The Marx Brothers were an American family comedy act that was successful in vaudeville, on Broadway, and in 14 motion pictures from 1905 to 1949.
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00:00From Hollywood, California, the Hotchkiss Packing Company presents the Marks Brothers.
00:27Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Groucho Marx speaking, and already it's
00:46not such a good evening.
00:48Tonight, Chick or myself, with the help of that grand musical director, Raymond Page,
00:52bring you a slice of life from that crazy world they call Hollywood.
00:56As we drop into your home every Friday night, we're going to try to show you the unsung
00:59heroes of the motion picture business, the Hollywood agents, those theatrical representatives
01:08who get jobs with actresses and actresses in the movie studios.
01:12It's about time these agents were recognized.
01:13Look at the stars they've made.
01:16Take us, for instance.
01:18Who made us what we are today?
01:20Who helped us when we were in need?
01:22Who loaned us money when we didn't have a dime?
01:24The Western Loan Company.
01:27Have one of our bonded representatives call at your house next Monday night and take your
01:30house away while you're having dinner.
01:34So on with the show and let the jokes have no age limit.
01:38And while Ray Page sets the scene, while Ray Page sets the scene, we'll get the theatrical
01:43office ready for our new business as Hollywood agents, where everything is 10% off, including
01:49the agents.
02:50And here's the office of the Square Deal Amusement Company, operated by Groucho and Chico Marx.
02:56Representatives of talent for the screen, sellers of sensational stars.
03:01Also headquarters for slot machines, pinball games, turkey raffles, and boxcars.
03:06Here they are, Chico and Groucho.
03:10Very excellent, very excellent.
03:19I can't understand it.
03:20We have a business.
03:21We've got a marvelous office here, but nobody comes in.
03:23I wonder why they stay away.
03:25Chico, did you put up that sign on the door?
03:27Yeah, but I couldn't find a sign that said Marx.
03:30The nearest thing I could get was a sign that said Mumps.
03:34Fine office.
03:35Where's my secretary?
03:37Out to lunch.
03:38What time did she leave?
03:39October.
03:42If she's not back by next March, I'll give her two weeks' notice.
03:46A fine office, or did I say that?
03:48Chico, why don't you go out and drum up some business?
03:50I would, only I don't know what business we're in.
03:54Why, we're Hollywood agents.
03:56We get people, jobs, and pictures.
03:57Do we?
03:58Don't change the subject.
04:03But why do we want to get a people, jobs, and pictures?
04:06Well, we get 10% of their salary.
04:08Don't we have to do anything for the money?
04:10No, we're agents.
04:15I know, but what do we do?
04:17Nothing, we're agents.
04:19Say, I've been an agent for years.
04:26Of course, you should be great as a picture agent.
04:28You've never been able to get yourself a job in pictures.
04:30Well, I nearly got a job one time in a picture called The Human Race.
04:35Yeah, what happened?
04:36Oh, they said I wasn't the type.
04:42Well, then you'd certainly make a fine agent.
04:45All right, but where do you get these people you put into pictures?
04:48How do you find actors?
04:50Just carry a roast beef sandwich down the street and sign up anybody who snaps at it.
04:56Now go out and sign up some stars.
04:58Say, I got a great idea.
05:00I'll get a Jean Hollow up to the office and sign her up.
05:03Wait a minute, Jean Hollow has an agent.
05:05Yeah, but it'll be a lot of fun getting her up in the office.
05:13Say, boss, do we charge the ladies the same 10% commission?
05:17We take 10% of everything an actor gets.
05:19You know, I'm only afraid of one thing.
05:21What's that?
05:22Twins.
05:24Chico, you're a dreamer.
05:28Come on, I'll try you out as an agent.
05:30For example, if you walked into a producer's office, how would you sell them Kate Smith?
05:35I don't know.
05:36Why, you'd say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:42Oh, gee, I got an idea.
05:44Come on, try me again.
05:45All right, suppose the studio calls up and wants a leading man like Clark Gable.
05:48What would you do?
05:49Well, you say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:54The problem with you is you can't get your mind off Jean Hollow.
05:59Pardon me, are you the Mumps brothers?
06:02Chico, you don't have to answer that.
06:05You needn't be afraid of me.
06:07I've had the Mumps.
06:08Yeah, but you haven't had the Mops brothers.
06:12Away with false modesty.
06:13What's your name, Adam?
06:14Sadie Thompson.
06:16Hey, what's your record, Miss Thompson?
06:18I was in the California Company of Rain.
06:21I don't remember that.
06:22What was it called?
06:23Local Showers.
06:26Enough of this pitter-patter.
06:27Tell me, my little blood orange, what do you do?
06:30Well, you see, I can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
06:36Miss Thompson, you're wasting our valuable time and jokes.
06:39Would you like to sign up with us?
06:42I should say not.
06:43Don't you remember, I was in here a month ago.
06:46I gave you my name and address, but you never got me a job.
06:50What are you going to do about it?
06:52I'll give you back your name and address.
06:55Oh, gee, thanks very much.
06:58See, I think you're swell.
07:00Oh, we're not swell.
07:02You're just being swell.
07:04I'll never forget you for this.
07:06I think you're both swell.
07:08We think you're swell, too.
07:10I don't think we're nearly as swell as she is.
07:12You are, but I certainly am not.
07:16That's a sightly swell of you to say that.
07:19Well, goodbye.
07:21It was swell seeing you.
07:23Well, it was swell seeing you, too.
07:25Swell up and see us again sometime.
07:33This is a fine location.
07:35With the type of people we're getting here, our main entrance must be on an alley.
07:39Hello, fellas.
07:43Ah, an actor, or does my nose deceive me?
07:47Say, this guy looks swell, too.
07:49No, that's not swell.
07:50Well, it's the past tense, swollen.
07:53My name is Cookie Johnson.
07:56Oh, another piano move, or is it just a piano?
07:59What do you do for a living, if you call that living?
08:02Why, I'm a radio comedian.
08:04Oh, a radio comic, eh?
08:06Well, you came to the right place.
08:08There's gonna be fireworks around here, and we need a punk like you.
08:12Are you the man who gets people jobs in pictures?
08:14No, I'm a Hollywood agent, but this is no time for the truth.
08:18Tell me, why do you want to leave the radio to go into pictures?
08:21Well, pictures is high class.
08:23Yes, isn't they?
08:28Oh, you like that, eh?
08:29No.
08:31Who's that?
08:32Oh, this is my partner, Chicko Marx.
08:34And in relation to laundry marks?
08:42Chicko, put on your brass knuckles and shake hands with Mr. Johnson.
08:48How do you do?
08:49Your name is familiar, but I don't know how to do with your face.
08:52I've got a couple of suggestions.
08:55I don't know if I want you guys for my agents.
08:57I don't know if I want an agent.
08:59You can't depend on them.
09:00I read in the paper the other day just about an agent who committed suicide by jumping off a roof.
09:05Oh, don't pay any attention to that.
09:06Why not?
09:07That was me, it was a publicity stunt.
09:09I'm getting out of here.
09:10Quick, Chicko, lock the door.
09:12Hey, wait a minute.
09:13What do you agents charge for commission?
09:15Well, 10% is our fee.
09:17Well, if it's fee, why do you charge 10%?
09:21Quick, Chicko, open the door.
09:24You know, I don't like him.
09:25Another thing.
09:26How much salary will you guarantee me?
09:28Chicko, get a contract ready and write in the salary we'll guarantee you.
09:31Okay.
09:32How do you spell coffee and cake?
09:35Hey, if I'm going to sign anything, it's got to be a legal contract.
09:38You can trust us, Mr. Johnson.
09:39We're an old established firm.
09:41We've been in this location since a quarter past seven.
09:45Here, I'll draw up the contract.
09:46How's this?
09:48Whereas you think you're a comedian, and whereas we think we're agents,
09:51and we think we can get you a job in movies,
09:53of course we're not sure, whereas...
09:58For this consideration, you, as claimant, whereas,
10:00waive retainer, thereof, whereas.
10:04That's the trouble with this country, too many foreigners.
10:08Let me see that contract.
10:10Hey, what do I pay you this 10% for?
10:13That's for overhead.
10:14Yeah, but what's this other 10% for?
10:17That's for underwear.
10:19See here, haven't you guys got any underwear?
10:21Yes, but you know, we live in a changing world.
10:24Now, let's get this straight right now.
10:27Mr. Marks, how much commission do you want?
10:30How much money do you need to live?
10:32Hey, wait, here's another 10%.
10:34Yeah, that's for overcoats.
10:36Well, I'm not going to sign this.
10:38Listen, tub of butter, when you say that, smile.
10:40Yeah, you know what happened to the last guy who didn't sign with us?
10:44No, what?
10:45He's now a star at MGM.
10:49I'll tell you what I'll do.
10:50You get me a job for $5,000 a week, and I'll give you $50.
10:54Oh, you'll get us a job for $5,000 a week, and we'll give you $100.
10:59Well, that seems fair enough.
11:00Fine, sign here, and we'll take you right over...
11:04We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus' office at the Miracle Studios
11:07We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus' office at the Miracle Studios
11:09and get you starred in a picture called Strike Me Pincus.
11:13Okay, but you've got to put a clause in the contract guaranteeing me work.
11:16All right, how's this?
11:18Whereas, if we don't get you a job in four consecutive months,
11:21or four consecutive jobs in one consecutive month,
11:23you're an old maid.
11:25Now sign.
11:28Now, wait a minute.
11:29Take it easy.
11:30I can't sign right away with you.
11:31You're strangers.
11:33Strangers?
11:34You're crazy.
11:35I've known Groucho for years.
11:37Well, that's different.
11:38Now sign.
11:39Where's your pen?
11:40Alcatraz.
11:47He doesn't...
11:48Not your home.
11:49The pen he means.
11:50Here you are.
11:51Thanks.
11:52Wait, there's no pen point in the pen.
11:53That doesn't matter.
11:54I can't write.
11:56Then we're even.
11:57We can't read.
12:08I'll forget the first time I fell in love.
12:12Then came the depression.
12:14You know, once I built a railroad.
12:16Then I ran out of blocks.
12:17It was just before the crash.
12:18I was eating my last chicken dinner.
12:20I was the kid with the drumstick.
12:22Then came the war.
12:27Well, the war wasn't quite that horrible.
12:30Yes, the war.
12:31And I fought and I fought.
12:32But I had to go anyway.
12:38Before...
12:39Before I knew it, I was in the thick of battle.
12:41And then we ran out of ammunition.
12:43All we have is some peas.
12:44So we shelled them.
12:47I'll never forget how surprised I was the day the general stood before me.
12:50He said,
12:51Private Marks,
12:52I've had my eye on you for a long time.
12:54I've seen you all through your preliminary training in ground work.
12:57And I want you to leave my wife alone.
13:00Of course, I was taken aback.
13:02I was taken aback to the guardhouse.
13:04And when I woke up, I had a black eye.
13:06How proud I was.
13:08My first decoration.
13:10But I found he had stripped me of everything.
13:12My pride was gone.
13:13My honor was gone.
13:14Was your watch gone too?
13:15No, but it was going.
13:17Then the armistice was declared and I crawled out of a haystack.
13:20Packed up my needle and retained home.
13:22I walked into my little gray cottage and there was my wife.
13:28That'll give you a rough idea of what kind of home Library Page has.
13:32Our home.
13:33I can see it now.
13:34A little rose-covered cottage.
13:35And there's my wife.
13:37Standing at the door.
13:38Yeah, how do you know she's standing?
13:40I saw the furniture before I left, stupid.
13:43Our home.
13:44What is home without a mother?
13:45Chico, I ask you.
13:46What is home without a mother?
13:48An incubator.
13:50So when you hear it fire
13:54Don't run under a tree
13:59There'll be panic from heaven
14:02For you and me
14:22Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
14:23That was Miss Hollis Short, Chico and myself,
14:25rendering one voice and two counterfeit choruses of Pennysome Heaven,
14:29accompanied by Raymond Page of the Mighty Cash Register.
14:33So, my friends, for Raymond Page and myself, I say goodnight.
14:37Say goodnight, Chico.
14:38Goodnight, Chico.
14:42Remember that the Hotchkiss Packing Company will not be responsible
14:45for any comedians left after 30 days.
14:54This is the Columbia Broadcasting District.
14:59This is the Columbia Broadcasting District.