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Short filmTranscript
00:00This is not chameleon. It's genuine polyester-y.
00:06There you are. Now sit, go and have a look in the mirror.
00:14Handsome, innit, eh?
00:15What do you mean, handsome? Look, it's miles too big for me.
00:18Course it's not. That's the fashion, innit?
00:21Well, how come yours looks like it's made to measure then?
00:24Oh, this one, yeah, it's a bit too small for me. I saved you the best one, Rodney.
00:29Dale, it's horrible.
00:31Well, you could at least wear it for a while. See if you get used to it.
00:36I mean, it is a gift, Rodney. I mean, it is a gift.
00:50Yeah, you're right, Dale. Once you've had it on for a while, it really grows on you, doesn't it?
00:55You like it, then?
00:56Like it? I love it. I think it's really, really smart, you know. Cheers.
01:02I'm glad you like it. That's a score you owe me.
01:05A score? You said it was a gift.
01:08Well, it is a gift at 20 knicker. Off to 180 up Bond Street.
01:12Yeah, but when you...
01:13Alright, don't worry about the money, Rodders. I'll take it out of your wages.
01:20Well, you said you liked it.
01:22Yeah, I know, but...
01:25Yeah. Yeah, cheers, Dale.
01:28That's alright, Rodney. That's what brothers are for.
01:30Now, listen, I want you to pop down and see that Mrs Singh,
01:33because according to the book, she had a dinner service and two Persian rugs off us last month,
01:37and she ain't paid a penny off them since.
01:39Right.
01:40Right. And while you're at it, see if you can get her interested in any of this gear.
01:43Dale, Mrs Singh's a Hindu. Hindus do not go about in peek-a-boo bras and nifty knickers.
01:51What are you, some kind of swami or something?
01:54I don't know what goes on underneath them saris.
01:57Go on. I'll see you later.
02:06Excuse me.
02:07Oh.
02:08Sorry, can you tell me if Mrs Singh's in at all?
02:10Mrs Singh don't live here anymore.
02:12She moved away about three weeks ago. I've taken her flat.
02:15Oh, great.
02:17Did you say where she was moving to?
02:20Sorry, I thought we'd lost her.
02:23Can I do anything for you?
02:26No, no, not really.
02:28It's just that Mrs Singh bought a few items off us and she's supposed to pay for them on the weekly.
02:32I see. What are you, a tally man?
02:34No, no, no, I'm not a tally man.
02:36It's just every so often I manage to get my hands on a few bargains, you know.
02:40Really? What are you selling today?
02:42Women's clothing.
02:43You know, skirts, blouses, under...
02:46Er, lingerie, that sort of thing.
02:48Bring him inside. I might be interested.
02:52Yeah, all right.
02:55Are you coming in or not?
02:57Yeah, OK.
03:16Bloody hell, he's a big bloke.
03:19What's the matter with you?
03:20No, nothing.
03:23Well?
03:25What do you think?
03:27Hmm?
03:28Terrific.
03:30You don't think this split's too revealing, do you?
03:32No, no, that's just right.
03:35Here, I can't quite reach this stick. Can you give us a hand?
03:38No, no, no, I can't.
03:40I can't reach it.
03:43Here, I can't quite reach this stick. Can you give us a hand?
03:49Er, what time does your husband get home?
03:51He doesn't. My husband's away.
03:54Oh.
03:58Oh, and you have got a strong grip.
04:01It's all that free school milk they keep giving us.
04:06So you're on your own, then?
04:07No.
04:08Oh.
04:09Here's my son, Marcus.
04:11Right, what, is he asleep in a bedroom?
04:13No, he's down the snooker hall.
04:16He's 16.
04:19I hope you don't mind me asking,
04:22but have you been ill recently?
04:26Or lost a lot of weight?
04:29Oh, yes.
04:30No, no, it's, you know, it's fashion.
04:33Is it really?
04:35Well, I'm so out of touch,
04:37I seem to spend every hour of the day in this flat.
04:40Right, you don't know many people around this area, then?
04:42No, I only moved here a month ago.
04:44I come from East London, you see.
04:46Must get pretty gutty being in on your own of an evening.
04:49Mm.
04:50Especially for someone who's used to going out and enjoying herself all the time.
04:54Are there any nice places around here?
04:57Nah.
04:59Oh, there's a dinner and dance place over Streatham Way.
05:01That's supposed to be really good.
05:03I was thinking of giving it a try Saturday night.
05:06Oh, I hope you and your girlfriend enjoy yourselves.
05:08Oh, I haven't got a girlfriend.
05:10Well, what I mean to say is I haven't got a regular one.
05:13Oh, hundreds of casuals, I'll bet.
05:15Yeah, all over the place, yeah.
05:18Thing is, they're all busy Saturday night,
05:21so, um, you know, I was wondering whether you'd, um,
05:25you know, if you're not too busy, perhaps you'd like...
05:28I suspect you are, but if you're not,
05:31um, would you like to come with me?
05:33Thank you very much. It's just that...
05:35Oh, no, no, it's OK. You made other arrangements, I understand.
05:37No, I haven't made other arrangements.
05:39You're washing your hair? No.
05:41You're mending your bike? Oh, I did that last Tuesday.
05:44So what is it, then?
05:46Well, how old are you?
05:48Well, I'm not a kid, if that's what you mean.
05:50I'm 23 and a half.
05:52That's what I mean. You're 23 and a half, and I'm...
05:55older than you.
05:57So? Well, doesn't it bother you?
05:59No. Does it bother you?
06:01Well, no. So where's the problem?
06:03There is one.
06:05Thank you very much for the invitation.
06:07I'd love to go out with you. See you Saturday night.
06:09Right, about 8.30. I'll pick you up in a minicab.
06:14Just one thing. You'd better tell me your name.
06:16It's going to get a bit embarrassing
06:18if I keep having to call you Thingy all night.
06:20Sorry, yeah. Rodney.
06:22Irene. No, Rodney.
06:24Oh. Sorry.
06:28Pleased to meet you, Irene.
06:30Oh, yeah.
06:32Well, I'd better get my suit down to clean us in.
06:36Rodney, you sure you don't mind?
06:39People might stare.
06:41Let them stare. That sort of thing don't bother me, Irene.
06:44I went out with a Chinese girl once.
06:52Of course I missed you today.
06:55Yeah, I missed you yesterday and the day before that
06:58and the day before that, yeah.
07:01Come on, you know I'm thinking about you all the time.
07:06Oh, yeah? Really?
07:09Oh.
07:12Oi. Yeah? I mean, yeah?
07:15Can I dip my bread in your egg?
07:19Help yourself. Thanks very much.
07:24Eh? No, no, it's my brother.
07:27Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK. I'll see you soon.
07:30Course I do.
07:33I can't.
07:36There's people here.
07:41Yeah, all right. OK. See you. Bye.
07:45Who was that, Rodney?
07:47Eh? Oh, er, Mickey Pierce.
07:56Mickey Pierce?
08:00Dale, I want your advice. I've got a bit of a problem.
08:02I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
08:05I'd rather die in ignorance.
08:08There's never been anything like that in our family.
08:12You're angry about? Mickey Pierce is on holiday in France, isn't he?
08:15Oh, yeah.
08:17Well, it wasn't him, actually. It was a girl.
08:22Don't you ever do that to me again, Rodney.
08:25I should be up all night with heartburn.
08:27So you got a bird, have you? Oh, well, that explains it.
08:30Explains what?
08:32It explains why you've been lolloping about so much the last week or so.
08:35You're going to pull your socks up, my son. It's beginning to affect business.
08:37How can it affect business?
08:39Well, I'll tell you, shall I? Look.
08:41There's a tart in here called Irene McKay, right?
08:43She's had 17 quid's worth of clothes off you,
08:45and you're letting her pay you back at 25 pence a week, right?
08:49That means you've got to go round there every week for a year.
08:53Yeah, I know.
08:57Uh-oh.
08:59I get it.
09:01Rodney's got a mystery.
09:03Irene's not a mystery.
09:05We've just been seeing a lot of each other,
09:07and, well, we've become quite close.
09:11Promise me you won't laugh.
09:13No, of course I won't.
09:15I think I'm in love.
09:19Oh, do us a favour, Rodney.
09:22Only a month ago, you was in love with that skinny bird from the dry cleaners.
09:26Now along comes another little girl, and you're away again.
09:29Marguerite from the dry cleaners was just an infatuation.
09:32This is the real thing.
09:34And Irene is not a little girl.
09:36She happens to be a woman.
09:38A woman, eh?
09:40He's fallen in love with somebody who's got the vote this time.
09:43How old is she, 20?
09:45No, she's about 30.
09:48What do you mean, about 30?
09:50How old is she exactly?
09:5214.
09:5440!
09:5640?!
09:58You're not being serious, are you?
10:00What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
10:02Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50.
10:07Right, she's even too old for me.
10:09Well, I'd have to think twice.
10:14Shut up, Frankie.
10:16No, he's right, Rodney. He's right.
10:18I mean, when she was drinking frothy coffee with some Ted at the Lyceum,
10:21you were struggling to keep your grape water down.
10:23Oh, no, bruv, this is one problem you're going to have to solve on your own.
10:26That's not a problem.
10:28Something else, is it?
10:30Yeah, her husband.
10:32He's not married at all, is he?
10:34Oh, no, he don't live with her.
10:36He's away.
10:37Where?
10:38Parkhurst.
10:41I don't believe you. I don't believe you!
10:44You're not going queso with the wife of a convict, are you?
10:48Don't half-jump the conclusions, don't you?
10:51I mean, just because he's in Parkhurst don't automatically mean he's a convict.
10:54I mean, he could be a warder or even a governor.
10:58Then is he?
11:00Is he what?
11:01Well, a warder or a governor.
11:03Well, no, he's a convict, but you weren't sure, were you?
11:07What's he in there for, Rodney?
11:09Oh, you know, this and that.
11:11Yeah, come on, like what?
11:13Well, like wounding with intent, GBH and attempted murder.
11:17He's got a little bit of a temper, has he?
11:20Well, this is why Irene's had such an unhappy life with him.
11:23He used to beat her up, Del.
11:25She's moved over this way from the East End to get away from him.
11:28Hang on a minute, hang on a minute. What do you mean, get away from him?
11:30He's on the Isle of Bloody White, Rodney.
11:32Yeah, I know that, but he's being released soon.
11:35That's the problem.
11:36Look, when he comes out, do you think I should go and see him
11:39and tell him about me and Irene, man to man?
11:47Well, let me put it this way.
11:49You know, one day, if you're really fed up with having knees in the middle of your legs...
11:55..you know, you go and see him.
11:57On the other hand, if you've grown quite attached to him, emigrate to Vietnam.
12:01You stupid little plonker, Rodney.
12:04What do you think this is, Jackanory?
12:06This bloke's a killer.
12:08Well, he only got done for attempted murder.
12:11Oh, did he? Well, maybe that was just a bit of practice, eh?
12:15His first big success is going to come with Rodney.
12:18You're just like the rest of modern society, aren't you? Frightened.
12:22Come on, me? Frightened of them nutters out there in the shadows?
12:26Yes. Oh, yeah, they frighten me, Rodney.
12:29Yeah, well, I've got a life to live, right?
12:31And I'm not going to have some mindless little thug like her old man Tommy McKay
12:34telling me what I can do and what I can't do.
12:37It's one battle I'm going to have to win, innit?
12:39All right, all right, go on. You go and do that, then, Popeye.
12:42What are you going to do, carry a couple of tins of spinach around with you?
12:46Listen, you wanted my advice, right? Well, here it is.
12:49Steer clear of Irene McKay.
12:51Otherwise, sleep with one eye open, all right?
12:54Yeah, well, I'll think about it, Dale.
12:56I'll see you both later. I'm going round to Irene's.
12:58Yeah, go on, then. Go on. You go round there. Off you go, on your bike.
13:01I wouldn't bother to put that on,
13:03cos when we come to pay our last respects to you,
13:05you'll be wearing a concrete overcoat.
13:09You'll be hoping to support a flyover on the M26.
13:14What are you going to do, Dale's boy?
13:18Oh, nothing.
13:20I mean, you know what he's like with birds, don't you?
13:23Falls in and out of love more times than Starsky and Hutch.
13:26The way they always give him the elbow after a fortnight.
13:29But in case she don't?
13:31I'm going to put his name down for Booper.
13:38I'm going to put his name down for Booper.
13:58Good morning, my little potpourri.
14:00Good morning.
14:02Give us a tia maria and a pineapple juice.
14:04And give us half a lager for lover boy, will you?
14:07Give him more or less is a lot.
14:10All right, Rogers?
14:12Yeah, done well today.
14:14I knocked out all of them Georgian digital clocks.
14:17Yeah? Yeah.
14:21Leave that there, right. Don't sit on it.
14:25What's the matter with you? Nothing.
14:28Now, come on, don't give us that. What's the matter now?
14:31It's Irene.
14:33Oh, don't tell me.
14:35pass. She's finished with me. Ah, oh well, all's well that ends well, I suppose. What
14:44do you mean all's well that ends well? It hasn't ended well for me, has it? Oh, now
14:47come on, Rodney. Come on, you've had a good time, haven't you? You know, a few drinks,
14:51bit of the old umpty dumpty, and that's finished, hasn't it, eh? You're a pig, aren't you? That
14:58is the pinnacle of your aesthetic appreciation, isn't it? A few drinks and a bit of umpty
15:02dumpty. Yeah. No, I was just trying to put it in perspective, that's all. I mean, you
15:07didn't honestly think that anything was gonna come of it, did you? I loved her, Dil. Ah,
15:15come on, Rodney. Believe me, bruv, it's, you know, it's all for the best in the end. I
15:23mean, I know exactly what would have happened. You know, one day you would have gone down
15:27that Rolo disco and met some blinding 18-year-old sort who would have knocked your eyes out,
15:33and she would have fell head over heels for you, wouldn't she? Well... Yeah. And then
15:39you'd have to go and break the news to Irene. How do you think a 40-year-old woman would
15:45feel knowing that she's lost in love to a younger woman? She wouldn't be just losing
15:51any man. She'd be losing you. I never thought of it like that. That scar would never heal.
16:04No. Oh, poor chick. Exactly. It's qu'il sera sera, as the French say. Anyway, her old man
16:16was released yesterday, so it saved you from all that, didn't it? Yeah, you're right. Look,
16:21I'm sorry if I've been a bit of a pain lately. No, of course you ain't, no. Oh, do leave off.
16:25Look at me, I've been acting like a right wally. Oi, no, I don't want you talking like that,
16:29Rodney. The emotions that you've been experiencing are the things that separate you from... well,
16:34from those morons. It's all right. It just shows that you're a human being in the fullest sense
16:44of the word. It proves you've got a heart, Rodney. And them feelings deserve respect,
16:50dignity. Don't feel ashamed of them. You feel proud of them. Yeah. You see. Cheers,
17:01then. It's all right. I'll get our drinks, eh? Yeah. Right. What's up with him? Oh,
17:09old tart's given him the sack. You know what he's like, don't you? Here you are. If you're
17:17looking for answers, you won't find any in the bottom of the glass. No, I just fancied a drink.
17:20That's all right. That's all right. Just, you know, you just lay off the bottle, all right?
17:25Right, cheers, then, anyway. Cheers. Good luck.
17:29Hello, Rodney. Oh, hello, Marcus. This is Irene's son. This is my brother.
17:34All right, Dale? Yeah. Hello, son.
17:39Smart-looking kid, isn't he, eh? I reckon he can pick up BBC Two on that hair. BBC Two on his hair.
17:55Oh, God. What's the matter with you now, eh? No, nothing. But how did you know Irene's husband
18:00was released yesterday? Eh? Well, you. You must have said. Did I? Yeah. But I didn't know.
18:08You must have said. I mean, how else would I have known? Well, I suppose I must have. Yeah.
18:13Yeah, well, come on, come on. Let's get going. Drink up, eh? See if we can do a bit sight-reading.
18:19Yeah, all right. How did Marcus know your name?
18:25You introduced us, didn't you, eh? No, I just said you was my brother. I didn't say your name.
18:30Oh, well, he must have heard it before somewhere, mustn't he? He's never met you before.
18:35Thought he must have seen my D. Look, I'm wearing a big D, aren't I, eh? It's obvious my name's Dale,
18:39isn't it? That could stand for David, Daniel, Douglas. He's wearing one of your coats.
18:46I know that. We're all wearing them, aren't we, eh? Look, it's a fashion, isn't it, eh?
18:50Come on, come on, let's go. Oi, Marcus, how did you know his name? I met him on Thursday when he
18:57took Mum out for a drink. You took Irene out?
19:09Now, look, Rodney, that's not what you think. I just wanted to talk to her about you.
19:14Me? What did you tell her about me? I didn't tell her anything about you. I was...
19:18I just... I just told her a few home truths, that's all. I just... I just said, you know,
19:24if she thought anything of you, she ought to leave you alone.
19:31Thanks, Dale. Where would I be without you, eh? Happy, maybe.
19:36Come here, Rodney. Now, Rodney, just a minute. Look, I did it for you. I mean,
19:40what do you want to do, end up dead? No, but it's nice to have a choice, isn't it?
19:44One of these days, Dale. Just one of these days. Rodney, cut. Rodney, I did it for you.
19:55That's a thanks I get.
20:12Oh, yes. It was made for you, Ahmed, my son.
20:16It's too big, man. No, no. No, it isn't.
20:19No, that...
20:22Oh, that's beautiful.
20:25Yours isn't too big. Ah, but this is small on me.
20:28Anyway, I reserved the best one for you, Ahmed, my son.
20:31And come on, a 25 knicker. You can't go wrong, can you, eh?
20:35All right, man, I'll take it. That's it. You know it makes sense.
20:38Now, do you want to pay now or do you want it on your...
20:40I'll pay you two pound a week, Dale. All right. I'll see you next week.
20:43All right. You won't catch cold in that.
20:50Oi! Oi! Get out. What's your game?
20:56Take it easy, man. You might hurt yourself.
20:59Oi.
21:00There's someone here who's been dying to meet you.
21:02Oh, yeah? Who's that, then?
21:04Me. Mackay's the name. Tommy Mackay. Ring a bell, does it?
21:12Yeah, I think I've heard of it before.
21:15You bet your life you've heard it before, sunshine.
21:18You've been seen out with my wife, Trotter. Guilty or not guilty?
21:23Oh, no, I was only just having a friendly drink.
21:25But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me very angry.
21:31I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son.
21:35Listen, let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?
21:42Yeah, that's right. Rodney Trotter, that's you, isn't it?
21:47Yeah, yeah, I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah.
21:55Good. Okay, Leloid, give me some here.
21:59Now look what you made me do. That was a brand-new coat, that was.
22:29Hold it!
22:59Rodders, guess what I've done for you, Rodders?
23:23Well, if it's another example of your so-called brotherly love, you just forget it, right?
23:28As far as I'm concerned, Dil, you're no longer my...
23:31What the bloody hell's happened to you?
23:34No, it's all right, it's all right. No, I just, you know, I just walked into a door.
23:40You did all that?
23:41Yeah, well, it was a revolving door.
23:46Listen, listen to this. I had a bit of luck tonight.
23:50I bumped into Tommy McKay. That was lucky, wasn't it, eh?
23:55Did he do that, Dil?
23:56No, no, no, no, no, he didn't do it. No, no, no, no, it's just I, you know,
23:59I had one too many, like, you know, and I fell down the stairs at Monkey Harris's house.
24:03He lives in a bungalow.
24:05Yeah, well, he's moved now, hasn't he, eh? He's moved. Just shut up and listen, will you?
24:09Well, I had a chat with Tommy McKay tonight, you see, and I managed to do what all the
24:14psychiatrists and social workers have failed to do. I've rehabilitated him.
24:20He's seen the error of his ways, you know, he'll give you no more problems.
24:24I've left the path clear for you and Irene.
24:27Me and Irene?
24:28Yeah.
24:28Oh, that's all over, Dil.
24:35What?
24:36Well, we both had a long chat about it and we decided it was never going to work.
24:42Yes, it will. It will work.
24:45You know, I've got a box of black magic in the back of the van. I've only had one out of it.
24:49Go on, go on, whip it round to her now. Go on.
24:52No, it's no good, Dil. I mean, it was just circumstances that threw us together, wasn't it?
24:57She was lonely in a strange part of town and, well, I was just looking for a mother figure,
25:01I suppose. Anyway, you was right, Dil.
25:05No, no, no, no, I wasn't. I wasn't.
25:08I don't mean about me and Irene.
25:10Well, what do you mean then?
25:11Well, this afternoon I went down to roller disco and I met this bird Zoe.
25:16Zoe?
25:1618, she is, with a body that makes Bo Derek look a cert for plastic surgery.
25:24Now, Irene was just infatuation, but this is love.
25:29Oi, here she is now.
25:33All right, babe?
25:34This is Zoe. This is my brother. He fell down some stairs.
25:37Nice to meet you.
25:38Yeah.
25:41We going then?
25:42Yeah, yeah, right. I'll see you later on, Dil, all right?
25:45Oi, you can finish that if you want it.
25:47Yeah. See you, Rodgers. See you, Zoe.
25:50Oi, Dil?
25:51Huh?
25:51I'd have that head looked at if I was you.
25:54It's the truest bloody words you spoke for ages, Rodney.
26:05What happened to you?
26:06Me? No, no, nothing happened to me.
26:09Rodney got a bloody good hiding, though.