rendered on my macbook pro with water cooling (glass of water)
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Category
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GamingTranscript
00:00Hey, hey people, Seph here.
00:01What is a League of Legends?
00:03That's a very good question.
00:04On the surface, it's a MOBA, which is still popular,
00:07despite most games ending after top or mid feeds free kills.
00:10A snowball of mistakes which start the moment you begin queuing.
00:13Win or lose, the only victory is choosing not to play.
00:16Each day, I leave a dirty dish on the counter.
00:18Each day, I come back and the ants establish a new silk road
00:21to carry my table scraps.
00:23League players are much the same.
00:25They're conditioned for abuse and return to their abuser without fail
00:28because they're going to change for real this time.
00:31Door dashing, a bottom-friendly diet, prepares the League player
00:34for a lifetime of incontinence as they get shafted daily by Riot Games.
00:38Kumklot going up my brain, I'm gonna die,
00:40are the last words of each individual that subjugates their white matter to League.
00:44Their lifeless body is found at the computer and their parents cry
00:48as they explain to the coroner that the purple-skinned midget dwarves
00:51their son was fapping to was, in fact,
00:53popular characters Lulu and Tristana from League of Legends.
00:56And this will be your fate, should you ignore my warnings.
00:59The big question on everyone's mind, is Dota 2 better than-
01:03Yes, yes it is.
01:04Then again, this is a comparison between playing with emotionally unstable Germans
01:08and whoever hasn't been conscripted to the front lines.
01:11They're not playing to win, they're playing to forget
01:13because this is their last solo queue before getting deployed to Donbass.
01:16Additionally, every dollar spent on League is a dollar spent
01:19on the 2027 reunification of Chinese Taipei.
01:22Every dollar spent on Dota is another calorie consumed by Gabe Newell.
01:27But you'll never play that because all the female bot lane characters are in League
01:30and you'll continue in the hopes of finding a mentally unstable e-girl
01:34with borderline personality disorder,
01:36so her insane demonic genes may combine with your autism.
01:39You will flood the earth with your autistic nonverbal offspring.
01:43The meek shall inherit bronze free,
01:45which by that point will be even lower and the average rank will be Driftwood 5.
01:49Son, I have a confession to make.
01:51I invested your entire trust fund into BasedGroperCoin
01:54and unfortunately, I lost everything.
01:56Luckily, I still had 500 bucks to buy the new Faker Ahri skin.
02:00Please, don't rope yourself.
02:02Think of how much rope I'm gonna be shooting
02:03when your diabetic mother cosplays her at PAX East.
02:07Unfortunately, we're in debt and I'm forced to sell you off to a wealthy,
02:10charismatic homosexual.
02:11Please, forgive me in the same way that I've already forgiven myself.
02:15You couldn't understand the philosophy of his company by seeing which champions they release.
02:19After all, they know their audience.
02:21Women for the porn-sick gooners,
02:23women for the e-kittens dating them,
02:25and children for Jax players.
02:27Why even spend money on gifting your e-girl skins
02:30when you can save 80% by lacing her drinking water with fluoxetine for the same effect?
02:35I have a theory about League and it pertains to all mainstream multiplayer games.
02:39Chat filters in moderation don't fix the problem.
02:42They only serve to stifle the Ahrian spirit.
02:44Now, everyone's become a little tattletale skirting around the rules,
02:48trying to infuriate you so they can send their epic report to Daddy Riot.
02:52You know what this makes you?
02:53You're the same as that one kid who cries to the principal,
02:56snitches get stitches,
02:57and if it were up to me,
02:58we'd take you to Birmingham and stone you to death in Sharia Court.
03:01You cannot suppress the human condition.
03:04We are the sons of the retards you could not lobotomize.
03:07Similarly, Vanguard doesn't prevent cheating.
03:10The only purpose of it is for Xi Shu Hong Xue,
03:13intern at Riot Games,
03:14to push a bad update and destroy my computer.
03:16You know how you cheat in this game?
03:18You make a smurf,
03:19and then you're at a level playing field because everyone else made one before you.
03:22At this point, there's no such thing as a new player,
03:25only a Yasuo main who can't leave silver.
03:27Despite this, Riot will never do anything,
03:30which is probably for the best,
03:31as any decision they've ever taken is always the worst.
03:34Come back in a few years when surrender votes start at 10 minutes,
03:37and simply thinking of a racial slur activates Vanguard.
03:41League is an ontological anchor in time.
03:43We represent our lives not in years,
03:45but as a motion before and after quitting League.
03:48Tyler1 got perma-banned,
03:50now he's a father.
03:51Videogamedunkey banned himself,
03:53now he's pregnant.
03:54I got 30-day chat restricted.
03:55Now, I take subcutaneous clitoral injections of 5cc trenbolone,
03:59and I've never felt better.
04:01League is the demi-urge.
04:03To break out of this asylum,
04:04you must realize there is no lock or key,
04:07and we may simply walk away.
04:10Despite my critique, there is a purpose to League.
04:12It's the best psychological evaluation out there.
04:15Forget the MBTI or whatever.
04:17We need to conduct job interviews by making the applicant play League of Legends.
04:21Everything you need to know about a person's character,
04:23you'll learn from watching Ranked Solo Q,
04:26and make sure he's playing a support.
04:28If your friendship can withstand League,
04:30it's already tested,
04:31and we stand as brothers.
04:32I rendered this in 4K on my MacBook Pro.
04:35Hopefully, the extra effort comes through.
04:37The personal computer is a modern manifestation of Solomon's Temple.
04:41Leaving a pulmonary embolism on Google servers
04:44is the least I can do.
04:45Initially, I thought a lot of people complaining about audio were audiophiles.
04:49These are people who molest music instead of children.
04:52It is my unfortunate discovery that after five years of doing this full-time,
04:56that I have been recording audio with an XLR microphone
05:00without installing any drivers.
05:02However, like a mama bird vomiting my regurgitated food into your mouth,
05:06I know what you truly need.
05:08So, it has been unfortunate for the listener that I must inform you,
05:11I've uninstalled them,
05:12and have no intention of getting better.
05:15In fact, I'll make it worse.
05:16As always, more content to come, so stay tuned.
05:19A warm thanks to the many members of the Merchant's Guild,
05:22gang-stalking my enemies until they die.
05:24You're all truly wonderful.
05:26I have no idea who these men are,
05:28and I'm not complicit in any crimes.
05:30Your honor, have a good one.