when a seemingly perfect couple plans to divorce and how their once-tight friend group struggles to cope with the aftermath.HD

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Transcript

00:00:00Oh my god, I haven't seen you guys in so long.

00:00:05Anderson, you're like in the forest.

00:00:06Yeah, and there's bugs everywhere,

00:00:08and there's people telling me what to do.

00:00:10It's not my vibe.

00:00:11So, guys.

00:00:13Are there tree trimmers in the forest?

00:00:15I think the city tree trims in the forest for fire,

00:00:18for fire prevention.

00:00:20I once dated a fireman.

00:00:21Are you, can you hear me?

00:00:22Hey.

00:00:23You guys hear that?

00:00:24I dated a fireman once.

00:00:25I didn't, I feel like it did not get a big reaction.

00:00:27Well, because it's a lie. I felt like it was a lie.

00:00:28Yeah, it's a lie.

00:00:29Anyway, you guys, sorry.

00:00:32Thanks for making the time for this whole group call thing.

00:00:36Duh, of course.

00:00:37Totally.

00:00:38But actually, can we make this quick?

00:00:40I have a date in a half an hour with my sexy new boyfriend.

00:00:42Okay, rub it in, Vanessa.

00:00:43Yeah, you don't need to personally attack

00:00:45those of us who are single,

00:00:46namely your very own flesh and blood brother,

00:00:49who is very datable.

00:00:51Anderson, how are you even on this call?

00:00:53They let you have your computer there?

00:00:54Oh yeah, I blew one of the guards, so we gave it back.

00:00:56Oh my god.

00:00:57Whoa, wait, they have actual guards

00:00:58at this wilderness rehab?

00:00:59No, obvi this is my burner.

00:01:01Huh, I didn't know burner computers were a thing.

00:01:04It's a rich people thing.

00:01:05Oh, the security at his last rehab was super lax.

00:01:08I ended up sneaking in some-

00:01:09Guys!

00:01:11Listen guys, you're our oldest friends,

00:01:13so Peter and I wanted to tell you all at the same time

00:01:17that we're-

00:01:18Oh my god, you're pregnant.

00:01:21Oh my god, am I pregnant?

00:01:22They're so pregnant.

00:01:23Finally!

00:01:24Can I be the godmother?

00:01:25I'd like to be called Aunt Lauren, not Aunt Lauren.

00:01:28It's gross, you know?

00:01:29You guys have to name the baby after me

00:01:31since I'm the one who set you up.

00:01:32Vanessa, shoving the two of them

00:01:33into your dorm room closet freshman year

00:01:35and forcing them to make out

00:01:36does not count as setting them up.

00:01:37Okay, bitch, you're just jealous

00:01:39because I never shoved you in a closet.

00:01:41But lest us not forget that Lauren did inspire me

00:01:43to come out of the closet.

00:01:44Yes, yes, I'm so glad that the one time we hooked up

00:01:47it turned you gay, Anderson.

00:01:48That's a great college memory for me to dwell on.

00:01:51You're so welcome.

00:01:52Guys!

00:01:56We're getting divorced.

00:02:02Wait, what?

00:02:02♪ Get you off my mind, I can't get you off my mind ♪

00:02:05Oh.

00:02:06♪ Show lines we'd order in and snuggle up, got bored of them ♪

00:02:09♪ Now holidays are horrible, I'm hung up on you like an ornament ♪

00:02:13♪ Get you off my mind, I want you to care ♪

00:02:15♪ I want you to cry when you realize I'm no longer there ♪

00:02:18♪ I want you to miss the touch of my hand, the smell of my hair ♪

00:02:22♪ You and me don't feel the same ♪

00:02:26♪ Get you off my mind, get you off my mind, get you off my mind ♪

00:02:43Well, do you think anybody else knows?

00:02:46I couldn't tell you.

00:02:47I don't know, I wasn't on that call.

00:02:48I cannot believe we weren't on that call.

00:02:50We weren't invited to that call.

00:02:52I know, and I'm upset that Anderson called you.

00:02:54Vanessa only texted me, and I feel like this is something

00:02:56I should've gotten a phone call about.

00:02:57Well, it was a short phone call.

00:02:58I could hardly hear him, and his service was awful.

00:03:00And honestly, I think I heard a coyote.

00:03:02Like, on the phone?

00:03:03No, like, in the background,

00:03:04and I know a coyote when I hear one.

00:03:06Okay, is it possible it was, like, a scheduling thing?

00:03:08Like, you know how they always plan stuff

00:03:09on California time or specific standard time.

00:03:12Wait, did you just say specific?

00:03:14I did.

00:03:15It's Pacific, because, you know,

00:03:16it's, like, by the Pacific Ocean.

00:03:20Agree to disagree.

00:03:21Anyways, whatever.

00:03:22That's bullshit.

00:03:23We're only three hours ahead.

00:03:24What, did they Google Hang at midnight?

00:03:26I would've Googled Hang.

00:03:27Hung.

00:03:28Hung.

00:03:29And actually, no, you wouldn't have,

00:03:30because midnight specific standard time

00:03:31is really 3 a.m.

00:03:323 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

00:03:33Yes, I know.

00:03:34And I'm saying that I would've been available

00:03:36and awake to hang.

00:03:37Wow.

00:03:38I have a new Postmates order.

00:03:40Oh, fuck the gig economy.

00:03:41I have, like, five jobs right now.

00:03:43Wait, six, actually, so I have this new gig.

00:03:46It's kind of freaky.

00:03:47This order's from the McDonald's on Bedford.

00:03:49They hate me there.

00:03:50I don't know why.

00:03:51They hate my rollerblades.

00:03:52Is it the yellow?

00:03:53No.

00:03:54They hate that I wear them inside their store.

00:03:55Restaurant.

00:03:56Restaurant.

00:03:57And it's like, well, then don't have a rollerblader ramp

00:03:58that leads directly to your door.

00:03:59I feel like that ramp is for wheelchairs.

00:04:01Well, rollerblades have wheels.

00:04:03I think they're cool.

00:04:04They are.

00:04:05And I think you're cool.

00:04:06Not cool enough to be on a Zoom call

00:04:08to hear about our friends getting a divorce.

00:04:10Oh, I forgot about that for, like, four seconds.

00:04:15So, wait.

00:04:17What is this new job?

00:04:18Okay.

00:04:19This vibe tell a mad truth so evidently.

00:04:21The way this shit would be told is eloquently.

00:04:24Who?

00:04:25Hickory dickory dock.

00:04:27Hi.

00:04:28Hi.

00:04:29Who?

00:04:30I'm the CEO.

00:04:31I'm the CEO.

00:04:32Who?

00:04:33Who?

00:04:34Hey, yo, I'm not who you expected,

00:04:35because I'm so hot.

00:04:36I'm so hot.

00:04:37I'm so hot.

00:04:38Well, I can't be.

00:04:39All right, Hannah.

00:04:40Let's bring home the bacon.

00:04:41Well, hello there.

00:04:42And other appendages.

00:04:44.com users.

00:04:45Before I introduce myself.

00:04:46For those of you who liked Sarah,

00:04:47the big handed farmhand,

00:04:48I'll be back next Tuesday.

00:04:49Don't be late y'all.

00:04:50But today, I'm Eleanor Elbo,

00:04:51...the erotic CEO.

00:04:52And I've got new for you.

00:04:53There's no outlines from me,

00:04:54and I'm not just someone who likes to eat.

00:04:55Hey, on to the next thing.

00:04:56I'm the CEO.

00:04:57I'm the CEO.

00:04:58And you better not forget

00:04:59I'm the CEO.

00:05:00I'm the CEO.

00:05:01I'm the CEO.

00:05:02I'm the CEO.

00:05:03I'm the CEO.

00:05:04I'm the CEO.

00:05:05I'm the CEO.

00:05:06I'm the CEO.

00:05:07I'm the CEO.

00:05:08CEO and I've got news for you. I'm losing money left and right and I'm pissed off about it, so pissed off in fact that I'm thinking of stopping all over you.

00:05:24If things don't, turn around.

00:05:29Who's in my chats? Fist me good 999.

00:05:35Says to me, dearest Eleanor, please lick your elbow.

00:05:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:05:44My elbow.

00:05:50My elbow.

00:05:51Turns out the elbow's a little bit difficult to lick, yeah.

00:05:55So how does this help?

00:05:58I can taste my lotion. It tastes like wealth.

00:06:05This is freaky.

00:06:09Speaking of wealth, don't forget to Venmo me. Hannah55baby. Thank you so much.

00:06:17Fine.

00:06:23Welcome back to my channel, gentlemen. I am Jaime the Dope Divorce Guru.

00:06:34Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the overwhelming response on last week's video.

00:06:39Three foolproof compliments that trigger women's libido. Go check it out.

00:06:44But only and only if you're ready to handle the overwhelming amount of attention you're going to get from them bitches.

00:06:52Alright, let's get this started.

00:06:54Each week I share my mind hacks on how to efficiently navigate a divorce, or as I like to call it, a course correction.

00:07:02Through my journey of spouse disentanglement, I've discovered how to skip the drama and get you ready for your next honey mama trademark.

00:07:10As you guys know, my last divorce was six months ago.

00:07:13I've already reached a special and crucial landmark in the divorce cycle, the reclaiming of space.

00:07:20Some of you might not be at this stage yet, and some of you might actually take a few years to get here.

00:07:26Just remember what I always say. Be patient with yourself.

00:07:29You're going through a lot, and sooner or later, you'll hook up with someone hotter at trademark.

00:07:36Bro, I'm in the middle of my vlog.

00:07:39Hey, how could I have known that? Think about it.

00:07:43I told you, you have to text me five minutes before you get home.

00:07:47What if I'm in the middle of this super dope thought process, and then bam, you walk in and interrupt my flow?

00:07:53Look, Jaime, I'm not going to text you every time I come home.

00:07:58I was happy to move in when Rosa left you.

00:08:02But listen, I'm not just staying at your pad.

00:08:05I pay rent. This is my home too now, okay?

00:08:08If I interrupt your flow, I'm sure you can get it back.

00:08:11Bro, you do not understand my flow state, but cool.

00:08:15Don't you edit these videos afterwards anyway?

00:08:18Sure, but it's not that simple, but I'll just do that. Thank you.

00:08:21Great. Glad you figured it out.

00:08:35Can you just...

00:08:36What?

00:08:37Nothing. I just really need to finish this today.

00:08:42Alright, bud. I'll get out of your hair.

00:08:47You know, I'm really glad your therapist suggested you make this whole video diary thing.

00:08:53It's not a video diary thing!

00:08:55I'm helping other people that are more fucked up than I am.

00:08:58And I came up with that idea on my own, after she suggested it.

00:09:02You're doing such a great job.

00:09:04Can you fuck off, please?

00:09:06I'm going to give you some space.

00:09:10You're super welcome, bud.

00:09:11Oh my god!

00:09:16Reclaiming your space! What does that mean?

00:09:19Great question. Let me break it down for you.

00:09:22The first thing you gotta do when you're reclaiming your space from the divorce is tackle the fuck up.

00:09:34The most crucial step to moving through a divorce is releasing emotions.

00:09:39You and your partner should cry openly and cry often.

00:09:51He hasn't cried.

00:09:55Why the fuck hasn't he cried?

00:10:00Peter?

00:10:03Peter!

00:10:06Are you fucking kidding me?

00:10:07Are you fucking kidding me?

00:10:08Peter!

00:10:18Were you calling me?

00:10:19No. Hey, so I know it's going to be super hard and you've probably just been avoiding it because it's going to be so, so sad.

00:10:29But I think it's time we split up our stuff.

00:10:34Sure.

00:10:35It's probably just going to be really hard for us and for you because we've built a life together and how do you even start to begin to choose who deserves what?

00:10:45I mean, I can't even fathom where to begin.

00:10:47It's like ripping apart the quilt of our love, piece by piece.

00:10:57I mean, I guess we could start in the living room.

00:11:01Wow. Yeah, how did I not think of that?

00:11:06Let's do it.

00:11:15How would you like the chair? I know you've always loved it.

00:11:18Really? I mean, your aunt gave you that chair. You should keep it.

00:11:22I remember that time when I was holding your nephew and he was staring up at me with those big, beautiful blue eyes and he vomited all over me and some got on the chair.

00:11:34You know, that was the first moment that I realized, sorry, that I realized that we would be parents.

00:11:45It'll always be a perfect memory for me.

00:11:47It'll always be a perfect memory for me. What could have been.

00:11:53Hmm. I think you're forgetting that the smell of vomit actually made me vomit. I mean, there was a lot of vomit that day.

00:12:01That was actually the day that I realized that maybe I didn't want to have kids.

00:12:05You know, like before then, obviously, I was like, yeah, for sure. But then that happened and I was like, I don't know.

00:12:10It's funny, like, same memory, different emotional attachments to it.

00:12:15Totally, totally different, you know, to each their own, you know, a happy memory for me and a sad and emotional memory for you.

00:12:30Yeah. Very sad. Extremely emotional.

00:12:37Right.

00:12:39Okay, you can have the chair.

00:12:41That I don't give a shit about.

00:12:42Okay, fine. You can call dibs on one of our shared items if you tell my brother about the divorce.

00:12:50Wait, you haven't told him yet?

00:12:52I thought it should come from you.

00:12:54What? Why?

00:12:56Because he sees you like a brother. He's like obsessed with you. Just come on, Peter.

00:12:59Okay, fine.

00:13:08Just in case.

00:13:09Uh, thank you?

00:13:11Go ahead. Take one.

00:13:21So, yeah. I'm really sorry, man, but that's what we've decided.

00:13:26Wait, wait, wait, but you guys have only been married for like two years.

00:13:29Yeah, no, right, but we've actually been together for ten, you know, and it's complicated. We're just different people now.

00:13:34Yeah, of course, you're different people, but like, I thought opposites attract.

00:13:37I thought opposites attract.

00:13:39Look, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry.

00:13:41So what are you, like my ex-brother now, or?

00:13:43I mean, I guess technically, but...

00:13:45Whatever, whatever. I gotta go. Okay, I'll talk to you later.

00:13:47I love you.

00:13:51What was that about?

00:13:54Amy and Peter are getting a divorce.

00:13:56Wait, what?

00:13:58Yeah.

00:13:59They haven't even been married that long.

00:14:01Yeah, apparently they're like different people or something.

00:14:03Of course they're different people, but don't like opposites attract?

00:14:05I know, that's what I said!

00:14:07But we love Peter. What are we gonna do about that?

00:14:09I don't know, man.

00:14:12I don't know.

00:14:14Wow.

00:14:16I am so sorry.

00:14:21Well, it's not great timing, but I actually have a Tinder date coming in a couple minutes.

00:14:27Oh, wow.

00:14:29But I could totally bail on her.

00:14:31Oh, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. Just be careful, okay, because right now she's just a Tinder girl, but next thing you know, she's your wife, and then right after that, she's your fucking ex-wife!

00:14:38But, yeah, no, it's fine. She'll, she'll move over.

00:14:42You can totally crash the date if you want. We have plenty of sushi.

00:14:45From where?

00:14:46Store-bought.

00:14:47Ugh.

00:14:48Okay, you are uninvited.

00:14:49It's gonna have spicy mayo all over it.

00:14:51Oh, I'm Noah. I'm a bougie-ass bitch, and I don't have a brother-in-law anymore.

00:14:54Too far, man.

00:14:55Yeah, it didn't feel right saying it.

00:14:58You know what? Whatever. Fuck it. I'm fucking with you. Let's go eat some shitty Cali rolls. Come on.

00:15:02Wow.

00:15:04Wait, I'm dead. No, I'm literally dying.

00:15:07Is this a joke?

00:15:08Do you want to start with cardio?

00:15:09Shut up. I'm sorry, what?

00:15:12Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I cannot believe this. I'm truly shocked to my core.

00:15:19Amy and Peter? No. No, never in a million years would I have guessed this.

00:15:24Honestly, honestly, you know what? I need to go work out. This is a lot for me to take in.

00:15:28Okay, I'll call you later.

00:15:30Alright, love you. Kiss, kiss.

00:15:37I mean, did I call it or did I fucking call it?

00:15:39What?

00:15:40Okay, you remember my friends from college?

00:15:43Babe, stretch me.

00:15:44Obviously, not my Gamma Phi sisters. My other friends. You know, the trashy ones.

00:15:49Amy and Peter. The brunette and her husband. They met our freshman year and they've been together ever since.

00:15:55Anyways, they're getting divorced.

00:15:58And I hate to say that I saw this coming, but I absolutely saw this coming.

00:16:02I saw this coming.

00:16:05Hello?

00:16:06Mary Grace, hey.

00:16:08Hey, sweet girl.

00:16:09Can you hear me okay?

00:16:10I can hear you loud and clear. And I can see you. You look gorgeous, girl.

00:16:14Oh, thank you. Wow, uh, it's been a minute.

00:16:18Gosh, it's been several minutes. I mean, when is the last time we saw each other?

00:16:22Was it Caroline's niece's baptism?

00:16:24No. Uh, yeah, no. Didn't fly back in for that one.

00:16:28Well, shoot, we miss you around here.

00:16:30These teens today, I am telling you, they do not make the youth like they used to.

00:16:36Wow, you're still the youth pastor. You were my youth pastor. Wow.

00:16:40Yes, ma'am. Fourteen years strong.

00:16:42That is a long time to pastor youths. Jesus.

00:16:44Ah.

00:16:45Sorry. Uh, geez louise. Anyway, um, my mom told me you had another baby.

00:16:50Have you not met my son, Henry? He just turned three last month.

00:16:53Oh my goodness.

00:16:54Yep. Bill finally got his boy. But enough about me and mine.

00:16:58Those rugrats are over at Janine's until six. I got my glass of pina grigio.

00:17:02I got all my soft clothes. I am ready for some girl talk.

00:17:07So now tell me, your mother says there's something we need to pray on.

00:17:10Oh. Oh, yeah, no, no. That's... I'm so sorry she called you.

00:17:14She just, um... Well, my friends are actually getting divorced,

00:17:17and then she kind of freaked out about it, so...

00:17:19Wait. We need to bless this conversation first.

00:17:22If you will, bow your head and hold my hands virtually.

00:17:26Okay.

00:17:28Dear sweet, sweet Lord, we humbly accept your love

00:17:33and come before you today to talk on FaceTime while you eavesdrop

00:17:38as we reflect on Lauren's struggles to find a partner in life.

00:17:43Uh...

00:17:44Help us open Lauren's heart to find a match

00:17:47so she can procreate in your name.

00:17:50What?

00:17:51Her mother is in pain, Lord.

00:17:53Ease her heart. Ease her mind.

00:17:56Ease her mouth.

00:17:58Evelyn wants these grandbabies so bad she can't breathe at night.

00:18:02She can breathe.

00:18:03Help us open Lauren's heart.

00:18:05Help her find her love, whoever she wants to love.

00:18:09I mean it, Jesus.

00:18:11Amen.

00:18:13So do you like women?

00:18:15What?

00:18:16Now listen here, Lauren.

00:18:17I'm done drawing a line in the sand.

00:18:19I'm done with it.

00:18:20You want to love a she? You want to love a they?

00:18:23Live.

00:18:24Okay. I like men, so...

00:18:26Well, good.

00:18:27Okay, well, hold on now.

00:18:29I didn't mean good.

00:18:30I just meant I'm more familiar.

00:18:32But if you want to like a she, if you want to like a they,

00:18:36that is fine by me.

00:18:38You heard of the book Queer Grace?

00:18:40Uh, no. Uh-uh.

00:18:41Well, it rocked my world.

00:18:45It's by Kelly Jo Welch.

00:18:47She's a lovely woman of God and other women.

00:18:50And she's just wise beyond her years.

00:18:52And I learn things.

00:18:53Lauren, love is love.

00:18:55Uh, listen, Mary Grace, I'm so proud of you.

00:18:57That's great.

00:18:58I'm so glad you've come around.

00:19:00I just, I'm not gay.

00:19:02Evelyn told me she knows.

00:19:04And she's proud of you.

00:19:05Wait, my mom thinks I'm gay?

00:19:07And if you'll just let Jesus come in your mouth

00:19:10and give you the courage to speak your truth,

00:19:14you'll settle down with a nice woman

00:19:16and your mother can get those grandbabies.

00:19:18Oh, my God.

00:19:19Let me tell you a story.

00:19:20All right.

00:19:21You remember back in your youth group days,

00:19:22Stuart Douglas, Trevor Scott,

00:19:24remember those two boys, hoodlums?

00:19:26Yeah.

00:19:27They used to say behind your back all the time,

00:19:30oh, there goes Lauren hunting fish.

00:19:33Oh, she loves to hunt trout, they'd say.

00:19:36And I thought, well, dang.

00:19:38I didn't even know she liked fishing this much.

00:19:40Maybe she's out there fishing on the weekend with her daddy.

00:19:42I don't know.

00:19:43It took me two years to realize

00:19:46they weren't even talking about fishing.

00:19:50They were calling you a lesbian predator.

00:19:52Yeah, Mary Grace, they were fucking with me.

00:19:55Messing with me.

00:19:56And I prayed.

00:19:58And I prayed for you.

00:20:00And then I read Making Room on the Pew by Kelly Jo Welch.

00:20:04And let me tell you, it just opened my mind.

00:20:07You can love however you want.

00:20:09You don't need...

00:20:12You can have two...

00:20:14vaginas.

00:20:16We say front tushy in this house.

00:20:18Anyway, I think you know what I'm talking about.

00:20:20What are you talking about?

00:20:24Jesus fucking Christ, Mary Grace.

00:20:27I have had upwards of 32 dicks in my body, okay?

00:20:31I am not a lesbian.

00:20:38Ooh, look at my sexy man grilling me some sexy meats.

00:20:41Mm, my little crudité girl.

00:20:43Why are you wearing your blue light glasses outside?

00:20:45Well, there's no easy way to say this,

00:20:47but we're living in a simulation, babe.

00:20:49Every second is screen time, so keeping these on for good.

00:20:52So what you're saying is you got high without me?

00:20:54Exactly.

00:20:55Wow!

00:20:57Wow.

00:20:58Four weeks into the relationship,

00:21:00and you're already sneaking around.

00:21:02Hey, hey, come on.

00:21:04What?

00:21:05No, no, stay off the nips.

00:21:06If you let me do it, I will forgive you.

00:21:09Okay, lightly, light.

00:21:11All right, okay, okay.

00:21:13Okay, you're forgiven.

00:21:14All right, thank you.

00:21:15I gotta flip.

00:21:16Okay, but just remember,

00:21:18I like my men how I like my meats.

00:21:20Rare, because you're one of a kind,

00:21:22and I like my meats bloody.

00:21:24Ooh, which reminds me, I have a new project for us.

00:21:27But first, carrot?

00:21:29Sure.

00:21:30Ranch shot?

00:21:31Always, yeah.

00:21:33Oh.

00:21:35No teeth!

00:21:37Don't bite it.

00:21:38Use your lips.

00:21:39Use your lips.

00:21:40Use your lips.

00:21:42God, ranch is so sexual.

00:21:44Should we leave these meats and go to the bedroom?

00:21:46No, they're almost ready.

00:21:48Really, so no?

00:21:50Okay, well, that leads me to our project.

00:21:53I think we can both agree that up until now,

00:21:55the sex has been amazing.

00:21:56Yeah, it's been great.

00:21:57I know, it's not surprising.

00:21:59All my boyfriends say that about me.

00:22:01You mean said that.

00:22:02They're not still saying that

00:22:03because you're not still having sex with them, right?

00:22:05But I think we're on the edge of the phase

00:22:08where it's like, new relationship,

00:22:10the sex is always amazing,

00:22:12and the phase of, uh, we never have sex anymore,

00:22:15and it's always missionary,

00:22:16and even when we do have missionary sex,

00:22:18it's really dry and boring,

00:22:20and you think about CNN the whole time.

00:22:22But we're in the first phase, right?

00:22:23Gabriel, Gabriel, you're missing the point.

00:22:25It's scientifically proven that in the first four weeks,

00:22:28we should be at a 10 on El Pasion scale.

00:22:30Sure, we're having sex in restaurant bathrooms

00:22:33and in your car and at your mom's house.

00:22:35On my mom's house.

00:22:36I got second-degree burns on my back from the roof.

00:22:39And I'm sorry for that,

00:22:40but if we don't do something now,

00:22:42we're gonna end up boring and divorced and brunette,

00:22:45and you know I don't have the face shape

00:22:46to support brown hair.

00:22:47Okay, well...

00:22:48Imagine this with a brown wig on.

00:22:50It'd look insane.

00:22:51I'd look like one of the little women.

00:22:53Well, what are you trying to say right now?

00:22:55You wanna try some freaky shit?

00:22:57Exactly. Please clear your schedule.

00:22:59We're gonna start with a spa day,

00:23:01a little role play, a little dash of danger.

00:23:04It's good to get the adrenaline pumping

00:23:06before we dive into some new areas of...

00:23:09Ow.

00:23:10...sexual exploration.

00:23:12All right, fuck it. Let's explore.

00:23:15They'll explore the ideas, how the mayor's people put it.

00:23:18That's hopeful.

00:23:19You're optimistic tonight.

00:23:21Let me remind you,

00:23:22we're up against men and their Maseratis here.

00:23:24Jesus Christ!

00:23:26This dog!

00:23:28He's a dog.

00:23:30Can you imagine the day Los Angeles

00:23:32has more bicycles on the streets than cars?

00:23:35Can you imagine a day when people train their dogs?

00:23:39It's a noble cause, baby.

00:23:41Shutting down SeaWorld is a noble cause.

00:23:43No bike lanes?

00:23:44That's just your run-of-the-mill public health crisis.

00:23:47Well, you're killing it,

00:23:49and I'm proud of you.

00:23:51Oh, my God, I almost forgot.

00:23:53I got quite the compliment at City Hall today.

00:23:56Nice.

00:23:57We were just standing around after the meeting talking,

00:23:59and this councilman came up to me,

00:24:01and he said you're quite effective when you're angry.

00:24:03And before I could even say anything,

00:24:05he whips out his business card and says,

00:24:07you have what it takes, kid.

00:24:09Call me.

00:24:10My personal number.

00:24:12Like, ew.

00:24:14And he called me kid.

00:24:17Hi.

00:24:27Wow.

00:24:28Douche bag.

00:24:39What?

00:24:41You're doing the thing.

00:24:42What thing?

00:24:43What thing?

00:24:47Forget it.

00:24:51What thing?

00:25:16Oh, my God, it's fuckface.

00:25:47What?

00:26:06Damn.

00:26:08That's a nice deck.

00:26:11There were three things my wife never let me have.

00:26:15A drum kit, a motorcycle, and a threesome.

00:26:18Happy to say that I recently crossed

00:26:21two out of those three off my list.

00:26:23And let's just say,

00:26:25I still can't wait to get that bike.

00:26:29So, this is my new baby,

00:26:31a Pearl Export drum kit.

00:26:34When I was married to my honey butch...

00:26:42When I was married,

00:26:43the ex forbid me from buying one.

00:26:45She was like, um, where are you gonna store it?

00:26:48And you don't even know how to play the drums.

00:26:50And you should save money and go back to school.

00:26:52Well, guess what?

00:26:53The first thing I did when she left

00:26:55was go straight to Craigslist

00:26:57and I bought this sexy beast.

00:27:00And the best part is,

00:27:01with her side of the closet empty,

00:27:03there's plenty of room to store it.

00:27:05And the only school I'm about to attend

00:27:09is the School of Rock, baby!

00:27:11One, two, three, four!

00:27:13This is what reclaiming your space sounds like.

00:27:22That is the last time

00:27:24you're playing the drums in the house.

00:27:28Right, buddy?

00:27:29Yeah!

00:27:31Another important practice on reclaiming your space

00:27:34is to stand or sit in spots

00:27:36that have significant memories of your honey butch...

00:27:40Of your ex.

00:27:42Ex.

00:27:43Ahem.

00:27:44Of your ex.

00:27:45And then you say to yourself,

00:27:47I reclaim this space.

00:27:50For example,

00:27:51this is where we would spend most of our evenings

00:27:55watching Netflix.

00:27:56She loved watching rom-coms

00:27:59because she thought they were funny

00:28:01even though she knew they were cheesy.

00:28:03And I was bored the whole time,

00:28:06so I was like, whatever,

00:28:08but she would laugh at them

00:28:10and her laugh was like, you know,

00:28:13low-key pretty magical.

00:28:15And...

00:28:21It was hell.

00:28:26Ah!

00:28:27That's an example of what we like to call

00:28:30porcupine memories.

00:28:31The name refers to memories

00:28:33that are seemingly so cute and happy

00:28:35and you just want to hold on to them,

00:28:37but when you hug them,

00:28:38bam!

00:28:39Needles!

00:28:40Ouch!

00:28:41Porcupine memories!

00:28:42Trademark pending.

00:28:44I reclaim my space.

00:28:47I reclaim my space!

00:28:49I reclaim my space!

00:28:52Cut the fuck up, buddy!

00:28:58Wow!

00:29:00Wow!

00:29:04Wow, 32.

00:29:08As in 32 actual penises?

00:29:12Yeah, give or take.

00:29:13Honestly, it's probably a bit higher than that,

00:29:15but yeah, 32.

00:29:16Oh, my lanta!

00:29:18Well, Diane Kelly Jo Welch didn't prepare me for this.

00:29:21I'm sorry, Mary Grace.

00:29:22I'm sorry for my language.

00:29:23I'm sorry I'm being so crass.

00:29:25I'm so glad we got to catch up,

00:29:27but I am sorry my mom made you do this.

00:29:29I just, you know, I haven't found the right guy yet,

00:29:31so maybe you could just tell her I'm looking

00:29:34and I'm not a lesbian.

00:29:35Um, but yeah, I guess I should probably go, so...

00:29:38Oh, no, no, no, please don't go.

00:29:39Please don't go.

00:29:40I still have half a bottle of pinot grigio left.

00:29:42Look, I've been watching HBO after Bill goes to bed, okay?

00:29:48And I've been learning some new stuff.

00:29:50And all the women at the church want to talk about

00:29:52is when is the rapture coming,

00:29:54and obviously it is already here.

00:29:56So I need this.

00:29:58Lauren, I need this, please.

00:30:00Okay. Okay.

00:30:02Um, yeah, sure, I can chat for a few more minutes.

00:30:05Okay, great.

00:30:06All right, let's quickly hang up our call with Jesus

00:30:08because he does not need to hear this.

00:30:10Good night, Jesus. I'll call you later.

00:30:11Okay, now it's just you and me.

00:30:13Lay it on me, honey.

00:30:1632? 32!

00:30:18Gosh almighty, are you using special creams?

00:30:21You must be sore all the time.

00:30:22Oh, yeah, no, I know it sounds like a lot,

00:30:25but, you know, it's actually not that crazy.

00:30:27I just got busy in college. Who didn't?

00:30:29I didn't. Bill and I waited.

00:30:32Oh, okay.

00:30:34But, I mean, gosh, you guys have three kids now.

00:30:36You must be making up for lost time, right?

00:30:38No. No.

00:30:40Look, look, I love Bill, and I do think about him.

00:30:43And Nathan Fillion from Castle.

00:30:45But can I tell you a secret?

00:30:47Because I just haven't been able to talk to anybody about this,

00:30:49and since you're a liberal elite sinner...

00:30:51Okay, harsh.

00:30:52I feel like you'll get it.

00:30:55I don't want Bill to hear me.

00:30:58I'm not sexually satisfied at all.

00:31:02Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:31:04No, don't call Jesus right now.

00:31:05No, no, that's not what I...

00:31:07Okay.

00:31:08Help me, Lauren, please, okay?

00:31:10You're a sexual deviant and my only hope.

00:31:12I need you.

00:31:14Okay, okay, wow.

00:31:17Okay, sorry, I'm just wrapping my head around this.

00:31:20Yeah, go ahead, Mary Grace.

00:31:22I want to help.

00:31:24Just tell me your troubles.

00:31:26Okay.

00:31:28Well, it all started when I accidentally brushed against the jets in the jacuzzi tub,

00:31:33and it stirred me deep.

00:31:35Oh, my gosh.

00:31:38I can't believe I'm telling you this.

00:31:40Oh, you know what, Mary Grace?

00:31:41It's great, and I wasn't expecting the call to go this way,

00:31:44but I'm honestly, I'm here for it.

00:31:46I just think that I probably need some wine, too,

00:31:48so I will BRB, okay?

00:31:50All right.

00:31:51I'll just be here thinking about Mr. Fillion from Castle.

00:31:57Mr. Castle.

00:32:02Solve my crimes.

00:32:04Solve my crimes.

00:32:07I don't know, maybe they just grew apart, it happened.

00:32:09Sure, but, I mean, this came out of nowhere.

00:32:11Hey, baby, baby, sorry, can I move this?

00:32:14No, you can't move it.

00:32:17Do you think he cheated?

00:32:18Theodora, I don't know.

00:32:20Do you want me to call and ask?

00:32:21Yes, please call your ex-girlfriend and ask her about her divorce.

00:32:30That helps.

00:32:32This barbecue is Peter's ribs.

00:32:34Peter's the best cook, right?

00:32:37I feel like they just moved in.

00:32:39No, they moved in two years ago, and in this market,

00:32:42they're not going to have trouble selling.

00:32:44Yeah, I'm sure their realtor is thrilled.

00:32:48But it's like our first friend divorce.

00:32:52Don't you think it's sad?

00:32:56It really is.

00:33:05So a deck, huh?

00:33:06Yeah.

00:33:07I've been wanting to build this thing for,

00:33:09remember when we moved in here, and I was like,

00:33:11I want to build a deck.

00:33:14Do you remember that?

00:33:16It's a big project.

00:33:17Mm-hmm.

00:33:20Okay, well, don't forget about tonight.

00:33:32Don't forget about tonight.

00:33:42Raymond, your door!

00:34:09Today on Builder Bros, Brock gets hands-on with your big deck.

00:34:15What's up, pussies?

00:34:17Brock here.

00:34:19So your little lady says that she likes a small deck,

00:34:21but come on, bro.

00:34:23You both know when you're standing in your manicured front lawn

00:34:27sipping on your soy latte that she is staring at the sheer girth

00:34:32of your big deck.

00:34:35But that's okay, because Brock Daddy's here to help.

00:34:38All right, so you bought yourself some wood,

00:34:40and you got your tools.

00:34:42Now what are you waiting for?

00:34:43Are you staring at that fat pile like a dope?

00:34:47Look, deck building is tough, but relax.

00:34:51Brock Daddy is going to hold both your girly little hands

00:34:54all the way to the finish line.

00:34:57So grab some bolts and some brewskis.

00:35:02Some brewskis.

00:35:04Let's lay some wood.

00:35:10Motherfucker.

00:35:11What?

00:35:12Hi, Hannah.

00:35:13Xander has therapy after baseball camp.

00:35:14Please give him a snack beforehand,

00:35:16and do not let him take his scooter into the session.

00:35:18Dr. Alberts doesn't like it.

00:35:19Ugh, this is so annoying.

00:35:21I know, right?

00:35:22It's just a scooter.

00:35:23Thanks, Alyssa.

00:35:24Will do, you fucking bitch.

00:35:26Whoa, you really laid into her.

00:35:28Oh, my God, no.

00:35:29I did not text that to Xander's mom.

00:35:30Xander feels new.

00:35:31What happened to the kid Jared?

00:35:32Oh, Jared is a dog I walked,

00:35:33and him and his family are in the Hamptons for the summer,

00:35:35along with Persephone and Maddox's families.

00:35:37Oh, those are cute dog names.

00:35:39Nope, those are kids.

00:35:40Wow, you are booked up.

00:35:43Yeah, if only my bank account reflected that.

00:35:46Ugh, life is weird.

00:35:48Like, this is weird.

00:35:49Our friend is getting a divorce.

00:35:51I know.

00:35:52And if somebody had asked me, like,

00:35:53do you think Amy and Peter will get a divorce,

00:35:55I would have absolutely said no.

00:35:57Yes.

00:35:58Okay, I just lied.

00:35:59I definitely didn't think they were gonna make it.

00:36:01Their writing was on the wall.

00:36:02Remember at Amy's bachelorette, she was so unhappy.

00:36:04So unhappy, and it was not because of us, right?

00:36:06It wasn't because of us?

00:36:07No, she was totally off and not herself,

00:36:09and we talked to her about it.

00:36:11Yeah, we were like, Amy, what's going on with you?

00:36:13Why are you so unhappy?

00:36:14What's up?

00:36:15Why didn't you invite your cousin Eva?

00:36:16Cousin Eva is an alcoholic.

00:36:18And not in a fun way.

00:36:19And Amy, she was like...

00:36:21She said...

00:36:24Okay, so Amy actually wasn't there for that.

00:36:26Of course she was there as her bachelorette.

00:36:28No, no.

00:36:29What we're remembering is you and I talking about it.

00:36:31Talking about her.

00:36:34Oh, talking about her behind her back.

00:36:37Yeah.

00:36:39But we've told her in the past that she seemed unhappy.

00:36:42Yeah, like when she went ring shopping alone.

00:36:44Yes, we said, Amy, this is not something

00:36:46you should be doing by yourself.

00:36:47Yeah, we told her that.

00:36:48Yeah, and she said she was...

00:36:50She was...

00:36:53She was also not there for that part either.

00:36:55That part where we told her how we really felt?

00:36:57Yeah, that part.

00:37:02I'm hungry.

00:37:03You want a little snack?

00:37:04I can offer you a pouch, some cheddar bunnies,

00:37:07or celery sticks.

00:37:09Literally just celery sticks?

00:37:10Not even peanut butter on the side?

00:37:11Oh, no.

00:37:12Peanuts are legumes, and Xander's mom

00:37:14tries to limit his legumes.

00:37:16Poor Xander.

00:37:17I know.

00:37:24Okay, were...

00:37:26Were we mean to Peter?

00:37:27No, we were not mean to Peter.

00:37:29What?

00:37:34Okay, so, like, define mean.

00:37:36Like, were our jokes mean?

00:37:37No, I mean, maybe our jokes were mean,

00:37:39but that doesn't mean that we were mean.

00:37:41Right, right, you are so right.

00:37:43You get it.

00:37:44And plus, I don't even really think

00:37:45you can be mean to somebody that you don't know.

00:37:47I never really got to know Peter.

00:37:49And now we never will.

00:37:50Tell me about it.

00:37:54I miss Amy.

00:37:55Me too.

00:37:56But her not telling us about the divorce really hurts.

00:37:58It does.

00:37:59And I mean, I don't know about you,

00:38:00but Amy and I talk all the time.

00:38:02Same!

00:38:03Like, look at my texts.

00:38:04Same!

00:38:05I text her all the time.

00:38:07All the time.

00:38:08All the time.

00:38:09All the time...

00:38:11four months ago.

00:38:12Five.

00:38:20Okay, should we just call her?

00:38:21Yeah, I feel like we're overdue for a phone call.

00:38:23And you know what?

00:38:24We'll lead with, we love you.

00:38:25We heard about what happened.

00:38:26And we want to let you know that we are here for you,

00:38:28and we just wanted to say hi.

00:38:30I love that.

00:38:31Thanks.

00:38:35I'm so happy we're doing this.

00:38:36Me too.

00:38:38Hey, it's Amy.

00:38:39Leave a message.

00:38:44She just...

00:38:45Sent us to voicemail, yeah.

00:38:48That's mean, right?

00:38:49She's mean?

00:38:50She's mean.

00:38:51She is mean.

00:38:55But I guess she is dealing with a...

00:38:57Divorce.

00:38:58Divorce, yeah.

00:38:59That's...

00:39:00It's not...

00:39:01Not great.

00:39:02What's my Postmates order?

00:39:04What'd they say?

00:39:05Where the fuck are you?

00:39:07Rude!

00:39:08Yeah.

00:39:09I'm like, what do you mean where am I?

00:39:10I'm right here.

00:39:11I'm clearly busy.

00:39:12Yeah.

00:39:13Vanessa, where the fuck are you?

00:39:14Anderson, where the fuck are you?

00:39:15Next to the big green tree.

00:39:17No, like, where are you exactly?

00:39:18All these trees look the same.

00:39:19By the, I don't know, elm?

00:39:21Let's go with elm.

00:39:22This is an elm.

00:39:23Um, I don't know what in my life has led you to believe

00:39:25that I know what an elm tree looks like,

00:39:27but I don't.

00:39:29Vanessa?

00:39:30Anderson?

00:39:31Vanessa?

00:39:32Anderson?

00:39:33Vanessa?

00:39:34Vanessa?

00:39:35Vanessa?

00:39:36Follow the sound of my voice.

00:39:37Follow the sound of my voice.

00:39:39Vanessa?

00:39:40Vanessa?

00:39:41Vanessa?

00:39:42Anderson?

00:39:43Anderson?

00:39:46You have to stop yelling my name.

00:39:47Oh my gosh, you scared me there.

00:39:49Whoa, love the pippy long stocking look.

00:39:52Oh, thank you.

00:39:53Yeah, I heard that if you french braid your hair,

00:39:55it makes you look like you've got a facelift.

00:39:57And I also recently got a facelift.

00:40:00Thanks so much for coming to family day.

00:40:02Oh, of course.

00:40:03I'm happy to.

00:40:04Plus, mom offered me 50 bucks if I came, so.

00:40:07What is family day?

00:40:09Family day is where the families of the teens come to visit,

00:40:13and we hike out to Stinson Beach

00:40:15and discuss our substance abuse issues, I think.

00:40:18Okay.

00:40:19Um, yeah, I really don't want to do any of that.

00:40:21I did just come for the 50, so.

00:40:23Absolutely.

00:40:24Quick cue, why can't you stop freeloading off mom

00:40:26and start freeloading off your boyfriend like a normal person?

00:40:29You know, it's a great cue,

00:40:30and I would counter with why can't you stop freeloading off mom.

00:40:34And it's a great counter,

00:40:35and I would say because I don't have any other option.

00:40:37That's why I said yes to this wilderness rehab retreat thing.

00:40:41Mom said if I don't complete this rehab,

00:40:43that she'd kick me out, and I cannot be homeless at 24.

00:40:4727.

00:40:4830.

00:40:50Well, anyways, to answer your initial cue,

00:40:53the reason I can't freeload off Gabriel

00:40:55is because something went down,

00:40:56and I don't really want to get into the details of it,

00:40:58but basically, when he said no, I heard him say no,

00:41:01but I didn't hear him say no.

00:41:02Do you know what I mean?

00:41:03No.

00:41:04So, like, I didn't even understand what you just said.

00:41:06So, what happened?

00:41:11♪♪

00:41:16Wow, this is hot.

00:41:19Smells like soup.

00:41:21They're scented hot stones.

00:41:24It's aromatherapy.

00:41:26♪♪

00:41:32Next, I'm going to run ice down over your body.

00:41:39♪♪

00:41:44Stop shaking, you little pig bitch.

00:41:46♪♪

00:41:52Let's get you clean, you dirty boy.

00:41:54♪♪

00:41:58Hand me that.

00:42:00♪♪

00:42:10♪♪

00:42:22Ah, goddamn.

00:42:25That was hot.

00:42:26♪♪

00:42:28Are you sure this is a sex thing?

00:42:30Just go with it.

00:42:32Ow, ow.

00:42:33One just stung me in my ear.

00:42:35♪ Bad bees, boo bees, whatcha gonna do? ♪

00:42:38♪ Whatcha gonna do when the bad bees come for you? ♪

00:42:40Bananas, bananas.

00:42:42What?

00:42:43The safe word already?

00:42:44We just got started.

00:42:45Look, I'm down for some freaky shit,

00:42:47but this doesn't even feel sexual.

00:42:49It just feels, ah, ah, dangerous.

00:42:52What's your point?

00:42:53Look, maybe we should try something

00:42:55with a little more sex and a little less honey

00:42:57in all my crevices.

00:42:59Okay, just a little more honey?

00:43:01No, no, Vanessa.

00:43:03Okay, let's compromise.

00:43:04So did you start taking a lot of baths?

00:43:06I did.

00:43:07I was taking two or three a day,

00:43:08and then my youngest wanted to get in with me,

00:43:10and after that I had to quit,

00:43:11and I've just, I've been in a tizzy ever since.

00:43:13Ah, well, Mary Grace, we gotta get you fixed up.

00:43:15Can't live life in a tizzy like that.

00:43:17Amen.

00:43:18So, okay, so how often are you and Bill,

00:43:20you know, boning?

00:43:21Not often enough.

00:43:23And I wouldn't call it boning, to be honest.

00:43:25We're like, you know, laying down together

00:43:27and moving for a little bit.

00:43:28It's just, it's just, you know,

00:43:30Bill likes things a certain way.

00:43:32You know, so we schedule it every other Monday.

00:43:35Missionary Monday is what we call it.

00:43:37It's what we put it in the calendar.

00:43:38It's like a little code, and that way people see it,

00:43:40and they think, oh, they're doing mission work,

00:43:41but it's really just sex.

00:43:42Every other Monday at 8.15 after the kids go down.

00:43:46The same sex.

00:43:47Missionary sex.

00:43:48Not even the good kind.

00:43:50Is there a good kind?

00:43:51Lauren, I just, I can't continue to be grateful.

00:43:53It's a sin.

00:43:54It's a lie.

00:43:55Okay, I mean, does he at least go down on you?

00:44:00Lauren, honey, you got me rolling.

00:44:02No.

00:44:03Not since 2001.

00:44:05Listen, when I had my first child,

00:44:07he looked me dead in the eye, and he said,

00:44:08listen, I can't go down there

00:44:09after I saw my daughter come out of there.

00:44:11And, you know, she was an 11-pound baby, but still.

00:44:14Okay, you know what, Mary Grace?

00:44:15No, fuck this guy.

00:44:16He needs to get down there and get busy.

00:44:19You know what?

00:44:20I agree.

00:44:21I've been doing my exercises for years now.

00:44:24Lord, on the wings of Jesus, I'm sharing my story.

00:44:28Okay, wow, okay, yes.

00:44:30Cheers to that, Mary Grace.

00:44:31Cheers to that.

00:44:33Mm.

00:44:34Hold on, I'm gonna be right back.

00:44:36Whoo!

00:44:37I feel alive today!

00:44:38Jesus is real!

00:44:39What the fuck?

00:44:42Okay, so.

00:44:45I went to the paint and sit, all right?

00:44:47And I didn't want to paint the hydrangeas

00:44:48that were in the sample paint,

00:44:49because I've already done that, okay?

00:44:50I got two bushes in my backyard.

00:44:51So the instructor said to me, she goes,

00:44:53just paint what calls to you.

00:44:55So I painted something.

00:44:57It's a little wild.

00:44:58And I just, I've been too afraid to show Bill.

00:45:01I've been hiding it under my bed.

00:45:03But I want to show you.

00:45:04Okay, now keep in mind,

00:45:05I had spent some time in the jacuzzi tub before I went.

00:45:10Here it is.

00:45:11It's a self-portrait.

00:45:13Oh, my God, wow!

00:45:16I mean, the writing was on the wall.

00:45:18He's not a rich man,

00:45:19and she's, I don't know, pretty-ish.

00:45:21So really, all they had keeping their marriage together

00:45:24was love?

00:45:26And I know you know this better than anyone, babe,

00:45:28because we're so good together

00:45:29that a healthy relationship is a tie-to-tie

00:45:32of wit and emotional communication.

00:45:35Without it, you have nothing.

00:45:38Unless, of course, obviously,

00:45:39one of you has stock or Bitcoin or beachside property.

00:45:42But even then, you know, it's a give and a take.

00:45:44Don't you agree?

00:45:45Do you want to stretch me or?

00:45:46Equity and communication.

00:45:49It's a give and a take.

00:45:51Oh, give me that.

00:45:53You know what I mean?

00:45:54It's like a back and a forth.

00:45:55Here's the thing about Amy and Peter.

00:45:57They were never equal.

00:45:58She always wore the pants in the relationship.

00:46:01Do you remember last summer

00:46:02when they were in town and went to Jones

00:46:03and the waitress dropped the check off

00:46:05in front of Amy?

00:46:07Amy, not Peter.

00:46:09I mean, how humiliating.

00:46:11And not just for her, for him.

00:46:13So emasculating.

00:46:15Oh, my God, honey, no.

00:46:16Somebody's gonna see you.

00:46:17You look like a wimp.

00:46:18Your arms are like tiny SpongeBob arms

00:46:20and you have the body of Kermit the Frog.

00:46:22You should really call my trainer.

00:46:25Crunches.

00:46:27Now, gentlemen, I understand that sometimes

00:46:31some of these porcupine memories

00:46:33are hard to get rid of

00:46:35and simply yelling them away is not enough.

00:46:38That's why the last thing we're gonna learn today

00:46:42will require a more aggressive approach.

00:46:45Bam! Fireworks!

00:46:48This here is the Cobra Box.

00:46:51The cobra can hypnotize its prey

00:46:54before launching for the kill.

00:46:56So inside this box

00:47:00is a bunch of crap that my ex used to own

00:47:03and then it hypnotizes me into doing stuff

00:47:06I really don't want to do,

00:47:08like text her or call her

00:47:10or drive up to her place

00:47:12and see her go in and out of her apartment

00:47:16with a random guy

00:47:17that may or may not be her new boyfriend.

00:47:19We don't know.

00:47:20What we do know is that he owns a new Tesla.

00:47:23I know it's new because it's a new model.

00:47:26And we can't keep doing that to ourselves.

00:47:30Time to destroy the Cobra Box.

00:47:33Trademark.

00:47:34Not granted because I guess there's a company in Australia

00:47:38that sells cobras in a box?

00:47:40Alright, let's get to it.

00:47:44Time to reclaim the space in our hearts.

00:48:04Well, that was disappointing.

00:48:07Oh my gosh.

00:48:09Oh my gosh.

00:48:10What am I doing?

00:48:12What is the matter with me?

00:48:14It's like I turned 38 and I went crazy.

00:48:16I'm like a horn dog.

00:48:17I just, I gotta burn this.

00:48:19No, no, no.

00:48:20Mary Grace, no.

00:48:21You listen to me, okay?

00:48:22We were not raised to talk about sex or want it,

00:48:26but we do and that is great, okay?

00:48:28So you just need to get out there

00:48:29and you need to tell Bill what you want.

00:48:31What?

00:48:32I mean, do you tell men what you want?

00:48:33Hell yeah.

00:48:34Hell yeah, I do.

00:48:35There's a fucking orgasm epidemic in this country, okay?

00:48:37And we must demand action.

00:48:39Heck yeah.

00:48:40Right?

00:48:41Heck yeah, I'm gonna do that.

00:48:42Oh, well, there he is.

00:48:43Bill!

00:48:44Bill!

00:48:45Oh.

00:48:46Bill!

00:48:47No, no, no, no, no, wait.

00:48:48Yes, I'm talking to you.

00:48:49I have needs.

00:48:50Maybe not in front of me, though.

00:48:51Maybe not in front of me.

00:48:52Hey, Bill, I need you to let this front tushy.

00:48:56I just did the Lord's work.

00:48:59I can't believe I'm in the mountains

00:49:01and I'm not on mushrooms.

00:49:03This is a first for me.

00:49:04I know.

00:49:05That must be so hard for you.

00:49:07And for you.

00:49:08Mm-hmm.

00:49:09Are you on mushrooms?

00:49:11I don't think I, you know,

00:49:12think I understand the question.

00:49:14I think you do.

00:49:16But weirdly, I'm getting like a sobriety high

00:49:18from being clean.

00:49:19Is that true?

00:49:20No.

00:49:21Yeah.

00:49:22But at least my life is going smoothly.

00:49:24Yeah.

00:49:25Is that true?

00:49:26No.

00:49:27Yeah.

00:49:28But at least my life is going better than Amy and Peter's.

00:49:30I mean, thank God someone's life is going worse than ours.

00:49:32Yeah.

00:49:33But is it?

00:49:34Because, like, you still live at home with Mom

00:49:36and I just ruined another relationship.

00:49:38God, my 16-year-old self would 100% bully me.

00:49:41Oh, my 16-year-old self would definitely make me rot.

00:49:44She'd probably Photoshop my face onto the body of a whale

00:49:47and have it printed onto T-shirts

00:49:48for everyone in the class to wear.

00:49:50Specific.

00:49:51You know what I'm realizing?

00:49:54Amy and Peter are getting a divorce,

00:49:56which means they're going to have to be single again.

00:49:58I am currently single.

00:49:59So if you really think about it,

00:50:00it's almost like I found some sort of cheat code or shortcut.

00:50:04Yeah.

00:50:05Or is it like they found somebody to love them,

00:50:08marry them, and then divorce them

00:50:10all before we found anyone to love us?

00:50:12Is it worse?

00:50:14Or is it better?

00:50:15It's probably worse.

00:50:16I think it's worse.

00:50:17Worse.

00:50:18It is worse.

00:50:20Oh.

00:50:21Oh, my God.

00:50:22Where are we?

00:50:23Are we lost?

00:50:24Where are the other campers?

00:50:25Is that what you call them?

00:50:26Campers?

00:50:27Tiny drug addicts?

00:50:28Troubled teens?

00:50:29Oh, my God, we are lost.

00:50:31Oh, my God.

00:50:32Spread out!

00:50:33♪♪

00:50:39All right, crack open another cold one,

00:50:41because you deserve it.

00:50:42Brock Daddy is so proud of you.

00:50:44Only six more videos till you've got yourself

00:50:47a brand-new deck.

00:50:50♪♪

00:51:00♪♪

00:51:10♪♪

00:51:20♪♪

00:51:30♪♪

00:51:40♪♪

00:51:50♪♪

00:52:00♪♪

00:52:06I love your deck.

00:52:08♪♪

00:52:18♪♪

00:52:28♪♪

00:52:38♪♪

00:52:46What the fuck?

00:52:47♪♪

00:52:50Nice spread.

00:52:51Gram-worthy.

00:52:52I know, I don't skimp on the sous.

00:52:54I wonder how long it's been since this was made.

00:52:58Beer. You guys want some beer?

00:53:00Sure.

00:53:01Yeah, I'll take two.

00:53:02Maybe.

00:53:06So, I'm so glad that we got to hang out.

00:53:08Kai's told me so much about you.

00:53:09Yeah, I mean, he's my best friend,

00:53:11so that makes a lot of sense.

00:53:12Listen, you know so much about me,

00:53:13but I don't really know anything about you,

00:53:15which seems unfair.

00:53:16Uh, where are you from?

00:53:17Uh, Boston. Where are you from?

00:53:19What do your parents do?

00:53:20Oh, uh, my mom's an occupational therapist,

00:53:23and my dad works for a mineral company.

00:53:25Are they still together?

00:53:26My parents? Uh, no, actually, they split up.

00:53:29How old were you?

00:53:30Eleven.

00:53:31Ah, so you come from a broken family.

00:53:33Um, I mean, I wouldn't say broken.

00:53:36It was fine. Two Christmases.

00:53:38So you're a Christian, and you're in denial.

00:53:40Got it. Okay, so would you say that your upbringing

00:53:42has had some sort of impact

00:53:43on your current thoughts on commitment?

00:53:45What?

00:53:46Do you like to get serious,

00:53:47or do you just keep things casual?

00:53:50I'm sorry.

00:53:51What's happening here?

00:53:52Cervezas.

00:53:53One for you, and one for you.

00:53:56Check it out.

00:53:57Mexican beer, Japanese sushi.

00:53:58What can I say?

00:53:59I'm giving you guys a world tour.

00:54:01You are cute.

00:54:02Isn't he the best? Yeah.

00:54:04So, uh, how many dates have you guys been on?

00:54:07Uh, technically, this is our third.

00:54:09Third? Technically?

00:54:10Well, one night we just watched Tiger King,

00:54:12so I don't know if that counts as a real date.

00:54:15Yeah, I mean, it sounds pretty casual.

00:54:18I thought it was romantic.

00:54:20Then we'll count it.

00:54:21Count it!

00:54:23Kill me.

00:54:24I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

00:54:26There are two things that will never work in a marriage.

00:54:29One, the woman wearing the pants.

00:54:31Two, the woman being a motherly figure.

00:54:34Oh, honey.

00:54:35I just think at the end of the day,

00:54:37it's like love and marriage,

00:54:39it's just, I know you know this now,

00:54:41because I've told you, it's like...

00:54:42Shut up!

00:54:43Shut the fuck up!

00:54:45Seriously!

00:54:46Shut your fucking mouth!

00:54:48Holy hell, do you ever stop talking?

00:54:50All you do is talk and talk and talk,

00:54:53and I'm starting to feel like I live in a fucking hell prison

00:54:55of your fucking voice!

00:54:57Fuck!

00:55:12I have never in my life

00:55:20been more attracted to you.

00:55:24Cool.

00:55:26We're going home and straight to the bathroom.

00:55:29Pick up all this shit.

00:55:34So rude.

00:55:35Oh my god.

00:55:36Is that...

00:55:37Maya!

00:55:39Oh my god, wow.

00:55:40You didn't even have to say hi.

00:55:41Well now we fucking do.

00:55:42Hi!

00:55:43Hannah!

00:55:44Ty!

00:55:45You guys look...

00:55:49Great!

00:55:50Holy shit, how long has it been?

00:55:53I mean, I don't think we've seen each other

00:55:55since Amy and Peter's wedding.

00:55:57Oh.

00:55:58So you heard.

00:55:59Of course.

00:56:00I was shocked to my core.

00:56:01It was very upsetting.

00:56:03A tragedy.

00:56:09So I should be going.

00:56:10Yes!

00:56:11You have to go.

00:56:12We have to go.

00:56:13Babe, come on!

00:56:14Okay, kiss kiss!

00:56:15See ya!

00:56:16Bye Maya!

00:56:19If I never see her again, it'll only be too soon.

00:56:21I know, she stresses me out.

00:56:22Me too.

00:56:23Let's breathe.

00:56:27Stay calm!

00:56:28Stay calm!

00:56:29Think.

00:56:30Peaceful thoughts.

00:56:31Think Elle Fanning.

00:56:32What?

00:56:33Why would you make me think of Elle Fanning?

00:56:34That only makes me think of Dakota Fanning,

00:56:35who used to be more famous than her sister.

00:56:37And now she's not!

00:56:38Okay, okay.

00:56:39Think.

00:56:40Think.

00:56:41Pizza!

00:56:42Pasta!

00:56:43Sweet treats!

00:56:44Cellulite!

00:56:45Fat!

00:56:46Fuck!

00:56:47I need to lose 50 pounds.

00:56:48Help!

00:56:49Someone save me!

00:56:50I mean us!

00:56:51Oh, so you can leave me down here to be eaten by wild dogs?

00:56:54You'll be fine!

00:56:55Your blood is toxic.

00:56:56Dogs can sense that.

00:56:57Ah!

00:56:58Ah!

00:56:59Bad vibes!

00:57:00We have to run!

00:57:01I have to run?

00:57:02What?

00:57:03No, we have to run!

00:57:04Come on!

00:57:05Oh my god!

00:57:10This is it.

00:57:11We're in 127 hours.

00:57:13Except for it's not going to take that long for me to die.

00:57:16I'm not a survivor.

00:57:18And I know that.

00:57:19I am starving to death.

00:57:21I can literally feel my body eating itself alive.

00:57:24I'm so thirsty.

00:57:26I need water.

00:57:27Or Diet Coke or a vodka Red Bull.

00:57:29I always knew I'd die on the side of Lord of the Rings with orcs all around me.

00:57:33I'm not an orc!

00:57:37I always thought I'd die young.

00:57:39And I'm not even that young.

00:57:41Can't even get my own tragic death right.

00:57:44We should find a pretty place to lay our bones down for the final rest.

00:57:48We need shade.

00:57:50Here.

00:57:51Take this rock and protect us from the indigenous people of this land.

00:57:56Ooh, I don't actually think there are indigenous people here anymore.

00:57:59And whose fault is that, Anderson?

00:58:01I'm so weak.

00:58:03I can feel the life draining from my arms.

00:58:06Here.

00:58:07Sketch a message into the mud so that future generations will know we were here.

00:58:16Hey guys.

00:58:17We really want to keep it down here.

00:58:19We're trying to share the forest with everyone, okay?

00:58:22We're saved!

00:58:23No, no.

00:58:24This is my ginger rehab counselor.

00:58:26I think the mushroom's just hit.

00:58:28I'm JP.

00:58:29We've met.

00:58:30And you guys have literally been five feet from the trail this entire time.

00:58:34Well, the trail.

00:58:36I mean, there are arrows in every direction.

00:58:39Might as well be written in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

00:58:42Right.

00:58:43Anderson, we're going to have to ask your sister to leave the retreat.

00:58:46You know that she's not supposed to be here, especially after what happened last time.

00:58:51Oh, come on.

00:58:52How was I supposed to know you're not allowed to bring ecstasy to a rehab picnic?

00:58:55The kids loved it!

00:58:56Calico.

00:58:57March.

00:58:59I'm serious.

00:59:17What are you doing?

00:59:19I'm working.

00:59:46I'm working.

01:00:17Shh.

01:00:33Oh, my God!

01:00:34Sam!

01:00:37Fuck you, dog!

01:00:47Get up!

01:00:52Stop whining.

01:00:55Just hold it still.

01:00:57Ow!

01:00:58Okay.

01:00:59Okay.

01:01:00Ow, ow!

01:01:01Ow!

01:01:09Is that just house tape?

01:01:10Yep.

01:01:11Ow!

01:01:16I...

01:01:17Your thumb is mangled.

01:01:18It hurts.

01:01:19Good.

01:01:20Because it means your nerves are intact and because you also deserve it.

01:01:25I deserve it?

01:01:27What are you even doing out here all day?

01:01:29Huh?

01:01:30Deserve what?

01:01:33We had plans, Sam!

01:01:39Yeah.

01:01:43You're right.

01:01:46Baby, you really should have said something.

01:01:49Oh.

01:01:50Should I have?

01:01:51Yeah.

01:01:52I think it would be...

01:01:53Oh, yeah?

01:01:54Oh, wow!

01:01:56Jesus!

01:01:59I'll...

01:02:01I am always the one.

01:02:06I am always picking you up.

01:02:10Always!

01:02:12Why?

01:02:20You slap me really hard.

01:02:22You don't think I know what this is about?

01:02:24Who?

01:02:25This is about?

01:02:28Yeah.

01:02:30What?

01:02:31Yeah!

01:02:32No!

01:02:34You're kidding!

01:02:35No, I wanted to do something.

01:02:38I wanted to do something.

01:02:40To make something.

01:02:42With these.

01:02:45So poetic.

01:02:49God!

01:02:51You...

01:02:52You cheat of fucking glass!

01:02:58What?

01:03:00Theo, where are you going?

01:03:02I have plans, Sam.

01:03:04Lots of them.

01:03:08Fuck!

01:03:23Hello?

01:03:26Raymond?

01:03:27Building something?

01:03:30Yeah.

01:03:31A deck.

01:03:33How long you been there?

01:03:34Wife troubles?

01:03:35No, she's my fiance.

01:03:36What did you say?

01:03:38Fiance.

01:03:39No, no, what did you do?

01:03:42Oh.

01:03:44It's complicated.

01:03:46We'll be alright.

01:03:52It...

01:03:53You know, it's just this girl I used to date.

01:03:56She's married, but she's getting a divorce now.

01:03:58It's stupid.

01:04:03What's so funny?

01:04:06You still love this girl?

01:04:10I don't think it's about that.

01:04:11Casual dalliance then?

01:04:13What?

01:04:14Left-handed honeymoon?

01:04:15What?

01:04:16Do you want to sleep with her?

01:04:18No, no.

01:04:20Ray.

01:04:22I have a fiance.

01:04:23Yeah, you said that already.

01:04:25Yeah.

01:04:27I did.

01:04:28Yeah, by the sound of it, you still do.

01:04:31Take it from me, kid.

01:04:32You get the beginning, you get the end.

01:04:34And usually, the only thing separating the two is a lot of wasted time.

01:04:38Hey, Ray.

01:04:40Are you good with this stuff?

01:04:41Women?

01:04:43No, lumber.

01:04:44I know a thing or two.

01:04:47Can you teach me?

01:04:48Oh, sure.

01:04:49You just hit the nail on the head.

01:04:51No.

01:04:54I mean, would you come over here and help me build it?

01:04:57Ah.

01:04:59No.

01:05:01No?

01:05:02No, don't got the time.

01:05:03Tomorrow then?

01:05:05Nope, can't.

01:05:06Why?

01:05:07Well...

01:05:09You're an asshole to my dog.

01:05:13Well, why didn't you say anything then?

01:05:16Son.

01:05:19I was in the war.

01:05:22Oh.

01:05:27Oh.

01:05:33Wow.

01:05:57Wow, four dates.

01:05:59You guys are getting pretty serious.

01:06:00You guys gonna meet each other's parents soon?

01:06:03Um...

01:06:05I don't know what it is about eating outside.

01:06:08I mean, the food just tastes better.

01:06:10Alcohol tastes better too.

01:06:11So true.

01:06:13Fuck.

01:06:14I forgot the limes.

01:06:15That's okay.

01:06:16No, I have a whole bag and they're really old.

01:06:17And if we don't use them, they're gonna go bad.

01:06:18Well, I can get them.

01:06:19I'll be right back.

01:06:21So what are your intentions with Kai?

01:06:22What?

01:06:23Kai is fragile, okay?

01:06:25And if you're not in it for the long haul,

01:06:27If you're not in it for the long haul,

01:06:28I'm talking holding hands and dying in bed together.

01:06:31Like the notebook?

01:06:32Please do not bring that film up right now.

01:06:34I cannot handle that.

01:06:35Okay?

01:06:36Anyways, if you're here to just have fun or something,

01:06:38then you might as well leave now and spare us all the heartbreak, okay?

01:06:41Dude, what is your deal?

01:06:43Are you seeing other guys?

01:06:44Are you clean?

01:06:45Excuse me?

01:06:46Sexually.

01:06:47Yeah, I know what you mean.

01:06:48When's the last time you had unprotected sex?

01:06:49Oh my God.

01:06:50Hey, bad news.

01:06:51Motherfucker knew it.

01:06:52Limes are old.

01:06:53Good news.

01:06:54Neighbor said we could borrow some of theirs.

01:06:55I'll be right back.

01:06:56I just don't think you're right for each other.

01:06:57Dude.

01:06:58I mean, do you even want kids?

01:06:59I don't know, maybe one day.

01:07:00Maybe one day.

01:07:01Unbelievable.

01:07:02I'm 21.

01:07:03Yeah, my mom had me when she was 23.

01:07:05Well, times have changed.

01:07:06Times have changed.

01:07:08Because now, commitment doesn't matter.

01:07:10Marriage doesn't mean anything.

01:07:11This is all just a bunch of bullshit.

01:07:13And whatever you're here to do, okay, it's just not gonna work out.

01:07:15So you might as well leave before somebody gets hurt.

01:07:17Fine.

01:07:21You know, I don't know what I did or said to make you hate me,

01:07:24but this conversation is fucked up.

01:07:26You guys can have each other.

01:07:28Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:07:29I can't handle your roommate.

01:07:30I am so sorry, but he's just been having a really shitty day.

01:07:34He found out that his sister's getting a divorce.

01:07:36Really?

01:07:38Yeah, I just found out.

01:07:40I'm sorry.

01:07:42No, I'm sorry.

01:07:44I've acted like such a dick.

01:07:46It's just this whole thing is fucking with me, you know?

01:07:48Like, I always thought that love was real.

01:07:50Love is real.

01:07:52I mean, sometimes it's scary and it doesn't work out,

01:07:55but it's definitely real.

01:07:58Yeah, man, just hang in there.

01:08:01Things will sort themselves out.

01:08:06Do you guys think we should have a threesome?

01:08:12Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I did it!

01:08:15I did it!

01:08:16Did sex?

01:08:17Yes, with Bill.

01:08:19A ton.

01:08:20He loves it.

01:08:21He's even got a name for my front tushy.

01:08:23Calls it the open road.

01:08:25Okay, that's sweet.

01:08:27Uh, yeah.

01:08:28And, girl, did he drive down the open road!

01:08:32Whoo!

01:08:34Did you know that sex on a trampoline is a weightless gift?

01:08:37I did not know that, but good to know.

01:08:40Got a little tramp burn on my belly, but it was worth it.

01:08:44Girl, I'm getting a tour of my house and home

01:08:46like I've never seen it before.

01:08:48And Bill says he's awake for the first time

01:08:50since W got elected.

01:08:52Okay, well, listen, Mary Grace,

01:08:54I am so happy for you, and I guess for Bill, too.

01:08:57I cannot thank you enough.

01:08:59I am sending you an edible arrangement today.

01:09:02No, no, no, no, don't do that.

01:09:03That's not necessary.

01:09:04It's already done.

01:09:05I got your address from your mother.

01:09:07And don't you worry.

01:09:08I told her you were well acquainted

01:09:10with the man in town, and rest assured...

01:09:13Wait, wait, wait.

01:09:14You told my mom what?

01:09:15What, Bill?

01:09:16Mary Grace, what did you tell her?

01:09:17Oh, it's ready?

01:09:18Mary Grace, okay.

01:09:19I gotta go.

01:09:20I'ma show Bill how to use the jacuzzi jets.

01:09:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:09:22Did you say 32 dicks?

01:09:23Mary Grace?

01:09:24Bye, Lauren.

01:09:25Jesus and Bill and I love you so much.

01:09:27What does my mom know?

01:09:28What does she know?

01:09:30Jaime.

01:09:32Come on, man.

01:09:34You're better than this.

01:09:37No, I'm not.

01:09:47Hi, Jaime.

01:10:06It's been a while.

01:10:09Hey.

01:10:10I miss you.

01:10:12Well, it's a little too late for that.

01:10:15I made a huge mistake.

01:10:17I should have given you a second chance.

01:10:20Well, too bad, because I moved on, okay?

01:10:23No, you haven't.

01:10:25You still listened to Adele and Sam Smith every night

01:10:28until your eyes burned with salty tears.

01:10:30Shut up.

01:10:31That's not true.

01:10:32See?

01:10:33You were always pretending to be someone you're not

01:10:35because you were so afraid that I wouldn't love the real you.

01:10:38Oh, please.

01:10:39You kept getting distant until I didn't recognize you anymore.

01:10:42Well, surprise, surprise.

01:10:44The sock has all the answers.

01:10:46And what do you have, hmm?

01:10:48A drum set.

01:10:49Big man on campus with a drum set.

01:10:52Oh, wait.

01:10:54You're not on campus because you didn't go back to school.

01:10:57You know what?

01:10:58That's it.

01:10:59I'm so done.

01:11:00So done.

01:11:04I am so done.

01:11:07So...

01:11:12Oh, wait.

01:11:13Let's be friends with benefits,

01:11:15and maybe we'll fall in love slowly again.

01:11:18Oh, baby.

01:11:19I'm sorry.

01:11:20I can't let you go.

01:11:23I still love you.

01:11:27Oh, shit.

01:11:28Phil, we got 30 minutes before the kids get home, all right?

01:11:31So let's pave this open road with Jacuzzi's finest.

01:11:35Woo!

01:11:36Fuck.

01:11:37Fuck.

01:11:42What the fuck?

01:11:46Hey, hey, hey.

01:11:47You okay?

01:11:48Oh, hey, neighbor.

01:11:50I'm fine.

01:11:51I'm fine.

01:11:52I was just, um...

01:11:53Reclaiming your space?

01:11:54Can you...

01:11:55Hear all the inspirational shit that you're shouting all day?

01:11:58I can, yeah.

01:11:59You know, thin walls.

01:12:00But don't worry, though.

01:12:01I'm sure you hear all kind of crazy shit from my place, too.

01:12:03No.

01:12:04No, not at all.

01:12:05I mean, except that you've had 32 dicks in your body.

01:12:10That was the TV.

01:12:11Oh.

01:12:12Yeah.

01:12:13Okay, well, I was just making sure that no one was dead out here,

01:12:16or, like, exploded into pieces.

01:12:18So, check.

01:12:19I'm gonna go back inside.

01:12:21Wait.

01:12:23Um, if you're not doing anything,

01:12:26do you want to come over and have a drink?

01:12:30Oh.

01:12:32Oh, uh...

01:12:34Yeah, I think probably not, but thank you.

01:12:37And, you know, don't sweat it,

01:12:38because I know that you're going through a lot,

01:12:40but sooner or later you'll hook up with someone hot.

01:12:44Trademark.

01:12:46That was the TV.

01:12:47Right.

01:12:49You know what?

01:12:50Ah, fuck it.

01:12:51Let's do it.

01:12:52Really?

01:12:53Yeah, just, uh...

01:12:54Just know that if this ends up in your vlog,

01:12:56I will key your car.

01:12:57That's fair.

01:12:58All right, come on.

01:13:00Lucky number 33.

01:13:02Oh, fuck off.

01:13:03Hey, um, sorry I got you in trouble with that ginger.

01:13:06It's okay.

01:13:07He's whatever.

01:13:08It's kind of nice having someone care enough

01:13:10to recognize a bad influence.

01:13:11You know what I mean?

01:13:12Totally.

01:13:13So, are you gonna stick with this whole sober thing?

01:13:16I think I am.

01:13:17After hearing about Amy and Peter,

01:13:19it's made me think,

01:13:20if I don't quit on this rehab thing,

01:13:22I might have a chance to restart, you know?

01:13:24Yeah, I do know.

01:13:26It's made me realize that I...

01:13:28I can't quit on Gabriel, you know?

01:13:30I have to go back and try to fuck my boyfriend in the ass.

01:13:33Oh, so that's something I think you should quit on.

01:13:36Okay.

01:13:37Just relax, you know?

01:13:39Let all your beasting soak.

01:13:42Man, you got stung so many times.

01:13:45No one could have seen that coming.

01:13:47I saw it coming,

01:13:48until they started going for my eyes.

01:13:49Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

01:13:50No, no, no.

01:13:51But how do you feel?

01:13:55This is actually really nice.

01:13:57I know.

01:13:58It's a little bit tight,

01:14:00so I'm just gonna slip into here,

01:14:03and you're gonna dip and give me your bottom.

01:14:06Okay.

01:14:07Oh, this is good.

01:14:08I feel really vulnerable in this position.

01:14:11I feel great.

01:14:12I feel very powerful.

01:14:13I feel like I could do anything to you,

01:14:15and I wouldn't get in trouble

01:14:17because I would have better lawyers than you,

01:14:19and it would be my word against yours.

01:14:21That's a very specific fantasy.

01:14:23Deep breath.

01:14:25Now I'm going to insert my little finger

01:14:28into your little butthole.

01:14:30Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:14:31What's happening here?

01:14:32This has gone from like zero to 60.

01:14:34I thought you just wanted me to tie you up

01:14:36or lightly choke you.

01:14:37What is this?

01:14:38Amateur night at the Apollo?

01:14:39Why are you so paranoid about us losing the passion?

01:14:42We have great sex.

01:14:43We're going to keep having great sex

01:14:45because I love you, okay?

01:14:50Wait, really?

01:14:51Yeah.

01:14:52I know it's really soon for me to say that,

01:14:54but I do.

01:14:58I do, too.

01:15:02I guess...

01:15:03I guess I was trying to make you do all that crazy stuff

01:15:07because, you know,

01:15:08my friends Amy and Peter are getting divorced,

01:15:11and they're our age,

01:15:12and I just feel like if the passion can die for them,

01:15:14then it can die for us.

01:15:16I won't let that happen.

01:15:19Think you swear?

01:15:21Not that.

01:15:24Okay, just this once.

01:15:26Right, just this once.

01:15:27Because next time it will be this.

01:15:29Vanessa, no.

01:15:30Yes.

01:15:31No, Vanessa.

01:15:32Drop it.

01:15:33Drop it.

01:15:34It's a deal breaker.

01:15:35Drop it.

01:15:36It's a deal breaker.

01:15:37Just the pinky.

01:15:38Put it to the side.

01:15:39Just the pinky.

01:15:40Okay.

01:15:48Your grandparents really knew how to keep the love alive.

01:15:51Yeah.

01:15:54How long were they married for?

01:15:57About 63 years.

01:15:59You know, that's before my grandma...

01:16:00Died?

01:16:03Right.

01:16:06So can I have this?

01:16:08You want a photo of my dead grandparents?

01:16:10Yeah.

01:16:11I mean, they're dead, and...

01:16:12I understand, it's just...

01:16:13She always loved us.

01:16:14Sure.

01:16:15So can I have this, or are you just...

01:16:17What?

01:16:19Why don't we come back to the photo?

01:16:22Yeah.

01:16:23Yeah.

01:16:24Okay.

01:16:25Great.

01:16:31What about bubbles?

01:16:33You want bubbles?

01:16:34You always hated my fish.

01:16:35No, that's not what I'm saying.

01:16:37Well, then what are you saying?

01:16:38I think we should split her 50-50.

01:16:42How the fuck do you split a fish?

01:16:44You get half, I get half.

01:16:45It's the only way.

01:16:46I'm confused.

01:16:47Are you saying that you want to kill my fish?

01:16:48You said you wanted to be fair, and this is fair.

01:16:51So we just got to burn her up and split the bitch's ashes.

01:16:54What is wrong with you?

01:16:55What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:16:57You care more about a fish dying than our death, our proverbial death.

01:17:04You should be sad.

01:17:05I am sad.

01:17:06Oh, yeah, you have a funny way of showing it.

01:17:08What the fuck are you talking about?

01:17:16Amy?

01:17:17What if I lit this book on fire?

01:17:18Would that make you sad?

01:17:19Amy?

01:17:20How would that make you feel sad, Peter?

01:17:23Amy, no.

01:17:24No, you wouldn't do that.

01:17:26You know how much Michelle means to me.

01:17:28You're going to cry, Peter?

01:17:29You're looking a little teary-eyed.

01:17:31You are acting insane right now.

01:17:33I just want you to care.

01:17:34I do care.

01:17:35Oh, yeah.

01:17:36But clearly, I can't convince you of it,

01:17:38so if you're going to burn that book, burn the fucking book.

01:17:41We're getting off track.

01:17:42The point is, a ten-year relationship is ending,

01:17:46and you haven't shed a single fucking tear.

01:17:48Oh, so just because you've cried, you're better than me.

01:17:50Yes, that is exactly what that means.

01:17:52I cry, okay?

01:17:53I can cry.

01:17:54Oh, yeah?

01:17:55Yeah, this shit is hard for me, too.

01:17:56Then cry.

01:17:57Cry, you fucking pussy.

01:17:59Fine.

01:18:07Motherfucker.

01:18:09What?

01:18:10I got to, like, get there.

01:18:11Yeah, get there.

01:18:18Oh, God!

01:18:19What is running with me?

01:18:23What are you doing?

01:18:27Stab me.

01:18:28What?

01:18:29Take these scissors and stab me.

01:18:30Absolutely not.

01:18:31Come on.

01:18:32I need, like, a physical push.

01:18:33I'm clearly not getting there emotionally.

01:18:34You know, just like a...

01:18:35And then I'm there.

01:18:36No.

01:18:37What if I, like, hit an artery or something?

01:18:39What the fuck do you know about arteries?

01:18:40Nothing, and I don't want to fuck around with them.

01:18:42Okay, fine.

01:18:44Um...

01:18:45Hit me.

01:18:46What?

01:18:47Hit me in the face.

01:18:48Right?

01:18:49Okay, sure.

01:18:50Um, okay, cool.

01:18:51So, but wait, not too hard.

01:18:52I don't want to bruise.

01:18:53Seriously?

01:18:54What?

01:18:55Do you want people to think that you beat me?

01:18:56Good point.

01:18:57So, um...

01:18:58Punch me in the stomach.

01:18:59Okay.

01:19:00Perfect.

01:19:01You know?

01:19:02Okay, yeah, I can do that.

01:19:03It won't be too bad, but it'll be enough.

01:19:04Okay.

01:19:05Right?

01:19:06Okay.

01:19:07All right, so I'm just gonna flex.

01:19:08Ow!

01:19:09What the fuck?

01:19:10Oh, sorry.

01:19:11It was just a reflex.

01:19:12Oh, God, you fucking asshole.

01:19:13I'm the asshole?

01:19:14Yes, this is all your fault.

01:19:15Right.

01:19:16I'm the monster.

01:19:17I never said you were a monster.

01:19:18Yeah, well, you sure act like it.

01:19:20Like, it's my fault that we aren't where we used to be.

01:19:22Well, it's...

01:19:23It is partially your fault.

01:19:26Yeah, but it's also yours, you know?

01:19:28Like, it takes two to dance or whatever.

01:19:31Sure, but that's not a phrase.

01:19:37God, this just fucking sucks.

01:19:46Oh, my God.

01:19:48What?

01:19:49You're crying.

01:19:57I fucking did it.

01:19:59You fucking did it.

01:20:01Oh, fuck.

01:20:02Oh, my God.

01:20:04Wait.

01:20:05I think I have another one coming.

01:20:07Give it to me.

01:20:08It's fucking coming.

01:20:09Oh, come for me.

01:20:10It's fucking coming.

01:20:12It's fucking coming.

01:20:14Oh, it's coming.

01:20:20Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

01:20:22Yes.

01:20:27Yes, we made it.

01:20:30Thank God we were invited this time.

01:20:32Were you guys invited?

01:20:34Oh, I forwarded them the link.

01:20:36Okay, so can I ask,

01:20:38is the divorce weighing heavily on anyone else?

01:20:40Yes.

01:20:41Yeah.

01:20:42Um, no.

01:20:43Yeah, I'm doing fine.

01:20:44Honestly, you guys,

01:20:45it has, like, deeply affected me.

01:20:47You should hear what I tried to do to my boyfriend.

01:20:50Seriously, Hannah,

01:20:51I want to tell you what I tried to do to my boyfriend.

01:20:56Okay, anyone else want to weigh in?

01:20:59For me, the divorce has had a deep effect on my spirit.

01:21:02You still at rehab with the teens?

01:21:04Wilderness rehab?

01:21:06Right.

01:21:07No, I'm with my new guru, Vishnu.

01:21:09Oh, God.

01:21:10Anderson, did you join another cult?

01:21:12We talked about this.

01:21:13Hard to say.

01:21:14Well, I don't know how the news has really affected me,

01:21:16but it sent my mom down a real spiral

01:21:18that ended with her setting up a call

01:21:20with my former youth pastor

01:21:22that took a very sexually explicit turn.

01:21:24Huh.

01:21:25Yeah, I took the news pretty badly,

01:21:27but thankfully my friends have been there for me.

01:21:29Hi, everyone.

01:21:30Hey.

01:21:31Who are these children?

01:21:32And where are Amy and Peter?

01:21:33It's like one depressing group call was bad enough,

01:21:35but then to schedule a second one and then show up late?

01:21:38Yeah, I was really looking forward to seeing Peter.

01:21:40You're the only one.

01:21:41I heard that.

01:21:42Okay, Noah, relax.

01:21:43Why don't you just go make out with one of your partners?

01:21:45Oh, my God.

01:21:46Is this what they call a throuple?

01:21:48Oh, bitch, don't act like you don't know what a threesome is.

01:21:50I was there on Halloween 2012.

01:21:52Shut up, Anderson.

01:21:53Boop.

01:21:54Just fuck off right now.

01:21:55Vishnu, they're messing with my spirit again.

01:21:57Oh, my God.

01:21:58Anderson, shut the fuck up with your fake sobriety.

01:22:01It's not fake.

01:22:02I am sober from synthetic drugs.

01:22:05There is no difference.

01:22:06If you're sober, you're sober.

01:22:08Anderson, you keep bringing up stupid shit from college.

01:22:11Peter is such an amazing guy.

01:22:13He's like a 10 out of 10 dude.

01:22:15Noah, Noah, enough.

01:22:16It wasn't a threesome.

01:22:17It was like someone happened to be in the room.

01:22:18I left the camp a little early.

01:22:20Yeah, I called it a camp.

01:22:21It didn't feel like a rehab to me.

01:22:23It was too many hot kids.

01:22:24I didn't want to be on the Zoom call.

01:22:25I'm realizing I didn't want to be on this.

01:22:27Yes, Ty, let's go to the park.

01:22:28Well, fuck you.

01:22:29And fuck you.

01:22:30I'm not even talking to you.

01:22:32Toodles, bitch.

01:22:33Thank you, guys.

01:22:34Thank you for inviting us this time.

01:22:35You guys are all just jealous because my boyfriend

01:22:37won't let me peg him in none of yours.

01:22:38Well, who cares?

01:22:39Goodbye, you guys.

01:22:40I'm leaving.

01:22:42I miss Peter.

01:22:43Oh, wow.

01:22:45Yeah.

01:22:46I love you.

01:22:48I love you, too.

01:22:51It's so sweet that you're so in touch with your emotions now.

01:22:54Yeah.

01:22:56It's like the switch got turned on,

01:22:59and I can't turn it off.

01:23:02Yeah, turn it off.

01:23:04Yeah, okay.

01:23:09You think we should tell our friends

01:23:11about calling off the whole...

01:23:13Divorce thing?

01:23:15Yeah.

01:23:23Do you think we could not tell them?

01:23:26Oh, thank God.

01:23:27Yeah, I really didn't want to go through that again.

01:23:30Me neither.

01:23:38I think I hate our friends.

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