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00:00Ryan, where's your kit?
00:12I left it at home, sir.
00:15He's left it at home.
00:16Well, you're not getting out of P.E. that easily.
00:19You can be a cone.
00:20Right, you lots.
00:21Ryan, it's a cone.
00:23Okay, gentlemen.
00:30Dribble!
00:34Can I help you, Biggs?
00:40I'm Ryan's mum, got his kit.
00:41Well, Ryan, what do you do with that cone on your head?
00:46Go on, get changed.
00:47it's been a while Trevor. since what? since we um you know. oh right. did we? don't remember dear.
01:04pub car park, seven bells. how long ago was this thing? must be 13 years now. is it really 13 years?
01:12both. it's good signs. time. good to see you Trevor. what no I'm Joe. Lion's mum. 13 years.
01:2913 years.
01:41oh I'd love to but I haven't received the proper training. come on pal there's thousands of beggars.
02:01every time I pick one up another one falls. that's the nature of Leeds. but on behalf of the entire
02:06teaching staff I wish you all the best with them. Sarah. I get the same with all the mums. I'm not lying. I mean I'm
02:21trying to speak to these grown men about their child's French homework. are they just staring at my chest?
02:25sorry what were you saying? Sarah can I have a word? anything you need to say to Sarah you can say
02:38in front of me. chest. what? I didn't accidentally just say chest. why would I? Keith can you stop staring at my chest?
02:44chest. chest. no sorry what? why did I come over here again? oh yeah I need to talk to you alone.
02:56okay. I think I should come too. Keith he wants to speak to me alone and I think that's for the chest.
03:03chest. breast. best. that is your fault.
03:13okay? yeah. better? better. all right? mm-hmm. so why don't you start telling me what's wrong?
03:33oh yeah right um. Sarah I just found. oh just wait for that to stop. goes on quite long doesn't it? yes I did know that. he goes to this school. doesn't even know I exist.
03:52well if he goes to this school he probably does know you exist. oh yeah
03:57that's true. yeah actually I just took it the police. oh this is better than an episode of Waterloo Road. I don't know what to do.
04:06Trevor can I just say I'm really happy that you've come to me with this because
04:10I'm actually a really good listener. and I think that you becoming a father is
04:17the best thing that could ever happen to you. you think I'll make a good dad?
04:30so what else have you been up to?
04:34these biscuits are on the turn. right oh god it's vile in here. so everyone parents evening on Thursday. we're all very much looking forward to a head mistress. personally I'd rather shit in my hands and clap. now a few do's and don'ts.
05:00mr. Gunn try not to get into any scuffles with the parents. I won't be rude about anyone's kids.
05:05because I realize now that children are the greatest gift you could ever have.
05:11have you dropped an E? I just realized that life's beautiful and we need to let
05:16love into our hearts. he's found God. even worse. mrs. Clare present. the parents
05:23don't want to know about your partner's irritable bowel syndrome. it's actually
05:27got a lot worse. this morning I had to give three during manual evacuation. too
05:31much information. miss Poston. sorry what did you say? nothing. no no no you said
05:41something. so share it with the group. well I said I am beginning to think you
05:48are forgetting my name on purpose. would I do that? miss Poston. you should know dear
05:54that last parents evening I received numerous complaints about your choice of
06:01attire. excuse me? many mothers said you were doled up like a Parisian prostitute.
06:06well I'm sorry I'm no I am not having that. it is every woman's right to dress
06:12as she chooses and if all the dads keep ogling my chest that really isn't my
06:15fault. well they will look if you flop them out on the table. I'm not gonna be
06:20there. what? it's wrong. the whole concept of parents evening is wrong. we work so
06:24hard to get the trust of these kids and then what are we going to do? we grass
06:27them up to their folks now. I won't be a part of it. also it's the same night as
06:33bake-off. oh what? bake-off?
06:45well let's put it to a vote. hands up if you think we should cancel parents
06:49evening. fortunately mr. Martin this school is not a democracy. it is a
06:57dictatorship. so you will all be there without fail. so the parents will arrive
07:07at 7. parents evening is it? yes. oh great. I can't wait. all of us making a night of it.
07:14popping down the pub for a couple of pints and a good chin rag later. mr.
07:17Barber your presence will not be required. oh yes sir. of course sir. I just do the
07:28manual work.
07:34hey I could still set up a little caretaker stall. give the mums and dads
07:39advice on how best to get shoes out of trees if you like. me no like. yes.
07:46just get on with the bins.
07:56got bin juice all over the shop. come on Gareth. get you back to your shed.
08:07could you give me a hand with some leaves? could you? of course I will Chuck.
08:13well it would have been kinder to have had him put down.
08:19I don't know what to do sir. of course you do.
08:47football's in your genes. all you got to do is pick a spot. don't change your mind.
08:55imagine it's a world cup final yeah. the whole country is behind you. they're all
09:02chanting your name. it's Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. of course I'd be proud.
09:11to be or not to be. that is the question. whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against disgust.
09:41moment of the play. most famous speech in the history of theatre. Prince Hamlet is
09:48contemplating whether to live or die. and begin. to be or not to be. that is the
09:57question. whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the springs and arrows of
10:02outrageous fortune or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing end them. finished.
10:33on a coach trip maybe.
10:45Mr. Carver. what are you doing? what? what are you doing?
10:55what are you doing? it's a pre-optive strike. what?
10:59throw the leaves off the tree before they fall. we can put their own game.
11:02perhaps we should concentrate on the leaves on the ground. where do you think they come from?
11:12goodbye Mr. Carver.
11:30how are you finding fatherhood? what? fatherhood. that's the best thing I ever did. spreading the
11:44gunseed. I'm actually eating. I just hope I can pass on my knowledge to him. it shouldn't take
11:51too long. it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't have kids. not really because I have two
11:56cats. Jules and Jim. so I think I know what it's like to be a mother. it's not really the same though
12:02is it? well you wouldn't know because you don't have cats. can I ask which boy it is? no I can't tell you.
12:09he doesn't know himself yet so I wouldn't be fair on the name. could tell me though. no. well you could
12:16because I wouldn't tell anyone. no. no I understand. is it Kieran? no. is it Tyler? no. is it Abdul? wouldn't be Abdul would it?
12:31is it Ryan? I think that's Ryan. Ryan! give us a noosh. it's Ryan isn't it. yeah. bollocks.
12:51oh I'm fine with the test tubes thank you Jo. oh hello Sarah. oh I'm sorry is this not a good time? I know Jo was just leaving us. would you mind leaving Jo?
13:03thank you Jo. what's the matter? nothing. oh well I'm glad you popped by because I wanted to talk to you about fair trade.
13:26you can't expect me to care about the price of bananas with everything that's going on at the
13:29moment. what is going on? I can't tell you. you can't tell me? it's a secret. so whatever you do
13:38please don't ask me to talk about it because I simply can't. well I thought we could do an
13:45assembly together comparing the prices. I just feel like I'm stuck right in the middle between
13:49a really difficult situation. what situation? I can't say. it's about Trevor. I've said too much already.
13:57did he try and touch you? yes but that's not it. I can't really help unless I know what it is.
14:05you can guess. I mean I won't say anything I'll just nod my head if you're getting warm and I'll shake my head if you're getting cold.
14:11he's got a secret love child at the school. so someone actually let him? yes. it's hard to believe I know but yes.
14:23who is this love child? well that I can't tell you.
14:37homework in first thing tomorrow please.
14:42haven't told anyone have you? no no not really just Cleb, Baron Hubbell and Joe.
14:48did you mention it to the man who popped in to change the ink in the photocopier? other than that?
14:52What's the soul so no one's told Baba
15:22French teachers in the county in the whole of the southeast but I've been
15:42thinking and what would really make me happiest I had a baby it was the baby
15:49you're after I would hope so you're 44 not pure and all the small print but I
15:55know the headlines have we both left it too late
15:59well I haven't you say I have no not at all I mean how old are you 40 around 40
16:08well you have a small window no I've got a big window I'm thinking I'd really
16:15love to have a baby girl or a boy called Emily much I'd raise her in a
16:22rundown old farmhouse in Provence
16:45how you feeling Trevor anxious nervous tense just gonna be so tough you know
16:51coming face to face with Ryan's um dead yes well what's best for Ryan is that
16:59it is still secret yeah I haven't told anyone of you no no no of course not it's gonna be
17:07awkward for you tonight isn't it Trevor well I think it goes all right with Ryan's dad
17:11you've only got yourself to blame well you as well sorry just to say the
17:16photocopy is up and running and good luck with Ryan's dad
17:29I can still hear people chattering about mr. Gunn's love child let us not forget
17:36tonight is an important showcase for the school so let's all work together
17:41and give it a hundred percent I wish I could stay but it's nearly mr. Moose
17:48hello can you please ask them to stop it's actually very hurtful
17:53Kelly needs to work on her pronunciation sorry I'm up here
18:00please stop looking at these service yes very slow they haven't even brought us
18:08a menu if Tom really wants to make it in the music biz he's got to change his
18:12attitude really needs to start bunking off lessons when it comes to a levels I
18:18don't think you should take chemistry or any other subject you can't spell the
18:23name of Alicia should not drop drama drama is a hugely important subject plus
18:29you can get a seat just turning up not that she'd need that
18:36we got a little bizarre Nepal is hotel
18:43did they at least bring us some bread sticks I'm gonna pretty pretty pretty
18:48to my seat I didn't cast Connor in the production because I've always seen
18:56Hamlet as a little Chinese girl
19:00is anyone having a starter or are we all going straight to the main course
19:07so um you must be your lines um dad yeah
19:28so how's he getting on brilliant so proud of him really he's always
19:34struggled in sports no no no no no the kids world-class I mean I'll bet money
19:39on him captain in England one day well it's great you believe in him so much
19:44right he's always talking about mr. Dunn isn't it yeah there is fair but am I
19:50what'd you say about me just that you've been really looking out for him so cheers
19:54for that and thank you for um for all you've done to yeah is there anything
20:07Ryan can do better
20:11perfect okay well we better go and see that
20:17fancy French teacher now I can't let this lie any longer
20:26there's something I've got to tell you what oh Trevor don't do this
20:29I have two pipes it's 18 right inside
20:39I'm Ryan's real
20:44nice to see so many friendly faces again I don't know if you all know but I went
21:01through a very dark patch bit of a breakdown a biggie not able to teach
21:09anymore just deal with leaves leaves these days
21:20let's get you back to your shed what was it you were gonna say hey Oh yeah
21:32I'm Ryan's real
21:40hey teacher what why would anyone think you're Ryan's dad because of you and me
21:48done 13 years ago what we did that night can't make you pregnant yeah you told me
21:58you've been with some Romans before me but seriously this geezers off the scale
22:02hang on he can't be Ryan's real dad he's not Ryan's adopted sorry can I get a bit
22:08of quiet please something very important's happened I've just this
22:13moment heard Jillian's custard tarts were too soggy
22:19thanks for being the best PE teacher in the world
22:24number one yes
22:47state visit come from us Austin great teachers nothing to fear from an
22:54inspection true so I suggest you take the day off sick what do we normally do
22:58what's your car all the way down the chippy I'm not a bad teacher no no no
23:01you're an abominable one who are you calling a mummable
23:04no bingo I didn't hear any numbers well they were all in French she said this is
23:10a disaster if miss deal finds the drugs were finished I would like to make a
23:15donation to Oxford do you think you can corrupt me with money no that's a career
23:21render we don't see