The.Cleaner.2021.S03E05
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TVTranscript
00:00♪
00:12Shit!
00:13♪
00:28Now then, I shall need this van moved immediately.
00:31Yeah, sorry, I think I must have hit something on the cattle grid.
00:34I can't have a smoking vehicle on the driveway, and you are?
00:39Sorry, I'm the cleaner. I'm Wicky. The police sent me.
00:43Very good. Now, first things first, take this round to the garage at the back.
00:48Think I'm going to have to get the roadside assistance out or something, you know?
00:51After I've signed up for one. Pretend that it's just happened. You know them.
00:55No, there's no need. Gibbers will take care of it for you. He's quite capable.
00:59He's looked after all our cars for years.
01:02I'll take the van round to Gibbers. Sorry, you are?
01:08I'm Mrs Barton, the housekeeper.
01:12You run this whole place?
01:13Oh, yes.
01:14You don't look old enough.
01:15I took over from my mother, and I can assure you that I follow her same exact standards.
01:22Well, I'm sure she feels very proud.
01:24She feels nothing at all. Her neck was snapped when she fell from a stallion.
01:28Now, the job itself is over here.
01:47Blimey, someone took a tumble.
01:50Estate agent.
01:51Ah, the old bad suit and pointy shoe brigade, eh?
01:54Mm-hm. Clumsy old fell out of a window during a valuation.
01:59He's quite dead, of course.
02:01Of course. Poor thing.
02:04Hey, how much is the place, then? I'm looking for a weekend gaff.
02:07He was conducting a valuation for tax purposes only. Rosewood Hall is not for sale.
02:12Madam, fear not. I was recently told I had insufficient funds when I attempted to purchase...
02:19bacon.
02:20Oh, you were joking.
02:21Well, Lady Rice-Phillips will not share your humour. She has very little time for tradesmen.
02:26Oh.
02:27Hey, I've never met a lady of the manner before. Is she in?
02:30She's returning tonight.
02:31After vacationing in Provence, we are having a very distinguished guest to dinner.
02:37I presume you'll need water, so I'll bring a bucket out.
02:40M'lady?
02:43You'll enjoy elevenses.
02:45Will I?
02:45Hot scones, tea, fresh cream.
02:47Then I shall enjoy elevenses very much.
02:49I shan't refuse tenses. I'm not going to knock nises at your hand.
02:53Right, I'll have Tippy bring it out to you.
02:55Now, pay no heed to her shyness.
02:58I feared the girl was kicked in the head by a horse as an infant.
03:01Then Tippy and I will get on famously.
03:04A pony once tried to bite my tit off.
03:09I'll take the van round to Gibbers.
03:17Gibbers!
03:37Okay, Mr Estate Agent, let's get you cleaned up.
03:43Why do they wear these pointy shoes?
04:17Oh, are you Tippy?
04:24Yes, sir.
04:25Can't stop. Cook needs me at kitchen.
04:28Bye-bye.
04:29Enjoy your scone.
04:31Bloody hell.
04:32It's not a scone, Tippy.
04:33It's asthma.
04:47Oi, where have you been?
04:49I'm sorry, cook. Mrs Barton wanted me to take scones to the man.
04:54Mrs Barton will be first to complain if there's not food on table tonight.
04:59So get yourself over to that soup and keep it moving.
05:02As if it burns at home if it sink.
05:05Yes, cook.
05:06Hey, concentrate, girl.
05:08Give the attention span of a bloody moth.
05:11Poor little mouse girl.
05:12Ow! You burned my hand on the ladle.
05:17Cook's a monster.
05:18You get out of my kitchen, you great big wobble.
05:21You mean to me, you mean to me.
05:24Hey, you get back here.
05:28Hello?
05:31I just needed some water.
05:39Guess I'll get it myself then.
05:40Oh, I've heard all about your prize cow, John.
05:48But it's rabbits for dinner, cook needs.
05:51We have very important mouths to feed, as well you know.
05:55No, listen, John.
05:57I've been waiting to hear the sound of a gunshot all morning.
06:01Yes, I hear what you're saying, but...
06:06Don't start blabbering on about what a good shot you are, man.
06:09You've the wrong audience for that.
06:10Save that for your cross-eyed friends at the pub.
06:13Oh, John Church, our gamekeeper, spends his days
06:16murdering wildlife except for when I actually need him to.
06:19Oh, he sounds delightful.
06:21How far off are you?
06:22I'm nearly done.
06:23I just need to get the blood off the windowsill upstairs in the bedroom.
06:26No!
06:27No?
06:28That is Her Ladyship's personal bedroom
06:31and she wouldn't thank me for sending a man in there to snoop around in it.
06:35Good day.
06:36Oh.
06:37Oh.
06:39Okay.
06:41If you're looking for an emotional goodbye,
06:43then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place.
06:45I didn't shed so much as a tear when my own father died.
06:48Or my mother.
06:50She was a brutal woman and he was a drunk.
06:54Good day.
07:07Oh.
07:19Bleeding hell.
07:20Who gave this an M.O.T.?
07:22State it is.
07:25What the hell?
07:26What's it?
07:27Chippers?
07:28What have you done?
07:29It's ruined.
07:30Oh, get lost.
07:31You don't need to get lost.
07:32You've wrecked my van.
07:33Get lost.
07:34Well, the ricy lady is paying for this.
07:36I'll tell you that much.
07:37So...
07:43Right.
07:52Right.
07:52Chippers has totally f...
08:07Hello?
08:29Hey, I thought she was on holiday.
08:37So...
08:53You shouldn't ought to be in here.
08:56To be?
09:07Look, I'm supposed to be in the kitchen preparing the rabbit.
09:13Holy shit.
09:16You're...
09:18And?
09:20This is Lady Rice Phillips's personal chambers.
09:24And Mrs Barton says that being in here is like sniffing a lady's undergarments.
09:30It's private.
09:32Well, that's fine.
09:34Because I finished my work, you know.
09:37And I'm gonna go.
09:39It's my girlfriend's taking me to a beef.
09:45A beef?
09:46Oh, what's beef?
09:48You know the beef dance.
09:51A beef dance?
09:52Yes.
09:54Now, how will you get home?
09:56Chippers told me that he's having terrible trouble with your car.
10:00He said, orange guts have come out.
10:03Oh, I'm gonna walk.
10:06It's 13 miles to the nearest town, you know.
10:08What a bollocks, is it?
10:09Oh yes, I do it every Thursday to get spices and whatnot for cooking.
10:14I have to do toilet in a hedge.
10:16Oh.
10:19They don't take you in the car, no?
10:20The one in the garage?
10:22No, no, Mrs Barton said that the big car is just for Lady Rice.
10:27Chippers keeps the keys safe in his garage.
10:30Well, I'm gonna walk and do toilet in a hedge, bye.
10:33No!
10:34Mrs Barton will want to check your work before you leave,
10:38and she has very exacting standards.
10:47I know, and that's why she's not going to be very pleased with you.
10:53What?
10:54Look at the state of that.
11:00Bed?
11:01What? Why?
11:02Oh, the corners aren't turned down.
11:04Oh, no.
11:05Oh, no.
11:06Oh, I'm sorry.
11:07I won't tell her that.
11:08Sorry.
11:27Whoa.
11:32Where would Chippers keep keys?
11:37Look behind the curtain, Dorothy.
11:38There is no Chippers.
11:44Chippers, you imaginary prick.
12:02Oh.
12:22My name is John Church,
12:25and while I'm gamekeeper here, no thief will leave the grounds alive.
12:30Shit in my hand.
12:34I was only borrowing it.
12:36I was gonna bring it back.
12:37Yeah, and if Cruz kidnapped him back in the palace,
12:40they'd eat pearl instead of seed.
12:42Oh, yeah, because that makes sense, doesn't it?
12:43You sick fuck.
12:48Right, down.
12:50Now, Mrs Barton will not take kindly
12:52to there being a common faith in the grounds.
12:55Look, I don't know what's going on here.
12:58You save it.
13:00She'll deal with you when she's good and ready.
13:03Or I will.
13:23Yeah, of course it's dead.
13:28Yeah.
13:44Damn you, Burger King.
13:46Damn you to hell.
13:52What'll happen to him, Mrs Barton?
13:54I don't think he meant any harm.
13:56Oh, turned your head, did he?
13:57You'd do well to take this as a life lesson, young lady.
14:00Or would you like to end up heavily pregnant, hmm?
14:03The spawn of an outsized hoodlum growing within you.
14:06She can't care for a little one.
14:08She's a don't like bread she was born with
14:10out from her head by Mr Pickles.
14:12Why is she always so mean to me?
14:15Lady Rest Phillips is due any time,
14:17and she does not want to witness two northern cats brawling,
14:20especially with Lord Palmerston's visit.
14:22Well, well, well.
14:26This is quite the state of affairs, isn't it?
14:28You're telling me.
14:29Look, I was only borrowing the car.
14:32And it was wrong. I'm sorry.
14:34OK, let me go.
14:35I'll walk home, and I will never come back, all right?
14:38You just be thankful I didn't let John Church dispense justice.
14:42Yes, I suppose I should be thankful
14:44that I'm not being held captive
14:45by someone who's howling,
14:47fucking mad.
14:49Now, you pay no attention to him, John.
14:52The criminal mind is a cauldron of rage.
14:58I'll happily deal with him, ma'am.
15:00No, no, no, no, no.
15:02There's no need for extreme measures, John.
15:04Not yet, anyway.
15:08She's here.
15:10She's here.
15:12Ooh!
15:14Ooh!
15:16Ooh!
15:18Ooh!
15:20Ah!
15:22Let me out!
15:24Let me out, you fucking nutter!
15:26Ah!
15:28Lady Nice Phillips, may I be the first
15:30to welcome you back to Rosewood Hall?
15:32Ah. I take it Viscount Palmston has confirmed?
15:36Oh, yes, indeed, ma'am.
15:38Good. We have matters to discuss.
15:44What is all this fuss in here?
15:46I don't have time for...
15:50Good day to you.
15:56Where did you get that?
15:58Where did I get my own hat?
16:00Why, from, uh...
16:02from my own home.
16:06From your home?
16:10Do you not recognize me, Mrs Barton?
16:14It has been a few years, but
16:16I would have thought that
16:20Viscount Palmston
16:22would not be a total stranger.
16:32Ooh!
16:34Mayvian!
16:36Mayvian?
16:38That's my first name.
16:40Yeah. Um, yes.
16:42It is I,
16:44Mayvian.
16:56Oh, what were you doing in there?
16:58We had a petty criminal locked in.
17:00Yes. I saw the braggart
17:02leap through the window. Naturally,
17:04I followed through to see if he had
17:06stolen any antiquities.
17:08Through the window?
17:10That seems impossible. He was
17:12grossly overweight.
17:14He was perhaps a little rotund.
17:16Oh, Mayvian, he was grotesque.
17:18Hugely tall, but
17:20terribly unfit. He can't have gone far.
17:22Well, you say that, but I did see
17:24him run away, and he was fair like
17:26an Olympic sprinter, so perhaps
17:28one shouldn't be quite so quick to judge.
17:30He really was quite fast.
17:32The important thing is
17:34you're here, and Lady Rice
17:36is so looking forward to seeing you.
17:38Yes. I just need to pop
17:40to my car. But why?
17:44I wish
17:46to get my pipe.
17:48You don't smoke a pipe, Mayvian.
17:50No.
17:52No, I don't. It is not a
17:54smoking pipe I wish to get. It is
17:56a horn.
17:58A horn? Yes.
18:00An alpine
18:02horn from my travels
18:04in the alpine.
18:06I shall be playing for Lady Rice,
18:08so... Oh, wow.
18:10You're very cultured, but
18:12I'm afraid for your safety I've locked all
18:14the doors and windows. What?
18:16Why? Oh, yes, and
18:18Tippy took the cad's phone, so
18:20he will return, but John Churchill
18:22will take care of him. He's
18:24been told to maim on sight.
18:26Now, the Lady
18:28will be down imminently.
18:30Wait till you see what Cook's done.
18:32She's made your favourite
18:34battered rabbit.
18:38The fuck?
18:40Seriously, I really would like
18:42to speak to Tippy, if I may.
18:44Oh!
18:46The Lady is ready.
18:48Now, I hear that you two
18:50have matters of great
18:52importance to discuss.
18:54Yes, but before you go,
18:56I would just like to speak to Tippy.
18:58Heed my cry.
19:00Heed my cry!
19:02Fuck!
19:14Distinguished guests,
19:16Rosewood Hall is
19:18delighted for you to welcome
19:20your host for this most special
19:22of evenings, Lady
19:24Rice Phillips.
19:26Oh, my
19:28fucking
19:30God!
19:50Oh, Maiden,
19:52France was so cold
19:54without you there
19:56to warm our spirits.
20:02Look,
20:04we really have got to talk.
20:06You know fine well, Maiden,
20:08that we have matters of
20:10great importance to discuss,
20:12but not in front of
20:14the staff.
20:16No, they do not share our
20:18intellectual capabilities.
20:20Now, you must
20:22be famished.
20:24I shouldn't ruin the surprise, but
20:26I have heard that Cook has been...
20:28She's battered a fucking rabbit, I've seen it.
20:30Oh, naughty Maiden.
20:34Shall we?
20:38Right.
20:40You want to get crazy?
20:42Let's get crazy.
20:52Oh, Maiden.
21:08Oh, Maiden.
21:10What is that scent?
21:12You smell as divine
21:14as ever.
21:16It's a mixture of lengths
21:18and fear.
21:20Look what you want.
21:22Oh, Maiden.
21:26It shames me to say this, but
21:28I am
21:30bankrupted.
21:32I need your help to save
21:34my beloved Rosewood Hall.
21:36Now, what I want
21:38is a union
21:40betwixt our two great
21:42houses.
21:44I've only got a flat
21:46and it's rented.
21:48You're right.
21:50My darling, of course you are.
21:52Our fortunes are misaligned.
21:54Oh.
21:56So I can
21:58shoot, can I?
22:00If that's, uh,
22:02cool,
22:04I'll, uh,
22:06I'll pop off.
22:08Yes, you're right.
22:10This isn't about
22:12money.
22:14This is about
22:16love.
22:18What?
22:30Forgive me.
22:32I was foolish.
22:34I should never have spoke of money.
22:36Take me.
22:38Fill me up as you did in
22:40Marrakesh.
22:42Plunder my garden,
22:44maiden.
22:46Take me.
22:48Oh, it's like mahogany.
22:58Begging your pardon,
23:00milady, I just wondered
23:02if I could speak to the gentleman.
23:06Well, this is highly
23:08irregular.
23:10Oh, I'm
23:12sorry, your ladyship.
23:16What?
23:18Be quick, child.
23:26Timmy.
23:28What the hell's going on?
23:30I know you're not Lord Palmerston.
23:32You're in
23:34grave danger.
23:36But there's been enough death
23:38in this house already. I can't let it
23:40go on.
23:42Tippy, get my phone.
23:44Okay, I'll get it.
23:46You dance with the lady.
23:48Yeah, good girl.
24:04Tippy?
24:06What are you doing?
24:08I came back here last and I put the hands in
24:10toaster. Is that what you want, girl?
24:12Toasted hands?
24:14Let the girl in, I say!
24:24Get back in there, you
24:26swine.
24:28Lady Royce, we have an
24:30imposter in our midst.
24:34Whatever do you mean, judge?
24:36This is not
24:38Viscount Palmerston.
24:42Oh! Well, who
24:44the hell are you?
24:46This villain has fooled us all.
24:48I'm very sorry, your
24:50ladyship, but his disguise was
24:52flawless. Please
24:54put the gun down.
24:56I say we do him
24:58here and now.
25:00Who the hell are you? Jibbers, that's not helpful.
25:02Jibbers? You've got a fucking dove.
25:04Don't use that kind of language in front of
25:06a ladyship or I'll blow that dirty mouth
25:08clean off. Your ladyship,
25:10I think that might be the best option.
25:12Yes, Mrs. Barton, I feel
25:14you may be right. Oh, I can't
25:16watch. Watch what?
25:20Please! Put the gun
25:22down. No, I can help.
25:24I can help all of you.
25:26It's a trick.
25:28Just finish him.
25:30Tippy! Just get on with it, judge.
25:32Tippy! Tippy, come back!
25:34Just get on with it, man!
25:36No, please, Tippy! I'm
25:38trying. Tippy!
25:40I don't want to
25:42watch. Tippy!
25:44Come back!
25:46No! No!
25:54Tippy,
25:56thank God.
25:58There is no
26:00Tippy.
26:02There is no
26:04anyone.
26:06Well,
26:08I dread to ask who you are.
26:10I'm Sue.
26:26Did you call them, then?
26:28The police.
26:30I had to.
26:32How did you end up here?
26:34The house? Yeah.
26:38It's on me post round.
26:40We used to
26:42live here all the time.
26:44How did you end up living here?
26:46I knew this place was empty.
26:48I just thought that it'd be good
26:50for a while, you know?
26:52Just till I got meself
26:54together. And to be honest,
26:56I just watched too much television.
27:04What happened
27:06with the estate agent? Did you...
27:10I'll have to tell him.
27:18I couldn't let him sell it.
27:20I've got nowhere else to go.
27:22I know people
27:24who are...
27:26They'll give you a nice new
27:28house.
27:30They'll let you help in the kitchen.
27:32I'll make
27:34battered rabbit.
27:38Baby.
27:54Baby.
28:14Right.
28:16Did you get the pin? Yeah.
28:18Just come and get me.
28:20Nothing's wrong. The van's just broken down.
28:22Yes, again. She had a gun.
28:24No, a real one this time.
28:26Are you laughing? Just come and get me, will you?
28:52THE END