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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson,
00:38Richard Ayoade,
00:40Katherine Ryan,
00:42Laura Smith,
00:44Matt Ewan,
00:46Susie Dent,
00:48Rachel Riley,
00:50and your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:05First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12Jon stars in a mockumentary about his life,
01:14but you can tell it's not real
01:16because Jon comes across as funny and likeable.
01:19You obviously haven't seen it.
01:21No-one's seen it.
01:24And Jon's team-mate, Katherine Ryan!
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:31Katherine once set her garden on fire.
01:33Well, Katherine, might I suggest you don't rub it so hard?
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain Richard Ayoade!
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46Richard is pretty awkward.
01:48He's the human equivalent of calling your teacher Mummy.
01:51He's as awkward as matching with your dad on Tinder.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:59And joining Richard tonight, it's Laura Smith!
02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:05Laura spells Smith with a Y instead of an I.
02:08The standard on this show is normally pretty low,
02:10but we've never had someone on before that can't spell their own name.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:15Laura, you grew up in the East End.
02:17Do you have any favourite Cockney phrases?
02:19Most Cockney phrases mean mind your own business, don't it, really?
02:22I spent a lot of my early childhood
02:24thinking I was getting a puppy for the number of times
02:26my dad was going to see A Man About A Dog,
02:28but it never materialised.
02:30OK, Richard, now, you've written books.
02:32You've written books for adults and for children.
02:34That's right.
02:35Who do you prefer to write for?
02:37Well, I think I'm currently in the promotional cycle
02:39for the children's books, so why don't you say that, Jim?
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Anyone call you Jim?
02:45Does anyone call me Jim? Yeah.
02:47Yeah, a lot of people do once.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51Are you trying to be Cockney, Jim?
02:53Oi, oi!
02:54A lot of people try it once.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57A man about a dog.
02:59If you can talk like that, just talk like that all the time.
03:02It's much better. How dare you?
03:04LAUGHTER
03:05Jon.
03:06Hello there, friend.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09Call him Jim, he likes it.
03:10Suck it to me, Jim.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13You're turning 40 soon. How do you feel about it?
03:16I think I'm all right with it.
03:18I'm going to have a midlife crisis, though, cos...
03:20How would that manifest for a man that wears cardigans?
03:23What's your...?
03:25Oh!
03:27Look at that.
03:29That watch isn't even set to the right time.
03:31I don't even give a shit.
03:33It is, and I do.
03:35But I'm not 40 yet.
03:37They've come straight back down.
03:39I got a bit overexcited.
03:42I don't want to risk a graze.
03:44I have got a scab on my elbow, which I suffered at a...
03:47What happened, Jon?
03:49It calls us an indoor trampolining centre.
03:52You'd love to know what it would be like to be taller, wouldn't you?
03:55LAUGHTER
03:57Could you make these into shoes?
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01I liked Midlife Crisis, Jon. It's exciting.
04:03Thanks. He's starting to piss me off, I'm not going to lie.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:07OK, Katherine, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
04:10I've been up to witnessing a lot of toxic masculinity
04:14since I was last here. I have a son...
04:16Sorry about Jon.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:22I spent a lot of my career rallying against toxic masculinity
04:27and just, you know, stereotypical men,
04:29and then I married a retired athlete,
04:32and then I gave birth to a boy.
04:34I'm just like a man factory now.
04:36One in, one out?
04:38One in, one out.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:41Show some respect, Jim.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45I'm sorry I was airline.
04:47Maybe we should do a Cockney special. It's more fun, isn't it?
04:50More of Cockneys having more fun.
04:52I'm from Surrey. This is all bullshit.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56Now, Katherine, have you got a mascot?
04:58I brought something that's hopefully going to inspire me,
05:01inspire us all.
05:02I brought a photo of me the last time I was here on Countdown.
05:07Do you notice anything different?
05:09Er...
05:10I was fat as hell.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:14Some of us had a difficult pandem, difficult lockdown.
05:17Some of us gained three stone.
05:19And that was a humbling experience for me.
05:21I learned that it's OK and I've written a...
05:23I've learned that it's OK and I've written a poem about it.
05:26You've written a poem?
05:28I think we're all looking forward to that, aren't we?
05:31Because you sound like a hell of a rotter.
05:34The lady can't make a malapropism.
05:36What kind of show is this, mate?
05:38I wrote a poem about my experience gaining loads of weight
05:41in lockdown and how it's made me a better person.
05:44Let's hear it.
05:45My doctor said I had to take steroids and I thought, OK,
05:48I always wanted to be a professional baseball player one day.
05:51But what actually happened, with the help of some cake,
05:54is I gained three stone of pure fat in the work-from-home break.
05:58My husband claimed not to notice that all my clothes had gone funny.
06:01In fairness, he does golf a lot and was blinded by my money.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:07Unable to travel, office too close to the kitchen,
06:10I became this fat prick, which aroused much suspicion.
06:14What has she done to her face? Too much Botox or filler?
06:18She's addicted to surgery. The next eye lift could kill her.
06:21See your tweets, Linda. Your concern for me is fake.
06:25Just like my tits.
06:27But honestly, what's in my face is just weight.
06:30But then it struck me, hang on, I think big girls look fine.
06:34How can I be body positive if I'm criticising mine?
06:38Remember, if you got fat in lockdown and you gained two stone,
06:42or three, that if it's good enough for Lizzo,
06:45then it's good enough for me.
06:47Shake that ass, don't watch yourself.
06:49Beauty's from within.
06:50Learning self-acceptance is the only way to win.
06:54And then I got lipo and came back.
06:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
06:58Katherine Ryan, everyone.
07:03Richard, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do.
07:06I have... I find the Countdown music quite stressful.
07:12Because I feel it injects jeopardy when...
07:15At a time when I need it the least. I need calm.
07:18And so that's why I brought headphones
07:21and my own portable music-playing system.
07:24And during the Countdown, which...
07:27It's really oppressive, it's right there, it's very stressful.
07:30I want the headphones on and I want music of my choosing.
07:33What music are you going to be playing?
07:35I'm going to have relaxing music, Jimmy.
07:37So I'll be listening to that during gameplay.
07:39And I think you'll see a huge upswing
07:42in the kind of results I'm producing.
07:45OK. Laura, have you got a mascot? I have.
07:47What have you got?
07:49Holy crow.
07:51Let's say a Countdown teapot.
07:54Winner's teapot.
07:56What I want off what I like to call the real Countdown.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:02I'm reliably informed this... Sorry, Jon, you all right?
08:05Yeah, Jon. Yeah, that's right. I'm sorry.
08:08I'd have to review the footage, there were some really shit ones early on.
08:12Well, speaking of reviewing the footage, can we review the footage?
08:15Yeah. You've got footage?
08:17This is genuinely... Laura is a Countdown champion, everyone.
08:20Wow.
08:24OK, Margaret.
08:26Five. Yes. And Laura?
08:28Six. OK, here, five then.
08:30Sound. Sound is six.
08:32Go-Nads. Go-Nads.
08:37Yes.
08:39We've got Go-Nads here.
08:41CHEERING
08:43So you won the actual real Countdown.
08:46Won the real Countdown, got a teapot.
08:48I think I got about 104.
08:51That's only... Thanks, Susie.
08:53So when was this, when was the win?
08:552004, maybe.
08:57So Jon's having a panic attack, let's check in here.
08:59Yeah. You all right, Jon?
09:012004, I think I was out shagging.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:10Are you getting 2004 mixed up with never?
09:14I don't want to read into the game,
09:16but Margaret looked like she was upset by something,
09:18I don't know what you said to her in the dressing room,
09:20but it looked like you freaked Margaret out and she shit herself.
09:23You'll find me a tad harder to intimidate.
09:26Jon, have you got a mascot?
09:28Jon, your mascot, what have you got?
09:30You know sometimes you're at a party or a social gathering...
09:32Nope.
09:36..and conversation's flowing, everyone's having a good time,
09:39and you think, fuck this, let's go back to the beginning bit,
09:43when it was tense, nobody knew each other,
09:46we all had a bit of space and time to think.
09:48What you need is Jon Richardson's book of ice makers.
09:52Oh!
09:55Tactics and phrases you can use to put the tension back into a room.
10:01The opening prologue here, why is the film called Titanic,
10:04when clearly the iceberg is the star?
10:06Without the iceberg, you'd be watching three hours of people
10:09making small talk and someone getting fucked in a car.
10:15Bring down any house party with my collection of ice makers.
10:18Chapter one, get ahead of the game.
10:20Your first boring comment should be with your attire.
10:23Things to consider. Elbow patches.
10:25Not just on a cardigan.
10:27Why not pair a vest with a couple sellotape to your bare elbows?
10:33Crocs.
10:34And I haven't written anything else there, that's enough.
10:37Chapter two is one-to-one.
10:39Now you've mastered the more blunt weapons,
10:41you're ready for some close-up work or slight of mouth.
10:45For example, your hair is beautiful.
10:48May I take a clipping for my collection?
10:51Yeah, go like that.
10:53Shall we slip off somewhere a little quieter?
10:55I've photographed every hand dryer I've ever used
10:57and I'd love to talk you through the highlights.
11:01And then we've got other chapters.
11:03Chapter five is a favourite of mine, ways of breathing.
11:06Chapter eight, eye contact, all or nothing.
11:12It's Jon Ritchie's ice makers and it's available now from my hand.
11:16APPLAUSE
11:21Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Matt Ewins.
11:26Matt, what have you been up to?
11:28Well, Jimmy, people might not know that as well as doing computers,
11:31I'm also a professional model.
11:33And I've just come back from a pretty extensive photo shoot
11:35on a pretty significant advertising campaign.
11:37Got some pictures from the shoot, if I can indulge me.
11:40Oh, hang on a minute, those were quite grim, actually, sorry.
11:43Let me just skip through this.
11:45Let me just skip through this, quite a grim campaign, actually, Jimmy.
11:48Let me just roll through it, Jimmy, let me give me a sec.
11:51Don't smoke, I think, was the take-home message of the campaign.
11:54I'll get the message back to me later.
12:00And with Matt, of course, it's Susie Dent.
12:07I'm not saying Susie's been on the show for a long time,
12:09but last year we found asbestos in her chair.
12:14Susie, you tweet a word of the day every day.
12:17Have you got one for us tonight?
12:19Er, yes. I remember you, Laura.
12:22And there's a lovely French word, retrouver,
12:24which is the joy of meeting someone after a long time.
12:26I think that suits us.
12:28But otherwise, there is giggle, which is from the Philippines,
12:31and that is the irresistible urge to squeeze someone really cute.
12:34That's for Jon.
12:36And there's jobblyjock, which... What, sorry? Jobblyjock.
12:39Oh, yeah, sometimes, but then you have a cuddle,
12:41try again in five minutes.
12:43Well, it is for you, actually, cos it's someone intensely irritating.
12:47And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
12:55Last year, Rachel Riley appeared on Celebrity Antique's road trip
12:58with an old vase.
13:00The experts complained they could see a crack in the bottom.
13:02I told her the dress was too short.
13:05You've done over 3,000 Countdown shows.
13:07What's the funniest word that's ever come up?
13:09One of the new ones I learnt from Susie was, um, pissabed.
13:12That's a real word.
13:14Pissabed is... Pissabed is a real word. And it means...
13:17Pissabed is an old word for the dandelion, cos it's a diuretic.
13:20Dandelion leaves, which you can have in tea, make you pee.
13:23That's called pissabed.
13:27Well, I mean, if anyone's big into water sports, I guess...
13:30Dandelion tea, everyone.
13:32OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
13:35the Countdown home decorating kit.
13:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:44Whoa!
13:54OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
13:56Richard, Laura, you get the first pick of the letters, please.
13:59We're with the pro here.
14:01Thank you. Can we have a consonant, please, Rachel?
14:03Thank you, Laura. R
14:05And another, please.
14:07M
14:08And another.
14:10C
14:11And another, please.
14:13P
14:14And a vowel.
14:16E
14:17And another vowel.
14:18O
14:19And another vowel.
14:20A
14:21And another, please.
14:23U
14:24Crazy for those vowels.
14:25And four vowels, five consonants is optimum.
14:28And another consonant, please.
14:31And an optimum, D.
14:33I might do my recycling while this is going on.
14:35And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
14:38CLOCK CHIMES
14:44LAUGHTER
14:59Oh, Jesus.
15:09APPLAUSE
15:14Sorry, Susie, I just... Cos it's dog shit.
15:19It's a very good book. I'm very sorry.
15:21Thank you. Have you read it?
15:23What?!
15:25OK, Jon, how many?
15:27Er, seven.
15:29Ooh! Katherine, how many?
15:31Ooh! Eight.
15:33Ooh!
15:34Richard, how many?
15:35Five.
15:36OK, solid five. Nice.
15:38I've just really got into the music, actually.
15:40It's been counterproductive.
15:42What were you listening to?
15:43What wasn't I listening to?
15:45The Countdown clock.
15:46That's right.
15:48Got it in one, Jim.
15:49OK.
15:51What I like is that I feel like I look like I'm at the United Nations,
15:54but from a fun country.
15:56LAUGHTER
16:04I know.
16:05Our contribution to this debate isn't really significant.
16:09Laura, how many?
16:11Er, seven.
16:12Well, Richard, let's hear your five.
16:14Moped. Moped. I moped.
16:16OK, Jon, your seven?
16:18Er, well, I had cramped.
16:20There is a nine up there, but it's only a word in Norfolk.
16:23It's what they do their homework on.
16:25A compooter.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:31Laura, your seven?
16:32Er, compared.
16:33No, that's eight.
16:34Yes.
16:35Oh, fuck!
16:38But I said eight, so I win!
16:40Countdown rules, you're wrong.
16:42Sorry.
16:43I tell you what, I've never seen this side of Katherine Ryan before.
16:47Somewhere at home now, Margaret is pissing herself.
16:52Fuck you!
16:55I've got eight, Jimmy.
16:56Mate.
16:57She has eight.
16:58I was too humble.
16:59That's my problem.
17:00You can't believe Katherine Ryan is properly going,
17:02she's got nothing.
17:04We've got moped, and he pronounced it mote.
17:09That's what we've got.
17:11The reason it's called a moped is cos you're sad
17:13you've not got a motorbike.
17:17And, Katherine, what is your eight-letter word, pray tell?
17:20My eight-letter word is compared, and now what are you going to do?
17:23It's eight points to you.
17:24Yeah?
17:26Oh, my God.
17:29It's the lights, it's the bright lights, it's Susie remembering me,
17:32everything got to me, that's what happened.
17:34Oh, did they not have lights in 2004?
17:39Matt, Susie, could they have done any better?
17:41There was another eight, compadre, but no, nothing better than eight.
17:45On to our first numbers round.
17:46OK, Jon, Katherine, you get to pick the numbers.
17:49I'm tempted to say we should pick four big ones,
17:51then there's less chance of us getting an eight
17:53and Laura thinking it's a seven.
17:57Pick six little ones.
17:58This has spurred me on, this has.
18:00This is the worst thing that could have happened to you.
18:03Trust me.
18:05Do you want six little?
18:07Don't care, do what you like.
18:09Am I the least nerdy person here?
18:11Yes.
18:13Is that what's happening?
18:16Whatever, I don't even care about this.
18:19Shut up, sir, I'm not listening.
18:22You're well lame, go and pick your numbers, mate.
18:26We'll have six little, why not?
18:27Six little ones. Are you doing six little, really?
18:29Six little, mate, little ones count.
18:30Why is everything about size?
18:33Still do it with the little ones, cut your head short.
18:36Yeah, it's what you do with them, Jon.
18:37Right.
18:39And we've got nine.
18:40That's another one.
18:41Another nine.
18:43Four, six, three and seven.
18:46And the target.
18:47295.
18:48I don't know how to do this.
18:50OK, and your time starts...
18:53..now.
18:59MUSIC PLAYS
19:25OK, Jon, did you get it?
19:27No, I got 200...
19:29Oh, maybe I did, yeah, I did.
19:31Yeah, OK.
19:32No, you didn't.
19:33Richard.
19:34What?
19:35Did you get it?
19:36I didn't do it, sir.
19:37Why would I bother?
19:40Because it's so lame.
19:42Well, Richard, it's your own time you're wasting.
19:44Laura.
19:45I can waste yours, Jim.
19:47I think I got 285, but I'm not convinced I got that.
19:49Katherine.
19:50I would need a lot more time.
19:53OK, Jon, how did you get it? Talk us through it.
19:55Well, I don't know.
19:57If I did.
19:58But we'll find out live on Channel 4.
20:01Six times four?
20:02What a rush.
20:03Six times four.
20:05Oh, yeah.
20:0624.
20:07Oh, no, I think I fucked it.
20:09It's nine plus three.
20:11Nine plus three...
20:13Is 12.
20:14Yeah.
20:15What if you times them together?
20:16What do you think that is?
20:17288.
20:18It is 288.
20:19OK, that's good, Jon.
20:20Look at her face.
20:21And then add the seven.
20:22Yeah!
20:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:28Why do people waste their lives writing drama?
20:36Oh, it feels like there's a little bit of trouble
20:38in paradise over there.
20:39No, no, he's...
20:40How dare you call this paradise?
20:43It's ten points to Jon Richardson.
20:45Wow, what is this, mate?
20:46Yeah.
20:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:50It's fine.
20:51No, it's fine.
20:52It's fine.
20:53It's fine.
20:54Is it fine, though?
20:55Jim, it's fine.
20:57Jim, back it off.
20:58Back it off.
20:59Back it off, Jim.
21:00A phrase no-one's ever used.
21:02Back it off, Jim.
21:04Back it off, Jim.
21:05I'm not reversing a van.
21:07Mate.
21:08I like the new cool Richard Ayoade, by the way.
21:10I like it.
21:11What ifs?
21:13You're going to need to take the cravat off to fully commit.
21:17So, Richard and Laura have no points.
21:19Jon and Katherine have 18 points.
21:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27And here is your teaser.
21:28The words are OWN GIRTH,
21:30and the clue is, you might need two hands.
21:32That's OWN GIRTH, you might need two hands.
21:35See you after the break.
21:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:51Welcome back.
21:52The answer to the teaser, the words were OWN GIRTH,
21:54the clue was, you might need two hands.
21:56It was, of course, THROWING.
21:58Time for our next letters game.
22:00Jon, Katherine, your turn to choose.
22:02Two consonants, Rachel, and then a vowel.
22:04N.
22:05Then I'll see how I feel.
22:06D.
22:07A.
22:08A.
22:10Two more consonants and a vowel.
22:13T.
22:14G.
22:16I.
22:17And a vowel, please.
22:19O.
22:20And another consonant.
22:22S.
22:23Vowel.
22:24A vowel.
22:25E.
22:26Jon, you're pretty good at Countdown, right?
22:28Yeah.
22:29Could you do it, could you do anagraphs while dancing?
22:31Not anymore.
22:32When was the last time we went out dancing?
22:34Oh, my God.
22:35Come on, let's dance, come on.
22:36Come on.
22:37Come on, let's...
22:38Oh, we never hold hands anymore.
22:40Come on, we never do.
22:41Now, do you want to stretch first?
22:43Yeah.
22:44Get yourself...
22:47Stretch the bits you use.
22:49All right.
22:50OK, and your time starts...
22:52Now.
22:53MUSIC PLAYS
23:23APPLAUSE
23:24Thank you, yeah.
23:25It's good, it's good, it was like the old days.
23:27Yeah.
23:28I think you messed up one of the moves.
23:30Yeah.
23:31Just a little bit.
23:32You've got to be slightly more...
23:33Yeah.
23:34It's fine, though.
23:35Do you know what?
23:36When you dance, it looks like you haven't got a bald patch,
23:38but then...
23:40It's just...
23:41It's the weirdest thing.
23:42When you were dancing, I was thinking,
23:44God, hasn't he got a thick head of hair?
23:46But then, now, when I look at it, there's a big bald patch.
23:49Katherine, how many?
23:50Seven.
23:51Seven.
23:52Seven.
23:53Laura, how many?
23:54Eight.
23:55Richard, how many?
23:56Seven.
23:57OK.
23:58Jon, how many?
23:59Eight.
24:00Eight, with a lovely dance.
24:01Wow.
24:02Wow.
24:03My seven definitely isn't a word.
24:04OK, what...
24:05What is your seven?
24:06Sometimes, you could go out goating.
24:08Is it like East End goating?
24:10That's right.
24:11Goating.
24:12There's no...
24:13It's got an E on the end, it's goateen.
24:15Oh, goateen.
24:17And actually, you can put a D on that and just go,
24:20goateened, mate.
24:23You've been in that field all night, it's been rough,
24:25you're goateened, mate.
24:28Is that in it?
24:29No.
24:30Oh, shut up.
24:31Katherine, your seven?
24:32Steamed.
24:33Jon, your eight?
24:34Sedating.
24:35Ooh.
24:36Very good.
24:37Ooh, that's a good word.
24:39Laura, what have you got?
24:40Diagnosed.
24:41Wow.
24:42Diagnosed.
24:43APPLAUSE
24:44Diagnosed.
24:45OK, eight points to both teams.
24:47APPLAUSE
24:49Could they have done any better?
24:51Nothing better than eight.
24:52OK, at the end of that round, Richard and Laura have eight points,
24:55Jon and Katherine are in the lead with 26.
24:57APPLAUSE
25:01OK, on to our next numbers round.
25:03Richard, Laura, your turn to pick the numbers.
25:05Shall we go two from the top?
25:07I've lost my bottle. Two from the top, please.
25:09Sure.
25:10And the other four.
25:11What's behind the word BOTTLE there?
25:13I've lost my bottle.
25:14BOTTLE and GLASS, ARSE.
25:15Ooh!
25:16Yeah.
25:17Why would you lose your arse?
25:19Well, cos everything falls through, I guess.
25:21Genuinely found an interesting derivation the other day.
25:23I found out the derivation of BLOWJOB.
25:25Ooh! Oh!
25:26I didn't realise it's BELOWJOB.
25:28What?!
25:29From World War I, it was a BELOWJOB.
25:31How did you find that out, Jimmy? Where were you?
25:34I like books about derivations, but just not boring ones.
25:37Only ones about...
25:38Only ones about cocks.
25:41Why do they call it getting SUCKED OFF?
25:44LAUGHTER
25:47Come on, boring maths.
25:49From BLOWJOBS to NUMBERS.
25:51Seamless.
25:52Right.
25:53One.
25:54See, nobody wants to play any more.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57Nine.
25:58Let's hope for a six. Come on, guys.
26:00Two.
26:01Fucking hell.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:0375 and 50.
26:05Wow.
26:06OK.
26:07And the target.
26:08828.
26:09OK, and your time starts now.
26:11TICKING
26:17MUSIC
26:41OK, so the target was 828.
26:43Catherine, did you get it?
26:45I have 823, which is really good for me.
26:47Jon, did you get it?
26:49No, I got 827.
26:51827. OK, Richard, did you get it?
26:53I got 827.
26:54Laura, did you get it?
26:55827.
26:56Laura, how did you get 827?
26:58Oh, but hang on, can't I prove once that I might have got almost close?
27:02Yeah, go on.
27:039 plus 2.
27:04Yes.
27:0511 times 75.
27:08825.
27:09And the two ones.
27:10Lovely, one away.
27:11That's right.
27:12APPLAUSE
27:16I think I might have got it post-event.
27:20Tell us anyway. I'll give it to you if you've got it.
27:2250 times 9.
27:2450 times 9, 450.
27:26Add 1.
27:28Add 1.
27:29Times 2.
27:30Yeah.
27:31451 times 2, 902.
27:34Minus 75.
27:35Yep.
27:36And then add the 1.
27:38Wow.
27:39APPLAUSE
27:4210 points to Laura.
27:44Just so I know how seriously to take the rest of the game,
27:47we're giving her that, are we?
27:48Yes.
27:49Yeah.
27:50Just so I know whether to mentally check out or not.
27:53Oh!
27:54I don't mind if we've come here for fun,
27:56but I was under the impression we'd come here for a game of Countdown,
27:59so just...
28:00Oh!
28:01I don't mind which one it is.
28:02No, I think the little boy's going to cry.
28:04No, it's fine.
28:05It's just if it's not real Countdown, I don't need a fucking pen, do I?
28:08Oh!
28:09And, by the way, mentally check out, get your own act.
28:14OK.
28:15I came here to mentally check out.
28:17I haven't really checked out, I only threw my pen
28:19cos I knew I had a back-up.
28:21I'm still here.
28:23OK, so Richard and Laura have 18,
28:26Jon and Catherine still in the lead with 26.
28:28APPLAUSE
28:33Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
28:35Matt, what have you got for us?
28:36Well, Jimmy, I've been getting a lot of online abuse recently
28:38and I'd like to take this opportunity to ask people to just stop.
28:40It's a nightmare.
28:41Like, I'm not on social media, but if you just, like,
28:43type my name onto, you know, online, it's just horrible stuff.
28:46You type in Matt Ewins and it comes up,
28:48did you mean Twat Ewins?
28:49Like, the related searches, Jimmy.
28:51I don't know what people have been looking for to get that to come up.
28:53It's a nightmare.
28:54The worst thing is, do you think, on images,
28:56it's just thumbnails of this one viral video
28:58where I forgot to lock the toilet door on a train, right?
29:01That's my online presence, isn't it, Jimmy?
29:03It's a nightmare.
29:05They've been following me around for years.
29:07Cos I'm trying to get better, you know, I'm trying to exercise.
29:10I don't want people to see my odd arms and my odd legs.
29:12How do I exercise without looking like a fool?
29:14I've worked it out, right?
29:15How do I exercise without, you know, getting into shorts or whatnot?
29:18What I do is I go to a train station wearing a full suit
29:21and then for an hour and a half pretend I'm late for my train, yeah?
29:24Just run around going...
29:26What platform is it?
29:28Got to be number four, yeah?
29:30Do that for 90 minutes, get a pretty good cardio workout.
29:34Getting into a lot of sport recently.
29:36Been doing boxing.
29:37I'm a bit of a boxer.
29:39I'm not like these professional wimps, you know,
29:41with their big, you know, their gum shields.
29:43I'm one of those dentist guards,
29:45so I've got my teeth more out, if anything, yeah.
29:47Bring it on, bring it on, I ain't scared of you.
29:50I'll fight you.
29:52I'm, yeah, into a lot of extreme, extreme sports.
29:55I've been doing parkour, you know, free running.
29:58I'm not great at it, I'll be the first to admit,
30:00but I'm getting better all the time.
30:04Really improving on that.
30:06Matt Ewans, everyone.
30:09And here is your teaser.
30:10The words are TAPE ASS.
30:12The clue is THEY'RE MOVING APART.
30:14That's TAPE ASS, THEY'RE MOVING APART.
30:16See you after the break.
30:32Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
30:34the words were TAPE ASS, the clue was THEY'RE MOVING APART.
30:36It was, of course, SEPARATE.
30:38This letters game is big.
30:39It's time for the real-life Countdown winner, Laura Smith,
30:42to go head-to-head with our very own Countdown resident genius,
30:45Jon Richardson.
30:47That's right, everyone, it's Battle Of The Super Nerds.
30:50Wow!
30:54In this round, Jon and Laura will be using 18 letters.
31:00Correct.
31:01We're playing for double points,
31:03so there's a possible 36 points up for grabs.
31:07So, nerds, do you think you can get an 18-letter word?
31:09Don't think there are any 18-letter words.
31:11No, I've never even heard of such a thing.
31:13Susie, are there any 18-letter words?
31:15Yeah, quite a lot.
31:16COUNTERINTUITIVELY, HYPERCONSCIOUSNESS...
31:19Hang on, let me write them down.
31:23Jon, have you got any trash talk for former champion Laura?
31:26No, I don't think I need to.
31:27I think her own demons will take their toll.
31:31Quick question for you, though.
31:32Did you want me to tell you what I've got within 30 seconds,
31:34or can we fuck around for five minutes afterwards
31:36and then I'll...?
31:37Ooh!
31:39Ooh.
31:40Laura, do you have anything to say to rap boy Jon Richardson?
31:45I don't think you're good at Countdown.
31:47GASP
31:50Laura, if you pick the first nine letters,
31:52and then, Jon, you pick the second nine,
31:54and then you'll have 18 letters to play with.
31:5636 points on offer. OK, let's go.
31:58Consonant, please.
31:59Consonant.
32:00L
32:01And another, please.
32:03Y
32:04Cos I want one.
32:07I'm sorry.
32:08It's a classic bit of Countdown humour.
32:10Classic, classic.
32:14Two, another, a vowel, please.
32:16U
32:17And another one, please.
32:19I
32:20And another, please.
32:22A
32:23And a consonant, please.
32:25N
32:26And a vowel.
32:28E
32:29And a consonant.
32:31R
32:32And a consonant, please.
32:33And...
32:34T
32:35OK, Jon.
32:36Another vowel, please.
32:37O
32:38And another consonant, please.
32:40N
32:41And another consonant, please.
32:44G
32:45This is madness.
32:46And another vowel, please.
32:47This is madness.
32:48Crazy.
32:49A
32:50A vowel, please.
32:51U
32:52A consonant, please.
32:53H
32:54Consonant, please.
32:56S
32:57And another consonant.
32:59N
33:00And another vowel.
33:01And that's your last one.
33:03I
33:04The Battle Of The Supernerds.
33:08Here's the Countdown clock.
33:18I prefer this, actually.
33:20It's nice.
33:21It's chill.
33:22It's like Hans Zimmer did a remix.
33:26You need to get some more low brass in.
33:31Very nice.
33:34OK.
33:40That went quick.
33:41Well, when you're having as much fun as that.
33:43OK.
33:45Jon, 36 points, up for grabs.
33:47How many?
33:48I think I've got a nine.
33:49That's not more than we would usually have.
33:53A nine is still impressive.
33:54OK, Laura, how many?
33:55I think I've got a ten.
33:57Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
33:58Yes.
33:59OK.
34:00Jon, your disappointing nine.
34:02Slaughter.
34:03OK.
34:04Laura.
34:05Unearthing.
34:07Yes.
34:08Oh!
34:09That's amazing.
34:1020 points to Laura.
34:11Right.
34:18OK.
34:19Can I ask, Matt, Susie, could they have done any better?
34:21There were a couple of 12s.
34:23Nauseatingly.
34:24Neutralising.
34:26And a 13.
34:27Inaugurations.
34:29Whoa.
34:30Wow.
34:34It's all too much for you, is it?
34:36Yeah.
34:37I only got up to nine.
34:38We'll take their word for it.
34:39Yeah.
34:40We'll just...
34:41There we go.
34:45So, at the end of that, Richard and Laura are in the lead
34:47with 38 points.
34:48Yes.
34:54OK, on to the next numbers round.
34:56Richard, Catherine, you're going head-to-head
34:58in the Battle Of The Super Nerd and Catherine Ryan.
35:05Catherine, would you like to get inside Richard's head?
35:07Richard?
35:08Yes, Catherine?
35:09You will lose this mathematics round.
35:11I agree.
35:15You look like a live-action Scooby-Doo character.
35:20How dare you suggest I'm live-action?
35:24I would actually love a Richard Scooby-Doo.
35:27Can you imagine how good that would be, how funny that would be?
35:29They do celeb cameos now, don't they?
35:31Yeah.
35:32Scooby-Doo and guess who?
35:33Ricky Gervais has done one.
35:34I've come here to get work.
35:36Wow.
35:37It would be them and you, so it would be shaggy saying to you...
35:40Like Richard.
35:48OK, Catherine, pick the numbers.
35:51Too big and the rest small, please, Rachel.
35:53Classic.
35:54Big ones, four little ones.
35:57Coming up.
35:58247, 8, 50 and 100.
36:03And 584.
36:06Time for Battle Of The Super Nerd and Catherine Ryan.
36:10Here's the Countdown Clock.
36:24BELL RINGS
36:43Did you get it, Catherine?
36:44I think so.
36:45Richard, did you get it?
36:46No.
36:47OK, Catherine, how do you think you got it?
36:49OK, Rachel.
36:51100 plus 50 is 150.
36:53Yes, you have got it.
36:55What?!
36:56She's got it.
36:57But how do you know this early?
36:59Because you know.
37:00Look, watch this.
37:01I need these.
37:02Yeah, so you need that.
37:03And then I'm going to go...
37:04And then you're going to times it by four.
37:05600.
37:06OK, and then separately...
37:08Yeah.
37:09..eight times two is 16.
37:10See, she's got it.
37:11And then you minus that from 600 and then...
37:13Got it.
37:14Catherine Ryan, everyone.
37:15Catherine Ryan.
37:17Ten points to Catherine Ryan.
37:20In my defence, I got...
37:22OK.
37:23..nowhere near.
37:24I did get 585 and I didn't put my headphones on
37:26and I'd received a torrent of abuse before.
37:30I don't know what we should do on international policy.
37:35Are you moonlighting at the UN again?
37:41OK, the scores at the moment,
37:43Jon and Catherine have 36 points.
37:45Richard and Laura are in the lead with 38.
37:49Oh!
37:50APPLAUSE
37:54OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
37:56Matt, what have you got for us?
37:57Well, Jimmy, I've spent the last few years
37:59trying to make computer games
38:00and I'm desperately trying to get a publisher.
38:02I mean, a couple of years ago, I made this brilliant game,
38:05Matt Ewins.
38:06Now, that's soccer, 2020,
38:07and the publishers weren't happy with it,
38:09they weren't happy with the animations,
38:10they said they weren't realistic.
38:11I mean, look at that.
38:12Look at that guy.
38:13He's so excited for scoring a goal.
38:14What a great celebration.
38:15Do a little football jog.
38:16You can't tell that guy isn't crazy about football.
38:18He's having a way of a time.
38:21He could be more crazy about football,
38:23but he's obsessed with it.
38:24I enjoy sport,
38:25but it's sometimes hard to fit that into your day-to-day life
38:27because there's better things to do, like go to the pub.
38:30So I was like, how can I try and make sport and pub be combined?
38:33Because I'm an innovator, that's what I've done.
38:35I've created a computer game called Pub Golf,
38:37which I'd like to invite Jon and Catherine to play,
38:39where we can have a lovely game of golf out on the links,
38:42but at the same time have a nice time in the pub.
38:44If you could get your controllers out, please.
38:46Yes.
38:47So, basically, what I've done, Jimmy,
38:49is I've connected flow sensors to those tubes,
38:52so the more that you drink your pints,
38:54the faster your avatar's on the screen to play a lovely game of golf.
38:58So we've got a little Jon Richardson there, out there,
39:00playing a game of golf.
39:01We've got a little Catherine Ryan there.
39:03So you can start on the left-hand side.
39:05The person who sucks the fastest is the winner.
39:07Catherine Ryan, you're feeling confident on this, right?
39:09Yes, I've been tricked in pubs with this game before,
39:11but not this time.
39:14Not this time.
39:15I've checked and they are actual straws.
39:19Get ready, go.
39:20Right, you need to go left as quick as you can.
39:22Suck as much as you can on the left one.
39:24Don't let us down.
39:25Oh, hang on a minute.
39:26Oh, no, that looks promising.
39:28I've fucked it.
39:31Are there any lights on those controllers?
39:32I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, this has taken a fucking week of my life.
39:35What's happening?
39:36Wait a minute!
39:37Should that be plugged in?
39:38Not again!
39:40The good news is that my phone is charging, though.
39:46Sorry, Jimmy, we'd better leave it there.
39:49Now, one of the games I'm very proud of is Clumso.
39:52You know, like a lot of games, you've got to have quite good dexterity.
39:55I don't have that, I make a lot of mistakes,
39:57I've got quite bad hand-to-eye coordination.
39:59So I've got Clumso, yeah?
40:00Zero fear, zero hand-to-eye coordination.
40:02It's the spy with very bad spatial awareness.
40:05Let's see if I can do it.
40:06Right, let me just reload that.
40:08Hang on a minute, get in there.
40:09Come on, Clumso, come on.
40:11Go on, get that gun reloaded, mate.
40:12Go on, we're getting shot here, mate.
40:14Turn it around.
40:15Come on.
40:17Oh, boy.
40:18Oh, no, game over.
40:19Right, that's Clumso.
40:22I'm worried I'm making stuff that's too violent,
40:24so I wanted to make a game about peace, about discovery.
40:27Susie, you inspired me, and I've made this game for you.
40:30It's called Susie Dent Tome Reader.
40:34And it plays you on a journey to try and find a very old book.
40:38That's the controller there for you.
40:40OK.
40:41And basically, you're in this very old antique shop,
40:43and the shopkeeper's got an old book for you,
40:45so you need to just navigate round his precious vase shop
40:48and go and talk to him using the controller.
40:50Right, that's it.
40:51Susie, this is an old antique shop.
40:53You're going to annoy this guy.
40:55Go round, just round the corner.
40:56Susie, you've got to angle it round.
40:58Angle it round.
40:59That's it, sideways, that's it.
41:00Up there, up round the corner.
41:03Susie, you've smashed his shop to pieces.
41:05Right, now...
41:06Stand still in front of the counter, Susie.
41:09Stand still in front of the counter.
41:11That's it, that's it.
41:13That's it, stand in front.
41:15Right, I'll ask him about the...
41:17Bloody hell, Susie!
41:20Shut that guy's son!
41:24Matt Ewans, everyone.
41:28And here is your final teaser.
41:30The words are ACHY LIPS.
41:31The clue is, no time for talking.
41:33That's ACHY LIPS, no time for talking.
41:35See you after the break.
41:52Welcome back.
41:53The answer to the teaser, the words were ACHY LIPS.
41:55The clue was, no time for talking.
41:57It was, of course, PHYSICAL.
41:58OK, time for our final letters game.
42:00Jon and Catherine, your turn to choose.
42:02Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:04It's a Q, Jon.
42:05Q.
42:06Ruined it already.
42:07Vowel?
42:09A
42:10Consonant, please.
42:11D
42:12Another vowel, please.
42:14E
42:15Consonant, please.
42:17L
42:18Another vowel, please.
42:20O
42:21Oh, no.
42:22Consonant, please.
42:23G
42:24And another consonant, please.
42:27R
42:28Let's have another crack at that U, shall we?
42:30Come on.
42:31E
42:33I'm going to fill in the application form to be on Love Island,
42:35cos that's a proper show, I'm bored of this.
42:37Your 30 seconds starts now.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:19Catherine, would you go on Love Island?
43:21I would absolutely go on Love Island.
43:23It's one of my favourite shows,
43:25and I feel like there's a gap in the market
43:27for women who've lived lives, been divorced,
43:30they'd be fucking.
43:33Jon, would you go on Love Island?
43:35I don't need to, Jimmy.
43:36If I want to be on an island full of single women
43:38who don't know how to have sex with me,
43:40I already am.
43:44APPLAUSE
43:49Catherine, how many?
43:50I have a risky seven, but I don't think it's a word, so six.
43:54OK, all right.
43:55Jon, how many?
43:56I've got a risky seven, so I'll go for it.
43:58OK. Richard, how many?
44:00Six.
44:01OK. Laura?
44:02I've got a seven.
44:03Catherine, your six?
44:04Reload.
44:05Richard, your six?
44:07Loader.
44:08Jon?
44:09Largered.
44:10Largered?
44:11Yeah.
44:12As in, we got lagered?
44:13It's just there as a noun, I'm afraid.
44:15Sorry.
44:16Laura, your seven?
44:17Regaled?
44:18Yes.
44:19Ooh!
44:20Regaled.
44:21APPLAUSE
44:22All right, for the victory corner.
44:24Oh!
44:27I'm going to get lagered up tonight, trust me.
44:30How many pints are you going to have, seven or eight?
44:35OK, could they have done any better?
44:37No.
44:38No.
44:39OK, so, Jon and Catherine have 36 points,
44:41Richard and Laura have 45.
44:43They're in the lead.
44:44Whoa, whoa, whoa.
44:45This is insane, this is really...
44:48OK, this is a crucial countdown conundrum.
44:51Whoever gets this wins.
44:54It's all on this.
44:55I'll tell you what a conundrum is.
44:57Do I surrender the round and surrender the game,
45:00or do I look down at my monitor at the angle I need to to see it
45:04and expose my bald spot?
45:11It's so weird, though, when you were dancing earlier,
45:13I could have sworn it was a full head of hair.
45:16I know, but we don't live in a world
45:18where you can not have hair and then have hair again.
45:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
45:29Right. Let's do this.
45:31So, time for today's crucial countdown conundrum.
45:34Eyes down, we're doing this, your time starts...now.
45:39LAUGHTER
45:52BUZZER
45:53Oh!
45:54BUZZER
45:55Yeah, Katherine? Katherine? Katherine?
45:58Impounded.
46:00That is the right answer!
46:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:05OK, that means the final scores are Richard and Laura
46:08have a commendable 45 points,
46:10but the winners, Jon and Katherine, have 46 points.
46:12Congratulations.
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:17You are now the proud owner of this,
46:19£30,000 home decorating kit.
46:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:23Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
46:26and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
46:28Goodnight.
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE