Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Two special fried rice and two sweet and sour chicken balls.
00:05Ten minutes. Thank you, sir. Bye.
00:18How could you do this to people?
00:20Why are you hitting me?
00:21Why are you hitting me?
00:22It's in here!
00:23What's in there?
00:24It's in here!
00:25Walk, walk, walk!
00:26Look at my hand!
00:27Look at my hand!
00:28Look at my hand!
00:36How could you do this to people?
00:40Give me the knife.
00:41Give me the knife.
00:42Wow!
00:43How could you do this to people?
00:51I will show you.
00:52You are so mean.
00:58Oh
01:21To see me to see me
01:28Toast your chicken and so bald rice that's for you, sir. Is it Oh
01:38Appetit, yes
01:58Just
02:00So long as it's established, I'm not happy with the arrangement that's all
02:05They found a mummified caveman inside a block of ice in Siberia
02:11Perfectly preserved. He's over 12,000 years old
02:16Spitting image of mr. Meldrum
02:22Trusted to run straight out the back and started toasting it on a garden fork
02:29We might just go away for the week and ask the Terminator to come in and water our plants sleep a lot easier
02:38I can see the picture of mr. Meldrum. Where's the mummified caveman? I
02:44Told you not to go to that one by the canal
02:47They've had the pest controller in there three times this year to my knowledge pest control and eat the pipe piper of London
02:55And I noticed those women are still hanging about in there might as well stick a red light over the front door be done with it
03:03What prostitutes prostitutes? I didn't know who's priceless to ask for first
03:11Skirts up to their nostrils, you know damn. Well, they're not waiting for crispy duck
03:16I've got evidence against him and both kinds this time
03:24Trading standards department has to say about that
03:33To me oh
03:35By the way, your brother Alfred phoned from the airport. He says he wants to do a bit of shopping in London tomorrow
03:42You get here about three
03:45Sounded a bit dopey
03:47Says jet lag. I expect that would be jet lag. He's always dopey
03:51Say when you ring him up his voice sounds as distant as anything and he can't hear a word you're saying
03:58That's because he's holding the phone upside down
04:01I told you if you ever wonder what it was like to be trapped in a house with Stan Laurel for two weeks
04:06You're about to find out
04:07At least make a bit of effort while he's here. I would have thought after 25 years. He'd be thrilled to bits
04:13You lose touch with people Margaret
04:16But nothing in common anymore, it's just one of those awful family rituals where you're both too embarrassed
04:26Interrupting just thought we drop the keys around and talk through a couple of things for next week
04:32Oh, right. Well come through to the sitting room. I'll get my notepad
04:36We're all at sixes and sevens ourselves here because Victor's brothers over from New Zealand
04:46You
05:00Well, yes, yes I am
05:05Okay
05:11So you've got your computer yet
05:13You've got your database software package your laser printer your facts your photocopier and your costumes
05:18Oh, and we mustn't forget your warranty agreement must we?
05:22Memo get Samantha to organize a three-year extended warranty agreement for mr. Victor Meldrew on his m2 for o computer package
05:31Okay, then I just need three signatures from you and a small check I'm afraid
05:36Right. How much was it again?
05:397962 pounds and 35 pence please. Oh
05:43We mustn't forget your service contract must we?
05:47Memo get Samantha to organize a service agreement for mr. Victor Meldrew two years from date of purchase
05:55Lovely wallpaper I must say
05:57That's magic sir, thank you very much. I'll just give you a receipt
06:01What's this is this some sort of joke or what a joke sorry the signature it says you daft dawdling old arsehole
06:12No, I think that's what you called me last week wasn't it when you nearly carved me up in that Jew carriage way
06:18last week I
06:21Was driving along as 30 50 when you suddenly shot up my backside in your company Sierra
06:26Flash your lights and virtually ran my back bumper for three miles
06:31When you did overtake that's what you shouted through the passenger window
06:37Noting your firm's details in the car door
06:40I took the liberty of inviting you around here today just so as I could
06:43Deliberately waste your time for the best part of an entire morning
06:50I'd seen your face before I thought it was that mummified caveman in the papers
06:57Appointments this morning
07:04Get Samantha to organize a new brain for me as quickly as possible when I can learn to drive and not be a complete bastard
07:21And your wallpaper stinks
07:36Again you'll come a copper one of these days carrying on like a one-man vigilante patrol
07:41Let's go to get the front lawn a wee trim
07:44Now you sure you don't want me to pick up Alfred this afternoon. No. I'm going in anyway. I think I'll recognize him
07:50Well if you have any trouble look for a man wearing a small gray hat
07:55Smoking a pipe who's forgotten to put his trousers on
08:19I
08:49Did nothing but bump and shake about all the way in can you find a place for this you think
08:56And there was nowhere else to be said
09:19I
09:38Don't believe it
09:49I've got to give you my
10:02Sister's phone number
10:11Everything okay, yes pretty run-of-the-mill stuff really knowing the front room
10:16I
10:25Suppose that packet of condoms in a mousetrap is still lying on the cheese
10:32Well
10:46Is
10:56There any more crap you want to see
11:02What is it a bottom thing by Edward scissorhands
11:06Not a bloody can recycling plant, but if you train him to empty his potty over the front doorstep while you're at it
11:12I'll get back
11:15least bimbo's
11:18Agents carly
11:42You mucky little pop in yeah
12:12I
12:43Aren't
12:46He Gertie escaped again the other week
12:49Yes, you said in your last letter. Sorry you said sir in your last letter. I don't think I did it
12:55I yes, you did yes
12:57Sorry, yes, you did
12:59Sure, yes, I'm sure I don't think I said she'd actually escaped. I said she tried to escape
13:06No, you said she'd actually escaped, but they managed to capture again by dropping a large net from a helicopter
13:11I don't remember telling you that but how would I know about it? How do I know about it?
13:18This is a special occasion. I thought we might push the boat out for a change and have a little glass of something
13:29Not with the barbiturates, I won't thank you Margaret, but you know it gives me colic
13:34Cheers
13:48So, how are you coping now Victor bit of a big one isn't it retirement suddenly being thrown onto the scrapheap of life a
13:55Prisoner in your own home with no prospects. No purpose nothing left to live for
14:00It's not getting you down. I hope
14:02No, not at all most of the time I sit in that chair over there all day long just laughing
14:10Doing cartwheels and the stairs with sheer delight
14:14Margaret I'll tell you and I'm not retired. I'm just between jobs. Sorry. Oh god. I'll go and get a parrot
14:23The moment I heard the news I said to Mary and I've got to save up to go back there
14:28His life was miserable and empty enough to start with you need me there to cheer him up
14:41Yeah, you find you have to be more
14:43Philosophical about things now Victor not be so hot-headed
14:47Yes, that sounded space coming from a man who was about with his hat on fire
14:52You mustn't get suicidal
14:55Who's suicidal, sorry, who's suicidal
14:59But no use pretending is it you've been looking gloomy and fed up since a minute. I said put inside your house
15:05Yes, funny that
15:08Can only mean I've got here just at the right moment
15:17Excuse me just a second. Would you?
15:24I
15:48Can't take much more of this is like having Mad Max round to stay
15:54In the morning advice on tranquilizer darts at this rate
16:01Don't tell me he accidentally napalmed his underpants
16:10And so this weird man coming towards him wearing a ghostly shroud
16:14How the alarm clock at a minute panic and then realized it was the mirror on the wardrobe
16:20So I'll sweep it up in the morning and to watch where he treads
16:25Two whole weeks we've got of this. I'm not gonna be able to last the course I swear it
16:35Two whole weeks
16:46Halfway I might just make it yet. There is it
16:55Oh, he's activated
17:02I'm back. Where have you been? You'd flush yourself down the toilet in error. Sorry
17:17Because I'm tired of having to repeat myself every time I say something to you, sorry
17:24To repeat myself every time I say something to you
17:27Spoke up a bit in the first place. I might be able to hear you never did open your mouth properly
17:33Did you get your parcel for the post office? What parcels this day?
17:36I was gonna bring it over myself, but you know how things get broken on planes. So I sent it airmail
17:47Interested in you know, I've been doing quite a bit of research into our ancestry down there
17:52Our great-great-grandfather was a New Zealander, of course
17:54Well last year I got a letter from a mrs. Glenister in Christchurch
17:58She was a very distant cousin apparently said she had come into possession of some of great-great-grandpa Meldrew's
18:04Personal effects and would I be interested?
18:07now
18:08bear in mind this item is over a hundred and fifty years old and it's
18:13very delicate
18:15And I think you'll find it rather fascinating
18:19What is it?
18:21It's his scarf
18:25Have to say when I first laid eyes on it, I couldn't believe the family resemblance
18:36Sorry particularly they could be twins
18:40There is a certain likeness now you pointed out especially down this side for goodness sake last week
18:47I was a mummy if I came and I'm a bloody walking skeleton
18:50I brought some of those photos over as well. I thought we might have a look through after tea
18:55Not sure which case I put them in now
18:59There's a charming little keepsake, isn't it?
19:02That's a walking disaster area and you wondered why I didn't want him to come and stay with us
19:06You think the day he flew out New Zealand must have declared a national holiday
19:11Never take it on as brothers even when we were young
19:14Just thinking I've got a message by now what message in the name of God go
19:20and
19:23That apparently was granny Gosling when she was in service to the Duke of Norfolk a granddad second from the right
19:33Oh, is that your mother she's holding yeah, she'd have been about six months old
19:41Well, I don't want to seem rude but
19:47Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to go up
19:49I'll leave you two to your memories. I'll see you in the morning. Good night, Alfred. Yes night Margaret
20:03Huh
20:04You remember this church parade armistice day
20:091937 I was in the Scouts you were in the Wolf Cubs
20:13Mum drew rings around our faces
20:15We were tickled pink in those days to see our photos in the paper
20:20That was when we were still living in Dibley Street, you remember
20:24The five of us in that little terraced house at the top of the hill
20:27The smell of dad's homemade beetroot wine festering in the scullery
20:31They reckoned it used to knock budgies off their perch up to three streets away
20:37Yes now bedroom is right over the top of it
20:41You remember that special way granny used to have of cooking the Brussels that made them taste as if they've been boiled in soap
20:49Yes, the very thought of it makes you feel quite sick
20:55Hmm
20:57My god, who's that? Oh you
21:01November the 3rd 1936. You're right. I do look like a skeleton. No, I I think you're wearing a Guy Fawkes mask
21:13Yes, I was I remember that year
21:18Wasn't that when the
21:19Catherine wheel fell off of the fence onto my school cap and everyone could see it except me and I went around
21:26with my
21:29Hat on fire
21:38Would you like another bit of lemon? Yes, that would be nice. Thank you
21:48Oh
21:51Excuse me, love. I'm sorry to bother you. You couldn't do us a massive favor
21:55We've just finished relaying a pavement round the back here and it needs a good hosing down get rid of the mess
22:00Do you think I could just boil your tap for a few minutes? Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah Cheers
22:17Now
22:21There is no doubt at all in your mind is there it was definitely him I told you Melanie saw him do it
22:28Said he was an old geezer in a cap
22:31Like that mummified caveman in the paper
22:36We see how he likes nasty things being put for his letterbox
22:47I
22:55Okay, stick it well through I'll go and turn it off
23:12Now for you up yet, or do you want this in bed?
23:17Oh
23:37Yes, he wandered off to then it's not even nine o'clock yet he's gone gone gone where gone home
23:47What's this?
23:48After you went to bed last night. He came downstairs for a drink and accidentally knocked that dictaphone onto the floor
23:55And you wonder why they wanted to come and stay with us
24:13Now cheer up like he says in his letter it'll be another 25 years before he bothers you again
24:24Oh
24:38It's safe to open my eyes. Yes, it's fine. Everything's in one piece exactly as we left it. I told you it'd be all right
24:51Dreading coming back and finding the whole
24:54world
25:01In the name of bloody hell
25:54Oh, you're back. Did you have a good week?
25:58Sorry, Mr. Muldrow?
26:00Did you have a good...
26:02Something the matter?
26:04There was one slight small question that was bothering me, yes.
26:07But I don't suppose it really matters much, one way or the other.
26:10What question's that?
26:12I was just wondering how you were going to get the end of this hosepipe out of your bottom.