The.Cleaner.2021.S03E01
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00What's this for?
00:02Hm?
00:03This trophy, what's it for?
00:06100 metres.
00:07You can't move on.
00:09Yeah, and you're like a whippet, aren't you?
00:11You haven't even got legs.
00:12You've just strapped shoes to your torso stubs.
00:14There's a bloody football of all there.
00:17You've got a foot like a 50 pence piece.
00:19Oh, have I?
00:21What is this?
00:23Whoa, don't.
00:25Because that is a work of art.
00:27Yeah, but what is it?
00:29It's a key ring holder.
00:30I made it in year 10.
00:31Were you recovering from a car accident at the time?
00:33I don't even know which way up it goes.
00:35Oh, do not at all.
00:36I'll show you which way up it goes.
00:37It goes that way up.
00:38You can pop your keys to my flat on it on your way out if you like.
00:41If you can reach.
00:42Oh, you're not.
00:43Oh, you're the knob.
00:44And I'll see you later.
00:47See you.
00:48Love you.
00:58Love you.
01:14That is too much house.
01:18Bloody hell.
01:29Hello.
01:31Hello there.
01:32What are your parents about?
01:33My dad's here somewhere.
01:35Ah, right.
01:36I'm the crime scene cleaner.
01:38We don't just do murders.
01:39We do accidents as well.
01:41We do do murders, though.
01:42I'm so pleased you're here.
01:44I'm designing a get well soon card for the removal man
01:47who got hurt when the piano fell on him.
01:49Who made you do it?
01:50My dad.
01:51Oh, I see.
01:52I'm sorry.
01:53I'm sorry.
01:54I'm sorry.
01:55I'm sorry.
01:56My dad got hurt when the piano fell on him.
01:58Who made you do that?
01:59His dad.
02:00Accidents happen, right?
02:01Get over it.
02:02They think he might lose a hand.
02:03That is bad.
02:05He doesn't need hands.
02:16What a beast.
02:17Yeah.
02:18It's nice, isn't it?
02:20You're here to clean up the, um, you know?
02:23Yep.
02:24A working man called in by a rich man
02:26to clean up the blood of a working man.
02:28It was ever thus, my friend.
02:30It was ever thus.
02:32Well, it's a terrible accident.
02:34Oh, yeah.
02:35Some rich guy had to have a piano moved upstairs
02:37in his mansion accidentally.
02:39And where is he now?
02:40On the golf course.
02:41And where's his son?
02:43Bunking off.
02:44Safe in the knowledge he'll inherit all this.
02:48Well, he is half term.
02:50Hmm, yeah.
02:52How long you worked here?
02:53Got you washing cars and babysitting, have they?
02:56Minimum wage?
02:56Jackpot.
02:59Ah.
03:01Sorry, you seem to be a little bit confused.
03:05This is my house, and Danny's my son.
03:07He's on half term.
03:09Ah, ah, yeah, sorry.
03:12My girlfriend was taking the mickey out of me this morning.
03:13She unsettled me.
03:18Oh, my God.
03:19What?
03:20Wiki.
03:21Paul Wickstead?
03:22Justin.
03:25What is it, 30 years?
03:2640.
03:27Yeah, 40.
03:29That's incredible.
03:33Hang on a minute.
03:35This is your gaff?
03:40Oh, come on, I'll give you the tour.
03:44So we just moved in.
03:45This is the kitchen diner.
03:47Sorry, it's such a mess.
03:50Reception room.
03:51Another reception room.
03:53Don't really know what to do with this one.
03:55I'd probably put one of those football tables in it.
03:59Games room slash bar.
04:03The nook.
04:04The nook.
04:06And yeah, another bedroom.
04:08God, how many is that now?
04:09Eight.
04:11It's eight.
04:12Right, it's eight, yeah.
04:13Yeah.
04:15And of course, yeah, the swimming pool.
04:18Yeah.
04:19Okay.
04:20Yeah.
04:22Yeah.
04:25Yeah, I really loved London,
04:29but you know, it just gets to that stage in life,
04:32doesn't it, where you just want to come home?
04:34I remember your house, mate.
04:35This isn't coming home.
04:37Yeah, it is a little bit more spacious
04:39than the ones on Station Road,
04:40but where are you living now?
04:42Station Road.
04:44Oh, yeah, that's lovely houses.
04:48I'm in a flat.
04:50Yeah, it's lovely.
04:52How did you get all this?
04:53Do you know what?
04:54I just got lucky.
04:55Yeah, I made some investments in the early 90s
04:58and it just kind of blew up from there.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Can I have a supply?
05:02Oh, I haven't got any in, love,
05:03but tell you what, you go down the shops,
05:05I'll give you some money.
05:06Lucky boy.
05:07I used to have to do chores for my pocket money.
05:09Me too.
05:10My daddy works for Age Concern in his spare time.
05:13I pay him for the time it takes.
05:15Ah, tax bash back.
05:17Mm, no.
05:20Well done.
05:20It's awful that old people live alone.
05:23I sometimes have two of them.
05:25Oh, well, don't feed them any of your sprite.
05:27They'll puff their bladders up like a frog's throat.
05:31Go on.
05:33He's a lovely boy.
05:34Ah, he is, weirdly so.
05:37Yeah.
05:38Now, listen, mate,
05:38I would love to spend the morning catching up,
05:40but I've actually got a photographer coming over
05:42to do quite an embarrassing local boy-made good piece
05:45in the paper later, so...
05:47So you'd like the worker to get on.
05:49I understand you, it's understood, mate.
05:51Begging your pardon, sir, crack on.
05:53No, no, no, I was gonna say I could help you
05:55and we could keep on chatting
05:57and we'd get it done twice as quick.
05:58Oh, yeah.
06:00Oh, that'd be great.
06:01Cool.
06:12Must be strange,
06:14cleaning up blood all day.
06:16Yeah, I like it.
06:17Feels like you're making a difference, you know?
06:19Helping people to forget bad things.
06:22That's lovely.
06:22I suppose I just like giving back.
06:25That is so important.
06:27That's exactly why we set up
06:28the charitable wing of the company.
06:29Yeah.
06:30That balcony's knackered, you know?
06:31You won't be able to have your photo-loving up there.
06:33Oh, God, I know.
06:35I've been trying to find a carpenter to fix it,
06:37but I just don't know where to start.
06:42Dickie Dore, do you remember him from school?
06:45He's a carpenter.
06:45He drinks down the horse with me.
06:47Yes.
06:48Dickie, do you think he'd have time?
06:50Are you joking?
06:51He hasn't worked since lockdown.
06:53He's a total loser.
06:54You'd be doing him a favour.
06:55He was such a good lad.
06:57Yeah, well, manage your expectations.
06:59He's not taking it easy on the beers over the years.
07:02Or the pies.
07:03And he's divorced.
07:04I'll give him a ring.
07:05I'll pay him double time.
07:06No need for that, mate.
07:07He'll be grateful for the work, trust me.
07:09I've just got to call the wife, okay?
07:13Dickie, it's me.
07:15Listen, you're not going to believe this.
07:16I'm down at Justin Chappell's new gaff.
07:18And somehow he's loaded now.
07:19Listen, he's got a job for you.
07:20Get your tools, come down.
07:22Do your best to look pleased for him.
07:23Well, come down first to see if you are pleased for him
07:25before you say you're going to be pleased for him.
07:27Dickie, just get your tools and come down.
07:43Hey, Dickie!
07:45Hey!
07:48Dickie, how are you?
07:50This place is mental, mate.
07:51I knew you'd be the one.
07:53I knew you'd crack it.
07:55Yeah, some people get all the luck, don't they?
07:57Well, it's nothing to do with luck.
07:58He always had the gift, this one.
08:01So proud of you, lad.
08:03You look exactly the same.
08:05What?
08:06In a hall of mirrors, maybe.
08:07Hey, I've given Marnie a ring.
08:09She's going to come down and say hello.
08:11Marnie Price?
08:12I would love to see her.
08:14Is she still singing?
08:15Yeah, for a living now.
08:16Oh, I am so pleased.
08:19She has such a wonderful voice.
08:20Oh, she's singing, is she?
08:21Last I heard, she was working down Ladbrokes, lads.
08:23Come on.
08:24Hey, I nearly got the whole gang back together.
08:27What are we doing, then?
08:28Oh, well, it's just the banister upstairs.
08:31Look, I'm so pleased you can do this.
08:33I'm willing to pay.
08:33Mate's right for you, Justin.
08:35Let's have a loshie.
08:37Just with the job.
08:39Lower your expectations a bit.
08:40He's been on the pot for a few years.
08:43I'm sure it's going to be great.
08:44He was always the practical one of the gang.
08:46Hey, remember that keyhole he made in woodwork?
08:49That was a work of bloody art, mate.
08:51He had extra time, though, didn't he?
08:52Because of his dyslexia.
08:53Yeah.
08:57Hello.
08:58Hi.
09:00Me and your dad used to do big burp competitions
09:03after drinking them, you know?
09:04Before he was a big fancy businessman.
09:06Oh, we still do big burp contests now?
09:08Someone else is here.
09:11Such a wicked day.
09:14You and I could have a big burp contest later if you like.
09:17Yeah, whatever.
09:33Wicked.
09:36Bloody hell, man, you having a break then?
09:38Eh?
09:38What the hell's all this?
09:40Oh, I'm a pink impersonator.
09:44You're a pink impersonator?
09:45No, pink.
09:47What?
09:48Pink.
09:51Oh, I'm not allowed to use her exclamation mark
09:54as a copyright, so I'm not pink, I'm pink.
09:59Oh, all right.
10:00Okay.
10:00Come on.
10:02The others are going to see this.
10:06I'll pop back tomorrow with a lathe
10:08and run off some new spindles for you, no bother.
10:11You know Wood so well.
10:12He's a Wood wizard.
10:13Yeah, never mind that.
10:15Wait till you see the state of this,
10:16you're going to piss yourselves.
10:18Why, this is amazing.
10:21What a house!
10:23I love this, it's like an installation.
10:26Dickie!
10:28Joss!
10:30You look awesome.
10:34What is going on today?
10:35Can you believe this place?
10:37He cracked it, the boy cracked it.
10:38I knew you would.
10:39We always said he would.
10:40We did, did we?
10:41We did.
10:42Oh, where's your loo?
10:43Or is it too posh for me to have a piss in?
10:45No, it's fine.
10:47It's just through there.
10:48Oh, so great to see you, honey.
10:52She looks amazing.
10:53She looks insane.
10:54And she's doing well, she plays all the cruises.
10:57Oh, right, it's not rambly, is it?
10:59And get this, she calls herself pink?
11:03Yeah, well, I mean,
11:04that's probably just the exclamation mark, isn't it?
11:06Copyright, isn't it?
11:06Yeah, copyright, yeah, exactly.
11:08I knew she'd get there.
11:09Such a beautiful voice.
11:11Voice of an angel.
11:12Has she got there?
11:14What has she got, lads?
11:15She's living the dream.
11:17She's a pink impersonator on a boat.
11:20A...
11:20Blink?
11:21Yeah, whatever.
11:22Blink?
11:26♪ Ever wonder about what he's doing? ♪
11:31♪ How it all turned to light? ♪
11:36♪ Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why. ♪
11:45♪ But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. ♪
11:50♪ You've gotta get up and try, try, try. ♪
12:00Incredible.
12:02It was so beautiful.
12:04Oh, for fuck's sake.
12:05Guys, we've got to celebrate this reunion.
12:07I've got some champagne in the kitchen.
12:09Bloody hell, champagne?
12:11It's got the locks?
12:12Yeah.
12:14Champagne!
12:23Don't even like champagne.
12:29What's Gavin doing?
12:31Well, last I heard, he was in prison.
12:33Big shock, eh?
12:34Signs were there, I guess.
12:35I mean, he was always outside the head's office.
12:37Gavin Hardy?
12:38He got done for embezzlement, mate,
12:39not licking from the bloody tuck shop.
12:41Well, it just shows you,
12:42people never really change, do they?
12:44Some people change.
12:46Quite a lot, actually.
12:47You haven't.
12:48What?
12:49Yeah.
12:50We all knew how you'd turn out.
12:53I was always jealous of you.
12:55You're always happy with the little things.
12:57As long as you got a pizza at break time,
12:58that was all you needed.
12:59He's like that with beer now.
13:01Yeah, well, I never got a break, did I?
13:04Because some people got all the luck
13:05and gobbled it down like a luck pie.
13:07How did you make your money, Just?
13:09Well, wiki's not far off the mark, actually.
13:14I did get lucky, but it's actually mad.
13:19It involves you guys and a crime.
13:22Do you remember that record shop we used to go to?
13:24Old Tom's Rare Grooves?
13:26He's still there.
13:27He is?
13:28Do you remember we used to distract him
13:29and then nick the albums?
13:30Half my record collection got nicked from that shop.
13:33Once, I nicked a Bowie album
13:35from under his limited edition counter.
13:37And then years later, I found it in the loft.
13:40Blow me if it wasn't worth 30 grand.
13:43No way!
13:43Yes, yes.
13:45I mean, that's all the capital we needed to start
13:46and it just sort of blew up from there.
13:48It's insane, isn't it?
13:50Insane.
13:51Oh my God.
13:54I stole that album.
13:56Eh?
13:57I did.
13:58I stole it.
13:59Bloody sticky stardust.
14:00I knew it.
14:01I knew you'd stolen all the luck.
14:03No, I think you'll find I stole it.
14:05No, I did, Justin.
14:07I stole it.
14:07And now you're loaded.
14:09Oh, this stings.
14:10This stings real bad.
14:12Well, he invested it wisely.
14:14You'd have just bought a load of cans of lager.
14:16No, this is a scandal.
14:17This is our Watergate.
14:19And where's Nixon?
14:20Has he resigned?
14:21No, he's bought himself a mansion
14:23and everyone is kissing Richard Nixon's ass.
14:26What does he mean, Dad?
14:28Oh, well, um...
14:29Well, he thinks he stole a Bowie album when he was 12
14:32and he's cross because I'm correcting him
14:35because I stole it.
14:36Why are you cross about that?
14:38You're like 60.
14:40I'm 55, you little rat.
14:42Whoa.
14:43All right, all right.
14:43Well...
14:44Oh, Simon.
14:47Simon?
14:48Yeah, Simon Stevens.
14:49The Robert Redford of the gang.
14:51Marnie looked him up on the socials.
14:52Come on.
14:55Oh, this is bloody outrageous.
14:59Oh.
15:09Mate, what's wrong with you?
15:12Why can't you all see what's happening here?
15:14The guy got loaded off my actions.
15:17You seem like you're sulking because a mate has done well.
15:21It's not like you, Icky.
15:23It's not fair, is it?
15:24Life isn't fair.
15:26Well, come on, let's go and see Simon.
15:28Oh, yeah, because that's what we all need, isn't it?
15:30The coolest kid in school coming in.
15:32I mean, why don't I just pull my trousers
15:35and pants down in front of you all?
15:36Come on, let's go and see Simon.
15:38He was so cool.
15:40He's probably on a horse or something.
15:42I've just opened the gate for Simon.
15:43He'll probably ride in on a horse or something.
15:45That's what I just said!
15:46Oh, he'll definitely be on horseback.
15:59PHONE RINGS
16:00HE EXHALES
16:06Hello, gang.
16:08Simon.
16:09Looks like you've been through the walls there, mate.
16:11I've had a bad few years.
16:13Emphysema.
16:15I'm so sorry.
16:17Oh, Simon.
16:18You really have been struggling, mate.
16:21Life can be hard. I think...
16:23I think we all see that now.
16:25Honestly.
16:27It's been the making of me.
16:29Oh, I care now.
16:30I used to be so vain, prioritising the wrong things.
16:34Since the diagnosis, I've really started to live.
16:38And I paint now.
16:40And they're selling too.
16:42Oh, my God, Simon, it's brilliant.
16:45It's so moving.
16:47Are you shitting me?
16:49You found yourself, lad.
16:50You found the real you.
16:52Thanks.
16:53Guys, I've just had the most mad idea.
16:55The photographer's not getting here for another hour.
16:57Why don't we go into town?
16:58Get some chips at Meg's place.
17:00Like old times.
17:01In my shower, obviously.
17:03God knows he's got the money!
17:05THEY LAUGH
17:06Wicky?
17:07No, no, thanks.
17:09I've got a job to do. I don't need your chip charity.
17:11Come on, Wicky, you're nearly finished.
17:13Yeah, come on, you misery guts.
17:14It's only a bit of mopping up, anyway.
17:17I'll do it for you later.
17:18Even I can mop up.
17:20I think he's on a mobility shift!
17:22THEY LAUGH
17:26HE COUGHS
17:28THEY LAUGH
17:29HE COUGHS
17:31Danny, come on, we're getting chips!
17:34Yeah!
17:36Come on, little man.
17:37Come on, let's go and get some chips!
17:39Let's get some chips!
17:40Whoo-hoo!
17:41Let's go.
17:48THEME SONG PLAYS
17:55You don't know what to do
17:59So you do anything you like
18:03But you're fucked up and dry
18:06Oh, you're a silly thing
18:07But you're fucked up and dry
18:09You're such a pretty thing
18:11But you're fucked up and dry
18:13Oh, my God!
18:15It's still there.
18:17How can that still be there after 40 years?
18:20I thought, I'll build something. It lasts.
18:23It really does, mate.
18:24Craftsmanship.
18:25He was always a bad quality, that lad.
18:28Go on, Danny! Go on!
18:30Remember how high Simon used to get?
18:33He did, Simon. I always used to think you were going to take off.
18:36I don't think you'd take the weight of the scooter nowadays.
18:39THEY LAUGH
18:41Yeah, I used to get well high as well, didn't I?
18:44It's just mad, cos I'm already high enough, aren't I?
18:47Being so tall and that.
18:49God!
18:54Wicky, you never went on it once.
18:57What? I did!
18:59I used to get well high. Higher than him.
19:01No, you didn't, mate. You didn't.
19:03It's good to be cautious.
19:05Pussy.
19:07THEY LAUGH
19:12Come on, Danny!
19:14Best day ever!
19:16Remember when you got picked for the football team?
19:18Yeah. That was good, though, wasn't it? Yeah.
19:20Is that him?
19:23It can't be the same bloke.
19:25It's him. It's old Tom. Of old Tom's rare grooves.
19:28Bloody hell, it is. He must be 200.
19:31The shot that started the empire, eh?
19:34Oh, you're not going to grass me up, are you, Simon?
19:37THEY LAUGH
19:39For what? For not stealing a record?
19:42Oh, don't start this again.
19:44Come on, Wicky, you were never going to nick it.
19:46What? Why?
19:48Well, you always... You know, you played it safe.
19:50I... I...
19:52I played it safe? Are you joking?
19:54Then why did they call me risky business at school?
19:57No-one called you risky business at school.
19:59You tried to get us to call you risky business.
20:02Yeah, but you always played it safe.
20:04That's why you ended up...
20:06Nothing wrong with that.
20:08I mean, this whole country is built on working folk.
20:10Good, honest. Unskilled labourers.
20:12One of the country's heroes, along with the bin men.
20:15There's no shame in a total lack of ambition, Wicky.
20:20We're the workforce!
20:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:24Right, you, with me. Me?
20:26Yeah, come on. I need you to distract old Tom.
20:28Oh, come on, Wicky, you can't do that.
20:30Why not? I've done it before
20:32and it would appear that I need to make a point.
20:35Danny. Dad, it feels wrong.
20:37Did you just say it feels wrong?
20:39The irony.
20:41Alanis Morris had to be physically sick
20:43if she heard you say that, young man. Who?
20:45I'll tell you what's wrong.
20:47Him building an empire off of my light fingers.
20:50Go with him, son. There won't be any crime today.
20:52I just need someone to keep an eye on him.
20:54Don't do this, Wicky!
20:56You're such a trap, son!
20:58Get your oxygen mask on. We're off on a high-octane ride.
21:00Danny!
21:02Woo!
21:04Ha-ha!
21:06HE WHEEZES
21:16Dad, listen up.
21:18The old man's never supposed,
21:20but his eyesight is that of a hawk.
21:22You distract him with a madness poster,
21:24I'll get the record.
21:26I don't think it's right to steal from an old man.
21:28I'll tell you what's not right, son.
21:30A six-foot-eight man round-housing a child.
21:32But there's a good chance it's going to happen.
21:34I'll do it.
21:36But not because you've threatened me.
21:38Because I think you're feeling sad.
21:40And I want to help you feel happy.
21:42Right. I don't know what's wrong with you, son,
21:44but I'll tell you this.
21:46You go through life being thoughtful all the time,
21:48you're going to make a lot of enemies.
21:50Can I help you too, young lads?
21:52Can I have a look at that madness poster behind you, please?
21:54Certainly, young man.
21:56You're very young to be into madness, young man.
21:58What's your favourite song?
22:00Buggy Trousers?
22:03House Of Fun?
22:05Oh, I don't like madness, sir.
22:07I'm just distracting you so my father's friend
22:09can steal the record.
22:11Ah!
22:13Et tu, Danny?
22:15You didn't say to lie. Lying isn't healthy.
22:17Seriously, son, what's wrong with you?
22:19Put that record back!
22:21Eat it, grandad.
22:23Danny! Run!
22:29I think he's sad
22:31His life didn't go very well.
22:33My dad will pay for the record, don't worry.
22:35There'll be no need of that, young man.
22:41Whose plane is safe now?
22:43Risky Business is back, baby!
22:45Oi!
23:01Ah!
23:19Ah!
23:31They're gonna tell you
23:33about the young idea
23:35of madness
23:37and now you said you'd better
23:39go!
23:57So, I've heard vinyl's back, is it?
24:01One for me
24:05and one for you
24:09or take over from here.
24:11All right.
24:13I've got my record.
24:17What is wrong with you?
24:19Sorry. Stealing a bloody record!
24:21I just wanted to prove
24:23that I don't play it safe.
24:25Well, you're lucky he's not pressing charges.
24:27Is he not? No. No, he said they're just kids.
24:30Wicky!
24:32It's just a disaster
24:34for us all to be in a photo for the paper.
24:36You come in,
24:38we're all going back together.
24:40Am I?
24:42He'd love to.
24:44Hiya!
24:46I'm Pink. Pink, that's right.
24:48Oh, copyright, is it?
24:50Yeah.
25:00Where's Justin?
25:02Go on, we're ready here.
25:04Count his bloody money properly.
25:06I'll go and look for him.
25:08I was going to offer to be his butler anyway.
25:10Ha ha ha!
25:12Oh!
25:16I'm sorry.
25:18It's all right.
25:20It's all right.
25:22It's all right.
25:24It's all right.
25:26It's all right.
25:28I'm sorry, I just don't understand
25:30why he couldn't stay another night.
25:32I'm sorry, but it's my week.
25:34Justin, you know this.
25:36But surely he can stay for the photograph, hmm?
25:38We've got to get the last train.
25:40I feel like it's harder than it needs to be.
25:42I'll see you next week, Dad.
25:44Claire, I just... I know.
25:46OK. All right.
25:48I am... I am getting through this.
25:50I am, I promise you.
25:52I just... I just miss us
25:54being together, that's all.
25:56Oh.
25:58Oh.
26:00See you soon, little man.
26:02Son.
26:08I'm sorry.
26:10Yeah, it was Tyser!
26:12I remember just taking oral.
26:14Yeah, I remember.
26:16It's all right.
26:18It's all right, Jeff Bezos.
26:20Yeah, as all right as any of us are, Paul.
26:22They're right, you know.
26:25I wouldn't have done what you've done.
26:27I would have wasted the money.
26:29Maybe.
26:31But then I never would have had the guts
26:33to steal that record.
26:35Come on, you get in the middle.
26:37We'll have Rich put in the middle, won't we?
26:39Yay!
26:41How are you getting ready?
26:43How are you getting ready?
26:45Cheese!
26:47Cheese!
26:55Cheese!
26:57Cheese!
26:59Cheese!
27:01Cheese!
27:03Cheese!
27:05Cheese!
27:07Cheese!
27:09Cheese!
27:11Cheese!
27:13Cheese!
27:15Cheese!
27:17Cheese!
27:19Cheese!
27:21Cheese!
27:23Cheese!
27:25Cheese!
27:27Cheese!