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00:00:00In the long summer of 1890, a young lady decided to write her first novel.
00:00:19She wrote a chapter a day between breakfast and bath time and delivered it to her parents
00:00:29in a stout Tuppany exercise book exactly twelve days later.
00:00:44The young lady's name was Daisy Ashford and she wrote it when she was nine years old.
00:00:51Let's bask under the spreading trees, said Bernard.
00:00:57He called it The Young Visitors or Mr. Saltina's Plan.
00:01:04How lovely, Bernard Garstethel.
00:01:09After several years, a publisher discovered it lying in lavender, as it were, amongst
00:01:14her mother's papers.
00:01:16To this day, it has never once been out of print.
00:01:23Mr. Saltina was an elderly man of forty-two and was fond of asking people to stay with
00:01:29him.
00:01:30He had black, twisty hair with pale blue eyes and wore a topper every day as he thought
00:01:36it were all the coming.
00:01:39He lived a very lonely life in East Dulwich and wished daily for a lifelong wife and help
00:01:46mate, but sadly none was forthcoming.
00:01:51One evening, coming home on the 7.39, something occurred which changed his whole life beyond
00:02:00his wildest imaginings.
00:02:01Would you listen to me, please?
00:02:02Ethel?
00:02:03Yes.
00:02:04Real gentleman.
00:02:05Let that mingle in society.
00:02:06Lords and dukes and what have you.
00:02:07Well, find them then.
00:02:08Trying to find them, aren't I?
00:02:09Now then, now then, where is it, oh yes, the society page.
00:02:37Ah, I gout Wimbledon.
00:02:41Is he by Joe?
00:02:43Ah, and the Duke.
00:02:46Goodness me.
00:02:48Oh, what a scamp.
00:02:51Dear me.
00:02:53I thank you.
00:03:07My pleasure.
00:03:10Mrs Angelique Montague.
00:03:13My daughter, Ethel.
00:03:19Alfred Sortina.
00:03:27Baronet.
00:03:28Oh, Baronet.
00:03:29March, Marchioness.
00:03:31Castles and stately homes.
00:03:33Oh, castles and stately homes.
00:03:36Creme de la creme.
00:03:38Top people.
00:03:41Royalty.
00:03:42Oh, my goodness me.
00:03:44Yes.
00:03:45Let me just check my appointments, Larry.
00:03:51Ah, yes.
00:03:52Quite busy, of course.
00:03:55I don't see any reason why I can't rearrange my schedule.
00:04:02Yes.
00:04:03To be moved.
00:04:05Yes, I don't see any problem with it at all.
00:04:09Yes, I should be able to accommodate.
00:04:13Most satisfactorily.
00:04:17And so it was agreed that Ethel Montague should come for a stop with Mr Sortina
00:04:23to meet with all the dukes and nobles of East Dulwich.
00:04:27Absolutely splendid, said he, with joy spreading on his merry demeanour
00:04:32and a bouncy new spring on his step.
00:04:36Splendid, splendid.
00:04:38Absolutely splendid.
00:04:40Splendid.
00:04:41Splendid, splendid.
00:04:43Absolutely splendid.
00:04:58Rosalind.
00:05:00Rosalind.
00:05:04Now then, Rosalind, I've invited a young person to stay, so if you...
00:05:07And when would that be, sir?
00:05:09Tomorrow, so...
00:05:10Tomorrow?
00:05:11That's right, yes. Miss Montague. Ethel Montague.
00:05:14So if you would prepare the spare room
00:05:17and purchase foodstuffs and soaps and so forth so she can wash herself.
00:05:21Certainly, sir.
00:05:23Thank you, Rosalind.
00:05:24Thank you, sir.
00:05:50Dear Lord Clark, I thought I would write to you and hope you don't mind.
00:05:55I was wondering if you might recollect me bumping into you at a recent function.
00:06:02Thank you, sir.
00:07:13Rosalind?
00:07:17Has anyone...
00:07:18Not as yet, sir, no, sir.
00:07:21Thank you, Rosalind.
00:07:23Thank you, sir.
00:07:39Rosalind?
00:07:50Rosalind?
00:08:09Sir, shall I...?
00:08:11What?
00:08:12Shower him, sir.
00:08:14Right, good, yes.
00:08:16Shower him, please, if you would, please.
00:08:18I'll wait here.
00:08:20Very good, sir.
00:08:30Enter!
00:08:32Miss Ethel Montague, sir.
00:08:35Ah.
00:08:37Miss Montague, how charming to see you again, if I may say so.
00:08:41Call me Ethel, do.
00:08:44Ethel, why, thank you, and I hope you will call me Alfred.
00:08:48Or, if you prefer, Alf.
00:08:51Very well, Alf.
00:08:54May I extend to you a cordial welcome to East Dulwich,
00:08:58and do not hesitate to ask regarding all your requirements.
00:09:04I should like to change my frock and put a more rouge upon my face.
00:09:09Not that you need to, in my view.
00:09:15Thank you, Rosalind.
00:09:17Thank you, madam.
00:09:19And my cases, please.
00:09:21Yes. Carry Miss Montague's faces, please, Rosalind.
00:09:27Cases, please, Rosalind.
00:09:29Certainly, sir.
00:09:32Thank you, madam.
00:09:45It's quite small, isn't it?
00:09:48When Mr Saltina had kindly insisted
00:09:51on making Ethel's room more habitable for her luggage,
00:09:55they imbibed together a few drops of sherry wine,
00:09:59after which she slept like a log.
00:10:08Mr Saltina, on the other hand,
00:10:12Mr Saltina, on the other hand,
00:10:14barely slept a wink and could hardly wait till morning.
00:10:28Morning, Ethel.
00:10:30Good morning, Alf.
00:10:32Rosalind's laid you an egg, I see.
00:10:34Yes, thank you.
00:10:36What a lovely frock you are wearing, if I may say so.
00:10:39Unfortunately, it's grown rather short in the sleeves.
00:10:43To me, it is a vision of loveliness.
00:10:46Why, thank you, kind sir.
00:10:49Anyway...
00:10:53Yes, Ethel?
00:10:55When shall we start mingling
00:10:57with all the gentlemen and society and so forth?
00:11:01Mingling?
00:11:03Um, I thought we might start mingling today.
00:11:08And where would we be mingling?
00:11:11Um, I thought...
00:11:14probably...
00:11:17here.
00:11:20In East Dulwich?
00:11:22To start with, and then...
00:11:24And when will we be meeting the dukes and the nobles?
00:11:27The dukes and the no...
00:11:29As promised.
00:11:31Absolutely. Um...
00:11:33It's all being attended to.
00:11:37Good.
00:11:41Excuse me, sir.
00:11:43Rosalind, how many times do I have to tell you
00:11:46to leave us in peace, please?
00:11:49Very good, sir.
00:11:54Rosalind?
00:11:57Yes, sir?
00:11:59What is that strange-shaped parcel you are holding, might I ask?
00:12:03It just arrived just now, sir.
00:12:05Well, might I see it, please?
00:12:08Very good, sir.
00:12:12Oh, well. Parcels do turn queer.
00:12:15Turn queer.
00:12:35My dear Alfred,
00:12:37I am inviting you to come for a stop with me in my castle
00:12:42as I am a lonely man in a remote spot,
00:12:46and though I like people and parties, I do not know many,
00:12:50and I have sent you a top hat
00:12:54wrapped in tissue paper inside the box.
00:12:59By the way, please bring with you any young lady
00:13:04who may be staying with you,
00:13:06whichever is prettiest in the face.
00:13:08No!
00:13:10Yours truly,
00:13:12Bernard Clark...
00:13:15Lord.
00:13:19Well, well. Bernard Clark.
00:13:23Bernard Clark.
00:13:26Lord Clark.
00:13:28Old chum of mine.
00:13:30Lord Clark.
00:13:32That's right, yes.
00:13:34So are you going to try it on, then, Alf?
00:13:36I beg your pardon?
00:13:38The hat.
00:13:44Oh, it suits you, Alf.
00:13:49I fear the ribbon is rather too flighty for my age.
00:13:56Would you like a spell with Bernard, Ethel, in his castle,
00:13:59were I to arrange it?
00:14:01If you wish.
00:14:09Goodbye, sir.
00:14:11I have placed half a crown under the master teapot.
00:14:14Thank you, sir.
00:14:16Take care of your bronchitis, Ethel.
00:14:19Rosalind.
00:14:21Rosalind.
00:14:22Thank you, sir.
00:14:27Doreen, Doreen.
00:14:28We shall be late for the train, Alf.
00:14:30Yes, I know, I'm trying.
00:14:31The cab is waiting, Alf.
00:14:32Yes, I know, thank you. Drive on!
00:15:09What's that through there, Alf?
00:15:14Through there?
00:15:15Yes.
00:15:18First class.
00:15:21So what are we, then?
00:15:24Second class.
00:15:27Do they serve afternoon tea in second class?
00:15:33Do they serve afternoon tea in second class?
00:15:38No, they don't.
00:15:39Excuse me, excuse me.
00:15:40This is the correct train for Ricomere, is it?
00:15:43Ricomere, that's right, it is, yes.
00:15:45Good, good.
00:15:46My young companion and myself are spending a few days
00:15:48at Ricomere Hall, as it happens.
00:15:50Personally invited by Lord Clark, obviously.
00:15:54Do you know Lord Clark at all, owner of Ricomere Hall?
00:15:58Owner of all the land thereabouts, all of this is his.
00:16:01The cow's flashing past the window.
00:16:03Not surprising, really, as he is inclined to be rather rich.
00:16:13Ricomere Station!
00:16:15All those for Ricomere Hall, please!
00:16:19All those for Ricomere Hall!
00:16:22Welcome to Ricomere!
00:16:25Welcome to Ricomere Hall!
00:16:28You're sure to have a ball!
00:16:43Excuse me, sir.
00:16:44Would you be for Ricomere Hall?
00:16:46Yes, we would, please.
00:16:47So is this young lady.
00:16:49Would you care to follow me, please?
00:16:52Oh, look at all this olive green plush!
00:16:58The latches have got them.
00:17:04Will he bring our luggage?
00:17:06Oh, I'm sure, yes.
00:17:09Just as I thought.
00:17:13Do we tip him out?
00:17:15No, no, Ethel, we just tip him out.
00:17:19No, no, Ethel, we just thank him politely at this stage.
00:17:25So when do we tip him?
00:17:28Generally, one leaves half a crown on the dressing table upon departure.
00:17:34Half a crown?
00:17:35Half a crown, that's right.
00:17:38So they just find it?
00:17:40They just find it, yes.
00:17:41What if they don't find it?
00:17:42They will find it.
00:17:43What if they don't, though?
00:17:44They'll find it, Ethel.
00:17:48How do they find it?
00:17:49I don't know how they find it, but they do.
00:17:51And if they don't, it can't be helped, can it?
00:17:56Oh, what a rich fur rug!
00:18:00Pleasure, ma'am.
00:18:01And who might you be, my man?
00:18:03I'm Horace, sir.
00:18:05Very good.
00:18:06Horace.
00:18:07Good journey, sir.
00:18:09Very comfortable, thank you.
00:18:10Yes, we travelled up second class.
00:18:14Perfectly adequate, in my view.
00:18:17Very wise, sir.
00:18:18Excuse me.
00:18:20Yes, madam?
00:18:21How does Lord Clark travel?
00:18:23Lord Clark, madam?
00:18:25When he travels?
00:18:27First, madam.
00:18:32And so, the young visitors, gloriously attired in their travelling garb,
00:18:38swept across Lord Clark's mighty domain,
00:18:41and soon the mysterious towers of Wickham Air Hall heaved into view.
00:19:11Welcome to Wickham Air Hall, sir, madam.
00:19:35Um, minute, sir.
00:19:37Minute.
00:19:39Might I take your hat, sir?
00:19:42I think Lord Clark would prefer me to wear it.
00:19:45Very good, sir.
00:19:47And the cigar, sir.
00:20:08Mr. Alfred Saltino, sir, and...
00:20:15A lady.
00:20:16Ah.
00:20:17Well, well.
00:20:18Alfred.
00:20:25Alf, please.
00:20:42Alf.
00:20:43How are you?
00:20:46How are you?
00:20:48Very well, thank you.
00:20:50And may I introduce Miss Montague?
00:20:53This is Miss Montague.
00:20:55This is Lord Clark.
00:20:59Bernard.
00:21:01I'm delighted to meet you, Miss Montague.
00:21:05Ethel.
00:21:07Ethel.
00:21:12Take Mr Saltina's hat, a minute.
00:21:15Very good, sir.
00:21:20Thank you, minute.
00:21:26I'm afraid I've not arranged any parties or such like,
00:21:30as I do not know anybody.
00:21:33Do not worry, as I do not mix much in society myself.
00:21:37Might I order you some afternoon tea?
00:21:40Oh, yes, indeed, Bernard, that would be tip-top, wouldn't it, Ethel?
00:21:43Only if it is no bother.
00:21:45No bother, I assure you.
00:21:47Tea, please, minute.
00:21:49Certainly, my lord. Splendid.
00:21:52What will we be having, if you don't mind my asking, Bernard?
00:21:56I'm afraid I have no idea. Minute.
00:21:59Sir?
00:22:01What will we be having, minute?
00:22:07Having, sir?
00:22:09The tea.
00:22:11Two kinds of bread and butter, sir.
00:22:13Sandwiches of different flavours, various kinds of cake,
00:22:16and a jam roly-poly, sir.
00:22:19Oh, splendid, splendid.
00:22:24Well, while we await tea,
00:22:28perhaps you would allow me to show you to your compartments?
00:22:32If it is not too much trouble, um...
00:22:35Bernard.
00:22:37Bernard.
00:22:42Bernard.
00:22:57This will be your room, Alfred.
00:22:59A small but dainty compartment in pale yellow.
00:23:03Steps for climbing up to the bath, by Jove.
00:23:06That's a good dodge, Bernard. See the steps, Ethel?
00:23:10And a grand toilet seat.
00:23:14Indeed. And this...
00:23:18..is yours, Miss Maltin.
00:23:21Ethel.
00:23:23Look, Alf.
00:23:26A tip of basin.
00:23:29Splendid.
00:23:31And a house thing for washing your head.
00:23:35Look at that, Alf.
00:23:38Fascinating.
00:23:40So, um, where might your compartment be, then, Bernard?
00:23:46My compartment is down many distant corridors.
00:23:51It's decorated in dark red, as I have sombre tastes.
00:24:08BELLS RING
00:24:38DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:24:57Well, into the fray.
00:25:08DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:25:28Thank you, Minit.
00:25:30Brown men's a soup, sir.
00:25:32Much obliged, my good man.
00:25:39Well, you have a very sumptuous house, Bernard.
00:25:44The Ancestral Hall? Yes.
00:25:46It's fairly decent, I suppose.
00:25:50After our repast, I could show you round, if you wish.
00:25:55How lovely, Bernard.
00:26:08Thank you, my man.
00:26:32Are you all right, Alf?
00:26:35Quite all right, thank you, Etel.
00:26:39He's getting flustered with his forks.
00:26:42Everything's under control, thank you.
00:26:46We use our fingers.
00:26:49Yes, I know, thank you.
00:27:05DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:27:21I've often considered having balls here.
00:27:24Balls?
00:27:28Then I might get to know a few people.
00:27:30You might.
00:27:36DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:27:40A minute? Yes, sir.
00:27:42A little top-up, if you would, please, my man.
00:27:45Certainly, sir.
00:27:47DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:28:05DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:28:16Cheerio!
00:28:24My grandmother, Marianne Fudge.
00:28:27She was very well known in her day.
00:28:29I don't quite know why, but she was.
00:28:32How fascinating.
00:28:34Isn't it a fascinating ancestral hall, Alf?
00:28:38Yes, fascinating.
00:28:40That's my great-uncle Ambrose Fudge.
00:28:43He was the sinister son of Queen Victoria.
00:28:46Sinister? Yes.
00:28:48Why was he...? I'd rather not talk about it.
00:28:51And the lady with the grapes?
00:28:54Her name was Minnie Pilato.
00:28:56She was engaged to the Earl of Tullygarden,
00:28:59only didn't quite come off.
00:29:01So she married a captain in the navy and had seven children.
00:29:04So many ancestors, Bernard.
00:29:06And many more of the same ilk scattered throughout my domain.
00:29:10How glorious to have so many ancestors, all of the same ilk.
00:29:16Don't you think, Alf?
00:29:20Yes.
00:29:22DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
00:29:25Oh, cool, oh, cool!
00:29:28APPLAUSE
00:29:44Oh, fair maiden, oh, fair maiden
00:29:48This chaperoned lady
00:29:50Oh, fair maiden, oh, fair maiden
00:29:53This chaperoned lad doth cry
00:29:57Oh, turn, oh, turn, fair maiden
00:30:01Before you have to fly
00:30:05Give me one glance to show me
00:30:09To show me you but know me
00:30:13Give me one hope to hold you
00:30:16Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:21Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:25Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:29Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:33That I unworthy be
00:30:37Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:41Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:45Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:48That I unworthy be
00:30:52Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:56Even though I'd be unworthy
00:30:59Even though I'd be unworthy
00:31:11Good morning, sir.
00:31:13Morning beverage, sir.
00:31:17Might I turn on your morning bath, if such is your desire, sir?
00:31:21Yes, please, if you would please a minute, if you wouldn't mind.
00:31:24Very good, sir.
00:31:28Ethel?
00:31:30I'm having my morning tea in bed, Ethel!
00:31:34Ethel!
00:31:38Ethel?
00:31:43Would you by any chance know where Miss...
00:31:45Breakfasting in the breakfast room, sir.
00:31:47Breakfasting?
00:31:48With Lord Clark, sir.
00:31:51Um, on second thoughts, I will not have my bath.
00:31:54I will go straight to the breakfast room where I will breakfast also, thank you.
00:32:01A dressing gown, sir.
00:32:03Ah, yes, of course.
00:32:07This one, perhaps? Or...
00:32:09I'll have the mauve and the tassels, please.
00:32:11I think you might find the mauve and the tassels...
00:32:13The mauve and the tassels, if you would please, my good man.
00:32:19Certainly, sir.
00:32:42GLASSES CLINK
00:33:06Morning, Elthel boy.
00:33:08Morning, Bernard.
00:33:09Morning, Ethel.
00:33:11Morning.
00:33:12Bernard?
00:33:14Yes?
00:33:15I was wondering, could I talk with you alone?
00:33:19Alone?
00:33:21Yes, please.
00:33:24As must be highly evident, I'm most fond of Miss Montague
00:33:28and have brought her here in the high hopes
00:33:30of proposing to her on the premises.
00:33:34But I fear, I fear I'm not all she would wish.
00:33:41I fear she would like me more if I was more.
00:33:50More what, old man?
00:33:53I mean, I'm quite all right, as they say.
00:33:55But I'm not the real thing, Bernard.
00:33:57I'd give anything to be the real thing, you see.
00:33:59Like you, Bernard, to merge and mingle with people of rank,
00:34:04to levitate to the proper level.
00:34:06Well, I suppose there's always the Crystal Palace.
00:34:12The Crystal Palace?
00:34:15Yes.
00:34:16I believe that several earls, baronets, even a duchess or two
00:34:20have private compartments there.
00:34:22They take on certain students who
00:34:25wish to advance themselves.
00:34:27Advance themselves?
00:34:28For a small fee.
00:34:29But that sounds absolutely ideal, duchess.
00:34:32Bernard.
00:34:34Bernard.
00:34:37I'll tell you what I'll do, Alford boy.
00:34:39I'll give you a letter to my old pal, the Earl of Clincham,
00:34:41who lives there.
00:34:42Who knows, he might rub you up.
00:34:44Rub me up?
00:34:45Help you to become more seemly.
00:34:48But that's what I want, Bernard.
00:34:49I want to become more seemly.
00:34:53It's worth a shot.
00:34:55Oh, thank you, Bernard.
00:35:00But what about, um?
00:35:03What?
00:35:05At all.
00:35:09Listen to me, Alf.
00:35:12Forgive me if I'm utterly blunt, but I
00:35:13think it's essential that you visit
00:35:14Clincham immediately before you, you know, propose.
00:35:20Immediately, yes, indeed, Bernard.
00:35:22But where could she?
00:35:25I mean.
00:35:27Well, she could stay on here.
00:35:30Here?
00:35:31Yes.
00:35:32I mean, she's a pretty cheerful,
00:35:35pretty active, pretty sort of a girl.
00:35:40Sure she wouldn't be in the way, Bernard?
00:35:42Oh, I'm sure she can amuse myself.
00:35:44Amuse herself while you're training, precisely.
00:35:54This could be the thin end of the partition, Bernard.
00:35:58With any luck, Alf.
00:36:02Forgive me for abandoning you quite so
00:36:03hastily after our arrival, my dear.
00:36:06But I find I have pressing business in town.
00:36:08I am unable to divulge at this juncture for urgent reasons,
00:36:12which I shall hope shall become clear
00:36:14in the very near distant future.
00:36:17Meanwhile, Lord Clark has kindly
00:36:20agreed to entertaining you in his capable hands
00:36:23during my departure.
00:36:26Thank you, Lord Clark.
00:36:27I shall bear you always in my bosom.
00:36:30No, that's.
00:36:31Oh, sorry.
00:36:32Yeah.
00:36:34I shall return, Ethel.
00:36:35Right-o.
00:36:37Goodbye, Bernard.
00:36:41You have the letter to Clincham?
00:36:43The Earl of Clincham, Bernard.
00:36:45Not a word to Ethel.
00:36:46Not a word.
00:36:48Well, goodbye, Alf.
00:36:50Old man, good luck.
00:36:52And Godspeed.
00:36:56A few sandwiches for the journey, sir.
00:36:59Oh, thank you.
00:37:00Most kind.
00:37:01Not kind, sir, quite usual.
00:37:10Mr. Saltina left immediately, happy as a lark
00:37:14that Ethel's fair hand would soon be his.
00:37:18And he was very glad he did not have an egg for his breakfast,
00:37:22in case he should be sick upon the journey.
00:38:02I know something about Clincham, you don't?
00:38:04Yes, sir.
00:38:05I'm sorry.
00:38:06You?
00:38:32Yes?
00:38:34Excuse me?
00:38:35Yes?
00:38:37I'm seeking the Earl of Clincham.
00:38:39I have a letter from an old.
00:38:49Hurry up.
00:38:51Hurry!
00:38:52Hurry!
00:38:53Hurry!
00:38:54Hurry!
00:38:55Hurry!
00:38:56Hurry!
00:38:57Hurry!
00:38:58Hurry!
00:38:59Hurry!
00:39:00Hurry!
00:39:01Hurry!
00:39:11Excuse me?
00:39:13Yes?
00:39:14Are you by any chance him?
00:39:16Who?
00:39:17The Earl of Clincham?
00:39:19Not exactly, no.
00:39:20I'm Edward Procurio, Groom of the Chambers.
00:39:24I'm half Italian.
00:39:26How do you do?
00:39:27How do you do?
00:39:30Would you know where I might find his lordship, perchance?
00:39:33End of the corridor, fourth door down.
00:39:40Of course, they may be out.
00:39:42No one ever knows what they're up to, does one?
00:39:47I know a lot more than most people about the inmates here.
00:39:50About their various...
00:39:52habits.
00:40:00Come.
00:40:06My dear Clincham,
00:40:08the gentleman before you
00:40:10is named Alfred Sartina,
00:40:13also known as Alf.
00:40:15He is an old friend of mine,
00:40:18though not quite the right side of the blanket.
00:40:21He's a very good man.
00:40:23He's a very good man.
00:40:25He's a very good man.
00:40:28He's not quite the right side of the blanket.
00:40:31He is, in fact, the son of a butcher,
00:40:33though his mother comes from a decent enough family called...
00:40:37Hiss... Hissops.
00:40:39Hissops.
00:40:40So, you see, he's not so bad
00:40:42and is most in earnest of becoming the correct article,
00:40:46as they say.
00:40:47Hope you're keeping well yours as ever, Burne Clark.
00:40:51Correct article, eh?
00:40:53Rub shoulders with a noble, would you?
00:40:56It would indeed be a great...
00:40:58Mingle with the blood royal?
00:41:00My lord, I did not dare presume...
00:41:02A small portion flows in my veins.
00:41:05But in the next world, what'll be the odds, eh?
00:41:08What I say is,
00:41:10these things are as piffle before the wind,
00:41:13wouldn't you agree?
00:41:14I was thinking more of this world, your honour.
00:41:17Whiskey.
00:41:53So,
00:41:55what profession had you in mind?
00:41:58Profession, your lordships?
00:42:00You'll need a proper profession in keeping with your station.
00:42:03Any ideas?
00:42:05Well,
00:42:06something at...
00:42:08Buckingham Palace, possibly?
00:42:10Buckingham Palace, eh?
00:42:13Well, um, I suppose you could try
00:42:17galloping alongside the royal barouche?
00:42:22Would you like that?
00:42:24Yes, indeed, my noble lord.
00:42:26I'm very fond of fresh air and royalties.
00:42:29I could have a word with the Prince of Wales, I suppose.
00:42:33Prince of Wales?
00:42:34Now look here, I must warn you
00:42:35that this is an exclusive training and don't come cheap.
00:42:39I do have some savings.
00:42:43Upon your person?
00:42:45Upon my person.
00:42:52Yes, my lord.
00:42:56Splendid.
00:42:58Now,
00:43:00while you are here,
00:43:01you will live in compartments in the basement
00:43:03known as the lower range.
00:43:04You will receive a rigorous training
00:43:06in such things as correct use of cutlery,
00:43:08parlance to royalty and etiquette to menials and so forth.
00:43:11You will mix with me for grammar
00:43:12and I might take you hunting and shooting sometimes
00:43:15to give you a few tips.
00:43:16Also,
00:43:17also,
00:43:18I have a number of ladies' parties
00:43:21you will attend occasionally.
00:43:22Ladies' parties?
00:43:23But I must make one thing quite clear.
00:43:25You may not marry whilst under instruction.
00:43:29No, I shall not need to, thank you.
00:43:31I can marry, but you can't.
00:43:35There is a young lady to whom I've set my cap at, my lord.
00:43:39Excellent.
00:43:40And?
00:43:41Whom I hope to win as my cherished wife.
00:43:43Marvellous.
00:43:44As a direct result of my actions heretofore.
00:43:46Right, that's enough.
00:43:47Enter.
00:43:50Oh,
00:43:51this is, um,
00:43:53oh, um,
00:43:56Bessie Topp, sir.
00:43:58Bessie Topp.
00:43:59Yes,
00:44:00this is, this is Bessie Topp.
00:44:03Would you take Mr Saltina's bag to the lower range,
00:44:06would you, Bessie?
00:44:09Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.
00:44:15Rather red in the face, but quite pretty, don't you think?
00:44:19Now, you will proceed to the lower regions
00:44:22where you will reside for the duration of your training.
00:44:25I, myself, must call on a brace of dukes and a darger.
00:44:28Until we meet again,
00:44:30au revoir.
00:44:49As Mr Saltina ascended towards his heart's desire,
00:44:52Bernard thought he would show Ethel his gloomy pile.
00:44:55And they spent a merry morning so doing,
00:44:58and Ethel began to be a bit excited.
00:45:01Ethel? Ethel?
00:45:03And she passed bright remarks on all the rooms.
00:45:06You could have your balls in here, Bernard.
00:45:10My balls?
00:45:12Oh,
00:45:14oh,
00:45:16oh,
00:45:18oh,
00:45:20oh,
00:45:22oh,
00:45:24oh,
00:45:26oh,
00:45:28oh,
00:45:31costume balls,
00:45:37fancy dress balls,
00:45:41all kinds of different balls.
00:45:46I could.
00:45:48I could, yes.
00:45:54Ethel?
00:45:55Yes.
00:45:57I was thinking.
00:45:59Yes.
00:46:01What about?
00:46:03What?
00:46:05Going up to London for a week's gaiety.
00:46:09A week's gaiety?
00:46:11Yes.
00:46:13Who?
00:46:16You and me.
00:46:20I know of several splendid hotels.
00:46:23We could go to theatres,
00:46:25parties,
00:46:28and enjoy ourselves to the full.
00:46:30So we could.
00:46:32What an idea.
00:46:58Oh,
00:47:00oh,
00:47:02oh,
00:47:04oh,
00:47:06oh,
00:47:08oh,
00:47:10oh,
00:47:12oh,
00:47:14oh,
00:47:16oh,
00:47:18oh,
00:47:20oh,
00:47:22oh,
00:47:24oh,
00:47:27oh,
00:47:45London,
00:47:47this is London,
00:47:49London,
00:47:51London town.
00:47:53This is London,
00:47:55London town.
00:47:57London town.
00:47:59City of gaiety,
00:48:03city of theatres,
00:48:06city of parties,
00:48:09all for you and me.
00:48:14All for you
00:48:18and me.
00:48:21What a grand hotel.
00:48:23Yes.
00:48:37Yes, sir?
00:48:39Yes.
00:48:41Have you a couple of rooms
00:48:43for self and
00:48:45young lady?
00:48:47Oh, I most certainly do, sir.
00:48:49Yes.
00:48:51I have a couple of beauties
00:48:53on the first floor.
00:48:55Number nine
00:48:57and number ten.
00:48:59That's right.
00:49:01Quite.
00:49:19Room number nine, sir.
00:49:25What a
00:49:27lovely, large
00:49:29downy bed.
00:49:31Yes.
00:49:33Isn't it
00:49:35absolutely
00:49:37huge, Bernard?
00:49:39Very.
00:49:42Number ten, sir.
00:49:46Very convenient, sir.
00:49:48Convenient?
00:49:50For number nine, sir.
00:49:56Yes.
00:49:58Which would you care for, Bernard?
00:50:02Choice is yours, I think.
00:50:11Choice is yours, Ethel.
00:50:13I am willing to abide by your choice.
00:50:21I shall take number ten.
00:50:25I shall be quite lost
00:50:27in this huge bed, Bernard.
00:50:29Yes.
00:50:31Whatever
00:50:33will I do?
00:50:37Oh, I wish we were married.
00:50:41Sorry?
00:50:43Nothing.
00:50:45What did you say?
00:50:47I was...
00:50:49I was recalling
00:50:51one of the poets.
00:50:53Great events
00:50:55from trivial causes
00:50:57springs.
00:50:59How lovely.
00:51:03Stupid!
00:51:05Stupid!
00:51:07Stupid!
00:51:09Stupid!
00:51:35Come along. Come along.
00:51:39You can come in
00:51:41now, Bernard.
00:51:47How do I look?
00:51:53Oh, Ethel.
00:51:55And
00:51:57raise the hand
00:51:59and doff the hat
00:52:01and smile and place and dance.
00:52:03And raise the hand
00:52:05and doff the hat
00:52:08and smile and place and dance.
00:52:10And raise the hand
00:52:12and doff the hat
00:52:24and smile and place and dance.
00:52:26Would you like to hang yourself with it,
00:52:28Mr Saltiner?
00:52:30And raise the hand
00:52:32and doff the hat
00:52:34Tiny spoon on the right for the hors d'oeuvres.
00:52:49Tiny spoon on the right for the hors d'oeuvres.
00:52:59Medium spoon on the left is the marrow spoon.
00:53:03Medium spoon on the left is the marrow spoon.
00:53:07Marrow spoon!
00:53:08Marrow spoon!
00:53:09Where is it?
00:53:10The left, right.
00:53:11Is it on the right or is it on the left?
00:53:12It's on the right, left.
00:53:13What sort of size is it?
00:53:14Medium spoon.
00:53:21Tiny spoon on the right is what?
00:53:25Marrow spoon.
00:53:27Hors d'oeuvre.
00:53:28Hors d'oeuvre.
00:53:30Medium spoon on the left.
00:53:33Marrow spoon, Mr Saltina.
00:53:37Well done.
00:53:39Good boy.
00:53:56No, Mr Saltina, not my man to the butler.
00:53:58Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:53:59My man to the under butler.
00:54:01Come here, my man.
00:54:03Come here, my man.
00:54:04Come on, Dick.
00:54:05Come here, my man.
00:54:06Oh, come on, Dick.
00:54:07Come here, my man.
00:54:08Come here, my man.
00:54:09Come here, my man.
00:54:10Come here, my man.
00:54:11Come here, my man.
00:54:12Come here, my man.
00:54:13Come here, my man.
00:54:14Come on, the medium.
00:54:15Come on, the medium.
00:54:18Come here!
00:54:21Raise the hand and drop the hand.
00:54:23Smile, place hand down.
00:54:25Come here, my man.
00:54:28Come here, my man.
00:54:33Wake up!
00:54:45Come along, come along.
00:54:49His lordship is to go to a levee this morning.
00:54:51Wishes you to accompany him.
00:54:52A what?
00:54:53A levee.
00:54:54They should really be plush knickerbockers.
00:54:57We'll have to make do.
00:54:58Put them on, put them on.
00:55:00What's a levee?
00:55:01A levee is a party given by the Prince of Wales
00:55:06for very superior people.
00:55:08The Prince of Wales?
00:55:09It'll be at Buckingham Palace.
00:55:10Buckingham?
00:55:11At 11 sharp.
00:55:12Tie.
00:55:14His lordship has generously loaned you
00:55:17a pair of his own white silk stockings,
00:55:21and a pair of his finest garments.
00:55:25Trousers.
00:55:30Stand.
00:55:33Scissors.
00:55:35Silver paper.
00:55:45Pin.
00:55:47Hat.
00:55:48Quickly.
00:56:00Is it a fancy dress party?
00:56:02No, no, it's what they always wear.
00:56:05Wait till you see his lordship.
00:56:08The Honourable Earl of Clinton.
00:56:17And Lord Hissop.
00:56:23I've never seen so many domestics.
00:56:27How are we recognizing your lordship?
00:56:29He will be sitting on his throne
00:56:32wearing the lovely ermine cloak
00:56:35and small but costly crown.
00:56:40Here.
00:56:45Jelly and ice cream, sir.
00:56:50Ah.
00:56:52There.
00:56:55Do you mind?
00:56:58Sorry.
00:56:59Excuse me.
00:57:00Excuse me.
00:57:01Excuse me.
00:57:02Excuse me.
00:57:03Sorry.
00:57:05Good morning, Prime Minister.
00:57:06Good morning, Admiral.
00:57:10Hello, Clinton.
00:57:11Hello, Your Highness.
00:57:14Bit of a squash, eh?
00:57:17May I introduce my friend, Lord Hissop?
00:57:21Hissops.
00:57:22How are you, Hissops?
00:57:30And how is the dear Queen?
00:57:33Not up to much, I'm afraid.
00:57:35Or also.
00:57:38Anyway, how about a glass in private?
00:57:53Hunger is weary of court life.
00:57:55Yes, indeed, Your Highness.
00:57:57Ah, yes.
00:58:00Strawberry vanilla or chocolate?
00:58:02Strawberry, Your Highness.
00:58:03Chocolate, please.
00:58:05The usual for me, Twining.
00:58:11Being royal has many drawbacks.
00:58:15True.
00:58:17True, indeed.
00:58:21What did you say, Hissops?
00:58:25Most true, indeed.
00:58:29My loyal royal liege.
00:58:32Who did you say you were?
00:58:35Lord Hissops, Your Highness.
00:58:37Hissops.
00:58:39Hissops.
00:58:44Why are you turning purple, Hissops?
00:58:49Your Highness, I must confess.
00:58:56I'm not Lord Hissops.
00:58:58I'm Alfred Sultina, Your Highness.
00:59:01Sultina.
00:59:03Then why did you palm yourself off on my menials as Lord Hissops?
00:59:09His mother was a Hissops, Your Highness.
00:59:14And his father?
00:59:15We've got a humble butcher, Your Highness.
00:59:18Butcher?
00:59:19And what do you pray?
00:59:21Ironmonger, Your Highness.
00:59:23An ironmonger.
00:59:26Clinton.
00:59:27Your Highness.
00:59:29Kindly explain.
00:59:30Certainly, Your Highness.
00:59:39The gentleman before you is most desirous of gaining a place on the right side of the blanket, so to speak.
00:59:49I see.
00:59:50So I've been rubbing him up in society ways.
00:59:55It's very good of you.
00:59:58Favour for a friend.
01:00:00How's he doing?
01:00:02Thing is, we was wondering if you knew of any jobs going at the palace, Your Highness.
01:00:10Job at the palace, eh?
01:00:13Anything take your fancy, Sultina?
01:00:16I did suggest if there was a vacancy going, he might try...
01:00:24Cantering after the Royal Borussia?
01:00:27Cantering after the Royal Borussia.
01:00:32You can handle a mount.
01:00:34Rides like the wind, don't you?
01:00:40Spend it.
01:00:43I'll speak to the Prime Minister about it.
01:00:46A thousand, Tom.
01:00:48Thanks, Your Highness.
01:00:50Indeed, yes.
01:00:52Ten thousand thousand thank yous, my regal eagle beagle.
01:00:57I hope we've not offended your royal dignity, Your Highness.
01:01:00No, no, not at all.
01:01:02A laudable notion.
01:01:11Tell you what, Sultina.
01:01:14Why don't you stay, Lord Hissomsey?
01:01:17Sorry?
01:01:18Would you like that?
01:01:21So Lord Hissomsey it is, then.
01:01:23Jolly good.
01:01:25Well, I must get along.
01:01:26I've booked a waltz with the Archduchess of Greenwich.
01:01:30Off I pop.
01:01:39Look, Lord Hissomsey.
01:01:42Elevated to the peerage in a week.
01:01:46I've never heard of such a thing.
01:01:48This is a triumph, Sultina.
01:01:50Do you hear me?
01:01:51A triumph.
01:01:53So, look here.
01:01:55Do you know what we're going to do?
01:01:57We're going to have a party.
01:02:00A jolly big party to celebrate.
01:02:03What do you think of that, eh?
01:02:04Party.
01:02:05Ask everybody.
01:02:07Yes.
01:02:08Ask Bernard.
01:02:09Bernard, yes.
01:02:10Jolly good.
01:02:11Ask Ethel.
01:02:12Ethel, splendid.
01:02:13Who's Ethel?
01:02:14My intended.
01:02:15Ethel, that sounds like a bit of a filly.
01:02:17Let's ask Ethel.
01:02:18I could propose to her at the party.
01:02:20You jolly well could, Albert.
01:02:22Splendid idea.
01:02:23Propose to her at the party.
01:02:46I don't think we've met.
01:02:48I beg your pardon?
01:02:49I am Lady Gay Finchling.
01:02:51My husband was some general or other,
01:02:53but he's been dead for a few years.
01:02:56Care to mingle in a set of lances?
01:02:58Unfortunately, I'm not as nimble as I was
01:03:01when my daughters are a trifle...
01:03:32Dancing in gaiety is all very well,
01:03:35but I will never be happy till I have made her mine.
01:03:39Every night we are alone,
01:03:40I see every man's gaze falling upon her.
01:03:45I must propose to her today before I lose her to another.
01:03:50Wake up, Bernard.
01:03:52Wake up.
01:03:54We have an invitation.
01:03:57We have an invitation.
01:04:00The Honorary Earl of Clincham
01:04:03cordially invites Lord Bernard Clark and Miss Ethel Montague,
01:04:07that's me,
01:04:09to a private function in his compartments
01:04:12at the Crystal Palace, 21st July, 1898, 8 sharp.
01:04:20That's tonight, Bernard.
01:04:22Tonight.
01:04:23We got it just in time.
01:04:25The Earl of Clincham, Bernard.
01:04:28And there'll be loads of other dukes and earls there, won't there, Bernard?
01:04:32Loads of people.
01:04:33There will be, yes, yes.
01:04:36The thing is, we don't know who's going to be there.
01:04:40I shall return, Ethel.
01:04:44I mean, there could be anyone there.
01:04:46But perhaps, perhaps another time.
01:04:50A private function, Bernard.
01:04:54I've never been to a private function.
01:04:57Actually, I was thinking we might spend the day in the country.
01:05:01Country?
01:05:03Yes, yes.
01:05:05I could row you on the river at Windsor
01:05:08and you could wear that lovely white frock that I bought for you.
01:05:11And we could lunch on a mossy bank
01:05:15and surround ourselves with the twittering of the birds
01:05:18and the smell of the cows.
01:05:20That would be lovely, Bernard.
01:05:22I would love to row on the river in the new white frock you bought for me,
01:05:27but couldn't we do the Earl of Clincham's function
01:05:32after the river and the smelly cows and...
01:05:36There's plenty of other earls.
01:05:38But I want to meet this Earl, Bernard.
01:05:42I want to meet the Earl of Clinchcoom.
01:05:46I want to go to his function.
01:05:51We won't have any time.
01:05:53There's no time. We're going to have to get back from Windsor.
01:05:56We'll have to change...
01:05:57I don't want to go to Windsor now.
01:05:59What?
01:06:00I don't want to go to Windsor now.
01:06:03I don't want to go anywhere now.
01:06:11What's the matter, Ethel?
01:06:13I'm very unhappy suddenly.
01:06:17Oh, please don't be unhappy, Ethel.
01:06:19You will. I am.
01:06:22I never wish for you to be unhappy, Ethel.
01:06:25Don't you?
01:06:27Never.
01:06:29Ever?
01:06:30Ever.
01:06:31Then why can't we do the cows, then, the function?
01:06:37We can.
01:06:39Pardon?
01:06:40We can.
01:06:41We can?
01:06:42Of course.
01:06:43Yes!
01:06:45Don't worry. I shall soon be ready.
01:06:48I had my bath last night, so I don't need to wash much now.
01:07:04How lovely you look, Ethel.
01:07:06Why, thank you, kind sir.
01:07:09Do you like my dainty rouge?
01:07:13Very much, yes.
01:07:18Would you care to have some lunch now, Ethel?
01:07:21Oh, no, not yet, Bernard.
01:07:23I so enjoy you worrying me about.
01:07:28Good.
01:07:31Do you mind waiting for your lunch, Bernard?
01:07:33No, no. Of course not.
01:07:37Sing to me, Bernard.
01:07:42Well, I only know one song.
01:07:44Then sing it to me.
01:07:51Even though I be unworthy
01:07:55Even though I...
01:07:56Goodness, I'm starving, Bernard. Let's have our picnic now.
01:07:59Let's have it over...
01:08:03There.
01:08:27Would you care for any further refreshment, Ethel?
01:08:30Oh, no, pray thank you.
01:08:32I'm absolutely stuffed.
01:08:35In that case, let us bask beneath the spreading trees.
01:08:39All right.
01:08:42I think I may just close my eyes a while.
01:09:00Oh, Ethel.
01:09:01What?
01:09:02Nothing.
01:09:03Who was that?
01:09:04It was me.
01:09:05What were you doing?
01:09:06I just expostulated.
01:09:07I beg your pardon?
01:09:09Ethel.
01:09:10What?
01:09:11My passion for you is intense.
01:09:14It has grown night and day since first I beheld you.
01:09:17Oh, Bernard.
01:09:19This is so sudden.
01:09:21No, no, I must...
01:09:23I must go.
01:09:25I must go.
01:09:27Oh, Bernard.
01:09:28This is so sudden.
01:09:29No, no, I must...
01:09:31grasp the bull by the horns.
01:09:33When?
01:09:34Now.
01:09:43Oh, Ethel.
01:09:44Say you will marry me.
01:09:46You must marry me, Ethel.
01:09:47Marry you?
01:09:48If you say no, I shall...
01:09:50by force dash my body to the brink of yon muddy river.
01:09:53Don't do that, Bernard. I implore you.
01:09:56Say you love me also, Ethel.
01:09:58I do love you also, Bernard.
01:10:01I love you madly.
01:10:04I love you with passion.
01:10:07You are to me like a heathen god...
01:10:11with your manly form and handsome, flashing face.
01:10:16Am I?
01:10:17Yes, Bernard.
01:10:19Then marry me, Ethel.
01:10:20I will indeed marry you, Bernard.
01:10:22You will?
01:10:23I will.
01:10:26My bride-to-be.
01:10:28My bride-to-be.
01:10:29Oh, Bernard, Bernard.
01:10:31Never did I think to hear those misfit words.
01:10:34Oh.
01:10:36Ethel?
01:10:39Ethel.
01:10:40Ethel.
01:10:42Wait.
01:10:43I will fetch a cup of yon fragrant river...
01:10:46to pour on my true love's pallid brow.
01:10:56Oh.
01:11:00You've fainted, my darling.
01:11:04Take me back to the gaiety hotel.
01:11:07With pleasure, my darling.
01:11:09I will first pack up the vianzerai and loose the boat.
01:11:13And then, Bernard...
01:11:14Yes, my darling?
01:11:16...to the earl of Clinchcombe's function.
01:11:19All right.
01:11:20I thought, given the circumstances, we might celebrate alone.
01:11:24Bernard.
01:11:25To the earl of Clinchcombe's function.
01:11:27Where we shall announce our engagement.
01:11:29Yes.
01:11:30In front of all the dukes and ladies.
01:11:34Yes.
01:11:36Yes.
01:11:50Not a stud, please, Bessie.
01:11:52Not a stud, sir.
01:11:53Not a stud, yes, please.
01:11:55Sir, not a stud.
01:12:05Sorry.
01:12:13Cuckoo, cuckoo.
01:12:14Cuckoo, cuckoo.
01:12:15Cuckoo, cuckoo.
01:12:16Cuckoo, cuckoo.
01:12:18Cuckoo, cuckoo, sits on an old gum tree.
01:12:21Merry little king of the Tushese.
01:12:24Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.
01:12:25And you don't know it's a paw.
01:12:27And it's, it's, it's, poof.
01:12:29And it's over.
01:12:30And then you have a party.
01:12:35Your young visitors have arrived, my lord.
01:12:38Bernard!
01:12:39How splendid!
01:12:41And who, who might this be, pray?
01:12:45May I introduce Miss Montecure.
01:12:48Charmed, absolutely charmed, if I may say so.
01:12:52Please, call me Ethel.
01:13:11Good luck, Elf.
01:13:16Bernard, I'm parched.
01:13:19Might I have a teensy drink?
01:13:21Certainly.
01:13:22That's the spirit.
01:13:24Fetch yourselves a table, Bernard,
01:13:26and I'll, I'll look after little Ethel here.
01:13:28Off you pop up, chap.
01:13:31Lord Chisholm.
01:13:33Will you introduce me to everyone, please?
01:13:36Well, there, there is a, um,
01:13:39a certain, um, gentleman.
01:13:42Well, the very man.
01:13:45Excellent.
01:13:46Miss Montecure,
01:13:48might I introduce you to a gentleman you may recall.
01:13:53Lord Hitham's.
01:13:55Hello, Ethel.
01:13:57Lord Hitham's?
01:14:00A title recently bestowed upon him by His Royal Highness,
01:14:02the Prince of Wales, no less.
01:14:04I said I would return, Ethel.
01:14:06How come all this has to do with Lord Hitham?
01:14:09I said I would return, Ethel.
01:14:11How come all this come about then, Alf?
01:14:13No, no, no, no, this is Lord...
01:14:15I happen to note this is Alfred Saltino from East Dutch.
01:14:18Yeah, well, don't let the cat out of the bag.
01:14:20You seem somewhat flabbergasted, my dear.
01:14:23Yes, Alfred.
01:14:25I happen to meet His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales,
01:14:28whilst stopping for a spell with His Lordship here at Crystal Palace.
01:14:33I have a set of compartments in the basement.
01:14:36Oh.
01:14:37So that's what you've been up to?
01:14:39With good reason, Ethel.
01:14:41Well, I've been stopping at the Gaiety Hotel in Knightsbridge,
01:14:47if you want to know.
01:14:48Gaiety Hotel in Knightsbridge?
01:14:50Yes, so there.
01:14:52So you just gallivanted off from Ricomere Hall,
01:14:54which I kindly invited you to?
01:14:55Yes.
01:14:56And left Paul Bernard all alone in his gloomy pile, no doubt.
01:14:59Oh.
01:15:01Well, I'm glad you've been enjoying yourself.
01:15:04You've been looking somewhat pale of late.
01:15:07No wonder they've been in your stuffy domain.
01:15:13But tell me, Earl, have you any other friends I might meet for a chance?
01:15:18Yes, of course, I'll just...
01:15:21Colonel, how...
01:15:23I don't know what I've done, Ethel.
01:15:24In what way, Alfred?
01:15:25To rouse your ire in this manner.
01:15:27Well, I call it very mysterious,
01:15:29you going off and getting your own title all of a sudden,
01:15:31so I think our friendship had better cease.
01:15:32But, Ethel...
01:15:33There's no doubt you'll soon be wanting to marry a duchess or something.
01:15:36I do not wish to marry a duchess, Ethel.
01:15:38Oh, really?
01:15:39It is you I wish to marry, Ethel, some fine day.
01:15:45This is news to me, Earl.
01:15:47But not to me, Ethel.
01:15:49I may add that I have always loved you,
01:15:52and now I seem to do so madly.
01:15:58But I do not love you, Earl.
01:16:03Beg your pardon?
01:16:04I do not love you, Alf.
01:16:10But I thought that's why you've come to stay.
01:16:12Oh, no!
01:16:16If you married me, you might... get to.
01:16:20What?
01:16:22Love me.
01:16:25Actually, no, Alf.
01:16:28I'm sorry.
01:16:33Still, thanks for asking.
01:16:35This is agony, Ethel.
01:16:37My life would be sour grapes and ashes without you.
01:16:41Alfred!
01:16:42One day you will rue your wicked words, Ethel.
01:16:44Be a man, please!
01:16:46Oh!
01:16:47Alfred!
01:16:48I'm not Alfred!
01:16:49I'm Lord Hissop's now, and I only done it for you, Ethel.
01:16:53I shall always think of you in a warm manner, Alfred.
01:16:59Half a loaf is better than no bread, I suppose.
01:17:02Yes.
01:17:04Anyway, nice to see you, Alf.
01:17:07At least you're not engaged to another.
01:17:12That would be agony beyond imagining.
01:17:16Yes.
01:17:18Oh!
01:17:19Look who I've found.
01:17:21This must be Ethel.
01:17:23You're absolutely right.
01:17:25She's utterly charming.
01:17:27I am Lady Gay Finchling, my dear.
01:17:31My husband was in India or somewhere,
01:17:33but he's been dead a few years.
01:17:35Lord Hissop's?
01:17:36What are you doing down there?
01:17:38For a moment I thought you were proposing,
01:17:40but that would never do.
01:17:42Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:17:44Because, my dear, look who I've just been introduced to.
01:17:48Lord Clark, your fiancée.
01:17:58Hello, Alf, old boy.
01:18:01Fiancée.
01:18:02That's right, yes.
01:18:04And what an enchanting creature she is, young man.
01:18:07Yes.
01:18:11Sorry, I never wrote.
01:18:13No.
01:18:14A bit complicated.
01:18:16Yes.
01:18:18Still, jolly good do, Clincham.
01:18:21Not at all, old boy.
01:18:23Most rechauffe, I'd call it, do you, Ethel?
01:18:27Most.
01:18:31Anyway, care to poker, Ethel?
01:18:34Right-o.
01:18:35Jolly good.
01:18:37Shall we?
01:18:38Why not?
01:18:42Lord Hissop's?
01:18:44Don't think she'll thank you.
01:18:46Lady Gay Finchling?
01:18:49Why, thank you.
01:19:54If there is any here present
01:19:58who knows cause or just...
01:20:02Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:04...impediment why these two persons
01:20:08should not be...
01:20:10Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:12Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:14Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:16Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:18Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:20..these two persons should not be...
01:20:23Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:25..joyfully loyal, lawfully joined
01:20:29in holy matrimony.
01:20:31Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:33Ye are to declare it.
01:20:41Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:44So do you, Ethel Mabel Montague...
01:20:49Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:20:51..take Lord Bernard Clark
01:20:55as your just and lawful wedded husband?
01:20:59Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:01I do.
01:21:03And do you, Lord Bernard Clark,
01:21:07take Ethel Mabel Montague...
01:21:10Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:12..as your just, awful wedded wife?
01:21:16Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:18I do.
01:21:20Then those whom God hath joined together
01:21:24let no man put asunder.
01:21:28Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:30Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:32Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:34Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:36Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:38Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:40Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:42Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:44Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:46Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:48Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:50Ha! Ha! Ha!
01:21:52And so, after their joyous marriage,
01:21:54Bernard and Ethel went on their honeymoon,
01:21:57where they mated very well
01:21:59and returned with a son and hair,
01:22:01a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard,
01:22:04and six more children,
01:22:06four boys and three girls,
01:22:08some of which were twins.
01:22:10And Bernard loved Ethel to the bitter end,
01:22:13even though she grew rather a bulgy figure.
01:22:17Bernard, stand up straight.
01:22:23Ignatius, stop fiddling!
01:22:29And they were happy for nearly all of their days
01:22:32and had a big house and many parties and balls.
01:22:39And Mr Saltina?
01:22:52Well, Mr Saltina, at long last,
01:22:55and by the aid of the Earl
01:22:57and the kindness of the Prince of Wales...
01:23:00Arise, Lord Hissops.
01:23:02I hereby pronounce you
01:23:05I hereby pronounce you
01:23:07attendant on the royal vehicle.
01:23:13..was given the job his soul craved.
01:23:31And so Alfred proudly served Her Highness
01:23:34on his sultry steed
01:23:36come all weathers, rain or shine.
01:23:39And then, one day...
01:23:41Jolly good, Alf.
01:23:43And, um, hope you're happy here.
01:23:46Um, and, um, must way.
01:23:49What? Um...
01:23:51Goodbye, old chap.
01:23:55Goodbye, my dear Alf.
01:23:58The Earl of Clinchham suddenly got married to Lady Yeo Finchley
01:24:02and they went to live in her large seat in Northumberland.
01:24:06Bye!
01:24:12And the Earl let Alfred have all of his compartments
01:24:16for old time's sake
01:24:18and one or two small pieces of furniture that he wouldn't need.
01:24:25The days and the months marched by
01:24:28and despite his exotic lifestyle and royal circles
01:24:32Mr Sultina grew more and more lonely.
01:24:39Then, at last,
01:24:41Alfred decided he could not bear the single life anymore.
01:24:58HUMMING
01:25:29Um...
01:25:31My legs...
01:25:33have become somewhat unable to ride the horses.
01:25:38So I have received a royal dispensation
01:25:41from Her Majesty
01:25:43to return to my familiar home in East Dulwich.
01:25:49East Dulwich?
01:25:54Very good, sir.
01:25:56So I was wondering,
01:25:58failing all else,
01:26:00and if it's not too much trouble,
01:26:03if you would consider doing me the honour
01:26:07of giving me a ride to East Dulwich.
01:26:11Thank you, Your Majesty.
01:26:13If you would consider doing me the honour
01:26:17of conjoining with me...
01:26:21there too.
01:26:39And Alfred stayed with Bessie for always
01:26:42and he was happy,
01:26:44except when his house was noisy with babies
01:26:47and he took to dreaming of Ethel Montague
01:26:50and wishing he could have married her
01:26:52even though she never loved him,
01:26:54not even for a second.
01:26:57HUMMING
01:27:08But then, if it hadn't been for Ethel coming to visit
01:27:12all those years ago,
01:27:14none of these high adventures which I have described
01:27:17would have ever happened.
01:27:22And he'd never have met Bessie Top,
01:27:25who really did love him,
01:27:27if only he knew.
01:27:29CHOIR SINGS
01:27:55CHOIR SINGS
01:28:25The end. By Daisy Ashford.
01:28:28Age nine.
01:28:55THE END
01:29:25© transcript Emily Beynon