
01:24:09I love him so much
01:24:11He's a bad, bad man
01:24:13With a dynamite touch
01:24:15He's got a dynamite touch
01:24:19You're so bad, you're good
01:24:22It's good to be bad
01:24:26It's good to be mad
01:24:29It's bad to be good
01:24:34Bogging, becoming, love on the bed
01:24:37Body in cloud or hell on a bed
01:24:40Asked her to hit it while
01:24:42His women go wild
01:24:44He's got a long, cruel gun
01:24:46That he treats like a child
01:24:48I've got a lover that makes me weep
01:24:51While tossing and turning
01:24:53I can't get no sleep
01:24:55Everybody's asking me
01:24:57I love him so much
01:24:59He's a bad, bad man
01:25:01With a dynamite touch
01:25:03He's got a dynamite touch
01:25:06It's good to be bad
01:25:09It's bad to be good
01:25:13It's good to be bad
01:25:16It's bad to be good
01:25:21Do what you shouldn't, not what you should
01:25:24You know you look to other men
01:25:26In your neighborhood, you know you do it
01:25:29It's just a question of when
01:25:31And if you don't understand me
01:25:33Then I'll tell you again
01:25:35It's good to be bad
01:25:38It's bad to be good
01:25:43It's good to be bad
01:25:46It's bad to be good
01:25:50It's good to be bad
01:25:53It's bad to be good
01:25:57It's good to be bad
01:25:59It's good to be bad
01:26:01It's good to be, good to be, good to be bad
01:26:05It's good to be bad
01:26:08It's bad to be good
01:26:12It's good to be bad
01:26:15It's bad to be good
01:26:20It's good to be bad
01:26:22It's good to be bad
01:26:24It's good to be bad
01:26:26It's good to be bad
01:26:28It's good to be bad
01:26:31It's bad to be good
01:26:35It's good to be bad
01:26:38It's bad to be good
01:26:42It's good to be bad
01:26:45It's bad to be good
01:26:50It's good to be bad
01:26:53It's bad to be good
01:26:57It's good to be bad
01:27:00It's bad to be good
01:27:04It's good to be bad
01:27:07It's bad to be good
01:27:11It's good to be bad
01:27:14It's bad to be good
01:27:17I was around 12 and
01:27:19that's when I guess I realized
01:27:21my parents didn't really like me, you know?
01:27:23I mean, not really hated me
01:27:25but I just think that...
01:27:27Well, see, there was this one time
01:27:29we went on this camping trip
01:27:31during the summer to Yellowstone
01:27:33and see, there were these bears