First broadcast 30th December 2015.
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Mary Evans
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Mary Evans
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching 2015 Wipe, a programme about things that happened
00:29in 2015. Things like this. Storm Desmond swept in, giving Britain its annual bath. On Sky
00:36News, Jeremy Corbyn sang happy birthday to a flood victim and reduced her to tears. Thereby
00:41adding to the floodwaters, the idiot. Sky News grief vampire Kay Burley tweeted a picture
00:46of a dog looking sad after the Paris attacks. It's heartening really to know that even a
00:50simple animal can post photos like that on Twitter. In a mortifying TV moment at the
00:55Brit Awards, Madonna was accidentally yanked downstairs by a minion. In case you're wondering
01:00how it feels to be pulled off by a dancer in front of an audience of record execs, ask your dad. Fans
01:05were ecstatic at the release of a thrilling new Star Wars film. If you haven't seen it and you're
01:09a bit worried about spoilers, just close your eyes for two seconds. Okay, you can open them now. Oh
01:14shit, sorry, thought you still had them closed. There were incredible scenes as British astronaut
01:19Tim Peake blasted into space. He's on a daring mission to rescue the man stranded on the moon
01:24in that trite and sentimental John Lewis advert. They called him a hero, but the way the world's
01:29going to me, he looks more like a guy chickening out and using an escape pod. All well and good,
01:33but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's start at the beginning. Usually the first few weeks of
01:38January are kind of uneventful. Not this time. Barbaric scenes in Paris. Twelve people have been
01:46shot dead after masked men stormed the offices of a French magazine. Sorry everyone, I was hoping
01:55to keep it light for the first five minutes of this year's show, but this is what happened. Bloody
01:59world. In the days that followed, a depressing can-can of world leaders shuffled along the
02:04Parisian street while countless citizens pledged their commitment to freedom of speech, while on
02:08apocalypse-ready Fox News, massive anchors were on hand to suggest a nuanced response to the threat
02:13at the very top of their lungs. We need to kill them. We need to kill them. Bomb them, bomb them,
02:22and bomb them again. Still, January wasn't exclusively depressing, no, because an advert
02:28appeared which was apparently the funniest thing ever. Yes, this light-hearted commercial in which
02:36a sort of disturbing half-apprentice contender, half-Beyonce centaur, twerks his way around the
02:41city streets became officially the most hilarious thing that's ever happened. Soon, the man behind,
02:46or more accurately, inside Dave's epic strut was appearing in all manner of promo opportunities
02:51around the capital. He even appeared on Daytime Culture's stall walk this morning to meet Amanda
02:55and Phil. I've forgotten about Charlie Hebdo already. Later in the year, the Sun newspaper
03:05mocked up a psychosexually confusing front-page image of George Osborne doing the epic strut
03:10after it was impressed with his budget. Tell you what, this is going in my big scrapbook of sexy
03:15George Osborne pictures. What do you make of your picture on the front of the Sun this morning? You
03:21happy with that? Yeah, I almost spilt my coffee this morning when I read the front page of the Sun.
03:28Yeah, whatever. Shut up. Come on, give us a twirl. Show us your legs. February was a month when
03:35humankind was bitterly divided over colors. Thanks to a mundane photo on social media, this
03:40became the single most notorious dress since the one Bill Clinton accidentally laminated in the
03:45Oval Office. Problem was, no one could agree what color the dress was, something every news show on
03:49earth expertly illustrated with fascinating vox pops. I'm gonna go with blue, like that. It's blue.
03:55Well, now it's black and blue, actually. No, it's not. Yes, it is. You know there's a war on, yeah? What
04:01color do you think that is? According to the boffins, your reaction to the dress depended largely on how
04:06your brain works, i.e. if your brain works, you couldn't give a shit what color it is. In illuminating
04:10scenes on Sky News, Kay Burley was so bamboozled gawping at the dress, she couldn't see she was
04:15trying to talk to a still image of a man instead of a live human. Joining us now from Cardiff is Dr.
04:20Ashley Wood, a lecturer at the School of Optometry and Vision Science. Thank you very much indeed for
04:25joining us on Sky News this afternoon. What color did you see it as, first of all?
04:29Oh, look at the sadness in his eyes. There was this sort of film thing called Fifty Shades of
04:39Grey. It was like a cross between a romantic drama and a documentary warning women about a
04:44maniac on the loose. There was this woman in it who found herself in a submissive, violent
04:49relationship with a dominant man. She goes to interview this rich businessman called Christian
04:54Grey, who's become a billionaire despite not being able to pull facial expressions. How about
04:59we try a few with a smile? He's a massively successful billionaire CEO, with his name all
05:07up in huge lettering on stuffy arms. Like Donald Trump, but younger and better looking, and a bit
05:14less of a burgeoning fascist tyrant who the world must stop at any cost. Actually, he sort of looks
05:19like Colin Firth, but done in Lego. You can see why she falls for him. He's handsome, he's rich,
05:26he flies around in a helicopter, he plays the piano with his tits out, and he's got a secret
05:31red room containing the world's biggest collection of bum sticks and things you hit horses with.
05:35Anyway, at the start of the film, he's a characterless, controlling sadist. But gradually,
05:40as their relationship blossoms, he stays that way. It's basically a film adaptation of Punch
05:48and Judy, because it's about this weird wooden man who enjoys beating a woman, but without the
05:53bit where a crocodile steals some sausages. Which might have redeemed it. As a film, it looks glossy
05:59and modern, but it's basically your old-fashioned standard romance. Boy meets girl, boy psychologically
06:04dominates girl, girl acquiesces to boy's every demand, boy hits girl with crop, boy hits girl
06:11with fluffy stick thing, boy ties girl up and yanks girl's hair, boy hits girl with belt, and girl
06:17leaves boy having explored the wilder fringes of her own sexuality in a carefully controlled, albeit
06:22unrealistic environment. Way back in 2014, controversial human exhaust pipe Jeremy Clarkson
06:28had run into trouble for allegedly using a racist word in a Top Gear outtake, after which he was on
06:34his final warning with the BBC. So all he had to do in 2015 was keep a low profile. Maybe not punch
06:41anybody. Should be easy. Just to tell you that we are just hearing from the BBC that Jeremy Clarkson
06:50has been suspended. Oh Jeremy. At first it wasn't quite clear what had happened. The BBC would only
06:56say Clarkson had been involved in a fracar, a word which was soon dancing awkwardly across the lips
07:01of every newsreader on earth. What the BBC called a fracar. Fracar. Fracar. Following a fracar.
07:06Following a fracar. Fracar. Supposed fracar. Fracas. Fracas. What do you make of the term? A fracas. It was a PR for
07:13castrophe. It turned out that following a strenuous day's work being filmed driving cars in exchange
07:18for many thousands of pounds, Clarkson had retired to this hotel, ordered a steak and discovered he
07:23could only have a cold meat platter, which he turned down in favour of some red hot beef. While
07:27Clarkson hung in limbo, the media camped outside his London pad, peering at him through long lenses
07:32as he paced around like a depressed polar bear, smoking like polar bears don't. Meanwhile at street
07:37level a campaign for his reinstatement was beginning to gather steam. David Cameron said
07:41he hoped he'd be back on TV. I hope this can be sorted out because it's a great program and he's
07:47a great talent. While gladiator Russell Crowe said he could empathize. The thing that I'm sympathetic
07:52about with towards Jeremy in this particular instance is I know how long a day can be. Yeah
07:58we've all got clocks mate. So if he's made a statement as I look that I'll go as hard as I
08:04can all day long and all I need at the end of the day is something to eat, I don't think that sounds
08:09to me like an unreasonable request. No, but it sounds like a pretty good personal mission
08:13statement. Things were becoming more and more fraught and as over a million people signed a
08:17petition for his reinstatement, it looked like the whole thing might spark a civil war. I'm just
08:22going to show you some pictures from outside this building, namely a broadcasting house in central
08:28London where a petition calling for the reinstatement of Jeremy Clarkson to Top Gear
08:34has been delivered to the BBC. Anyway eventually the BBC made their decision. Top Gear presenter
08:40Jeremy Clarkson has been dropped from the show. The news then suddenly became a kind of weird
08:44obituary with people queuing up to pay tribute as though Clarkson had died, even the director
08:49general joined in. I've always been a great fan of his work on Top Gear and I also believe that
08:54his voice and voices like his have a place, an important place on the BBC. That's good to know,
09:02so as long as I carry on speaking like this, my future at the BBC is assured. What is it with
09:09the Venezuelans? Bloody animals. Anyway now Clarkson had gone, there was the little question
09:15of where he'd end up. Presumably he could pick and choose his job offers and we all know how
09:19he does that as seen in this simulation. What? Because this is how you do it. No. Hello, back in the spring, as you probably remember, I suddenly became unbusy. Yes, as this
09:36light-hearted advert made clear, in the end he went with Amazon, although it's only a matter of time
09:40till he insults the Amazonians. They're definitely gonna fire him if he uses the n-word. Netflix.
09:45Expectant car fans already can't wait for the new show to launch. I've got a preview here of
09:51exactly the kind of tantalising spinning wheel action they can expect. Also in March, celebrity
10:00hunchback King Richard the Third had burial the second. They dug him up a few years ago and tried
10:04to bring him back to life by sticking a plasticine face on him, but that hadn't worked. He'd stayed
10:09dead, so now they were planning to throw him back in the ground, a bit like lobbing back a fish you
10:13don't want. As the startling news coverage made clear, R3-D2 now got the respectful burial he'd
10:18been denied in life, centuries too late and at great expense, in the weirdest and most arcane
10:22royal event since every single other one. That is an event which will only take place once in all
10:28eternity. Yeah, you know this is his second burial. He'll probably want another one next year, the
10:33Diva. Old Dickie Double Coffin, that's what I call him. Soon his royal deadness was lying in Leicester
10:38Cathedral, disguised as a wooden attack walker from Empire Strikes Back, while funeral-likers
10:42stood outside watching on a traditional jumbotron screen, soaking up the comprehensive coverage as
10:47Heritage Bandersnatch read a sombre poem specially written for the occasion by the poet Laureate.
10:51My bones, scripted in light upon cold soil. Nothing like bloody poetry to bring the mood
10:59down at a good funeral. Finally, the entire nation watched in silent solemnity as a group of uniformed
11:05men filed into the back of Leicester Cathedral to lovingly bury their dick in the ground. Cool,
11:09look, you can see him going in. In April, there was no ignoring the forthcoming general election.
11:15As the election campaign began, honey roast Prime Minister David Cameron, seen here
11:19frequenting his local dead pig parlor, came in for some criticism. People were saying his heart
11:24wasn't in it, as he didn't want to serve three terms. Terms are like shredded wheat. Two are
11:28wonderful, three might just be too many. I'm surprised he eats shredded wheat for breakfast.
11:32Don't know why, I just always pictured him getting stuck into some bacon. HRH Cam Sandwich was also
11:38accused of avoiding debate, which is something of a character trait, what with his weird habit of
11:42abruptly walking out of shot the nanosecond he's had enough of answering reporters' questions. Don't
11:47know why he keeps walking away like that. Maybe he's one of those shy Tories they keep going on
11:51about. It's easy to see why he'd be daunted by his chief opponent, human balloon animal Ed
11:55Miliband, a fiery public speaker accustomed to winning over audiences with his powerful rhetoric
12:01and catchphrases like, oh. Miliband had something of an image problem, which wasn't exactly helped
12:11when, in an early head-to-head meeting with weary human fight Jeremy Paxman, he dealt with questions
12:17about his leadership qualities about as convincingly as Stevie Wonder auditioning for the lead role in
12:21American Sniper. The point is people think you're just not tough enough. Well, let me tell you,
12:26right? Let me tell you, okay? Come on. Let me tell you. Quick everyone, set perineum to cringe. Am I
12:34tough enough? I'm tough enough? Hell yes, I'm tough enough. But in the weeks that followed, Miliband
12:40began shedding the geek image, developing the kind of carefree, approachable persona that can only be
12:45pummeled into you by weeks of intensive media training. Some people felt he was no longer an
12:50embarrassment, but a heartthrob. Edward Boy Band, with a growing army of admirers known as the Millie
12:55fandom, who cluttered up the internet with sexy fantasy imagery. Cameron, by contrast, seemed a
13:00little underpowered and was making uncharacteristic campaign gaffes. He got a little too close to a
13:05farm animal for the first time in his life. He was photographed eating a hot dog with a knife and
13:09fork. Good to see him treating a pork product with all the respect it deserves. And on Sky News, he
13:14forgot which football team he pretends to support, accidentally naming a different team instead of
13:18his beloved Aston Villa. Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB all at the
13:24same time. Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham. West Ham? Why is he obsessed with ham?
13:33Meanwhile, down-to-earth, tough-of-the-people George Osborne was all over the media trying to
13:38artificially inflate Britain's employment stats by doing almost every flavour of manual job
13:42imaginable. Oh, that's another one for the scrapbook. Look at him, he's so good with his
13:46hands. He was constantly in high viz, working in factories, looking at plans, operating diggers,
13:53breaking into the Hatton Garden Save Deposit Company. Hang on a minute. You've just found an
13:58extra eight billion pounds. All I'm asking is, where does it come from? No higher taxes, extra
14:03public spending cuts, where? Of course, Labour v Tory was only one part of the story. There was no
14:09escaping the new multiplicity in the leaders' debates as a full peacock's tail feather of
14:13different parties fanned out to debate the big issues, in scenes resembling a 15-to-1 wannabe
14:18tyrant special. This provided a great public hearing for UKIP's Nigel Farage, who finally had
14:24got the chance to debate Britain's out-of-control multiculturalism with six other white people. He
14:29tried to win over the crowd in the first debate with some populist AIDS patient bashing. There are
14:347,000 diagnoses in this country every year for people who are HIV positive. 60% of them are not
14:41British nationals. Yeah, you tell them, Nige, bloody foreigners coming over here guzzling our
14:46medicine. They're not just ill, they're greedy. Tiny Trump wasn't having the best time of it,
14:51this campaign. He looked tired and fed up and even turned on the audience and the Metropolitan
14:55BBC during debate number 76. There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel,
15:00and indeed amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience, even by the left-wing
15:07standards of the BBC. I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing. To be fair, the BBC had been subjecting
15:12him to some pretty uncompromising questions throughout the campaign. Did you see the Paddington
15:17Bear movie last year? No. Racist. Meanwhile, in the Lib Dem camp, Deputy PM Nick Clegg seemed to
15:23have decided to enjoy his last few weeks in the spotlight. He was out touring the country like a
15:28one-show reporter doing a guide to days out for less with the family. He went bowling, he dangled
15:33off a zip wire, and he dawdled around at a hedgehog sanctuary. He seemed to be prematurely
15:41off-duty, kind of relaxed, even apparently enjoying the abuse he was getting on social
15:45media, if this Illuminating Sun video was anything to go by. Tom McRae, that Nick Clegg,
15:50he's a piece of work, and by work I mean shit. That's nice, Tom. Faring rather better was the
15:57SNP. They'd been growing in confidence ever since they finished an impressive second in last year's
16:01yes-no referendum. And now they had a new media-friendly leader in the form of fiery pepper
16:06pot Nicola Sturgeon, who became super popular super fast, posing for selfies all over the shop
16:11like a tartan Kardashian. The prospect of Scotland wielding some power seemed terrifying to some
16:16quarters of the press, and stoking English fears of this Scottish resurgence was one Tory tactic
16:22that seemed to be gaining traction. Maybe that's why in the final days of the campaign, Cameron
16:26seemed notably fired up. He was out making bold claims. Were you put to bed with rumours that you
16:31planned to cut child tax credit and restrict child benefits to children? Well, thank you Jenny
16:36for that question. No, I don't want to do that. And giving good pep talk. Taking a risk, having a punt,
16:42having a go, that pumps me up, and it's what is changing our country. Look at that, he's gone
16:47pinky and perky. Meanwhile, Ed Miliband was trying to make his own populist appeals by turning up to
16:53talk politics with shag-happy Che Guevara Russell Brand. The Tories want to say this is as good as it
16:58gets. Yeah. And this isn't as good as it gets for the country. He also unveiled a granite-based equal
17:04rights for stones policy. He's had his campaign pledges engraved on an eight-foot tall tablet of
17:09limestone. They're carved in stone because they won't be abandoned after the general election. I
17:16want the British people to remember these pledges, to remind us of these pledges. Yeah, hi, Ed, yeah,
17:23do you remember the time you carved a load of pledges on a massive stone? No, he's hung up. But
17:30no matter what the leaders said, did, or fell off, it seemed the polls were stubbornly failing
17:34to shift. But what if the polling agencies have got it just a little bit wrong? Welcome to the
17:40BBC's election centre. Four minutes from now, when Big Ben strikes ten, we can legally reveal the
17:47contents of this, our exit poll. Anything could happen, it promised to be an epic marathon of
17:52constitutional chaos. You'd need a degree in oncology to sort out. That's why I'm set for the
17:57longest election night ever. Weeks of negotiation and number crunching, and I'm prepared for it all.
18:01To make sense of the results, I've got a load of laptops, I've got a slide rule, a copy of the
18:05parliamentary guidelines, that 5D swing-o-meter, Paul the octopus, a ZX Spectrum, I've got a
18:11soothsayer, and to help me stay awake, I've got a thermos flask full of coffee to swig from, I've
18:16got a bucket to piss and shit in, and a platter of performance enhancing drugs. So come on, hit me
18:22with the exit poll, come on, tell me just how complicated and drawn-out this is going to be.
18:26Oh, I can't wait, it's going to be good. But here it is, ten o'clock, and we are saying the
18:31Conservatives are the largest party. Oh, what? Bloody octopus is broken. It seems voters have
18:39been trolling the pollsters all along. It's hard to know really how they can make opinion polls any
18:43more accurate. Maybe they should ask two questions. One, who are you going to vote for? And two, no
18:48really, who are you going to vote for? Meanwhile, back in election night, while the Tories chortled
18:52their socks off, a full-blown red wedding was occurring for the other parties, as one well-known
18:57face after another was toppled. Vince Cable, Jim Murphy, Danny Alexander, Simon Hughes, Ed Balls,
19:04Zayn Malik, they all naffed off to oblivion villas, and then the great purge began. Nigel Farage
19:09temporarily sent himself back to where he came from. And I will consider, over the course of this
19:14summer, whether to put my name forward to do that job again. Nick Clegg showed himself the door. I
19:20will be resigning as leader of the Liberal Democrats. And Ed Miliband announced a 100% cut
19:25in himself. So I'm tendering my resignation, taking effect after this afternoon's commemoration of VE
19:31Day at the Cenotaph. Must have been a bit depressing for Eddie, baby. Suppose the only way it could
19:35have been any more depressing is if, a few hours later, he had to stand beside the bloke who beat
19:39him, laying a wreath to a mournful musical accompaniment, in a waking nightmare, symbolising
19:44the death of his electoral dreams. I mean, thank God he didn't have to do that. Soon, Cambo and Sam,
19:49seen here in a white and gold dress, were back at number 10. While on daytime TV post-mortem, some
19:54Labour supporters were left sounding a little bitter. But I think the way the election went, it
19:58kind of shows that this country doesn't deserve a leader who's got so much, like, integrity and
20:04principles. I think Ed Miliband's too good for this fucking country, to be honest. No, no, you can't
20:08swear on daytime television, so I think I will apologise. And would you like to apologise too? Yes, I'd like to
20:14apologise. I shouldn't have sworn, it's very bad of me. June saw the shocking conclusion of the fifth season of Game of Thrones.
20:21It's based on Lord of the Rings by William Shakespeare, and it's set in sort of series one Blackadder times,
20:26before dragons became extinct. Pretty much every British actor ever has shown up in it at some
20:30point. I think it's like jury service, and they get called up. It goes on for ages, and you never know
20:34who's going to die next, just like Last of the Summer Wine. One of the main characters is called
20:38Jon Snow. He's a kind of anguished hero, with exceptional hair, which is quite an achievement,
20:43when you think about how hard it must be to maintain a half-decent male grooming regime by
20:47candlelight in a violent fantasy realm. Loads of things have happened to Jon Snow. Every moment of
20:52his life has been an incredible journey. He's looked miserable in forests, and looked miserable
20:56in the snow. He's looked miserable during the night, miserable during the day, and miserable
21:01because he was about to get off with this beautiful woman, and miserable when she shot him
21:04with an arrow, and miserable in a castle, and miserable in a boat, looking at a sort of zombie
21:09monster thing. He's been on this sort of flat roller coaster of one emotion, which is misery.
21:14Until this year, he got knifed by some of the other characters. I'm not sure why,
21:18but I think he stole someone's watch.
21:24For the watch.
21:27So then he was left looking miserable on his back in the snow, but properly miserable this time,
21:31because let me tell you, getting stabbed really stings. Oh, look at the sadness in his eyes.
21:37Now, throughout the year, feminism has been in the headlines for one reason or another.
21:41There were debates about sexism on the internet, and as this illuminating coverage showed,
21:45women in Saudi Arabia won the right to vote and pose for virtually meaningless selfies.
21:50Here to explore feminism is Philomena Kunk, with one of her moments of wonder.
22:06We used to think men were from Mars and women were from Venus,
22:10but scientists now believe they're both hatched on Earth,
22:13thousands, maybe even hundreds of years ago.
22:19But even though there have probably been women on the planet as long as men,
22:22for most of that time, the two sides haven't been equal.
22:26The only things that make a woman different from a man are her breasts and her hair.
22:32The only things that make a woman different from a man
22:35are her breasts and vagina, and also his testicles and penis.
22:42It's easy to see how these fearsome and almighty genitals
22:46convinced generations of men that they were superior.
22:53Back in Queen Victorian times, women weren't allowed to vote,
22:57even though we had a female king.
22:59So some women formed a gang called the Suffragettes.
23:04The Suffragettes did things that were considered shocking at the time,
23:07like throwing themselves in front of the king's racehorse.
23:11They did this partly to highlight how unfair it was that women didn't have a vote but horses did,
23:16and also because being women, they really liked ponies.
23:20They also went on hunger strike,
23:23sparking the cool fad for women's diets that continues to this day.
23:28The Suffragettes opened doors for millions of women,
23:31whereas before, they had to wait for men to open those doors for them.
23:36If it wasn't for the Suffragettes, I probably wouldn't be standing here now.
23:40I'd be in a kitchen where I belong.
23:44Amazingly, it took until 1928 for the women of Britain to be given a vote,
23:49and not just a vote, but a vote each, which is furrer.
23:53Even though women had a vote, they were still second class.
23:57Like a shit stamp.
23:58So in the 1960s century, there was a new wave of femininists.
24:04Back in old but still in colour times, women were seen as eye candy,
24:08which are sweets you eat just by looking at them.
24:11Then in 1970, femininists protested at the Miss World show
24:16and threw ink bombs at Bob Hope, ruining his chances of winning.
24:21Today, shallow beauty contests are unacceptable,
24:24and women are more visible everywhere,
24:26taking important roles in landmark high-quality television programmes
24:30like Game of Thrones and True Detective.
24:33Despite all that, today a woman's half as likely
24:36to earn over £50,000 a year than a man.
24:39And to add insult to injury,
24:41that money will most likely have a picture of a man on it,
24:44because most banknotes don't have women on them,
24:48apart from the Queen, who's on all of them.
24:51But what is feminism anyway?
24:53To find out more, I asked an expert.
24:57Hello, who are you?
24:59I'm Mary Evans.
25:00I'm a Centennial Professor at the Gender Institute
25:03at the London School of Economics.
25:05And what is a femininist?
25:07A feminist is a person, male or female,
25:10who thinks that women should have the same human and civic rights as men.
25:16Can a femininist wear makeup?
25:19Well, I'm wearing it at the moment,
25:22and so I would think that's perfectly possible.
25:25But if they found out, they might cast you out, do you think?
25:28I'm not sure who would cast me out.
25:30I don't think people go around casting people out.
25:32If men were women,
25:34do you think they'd have been better at doing feminism than we are?
25:38I don't think men would be any better than women are
25:42at putting forward the feminist case.
25:44They're always thinking about sex, aren't they?
25:47Like a lot of people.
25:48They're thinking about how to pay their mortgages,
25:51how to put food on the table.
25:52There are lots of questions to fill up everybody's daily lives.
25:57So they're just like us, really, aren't they?
25:59They've got their own little personalities.
26:01I think they have, and some of those personalities
26:03are a lot littler than other personalities.
26:06But there's certainly a very, very rich range of them.
26:09Yeah.
26:10When a femininist looks in the mirror,
26:12do they see an equal woman or a better woman?
26:16Erm...
26:18They quite often, like all of us, look for what they want to see
26:22and they look for what they hope to see.
26:24You see yourself back to front, don't you, in a mirror?
26:28But not upside down. Why's that?
26:31Well, hopefully, because that's the way that mirrors are designed.
26:34What power's a mirror?
26:36Sorry, you're not the mirrors expert, are you?
26:38I'm afraid not.
26:42How far have we come?
26:44Men in vans still whistle at women in the street,
26:47though thanks to femininism, the man in the van might be a woman
26:51and the woman they're whistling at might be a prime minister.
26:55Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking,
26:58why is the world's hair such a weird colour?
27:04Following the general election,
27:06the Labour Party was left wandering around in the wilderness,
27:09not really knowing what to do with itself.
27:10A bit like Howard from Take That in the late 90s.
27:13So they held a leadership raffle to see who could run the party next.
27:17The main three contenders were all professional politicians
27:19and you could tell they were professional
27:21because they were hard to relate to on any basic human level.
27:23I mean, really, look into Andy Burnham's eyes
27:26and you experience exactly the same sensation
27:28you'd get gazing at a face scribbled on a kitchen appliance.
27:31Anyway, the contest was set to go ahead until...
27:34We've just heard in the last few seconds
27:37that the veteran left-wing MP, Jeremy Corbyn,
27:40has secured his place in the Labour leadership race.
27:43Yes, at the last minute, a bunch of MPs added someone called Jeremy Corbyn
27:47to the list for a laugh to see what would happen.
27:49The previously unheard-of backbencher,
27:51who bore a resemblance to everyone from an old history teacher
27:54to an old history supply teacher,
27:55had gone unnoticed for decades, but now he was everywhere.
27:58And his weird gimmick was that he didn't have a gimmick.
28:01I mean, he dresses like a politician from archive footage,
28:04specifically Jeremy Corbyn in 1984.
28:07Is that the jumper that your mum made?
28:09Yes, it is.
28:11She didn't make the shirt as well?
28:12No, no, she didn't make the shirt, that came from the car.
28:14What that means is, rather than looking polished, he looks sort of normal.
28:18He looks like just some bloke, someone you might see
28:20trying to buy a grab bag of salt and vinegar discos
28:22at a motorway service station branch of Smith's
28:24and having to call for assistance
28:26because the sensor thing can't read the barcode.
28:28And these days, that's inspiring.
28:30To use a highbrow allusion, putting Jeremy Normal Corbyn
28:34into the media glare alongside the professional politicos
28:37was a bit like when they put Chantel,
28:39who at the time was a normal member of the public,
28:41into Celebrity Big Brother season four,
28:43and she quickly won over viewers
28:45just by not being one of the elite she was sharing a space with.
28:48If Corbyn mania was like that, there was every chance
28:50that just like Chantel, he might win.
28:53Or at least get off with Preston.
28:55Sure enough, Corbyn soon started building support
28:57with people queuing round the block to see him.
28:59Months ago, no one even knew who he was,
29:01and now suddenly, people would pack a haul to the rafters
29:03just to watch him piss in a teacup.
29:05And his anti-establishment stance was starting to win an audience.
29:08There was a quote from you in the Sun newspaper today
29:12from a video you did.
29:14Would you stand by those remarks?
29:16I don't know what the remarks are if I don't buy the Sun newspaper.
29:22Labour were furious.
29:23Under Miliband, the leadership rules had changed,
29:25meaning anyone could join the party and have a vote for three pounds.
29:28It's just silly.
29:29Labour's supposed to represent the voice of the people.
29:31You can't let just anyone have a say in that.
29:34Labour weren't the only critics of the potential Labour leader.
29:37Some did their best to paint him as the ultimate red menace.
29:39Even Panorama seemed to be trying to make him seem sinister,
29:42which was quite a tall order given his appearance
29:44was about as non-threatening as it gets.
29:46We heard him singing socialist anthems.
29:52Saw him mingling with Tory-hating hardliners.
30:00And heard chilling tales of Corbyn's true nature
30:03from those who knew him best.
30:05So, for example, if you run into him on a train,
30:08as I have done on one occasion,
30:10he'll immediately get out his box of sandwiches,
30:12which are vegetarian, of course,
30:15and cut them in half and give half to you.
30:17That means he carries a knife on a train.
30:19And look, look, his shadow's out of sync with his body.
30:22That's weird. Probably means he's a vampire or something.
30:25That voice cannot be silenced.
30:27That voice cannot be stopped.
30:30That power cannot be denied.
30:32In the end, party members and anyone with a spare three quid
30:34knocking around ignored all the warnings and elected Corbyn leader.
30:38Jeremy Corbyn elected as leader of the Labour Party.
30:42Oh, look at the sadness in Andy Burnham's eye.
30:44The news media soon made it apparent old Corbuchov
30:47had an unusual manner with reporters,
30:49almost as if he didn't like them.
30:51There's people bothering me.
30:53We're not bothering you.
30:55We're from the press.
30:56This was possibly because they'd been criticising
30:58the way his cabinet was put together
30:59and accusing him of links with anti-Semites
31:01and terrorist sympathisers.
31:03But then again, the press went out of its way
31:04to criticise him for more or less everything.
31:06They accused him of being scruffy,
31:08of failing to sing the national anthem,
31:10dithering about, kneeling in front of the Queen,
31:12not bowing with a sufficiently respectful angle at the cenotaph
31:15and using a stunt dog double to win Britain's Got Talent.
31:17Of course, Red Jez couldn't avoid media attention forever
31:20and was eventually forced to do the rounds,
31:22at which point his unrehearsed style
31:24even surprised some of the reporters.
31:26Normally, politicians, they know their answers
31:30before you've even asked the question,
31:32but Jeremy Corbyn last night almost, frankly,
31:35seemed to be thinking aloud.
31:38Thing is, sometimes it was hard to tell
31:39whether Corbyn's brand of scruffy unprofessionalism
31:42made him refreshing or, well, just a bit crap.
31:44Like when, during his big conference speech,
31:46he read the instructions,
31:48strong message here, off the autocue.
31:50And strong message here, not cutting student numbers.
31:55Bloody amateur.
31:56CB lifts mug and drinks coffee.
31:58Stupid Corbyn cut to footage of Corbyn.
32:01But, of course, Corbyn's got bigger problems
32:03than mere autocue gaffes.
32:04For one thing, he's broadly viewed as a throwback
32:06to a long-forgotten era of militant leftist politics.
32:09Most of his own MPs didn't really want him as leader.
32:11He seems incapable of keeping dissent in check
32:13within his own party,
32:15and his ideological stance puts him at odds
32:17with huge swathes of the electorate.
32:18Add it all together and many would say
32:20he's completely and utterly unelectable.
32:22Yeah, well, that's what they said about Ed Miliband.
32:25The Tories were delighted by Corbyn's victory
32:27and later in the year used their conference
32:29as an opportunity to try and seize the centre ground.
32:32We, we are the builders.
32:35Of course, the problem with straddling left and right
32:36is you end up in an awkward position,
32:38as this photo proved.
32:39Nice spread leg shot.
32:40Another one for the scrapbook.
32:42The man of the moment was also on hand
32:44to only mildly gloat about the election results.
32:47I don't know about you,
32:47but it only takes two words to cheer me up.
32:51Pig's mouth?
32:51Sorry, couldn't help it.
32:53Exit poll.
32:54Oh, right, yeah.
32:55He also took the time to fling some cuss at Corbyn
32:58by taking something he'd said about Osama bin Laden
33:00out of context.
33:01He thinks the death of Osama bin Laden was a tragedy.
33:06God, it'd be awful if we found some things Cameron had said
33:08and used them out of context.
33:10Do you know what, Christians and Muslims,
33:11we can't really live together
33:13and suicide bombings all right in Israel.
33:16Really? I'm surprised to hear you say that.
33:18Well, of course, I don't support terrorism,
33:20but a caliphate, is that such a bad idea?
33:22God, this is strong stuff, Dave.
33:24What would you say to anyone thinking of supporting you?
33:26My friends, we cannot let that man
33:29inflict his security-threatening,
33:30terrorist-sympathizing, Britain-hating ideology
33:33on this country we love.
33:37In July, one reckless dentist
33:39made everyone in the world say, aw.
33:42Forget sticking a drill into a canine,
33:44the media revealed dentist Walter Palmer
33:46had flown to Africa and stuck an arrow in a feline.
33:49Didn't even give him a I was a brave lion today sticker.
33:52No, just bloody deaded the thing.
33:53And it wasn't just any old lion, any old lion,
33:56any, any, any old lion.
33:57No, he'd killed Cecil the lion.
33:59Cecil had appeared in photographs and adverts,
34:01attended the opening of literally hundreds of gazelles,
34:04he'd released a sizzling sex tape, and now he was dead.
34:07The outcry was immediate and vocal.
34:09It's like having, going out porpoise fishing, right?
34:13And getting flipper, if you're whacking flipper.
34:16Shut him down! Shut him down!
34:19He's despicable, he's a killer, he's a murderer.
34:23The outrage grew across all media,
34:25and folks soon found out where Walter Palmer lived,
34:28partly because the details were leaked online,
34:29but mainly because he had the words lion killer
34:31painted on his garage.
34:32I mean, that's just adding insult to injury.
34:34Worse still, the coverage made clear
34:36Walter Palmer had previous for beast murder.
34:39Back then, no one cared about the other animals he'd killed
34:41because they didn't have names,
34:42or at least I don't think they did.
34:43Maybe he shot their names off too, the bastard.
34:46Anyway, while the outrage grew,
34:47the butcher himself was lion low,
34:50while emotions were still raw, dead lion jokes,
34:54as the news revealed tributes to Cecil
34:56eventually reached lady die proportions
34:58as landmarks were draped in his dead mane.
35:00Earlier this month, Cecil's face was projected
35:03onto New York's Empire State Building,
35:06and for a moment, even in this concrete jungle,
35:10he was still king.
35:12Eventually, everyone moved on, Cecil stayed dead,
35:14and Walter Palmer calmly went back to his day job
35:16drilling holes in the faces of blameless children.
35:19Sorry, what do you want, a just world?
35:20You're fucking dreaming.
35:22There was this faraway Times man called Ted Heath
35:25who's dead now, but he's still alive
35:27in all the footage of him,
35:28and he was either this sort of famous prime minister
35:31who reformed local government
35:33and took Britain into the EU,
35:35or one of the most horrific monsters
35:38our country has ever seen,
35:39and it wasn't clear which one he was.
35:41I think they were twins.
35:42One was called Ted Heath,
35:44and the other one was Edward Heath.
35:46I mean, they kept talking about both of them on the news.
35:48Former prime minister, Sir Edward Heath.
35:50Ted Heath.
35:50Edward Heath.
35:51Ted Heath.
35:52Edward Heath.
35:52Sir Ted Heath.
35:53Sir Edward Heath.
35:54They were the first twins to ever be prime minister.
35:58Prime ministers.
36:00Primes, primes ministers,
36:02I don't know what the right term is.
36:04Thing is, because he looks the same as himself
36:06in all the pictures,
36:07when you watch the footage,
36:09you can't tell which of the Heath twins he is,
36:11the good one or the evil one,
36:13if there was an evil one or a good one.
36:15It's totally confusing,
36:17and that's probably how he got away with it for so long,
36:19if he did get away with it.
36:21Or the other one did, or didn't.
36:23There was another dead politician called Little Britain,
36:26and he'd been accused of terrible things too.
36:28And again, no one knew if he'd done those things or not.
36:31But there's this detective called Tom Watson,
36:34who just wouldn't drop the case.
36:36I think he works for the Labour Party branch of the police.
36:38People got cross with him and called him a witch hunter,
36:41but they'll shut up pretty quickly
36:43the day he finally does catch a real witch.
36:45Entertainment and ITV introduced a bewildered
36:48and blameless nation to Flock Stars,
36:50a celebrity sheepdog trial,
36:51which was only slightly less harrowing
36:53than the year's other celebrity trials.
36:55It was Strictly Come Dogging, basically.
36:57In fact, just like Strictly,
36:58when I look at the pairings,
36:59I'm never quite sure which one's the famous one.
37:02And I can't help wondering
37:03if they're going to end up doing it.
37:04Bess and Tony Blackburn.
37:06I like the cuddles.
37:09Time to release the sheep.
37:13I don't.
37:15Here they come.
37:18It's the Hebrideans.
37:21Oh, God, talk about lowering the bar.
37:27Flock Stars was just the latest
37:28in a string of doomed attempts
37:30at aping the cosy patriotic success
37:32of the Great British Bake Off
37:33by pummeling something quintessentially British
37:35into a sort of format shape.
37:37It can be filed alongside the Great British Sewing Bee,
37:40the Big Allotment Challenge,
37:41and that other one, the pottery thing.
37:43Surely there's hardly any British bullshit left.
37:46What's next?
37:46The Great British Pavement?
37:48Strictly pub menu?
37:50Viral racist bus rant of the year?
37:52Music contests, too,
37:54have been looking increasingly desperate.
37:55For instance, to mark the 100 years
37:57he might have lived to
37:58had he not died 17 years previously,
38:00the BBC wanted to salute the genius
38:02of charismatic croonsmith Frank Sinatra,
38:04seen here showcasing his seductive voice
38:06and exuberant wanking technique.
38:14Ah!
38:14Anyway, they marked the anniversary
38:16by paying tribute to old blue eyes
38:17in the classiest way possible,
38:19with a ropey talent show
38:20called Frank Sinatra Our Way,
38:22hosted by Pointless star Alexander Armstrong
38:25and Pointless star Rochelle Humes.
38:27This is Frank Sinatra Our Way.
38:39Bit of a strange way to honour Frank Sinatra, really,
38:42by encouraging almost anyone
38:43to take to the stage
38:44and dismantle his musical legacy.
38:46Sort of like paying tribute to Sir Christopher Wren
38:49by making a monkey assemble
38:50some flat-packed furniture.
38:52You do it really, really well,
38:54but I can't remember Frank
38:56when you're doing it.
38:57That's the only problem, unfortunately.
38:59I think that's a kind of good thing,
39:00because we are making it so much our own way
39:02that you almost forget anyone else.
39:04Yeah, sod Sinatra.
39:05Airbrush him from history.
39:06Frank who?
39:08Glitzy establishment crooner spawning plant
39:10The X Factor was also looking wobbly this year,
39:13as it responded to dwindling ratings
39:14by upping its cruelty content,
39:16leading to unedifying scenes of contestants
39:18begging live on air.
39:20I will prove to you,
39:21I will change your mind,
39:22I'm not the girl who...
39:23I'm not the girl who...
39:26Still, if X Factor needs a new gimmick for next year,
39:28maybe it could look to Japan
39:29and its new grotesque adult talent contest
39:32Sing What Happens,
39:33in which contestants have to stay in tune
39:35while being masturbated.
39:36It's not so much a game show,
39:37more a metaphor for everything.
39:43In September, Prime Minister David Cameron
39:46was accused of inserting his penis
39:48into the mouth of a dead pig.
39:51Can I have a glass of water, please?
39:55Yes, the Daily Mail printed extracts
39:57from a biography of David Cameron,
39:58alleging that while a student,
40:00he'd taken part in a bizarre initiation ceremony,
40:02during which he'd inserted his penis
40:04into the mouth of a dead pig.
40:05A statement I still can't believe
40:07I'm reading aloud on BBC television.
40:09Seriously, this is like dreaming while awake.
40:11For a while, the trad TV news
40:13couldn't quite bring itself to discuss
40:14the ins and outs of the pig face allegations,
40:17preferring to mince words.
40:19The unauthorised biography includes allegations
40:21about Mr Cameron's student days,
40:23that he smoked cannabis
40:24and took part in a bizarre initiation ceremony.
40:27There is a quite extraordinary account
40:30of David Cameron's sort of hijinks at university,
40:35a little bit more than hijinks, it has to be said.
40:37We actually can't say some of the other things
40:39he's accused of doing on TV.
40:41We're going to have to leave it at that.
40:42But in the alternative dimension of social media,
40:44it was Christmas Day in 3D,
40:46with pig joke piled upon pig joke
40:48like so much violated sausage meat.
40:51It didn't take long for the dam to burst
40:52and the allegations soon defiled
40:54otherwise straight-laced morning debate shows.
40:56You've also got this issue of the Prime Minister
40:58putting his cock in a dead pig's mouth.
41:00Well, OK, Dan, do you know what, mate?
41:03One, it's an allegation.
41:05Two, your choice of language in referring to that,
41:07I think, far goes beyond what is permitted
41:10at this time of the day.
41:11And at that point, really, you've forfeited
41:12any right to speak on this show.
41:14So bye-bye.
41:15What a waste of a call.
41:16Let's try another.
41:17We've got Lewis on line two.
41:19Eventually, the nationwide chortling reached such a peak,
41:21it was reported workplace productivity was suffering.
41:24But amidst the hilarity, some were wondering
41:26whether maybe, just maybe,
41:28the allegations weren't entirely reliable.
41:30For one thing, Cameron was denying it.
41:32And for another, the book had been co-authored
41:33by Tory donor Lord Ashcroft,
41:35who by his own admission had an axe to grind with Cameron.
41:38And it all boiled down to one rumour
41:39from one anonymous source.
41:41Could have been anyone.
41:42Could have been Keith Lemon.
41:43It was a bit like a dirty protest.
41:45And people like me, who wanted it to be true
41:47just because it was so irresistibly funny,
41:49were the ones daubing someone else's shit
41:51up the cell walls of the collective unconscious.
41:54And it was working.
41:55It even amused loose women.
41:57The funniest thing is that the British public
42:00see the possibility as entirely plausible,
42:03although it has put me off sausage for life.
42:06The book's co-author and chronic smirker,
42:08Isabel Oakeshott, was all over the media
42:10defending the noble tradition
42:11of spreading uncorroborated rumours
42:13from a single potentially unreliable source.
42:15Where's the evidence for the allegations
42:18that you make in the book,
42:19especially the ones about the dead pig?
42:20Look, this is just a few paragraphs
42:24in the middle of a book
42:25which is some 200,000 words long.
42:29Yeah, come on, guys.
42:30There's only a hint of pig f***ing in it.
42:32Do you think the stuff about the pig is true?
42:34We're not there to write a hagiography.
42:36There are some difficult things in there.
42:38And there are also plenty
42:40of extremely complimentary, flattering things
42:43about the prime minister in there as well.
42:44Oh, what kind of compliments?
42:45Let me guess.
42:46He was the best dead pig's head f***er
42:48the world has ever seen.
42:49To be honest, the whole thing left me,
42:51particularly, feeling a bit weirded out.
42:53You see, a few years ago,
42:54I wrote a drama for Channel 4
42:56in which a fictional prime minister
42:57was blackmailed into having sex with a pig.
43:00And lots of things in that show
43:02played out much the same as they were now.
43:04There were people in newsrooms
43:05bemoaning the fact they couldn't run the story.
43:07If we mentioned bestiality pre-watershed,
43:09Ofcom would be seriously pissed off.
43:11F*** Ofcom.
43:12There were people making wisecracks on Twitter,
43:14even using some of the same hashtags.
43:16The vindictive stunt impacted cruelly
43:18on the people at the centre.
43:19Nothing is going to happen.
43:20It's already happening in their heads.
43:22And the whole thing played out as a kind of national sport,
43:25bringing the nation to a standstill.
43:26At the end of Black Mirror,
43:27the PM's reputation survives intact.
43:30And a few months on,
43:30David Cameron doesn't seem to have suffered
43:32too much from his piggy scrape.
43:34Although the mental image is still too powerful
43:36and amusing for some of his opponents to drop.
43:38The irony is the collective thunder chuckle
43:40overshadowed somewhat more pointed allegations in the book,
43:43which the Prime Minister also denied.
43:45I think it's important that this allegation,
43:47that he knew more about Lord Ashcroft's non-dom status
43:50than he had previously said he did,
43:51that that's not lost in the more lurid
43:54and humorous allegations
43:55that many people are talking about.
43:56Good point, Nicola.
43:57Let's hope no one lets that happen.
43:59The Prime Minister's attitude to Scotland
44:02betrays the worst characteristics of his government.
44:06Arrogant, patrician, out of touch, pig-headed,
44:11some might say.
44:13He f***ed a pig.
44:16He f***ed a pig.
44:17Or he didn't.
44:18Or he did.
44:19Or he didn't.
44:20Or he did.
44:21Or he didn't.
44:22Or he did.
44:23Usually people from Europe
44:24go off somewhere hot on holiday.
44:26But this year,
44:27loads of people from somewhere hot
44:28tried to come over here.
44:29You've got a swarm of people
44:31coming across the Mediterranean,
44:32seeking a better life.
44:34Normally, I think, fair enough.
44:35But when I read the papers,
44:37you could tell from the language they used
44:38that these weren't quite normal people.
44:41I mean, they look normal on the telly,
44:42but when you read about them,
44:44you realise they must have had insect DNA or something,
44:47because it sounded like
44:48there were sort of infestations swarming in.
44:50They couldn't have been real humans
44:52because people were writing things about them
44:54that would be utterly unforgivable if they were.
44:56The people said there were migrants
44:58coming here in droves,
44:59which is interesting
45:00because I've never heard of a country called Migratia,
45:02and I don't know what a drove is.
45:04The migrants couldn't hack it back home
45:06just because they're caught in a crossfire
45:07between a bloodthirsty extremist death cult
45:10and a desperate amoral military regime,
45:13both of which will stop at nothing
45:14to kill anyone in their way.
45:16But we've all got problems.
45:17I mean, I don't always like where I live,
45:19but you don't hear me moaning about it
45:21and hopping on a drove.
45:22The coverage made it crystal clear
45:24they were headed for Europe
45:25because they wanted a better way of life
45:27with benefits and a health service
45:29and houses that weren't all on fire or made of rubble.
45:33While they were waiting for the free house and money,
45:35the migrant swarms would build a sort of nest called a camp.
45:42The BBC did a special songs of praise
45:44from one of the nests,
45:46and the papers weren't happy,
45:48and nor was I.
45:49Songs of praise is meant to be a music show,
45:51so why is it suddenly getting all preachy about things?
45:54Anyway, just as I was really getting into hating the migrants,
45:57there was a massive twist that I hadn't seen coming.
46:01When the police arrived here this morning,
46:03they found several drowning victims,
46:05among them a toddler, a child of perhaps two years of age.
46:09This boat sank and there was a photo of a little boy
46:12lying dead on the beach,
46:13and he looked just like a real human,
46:15because he was.
46:16And then I thought, wait a minute,
46:18what if they're all real humans?
46:21And then I thought, oh, my God, that'd be awful.
46:24I mean, if that was true,
46:26this whole thing would be an unprecedented crisis.
46:30And to their credit, after that photo,
46:32the papers did some investigating
46:34and found out the migrants were real people,
46:36so their coverage totally changed.
46:38They realised they'd got it wrong,
46:39so they started shouting at David Cameron
46:42to do something about it, to give them a home.
46:44Today I can announce that we will do more,
46:47providing resettlement for thousands more Syrian refugees.
46:51I feel sorry for him,
46:52because he'd only just found out they were humans too, you know?
46:55Everyone was caught in the op-air.
46:56The news had all this footage of them
46:58all desperately squeezing onto trains
47:00and marching on foot in huge snaking columns,
47:04but now it looked sort of different,
47:06less swarmy and threatening
47:08and more harrowing and urgent and sad.
47:11And the clever thing was,
47:12it was the same sort of pictures you'd seen earlier,
47:15but now you knew the twist about them being humans.
47:18It seemed totally different.
47:20It was like the white and gold dress.
47:22Once it's flipped to blue and black in your head, that's it.
47:25You can't see it any other way forever.
47:28Well, until Paris happened.
47:30Then they went back to being a swarm of bastards and criminals again.
47:342015 was, of course, the year fictional construct Marty McFly
47:37arrived in futuristic Hill Valley
47:39in the light-hearted blockbuster Back to the Future 2.
47:42So naturally, people were keen to compare
47:44how the movie's vision of today had fared with the reality.
47:47And the truth is, our present-day reality is even more sophisticated.
47:50I mean, in the made-up 2015,
47:52people used hoverboards to zip around on,
47:54whereas today, arseholes have actually evolved wheels.
47:57In Back to the Future, they had robots in service stations,
48:00whereas today, we've already got robots in our homes,
48:03such as Pepper, the social companionship robot
48:06who went on sale this year in Japan,
48:08promoted by this eerie, haunting video.
48:25Surely, no-one could really bear sharing their home
48:27with an emotionally void, blank-faced robot
48:30that's chained to an iPad all day long.
48:32At least, that's what my wife keeps telling me via text.
48:38But even that wasn't the creepiest technology story of the year.
48:54Yes, this hideous commercial was advertising online cheat mode enabler Ashley Madison,
49:10which promised secret affairs for wannabe shagabouts.
49:13The site did look really safe,
49:14as though you could trust it with your most sensitive secrets.
49:17I mean, it had a photo of a woman going,
49:19shh, on the front, and a graphic of a padlock,
49:22so it was hard to see what could possibly go wrong.
49:24Computer hackers have stolen millions of items of customer data
49:27from an online adultery website called Ashley Madison.
49:31The hackers put the names of everyone who'd been on there on the dark web,
49:34which is the sort of internet you look at with the lights off.
49:36Anyway, now no-one knows where the next privacy breach is going to come from,
49:39but we know it's coming.
49:41They can hack anything now, phones, laptops, tablets, webcams.
49:44I heard they can even hack into mirrors, like bathroom mirrors,
49:47so everyone in Russia can watch you going for a shit.
49:50If you've got a mirror in front of your toilet, like I have,
49:53for personal reasons.
49:56It's almost hard to remember that a few years ago,
49:58the world was terrified of Al-Qaeda.
50:00ISIS make Al-Qaeda look like crowded house.
50:03ISIS began as something many in the West psychologically portioned off
50:06as happening somewhere over there.
50:08Atrocities in awful Adesh.
50:11But throughout the year, the threat has crept closer and closer to home.
50:14Tourists slain on their sun loungers,
50:16aeroplanes blown from the sky.
50:18It seemed nowhere was safe.
50:21A major breaking story in Paris tonight,
50:23reports of explosions and shootings.
50:25It's a shocking and confusing picture.
50:29129 people were murdered in Paris
50:31and hundreds more injured by seven Islamic State terrorists.
50:35As horrifying news coverage played out across screens of every size
50:38and shape, a mood of fear and paranoia took hold.
50:41Now, this place here is...
50:42There's shit happening.
50:44There's something going on here. People are running.
50:46People are dying, people are dying.
50:47OK, people are running away.
50:49There was a palpable sense of events spiralling out of control.
50:53Anyway, everyone agrees this is all far too scary to ignore.
50:56The question is what to do about it.
50:57And some think that means confronting the issue at its source, Syria.
51:01But how do you solve a problem like Syria?
51:03Syria's a hellish tangle involving a brutal regime,
51:06rival rebel factions, extremists and vested international interests.
51:10It's a civil war, a proxy war, an ideological conflict
51:13and a monumental humanitarian disaster all at the same time.
51:16Little wonder some want to treat the problem like a malfunctioning old TV.
51:20Give it a bang and hope it sorts itself out.
51:23Sure enough, the government was soon fielding a vote
51:25on whether we should bomb Syria or not.
51:27David Cameron informed an anxious nation that this was the right thing to do.
51:31So it's in the national interest, it's the right thing to do.
51:33But then he says everything he wants to do is the right thing to do.
51:36It hasn't been easy, I know, for many people in Britain,
51:39but it's, I think, been the right thing to do.
51:41I think that's the right thing to do.
51:43The right thing to do.
51:44I think this is the right thing to do.
51:45It's the right thing to do.
51:46This is the right thing to do.
51:47It was the right thing to do.
51:48I will do the right thing for the country.
51:50I did last time, I would again.
51:52It was the right thing to do.
51:54Labour leader and cycling proficiency badge holder Jeremy Corbyn
51:57was in a tricky spot.
51:59As a pacifist, he hates war,
52:00but he couldn't vote against it without causing one in his own party.
52:04In the event, MPs voted to bomb Syria and suddenly we were at war,
52:07which we already were up the road in Iraq.
52:09Basically, they voted for more war.
52:12These are the planes the RAF have been flying in attacks over Iraq
52:16and are ready for use in Syria.
52:17As the news channels turned into excited commercials
52:20for all the missiles and military hardware we'd soon be using,
52:23Labour careered into a civil war with itself.
52:26Well, here the recriminations in the Labour Party
52:28from last night's Syria vote
52:29are still ricocheting around Westminster and beyond.
52:32As you can see from the coverage, the infighting has become so bitter,
52:36even Assad looks at the Labour Party and goes,
52:38don't fancy getting involved in that.
52:41Bombing is one response to terror, scapegoating is another.
52:44For years, many have treated the entire Muslim faith
52:46as synonymous with extremist atrocities carried out in its name.
52:50There are constant calls for Muslims to denounce terror,
52:52which they do daily,
52:54but the media finds that a bit too boring to publicise.
52:56I guess if they were denouncing it while firing an AK-47 into the sky,
53:00the news might pay attention.
53:02Atrocities like Paris fuel anti-Muslim sentiment still further.
53:05Of course, terrorists don't represent all Muslims
53:07any more than Greg Wallace represents all mammals.
53:10This shit is everyone's problem and most people instinctively know that.
53:14They even shout it at terrorist suspects.
53:16You ain't no Muslim, bruv.
53:17You ain't no Muslim, bruv.
53:19Said it all much better than I ever could and thank you
53:22because that will be applauded around the country.
53:24Wow, he thinks something somebody else did was the right thing to do.
53:26Of course, in the current fevered atmosphere,
53:28there's no shortage of people expressing an opposite sentiment.
53:31The plan, number one, get a gun.
53:35Oh God, not you again. Sorry about this.
53:37I was hoping to keep things festive for the last few minutes of the show,
53:40but this is what happened.
53:42Buy one legally, learn how to shoot it and be primed to use it.
53:47Do you need to buy guns in America? They're probably just lying around.
53:50Donald Trump is running for president of America
53:53and the President of America contest.
53:55Americans like Trump because he's got loads of money,
53:58which is sort of their version of being clever.
54:00I mean, he's built all these giant buildings and written his name on them
54:04so no one else can steal them.
54:05He's all over the news.
54:07Like, the news can't stop filling their screens with him,
54:09even though he looks sort of weird.
54:11I mean, he looks like a sort of guinea pig
54:13staring at you through the portal on a washing machine.
54:16There's this amazing stuff on his head.
54:18It's not hair. It's like a sort of furry gas.
54:22It's like he was born with a squirrel's tail
54:24and he's brushed it over his head to pass among humans.
54:27As well as looking like a sort of biological car crash,
54:30he's got this gimmick.
54:32He says horrible things about people, totally slags them off.
54:36I never attacked him on his look, and believe me,
54:39there's plenty of subject matter right there that I can tell you.
54:42He slagged off John McClane, who was a Vietnam war hero.
54:46He's a war hero because he was captured.
54:48I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.
54:51He slagged off loads of women.
54:53You've called women you don't like fat pigs, dogs,
54:57slobs and disgusting animals.
55:00Your Twitter account...
55:01Only Rosie O'Donnell.
55:03He said horrible things about Mexicans.
55:05They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime,
55:08they're rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.
55:12He took the piss out of a reporter with a disability.
55:15You got to see this guy.
55:16Oh, I don't know what I said. Oh, I don't remember.
55:19It's like if Frankie Boyle decided to use his powers for evil.
55:23One of his enemies is all Mexicans, or he wants to build a wall around.
55:27He says Mexico's the new China, which it isn't.
55:29Tupperware is the new China.
55:31He hasn't thought that through.
55:33Then there was this mass shooting in California like there is every day in America.
55:37But this wasn't one of the normal mass shootings that a maniac does for no reason.
55:41This one was carried out by two maniacs for some ideological reason.
55:46I mean, it must be scary to think the terrorists
55:48have got so good at infiltrating America,
55:51it's almost impossible to tell them apart from your normal unhinged maniacs.
55:56I mean, you could be calmly minding your own business
55:58in the middle of an everyday mass shooting
56:00and suddenly realise it's a terror attack.
56:03Anyway, then Donald Trump said he had banned all Muslims from entering the country.
56:07And suddenly, even though he'd been saying all these Hitler-y things for a while,
56:11that was just too Hitler-y for everyone.
56:13Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown
56:17of Muslims entering the United States
56:20until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on.
56:27Basically, everyone said he was horrible.
56:29They started calling him a fascist
56:31and that he was starting to look and sound like a racist dictator.
56:34Like, even Dick Cheney went on the news and said it was wrong.
56:38And he's the bloke who invented filling Muslims with water
56:40till they say they're terrorists just to make it stop.
56:42Trump up the jet! Trump up the jet!
56:45They've dropped the jet!
56:46Super Trump!
56:47A lot of pundits predicted that support for him would fizzle out after the summer.
56:52That doesn't seem to be happening.
56:54That doesn't seem to be happening.
56:56It's exciting watching footage of his rallies,
56:58thinking, oh, this'll be in a documentary in about 20 years' time
57:02with ominous music on it.
57:04And here's me watching it live.
57:06He says all these things that aren't true.
57:08And loads of his followers don't trust the media,
57:10so they believe whatever he says.
57:12So he can basically create his own mental reality
57:15and have thousands of people blindly agree with him.
57:18Actually, saying it out loud makes him sound sort of terrifying.
57:21But luckily, he's also got silly hair you can laugh at.
57:24I mean, there's no way Hitler would have risen to power
57:25if he had some weird physical thing that made him look silly,
57:28you know, like a stupid air car or a little stuff.
57:32Oh, fucking hell.
57:33The controversy and news on terrorism over the past month
57:37seems to have given Trump a boost.
57:39Back in late October, there were signs he had started to fade.
57:43Since then, he's jumped 13 points in that same poll.
57:47Oh, God, you know what?
57:48This is making me think there's no hope.
57:49I mean, look, you've got this kind of lunacy.
57:52Get a gun.
57:53You've got maniacs slaughtering anyone in sight.
57:56You've got fascistic demagogues capitalising on the whole thing.
57:59No wonder that bloke's hiding out on the moon
58:01in that poxy, stupid John Lewis advert.
58:04Looks like the safest place to be right now,
58:06because down here, down here, it's all anger and fear
58:08and carnage and despair, and I just, I just wish,
58:11I wish there was something to take my mind off it.
58:13Just anywhere.
58:14Oh, oh, look, look, it's Dave Zeppin's truck.
58:18It's Dave Zeppin's truck, everyone!
58:21LAUGHTER
58:31Oh, well, that's all we've got time for.
58:34I'll see you at some point next year.
58:36Till then, go away.
58:43Russell Howard has met his dream girl.
58:46Now the nightmare begins as she meets the family.
58:49Stand by for a girt-lush Christmas, next on BBC Two.