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00:30LAUGHTER
00:37Now!
00:42Hey, that wasn't bad, was it?
00:44I think I've mastered that.
00:47Well, I did stop.
00:49It's just that...
00:51Well, I had hoped that you'd be driving a bit faster by your twelfth lesson.
00:55It's your father's car, isn't it? I don't want to overheat it.
01:00Well, it can do 50 or 60 miles an hour.
01:04That's on a straight road. I was coming round the corner.
01:07The corner was 100 yards back. You had plenty of time to accelerate.
01:12I didn't want to unnerve you.
01:15Well, look, do you think you want to go on with this?
01:18I mean, you've always been nervous of cars.
01:20I know, but if I can drive it, I hope my quali...
01:23..my qualifications, won't it?
01:26Make it easier for me to get a job.
01:33I'm doing quite well now.
01:36It's only the road signs that confuse me.
01:40I do get a bit mixed up with the traffic lights.
01:43But I've mastered the emergency stop.
01:46Yes, at five miles...
01:48..five miles an hour.
01:51Look, do you want to go in?
01:53No, I think we'll go round the block once.
01:56Give them time to decide what I'm going to do today.
02:00I think so, yes.
02:02Mr Hooper said when he sent me for that job yesterday,
02:05I suppose I'll see you again tomorrow as usual.
02:17Good morning, Mrs Dodson.
02:19Good morning, Mr Bachelor.
02:21Good morning, Mr Hooper.
02:23Morning, sir.
02:24Everything shipshaking Bristol fashion, I hope?
02:26Yes, sir.
02:27Good, good. No crises on our hands this morning, then?
02:30No, sir. Everything's normal.
02:32Excellent. I'm going to find the south of England a little quiet.
02:35Here we go again.
02:37There was a queue 100 yards long at my last employment exchange.
02:40A thousand men out of work. It was quite a challenge.
02:43It's not quite as bad as that here.
02:45We just get the problem once.
02:47Mr Hooper, any man without work is a problem.
02:51It depends who the man is.
02:53You just can't help some people.
02:55But it's our job to help people. That's why we're here.
02:58What are we supposed to do if a man comes in here every day
03:00and he's tried every possible job?
03:02What?
03:03He's talking about Mr Spencer, our most regular customer.
03:07Spencer? Has he been here a long time?
03:09He was here before I was.
03:11Mr Rumpford used to deal with him.
03:13Ah, now, Mr Rumpford, yes, I heard something about that.
03:16That was the window he jumped through.
03:19And I got lumbered with Spencer.
03:21Lumbered, Mr Hooper, lumbered.
03:23You call finding a man work being lumbered?
03:25Mr Rumpford said he was unemployable.
03:27No man is unemployable.
03:29And don't let me hear you using that word in this building again.
03:32He was ten years at the Ashton labour exchange
03:34before he moved to our district.
03:36I did hear the staff at Ashton had a collection
03:38to help pay for his removal.
03:40Mr Rumpford wanted us to have another collection here
03:42so we could send him back again.
03:44That is the most extraordinary story I've ever heard.
03:46I should very much like to meet
03:48the man who's tried every possible job.
03:51Good morning.
03:55Oh, good morning. I'm Mr Bradshaw, the new manager.
03:58Can I help you?
04:09Yes?
04:11Well, Mr Hooper usually deals with me.
04:14He might not like it if someone else did.
04:16Mr Hooper.
04:18Mr Hooper?
04:24What job have you lost this time?
04:26A little more politeness, Mr Hooper, if you don't mind.
04:28There.
04:30Conway's Window Cleaning Company, Victoria Road.
04:32Now, how did you mess that up?
04:34Well, I left yesterday afternoon.
04:36You only started yesterday morning.
04:38I don't like heights.
04:40Well, why the hell did you...?
04:42Mr Hooper, if this gentleman...
04:44Mr, er...
04:46Spencer, FW.
04:48If Mr Spencer...
04:50is, um...
04:52Well, if Mr Spencer doesn't like heights,
04:54there wasn't much point in sending him out on a window-cleaning job, was there?
04:58He could have been killed.
05:08Now, the one thing you've got to watch on these new cradles, of course,
05:11is that you don't touch the buttons.
05:13They're fully au... What are you doing?
05:15I'm not coming up.
05:17Stop messing about. Come on.
05:19No, I can't stand heights.
05:21What's the point? You come on up.
05:23I can't stand heights.
05:25Come on, mate.
05:27Never mind about all that.
05:29It's like models. I can't stand it.
05:31What are you doing?
05:33Let me get out.
05:35Never mind about your fucking...
05:37Get rid of this bloody broom, you...
05:39Don't touch it.
05:41I'm not penning it. Let me get out.
05:43I'm not penning it.
05:45Never mind about...
05:47Look out for that bloody...
05:49Oh, God!
05:51Everybody's gone!
06:03Come down from up there!
06:05You stupid kid.
06:07No, do not depress the button.
06:09It's so gross!
06:13Never mind your windpipe.
06:15Hang on.
06:17No, don't let go.
06:31Doctor, have you actually been fired?
06:35I don't actually know what the official position is, really.
06:39Then why did you leave?
06:41The foreman threw a bucket at me.
06:43Well, I mean, couldn't you explain things to him?
06:45Perhaps he'd let you do the inside windows.
06:47I tried to see him at the hospital.
06:51He's in the same ward as Mr Rumford.
06:55Ah, yes, Mr Rumford.
06:57Could you see any sign of improvement in him?
06:59I couldn't see him at all, really.
07:01It was when the nurse told him I was coming.
07:03He hid under the bedclothes.
07:05And the foreman locked himself in the lavatory.
07:09Well, I mean, surely you've got something else for him, Mr Spencer.
07:11I'm willing to have a go at everything.
07:13You have had a go at everything.
07:15Oh, good God, man, show a bit of initiative.
07:17I've done my very best.
07:19All right, Mr Hooper, right.
07:21I shall deal with this, if you don't mind.
07:27Right, now, Mr Spencer.
07:29Educational qualifications.
07:31Educational qualifications.
07:33Do you have any certificates?
07:35Yes, I have one.
07:37Ah, we have one certificate.
07:39O-level or A-level?
07:4125 yards breaststroke.
07:47Well, I mean, that's hardly relevant, is it, really?
07:51Well, I thought it would help me get a job more easily.
07:55I wanted to be a lifeguard.
07:57Splendid occupation.
07:59I might be able to help you there.
08:01No, it's no good any more.
08:03Because of my ears.
08:05What's the matter with your ears?
08:07When I get so watery in them, I go all dizzy.
08:09Mr Hooper, look,
08:11I am trying to help this gentleman
08:13finding out if he's had any experience.
08:15He's had plenty of experience. Just turn over the page.
08:17Yes, all right, I was just about to.
08:21Oh, I see you were a trainee chef at the Fleece Hotel.
08:23That was before it burned down.
08:25And were you there when the fire started?
08:27He was the only one there when the fire started.
08:29And, uh,
08:31postman, plumbers, mate,
08:33ticket collector, deck chair attendant,
08:35security... Oh, security guard.
08:37Now, how did that go?
08:39Well...
08:47Rex!
08:49Rex, here I am, boy!
08:51Who's that?
08:53Who's that?
08:55Put that down, it's only me.
08:57What are you doing here?
08:59Well, I was a little bit worried about you,
09:01so I thought I'd come along and see how you were getting on.
09:03I can't find Rex.
09:05He's my dog.
09:07I wouldn't mind so much, but he's pinched my whistle.
09:11You see, his lead broke.
09:13So I had to use the chain from my whistle
09:15to tie him against the door handle.
09:17Didn't want him wandering off.
09:19He's very valuable.
09:21He didn't. He took it with him.
09:23He's as strong as a horse.
09:25You didn't pass him coming down the road, did you?
09:27No, no.
09:29I only saw two lorries go past.
09:31Frank, how long have you been out here?
09:33Oh, since about
09:351800 hours.
09:37Well, don't you think you ought to be getting back?
09:39I can't go back
09:41without my dog and whistle, can I?
09:43I'll lose my job.
09:45Frank, look!
09:51This belonged to you.
09:53Oh, thank you very much.
09:55That's Rex.
09:57He's ever so valuable.
09:59I'm the only one who knows how to handle him.
10:01Down, boy, down.
10:07Down.
10:13I picked him up just along the road.
10:15I was on my way to Grouper's factory.
10:17Oh, well, then it's lucky you've seen me.
10:19I'm the new security guard.
10:21Can I be of assistance?
10:23I have been trained to act in an emergency.
10:25Well, you'd better start acting right away.
10:27Some villains have just knocked off
10:29two lorry-loads of stuff from your factory.
10:31Oh.
10:35Frank.
10:37What will you do next?
10:39Oh, barman.
10:41Knight porter.
10:43Trainee journalist, yes.
10:45Well, you've saved me a lot of trouble.
10:47Trainee journalist, yes.
10:49Well, you've certainly been very active.
10:51Now, where were we now?
10:53Oh, yes, the education.
10:55Now, you have no certificates at all,
10:57I mean, apart from the...
10:5925-yards breaststroke.
11:01Well, I don't think we'll bother with that.
11:03We don't have all that much call
11:05for short-distance swimmers.
11:07Now, then, what school did you attend?
11:09Well, I moved about a bit, really.
11:11I was sort of freelance.
11:13Well, how long were you at school?
11:17I mean, when did you start school?
11:19Well, it's difficult to remember exactly.
11:21Yes, well, I don't expect you to remember
11:23to the nearest week,
11:25but how old were you when you started school?
11:27Four, five, six, seven?
11:29Ten.
11:31Ten?
11:33Oh, good God.
11:35Well, it was a very long journey.
11:37And there weren't any buses.
11:39How old were you when you started school?
11:41Er, how old were you when you left?
11:45About 11.
11:47You were...
11:49You only had 12 months at school.
11:51Well, I used to go back a bit after that,
11:53but I didn't stay very long.
11:55I got lonely.
11:57You found it difficult
11:59to mix with the other children?
12:01There weren't any other children.
12:03Oh, you were the only one in the class?
12:05I was the only one in the school.
12:07My mother used to take me
12:09to summer holidays.
12:11Well, I mean...
12:13So I wouldn't get bullied.
12:15Didn't she want you
12:17to have an education?
12:19She didn't want me to mix with the other boys,
12:21just in case I picked up
12:23any dirty habits.
12:27His mother was a bit
12:29confused.
12:31What's he say about my mother?
12:33Nobody is saying anything about your mother.
12:35Don't you take my mother's name in vain?
12:37I'm not taking her name in vain,
12:39but you see, with your lack of proper education...
12:41I didn't have a lack of proper anything.
12:43My mother gave me all the education I needed.
12:45And the caretaker
12:47was very helpful, too.
12:49Good God, if the education in this country
12:51depends on the shoulders of school caretakers...
12:53He was a very nice man.
12:55He kept rabbits.
12:57I don't want to hear about his bloody rabbits.
13:01Ooh.
13:03Ooh.
13:07Mr Rumford never swore at me.
13:09And I don't want to hear about Mr Rumford.
13:11Not even when he jumped through the window.
13:15He was a very nice man.
13:17And I am a very nice man.
13:19You're not.
13:21Look, I have been very nice to you since you came into this building.
13:23You have not. I don't like you.
13:25And if you're going to carry on giving me harassments,
13:27I shall leave.
13:29Now, now,
13:31Mrs Spanter, please.
13:33I am going to find you a job.
13:35Just give me 24 hours.
13:37Come and see me again tomorrow.
13:39What are you saying about my mother?
13:41No, he didn't say a thing about your mother.
13:43I'm a man.
13:47I bet you...
13:49I bet you a fiver you can't find him
13:51a job he can keep for a week.
13:53You bet me five pounds.
13:55You are on. You have got a lot to learn about me, Mr Hooper.
13:57I have got a lot to learn.
13:59You have got a lot to learn about Mr Spencer as well.
14:03Now, this is where to go,
14:05and don't forget to say that I sent you.
14:07And the very best of luck, my son.
14:09Thank you, Mr Spencer.
14:15Well, I've just sent Mr Spencer out on a job.
14:19You see, I've been studying his papers very carefully,
14:21and I think the main difficulty was
14:23he'd always been alone,
14:25and there was no one to guide him.
14:27So where I've sent him,
14:29he'll be working with a team of well-trained, friendly men,
14:31each one capable of giving him sound, helpful advice.
14:43Get your ruddy hand off my trousers.
14:45What's he doing now?
14:47Trying to pick my pockets.
14:49I'm not.
14:51Good. I have never seen such oblivion.
14:55Mr Spencer, do you think you could make
14:57a little more effort, please?
14:59Now, if you was to put your hand on the mattress
15:01instead of my braces,
15:03we'd move a lot quicker.
15:05We're an hour behind as it is, sir.
15:07No, no, I'm sorry.
15:09And I'm sorry I dropped the piano.
15:11He means the one in the next street, sir.
15:13Yours is all right.
15:15So far.
15:17Grab on, then.
15:19Relieve Frank, will you?
15:21No, relieve us all.
15:23All right.
15:25And try not to break anything this time.
15:35Everything all right?
15:37Shh.
15:39Right.
15:41Look out!
15:43Good.
15:49I see you're in the church.
15:51Yes.
15:53My mother was very religious.
15:55Oh, that's very interesting.
15:57I nearly became a priest.
15:59That is interesting.
16:01There were difficulties, though.
16:03Oh, there are always difficulties, I'm afraid.
16:05And what was your particular problem?
16:07They wouldn't have me.
16:09One can't always
16:11understand these things.
16:15No, I couldn't understand it at all.
16:17No, one can only pray.
16:19That's what my mother always said.
16:21She used to say,
16:23Frank, I'll just have to pray for you
16:25when I went for a job or anything.
16:27God moves
16:29in a mysterious way,
16:31as wonders to perform.
16:35That's it.
16:37That's what the priest said
16:39when I tried to join up.
16:41I thought I'd mention it,
16:43seeing as you're in the same line of business.
16:45I'm very glad you spoke to me, Frank.
16:49I suppose you don't often get the chance
16:51to have a serious conversation.
16:53Oh, well, in my parish duties...
16:55What the hell do you think you're doing?
16:57Sorry, sir.
16:59All right, stay where you are.
17:01Bert, can I be of help?
17:03Not unless you can drive a car, sir.
17:05I want this van shifted forward about six feet.
17:07Bert!
17:09Oh, I can drive.
17:11You can drive?
17:13All right, then, go on, then.
17:15Be careful, then.
17:17A fine young man.
17:27Lucky I brought them with me
17:29for my driving lesson afterwards.
17:31You're not still taking lessons?
17:33Yes, I'm getting on quite well.
17:35I've had 14 so far.
17:37Oh, but, look, are you quite sure
17:39it's perfectly all right?
17:41I don't wish to interfere at all,
17:43but you do understand...
17:45Mr Foreman!
17:47I say, do forgive me, but...
17:49Be all right, sir, be out of the way.
17:53What the hell's that?
17:55Frank! Get out of there!
17:57Frank!
18:15Oh!
18:25Pity about Mr Spencer.
18:27Sacked on his first day.
18:29Again.
18:31Must be very worrying for you.
18:33Yes, well, I've managed to find him something else.
18:35What? Another job?
18:37That was quick.
18:39Oh, I don't mess about, Mr Hooper.
18:41I believe in getting on with things.
18:43Yes, I should think so.
18:45There's no great problem.
18:47It was merely a question of finding out
18:49where he could be fitted in.
18:51By the way,
18:53before you both start,
18:55I thought I ought to tell you
18:57that we shall be having a new member of staff.
18:59Pressure of work, you know.
19:01He'll be assisting me in various duties.
19:03Mr Bradshaw, I am the senior member of your staff.
19:05I am quite capable of offering you
19:07any assistance you require.
19:09This is no reflection on you, Mr Hooper, at all.
19:11I thought that fresh blood, new ideas
19:13would help us a little.
19:15And I'm sure he'll be a great asset to all of us.
19:17Ah, here he is. Come in.
19:19Good morning.
19:21Now, this is Mrs Dobson
19:23and Mr Spencer.
19:25Good morning.
19:27And, of course, you already know Mr Hooper.
19:29Mmm.
19:31Now, I'm sure they both make you feel at home.
19:33I thought this was his home.
19:35Mr Spencer, would you mind waiting out there, please?
19:37Mmm.
19:39There's something the matter.
19:41It's not right, is it?
19:43I mean, you're jeopardising the entire employment exchange
19:45just so you can win your bet.
19:47Our little wager has nothing whatever to do with it.
19:49Well, I'm not giving you the money until he's done a week.
19:51Mr Hooper, Mr Spencer is here to stay,
19:53whatever you might think.
19:55I have found him employment worthy of his talents.
20:03Ah, nice.
20:17Mr Spencer!
20:19Come away from there.
20:21What are you doing? Do you know what this is?
20:23Well, I thought it was a sort of tea thing.
20:25A tea thing?
20:27This is £300,000 worth of equipment.
20:29There are only six of these in the entire country.
20:31Oh. What's it do?
20:33Well, it stores information.
20:35It transmits and receives all the data
20:37from men. It's called Harpo, you see.
20:39Named after the firm who invented it,
20:41that's the Harrison Adams Research Programme Oscillator.
20:43And, look, you see this spool here?
20:45Now,
20:47this contains two years'
20:49concentrated information from every
20:51employment exchange in the country
20:53and yet, within seconds,
20:55every detail on this can be transmitted
20:57to our computer headquarters at Runcorn.
20:59Why have they got something like this
21:01on Clacton Station?
21:03If you put a penny in, it tells your fortune.
21:07Come on with me.
21:09I always carry it around with me. My mother
21:11is rather proud of it, I think.
21:13There.
21:15You are kind, intelligent
21:17and generous.
21:19But your ruthless streak
21:21could make you enemies.
21:23Lucky colour blue.
21:27I know it's not really true,
21:29but I like to look at it when I'm feeling depressed.
21:31It cheers me up a bit.
21:33Oh, I'm sure it does, but I think you'll find that scientific technology
21:35has moved on a little since the days of fortune-telling.
21:37Ah, yes. You can get milk now.
21:39Where?
21:41On Clacton Station.
21:43Now, if it's working...
21:45What, the station?
21:47Now, the milk machine.
21:49My mother always used to think there was a man inside doing it.
21:51I couldn't understand machines.
21:53I told her there wasn't,
21:55but she made me take the back off and have a look.
21:59Now, she never understood machines.
22:01My mother.
22:03I suppose, like Ernie, she used to send him Christmas cards
22:05so he'd remember in the drawer.
22:07Yes, yes.
22:09Well, there are certain similarities between Ernie and this,
22:11but this is far too complicated for you to understand.
22:13Still, I'm sure I'll pick it up
22:15after I've had a couple of goes, aye?
22:17A couple of goes?
22:19Mr Spencer, you surely don't imagine that you're going to be able to help to handle this?
22:21Well, I can.
22:23I thought I was going to be your assistant.
22:25No, no. I just want you in the building, you know, to help generally.
22:27Now, what would you say to a cup of tea?
22:29I wouldn't say no.
22:31No, no, I would like a cup of tea.
22:33I'll get it for you.
22:35Yes, if it's not too much bother.
22:37Now, look, the kitchen is across the corridor there
22:39and Mrs Jones will show you where everything is.
22:51Where's the fire extinguisher?
22:53Oh, my God.
22:55Mr Hooper! Fire extinguisher!
22:57Mr Bradshaw!
22:59Just keep up the telephone and I will try and control it.
23:01Fire extinguisher!
23:05Mr Bradshaw!
23:07Mr Bradshaw!
23:09Fire station!
23:15Mr Bradshaw!
23:17Mr Bradshaw!
23:19Where is it?
23:21Where is it? Tell everybody.
23:23Mr Bradshaw!
23:25Oh!
23:29Wait, where is it?
23:31Mr Bradshaw!
23:33The fire, you fool!
23:35I didn't say there was a fire.
23:37Look, you came into my office and you asked for a fire extinguisher.
23:39I just wanted to know where it was.
23:51Well done, Mr Hooper.
23:53Oh, 25 seconds.
23:55That's not bad for a first exercise.
23:57Exercise?
23:59Fire drill. I just wanted to see if you were on your toes.
24:01Yes, miss. Not you, you fool.
24:05Mr Spencer,
24:07why can't you mind your own business?
24:09Well,
24:11you told me that I should look round
24:13and I wondered what I should do in case of an emergency.
24:15If ever there is an emergency,
24:17the most useful thing that you can do is to get out of this building
24:19as quickly as possible.
24:23You no longer have any confidence in me.
24:45Leave him.
24:47Now, look, Mrs Spencer, please.
24:49I don't want you to leave, of course.
24:51Now, why don't you go and see about that tea, eh?
24:55I'm sorry.
25:03Bradshaw here.
25:05Oh, hello, Runcorn.
25:07Yes, yes, certainly. Right away, yes.
25:09I'll deal with it. Right.
25:11Mr Hooper!
25:13Computer headquarters, Runcorn on the phone.
25:15They want a complete check.
25:17Full rundown and all our information.
25:19Ah.
25:21Don't bring that thing in here!
25:23Mr Hooper.
25:25Well, just keep it out of the way, will you?
25:27Yes.
25:29Hello, Runcorn.
25:31Bradshaw here. Runcorn here.
25:33We shall want your 1972-73
25:35revised six.
25:371972-73
25:39revised six. Right.
25:41Right. No, no, no, no.
25:43Spool 49, please.
25:45Spool 49.
25:47We had 49.
25:4949 was here, sir.
25:51There's some over here.
25:5349 should be...
25:55It's 79.
25:57There's plenty.
25:5949 should be 49.
26:03There's 49.
26:0549!
26:1749!
26:31Spool 49.
26:33You idiot, look what you've done.
26:35I'm sorry.
26:37Can you remember what was on it?
26:41Remember.
26:43There were over two million calculations on that one spool alone.
26:45Two years' work.
26:47And now look at it.
26:49I'll get you another cup of tea.
26:51Well, look, we shall just have to
26:53transmit the master, that's all, and send the coordinates
26:55afterwards. Quick, quick, quick.
26:57Hello, Runcorn.
26:59Look, I'm sorry about the delay. There's been a slight technical hitch,
27:01but you should be getting something through any minute now.
27:03Right. Hurry up, please.
27:05Did you find the master?
27:13Look, I can smell something.
27:15There's something burning.
27:17There's something burning.
27:19I'm telling you, there's something burning
27:21over there.
27:23If you'll ignore me, I can't...
27:35Groucho.
27:41Oh, my God.
27:47That's Runcorn gone up too.
27:51What a poor report about this.
27:53In writing. Yes, sir.
27:57I'll pay you for any damage.
28:01£300,000 worth.
28:03I'll offer my services for nothing.
28:05Runcorn costs £2 million.
28:07I work nights.
28:09Get out, get out.
28:11You are hired.
28:27I'll be off then.
28:29If any other little thing comes up,
28:31I'll be interested.
28:35Yes.
28:37Yes, there is something.
28:39Now, look.
28:41Would you take this home,
28:43read it carefully
28:45and follow the instructions?
28:47Emigrate to Australia.
28:49You see, look,
28:51I think you'll do well there.
28:53Now, you see the man in the picture?
28:55He's a sort of a cowboy
28:57with 5,000 sheep, eh?
28:59Now, that would suit you, wouldn't it?
29:015,000 sheep, eh?
29:03You see, if you had 5,000 sheep,
29:05you could afford to lose a few.
29:07You know, I mean, people would hardly notice,
29:09would they?
29:11Now, after all,
29:13I couldn't lose them all, could I?
29:17I couldn't.
29:19Really?
29:25Bertie, I've lost them!
29:27Boys!
29:49APPLAUSE