Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I don't think so, Kenny.
00:18Huh?
00:19I can't just throw money away.
00:20I got a baby now.
00:21Besides, I never win.
00:22That's what makes you an essential cog in the machine.
00:24Now come on, pony up.
00:26I need this money for Zoey's college fund.
00:28Hmm.
00:29You sound like Phil in Operations.
00:32He was a family man, too.
00:34Didn't play the baseball pool.
00:36Said he was saving for his kid's braces.
00:39Or maybe it was his insulin.
00:40Anyway, whatever happened to old Phil?
00:45Selling candy in the lobby, isn't he?
00:48Okay, fine.
00:49One square.
00:50Money well spent.
00:51Next item, Walcott's birthday.
00:53Stripper fund!
00:55Okay, Zoey.
00:58This is a tacky haircut.
01:02Those aren't real.
01:03And, oh, these people adopted a baby, but it was a publicity move to cover up the fact
01:09that they're both gay.
01:10Yes, they are.
01:11Yes, they are gay.
01:12That's right.
01:13Mommy's home.
01:14Oh, hi, Mrs. Mack.
01:17How was your me time?
01:19Great.
01:20Did you eat this whole bag of cookies?
01:21Yeah.
01:22I don't know why I bother.
01:23I mean, no matter how much I eat, I just can't seem to put on any weight.
01:27How horrible for you.
01:30Hello, Busy.
01:32Hey, there's my favorite guy in the whole world.
01:35Well, that's a greeting.
01:37Come here and lick my face.
01:39Huh?
01:40How are you, Charlie?
01:41How's my little huggy buggy?
01:43Yeah.
01:44Oh, hey, Mr. Mack.
01:46Can't see you.
01:50You know, I think it just might be time for your shots.
01:54Oh, Daryl, I know money's tight, but it means so much to me to have Busy's help.
02:00Glad we can afford it, honey.
02:02Just those couple of hours a day keep me from going stir crazy.
02:05Well, it's not my way to brag, but I do take a quiet pride in the comfortable life I've
02:10carved out for my family.
02:20I want to be Ken Griffey, Jr.
02:23No, I want to be Ken Griffey, Jr.
02:32Sainsbury's Hervis.
02:50Take her inside, boys.
02:58That's the biggest friggin' TV I ever saw.
03:01Maybe that's because it's the biggest one ever made.
03:04Does it have picture in picture?
03:06This baby has picture in picture in picture.
03:09It's like looking into the face of God.
03:11Amen.
03:13All right.
03:15Carl, what's this all about?
03:17Oh, just a little impulse purchase to celebrate my new position.
03:21New position?
03:22My husband is the head groundskeeper for our local Major League Baseball team.
03:27Yeah, I've been getting calls all day from the other sprinkler guys.
03:30It's big news when one of us makes the show.
03:32Carl, that's wonderful.
03:34Don't you think having the TV flown in is a bit much?
03:36Daryl, if Steve Wynn thought that way, Las Vegas wouldn't have an exploding volcano.
03:41Hey, laughing boy.
03:43You see this 50?
03:46Don't scratch the goods. I'll give you the other half.
03:48Yes, sir.
03:53I never noticed how attractive Carl is.
03:56What he sees, he wants.
03:58What he wants, he takes.
04:00Forget Ted Griffey Jr.
04:02I want to be Carl Bitterman.
04:05He's my dad.
04:06Hey!
04:07Why don't you go pretend to be a dumbass heart surgeon like your dad?
04:11Why don't you...
04:14It's Daryl, right?
04:16We met at the high school prom.
04:20Isn't it great about Carl's new job?
04:22Yeah, great.
04:23We're so happy these days.
04:24It's nice to see other people happy, too.
04:27Hello, everybody. I'm Bob Costas.
04:29And I hope you're watching tonight's game in color
04:31because I have never seen a ball field in better condition.
04:34Kudos to new groundskeeper Carl Bitterman.
04:37He's mowing his way to Cooperstown.
04:39This is my favorite program.
04:41Baseball?
04:42No, I'm watching Buffy on Carl's TV.
04:45You're like so undead.
04:51And it's a routine pop-up to short.
04:53Salazar squeezes it for the out.
04:55Come on! Come on! Run it out!
04:57What's the matter? Your wallet weighing you down?
04:59Daryl, I'm trying to get Zoe to sleep.
05:01Oh, sorry. I'm in the office pool.
05:04See, you buy a square, and then the numbers 0 to 9
05:06are randomly ascribed to each side of the grid.
05:08And the winner is the person whose square's coordinates
05:10match the final score.
05:12That did it.
05:14So what numbers did you get?
05:155-5.
05:16I didn't know they had ties in baseball.
05:18No, they don't.
05:19The final score would have to be 15 to 5.
05:21That doesn't seem very likely.
05:23It's not the worst square. It's not 9-9.
05:25All I meant was that...
05:26Why don't you just say it, Wanda?
05:27I'm a loser. I can't cut it man-wise.
05:29And it's fitting that I have a wee little TV
05:31because I'm a wee little man.
05:32Are you jealous because Carl has a much, much bigger TV?
05:36What? No.
05:37I've got a beautiful wife and daughter.
05:39What do I care about material things?
05:41Okay.
05:42I'm as happy and contented as a cow.
05:44Fine.
05:49So what's the score?
05:54Huh?
05:58Carl, you're putting in an ornamental gate?
06:00Yeah. I bought it off Charles Barkley.
06:02He's going Mediterranean.
06:04Morning, Dilbert.
06:05Morning, Hef.
06:06Still working for the man, huh?
06:07I like the man.
06:08Eh, too bad your fancy college degree
06:10doesn't stack up next to my dad's union connections.
06:13Rodney, what'd I tell you about the less fortunate?
06:15They're a drain on society.
06:17And?
06:18They're but for the grace of God, galois.
06:20That's right.
06:22Because they're young, huh?
06:25Daryl was such a pill last night.
06:27Well, did you try building up his ego?
06:29You know, telling him he's strong and handsome and all that BS?
06:32I told him I was completely satisfied with the size of our TV.
06:36But are you?
06:38If it was a little bigger, I wouldn't complain.
06:42Like how much bigger?
06:44Like what Carl gave Melinda.
06:46That thing was big.
06:48Huge.
06:49Ginormous.
06:53Well, I'm sure Daryl will snap out of it.
06:55He said he had to stop somewhere on the way home,
06:57and that usually means flowers.
07:03Holy crap!
07:07You can have him.
07:08Forget you, man.
07:09My time's valuable.
07:11You could earn sideburns.
07:12Duh.
07:20Oh, Mr. McPherson.
07:22Yours is a very storied name.
07:24Really?
07:25Throughout history, the McPherson clan's skill in the arts
07:29has been surpassed only by their savagery in battle.
07:32I knew it!
07:33Would you like to see your family's coat of arms?
07:35Lead the way!
07:39Your family's skill in the arts
07:41has been surpassed only by their savagery in battle.
07:44Oh, no.
07:45Oh, indeed, Mr. Guglielmucci.
07:53Hi, Wanda. How's the baby?
07:54Hi, Melinda.
07:55Hi, Melinda.
07:56Is Shelby destroying your washing machine?
07:59I told him it was okay.
08:01Big Daddy's buying me a new one.
08:02Big Daddy?
08:03That's what Carl wants us to call him now that he's a wheel.
08:06Mommy!
08:07The man isn't putting my phone in fast enough!
08:09I'm sure he's going as fast as he can, Megan.
08:12I ordered a princess phone because I am a princess.
08:15Does this look like a princess phone?
08:21Wow.
08:22I've never seen Megan act like that before.
08:24Yeah, our new fiscal situation has really turned the kids into spoiled brats.
08:27Well, believe you me, I'm not going to just stand by and watch.
08:30What are you going to do?
08:31Hire a nanny.
08:32Big Daddy says money's no object.
08:35What's that?
08:40Daryl?
08:41What are you doing?
08:42Oh, hey.
08:43Guess what I learned today.
08:45That you're a Catholic schoolgirl?
08:47No, that I have a heritage.
08:49Something money can't buy.
08:51Wait till Carl sees this.
08:53He thinks he's something.
08:54Daryl!
08:55Did any bitterman blood stain the fields in the Battle of Kirkcaldy?
08:58I say thee nay!
08:59Daryl!
09:00You have to stop competing with Carl!
09:02Because I've won?
09:03Because it's crazy!
09:04We have a great life.
09:06Nothing Carl does can change that.
09:08Hey, McParents.
09:10Hi, Busy.
09:11There's a fresh roll of cookie dough in the fridge if you want it.
09:14Oh, wow.
09:15That makes what I have to say even harder.
09:18Okay, here goes.
09:20I can't sit for you guys anymore.
09:22What?
09:23Why not?
09:24Hey, Blondie.
09:25You're on the clock.
09:29I gotta go.
09:32Later, po-folk.
09:41This is a song that never ends.
09:44It just goes on and on, my friends.
09:48Some people started singing it not knowing my divorce.
09:52And they'll continue singing...
09:54Busy, how could you leave us for another family?
09:57Look, it's not about you, okay?
09:59It's about me.
10:00What does that mean?
10:01I don't know.
10:02It's what I say to blow off math geeks.
10:04I thought that sounded familiar.
10:06What could I do?
10:07They offered me so much money.
10:08Well, whatever it is, we'll match it.
10:10I don't think so.
10:11I've been through your bank statements.
10:19Hey, Nanny.
10:20I feel like playing Batman.
10:22Okay, how do you play?
10:24You put on this Batgirl outfit and parade around while I watch.
10:28I'm not gonna do that.
10:30I think you will.
10:35Excuse me.
10:41This ain't right, Big Daddy.
10:42We're just paying Busy what she's worth.
10:44Wanda's gonna hate me.
10:46Wanda's gonna hate me.
10:47Don't be silly.
10:48You think minor league teams hate the guys who move up to the majors?
10:51They're happy for them.
10:52I know this to be true.
10:54I don't know.
10:55I got something that'll make you feel better.
10:58Muscatel for my lady's pleasure.
11:00Oh, you got the big box.
11:02Sure I got the big box.
11:05It's burning my gut.
11:07Show's over, bub.
11:17Hello, Mr. William Summerlin.
11:19This is Wanda McPherson, and I'm here to tell you about a wonderful investment opportunity.
11:24How's that for good news this morning?
11:26Zoe, stop.
11:28No, it's not a pyramid scheme, but it will return a wealth to rival that of the legendary pharaohs.
11:36Uh, a T-shirt and sweatpants?
11:38Why?
11:39Ew!
11:41Hey, that's my wife you're talking to!
11:44Because we lost our babysitter, and I don't make enough money to hire her back.
11:49Briefs!
11:51I'm sorry, honey.
11:52No, I'm sorry.
11:53Sorry we have to raise our daughter in a world where no one cares about anything but money.
11:57Money can't buy the most important things.
11:59It can't buy love or respect.
12:01Hey, Dad.
12:02When was the last time I thanked you for the fine life you've given us?
12:07Last night, when you saw your brand-new speedboat.
12:10Oh, yeah.
12:11But, Rodney, it's still mighty nice to hear.
12:14I love you, Dad.
12:15I love you, son.
12:16Hey, Busy!
12:17Couple of sodas!
12:18Chop, chop!
12:25Wanda?
12:26Hi, Daryl.
12:27How's the baby?
12:28Tough day?
12:29Started out tough, but now it's okay.
12:32I found out that if I pulled the TV into the bathroom, I could watch my stories while I'm on the can.
12:39Morning, Captain.
12:40Everybody in the pool.
12:42Oh, okay.
12:47Say, Kenny, I'm curious.
12:49What's the most common baseball score?
12:52Uh, 5-4, I guess.
12:545-4.
12:57I sure would like to get that square.
13:07Morning, Captain.
13:08What are you doing?
13:09Giving you a second chance.
13:12Look, I need the money to hire back my babysitter.
13:14My wife's me time is the one little thing she asked for, and I can't even afford to give it to her.
13:18You make me sick!
13:21This pool is a terrorist institution.
13:24Have you no honor, sir?
13:25That's all decency.
13:27Yeah, Kenny, the topless dollhouse called.
13:29They found your wallet.
13:30Anything left in it?
13:31Just pictures of your family.
13:33Tell them to toss it.
13:36Nine...
13:40Nine...
13:41figures.
13:45Hello?
13:46Yeah, Daryl, it's Carl.
13:47What can I do for you, Carl?
13:49For some reason, it seems like there's been a little tension between us lately.
13:52You stole our babysitter.
13:53Whatever the cause, I'd like to smooth things over by taking you and your family to the game tonight.
13:58I don't know, Carl.
13:59They're playing the Yankees.
14:01Well, I guess Juana could use a night out.
14:03I bet she could. Taking care of a kid by yourself is murder.
14:07It's a beautiful night for baseball, folks.
14:09There's a young fan down there cheering on one of his heroes.
14:13That's what this great game is all about.
14:16Hey, lard-ass!
14:18You stink!
14:19Yeah, you stink!
14:24Rodney, pick that up and say you're sorry.
14:26Why don't you pick it up and say it's good to be employed?
14:32I...
14:36So, pretty good seats, huh?
14:38Not bad.
14:39Not bad? You can see right into the dugout.
14:50That's perfectly natural, dear. Someday girls will make you feel that way.
14:55So, Juana, I hope you're not mad at me.
14:57It's okay. We're doing fine.
14:59Zoe, you can't go to busy!
15:03It's been a long night for the home crowd, folks.
15:05The mighty Yankees have taken this team to the woodshed.
15:08As we head to the ninth, the Bronx Bombers lead 12 to nothing.
15:12Hey, Dad, could I have some nachos?
15:14Sure, son.
15:15Off you go, baby doll.
15:18You want anything, Mrs. Mack?
15:20My old life back?
15:21I can't give you that.
15:23Okay. One of those big foam hands.
15:26Yeah, I think we're gonna hit the road, Carl.
15:28Well, you can't leave yet.
15:29Why not?
15:30Big Daddy's got a little surprise planned.
15:34So this groundskeeping thing must pay pretty well.
15:37Not bad.
15:38But just between us, the real money isn't cutting grass, it's cutting corners.
15:41What do you mean?
15:42You know, you bill for a premium sprinkler head, you install a cheap sprinkler head.
15:46The water don't talk, you pocket the difference.
15:48I guess that's how the world works.
15:50Damn straight.
15:56Here we are.
15:57Wow, you get to go in the dugout?
15:59Sure.
16:00Hiya, fellas.
16:01Heya, Carl.
16:02Hey, what's up, Big Daddy?
16:03What is this, Big Daddy?
16:04Hey, Carl, your wife's on a jumper try.
16:06Now there's a couple of ladies hanging on to the end of this lopsided contest.
16:10You know, friends, one of the great things about baseball is that it brings together so many different kinds of people.
16:16The proud and the humble, the elegant and the downtrodden, socialites and bag ladies,
16:21all welcome beneath the umbrella of our national game.
16:24I'm outta here, Carl.
16:26I've gotta tell you, fans, this game was a laugher before the Yankees scored seven in the top of the ninth.
16:37I'm halfway there.
16:39Hey, what are you guys doing sitting there like you've already lost?
16:43There's one out to go and we're down 19 runs.
16:46So you're just gonna quit?
16:47Come on, man, it's the Yankees.
16:49Their payroll's three times bigger than ours.
16:52Oh, so it's all about money.
16:54Well, yeah.
16:56Now you listen to me.
16:58The measure of a man isn't the size of his paycheck.
17:00It's what he's got inside.
17:02My daughter Zoe is in the stands tonight.
17:04It's her first baseball game.
17:06What message are you going to send to her and the dozens of other fans still here
17:10and the thousands more listening on their car radios who bolted in the seventh inning?
17:14That you rolled over and died or that you kept fighting?
17:17¿Qué está diciendo?
17:18No sé, pero habla con gran pasión.
17:21Now get out there and do it.
17:24For yourselves, for the honor of the game, and above all, for that little girl.
17:31Get out there and do it for Zoe!
17:39For Zoe!
17:44SÃ!
17:45For Zoe!
18:03We are witnessing something remarkable here, folks.
18:06An eight-run scoring explosion with two gone in the final stanza.
18:10Runner on third, Jimenez steps to the dish.
18:13Come on, come on, one more run.
18:15Para Zoe.
18:25It's a line drive to the gap. This one's going to roll all the way to the wall.
18:29Cullinane trots home with the ninth run of the inning.
18:32Yes! They did it! That's my box!
18:36Run, run, run, run, run.
18:38Hey, he's going for inside the park homer.
18:40What? No!
18:45Para Zoe. Para Zoe. Para Zoe. Para Zoe.
18:48Stop! Stop! Nine runs is enough!
18:51But what about Zoe?
18:52She's six months old. You think she's going to remember any of this?
18:55You're down ten runs to the Yankees, for God's sake. You're making fools of yourselves. Stop!
19:00Jimenez rockets around third. It looks like he's going to make it.
19:04Please, please, please don't score.
19:08Madre de Dios!
19:18And Jimenez is done in by a malfunctioning sprinkler head.
19:22Uh-oh.
19:23What a turn of events. I'd venture to say we've just witnessed not only the end of the game,
19:27but the end of Carl Bitterman's tenure as a Major League groundskeeper.
19:31I won! Wanda, I won the baseball pool!
19:35Did you hear that, Zoe? Daddy, you won!
20:06I love you, Daryl!
20:09I love you! I love you! And I've got money!