Have I Got a Bit More News for You S68 E02
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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Good evening.
00:40Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:42I'm Amol Raj and in the news this week,
00:44Keir Starmer tries to explain to anyone who will listen,
00:47although it technically is Lord Ali's car,
00:49he is allowed exclusive use of it on weekdays.
00:52LAUGHTER
01:00In Weybridge, Eamon Holmes' new girlfriend regrets
01:03trying to use his custom-made bidet.
01:06LAUGHTER
01:12And in Kingston-upon-Thames,
01:14Ed Davey arrives at the funeral of a much-loved constituent.
01:19LAUGHTER
01:26He's wearing black, it's respectful.
01:29On Ian's team tonight, a former Conservative MP and Brexiteer
01:33who is a member of the organisation Leave Means Leave,
01:36which is exactly what her constituents told her
01:39at the last election.
01:41Please welcome Dame Andrea Jenkins.
01:43APPLAUSE
01:48And on Paul's team tonight is an actor and comedian
01:51whose latest show was called On I Bang,
01:53which was, coincidentally, the working title for Boris Johnson's memoir.
01:57Please welcome Miles Jupp.
01:59APPLAUSE
02:04We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:07Ian and Andrea, take a look at this.
02:10Right, that's Keir Starmer, isn't it?
02:12That's Sue Gray, she's gone.
02:14Ah, this is it, 100 days Keir Starmer's been Prime Minister,
02:18which is two and a half Liz trusses.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22How would you rate Starmer's first 100 days, Ian? A success?
02:26Well, he's still Prime Minister.
02:28Yeah. And in recent terms, that's pretty good going.
02:31Yeah.
02:32What might have hastened Sue Gray's departure?
02:35Free passes at Number 10?
02:37Was she caught snorting coke off a lilo?
02:40No.
02:41I don't think she was, just for the benefit of the lawyer
02:44that's listening.
02:45I don't think it's true at all.
02:47According to The Times, Gray showed...
02:50..dealing with the press and shocked colleagues
02:52by referring to scumbag journalists.
02:54Good to see Private Eye's still being read in Number 10.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:58Why might Sue Gray not be too upset to be going?
03:02She's been given another job.
03:04Mmm, not necessarily.
03:06She has, though.
03:07Was that a plane landing, then? What was that?
03:10Well, one unnamed Tory told the Daily Mail...
03:14It feels as if she's fleeing a sinking ship.
03:17Another accusation from Sue Gray's allies was that Number 10
03:20was too much like a boys' club.
03:22Were the Tories ever a boys' club?
03:24No, I don't think so.
03:25No, Boris and Co, no.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28Some of them really loved women, didn't they?
03:31LAUGHTER
03:34Andrea, were you surprised by how many of your colleagues
03:37jumped before they were pushed at the last election?
03:40Um, no. No, I wasn't, really.
03:42At least you stuck around to face the music and you lost your seat.
03:45No, I mean, I believe in going down with the sinking ship, so...
03:48Really? Absolutely.
03:49And you know you took your seat off Ed Balls?
03:51That means you're responsible for this.
03:54LAUGHTER
04:00If that had happened in a public park, he would have been arrested.
04:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
04:06Thank you very much.
04:08Maybe he's rehearsing for a Taylor Swift concert,
04:10cos his wife got some tickets, didn't she?
04:12Oh, she did indeed. Yeah.
04:14That is exactly right. According to The Sun,
04:16Sadiq Khan and Yvette Cooper put pressure on the Met Police
04:19to boost security for Taylor Swift at her London concert,
04:22which was attended by Sadiq Khan and Yvette Cooper.
04:25Yeah.
04:26Both have denied there is any link between the two things,
04:29which means that there was.
04:31Did you get free tickets, though, Ian?
04:33Um, I didn't get free tickets, no.
04:36Did you have to pay for yours, Ian?
04:39I was up all night online. It's a hell of a business.
04:42Yeah, yeah. So, worth it to get down the mosh pit?
04:44Yeah, exactly.
04:46Is there a mosh pit?
04:48I'm out of my depth as well.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52What big change did Rachel Reeves make?
04:55She's turned ginger.
04:57I'm not sure it's ginger.
04:59Sort of auburn, I'd say.
05:01It's autumnal. It's autumnal.
05:03I think she's reflecting a change of the seasons.
05:06Will it go white for Christmas and then sort of...
05:10..daffodil yellow in spring? Yeah.
05:12Yeah, I think that's nice.
05:14What's she going to do for Mikkelbos?
05:17That's the question on everybody's lips.
05:21What has Rachel Reeves stepped back from?
05:23Zumba. No.
05:25You're more into the fiscal terms.
05:27Pensions. Yes.
05:29She's either for or against it, but...
05:32..but strongly.
05:35But almost.
05:37She's decided not to raise tax on pension contributions
05:40in the upcoming Budget of Doom, but she did warn...
05:46So, she's planning a whip round, if you're interested.
05:49Erm, good and bad news for Labour this week.
05:51Other good news, but other bad news for them?
05:53Anything that's gone well, anything that's gone particularly badly
05:56that you can think of? Not much gone well.
05:58Well, I can tell you, they are actually still ahead
06:01of the Tories in the polls.
06:03What, four years away from a general election?
06:06Amol, you're on fire tonight!
06:08I know, I know.
06:09Well, my political analysis is why they brought me in.
06:12Shall we have a look at the latest Keir Starmer popularity charts?
06:15Mm. Here we go. Check this out.
06:28Hi.
06:29OK.
06:43I mean, there's a lot of red on that chart, isn't there?
06:46Bit tough on Rishi Sunak. At least he...he went.
06:50What else has the government washed its hands of this week?
06:54The Chagos Islands. Yes. Why do they do that, Ian?
06:57Well, because over the last 30 years,
06:59the Chagos Islanders have been campaigning to be returned
07:02to their country, which Britain threw them off
07:04in terms of making a military base.
07:06But it's a final deal that's been done between us and Rishis,
07:10and it's finally happened.
07:12I mean, I was there, actually, at the protest this morning.
07:15Were you? Yes, with the Chagosians.
07:17And what was your view?
07:19It was the previous Labour government,
07:21which worked with the US, wasn't it, to remove them from the islands?
07:25And they said, Starmer, you're a human rights lawyer
07:27and you've done it again.
07:29You know, we just want to get you out.
07:31What, you've done the right thing? No.
07:33Because the Tories tried to blame this on Starmer,
07:35and then he pointed out that the person who'd set the process going
07:39this time was James Cleverley.
07:41But it's out of the contest, maybe, that's why.
07:43Yeah, but Cleverley then said, no, it wasn't me, it was Liz Truss.
07:47Because she was Foreign Secretary,
07:49you can't believe any of this, can you?
07:51And Liz Truss's supporters said, it wasn't Liz, it was Boris,
07:54because, God, he was Foreign Secretary!
07:59I mean, you wonder why this country gets in a bit of a mess.
08:04What would you have done with the islands, then?
08:06Me? I'd have given them back to them early on.
08:08If you read early Private Eyes, we did take up this cause.
08:18Did you release a charity single?
08:24We did. It was called Chagos and Dave.
08:31Yes.
08:32You're quite right to say someone else is not happy
08:34about the decision this week.
08:36That was James Cleverley.
08:37Not been a great week for James Cleverley.
08:39What has he lost?
08:41He came third in a two-horse race.
08:48That's exactly right.
08:49Pip Acrera in The Guardian reports that Cleverley was so confident
08:52about getting into the final, he tried to give some of his votes
08:55to Robert Jenrick to help knock out Kemi Badenoch,
08:57but it backfired when his team got the maths wrong.
09:00So, in the end, some MPs who should have voted Cleverley
09:02voted stupidly.
09:06But it comes after this quite extraordinary rallying cry.
09:09Do you remember this from last week?
09:10Let's be more normal.
09:14To which the Tory party said, no, thanks.
09:17So, we are down now to Robert Jenrick and Kemi Badenoch.
09:20Let's ask someone who really, really understands the Tory party.
09:24Paul, who's your money on?
09:28Do you know what I imagined you just said to me?
09:31Is the answer Newport Pagnol?
09:38What was the point of asking me that?
09:40Have you not seen this show over the last 35 years?
09:44I'm waiting for the story that comes up with the monkey
09:46playing the harmonium.
09:48That's when I come alive.
09:51All this stuff, you're wasting your time with this.
09:53I don't know, what's the first ten minutes of this show?
09:56I'll turn the sound down and play Boney M.
10:01Which one? Is it Rah-Rah Rasputin?
10:04Bit too political for me, that one here.
10:14What do you think happened?
10:16I mean, I think, seriously, he got lent votes
10:20and they wanted Bobby J, Kemi to be in the final anyway.
10:23Would you have voted for either of them,
10:25had you still been able to have a vote, which you can't?
10:28I'm actually not backing any of them.
10:31Really? I mean, you're on the right of the party.
10:33You must be thrilled, mustn't you?
10:35Yeah, but... Good, that's all I need.
10:38No, but they were...
10:40If you look at the voting record, they're more one-nation-y to me anyway.
10:44What, those two? God, you are right wing, aren't you?
10:47One Tory MP told The Times...
10:55..adding that...
11:01He was actually at Boris' book launch the night before, as I was.
11:04Who was, Grant Shapps? No, Cleverley, yeah.
11:06He was at Boris' book launch rather than being on the phone to MPs.
11:09What was wrong for him, do you think?
11:11Well, loads of MPs was there at the book launch, you see.
11:14Ah, and they just miscalculated.
11:16Did it go well, the book launch?
11:18Oh, it was amazing. It was on fire, Boris, yeah.
11:20Were you there? Blimey.
11:22I was getting my book signed, yeah.
11:24You were getting your book signed. What did he write?
11:26This is fiction.
11:30No, I'm just guessing.
11:34Ian, you're in there, you should be getting royalties.
11:37When I'm in the book, he accuses me of being a liar,
11:39which is pretty funny.
11:42I have to disagree there.
11:44So, you think I am a liar? Go on.
11:46No, I think you're lovely. Do you know, behind...
11:48A lovely liar? No.
11:50Do you know, backstage is a different person. Yeah.
11:53Yeah, he was very supportive.
11:55No, that is libelous.
12:00Shall we have a look at him talking about his book
12:02with a useful sort of promotional thing?
12:04Let's talk about it, let's do it. See what you think about it.
12:06You have no editorial input on this show.
12:09This is Mr Johnson talking to Radio 5 Live's Matt Chorley.
12:14Oh, yeah. Lots of people think you're a liar.
12:17Are you a liar? I don't know.
12:19And I think that, you know, whether it's the...
12:26..the bus, which, in fact, was the bus of truth...
12:30This is the 350,000... 350 million.
12:32Yes, 350 million. You admit in your book that that was wrong.
12:35No, I don't, I don't.
12:36I say that it was, in fact, an underestimate,
12:38because it was going to probably rise to...
12:40Mate, aren't you saying in the book that the real figure...
12:43I know, I know, it's much lower. No, sorry,
12:45I'm not going to have all this rubbish.
12:47I've read your book.
12:48Well, then reflect, reflect...
12:50You say it was more like 170 million.
12:52Reflect properly. No.
12:56He is extraordinary.
12:57You can literally just quote him what he's just said,
13:00and he says, no, I didn't say that.
13:02He's also been critical of Labour's donor issues,
13:05but how did he defend his own spending as Prime Minister?
13:08I spaffed it all up the wall and I'm proud of it.
13:11Not nearly.
13:13So, he was defending his £200,000 refurbishment
13:17of the Number 10 flat, and Boris Johnson said
13:20Downing Street was...
13:24Shall we have a look at the crack in question?
13:32He did say the only thing he regretted was apologising
13:36over his behaviour in Covid.
13:38So, when he said, I'm sorry, according to him, he was lying.
13:43That's it, that's the top headline in the book.
13:46I lied when I apologised for my behaviour during Covid.
13:49I shouldn't have apologised.
13:51No matter how many committees, no matter how much evidence,
13:54I should have just lied again.
13:56Have you read the book?
13:58Don't worry, he hasn't either.
14:01I've read one chapter, actually, that's it.
14:05Finally, for a Boris bonus point,
14:07I'm going to show you him responding to a question,
14:10and what I want you to do is to guess the question that he was asked
14:13that elicited this answer.
14:15OK.
14:21Can you remember the occasion when your third child was conceived?
14:30Is, in fact, the correct answer.
14:32No.
14:34Let's have a look at the question. This is from ITV's Tom Bradby.
14:37Who would you like to see as leader of the Tory party?
14:43Which name is he trying to say there?
14:46He'll come back, won't he?
14:48I don't think it's over for him, no.
14:50You don't think it's over?
14:52I still think Boris was one of our better Prime Ministers.
14:56I see you've selected the audience.
15:00The people who don't like Boris are all Conservatives.
15:03You can't just say you've selected the audience.
15:06You've got no evidence for that, no proof.
15:08It's just bollocks. This isn't GB News.
15:16Hang on, isn't this GB News? I thought I was on...
15:22Went to the wrong place altogether.
15:24Anyway, right, it has been another week...
15:26No, don't go.
15:28Sorry, that was a bit late, wasn't it?
15:31Yes, this is Labour's first 100 days in power.
15:42That's pretty good, because he can give back
15:44all those glasses that he got for free.
15:51I'm not saying that most of us hadn't heard of them,
15:54but when Keir Starmer was asked about the future of Diego Garcia,
15:57he did say he thought Arsenal could build a whole team around him.
16:01Also this week, voting took place in the Tory leadership race.
16:05According to The Times, ahead of the vote,
16:07front-runner James cleverly wore his lucky red socks.
16:12And they really work, because now he doesn't have to be Tory leader.
16:16Paul and Miles have a look at this.
16:19There it is. The great puppet.
16:21Yes, there's the great puppet.
16:23Donald T. Rump.
16:24There is Kamala Harris.
16:26Oh.
16:27Elon Musk.
16:28Why is it the richest people in the world are also the weirdest?
16:31There's the puppet master. Yes.
16:33Bob Woodward's got a new book out,
16:35one of the original Watergate journalists,
16:37and it says that apparently Donald Trump sent Putin
16:41something called a Covid machine.
16:43I'm not sure what a Covid machine is.
16:45Oh, it's that great machine they had in the lab
16:47that made that virus, do you remember?
16:49Oh, yes.
16:50People were a bit iffy about it.
16:52Scientifically, a real breakthrough.
16:54Yeah, it did what it was designed to do.
16:56Yeah.
16:57Do you remember those Covid tests?
16:59The lateral flow ones? Yeah.
17:01I actually loved them, yeah.
17:04You could get them in different flavours, couldn't you?
17:06Yeah, yeah.
17:07I've stopped using cotton buds altogether.
17:12Well, Trump sent some of these machines to Putin,
17:15and what did Putin allegedly say to Trump about the gift?
17:19He said, don't tell anybody that you've given them to me.
17:22That's quite sweet, isn't it?
17:23He said, I don't want you to tell anyone
17:25because people will get mad at you, not me.
17:27How many times have they spoken since, Trump and Putin?
17:29I'd say seven times.
17:30That's exactly right.
17:31Yeah, that's why I said it.
17:34I would waste your time with hypothetical guesses.
17:38What is Donald Trump's solution to the conflict in the Middle East,
17:41which is teetering currently on the brink
17:43of an all-out war and conflagration?
17:45He'd sort it in a day, wouldn't he?
17:47How would he do that?
17:48He'd ring Netanyahu, who's a friend of his, and say, sort it out.
17:54Sort of, yeah.
17:55He said at a campaign rally recently,
17:57Israel should hit the nuclear first and worry about the rest later.
18:01Donald, what do you mean, later?
18:05This is all ahead of the American election,
18:07which is less than a month away, and Kamala Harris,
18:09the Democrat candidate, has been accused by critics
18:12of not doing interviews in her campaign.
18:15What's she actually been doing?
18:16Interviews.
18:17A lot of interviews.
18:18Yes.
18:19You might recall that she boasted to Oprah
18:21about shooting a home intruder.
18:23Yes.
18:24What sort of gun has Kamala Harris got?
18:27A Glock.
18:28An Uzi.
18:30She strikes me as an Uzi.
18:31Smith and Wesson.
18:32It is a Glock.
18:33How do you know so much about guns?
18:35Listen, I can't talk about my days at five.
18:40So, let's keep this side of the river.
18:42Yeah.
18:43It is indeed.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:50Yeah.
18:51And what special power do the Democrats have,
18:54according to Marjorie Jewish Space Laser's Taylor Greene?
18:58Oh, yeah, they can create hurricanes.
19:00They can manipulate the weather.
19:02Taylor Greene said of the Democrats...
19:06It's ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can't be done.
19:10Now I see it written down.
19:11Yeah.
19:13Legend of authority, isn't it?
19:15Donald Trump must be getting pretty tired
19:17of saying pretty outrageous things himself,
19:19because what has he done to lighten the burden on himself?
19:22Oh, he's brought on Elon Musk.
19:23Donald Trump had another rally at the place
19:25where the guy shot his ear,
19:27and Elon Musk came on as a special guest
19:29and jumped up in the air and behaved very oddly.
19:31He did.
19:32Melania Trump recalled her experience
19:34of the first assassination attempt on her husband.
19:36Do we know what she did?
19:37Reloaded.
19:39So, we're quite familiar with Trump's very unique style of dancing.
19:42You've seen this?
19:43Yes.
19:44Yeah, yeah.
19:45But why might he be in big trouble for doing this
19:48on January 6th, 2021?
19:50MUSIC PLAYS
20:02Well, it's just they're not the moves, are they?
20:04You do the left...
20:05LAUGHTER
20:07Well, this is the attack on the Senate, isn't it?
20:10Yeah, well, according to the Washington Post,
20:12files issued recently by Special Counsel Jack Smith
20:15contend that because Trump entered to the Village People's YMCA,
20:19it proves that it was a campaign rally
20:21and Trump was not acting in his official capacity as President,
20:24otherwise he'd have come in on hail to the Chief.
20:26And therefore, under the terms of the Supreme Court ruling,
20:29he has no immunity from prosecution.
20:31Oh, that's clever.
20:32That's clever.
20:33That's very good.
20:34Yeah.
20:35And was he doing the letters R-I-O-T?
20:41It's fun to stay in a maximum security jail.
20:47According to Mail Online, a Donald Trump rally was paused recently
20:51after a woman fainted.
20:53First responders leapt into action,
20:55restraining Trump from taking advantage of an unconscious female.
20:59Meanwhile, Argentina's President Mille, you know...
21:02Oh, yeah, that's him doing the YMCA.
21:04Yeah.
21:05At least he knows what he's doing.
21:07He's got his arms up.
21:08For heaven's sake.
21:09What's he been up to in America?
21:10Do you know?
21:11Have you been following him closely?
21:12No, I haven't, no.
21:13He's actually been delivering a speech to the UN General Assembly,
21:16for which he plagiarised huge chunks of dialogue from The West Wing.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22Oh, that's a good one.
21:25That's brilliant.
21:26And he then went off to the Wall Street Stock Exchange,
21:29where, um, this is he.
21:31It is just amazing, isn't it,
21:33how one moment can capture a political career.
21:42What's going on in that photo, Angela?
21:44For those who haven't seen it, that's you.
21:46What's going on there?
21:47Well, you know Steve Bray, the big Remainer guy?
21:49Well, Boris was one of them.
21:51You know Steve Bray, the big Remainer guy?
21:53Well, Boris was making his resignation speech,
21:55he was bellowing out there,
21:57and I just thought, you know, you've got what you want now,
22:00and so do you, really.
22:02Did it feel good?
22:03Well, the funny thing is, I don't even really swear,
22:06I don't even use my fingers, so I don't know.
22:08You don't use your fingers?!
22:10How do you play the piano?
22:11I use my thumbs, yeah.
22:12Oh.
22:13It's a northern thing, yeah.
22:14It's a northern thing?!
22:17He couldn't afford fingers when I was growing up.
22:21Two thumbs were good enough for my daddy, good enough for me.
22:26Didn't have a car, you had to hitchhike everywhere you went.
22:29Didn't mind that.
22:36And so to round two.
22:37This is the Globe of News.
22:39Globe of News.
22:40Yeah, fingers on buzzers.
22:41Yeah, OK.
22:42Spin, spin, spin.
22:44Oh, it's turned into a magic effect.
22:48Well, there's a knot hole in that tree for certain.
22:54I've just found out where the screw lies, he's nuts.
22:56This is...
22:59Unbelievably, I know this is about a tree-hugging competition
23:02in Glasgow.
23:03That's exactly right.
23:04Who was crowned the champion tree-hugger?
23:07Roger Oak.
23:09Joe, you're in the works of...
23:11Peter Willow.
23:12Keep going.
23:13George Willow.
23:14No, keep going.
23:15Sally Willow, Roger Willow.
23:16Female.
23:17An English name beginning with H.
23:18Harriet.
23:19Holly Willow.
23:20Holly Willow Bee.
23:21She jumped the queue and won.
23:25You'd better tell us.
23:26It was Hannah Willow.
23:27Hannah Willow.
23:28Let's have a look at Hannah Willow hugging this tree.
23:31And that is as much as we can show at this time of night.
23:35What did Hannah win?
23:37Er, day release.
23:47Is that right?
23:48No.
23:49No?
23:50No.
23:51As a result of her win,
23:53Hannah has now qualified to enter the international competition
23:56next year, held in the Halipu Forest,
23:59just over 100 miles north of the Arctic Circle.
24:02What a treat for her.
24:04Well done, Hannah.
24:06And in other news to do with names,
24:08who's Steve and what's he been up to in Scotland this week?
24:12A bit general, isn't it?
24:13Yeah.
24:15The clue so far is someone called Peter and Scotland.
24:18No, it's Steve.
24:19Steve, oh, Christ.
24:20That's much easier.
24:22Steve is, in fact, a rare purple ribbon-like glow
24:25within the Northern Lights, which was visible in the sky...
24:28Look at that, it's gorgeous.
24:29..which was visible in the skies above Scotland
24:31and northern England this week.
24:33But the question is, why is it called Steve?
24:35Named after the first person that identified it.
24:37Peter.
24:39Steve actually stands for
24:41Strong Thermal Emission Velocity Enhancement.
24:44According to the BBC, Steve is unpredictable
24:47and only lasts for a short time.
24:50As every wife of a Steve will tell you.
24:54What other weather phenomenon did the BBC warn us about this week?
24:57Oh, hurricanes up to 14,000 miles per hour in Great Britain.
25:02There was a glitch on their weather thing and, say,
25:04at one point it was saying that London saw four hurricanes
25:07and it was saying that London, Salford was another place,
25:0914,000 miles per hour wind.
25:12Before that, there was a warning about temperature,
25:14so a glitch on the BBC weather website... Yeah.
25:16..saw temperatures of 404 degrees centigrade in Nottingham.
25:21That's quite warm, isn't it? You need to take your coat off for that.
25:24And then, as you say, Paul,
25:26winds of 14,827 miles per hour in Windsor.
25:31He's got Grant Shapps on the numbers.
25:33Yeah.
25:38The way you said that, you made it sound like a medical complaint,
25:41going to the doctors.
25:42I've got a touch of Grant Shapps.
25:44I've not been able to sit down straight for a fortnight.
25:53This is the first Glasgow tree-hugging tournament,
25:56or, as it will be known by historians,
25:58the only Glasgow tree-hugging tournament.
26:01Meanwhile, the north of England has been treated
26:03to a rare aurora called Steve.
26:05Steve, according to one scientist,
26:07you need to seek out a rural setting or park away from city lights,
26:11bring a reclining chair or blanket,
26:13then relax and wait for Steve.
26:18Which is also the instructions if you wish to go dogging.
26:25I thought I recognised your voice.
26:30I feel like I'm stinking it.
26:33Here we go, here we go, here we go.
26:35Spinning the wheel, there we go, spinning the globe, yep.
26:41BUZZER
26:42Oh, you're confident. Brackley in England.
26:44Yeah, it's been a high-vis hugging competition.
26:47He's called Roger High-Vis.
26:49No, I don't know.
26:50That looks like the word pothole written on his jacket.
26:53Is it the man who just got so fed up
26:55he just started mending potholes himself?
26:58Ah, exactly right, well done.
27:00His name is Mark Morrill, he's a former town mayor.
27:03What's his nickname? Mark the Pothole.
27:05Mr Pothole. Mr Pothole.
27:07He claims he's responsible for getting 10,000 potholes filled in.
27:11Oh, good. Good on him, he pesters the council, basically.
27:14He's not going around with tarmac and stuff,
27:16this is a letter-writing campaign,
27:18it's a more Amnesty International approach.
27:21In other road news, which motorway has been voted Britain's worst?
27:25Oh, that was something like the M8, was it?
27:27No. I thought it was the M40.
27:30No.
27:3132. No.
27:32No.
27:33The M56. M1 with all the cameras?
27:35No, it's the M42.
27:36So, a survey of road users...
27:38Oh, I know I like that game, can we do another one?
27:43So, that was your starter for ten.
27:45I'm now going to give you three bonus questions on Britain's roads
27:48and you may confirm, OK?
27:49Right, yeah.
27:50Who ready?
27:51Islott Maudlin.
27:54Merton, slightly more cheerful.
28:00APPLAUSE
28:03That's not how it works on University Challenge,
28:05because you can't actually buzz in on the bonuses, but sod it.
28:08How do you know?
28:09Well, I am involved, so...
28:11Are you? Yeah, yeah.
28:12Yeah, he was a mystery optic one week.
28:18Things are buzzing, so here's your first bonus.
28:20Yes.
28:21Britain's worst motorway, the M42,
28:23connects Bromsgrove in Worcestershire
28:25with which Leicestershire town 40 miles away?
28:30No.
28:31Is it Shakespeare?
28:34It's Ashby-de-la-Zouche.
28:36Oh, good.
28:37Question number two.
28:38The A12 was voted Britain's worst A road.
28:40It connects London with which...
28:44Ipswich.
28:45It's Lowestoft.
28:46This is bloody hard.
28:47This is quite hard.
28:48It's good.
28:49Finally, Britain's best A road received an 85% satisfaction rating.
28:53It connects Doncaster with Setonburn near Newcastle.
28:56What is it?
28:57A3.
28:58God, you lot are shit, man.
29:00You said that on University Channel.
29:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:03We're not shit, Emma, we have drivers.
29:05Yeah.
29:12It's the A19.
29:14And now they're gone.
29:15I'm afraid to say that's the end of the round.
29:17Goodnight, sir.
29:18At the end of the series, goodnight.
29:20Not really.
29:23Things are buzzing, teams.
29:24Here's the Globe of News again.
29:26Yep.
29:29BUZZER
29:32BUZZER
29:33I think they're going to have apostrophes in German from now on,
29:36and they didn't used to, and they think it's American.
29:39Yes.
29:40Why?
29:41Don't look at me as though it's not the most important story of the week.
29:45This is the news that Germany will officially start using
29:48possessive apostrophes.
29:50So how do Germans indicate possession without apostrophes?
29:53They invade the Sudetenland.
29:58Possessive giants, that's fair.
30:00I'll tell you, the possessive apostrophe in German
30:03is in fact called the...
30:07..which translates to the idiot's apostrophe.
30:10Why has Germany resisted using an apostrophe until now?
30:13They think it's English.
30:14It's viewed as an Anglicism, and according to the Express,
30:17has led to...
30:21The Guardian points out that...
30:28Of course not.
30:29In German, grosser apostrophe just means a bigger apostrophe.
30:34This latest development is being closely watched
30:36by Germany's grammar police, the...
30:43And in other language news,
30:45what has Oxford Professor Sir Jonathan Bate warned about?
30:50He says that...
30:54I mean, is it true if people lost the ability to focus
30:56for long enough to be able to read a book, young people,
30:58your children?
31:01What did he say?
31:02No, I think he's talking about Rhodes.
31:06Does anyone here know what BookTok is?
31:09Yes. Go on.
31:11Are you on TikTok, Ian?
31:13No.
31:14But BookTok sells a lot of books.
31:16It does.
31:17It's...
31:18Young people, I believe, recommend books to each other.
31:21Have I got that wrong?
31:22No, you've got it absolutely right.
31:24There are a lot of people on TikTok who are trying
31:26to make reading cool again.
31:28I thought it was cool.
31:30That's what me and the lads say these days.
31:32Nice trousers, what are you reading?
31:39Thank you there, Blue Harbour.
31:41David Copperfield.
31:44Blue Harbour.
31:45Oh, you should come down to Spoons with us, mate.
31:47Yeah.
31:48See the match.
31:49Read the new William Boyd.
31:54Yeah, so, apparently, if you want to make reading cool again,
31:57you talk about books on TikTok.
31:59Yeah.
32:00Here are some highlights from BookTok.
32:02First of all, the writing is so tiny.
32:04And why are the pages so filled with so many words?
32:07What the fuck?!
32:12It's a shame young people can't get to the end
32:14of Charles Dickens' novels.
32:15For me, the end of A Christmas Carol is the best bit.
32:17You know where Scrooge sees the errors of his ways
32:19and buys all those presents for Kermit, Miss Piggy and Gonzo?
32:25Fingers on buzzers, teams.
32:33Something big happened.
32:35In China?
32:36Yeah.
32:37What, with the planned economy?
32:38I don't think so.
32:40Release the virus or something?
32:42No...
32:45No, they've not done that, not this week.
32:48This is the news that a sewage pipe in China
32:51has violently exploded.
32:53And I think we need to see the event in question.
32:56Oh!
33:02Oh, my God.
33:05Oh!
33:13Oh, my God.
33:14That would be my vote for the worst motorway.
33:24Oh.
33:25When the pipe burst, bystanders were drenched in human waste,
33:29briefly exciting local archaeologists,
33:31who thought they'd uncovered a whole new terracotta army.
33:37This is the news that a Chinese sewage pipe exploded
33:40next to a busy road, covering passers-by with human waste,
33:43an incident described by Thames Water as pretty amateur.
33:53Time now for the odd one out round,
33:55just one between you this week.
33:57They are Melania Trump, Diane Abbott, Liz Truss
34:00and Anne of Cleves.
34:04Anne of Cleves hasn't got a book out.
34:11Is Anne of Cleves the easiest one to get a brass rubbing of?
34:16I'll give you a clue, it's to do with romantic...
34:19Romantic entanglements with a national leader.
34:22Oh, that's good. Sort of.
34:24So, Anne of Cleves, Henry VIII. Yeah.
34:26Diane Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn. Yeah.
34:29Liz Truss...
34:31That's a cheeky odd one out, then, isn't she?
34:34Is it? And Melania? Is that where we're going or not?
34:37No, I'll give you the answer. No, no, don't.
34:39We're ignoring ourselves. Is it how long they lasted?
34:42Excuse me?
34:45Is it the M9?
34:46No, it's not, yeah.
34:52Come on, it's romantic dalliances and the manner of their ending.
34:56Anne of Cleves, you know, she wasn't killed,
34:58she was given an agreeable house,
35:00lived life very happily at the end.
35:02You sound like a solicitor defending Henry VIII.
35:05They've all married someone, despite a terrible first date,
35:08apart from Diane Abbott, who dumped Jeremy Corbyn
35:11after a terrible last date.
35:13Where did Jeremy Corbyn take Diane Abbott on that...
35:16Karl Marx's grave. Yes.
35:18That's exactly right.
35:19In her recent autobiography, Diane says that when they dated
35:22in the late 1970s, she complained to him
35:25about their lack of social activity as a couple,
35:28so when Jeremy told her they were finally going out,
35:30she wrote, feeling excited,
35:32I dressed up nicely.
35:33I had no idea where we were going.
35:35A nice wine bar?
35:36But Jeremy drove her to Highgate Cemetery,
35:39where he proudly showed her the tomb of Karl Marx.
35:43What was Christmas at the Corbyns like, according to Diane Abbott?
35:47Would Piers Corbyn come round?
35:50She'd be like, oh, Christ, he's the bonkers one.
35:55Diane, in fact, recalls that dinner seemed mostly
35:58about boiled vegetables, adding the house was freezing
36:01and there was no alcohol.
36:03There were lots of red flags and also some signs
36:05that it was a bad relationship.
36:10What happened when Anne of Cleves met Henry VIII?
36:13Henry VIII was very disappointed because he thought
36:16she would look like this picture by Holbein, and she didn't.
36:19That's exactly right.
36:20Henry had agreed to marry Anne solely based on this portrait of her,
36:23but after she'd made the trip over to England
36:25and he saw her in the flesh, he supposedly declared,
36:28I like her not, I like her not,
36:30from which we get the phrase, no likey, no likey.
36:35It's a bit rash of him, isn't it, to agree to marry somebody
36:37based on a painting?
36:38Yeah, exactly.
36:39He was quite desperate by then.
36:40Was he?
36:41Yeah, he was old and undesirable.
36:43Oh, really? I can't imagine that.
36:47Well, the marriage was annulled soon after,
36:49and it could have been worse.
36:50She could have fallen head over heels.
36:53What did Melania...
36:54Shut up!
36:57This audience has heard every Henry VIII joke going.
37:00What did Melania Trump reveal this week
37:02about her first date with Donald Trump?
37:05They discussed the abortion act
37:07and the Supreme Court's reaction to it.
37:09No, I thought because of the vigour with which you buzzed in
37:11that you actually knew the answer, but you don't, do you?
37:13No, I haven't read the book, nor she.
37:17In an interview with Fox News, head of her upcoming memoir,
37:20she revealed that Donald took her on an hour-and-a-half drive
37:24to view a property that he wanted to buy.
37:26Liz Truss met her husband, Hugh O'Leary,
37:29at the Tory party conference in 1997.
37:32What a year that was for them.
37:33What happened on their first date?
37:35Did they go to a pork market?
37:39According to The Express, she invited him ice skating.
37:42Yeah.
37:43But the date ended in despair when he sprained his ankle.
37:46Which important moment in Liz Truss's political career
37:48is being commemorated this week?
37:50There weren't any.
37:52There was a commemoration this week.
37:54Do you see this?
37:55A blue plaque appeared outside a Tesco in Walthamstow
37:58to mark the fact that the lettuce that outlasted her Premiership,
38:02which was purchased there...
38:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
38:13Liz Truss's husband is an accountant, according to the BBC.
38:16His mathematical mind may well have been what attracted Ms Truss.
38:20Well, every household needs at least one.
38:24Henry VIII felt tricked by Holbein's painting of Anne of Cleves.
38:27It was the most misleading royal portrait in British history
38:30until Kate photoshopped an extra hand onto Prince George.
38:34Time now for the Missing Words round,
38:36which this week features as its guest publication,
38:38The Thatcher's Standard,
38:40the magazine of the National Society of Master Thatchers.
38:43They're excited to be featured on the show,
38:45because after this they're hoping sales will go through the roof,
38:48which will then need re-thatching.
38:50And we start with...
38:55Is it Dick Curdles?
38:57Sorry? I beg your pardon?
39:01Oh, I see, I thought you were talking about a bloke called Dick Curdles.
39:04No!
39:06Surprise after Gibbons spotted...
39:11Oh, wow!
39:12Would you like to see said dancing Gibbon?
39:14Yes, please. Here it is.
39:17Sorry, sorry, sorry, wrong clip.
39:19This is what we're looking for, this one here.
39:31Do you think maybe that's just an electric fence?
39:36Next...
39:41Just a quick reminder, it's not waterproof.
39:44Is it not? Oh, it is. Oh, it is.
39:46But it would make you think, wouldn't it? Yeah, no.
39:49No. No?
39:50When a Thatcher says...
39:55Oh.
39:56It is bound to get people talking.
39:58Next...
40:02Repeatedly telling people.
40:04Oh, hello, I'm not in the office today, I'm working from home.
40:08No, we make working from home more pleasurable
40:11by using a lying-down desk.
40:14Oh.
40:15Here is inventor Alex May under his desk.
40:21It would be a good advert for a futon.
40:24Wouldn't it? Yeah.
40:25What happened to futons?
40:27God, the past was great.
40:31No, you'd still get a futon. Oh, can I? Yeah.
40:34Have you got one with you?
40:37This one was provided by Lord Ali.
40:44Next...
40:49Turns out to be perfectly normal.
40:52No. Is it the M9? No.
40:55On a clear day, you can see whatever that fucking road is,
40:58reach lower stock from here.
41:00The A12.
41:01A strange sighting on church roof in Norwich turns out to be...
41:08So the bishop was on the roof inspecting solar panels
41:11as part of the Church of England's drive towards net zero,
41:14a target which it has almost achieved with its congregation.
41:19Finally...
41:23Matching oven gloves.
41:25Is that what you do this with? A whip.
41:27Is it disciplining interns?
41:33Is that an oven truck of theirs?
41:35This is merchandise for upcoming Oasis tour to include...
41:38Yeah? Flyswatter.
41:41That wasn't a flyswatter, what you were doing there. Yes, it was.
41:44Have I got this wrong? A flyswatter is a kind of vigorous...
41:47You've not got it wrong, you're just too angry.
41:51You've got to try and seduce them into a relaxed mood.
41:54Have you tried low lighting?
41:59So the final scores are Ian and Andrea have three points,
42:02Paul and Miles have five points.
42:04Well done.
42:05APPLAUSE
42:07I wonder what that's for.
42:10It appears to be on the losing team.
42:13Can't think why. I'm always on it, so...
42:16I've rubbed off on you, haven't I?
42:18Well, not yet.
42:21Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:24Geoffrey, I don't want to embarrass you,
42:26but you've forgotten to put your socks on again.
42:29I'm impressed that you've managed to get your helmet
42:31over the handlebars.
42:37On which lovely note we say thank you to our panellists,
42:40Ian Hislop and Dame Andrea Jenkins, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
42:43And I leave you with news that Angela Rayner says there are no issues
42:47juggling her party lifestyle with the demands of government
42:50as she flies straight from a weekend in Ibiza
42:53to a military veterans' event.
42:56At the City Hall in Pennsylvania,
42:58it's nearly time for a hot milky drink.
43:04And on a visit to a coffee shop,
43:06one man starts to understand how unpopular he's become
43:09as he notices the barista has spelled out
43:11nobody likes you on the top of his cappuccino.
43:18Goodnight!
43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE