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00:00Right then, I'll be cleaning most of this up then, will I?
00:15Sorry, Lydia. Bit of a heavy night.
00:18So heavy you dropped most of it on the floor.
00:20Well, I'll sort it.
00:22Miss Kim, she's, er, playing silly games.
00:27Oh, I'd say poor you, but there's folk in this village with problems not of their own making.
00:31Oh, it's not a problem. She's just trying to make me jealous, but it's not working.
00:36Sounds very grown up.
00:37Exactly.
00:39Well, go on then, what did she do?
00:41Oh, she's just been out with that financial bloke, Peter.
00:45I mean, as if going out for tea with rent-a-date's gonna bother me.
00:50How about having breakfast with?
00:53You what?
00:54The kitchen's this way, isn't it?
01:01Grab a coffee?
01:02Oh, we've got coffee at home and we need to get to the hospital.
01:05Yeah.
01:08What's up?
01:09Just a bit nervous about bringing him home.
01:12Yeah, same.
01:14But let's not think like that today.
01:16We've got three whole weeks with him.
01:19He'll be fine.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Right, I'll go and get something for Jenny.
01:26Hey, can I grab the car?
01:28Of course, but it's failed its MOT.
01:31Seriously, for what?
01:32Well, I could print you out a list, but I wouldn't want to do that to the environment.
01:36Oh, and so what's it gonna cost to put it right?
01:38Erm, about nine times what it's worth.
01:42It's gonna need a new car. Brilliant.
01:45Can you get us one?
01:46Of course. What kind?
01:48Cheap kind.
01:50How cheap?
01:51A couple grand.
01:52You do know that that means two thousand pounds, right?
01:54Yeah.
01:55Okay.
01:56You're not gonna get anything better than that for a couple of grand, mate.
02:00Unless you're in the market for a well-loved mobility scooter.
02:12You look like you've just got out of that bin.
02:14Oh, does me having a good time bother you?
02:18Yes.
02:19Because all I'll be able to think about when I'm back upstairs with Peter
02:23is you and Jimmy crushing empty beer cans on your thick skulls.
02:28You know, your self-respect has gone through the floor.
02:31My self-respect?
02:33There's a bloke up there that's wearing my dressing gown.
02:36Not anymore he isn't.
02:39You're trying to make me jealous.
02:40Peter and I are going out for lunch.
02:42To that Michelin star place.
02:45Shall I order you in some peanuts and beer
02:47for another knuckle-dragging day of frying your brain cells?
02:51I can look after myself, ta.
02:53Ah, well that's fortunate.
02:55Because you're gonna have to soon.
03:04Hello, mate.
03:07No school?
03:08I feel sick.
03:09Oh.
03:11You, er, you seen my phone?
03:13I haven't got it.
03:14Yeah, I just think I left it this morning.
03:17Ah.
03:20What's up?
03:21Nothing.
03:23Are you sure?
03:24Sure.
03:26Oh.
03:27As if.
03:33Please send.
03:34So what, I've just forgot this.
03:36Did you remember your wallet?
03:37Yeah.
03:38Good. You can get a shop in then, eh?
03:41Oh, well, I am slightly injured.
03:43Hmm, so I'll take you down.
03:44Okay.
03:45I'll see you later.
03:47See you, Karl.
03:49See ya.
03:50Oh.
03:51How are you feeling?
03:53Okay.
03:55Come on.
03:56Oh, hang on.
03:57Come in!
03:59Oh, oh yeah.
04:00You sick as well?
04:02Yeah, sick of my mum.
04:03Right.
04:04Shift up.
04:10Even better, Karl, erm, big basket of socks upstairs.
04:12Go pair them up and I'll give you a quid.
04:22Oh, er, we won't trouble you further.
04:24We're off for a delightful lunch.
04:28Has he got my shirt on?
04:30Oh, I believe he has.
04:32It's a bit loose around the gut, actually.
04:35But my one had lipstick all over the collar.
04:37Sorry.
04:38Forgiven.
04:40You, I get,
04:42you're some old nomad that's just after a free lunch.
04:45But you,
04:46thought you had more class.
04:50Lessons in class from a convicted drug trafficker.
04:53What's next?
04:55Morality lessons from the cheating husband?
04:57Oh, both him, by the way.
04:59I admitted I'd made a mistake.
05:00Mistake?
05:01Yeah.
05:02But the blackmailing,
05:04I mean, that were deliberate.
05:06That were well worked out.
05:07That was the work of a twisted old cow.
05:11Can you mind how you speak to the lady, please?
05:13The lady is my wife.
05:15It doesn't give her the right to be vile, I'm afraid.
05:17Yeah, and it doesn't give you the right to sleep with her, either.
05:19Oh, we didn't sleep a wink.
05:22Well, maybe you should get some shut-eye now, eh?
05:27Sorry to barge in.
05:29You didn't barge, you knocked.
05:31Why are you sick of your mum?
05:32I'm not sick of her, I'm sick of the situation.
05:35I can't seem to get things right.
05:37See where lying gets you?
05:39Yeah, it's just...
05:41I hate that I've not, you know...
05:44That you're not some sort of Casanova.
05:47What's that?
05:48You're 17, you've got your whole life.
05:51I mean, some people my age, it's like they're living on Flippin' Love Island.
05:55These other people your age,
05:57how do you know what they're up to?
05:58They say.
05:59Like you said about you and John?
06:01You better actually tell them the truth.
06:03Because they sound convincing, like you sounded convincing.
06:07Even if it's true, and they are all at it like that,
06:10which is a phrase I've never understood, by the way,
06:13is it really what you want?
06:15Yeah.
06:16Oh, I genuinely thought you were going to say no, and I'd sound like a genius.
06:20Sorry.
06:21Look,
06:24I'm not about to sit here and advise my best mate's son to put it about with anyone who'll look at him.
06:30But you do need to talk to your mum about it.
06:33She's no Mother Teresa, you know.
06:35Who's Mother Teresa?
06:37Do you know anyone?
06:39Don't matter.
06:40Right, there is a big pile of Jimmy's grimy underpants in there.
06:44Do you want to wash them?
06:46No.
06:47Good choice.
06:48Get comfy while I do.
06:50Then we're going to sort this out.
06:53Why don't you go and get cleaned up upstairs?
06:58This matter isn't over.
07:02You can keep the shirt, by the way.
07:09Well, the green-eyed monster packs a punch.
07:13I'm not jealous.
07:14Excellent impersonation of someone who is.
07:17I'm just not taking that from him in me own home.
07:21You're not in your own home, Will.
07:23You don't have your own home.
07:25And that will become very clear very soon.
07:29And I'm glad you're not jealous.
07:31It'll spare me endless days seeing you mope around.
07:35Because, quite frankly, I can't stand you even when you're not.
07:41You know, I surprised myself when I fell for you.
07:45But the only surprise you've ever given me is this endless propensity for shamelessness
07:50that you demonstrate every single minute more you stay in my house.
07:54Desperately trying to cling on to a life that you never had and didn't deserve.
08:09Oh, I thought you were at college.
08:12Yeah, he came for a chat with me.
08:13Oh, I didn't realise you were on the curriculum.
08:18So this is the point that you tell me what's going on?
08:21Why don't you go up to Yuri, Martha?
08:23OK.
08:25Can I sit down?
08:27Well, I should be asking you because you're clearly in charge, Nicola.
08:30Permission granted.
08:33So what's going on?
08:35Er, he's...
08:39He's finding it hard to talk to you.
08:42Well, he would do if he's round at your house. I live here.
08:45Yeah, well, he might spend more time here if you were a bit more approachable.
08:48Sorry, Nicola.
08:50Are you giving me advice about how to deal with my son?
08:53Because if you are, it's not welcome or necessary.
08:56He might not be welcome, but I think considering how he's been recently,
08:59it sort of might be necessary.
09:01Yeah, you're probably right.
09:03It's just I wouldn't want him to end up getting locked up.
09:06Because then I would feel like a bad parent.
09:11You called it off because Will decked him.
09:13No, I called it off because he's nothing but a tool.
09:16Rude.
09:18As in a means of accomplishing something.
09:21Oh, I see.
09:23And what did you accomplish, exactly?
09:26Well...
09:28I made Will feel bad.
09:30Yay!
09:32Shall I tell you a secret?
09:35Go on, then.
09:38It doesn't feel as good as I hoped.
09:42He still cares for you.
09:44I know.
09:46I feel oddly gratified.
09:48Because you still care about him.
09:50Ah, now that's where we disagree.
09:52Right.
09:54Look, this is what I see.
09:56There's two people who live in this house who still love each other.
10:00And unless one of them stops being stubborn and swallows their pride,
10:05they're going to lose each other for good.
10:09Or am I wrong?
10:17I'm sorry.
10:31Will's on it early.
10:33He's barely been off it.
10:35I got there this morning.
10:37He's fast asleep under a beer-canned duvet on the sofa.
10:40Kim's upstairs with some fella who's obviously...
10:43Experiment details.
10:45No problems without worrying what the posh folk are up to.
10:48Yeah, I said as much to him myself.
10:50What's on your mind?
10:53What's not?
10:54You're seeing Samson soon.
10:56And Amelia's coming round with Esther later, remember?
10:59Yeah, course I do.
11:00So, whatever problems we may have,
11:03there's always something to look forward to, eh?
11:06What would I do without you, eh?
11:08Oh, I don't know.
11:09Wear dirty clothes and die of starvation.
11:12That's about right.
11:16HE BELCHES
11:20Wow.
11:21Sorry, was that a burp or was it the mating call of a walrus?
11:26It was a burp. I've done with mating.
11:29Oh, what's the matter? Has Kim cut you off?
11:32Not literally. I hope not, anyway.
11:34Well, not that I'm interested in you.
11:37Stop while you're ahead.
11:39I wouldn't know how, never been ahead.
11:41Join my club.
11:43Aw, what's the matter?
11:45Thought you were the man who had it all.
11:47Had?
11:48Now I've got no but a vindictive, soon-to-be ex-wife.
11:53Oh, dear.
11:55I mean, do you want to tell me about it?
11:57Get you me bothered to listen?
11:59I can't be if I've got a drink in me hand.
12:01What are you having?
12:02Doubles.
12:08People need to stop thinking they're better than me
12:10just cos my daughter got in trouble.
12:12She said that very kindly to stones being thrown from people in glass houses.
12:16Oh, so it's Jimmy as well, is it?
12:17No, I never said that.
12:18You said people.
12:19No, I did not. So you said people.
12:20Well, at least I can keep my man.
12:22You certainly can.
12:29Sorry.
12:33No, I am for saying that.
12:36I'm sorry for saying the other.
12:38You're a really good mum.
12:40So are you.
12:42I'm just really struggling with him at the moment, Nick.
12:46Well, that's life with teenagers. I'm very much finding out.
12:49What did he say?
12:51Oh, he...
12:53He's got this idea of how he should seem to other people.
12:57And how does he want to seem?
12:59Experienced.
13:00He's 17.
13:01Said that.
13:03So that's why the lies.
13:05He's a gay lad in a small village
13:07and while it's friendly enough, it's not exactly San Francisco, is it?
13:12He's working out where he fits in in life.
13:14Square peg, round hole.
13:16And in the meantime, I'm criticising his every move.
13:20I can't blame Kim if she wants it over, but there's ways to do things.
13:24I mean, I woke up this morning on the settee
13:26and there's a bloke knocking about in my dressing gown
13:29that's definitely not slept on a settee.
13:32Right.
13:33So pretty much sounds the same as what you did to her.
13:36All right.
13:37See if you think I'd do this.
13:39I've been getting blackmailed by someone who knows what I've done, right?
13:43They want £50,000
13:46or they're going to tell Kim.
13:48£50,000?
13:49Yeah.
13:50Right.
13:51So that's how she found out, cos you almost didn't get it.
13:53Oh, I got it.
13:55What?
13:56I should have said triples.
13:58Anyway, so I go to pay
14:00and there's this grave that's been half dug
14:03and there's a note saying to carry it on.
14:05Now, this is after they've called me and told me they've got Kim, by the way.
14:08All right?
14:09They've snatched her?
14:10Yeah.
14:11So, anyway, so I'm digging away
14:13and her voice is coming from underground.
14:16Hang on, so you saved her
14:18and she's still sacked you off?
14:20No, I'm digging like crazy to reach her.
14:22I hit this coffin.
14:24I lift the lid up
14:26and inside, all that's inside, is a walkie-talkie.
14:31Then Kim appears, at top of all,
14:33saying that she's been blackmailing me
14:35and making me think that she's about to get killed.
14:39And then she thanks me for money,
14:41which, obviously, I've virtually gambled my life on,
14:44and she just leaves me to rot.
14:48Oh, my God.
14:50That's...
14:51I mean, that might be
14:53the most impressive thing I've ever heard in life.
14:57Your life is a wreck!
15:00It's a ruin!
15:02And do you know what the really sad thing is?
15:05Is that I loved her
15:07and...
15:08I still do.
15:11Triple.
15:12Yeah.
15:17Aye, aye, aye.
15:18Your mum likes mum lists, doesn't she?
15:21What?
15:22Well, this is just a quarter of it.
15:25You on your own?
15:26My mum's coming back.
15:30Karl, um...
15:34It feels like we're not mates any more.
15:36I'm sorry.
15:39Is this about what happened the other day in the car?
15:42You... You scared me.
15:44Did I?
15:46I'm sorry.
15:48It's just...
15:50It's just...
15:52It's just...
15:54When you lose something like that,
15:56something where you got your whole life on it,
15:58and...
16:00Anyway, that's no excuse. I'm sorry.
16:02And I'm obviously not gonna go to the police,
16:04so they're off the hook.
16:06OK.
16:08You know what they had at the supermarket?
16:10I saw it,
16:12and I thought,
16:13I know a little lad
16:15that could use one of those.
16:19Huh?
16:21Ah...
16:25That business with the tablet.
16:27Are we done with all that?
16:28Yeah.
16:30You sure?
16:31Yeah, sure.
16:32Mm-hm.
16:33Repeat after me.
16:35Tablet.
16:37What tablet?
16:38Tablet.
16:40What tablet?
16:42Good man.
16:49Hmm.
16:50And then Bob's going round with the mic,
16:52and he's getting everybody to say one thing about us.
16:56So Amelia says,
16:57Oh, Dan's the best dad ever.
16:59And then his ex said something,
17:01and then Val, oh, who you won't know.
17:03And then this guy,
17:05who nobody knew,
17:06well, I recognise him a little bit,
17:09he said,
17:10Hiya, I'm Kev,
17:12and Kerry
17:14is married to me.
17:16Who were he?
17:18My husband.
17:22You just married Dan?
17:23Yeah.
17:25Got in a bit of a bar for that.
17:31I think I'd better drink this up and go.
17:36Yeah, me too.
17:41Do you fancy another?
17:43I wish we'd get back for a stay.
17:46Amelia's just texted,
17:47asking if we can do another time.
17:49Was she asking us or telling us?
17:51Telling.
17:52Why?
17:53She didn't say.
17:56It'll be Tom, won't it?
17:57Oh, I really hope not.
17:59I'd hate to think he's starting with Amelia how he was with Belle.
18:02If he ever so much as looks at Esther the wrong way.
18:05I know, I agree,
18:06but it's Amelia I'm worried about for now.
18:18Hello?
18:20The girls were at a party and the boys were there too.
18:23The girls shook their booties and the boys went,
18:25Woo-hoo!
18:26You're a nice one, Eminem.
18:28No, have you got any hopscotch?
18:30Cos I'm proper good at that.
18:31No, but Clemmie's got a dollhouse she can play with.
18:34What's up?
18:35Yeah, I think I should be asking you that.
18:38That punch bag doesn't punch back, does it?
18:41Not so far, no.
18:42So what's with all of the...
18:44Playing with the kids.
18:45Playing with the kids.
18:46Right, and what's the game? Hit Daddy with bricks?
18:49Look, I've got...
18:51I've got sort of a training programme going, so...
18:54What's that in aid of?
18:56Keeping healthy.
18:57Want to join in?
18:59No.
19:00No, I had a banana last week, so I'm good.
19:03Listen, RE, the car...
19:06Oh, the one I can't afford because I'm a know-nothing peasant?
19:09Er, I've made some calls.
19:11I've not heard anything back yet cos it's such a small budget.
19:14Well, can I get something for three?
19:16A thousand? Yeah, I can get you something for three.
19:18It won't come from Germany.
19:20Then I might be able to stretch to four.
19:22Sorry, you've made two grand in what, three hours?
19:27Tell me your secret.
19:30Don't have one.
19:32The sooner, the better, yeah?
19:35Yeah.
19:36Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a cheap rental in the meantime.
19:39Yeah, cheers.
19:40I'll do that.
19:41Tell those kids to lay off you, yeah?
19:43Yeah.
19:51Er, tomorrow's no good.
19:53And the day after won't work for me either.
19:57Peter, can I save you the trouble of listing all the days of the week in order
20:02and say thank you for your interest in pursuing a relationship
20:06but it's not reciprocated?
20:10Sorry. Bye.
20:12Are you getting back with your husband?
20:17Well, that will depend on him.
20:28Hello. Hello.
20:31Been to the pub by any chance?
20:33Yes.
20:34And are you capable of a coherent conversation?
20:37About what?
20:39You, me, you and me.
20:42Oh, sorry, I couldn't hold on.
20:45Definitely should have gone before we left the pub but
20:49at least the plants have been watered.
20:53Hello. Hi.
20:55I'm sorry, but we already have a clean.
20:57Right.
20:59Awkward.
21:00No, no, no, it's not. It's, er...
21:03We're free agents, aren't we?
21:05Yep.
21:07Very modern, aren't we just?
21:09So are you good?
21:11Er...
21:13Good.
21:14Oh, right. Now.
21:16Oh?
21:17Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See ya.
21:19See ya.
21:29Who's first?