It's Friday and Frank is nowhere to be seen, which is a bit odd as it's Giro day; he never goes missing on Giro day. The family start a manhunt and panic sets in when a body is found in the canal. Frank eventually turns up in Calais with no passport and no clue as to how he got there, but Fiona gets suspicious when she notices that her new man is smoking fancy French cigarettes.
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TVTranscript
00:00Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good
00:14home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of, because every single
00:21one of them reminds me a little of me. They can all think for themselves, which they've
00:26me to thank for. Fiona, who's a massive help. Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
00:34nobody calls him Philip any more. Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,
00:39because she's disappeared into thin air. And Carl, we dare let him grow his hair for two
00:44reasons. One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, and it's loving. Debbie,
00:50sent by God, total angel. You have to check your chains, but she'll go miles out of her
00:54way to do you a favour. Plus, Liam, couldn't be a star once we've got the fits under control.
01:01Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not. Fantastic neighbours, Kev and
01:09Veronica, lend you anything. Well, not anything. All of them to a man. No, first and foremost,
01:16one of the most vital necessities in this life is to know how to throw a party. Scatter!
01:37You know when you drop a pen, and you know where you dropped it, but it's just not there?
01:43That's how mum vanished. Went for a loaf. Never seen since. Dad did a superb job of
01:51taking on the role of both our parents. Did sod all. Twice over. You'd think, wouldn't
02:00you, that two times zero would be no loss at all. But I think that old saying's true.
02:06You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
02:09Lip, kettle, come on. I'll do that.
02:13It's all right. You sit down.
02:15Hey, food!
02:16No vinegar. Who's no vinegar?
02:17Me!
02:18Er, fish.
02:19That batter.
02:20Me! Come on, shift up, mate. Room for littling. Oi, oi, oi. Only if you finish your chips.
02:32Come on.
02:33Er, who's this?
02:34Karen.
02:35Hiya.
02:36Nice top.
02:37What size are you?
02:38Shh!
02:39Shut up!
02:40Billy, have a drink. Go on, have one!
02:49Jes, pat a dog. Wouldn't you, Dudley?
03:07The Blair-Brown government came to power promising to redress Britain's position in the European
03:10League tables on poverty, but debates in the House of Commons today could seriously affect
03:15the way one in three of this country's families may have to live for the worse.
03:22Get your dog to see the rabbit, mate.
03:26Four kip and add the wage. What am I supposed to do for food? I've got a single pound of
03:39benefit by 30%.
03:40You all right, Frank?
03:41I mean...
03:42You OK?
03:43Is that my T-shirt?
03:44Yeah. I just... I just meant... What happened?
03:45Jesus, Frank!
03:46Walk in a pub, Tom. Pass it on. Come on, see how I keep your filthy little dick away from
03:56his daughter.
03:57You're pissed, Frank. Don't do this to your kids.
03:59This is piss.
04:00Dad, leave it. Steve, just go.
04:01Debbie, no.
04:02Hey.
04:03Oi!
04:04No, get him out of here, now. You're pathetic, mate.
04:06Big lad, Steve. You're a big lad now, dear.
04:07Can I go, Steve?
04:08Yeah, look at him, shitting himself.
04:09You're a total waste of organs, Frank.
04:10I mean it, Steve. Get out now!
04:11You should have twatted him back.
04:12If you ever do that, I'll kill him.
04:25If you ever do that, I'll kill him.
04:26So, seven years for murder, get laid as often as you want, tattoos, everything, get heaven.
04:55Yeah.
05:26How's it going, Conrad?
05:38Oh, not so bad, you know.
05:39Surely any better?
05:40I'm still pissed off about being sectioned, but what can I do, Veronica?
05:43Once we got my mum in there, she looked ten years younger.
05:46What ward's she on?
05:47Sixteen.
05:48Oh, well, she'll look about thirty years younger then.
05:52I only live so long.
05:55Seven, she's nine.
05:58Oh, I live.
06:00No one who surely ever gets out.
06:02See you later.
06:22I'm horny.
06:23I'm horny, horny, horny tonight.
06:24I'm horny.
06:25I'm horny, horny, horny tonight.
06:26I'm horny.
06:27I'm horny, horny, horny tonight.
06:28Samson Pickle turned to his mum with a tear in his eye and said,
06:30You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
06:54There's no point in...
06:56..doing this, right?
07:04THEY CHANT
07:07You don't have to walk, you've got to make it.
07:10You don't have to walk, you've got to make it.
07:14You don't have to walk, you've got to make it.
07:18You don't have to walk, you've got to make it.
07:22Walk till he's tall.
07:24Walk till he's tall.
07:26Evening, campers.
07:28How you doing, man?
07:30Good to see you.
07:32Not bad. Bet you hate it when that happens.
07:34They're his tits.
07:36It's the only reason he does eggs. He just licked them.
07:39With a stonking abscess, so a bit more protein than you banked on, Steve.
07:47Hiya.
07:49Sorry about last night.
07:57Aye. Look, Brooklyn Beckham's a yardstick on this one. Never apologise for your parents.
08:03She can get rid of this.
08:04Has anyone seen Dad since last night?
08:22He was asleep behind the city.
08:29It's a tent.
08:30Why have we got a bleeding tent behind the city?
08:36Drying it out. I'm off camping next week.
08:37My bum.
08:38I thought it was Dad. I left him a cup of tea this morning. I thought I heard him say,
08:47Thanks, Debs.
08:48Hang on tight. Hang on tight.
09:04Sorry. Came in the back way.
09:10You're not the only one.
09:12Kev, was my dad in the jockey this afternoon?
09:16No.
09:17Oh.
09:18Did he come back to the pub last night?
09:19Aye.
09:20Footy till nine. Huck was till ten. Scrapping by half past. Police turned up and, yeah,
09:21Frank was there. But he was slaughtered. I mean, slaughtered.
09:22Thanks.
09:23Go on, Kev. Go on. Hang on. You hang on tight. We're going to the moon.
09:24Hey, Ted, it's Liz. Have you seen your dad?
09:25No.
09:26Is Dad in?
09:27No.
09:28No.
09:29No.
09:30No.
09:31No.
09:32No.
09:33No.
09:34No.
09:35No.
09:36No.
09:37No.
09:38No.
09:39No.
09:40No.
09:41No.
09:42No.
09:43No.
09:44No.
09:45No.
09:46Is Dad yours?
09:47Stay in a day.
09:48Aya, Wendy. Veronica.
09:49Yes, sir.
09:50Cleaning services.
09:51No, we're just worried about him.
09:52Well, ex-cleaning services.
09:53Hello.
09:54Erica's there.
09:55Um, Carol's daughter.
09:56Is that Gallagher?
09:57Kev Barnes' girlfriend.
09:58Yes.
09:59Bought your Skybox off it, so you can go to Magaluf.
10:00Yeah.
10:01Aya, listen, you didn't have any admissions through casualty last night, did you? Name
10:02of Gallagher?
10:03Black hair, blue eyes, scruffy, a bit mental.
10:04Come check the computer for us, could you, Wendy? Cheers.
10:05admission to casualty last night, did you? Name of Gallagher. Black hair, blue eyes,
10:10scruffy, a bit mental. Couldn't check the computer for us, could you, Wendy? Cheers.
10:22Hello? Veronica? Hello? Are you there? Veronica?
10:31Wendy? Oh, Wendy, hiya. Oh, you haven't? Oh, never mind. Thanks anyway.
10:39No. Oh, do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?
10:43Oi! What is your problem?
10:46Needing to ring the bookies before I go to work. No phone, I look for mobile, vanished.
10:50I lent you mobile to lip so we could ring round, see if anybody knew where Frank was.
10:54Oh, right, so both my bills have been run up next door?
10:56Oh, your bills, hello.
10:57Why don't they get a frigging phone?
10:59No frigging money!
11:00Yeah, well, me neither at this rate, V.
11:02Ah, you tight-arse gimp. Frank is missing and you, you need to see somebody, you bloody weird.
11:06Most normal blokes fall asleep after sex, but not Kev-O, no.
11:09Well, if it makes you this knacky, forget it. Forget sex altogether, cos I am sick of this.
11:16Freak!
11:17You can't fault Frank as a missing person.
11:19Why not?
11:20He's always missing.
11:21That is what I said. What if he's just kicked round the mates?
11:26He hasn't. And who'd give him a bed? He just hasn't.
11:29Oh, come on, Fiona, we found him in wheelie bins before now.
11:32Never on a Friday.
11:34And what's Friday got to do with it?
11:36Gyro day.
11:37I hadn't realised it were a Friday.
11:41Let's get the desk, Sergeant.
11:43What was Frank last wearing?
11:57Hello.
12:04Shove it up your arse, Kev, and no more favours from me like filling in your fake insurance claims
12:08cos you're too thick to do it yourself.
12:10Whoa, lip, lip!
12:12Wait!
12:13Lip, whoa, whoa, whoa, look, look, look.
12:16He can't be far, he's never far.
12:18I know, but it's Friday.
12:21Oh, right.
12:23Oh, Jesus.
12:24Look, Jez, Frank Gallagher, was he on his tub when we turfed him out last night?
12:28Name me one person who he seen dead with him in that state.
12:31Yes, love?
12:32Steve had shut off by then, so he definitely wasn't.
12:35Which Steve?
12:36Has anyone seen Frank the plant since last night?
12:38Which Steve?
12:40Steve, Steve, Fiona's bloke.
12:42What, in here?
12:43Yeah, talking to your dad. Pleasant enough.
12:46Well, fuck.
12:55Come on, come on.
13:01Is that Belly Street Bridge?
13:03I broke my collarbone falling down them steps
13:06after me very first taste of another woman's tongue.
13:18Again, Debbie.
13:25This afternoon.
13:27Stupid cow, telling her that.
13:29It won't be him, sweetheart, or the police would have known by now.
13:32I will deck that bloody number.
13:34I ought to smack him with that curtain rail. I'll go around later.
13:37Does that even sound like your dad?
13:39Why would he be walking towards the canal if he lives in the opposite direction?
13:43Depends.
13:44How was he looking when you left him in the jockey, Steve?
13:47When?
13:49Uh, about nine-ish.
13:52I went over to apologise for the barley.
13:54Bought my drink, we made friends, and I shot off home.
13:58Why didn't you say?
13:59Well, it's all for half an hour tops.
14:01I wasn't the last to, how's that helpful?
14:03Kev, when I left the jockey, was Frank bladdered or not?
14:07No.
14:08No.
14:09Can I borrow you for a sec?
14:13It's South Broadham!
14:15Police bombing!
14:16Can't see anybody!
14:18It's South Broadham! Police bombing!
14:21Let's go.
14:27It's all right.
14:30Oh, Jesus.
14:39Oh, bloody hell.
14:42How do we help?
14:44That's sick.
14:46Sick bastard.
14:50Police PR bank, put shits on public!
14:52Police PR bank, put shits on public!
14:54How long can you stay?
14:56Police PR bank, put shits on public!
14:58Police PR bank, put shits on public!
15:01I'm just a male.
15:03CHEERING
15:11HE SIGHS
15:15HE SIGHS
15:17HE SIGHS
15:21HE SIGHS
15:23HE SIGHS
15:25HE SIGHS
15:27HE SIGHS
15:35HE SIGHS
15:42Have you got the time on you?
15:45Got the time?
15:48Got time on you?
15:51Fine, fine.
15:53Fuck you.
16:00HE WHIMPERS
16:03Oh!
16:18HE WHIMPERS
16:25Maybe I've had a stroke.
16:29Last I remember, I'm walking up Belvedere Road,
16:33Paddy Kingfrey's going,
16:35Night Frank, I go, Night Paddy.
16:38I mean, this is beyond me.
16:40How the fuck did you lot get here?
16:42Well, we were back here.
16:44No, no, I haven't got a clue how I got here.
16:47Carte d'identité.
16:49What? Passport.
16:51Oh, but you're not listening to a word, are you?
16:54I haven't got a passport.
16:56I've never had a passport.
16:59I don't want a passport.
17:04Who said that?
17:10Oh, man, thank you.
17:12Just tell him, will you? Just tell him!
17:35What is it you need to say first?
17:38My name's Frank Gallagher.
17:41I live at 2 Windsor Gardens, Stretford.
17:57I'm scared cos I haven't a clue what happened last night.
18:03I'm picking myself here, you know.
18:12HE SPEAKS FRENCH
18:29No. I know.
18:31Frank? In France? I know.
18:34Well, Calais, so only just.
18:36How?
18:38The embassy just says he's admitting to drugs charges.
18:40But that's before they've accused him,
18:42so they're rightly thinking Ed the ball.
18:44They're charging him? No, they won't rid.
18:46He'll be escorted through a tunnel about 6 in the morning.
18:48When will you get him back here? We can't.
18:50Not unless you're shelling out for a car and officers fetch him.
18:53You could get him. We could nip across on a day ticket,
18:55pick up some booze like how Kirsty does.
18:57Could I fuck? Because...
18:59Tom, no offence.
19:02HE HUMS
19:04The car's not insured. Tax this a photocopy
19:07and the shockers won't get us past Asda.
19:09HE HUMS
19:11Right, Tom.
19:13I actually grabbed a shower. I was coming back round.
19:43Vex, can you...?
19:53Who's she?
19:55She's a tenant.
19:57What's up?
19:59How did you get my dad to France?
20:01HE CHUCKLES
20:03It's me. Are you serious? Me.
20:07French health warnings.
20:10Boot of the car.
20:12How did you get him in the boot?
20:14He saw off his face and jumped in a coffin.
20:16He went back out with just a tenner?
20:18Yeah, and I gave him a 20 and a few tabs.
20:20Why France?
20:22My sister lives in Folkestone. I was going down to see the new kid.
20:24Idea was, just drop your dad somewhere weird.
20:26And then I saw these signs for the Channel Tunnel
20:29and the idea just kind of...
20:31just kind of snowballed.
20:33And that's funny, Steve.
20:35Not really funny. Would have been Bosnia.
20:37He took a swing at you?
20:39No, because he's got a family he doesn't deserve
20:41and he needs a wake-up call before he wrecks all your lives.
20:43Bollocks, cos you haven't the guts to just whack him back.
20:45Look, I don't do violence.
20:47What my dad is and what my family is
20:49has got fuck all to do with somebody like you!
20:53Bastard!
21:01Sorry. Can I just...?
21:03Oh, no.
21:05It's just that I've got to be out in a quarter of an hour, so...
21:17Oi!
21:19You took him there! You get him back!
21:21OK.
21:33Right, right, see what I can do.
21:35Do you have any CDs for under a five?
21:37We get us five, but only chart.
21:39Take his birth certificate
21:41in case they need it for identification.
21:45Right, right, see what I can do.
21:47Hey, Steve, Steve, tow bar's on.
21:49Yeah, I've got ten cases of lager for my dad.
21:51No, no way lager. The only booze I'm bringing back is ours.
21:53Hang on a minute, who's this?
21:55Listen, listen!
21:57Shut up, listen!
21:59Police? I've just found a body.
22:01Exactly fitting. Thanks.
22:03Description.
22:07I knew it! I knew it!
22:09I dreamt it! I dreamt he was dead!
22:11Listen, don't...
22:13Has nobody told her?
22:15They found him, Debs. Dad's coming home.
22:17You know, he was a joke, sweetheart.
22:19He's in France.
22:21He's OK. Steve and Kevin
22:23and Veronica are off to get him, aren't you?
22:25Yeah. What's he doing in France?
22:27Look, we'll have him home for morning.
22:29I promise. I'm really sorry we scared you, Debs.
22:31I'm really, really sorry.
22:33The joke was
22:35it wasn't a bloke,
22:37it were three bags of rags, so they knew it couldn't be French straight away.
22:39Cos the socks match!
22:47Steve!
22:59Well, no way am I pulling that fucking monstrosity.
23:01Is the Steve bloke
23:03a fixture now, then?
23:05Just somebody I met.
23:07Right.
23:09I'm wondering
23:11where that leaves me, then, Fiona.
23:13You?
23:15What?
23:17Me, with you.
23:19Tony.
23:21We had a great night out.
23:23Great mates, great laugh.
23:25Sex.
23:27That's it.
23:29Oh, come on.
23:31That's the old point, innit?
23:33One night stand, no strings.
23:35I don't know.
23:37I don't know.
23:39I don't know.
23:41I don't know.
23:43I don't know.
23:45I don't know.
23:47No strings.
23:49You were me first.
23:53First one night stand,
23:55or first...
23:57The first.
23:59I only got circumcised when I was 18, so he set me back.
24:01Way back.
24:03So if you really want to take the piss, spread that around.
24:05Hey.
24:07If that was your first,
24:09you weren't half bad.
24:13Thanks.
24:17There you are.
24:19No place like home, eh, Frank?
24:21Sweetheart.
24:23We've been missed.
24:25We've been missed.
24:27Come on.
24:29Come on.
24:31Come on.
24:33Come on.
24:35Come on.
24:37Come on.
24:39Come on.
24:41Come on.
24:43Come on.
24:45Come on.
24:47Come on.
24:49Come on.
24:51Come on.
24:53Come on.
24:55Come on.
24:57Come on.
24:59Come on.
25:01Come on.
25:03Come on.
25:05Come on.
25:07Come on.
25:09Come on.
25:11Come on.
25:13Come on.
25:23Come on.
25:25Come on.
25:43You're decent. I got you this. It's from France. I asked Veronica to get it for us.
26:04I don't want nothing French in this house.
26:11There's no hot water.
26:13What?
26:15Oh, for fuck's sake!
26:17Your gyro.
26:19When it's Saturday, the post office closes at 12.
26:22Is he still here?
26:23Steve? No, he's just nipped home to get changed.
26:26I'll tell him not to bother coming back.
26:28Dad, he's just spent 500 quid bailing you out.
26:31And why would he do that?
26:33When I woke up in France, in a park,
26:37looking like a fucking dusser,
26:39but like a smell with air freshener.
26:41Middle of a park, orange air freshener.
26:44I've just spent five hours in his car.
26:47Same fucking smell.
26:52He did this.
27:04I wish he'd taken a camera.
27:06With you in the pictures.
27:08Total shithole.
27:10Hey, definition of French foreplay.
27:17Bet he's the only one that missed me.
27:19No, cos Karl said,
27:21the gas is gone, where's the players?
27:23And Lip said that Dad's the only one
27:25who knows how to do the metre.
27:29Did you see Paris?
27:31Did you see Paris?
27:32Yeah.
27:33The Eiffel Tower?
27:35Christ, yeah.
27:37But, you know,
27:39you can see right across France from the top.
27:43Yeah.
27:44I didn't stay up too long, though.
27:46Don't know what the French birds are into,
27:48but they couldn't keep their eyes off me.
27:50They're looking at me like,
27:51hey, I am Aventz, this guy.
27:54Well, I've got a bit of nerve, so I legged it back down.
27:58Well, I mean, bits of France are gorgeous,
28:00but you've just got to know your way about.
28:02Do you now?
28:04Every inch.
28:07I have to cash my giro.
28:08Do us a brief when I get back.
28:10OK.
28:15Look, he can't play.
28:17He does.
28:18And even if he doesn't, he thinks you did it.
28:21So it makes no odds.
28:22But I gave him three, he's not a clone.
28:24Mum said, don't use more than two,
28:27or you won't know your own name for a week.
28:29Your mum was in on this?
28:31Yeah.
28:32No, she prescribed the Zoppa clone for me.
28:36She's a doctor?
28:38Yeah.
28:39Mum, Dad, brothers, sister, they all are.
28:42We're the medical equivalent of a battery farm.
28:44Me included, if I hadn't have run a mile.
28:46I quit medical school two years in.
28:49I am that DIY plane from Chicken Run.
28:52You walked away from that?
28:54Yeah, sprinted away from that.
28:56The vain hope of finding some personality
28:58that wasn't a carbon copy of my father's.
29:00So you nick cars for a living?
29:03I do what I chose to do.
29:06And my dad's the waste of organs.
29:09Hang on.
29:11Hang on.
29:12I've apologised.
29:13I've done what you asked and I've put things right.
29:15Even the choices you've had,
29:16it's a bit rich that you don't like other people living with heirs,
29:19innit, Steve?
29:27Hi!
29:30A couple of days till I find a flat.
29:32No way, Frank.
29:33I promised the wife never again we'd to burn that mattress.
29:36Oh, come on, pal.
29:37It was supposed to be mate's.
29:38I'll keep it on the floor.
29:39Definitely not.
29:40We've carpets now.
29:46I'm sorry.
29:47I'm sorry.
29:48I'm sorry.
29:49I'm sorry.
29:50I'm sorry.
29:51I'm sorry.
29:52I'm sorry.
29:53I'm sorry.
29:54I'm sorry.
29:55I'm sorry.
30:00Are you off?
30:02If you don't want to take the piss, carry on,
30:03carry on without me!
30:05Nobody is.
30:06I don't like the way I've been talked to these days.
30:08Without what?
30:09When can I have this, dad?
30:10When can I buy it?
30:11When can I buy that, that?
30:12I'll stick some yak yak fucking yak!
30:14Never mind I'm a single parent.
30:15Never mind.
30:16You won't be here without me.
30:17Surround sound bitching's all the thanks I get.
30:20My dad, we know that.
30:21Money's hard.
30:22I can only stretch it so far.
30:24Do you know how much we spend a week on shopping?
30:26A lot, that's how much.
30:2745 quid, going to Pace 25, me and Ian go a tenner each.
30:31Yeah, plus gas, plus electric, rent.
30:33All covered in your gyro.
30:34Fair, right.
30:35127 a week.
30:37Oh, there's no way, you haven't got a clue, have you?
30:39Do you know how much you spend a week in the jockey?
30:41Hey, none of your business.
30:43Roughly 80.
30:45Oh, that's Kev in it, my mate.
30:47Kev giving it that behind me back.
30:49Yeah, well, he's pissed on his own ships.
30:50You see what he does to his wages when I boycott the jockey?
30:53Go where?
30:53Crown.
30:54You're barred.
30:55Crosslands.
30:55Barred.
30:57Elmo's head.
30:58Cut the torch to Fortnighter back.
31:02I don't need Kev to tell me, I check your wallet every night.
31:05See, see.
31:07Come on.
31:10Ah, Frank.
31:13Our French Frank, they're calling you on the radio.
31:16Like an eclipse.
31:17Britain went dark without you.
31:18I'm stuck for a bed, George.
31:20Oh, come in the man, and fill us in on the gaps, eh?
31:24He's going home.
31:47You've forgotten you owe him money.
31:50Everybody thinks I own fucking money.
31:54I think she flogged his telly.
31:57I'd be nothing but a friend to that thick-haired of his dick.
32:01I know you sold his telly, too.
32:02I won't say it twice.
32:03Go home.
32:05What?
32:05I won't say it twice.
32:08All right, so people are laughing at you.
32:11But they only thought France was a laugh
32:13once they knew you were safe.
32:14The T-shirt I want is mug.
32:17I didn't fuck off like your mum did.
32:18I could have shot off and let the council sort you out.
32:20I didn't.
32:22And pubs weren't...
32:24Ask anyone.
32:25Odd pint, that was it.
32:26Three pints of you on the floor.
32:28Brandy made me puke.
32:29Whiskey gave me a headache.
32:31They all took the piss then,
32:32because I couldn't knock it back.
32:34So you can't win.
32:36Your mum fucks off.
32:37You're all looking at me.
32:39Six kids.
32:41Kids to keep on top of.
32:44You've never had to do stuff before.
32:46Massive clothes for school.
32:49Massive.
32:50Having to pick it up as you go along.
32:52Massive.
32:53And I find out my dad's sending her money,
32:55because he's always had a soft spot for her.
32:57So I know he's saying it's my fault.
32:59Proving it by giving me...
33:01What?
33:03Fuck off.
33:04He wouldn't even babysit.
33:06One long headache,
33:09because people are looking at me like I'm fucking up.
33:12Which I am.
33:14I mean, you can't do right for doing wrong.
33:16What is the point?
33:18Get a few pints down here.
33:20You know, getting around in, getting another...
33:22Nobody's buying you one bag, and they never will.
33:25You're shelled out for hundreds.
33:26Not one bag!
33:31But, while you're getting them in,
33:34you're having a laugh.
33:36I mean, that's all you need, isn't it?
33:42You know, people laughing,
33:44people talking, anything.
33:46So long as it's not sounding like six winking fucking kids
33:49you never wanted in the first place.
33:51Fuck a lot of them.
33:53Get used to the headaches.
34:08Ooh, casca-voo-voo, les monsieurs.
34:11Fight a bit and a couple of these.
34:15Oh, twisted Jesus.
34:18Kill me.
34:24I don't know you, Frank,
34:26but it occurred to me that me and you are the victims here.
34:29Two hard-working, God-fearing men.
34:34We raise children in a straight line,
34:36with discipline and God's good guidance.
34:40Our carrom were only 12 when I heard of using this heatwork.
34:44And on a Sunday.
34:46Fuck.
34:48Beth.
34:50How did I, a man who said 16 years ago
34:52I want to work for God in Africa?
34:55Big place, big work.
34:58How did I end up with a woman
35:00whose only pleasures are sex,
35:03TV cookery
35:04and drawing maximum benefits from the cash-strapped state?
35:09Hundreds of weeks, yes.
35:10Hundreds!
35:11For what?
35:14Being agoraphobic.
35:16I don't know where Sheila's dignity's gone.
35:19Or whether she ever had any.
35:23Or whether I just kidded myself all along.
35:27Her world's about this big,
35:28and the less she does, the more they pay her.
35:33Well, I've done it now.
35:35I've left her.
35:36But I refuse to be sorry, because...
35:39Because...
35:40SHE SNIFFLES
35:46It's like...
35:48It's like cruel to be kind.
35:55From the church, you've had it?
35:57No, er...
35:59They're for you, Sheila.
36:02You know, by way of an apology.
36:04Apology? For what?
36:07Er...
36:08Well, not... Not apology, just...
36:12I'm Frank.
36:15Ian's dad.
36:16Lip's dad.
36:19Oh, they're twins.
36:21No.
36:23No, I just... I heard about your bit of bother, you know.
36:27Eddie and all that.
36:29Well, it's just to say that, you know,
36:31not everybody thinks it's hilarious.
36:35You take no notice.
36:37That's very neighbourly of you.
36:40Come in.
36:42Frank.
36:47You have to take your shoes off!
36:53Built-in house, Sheila.
36:56Feels big without him.
36:59What, you want to come round ours?
37:02Can't shift for kids, six of them.
37:04That must be nice.
37:07Yeah, well, it's great when they're little, you know,
37:09but they're all growing up now.
37:12I mean, you miss that company, don't you,
37:15when they're all off out all the time?
37:18House on your own.
37:22Well, no, I mean, I love time to meself,
37:26you know, but, er...
37:29I mean, there are limits.
37:31I mean, there are limits.
37:36Hey.
37:38Hey, come on, Frank.
37:41Preaching to the converted here.
37:45I've not been out of the house for five years.
37:48Five years?
37:49I can't. I've got an overwhelming fear of...
37:54Oh, God.
37:57I've got agoraphobia.
37:59I thought...
38:00I'm really sorry, Frank. I know I'm daft about shoes,
38:03but feet have to fit in this stinktie, haven't they?
38:07Oh, God, Sheila, sorry.
38:09Sorry, I'll bugger off out of your way. Sorry!
38:12You see, again, by the time you get to the bathroom,
38:15hot water, gone.
38:16I tried running a bath when I got back from France.
38:18Hot water, gone.
38:20It's always muggins having to boil kettles.
38:24With hot water?
38:25Hey, congratulations!
38:27In case you wanted a bath.
38:31Here?
38:33Where in France?
38:47Frank?
38:48Frank?
38:49There are clothes out here.
38:51Stuck yours in the wash, so I hope they fit.
38:57Sorry, Sheila, not enough.
38:59You must be exhausted.
39:01Oh, how do you miss them?
39:02Not unless the shed's full of stone.
39:05And Christ, them barrelled.
39:09You're quite lean, aren't you?
39:11Yeah, I can go for about three days without food.
39:13Suits you.
39:17Anyway, they're yours if you want them.
39:19Oh, Jesus!
39:22So, yeah.
39:25Something I haven't seen for a long time.
39:30Eddie's only just left, hasn't he?
39:35I've never seen Eddie's.
39:37Always had to be pitch black for Eddie.
39:40Saw an outline once during a thunderstorm.
39:43Like a pair of shoes.
39:45Saw an outline once during a thunderstorm.
39:48Like a pair of rolled-up socks.
39:52Thought you must be over the moon with a chap like this.
39:57I'll get her.
39:59Desperate Daisy.
40:00Hey, if desperate's a crime,
40:03I'm a lifer, Sheila.
40:07Give it a feel if you're tempted.
40:11Now I'll embarrass myself.
40:14Nobody here complaining.
40:26It's OK, sweetheart.
40:28Take your time.
40:36You're not looking after each other at all, are you?
40:38It's a bit tight, that, Sheila.
40:40Oh, fuck!
40:41No, hang on, Sheila, because I can't see a thing here.
40:58If I'm embarrassing myself,
41:00you're doing it right.
41:04Oh, yeah.
41:08So, tell me, how does she...?
41:10Oh, that is tight.
41:12No, ow.
41:16I hope I said Sagittarius was in for a quiet week.
41:23So, just tell us...
41:25No, no, oh, way too tight.
41:36I changed my mind.
41:38Sheila.
41:40It's just a jump, that's all.
41:44I'm getting a panic attack here.
41:47No!
41:49No, honest to God.
41:51I'm struggling to breathe here.
41:53Oh, you're big.
41:55Oh, you're in for...
41:57Relax, Frank.
41:58I said, relax.
42:02Not that much.
42:03It's...
42:06It's...
42:08It's fucking vanished.
42:11Give it time.
42:13There's plenty.
42:17Oh.
42:20Yeah.
42:21See?
42:23A smile for me.
42:25Yeah, OK.
42:27Yeah.
42:28OK.
42:29It's been over a year.
42:33That's not a smile.
42:35I don't know what is.
42:43And if he smiles,
42:45we all smile.
42:46And if he smiles,
42:48we all smile.
43:05Sit yourself down.
43:11When did this get done?
43:12Nipped down and stuck the chops on a low light about seven.
43:15Snuck back about ten to peel the spuds.
43:18What time is it?
43:21For fuck's sake, what did you slip as?
43:23It's just natural tiredness, Frank.
43:26It's probably jet lag.
43:29You weren't asleep.
43:31Just staring.
43:35Look at the good it's done you.
43:37Look like you've got blusher on.
43:38Yeah.
44:06I haven't got one.
44:08PHONE RINGS
44:10Are you contract or pay-as-you-go?
44:12PHONE RINGS
44:19Hello?
44:21BABY CRIES
44:38I'm the only child my father's scared of
44:40because I'm the total opposite.
44:43Because I wanted to be.
44:45MUSIC PLAYS
44:49You're...
44:51You're kind of...
44:53You're kind of mean to skirt.
44:55And I don't honestly believe we could get this lucky twice.
45:00Anyway...
45:03Skirt or no skirt.
45:07These are for you.
45:08For you.
45:34Reactions to the loss were mixed.
45:36Debbie missed him like mad.
45:38Until she realised he was only a walk away
45:41and Sheila was lovely.
45:43Right, now it's... Go on, go on now.
45:45That's good. Go on now.
45:47Dad would need skivvies wherever he ended up.
45:50He was in parasite heaven.
45:53Returning only on Fridays, 8 to 8.30.
45:56Bringing new-found parenting skills back to the homestead.
46:02Every time it looked like this family was falling apart
46:04the next time you looked
46:06we doubled the numbers.
46:08Sheila's wasn't Sheila's anymore.
46:10It was where Dad lived.
46:12It was his house.
46:14Dad and Sheila's.
46:16Part of the Gallagher colony.
46:18We'd always be welcome
46:20so long as money wasn't an issue.
46:22That seem fair enough?
46:25Because we got more floor space to ourselves.
46:28MUSIC PLAYS
46:34MUSIC CONTINUES
46:44Near the top, Deb.
46:46Bit of bird shit.
46:49There, on the right.
46:52More up. Yeah, more on the right.
46:55Now watch the ladder.
46:57All right, if you can't be good
46:59start saving.
47:01LAUGHS
47:02COUGHS
47:04MUSIC CONTINUES
47:13Me and Ken are getting married!
47:16You can't fake it.
47:18We'll still be married.
47:20It's more than legal.
47:22Maniac.
47:24He came at me.
47:26He's going to burn down the bleeding house.
47:28I wasn't intending a divorce.
47:30SCREAMS
47:32MUSIC CONTINUES
48:02MUSIC CONTINUES
48:07You may remember a few weeks ago
48:09we showed you these.
48:11The Cuffs of Love.
48:13£6.99 and a bargain.
48:15The Cuffs were manufactured
48:17in Stoke-on-Trent
48:19but the faulty locking mechanism
48:21was illegally imported
48:23from North Korea
48:25without this channel's knowledge
48:27or approval.
48:29MUSIC CONTINUES
48:32MUSIC FADES