SAM - Full Movie
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Alucination, alucination.
00:16Excuse me.
00:17Tea?
00:18Got anything stronger?
00:19Oh, it's strong tea.
00:20It's a special blend.
00:22Good?
00:23Yeah.
00:24A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.
00:28Whenever I want.
00:33You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?
00:43Good for one thing and one thing only.
00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.
00:48I guess he forgot to give me my present.
01:01Oh, my God!
01:08Shit!
01:11Shit!
01:14Hi, can I help you?
01:15Where's Doc?
01:16I'm sorry, who are you here to see?
01:17Doc?
01:18Dr. Andrew Bellamy, OBGYN. It says it right there on the door.
01:22Well, Dr. Bellamy is with a patient right now.
01:24Okay. Well, I need to see him. Now.
01:26Okay, young lady, please calm yourself down.
01:29Yes, please.
01:30Oh, mind your own business, Miss STD!
01:34Okay, you know what?
01:35I will set up an appointment for you with a medical assistant.
01:37Hey!
01:38Don't mess with me, bitch!
01:47Doc?
01:48Look what fucking happened to me, dude!
01:50Look at me!
01:51Miss! Please, I am in the middle of an examination here.
01:54Would you tell Trash Mouth Sally here to wait her turn?
01:58Oh, shut the hell up, lady!
02:00Doc, you got...
02:01Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security.
02:03Angie, that won't be necessary.
02:06Help me with Miss Goldfarb here.
02:07We're going to move you to another room.
02:09You doctor and Angie, what a yacht!
02:11Angie, I won't be long.
02:15Doc, I don't know what happened, man.
02:16I woke up this morning, and I'm a fucking broad!
02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' offices in the building.
02:22Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:24Doc, you got to believe me.
02:26I feel like I'm in this nightmare.
02:28Like, I just keep waiting to wake up!
02:31Dude, it's me!
02:33It's Sam!
02:34Women are demented.
02:35They babble incoherently.
02:37They cry at the drop of a hat.
02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.
02:41Another Sam Wellman expert opinion on women.
02:43Damn straight.
02:44There ain't a female on this planet
02:46that I can't figure out in a minute flat.
02:48It's about time you found yourself a nice woman
02:50and you settled down, huh?
02:52Like you and Cynthia?
02:54Don't go there.
02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris
02:59you haven't banged yet?
03:00I got a hot one tonight, Doc.
03:03Sam.
03:04Sam!
03:05Sam Wellman, your best friend!
03:08Okay, very good.
03:10How much is he paying you?
03:11Ask me something.
03:12Ask me anything.
03:13Oh!
03:14You were nine years old.
03:15You showed it to Lauren Abramski.
03:17She kicked you in the nuts.
03:18You told your mom you fell off the swing.
03:20He told you that?
03:21I was there, dude.
03:22I practically carried you home.
03:23Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?
03:25I am that prick!
03:27Oh!
03:31DNA!
03:32Miss, please put down the scissors.
03:35Doc, DNA.
03:36DNA.
03:37Get a DNA test done.
03:38Great.
03:39Please, the scissors.
03:40Before someone gets hurt.
03:41Now, you have the blood from the paternity suit.
03:43We get a DNA test done.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Okay, sure.
03:47Great.
03:48Now, give me the scissors.
03:49And go home and get some rest.
03:50Huh?
03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it.
03:52You're gonna do it right away.
03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave,
03:54it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.
03:55Yeah?
03:56Okay.
03:57Yeah, sure.
03:58Great.
03:59Okay, but you're gonna do it.
04:00Uh-huh.
04:01Okay.
04:02Just relax.
04:03Okay.
04:04Go home.
04:05Okay.
04:06Get some rest.
04:07All right.
04:08Fucking Sam.
04:09Jesus.
04:12Hey, Lou.
04:13What's up?
04:14Excuse me.
04:15Can I help you?
04:16Uh, I can't right now, Lou.
04:17I got a situation.
04:18Excuse me.
04:19Miss.
04:20Uh.
04:21You're here to see who?
04:22Oh.
04:23Right.
04:24I'm sorry.
04:25I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
04:27I, uh, gave you the keys.
04:30Oh.
04:31Yeah, Sam.
04:32He's a great guy.
04:33Uh-huh.
04:34Yeah, he'd let me stay here just for a little bit.
04:36That's great, miss.
04:38Samantha Wellman.
04:40Lou, but you knew that already.
04:42Yeah.
04:43Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.
04:45Is that right?
04:46Yeah.
04:57Doc.
04:58Huh?
04:59I need that you called.
05:00Yo, yo, yo.
05:01You get those test results back yet?
05:02Heck.
05:03I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady,
05:06but this stopped being funny a long time ago.
05:09Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:11Doc, come on.
05:12Dude, it's me.
05:13It's Sam.
05:14You gotta.
05:15Doc.
05:16Doc.
05:17Hey, baby.
05:18Hey, hey, hey.
05:19How's it going?
05:20Good.
05:21Aw.
05:22Mm.
05:23Mm.
05:24Mm.
05:25Mm.
05:26Mm.
05:27Mm.
05:28Mm.
05:29Mm.
05:30Mm.
05:31Mm.
05:32Mm.
05:33Mm.
05:34Mm.
05:35Mm.
05:36Mm.
05:37Mm.
05:38I am so sick of Sam.
05:43Okay.
05:44Okay.
05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snuggly very quickly,
05:49or Su-Su is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's balls,
05:52and I guarantee you're not gonna like it.
05:54Boo-Boo, what's the matter?
05:57I'm sorry.
05:59I just left something at work.
06:02I have to go to work.
06:03Yeah.
06:05At 1130 at night?
06:12Oh, God.
06:13He must be crazy.
06:24Mm.
06:27Fuck.
06:29Okay, but you'll process that right away.
06:32Rush job.
06:33I'll do my best.
06:34Maybe tomorrow.
06:35No promises.
06:36Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?
06:39Where the hell is he?
06:40We have a very important lunch meeting today.
06:42I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.
06:45Yes, and?
06:46And he hasn't answered,
06:47and he isn't answering his e-mails, either.
06:50Pow!
06:51Pow!
06:52Now you'll slip with the fishes, don't you?
06:57Bitch.
07:02Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.
07:06My cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day.
07:10She's got just as much experience as me
07:12and can cover my accounts just as well as me
07:15until I get back from...
07:20from...
07:22No.
07:23Till I get back.
07:27Huh.
07:28Cousin Samantha, huh?
07:31Well, as long as she's hot.
07:41Morning, morning.
07:47Excuse me, can I help you?
07:49Margaret.
07:52Do I know you?
07:54Right.
07:55Indirectly, I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
07:58Samantha, what a pleasure to meet you.
08:01Sam has just told me some...
08:04Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.
08:07That didn't come out right.
08:08Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
08:10See, Sam and I have a very complex relationship,
08:14but look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.
08:17Look, I hope everything is okay with your family.
08:19Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.
08:23I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavallo.
08:25Sure, let me show you.
08:26No, it's fine, I know...
08:28Sam.
08:30Right.
08:31Samantha Wellman, Sam's fine, everything's good,
08:33he will be back soon.
08:35Nice to meet you, Ms. Wellman.
08:37Oh, please, Mel.
08:38Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy, cool?
08:41Yeah, up, up, come on.
08:42Go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?
08:46Sure.
08:47You look great in that dress.
08:53Sit.
08:54So, Samantha.
08:58So, Seymour.
09:00Welcome to the family.
09:02Yeah, no.
09:03Why don't we talk about the Lulu account?
09:06Let's not talk about business yet.
09:08We gotta get to know each other, right?
09:09Family.
09:10One of the family.
09:12Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?
09:14Her ass?
09:15Exactly, no, her eyes.
09:19Oh, yeah, okay, what?
09:22You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.
09:25Dinner, tonight.
09:27Oh, you know what?
09:28I can't, I actually, I have plans.
09:30Cancel them.
09:32Yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go, I'm gonna go.
09:34I have to work.
09:35Work, work, work, you know, see you see.
09:38I'm gonna work.
09:43Who are those for, Sam?
09:46No, they're for you, Su Su.
09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry,
09:54and one red rose for I love you.
09:57Oh.
10:02No.
10:04No.
10:05Just let me check really quick.
10:09See who it is.
10:10If that's Sam, and you answer it, we are so over.
10:14Johnny, did you get the results?
10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.
10:18I've never seen such a spot on correlation between male and female DNA.
10:22What?
10:23I've seen identical twins that were never near this close.
10:25How?
10:27Who do these belong to anyway?
10:29Thanks, Johnny.
10:31I owe you one.
10:33So, what was that all about?
10:35If I'm not being too inquisitive.
10:37It's a long story.
10:40Good, so write me a letter.
10:43Okay.
10:45You son of a bitch.
10:58Okay, okay.
11:08Doc.
11:09Doc, did you hear?
11:10Yeah, oh yeah, I heard.
11:12So now you believe me?
11:14I don't know what to believe.
11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?
11:16That's what the man said.
11:17Yes!
11:20Oh.
11:23I don't necessarily believe you.
11:27Okay, you dumb bastard, what more proof do you need?
11:29But I don't necessarily think that you're lying either.
11:32I just, Jesus.
11:36Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.
11:40That's what Sam always said.
11:42Said.
11:43Dude, I'm not dead.
11:44I'm standing right here.
11:45Oh, God, I need a drink, Jesus.
11:54Doc, you're my best friend.
11:58Actually, you're my only friend.
12:01Doc, you gotta believe me.
12:02Man, you gotta help me.
12:03I just, I don't know where to turn.
12:06I wanna, I wanna help you.
12:10Sam.
12:12Sam, that's a good start.
12:13But I don't know how.
12:15Well, God damned if I know.
12:20When did this happen?
12:23So I go into this little shop down in the village
12:25and talk to some funny old dude.
12:27I go home, I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick.
12:30You remember where this place was?
12:32Well, I don't know exactly.
12:34Well, come on.
12:36Come on.
12:39So where's this magical shop?
12:41I'm telling you, this is the street.
12:45Sure.
12:47Um, excuse me.
12:48Hi, excuse me.
12:49I'm sorry, is there, um, like a little bric-a-brac shop on this street?
12:53A what?
12:54You know, like, um, a shop with like a whole bunch of old crap in it.
12:57Like 50 years ago.
12:59You know what the rent is like around here?
13:04You know what the rent is like around here?
13:07Okay, okay, fine.
13:08Maybe it's not this street.
13:10Maybe you're not Sam.
13:12I have patients in the morning and I'm going to go.
13:14No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.
13:15Just, can we meet tomorrow then?
13:18At our spot?
13:19You know what I'm talking about?
13:20I do, but do you?
13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.
13:24Well, deal?
13:28Cool.
13:38She even eats like him.
13:42All right, let's go to your office.
13:43I want you to examine me.
13:46What?
13:47No, no, ew, no way.
13:50Maybe you can find something.
13:52Like my cock.
13:54No.
13:56Why the hell not?
13:58Because it's weird, that's why.
14:00I'm not looking for your cock.
14:03I'll send you a referral or something.
14:05I don't want another gynecologist, I want you.
14:08You're my best friend.
14:09Nice talking to you.
14:17Yo, see.
14:19Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.
14:23I'm sorry, who are you?
14:25Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.
14:28She's just filling in for Sam
14:29while he's off on some little sabbatical.
14:32Family business.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh, nothing serious.
14:36But excuse me, I gotta take a leak, a pee,
14:39I'm gonna use the little girl's room.
14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.
14:47Seymour, that girl needs a makeover.
14:53Yes, miss, what can I get you?
14:55Okay, let's see, a pint and a shot of whiskey, please.
14:59And actually, can you give me the whiskey
15:01while you pull the pint?
15:02Certainly, enjoy.
15:08You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink.
15:12A drink.
15:13Are you serious?
15:14Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?
15:16You don't have to get nasty,
15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.
15:20Maybe two.
15:21Okay, you know what?
15:22Barkeep, here, cancel the pint.
15:26Screw off, man.
15:28You're lost, baby.
15:30♪♪♪
15:36Oh.
15:39Aah!
15:42♪♪♪
15:48Let me just go.
15:49Get rid of whoever it is, all right?
15:54Yah!
15:56Yes, Jesus.
16:00Doc.
16:01Please, no.
16:03I'm bleeding.
16:04Now is not a good time.
16:06I have been hemorrhaging all night.
16:09Down there.
16:11You're menstruating.
16:12What?
16:13You're having your period.
16:15I'm riding the cotton pony!
16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize
16:20that office hours haven't begun?
16:22Doc.
16:23What am I gonna do?
16:24Buy yourself some tampons.
16:25Oh, my God.
16:27Okay, you need to leave right now.
16:29You need to, you need to get out of here.
16:30Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.
16:32Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?
16:34Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature
16:37talk to me like that.
16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe it.
16:40How did this creature talk to me like that?
16:42Fuck you and the whores that you rode in on.
16:44Please, please.
16:45I'll kick you out myself.
16:46Oh, try it.
16:48I do kickboxing.
16:50Chicks only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?
16:55Yeah?
16:56Yeah!
16:57Stop it!
16:58Stop!
17:03Stop!
17:04Help me!
17:05No!
17:07All right!
17:08Enough!
17:09Enough!
17:10She started it!
17:12Sam, I think you better go.
17:15Sam?
17:17Did you just call her Sam?
17:19Samantha, she's, uh, Sam's cousin.
17:22Oh, okay, well, this makes perfect sense.
17:25Shut up!
17:26Why doesn't she go?
17:27Because she is my fiance.
17:30And you are my patient.
17:33Don't ever do this again.
17:36Wait, no, can we just, can we just talk about this?
17:39Later.
17:40Wait, wait, but later, later, or never later?
17:41Just go.
17:43Oh.
17:45Wait.
17:52Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
18:05Oh, and don't forget the pearls.
18:08You're Samantha.
18:10My one-thirty.
18:11Yeah, no, no.
18:14I'm, uh, I'm gonna, I gotta go.
18:17Come here.
18:22Turn around.
18:27My studio tomorrow, 3 p.m., and let's do try to be on time now.
18:30Shall we?
18:32See you, dear.
18:36Uh, yeah, man, listen.
18:38Uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.
18:40I am here to teach you to be a girl.
18:45What?
19:08What?
19:38What?
20:04All right, Mrs. Smith.
20:09I'm sorry.
20:17Doc, please just hear me out.
20:20No.
20:21Doc, please.
20:24You have five minutes.
20:25I paid for an hour.
20:26I'll reimburse you.
20:27Four minutes, 50 seconds.
20:29Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?
20:33Well, I tried calling you.
20:35I've tried emailing you.
20:36It's been two weeks.
20:37I thought you'd get the message.
20:39What message?
20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened and totally screwed everything up.
20:47Do you think I was just gonna forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?
20:51Doc, we're dudes.
20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.
20:57We are not dudes, Sam.
21:00Only one of us is a dude.
21:02That's the problem.
21:05That's always going to be the problem.
21:08Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?
21:11Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak.
21:15Having this face staring back at me every morning.
21:18Okay, relax.
21:19It's not such a bad face.
21:22Maybe you could get used to it.
21:24No, Doc, no.
21:25I'm not gonna get used to this.
21:27I don't want to live this life anymore.
21:29Hey, don't talk like that.
21:33You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so...
21:40I don't know, maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.
21:45You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.
21:49You're serious?
21:51As a heart attack.
21:55What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.
22:02How much more?
22:03We're talking about serious stuff.
22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.
22:07Major, major stuff.
22:10How major are we talking?
22:25You sure you want to do this?
22:29Give it some time, okay?
22:31Okay, take a minute.
22:33How about we just take it over and...
22:40Let's just keep this between the two of us, right?
22:45Mom's the word, pal.
22:50You know, I'm starving.
22:52You want to grab a bite?
22:57I need you to explain something to me.
23:00The doctor is in?
23:02I, uh...
23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.
23:10You skipped your period.
23:12What?
23:13Oh, my God.
23:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:16No, I, um...
23:17You know, I look at girls, nothing.
23:19I look at guys, nothing.
23:21I look at porn, nothing.
23:23So what, am I frigid?
23:25Do I have some kind of mental problems?
23:27I mean, I don't know.
23:29I feel like a fucking female eunuch.
23:33What? What?
23:34A little louder.
23:35I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.
23:37Look.
23:39It's complex.
23:41Complex?
23:43You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.
23:45Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.
23:48Most can't.
23:49Yeah, but that's just plumbing.
23:51It takes them a little longer to warm up.
23:54But with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.
23:56Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.
23:59Their arousal is more subtle.
24:01It's more intricate.
24:04Which, translated from New Age cycle babble, means what?
24:07They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused.
24:11Let's face it.
24:12Women are complicated.
24:14Yeah, you're telling me.
24:19Oh, shoot.
24:21The office.
24:23Meeting got pushed up. I gotta go.
24:28No.
24:30What's wrong?
24:33Can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?
24:38Sure.
24:41Remember to stay out of trouble.
24:43Promise.
24:45You look so nice, Samantha.
24:48Thanks, Margaret.
24:49So do you.
24:51Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.
24:53I punched up the graphics and the proposal.
24:55Added some extras.
24:59Wow.
25:01Nice work, Margaret.
25:08Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.
25:11You look...
25:12Stunning.
25:14I mean, stunning.
25:17Come over here and sit next to Seymour.
25:19I'm fine right over here.
25:22Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our Internet campaign.
25:27Oh, yes.
25:30And before I begin, I would like to just say thank you to Margaret
25:34for all the wonderful work that she did on these reports.
25:39Now, as you can see from this chart,
25:41the models that we used on this season's online campaign
25:45scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44.
25:50And the numbers start to...
25:52An excellent presentation, Sam. May I call you Sam?
25:55I prefer it, actually.
25:57We will be in touch about the details.
25:59I look forward to it.
26:01I think this calls for a little promotion.
26:04We'll go over the specifics in my office.
26:06Cocktails mandatory.
26:08How about we skip the cocktails and settle on a 20% raise?
26:12Huh?
26:13A raise! I think that's a capital idea.
26:16And a bonus, too.
26:18I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?
26:21I suppose we could do a bonus, but...
26:24Seymour, you remember our little understanding, don't you?
26:28Of course.
26:29Meow, baby.
26:35I think a raise this big deserves a hug.
26:40Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
26:44And another thing.
26:46That promotion, it's going to Margaret.
26:49Huh?
26:50She earned it.
26:52Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago,
26:54but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her.
26:57I don't know about that.
27:00I do.
27:01And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years.
27:06You would do that?
27:09Us girls have to stick together.
27:14Samantha.
27:15Hey, Margaret.
27:17You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting and to Mr. Cavallo.
27:21Actually, I did.
27:24I don't know how to thank you.
27:26Just... keep doing what you're doing.
27:30Thanks again.
27:32Of course.
27:39Mm-hmm.
27:41That feels good, Sam.
27:45Sam?
27:53What is it, Susu?
27:55You just called me Sam.
27:58No, I didn't.
28:00Yes, you most certainly did.
28:03What the... what the hell is going on right now?
28:06What the hell is going on right now?
28:08What are you talking about?
28:11Is it that cousin of his?
28:13That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?
28:16She wasn't faking it.
28:18Oh, so now you're defending her?
28:20No, what? I... you're... that's not what I said.
28:23Oh, my God.
28:25Oh, my God, you're gay.
28:29What?
28:30That's it.
28:32I've been a perfect fool.
28:34You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back
28:38all this time.
28:40I thought you were straight.
28:42Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
28:45I'm straight.
28:47Can we just talk this over?
28:49There's nothing to talk about.
28:51Goodbye.
28:56So how bad a fight was it?
28:58I didn't say we had a fight.
29:01You didn't have to.
29:03You got that post-fight look.
29:05Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges.
29:08Sam, I don't want to talk about it.
29:11All right, fine, man. Suit yourself.
29:16Hey, dude.
29:18What about me?
29:20What about you?
29:21Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.
29:24Sam, we don't play tackle football with women.
29:27End of discussion.
29:28Dude, I still got the chops.
29:30Please close.
29:31Sexist pig.
29:32I heard that.
29:33Ready?
29:34Yeah.
29:35All right, guys.
29:37Let's play some football.
29:39Check.
29:40Her name's Samantha.
29:41She's Sam's cousin.
29:43Yeah, Steve.
29:44Sam told me all about you, dude.
29:46Congratulations on the wedding, by the way,
29:48from what Sam tells me you're getting quite a girl.
29:51Okay.
29:53Quite a girl.
29:55Are you kidding about playing?
29:56Yeah, she's kidding.
29:57No, no, she's not kidding.
29:59We're all great football players in my family,
30:01and believe me, guys, I know how to handle a ball.
30:06I'm sure you do.
30:08One play.
30:09No.
30:10Just give me one.
30:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:12Okay.
30:13Okay, let's let him play.
30:14Let's go.
30:15One play.
30:16Come on.
30:17You're on the ropes.
30:18Let's go.
30:19Come on.
30:20Woo!
30:21Woo!
30:22I hope you're fucking with Sam.
30:23See it?
30:24Go.
30:27Oh!
30:28Got it!
30:30You fucking thief!
30:32You get off of me!
30:34Steve, stop grabbing my ass!
30:36Oh!
30:38Fucker!
30:39Wait, what?
30:40Get off!
30:41Steve!
30:43Save it for Georgette.
30:44What?
30:45You better shut this guy up.
30:46I know how much he hates the ass play.
30:48Relax, dude.
30:49Relax.
30:50No, you know what?
30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch
30:52instead of Cynthia anyway.
30:53Don't call her a bitch, Steve.
30:55Oh, she's a bitch.
30:56Okay, so now I'm a bitch.
30:58You're a grade A bitch.
30:59I told you not to call her a bitch.
31:01Oh, sorry.
31:02Little bitch.
31:03Guys, guys.
31:04Fucking ass.
31:05Come on, guys.
31:06Guys!
31:07Relax.
31:08Come on, relax.
31:09Listen.
31:10Come on.
31:11We're all friends.
31:12Shake hands.
31:13Come on.
31:14Uh-huh.
31:15We're friends.
31:20Doc.
31:22Come on, man.
31:23It's okay.
31:24Let it go.
31:25No.
31:26It's okay, all right?
31:28Nothing is okay.
31:31Doc.
31:32You were right.
31:33She left me.
31:35Are you happy now?
31:54Peace offering.
32:03Listen, Doc.
32:06I know that Cynthia and I don't get along,
32:10but if she's what you want, then...
32:13Lately, I don't know what I want.
32:16I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.
32:21Well, at least you have balls.
32:25Oh, God.
32:28You're having a muscle spasm.
32:30No, it's fine.
32:31It's fine.
32:32I'll just take some aspirin.
32:33Who's the doctor here?
32:34Lay down.
32:35Come on.
32:39Turn over.
32:40Okay.
32:41Right there?
32:42Oh, God, yeah.
32:44How does that feel?
32:46Oh, much better.
32:51Mm.
32:55I, uh, have to use the john.
33:10Oh, my God.
33:13She's alive!
33:17You!
33:24Yes, me.
33:26I think it's time that, uh, you know, you and I had a little talk.
33:31Uh, what would you like to talk about?
33:35The fact that you stole my man and I'd like him back.
33:42Decent men in this city are few and far between.
33:47Oh, you forgot rich.
33:51Women like me, okay?
33:53Successful career women.
33:56Women who think about tomorrow.
33:59Women who plan maybe five, ten years ahead in their life.
34:03We sometimes, we have to settle.
34:07Settle?
34:09Did you steal or were you born yesterday?
34:11Actually, about a month ago.
34:13How much?
34:15What?
34:17You heard me.
34:18How much do you want to, uh, let him go?
34:22I'm sorry.
34:24Are you trying to buy me off?
34:28You're obviously the type.
34:30You know, I mean, if it walks like a duck.
34:33How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?
34:40Andrew.
34:44I, I'm, I'm so sorry.
34:50Just please.
34:51Please what?
34:53We are so done.
35:02Okay.
35:04All right, well, when you change your mind and you come begging, don't bother calling, okay?
35:08Because I'm changing my number.
35:09Change your hairstyle while you're at it.
35:13It's really not a good look on her, you know?
35:21Look, doc, I would say that I'm sorry, but you know, I'm, I'm just, I'm just not.
35:30Please.
35:34You just did me the biggest favor of my life.
35:37Yeah?
35:39Were you really going to belt her?
35:42Hell yeah.
35:44Spunky little thing, aren't you?
35:47In a manner of speaking.
35:54Damn.
35:55What?
35:56I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding.
36:00You're still going to that thing?
36:02You saw, we shook.
36:04Well, I would go with you, only...
36:06You are going with me.
36:08Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that.
36:11Tough.
36:13We're a team.
36:15Package deal.
36:16Anybody who doesn't like it can shove it.
36:20I can't zip this thing up.
36:31What do you think?
36:33Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?
36:36I, uh...
36:39Oh, hashtag clue.
36:41A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness.
36:44Its sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women and hormonal overload in the men.
36:49Straight ones, at least.
36:51All the gay ones' eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here.
36:54Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
36:55Oh, I'm not her boyfriend.
36:56They say rather loudly.
36:59So, Doc, what do you think?
37:02Is this the one?
37:04Yeah, it's good.
37:06It's fine.
37:07Write it up, Marie.
37:08Excellent choice.
37:13What?
37:14Oh, nothing.
37:15I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding.
37:20Your what?
37:22The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention.
37:26Okay.
37:28For example, the stocking check.
37:33Oh, my goodness.
37:37Is that a run?
37:39How perfectly awful.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Works like a charm every time.
37:46But you gotta have gams to back it up.
37:50Oh, my God.
37:56Sam, what's going on?
38:09What?
38:10Is everything all right?
38:13You're downstairs.
38:15Yeah.
38:16Yeah, just come on up.
38:17Come on in.
38:23How's it going?
38:25Yeah, good, good.
38:27Yeah, I think probably.
38:31Probably.
38:32What's wrong?
38:33You know what?
38:34I'm sorry.
38:35I'm gonna go.
38:37This can wait.
38:39Oh, hey.
38:40Hold on.
38:41What's wrong?
38:42I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.
38:46What's going on?
38:48Well, it's about the issue.
38:54The issue?
38:55Yeah.
38:57The issue.
38:58Oh, the issue.
39:01You're still having problems with the arousal thing?
39:03Oh, God, no.
39:04No, actually, it's been fine.
39:08How fine?
39:09Like, you know, once a day?
39:12More.
39:15Two, three times a day?
39:18More than three times?
39:19Yeah.
39:20Per day?
39:21Yeah.
39:22How much more?
39:23Six.
39:27Today?
39:28Tonight.
39:29You know what, Doc?
39:30I'm so sorry.
39:31I'm really embarrassed.
39:32I think, yeah, I'm gonna go.
39:35Whoa, come on.
39:36It's fine.
39:37What's going on?
39:39I don't know.
39:40It's just that, you know, she's, um...
39:44She's being really specific about who she wants.
39:49Like, if I think of this one person,
39:54she gets, like, really, really happy.
39:57And then if I think about anyone else,
39:59she gets, like, really cranky.
40:01So, uh, who's the lucky, uh...
40:10No, no!
40:12Fuck!
40:13Oh, fuck, no!
40:14Yeah, Doc, you know what?
40:15Oh, my God.
40:16I'm so stupid.
40:17I'm so sorry.
40:18You know what?
40:19Just forget that I said anything.
40:20No, no.
40:21You know what?
40:22Just wait.
40:23Hold on.
40:24Um...
40:25Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here
40:27because you come in and then you are honest with me
40:30and what I do is I play 20 questions with you.
40:33And, um, that's not fair
40:34because what you're dealing with is
40:37you're trying to compact, like, 30 years
40:40of female psychological development
40:42into a few really short months.
40:43And, um, I think that what you're gonna find
40:46is that, uh, in time, the sexual focus, uh, shifts
40:51and it expands and that, uh, there are techniques
40:55you can use, um, to, uh, uh...
41:00Uh...
41:01I'm babbling.
41:03Yeah.
41:06Because I'm completely full of shit.
41:11Yeah.
41:13Sam!
41:16Buddy!
41:18We used to chase babes together.
41:21You know, we would...
41:22We'd get hammered together.
41:24I can't help it.
41:25She won't listen to me.
41:29Time out.
41:31How?
41:32Time out.
41:33Let's, um, let's breathe.
41:38Oh, that's good.
41:39Right like that.
41:40We're gonna breathe.
41:41We had a moment and, um, the moment passed.
41:46And we're fine.
41:47You're fine!
41:48I'm in heat!
41:50Sam!
41:51Oh, sit.
41:52Just...
41:53Why don't you sit?
41:54Why don't, um...
41:55Um...
41:56Yeah, uh, eat some chips.
41:59And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer.
42:02We're gonna get a beer and we're gonna talk this out.
42:05Oh.
42:11Oh.
42:15Oh.
42:17That's nice.
42:20You...
42:21You know, we are gonna look back at this and we're gonna...
42:29Oh, God, you were so good.
42:40Um...
42:42That's...
42:43Those are, uh, it's just androgens.
42:45Those are pheromones.
42:47It's a chemical.
42:54What?
42:56I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to...
43:00Cuddle.
43:06Wow.
43:18Wow.
43:30Ye olde curiosity shop.
43:37Tonight at midnight, to make the choice.
43:48♪
44:13Congratulations.
44:14Thanks, Doc.
44:15Thanks for coming.
44:16And, uh, you're here.
44:18It was a beautiful ceremony.
44:21So, you're Sam's cousin.
44:24Same blood runs through our veins.
44:27I've heard a lot about you.
44:28Only good things, right?
44:30So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway?
44:33Oh, uh, he's like a new person.
44:37Sort of feels like he's with us here in spirit.
44:41Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time.
44:44Come on, Sam, Samantha.
44:46Let's go get a cocktail.
44:47Enjoy.
44:50Come here.
44:51You know, when I was a guy, I used to do this for girls.
44:56Oh, who am I kidding?
44:57I don't think I've ever done this for a woman.
44:59You know, I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry.
45:05Thanks, Doc.
45:07What's wrong, Sam?
45:10You seem sad.
45:11I noticed in the car on the way over.
45:15Let's just talk about it later, okay?
45:19You know what?
45:20I think, I think they might be playing our song.
45:24We have a song.
45:26We do now.
45:29Come on.
45:31May I have this dance?
45:33Does a bear shit?
45:36Of course you may.
45:40So what's it like?
45:44What's what like?
45:47Being a woman.
45:49It's like someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.
45:55Which means?
45:58Um, which means when I walk into a room,
46:05Which means when I walk into a room,
46:09I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.
46:12I know they're happy or horny or sad or...
46:19if they have a chance in hell of stealing you away from me.
46:23Anybody in here, uh, giving you any competition?
46:30See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?
46:33Yeah.
46:34Well, she'd have a shot at you
46:36if she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex and...
46:41if...
46:43Yeah?
46:46If you weren't totally smitten with me.
46:49Oh.
46:50I'm smitten, huh?
46:53Crazy in love.
46:58Well, you're good.
47:07Dealing's mutual, by the way.
47:18I know it's you, Sam.
47:24But you're different.
47:28Good different?
47:30No.
47:32Not good.
47:38Amazing.
47:48When's the last time you kissed me like that?
47:52Tonight?
47:54Mm-hmm.
48:00What? What, do you have a hot date or something?
48:03Come on, you're spoiling my afterglow.
48:06I have to talk to you outside.
48:09Right now.
48:17I need a favor.
48:19Anything.
48:21Can you drive me down to the village?
48:23Now? What for?
48:26Do you trust me?
48:28Of course I trust you.
48:30Then just please don't ask any questions.
48:32Okay.
48:34If that's the way you want it.
48:36Okay, but we have to leave right now.
48:39I need to be there by midnight.
48:51Okay.
49:07Doc.
49:09No.
49:10Sam.
49:11No.
49:21No.
49:51Sam.
50:21Sam.
50:52Could it be true?
50:54Or a turn of the screw?
50:56Or just those birds and bees?
50:59Let's stay here.
51:01Mm-hmm.
51:03Memos el SES.
51:05Key.
51:11Mm-hmm.
51:12Memos el SES.