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00:00Yeah, so we're definitely rehearsing tonight, yeah?
00:08Eight o'clock down the hall. Right.
00:11Oh, will the rest of the group be there this time?
00:14Oh, great, man!
00:17Oi, Ringo!
00:19I hope my huffing and puffing ain't interrupting you.
00:22No, no, there's no sweat, man.
00:24Well, it certainly ain't coming from you, you lazy little git.
00:27Oi, come on!
00:28Charlie, look, I've got to go. I'll see you later on, all right?
00:35Rehearsing with a group tonight?
00:37Group? You're a drummer, Ringo, no drums.
00:40Yeah, well, it's 70 days yet, isn't it?
00:42I don't know what you want to waste your time with that bunch of wallies for.
00:45They're not a bunch of wallies.
00:47Anyway, you haven't even heard us play yet.
00:49I don't need to, do I? I know who your lead singer is.
00:52Mental Mickey.
00:54Oi, there's nothing wrong with Mickey Maguire.
00:56Nothing wrong? I only bit a bloke's ear off once, that's all.
01:00Not all of it.
01:05Before you become deeply involved in any musical argument with Mental Mickey,
01:10make sure you're wearing a bulletproof balaclava.
01:16Get this stuff in the van.
01:18What have we bought, anyway?
01:20Oh, no, it's obvious, isn't it?
01:23Sausages.
01:25It's talking dolls, isn't it?
01:27I know that. I mean, what sort of stock is it?
01:30I mean, is it bankrupt, fire damage, water damage, soiled or just plain looking?
01:36It's nothing like that, Rodney. These are near perfect.
01:39Near perfect? Yeah.
01:41Well, what's wrong with them?
01:43Well, if there's nothing wrong with them, Del, why aren't they called perfect?
01:46It's just a bit of legal jargon used by the insurance companies to save on paperwork, that's all.
01:51Don't worry about it.
01:53Oh, well, that's easy for you to say, Del,
01:55but I'm the one who has to go down the Arndale Centre and flog them things.
01:59I mean, look at all the aggro I had last Christmas over them cricket bats, eh?
02:03Each one personally autographed by Viv Richards.
02:06Each one was personally autographed by Viv Richards.
02:12Oh, that wasn't THE Viv Richards.
02:16It was Davey Richards' eldest sister.
02:19Oh, nothing but comebacks on them.
02:22Now, you'll be all right with these things, Rodney.
02:24I mean, look, take a look at them, eh?
02:28Can you see anything wrong with that?
02:31Stop that.
02:33They look all right.
02:35All right.
02:37This is Taiwan's finest, Rodney.
02:40This is quality par excellence, this gear.
02:43Anyway, we'll pick the rest up after dinner. Go on, jump in the van.
02:48Oh!
02:50What's up, Dad?
02:53What?
02:55Oh, I thought you said something.
03:01Oi, I reckon this group of mine could really go places.
03:04The sooner the better, if you ask me.
03:06Are we styling ourselves on Frankie Goes to Hollywood?
03:09Yeah, terrific.
03:11Oh!
03:14You dozy little tronk, Rodney!
03:17You bang on the roof of my van again like that,
03:19it won't be Frankie Goes to Hollywood,
03:21it'll be Rodney Goes to Hospital!
03:23Oh!
03:25Bloody hell, Dale. I said I'm sorry, didn't I?
03:27You will be.
03:29If I get it...
03:32Oh, the bus is coming, Dale.
03:34Chill out.
03:42HE SIGHS
03:45The wind is blowing,
03:47the snow is snowing, and I...
03:50Oi, get your thieving hands off!
03:53I weren't feeling all that well, Dale.
03:55Yeah, I'd feel a bloody sight worse if I catch up my Cavossieri again.
04:00What's all the big hurry, then?
04:02I'll tell you what the big hurry is.
04:04I've just heard a very interesting bit of news down the pub and I...
04:06Oi, you!
04:08Yeah, listen, have you heard of the Shamrock Club over at Deptford?
04:11The Paddy's Moulin Rouge?
04:13That place?
04:15Well...
04:16I read about it in a local paper.
04:18Well, their resident band,
04:20the Dublin Beige Stormers,
04:24they were in a bit of a rut last weekend
04:26and they're all banged up on remand.
04:28So?
04:29So? So, what is it next Sunday, eh?
04:31It's St Patrick's Night, innit, eh?
04:33It's the biggest earner of the year
04:35and the Shamrock Club ain't got a band.
04:37But I have.
04:41You don't mean young Rodney and that bunch of wallies?
04:45They can't do all that Mother McCree stuff.
04:47Listen, you don't know Rodney that well.
04:50He's a very talented little lad.
04:53Yeah, they'll love him.
04:55They'll tear him limb from limb.
04:57No, they won't. Worst they'll get, he's probably a red-nose.
04:59It's nothing to do with me, Dale.
05:01No, that's right.
05:02No, well, I'll keep my opinions to meself.
05:04Yeah, you do that.
05:05Don't seem right, though.
05:06No.
05:07I mean, it's not fair.
05:09Well, scrape Bruno's arse, will you?
05:11Don't go on about it.
05:17Shamrock Club, yeah.
05:18Can I speak to Liam, please?
05:20Yeah, it's Derek Trotter.
05:30Liam, Dale boy.
05:31Hi, guys.
05:33How are you, pal?
05:34Terrific.
05:36Yeah, listen.
05:37I just heard the tragic news about the Stormers.
05:39God, the bloody laws in this country.
05:41They're diabolical, ain't they?
05:43Yeah.
05:44Well, how are you fixed for a band then on St Paddy's Night?
05:48Well, this is it.
05:49I mean, where do you find a good band these days?
05:55Well, yeah, I know.
05:56There's a lot of cowboys about.
05:58Sorry?
05:59What's what noise?
06:00Oh, that.
06:01Well, that's what I was phoning you about, you see.
06:03I'm down here at the community hall
06:05and there's a group of youngsters on the stage rehearsing.
06:08Yeah, that's them in the background now.
06:11Do what?
06:12Just a minute.
06:13Oi, keep it down, will you, lads?
06:15I'm on the blower.
06:17Hold on, Liam.
06:18I'll just go and close the door, all right, mate?
06:20Hold that, mate.
06:33There we are.
06:34Now we can hear ourselves speak.
06:36Do what?
06:37Yeah, no, that is funny.
06:38They do sound a lot like The Bachelors.
06:40Yeah.
06:41In fact, that's who they model themselves after.
06:44Yeah, well, of course, there is some good news
06:46and there's some bad news here, Liam.
06:48The good news is that they are expensive.
06:50It's 300 sovs, I'm afraid.
06:52But the good news is they are free on St Paddy's Night.
06:56Yeah.
06:57All right.
06:59He wants to think about it.
07:00That shouldn't take long, should it?
07:03No, no, no.
07:04Go on, Liam.
07:05You carry on, my old son.
07:06You carry on.
07:07Take all the time in the world.
07:08I've got plenty of time.
07:15Oi, close that door, will you?
07:19Yeah, well, you won't go far wrong with these boys, Liam.
07:22No, no, you know it makes sense.
07:24Yeah, listen, there is one thing.
07:26They, not me, they, you understand,
07:28they insist on cash in advance.
07:30Yeah.
07:32All right, I'll tell you what, my old son,
07:34I'll pop down in about an hour.
07:35All right, pal?
07:36Triff, ta-ra.
07:42My darling
07:46My darling
07:53The family used to tell stories about you and your business activities.
07:57I never believed them up until now.
07:59Get in, get out, don't look back.
08:01That's my motto.
08:04I can't wait to tell young Rodney the good news.
08:06Ian, listen, you keep quiet.
08:08This is going to be a, well, it's a surprise, all right?
08:11It's got nothing to do with me, Del.
08:12I just hope I don't let it slip out.
08:16No, that would be very unfortunate, wouldn't it, eh?
08:20I tell you what, would you like a nice large brownie in there, Uncle Albert?
08:25That's nice of you, son.
08:26Yeah, thank you.
08:27That's all right.
08:30Might as well leave the bottle down here.
08:32Save me having to keep on getting up.
08:42Have a nice evening.
08:45You blackmailing old bark.
09:01Come on, Rodney, give us some cymbals.
09:04Cymbals?
09:15Ian.
09:18Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
09:21What's he doing here?
09:26Just came down to listen to you lads.
09:28Don't mind him.
09:29You just come down here on a wind-up, didn't you?
09:31Au contraire, Rodney, au contraire.
09:34In fact, I'm very impressed.
09:36He sounds in very good voice, this young mental Mickey.
09:39I don't like people calling me that.
09:41I'm so sorry.
09:42I better put my hands over my earlobes, hadn't I?
09:44Why don't you piss off down the coach, right?
09:46Oi, oi, watch it.
09:48This is our community hall.
09:50Anyone's entitled to walk in here.
09:54Come on, Ian, let's hear you.
09:56Yeah, come on.
09:57He's not going to put us off.
09:58Yeah, right.
10:00One, two, three.
10:01Oi, oi, Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.
10:02I'll do the one, two, three, fours.
10:04Yeah, sure.
10:08One, two, three, four.
10:11Hold on, hold on, hold on.
10:13Where did you learn to count?
10:17I ain't never been to Rankton.
10:18Who started them rumours about me being in Rankton?
10:20Right, Mick, take it easy.
10:21Well, I ain't never been to Rankton.
10:24I've been to Broadmoor once or twice, but that's...
10:30Come here.
10:32Right.
10:34One, two, three.
10:35I told you once, Rodney, I'm not going to tell you again, son.
10:37I do the one, two, three, fours.
10:41Right.
10:45One, two, three, fours.
10:59Hold up, hold up.
11:00What is it now?
11:01Hold up.
11:03Well, I'm very surprised.
11:06I came down here expecting you bunch of wallies
11:08to sound like a cat being doctored without anaesthetic.
11:13You're good.
11:17What?
11:18You're very good.
11:20All right, you're not quite up to the standard of Spanner Ballet or Durham The Rum.
11:26There's something about your music that I like.
11:29It's...
11:30Well, it's got something.
11:33I only hope it ain't catching.
11:36If this is all some build-up to some very funny joke,
11:39would you just tell us all now and stop wasting everybody's time?
11:42It's not a joke, Rodney.
11:44No, not a joke. I mean it. I'm very impressed. Very.
11:47Bravo.
11:49Bravo.
11:52Of course, you do realise that you're all going to flop like a jelly on a wet mattress, don't you?
11:56Oh, yeah? Why are we going to flop?
11:58Because you're undisciplined.
12:00You ain't going to go nowhere until we get your act together.
12:04Yeah?
12:05Well, my mate's cousin works for a record company and he's waiting to see if he can get us a contract.
12:08Oh, yeah? And my mate's a doorman down at Chelsea.
12:12But he can't get me a bloody game, can he?
12:16Now, you're still rough around the edges.
12:18I mean, why don't you take a butcher's at yourselves?
12:20You look like something a cat has dragged in and then dragged out again.
12:25Shut it.
12:26We like looking like this.
12:28We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
12:31Yeah.
12:34Why do you want to be superstars, then?
12:36Because we want to be rich, Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
12:41You're not too rich.
12:43No. Just a little bit rich. Money ain't everything.
12:47No, but it certainly takes the sting out of being poor, though, doesn't it?
12:51Now, it strikes me that what you need, you need someone to steer you in the right direction.
12:56You know, look after your interests.
12:58Well, what you need is a manager.
13:01Now, hold on, hold on. Don't look at me.
13:04No, no, because a bloke who becomes your manager, he's got to buy you all new equipment, hasn't he?
13:08I mean, you've got to get new drums, new guitars and a new set of speakers.
13:13No, that's going to cost an arm and a leg.
13:16I thought you said we was good.
13:18You are good.
13:20You're all natural.
13:22You've got raw talent.
13:25Hey! Watch out!
13:28Hey! Watch out!
13:33You don't want to put your money where your mouth is, though, do you?
13:36Do you think I'm the kind that won't back my instinct?
13:39You know me, Rodney. He who dares wins.
13:43The fact of the matter is, Mickey, the funds are a bit tight at the moment.
13:46You're an awful woolly trotter.
13:48Yeah, we heard it all before, Dale.
13:50All right.
13:52All right, you win. I will be your manager.
13:56I'll get you bookings. You just see if I don't.
13:58What about instruments, though?
14:00I'll get that as well.
14:01Oh, don't listen to him. We'll probably end up with a chuck-a-ways from some Boy Scouts band.
14:06Don't you want all your instruments and equipment will be brand new.
14:10You write down what you want and I'll get it for you.
14:12Because I'm going to make an investment in you lads.
14:15This time next year, we're going to be millionaires.
14:18I can see it now.
14:20The Albert Hall. Carnegie Hall.
14:22The Hollywood Bowl.
14:24The revolutionary new sound of pop protest.
14:29You don't know any of the Bachelor's numbers, do you?
14:33No, all right. Well, no, it doesn't matter. No, not important.
14:36Well, you carry on rehearsing.
14:38Because I'm going to put this show on the road.
14:42Oh, come on, Achillea.
14:44Your manager has spoken.
14:47All right.
14:49One.
14:50Now, don't you ask my manager to say yes.
14:53Two.
14:54Three.
14:55Back.
14:56You're still here.
14:57Stunt with me if you heard it.
14:59A million kids stuntin'.
15:13Get down on your knees.
15:16Come on.
15:17Get in the back.
15:20Get up.
15:23You and Rodney, get that in. Get in.
15:25Come on.
15:26Get down. Get down.
15:28Get down.
15:29Get down.
15:36Here, get over there.
15:38Get down.
15:49What about my little Mickey?
15:58He's happy enough.
16:06Right.
16:07Let's make sure I've got all the details.
16:09Now, the stolen items consist of two guitars,
16:13two speakers,
16:15and a set of drums.
16:19And here's one of your sticks.
16:22It's a bit oily.
16:24Jeez.
16:26Bud, you reckon you'll catch him?
16:29Oh, I shouldn't have too much trouble.
16:31We'll just go round all the clubs
16:33until we find a rock and roll band with a one-armed drummer.
16:37I need you, don't I?
16:39I mean, I really need you.
16:41What's all this other stuff doing here, anyway?
16:44Oh, er, we, um, we collect things.
16:55Funny sort of things to collect, don't they?
16:57Yeah, well, um, everyone's got to have a knobby, haven't they?
17:01Exterminate.
17:04Good afternoon, officer.
17:06Can I be of any assistance?
17:08They've had it all, Dale.
17:09They've had the drums, the guitars, everything.
17:11I locked that door last night, Dale.
17:13I swear to you, I locked it.
17:14Yeah, all right, Rodney, all right.
17:15Never mind. Not to worry, eh? Not to worry.
17:17What do you mean, not to worry?
17:18All our equipment's been nicked.
17:20Well, that's not quite true.
17:22Er, Rodney, would you like to nip outside
17:24and make sure I switch the engine off on the van?
17:26No.
17:29No, well, you see, actually, these items haven't been stolen, officer.
17:33I mean, a van came round early this morning
17:35and took them back to the shop.
17:36You see, I know the owner of the shop,
17:38and he let me have them on what was called a sale-and-return basis.
17:42I see.
17:44Do you enjoy wasting police time, eh?
17:46No, John, I didn't know he had them on sale or return, did I?
17:50It's all right, it's all right. No, no.
17:52It's my fault I didn't tell him.
17:54I didn't tell him. I'm sorry.
17:56About all this other stuff here...
17:58Ah, yeah, excuse me, officer.
17:59When I came round just now, I saw a couple of kids
18:01trying to remove the front wheels on your panda car.
18:03Who, what?
18:05I might be back to see you.
18:06I can't wait.
18:09What do you think you're playing at,
18:10inviting the bloody old Bill round here?
18:13What am I playing at?
18:14You told me you bought that equipment
18:16and all the time you had it on sale or return.
18:18You just set us up, didn't you?
18:20No, listen, Rodney.
18:22Look, we've earned 300 sovs, right?
18:25And we didn't actually pay out for any equipment.
18:27It's brilliant, ain't it, eh?
18:28Brilliant?
18:29Yeah.
18:30We nearly had our heads smashed in.
18:32I didn't want to play the shamrock club.
18:34None of us wanted to play the shamrock club.
18:37But we played it, Bill,
18:38cos you said it was our first step on the road to stardom.
18:42And we believed you.
18:44Then you're bigger plonkers than you look.
18:50You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you?
18:53You didn't believe that you and them wallies
18:55were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall.
18:58The only hall you was destined for was Sod Hall, that's where.
19:04As it happens, you've made 150 quid,
19:06so think yourself lucky.
19:07Anyway, you can still play with the group, can't you?
19:09No, I can't, actually.
19:11Why?
19:12Well, we had a bit of an artistical disagreement, you know.
19:16Look what Mickey tried to do to my ear.
19:19That vicious little git.
19:21Now I'm going to sort him out.
19:22What was the row about?
19:23Well, they accused you of setting us up, didn't they?
19:25They said you'd only done it for a one-off earner
19:27who hadn't had to get rid of the suit she'd had in here since 1975.
19:31In a way, some people's minds work.
19:34What do you mean? They were right.
19:36But I defended you.
19:37I mean, I stood there and I defended you.
19:40And do you know why?
19:43Well, it's cos you're my brother
19:45and I don't like to hear people rubbish in here.
19:47That's why.
19:52Still work, does it?
19:58It was only a pipe dream, Rodney.
20:01At least I had a dream, Doug.
20:03It's more than I've got now, isn't it?
20:05Come on, Rodgers.
20:07I mean, didn't really think that you were going to go nowhere, did you?
20:10I mean, just take a look at them other three.
20:13They'd got about five and a half brain cells between them
20:15and one of them was on the blink, I tell you.
20:19Hmm. That's show business, Lark.
20:22Ha-ha, they're all stoke on Trent, aren't they?
20:28Got to watch your old deaf and dumb in that game, Rodney.
20:36Look, why do you always try and stop me in everything I do?
20:40Oh, me?
20:41Yeah, you're always sticking your oar in and messing things up for me.
20:44Sometimes I get the feeling you're scared.
20:46Me scared? Scared of what?
20:48Scared of me becoming a success.
20:50I reckon you're terrified that one day I might just make it on my own.
20:56It's like a knife in my heart, that, Rodney.
20:59There is nothing that I would like more than to see you become someone.
21:04Have a nice capri gear.
21:07Do that.
21:10I remember what Mum said on her deathbed.
21:14She said to me,
21:16Del, she said,
21:18please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can.
21:22Never, Del.
21:24Never hold him back.
21:30She'd now say a lot on her deathbed.
21:36Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed.
21:41She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm
21:43doing nothing but rabbiting.
21:46You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney.
21:49Hang on.
21:50You remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down a chipper, yeah?
21:55And you claimed that Mum said on her deathbed,
21:59send Rodney for the fish.
22:07Yeah, well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?
22:10Just, look, Rodney, come on.
22:12You tried something and it didn't work, eh?
22:15But, look, never mind, look.
22:17You got 150 beer vouchers.
22:24There, that's it.
22:25That's it, come on now, Rodney.
22:27Come on, cheer up.
22:28Come on, we've got to go down to market this afternoon.
22:31Terrific.
22:34Come on, Rodney, listen.
22:36It ain't all bad news, is it, eh?
22:39On the one hand, you've had your hopes and your dreams dashed.
22:44On the other hand, I've got a vanload of Ookie Maltesers.
22:48Come on, let's go.
22:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:53All right, Monk, I'll come straight with you.
22:55Look, I've had these dogs for about a week and I haven't sold one, right?
22:58So I'll tell you what.
22:59If you'll take a chance, I'll take a loss.
23:01I can't be fairer than that, can I?
23:04Would I lie to you?
23:07All right, I'll see you around, Monk.
23:08Yeah, goodbye.
23:15Shut up.
23:20A new entry on the charts this week at number 26.
23:23Four guys from South London.
23:25This is Boys Will Be Boys from a Bunch Of Wallets.
23:32I don't know, maybe old Trig could knock something out of the council depot.
23:37Oh, shut up.
23:39Noisy.
23:40Don't think.
23:53I don't believe it.
23:58I don't believe it.
24:00It's a...
24:02It's a...
24:05It's a bunch of wallies.
24:06What do they think they're doing? They're on top of the box.
24:16All right?
24:17All right.
24:18You know that old bird that works down the laundromat?
24:20Yeah, yeah.
24:21The one he's after.
24:22Yeah, yeah.
24:23What?
24:25What?
24:26What's wrong?
24:27No, no, it's all right, it's fine.
24:30You want a cigar?
24:31What?
24:32Oh, you don't want that one.
24:35Sorry, go on, you were saying, what was you saying?
24:39I wound her up, right?
24:40I said that Uncle Albert wants to take her to the old folks' bino on Thursday.
24:44Dropped him right in it.
24:45Did you?
24:46I like it.
24:47I like that.
24:53Are you sure everything's all right?
24:55No, no, it's Triffico.
24:56It's Triffico Rogers.
24:57No, it couldn't be better, mate.
24:58No.
24:59Right.
25:00Hey, Chopper the Pops is on.
25:01Yeah, no, no, yeah, but the telly's broke.
25:03It's broke, yeah.
25:04Oh, I'll watch it on a black and white.
25:06No, that one's broken.
25:07Oh, look, it's all broken, that, yeah.
25:09Oh, it's got to be a fuse in the socket.
25:11No, it's funny, I tried all that.
25:13I tried it.
25:14No, it's all, look, it's absolutely broke.
25:16I've got to get the firming in the morning, yeah.
25:18Absolute gnaws, isn't it, eh?
25:20Yeah.
25:22Oh, well, I might as well give Albert the good news, eh?
25:24Yeah, go on, keep going.
25:25Go in, he's in his room.
25:26Go on.
25:27All right.
25:29Uncle Albert!
25:31Hello, son, you all right?
25:33Oh, you go bloody divvy when he finds out.
25:35Oh, God!
25:37I want to act your age a little bit, you interfering little...
25:40Can't you have a word with him, Del?
25:42He's only come in here to annoy me.
25:44I don't want to go on no old folks' bino.
25:47Well, don't go then, don't go.
25:49Listen, I'm off out.
25:51Don't mention it to Rodney.
25:52I doubt if he'd want to go with you anyway.
25:54He's watching Chopper the Pops on the portable.
25:56Hang on, it's my book.
26:00They're in the charts.
26:07So they're in the charts.
26:10Marc de Fabrique.
26:11As they say.
26:13They could go to number one.
26:15They could have a smash hit on their hands.
26:18All right, so you have a smash hit on your hands.
26:21You might not get another one for the rest of your life.
26:25I always said they could make it,
26:27and you convinced me they couldn't.
26:30That's always been your trouble, Rodney.
26:32You're too easily swayed.
26:33And what about me, eh?
26:35What about me?
26:36I was their manager.
26:41I'm going to stick this right up your jacksack.