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00:30Snowed in with the nation's fucking sweetheart.
00:36Where was I?
00:37Danny's to-do list 2010.
00:40Baby.
00:41Tick.
00:42Boyfriend.
00:43Tick.
00:45We're next, Factor.
00:48Tick!
00:49And you were still talking to Mac Coddle after he punched you in the face
00:52in the late Venus.
00:54It was an accident, Cheryl.
00:56He still punched you in the face, though.
00:58He apologised on Twitter.
01:00That must have hurt.
01:01Did that hurt?
01:02And on my Bebo page.
01:03He punched you in the face.
01:04And on Photo Bucket.
01:05In like a photo.
01:06Right on the face.
01:07He was excited.
01:08He was excited and he was nervous.
01:10But he punched you on the face.
01:11It didn't even hurt.
01:12Still punched you on the face.
01:13I don't even mind.
01:14It's fine, OK?
01:15I think he did it on purpose.
01:16Look, no, he didn't mean to, you know?
01:18He's a very nice guy.
01:19It's embarrassing.
01:20We get on very well, thank you.
01:22There's T-shirts in Camden of him punching you in the face.
01:26Right.
01:27Presents.
01:28And the McDairy's inscription.
01:30Let's get that out the fucking way.
01:33Oh, thank you.
01:42Look, it's my story about me, about my story,
01:44about all about me.
01:45And they talk about my overnight successes
01:48and, you know, home and away bloopers
01:50and I became an overnight superstar,
01:52pop star, global success.
01:54What is that gammy fucking squint?
01:58Well, I'm doing me a-narrow.
02:00What?
02:01You know, me a-narrow.
02:05What? Fuck what?
02:06You know, when Fat Mary's singing
02:08and I'm listening to every word she's singing.
02:10So I lean forward and I do me a-narrow.
02:14Well, don't do it.
02:15That looks like a face with four eyebrows.
02:17And then it talks about me living in Kylie's shadow
02:20and how I ran out of money and had to get my tits out.
02:23Then I met Chris and then he played rugby
02:25and we talk about that for a few chapters.
02:27And then Ethan comes along
02:29and then there's three chapters
02:31on isometric dresses alone.
02:34I bought you something at all.
02:39It's my book.
02:41Cheryl Cole.
02:43Through my hand.
02:45Oh, that's great. Good thinking, Cheryl.
02:47We're running out of kindling.
02:51What? What are you doing?
02:52Oh, my God.
02:53I stuck me head to me hand.
02:56With me nail glue. I'm not joking.
02:58It's stuck.
02:59I'm going to be like this all Christmas.
03:05Brilliant, we can rock and roll.
03:10My shizzles, it's Funkatonitron.
03:13Ow, ow, ow, ow.
03:15I'm so annoying.
03:16Basically, this mother-fricking death challenge
03:18is so outrageous, it's even more outrageous
03:20than last week's mother-fricking tune.
03:22Excellent.
03:23Mark Ronson, Bombay Bicycle.
03:26Skills.
03:27Basically, I'm going to flop out my baps,
03:29staple them to this fricking stairwell,
03:31lob myself over until my tits snap off.
03:33Skills.
03:34Chew.
03:35Totes.
03:36Radio Uno.
03:39Ow!
03:43Ow!
03:44Amazing.
03:45Mentalist.
03:46Live lounge.
03:47This death challenge is dedicated
03:49to my best mate, Denise Van Outen,
03:51who thinks she's better than me
03:52because she married Joseph
03:53and is technicolour knob coat.
03:55No one cares.
04:00Skills.
04:01She's so painful, you don't even know.
04:03Basically, I'm not even dead yet.
04:05My tits are like windsocks
04:06and my nipples are bleeding love by Leona Lewis.
04:09Keep listening.
04:10Also, don't forget to tune in next week
04:12when I'll be sticking Tupperware
04:14into both and all of my eye sockets
04:16until I turn into a spork.
04:18For those of you who don't know what a spork is,
04:20it's a plastic spoon and fork combined.
04:23Skills.
04:24Oh, no.
04:26I think I'm going.
04:28Yep.
04:32Brilliant.
04:34Chatempierre, Chatempierre.
04:36OK, we're going live in 30 seconds.
04:38Buzz off, growler.
04:41So, your boyfriend, he didn't make the work drinks.
04:44What's his name again?
04:45Arsenal Football Club.
04:48Oh, by the Esther Anson club.
04:49She wants her breath back.
04:51Does she?
04:52Yeah.
04:53Great reference.
04:54I mean, is she still alive?
04:55Is she?
04:56Do you know, I'd just like to dropkick you in them.
04:58Right in your tits.
04:59Really?
05:00I'd like to stab you in the anus with my stiletto.
05:02But you'd like that, wouldn't you, you gay little bitch?
05:05You know, a good night out for you is getting pissed
05:09and fingered on.
05:10Yes, it is.
05:11Fingered on like an old stinky bag of cold shit.
05:13That's it.
05:14Stop trying to talk to me.
05:15I'd rather stab myself in the face with a fork.
05:16I hate you.
05:17You're a whore.
05:18I am a whore.
05:19Just a filthy, disgusting whore.
05:20I am a whore.
05:21A loathsome, disgusting whore.
05:22I'm a whore.
05:23Oh, fuck off, Sullivan.
05:24I fucking hate you.
05:25I fucking, I loathe you.
05:26I loathe you.
05:27I hate...
05:28Like each other.
05:29Like each other.
05:30Like each other.
05:31Slightly concerned face.
05:32Hi.
05:33Good evening.
05:35The Gilbert Shows.
05:36The Gilbert Shows.
05:37Everyone loves the Gilbert Shows.
05:39Yeah, Grandad.
05:42Now...
05:44Hi, you guys.
05:46Julie was going to be here, and we was going to do an interview together,
05:50but she can't be here today because her dialysis machine's backed up again,
05:55so she's going to hospital.
05:58Hello, Julie, because she's got long brown hair.
06:09She's going to be all right, though,
06:11but we was going to interview none other than Sunita from X Factor.
06:18Hello, Sunita.
06:20Who do you like more?
06:25Louie or Simon?
06:28Simon.
06:29Simon.
06:34If you could recall one time on the show, what's that one time on the show?
06:45When it says X Factor.
06:50Thank you so much for coming.
06:52Oh, that's all right.
06:54It's been nice having you here with the show.
06:58Now, because now...
07:00Hello!
07:02This is when we do the arts and crafts on the show.
07:10This is a tiger in the zoo.
07:12Oi, Grandad.
07:14Grandad, he's bleeding.
07:19Bleeding in the zoo. Someone stabbed it.
07:25Tiger.
07:27Gilbert.
07:29I'm doing the art bit on the show.
07:35Elizabeth from Next Door.
07:36Well, she heard about Julie and her dialysis machine packing up,
07:40and she felt really sorry, and she thought you might be upset,
07:44so she sent you a little present.
07:46She can't be here because her dialysis machine's not working.
07:52I know. It's a shame, isn't it?
07:55Grandad, have you gotten this?
07:59Oh, what have you got?
08:01This!
08:02Oh, isn't that lovely?
08:05It's a little frog.
08:10Yeah, that's nice, isn't it?
08:13That'll be useful.
08:16For what?
08:18You can put your cocoa on it.
08:20Oh, God.
08:24That's got a bit large.
08:30I don't like it!
08:33I've had enough!
08:51Adrian!
08:53He can't come home for lunch today because...
08:56because he's got some chewing gum stuck in the back of his hair again!
09:02That's why!
09:05Tiki-tiki!
09:08Get out of the way!
09:09It's me, Boris Bloody Johnson, wet willy!
09:13Charge!
09:15It's me, Boris Bloody Johnson, wet willy!
09:18Charge!
09:21During the night, Mary gave birth to Jesus.
09:24She wrapped him in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger full of hay.
09:30What?
09:32Little donkey, little donkey?
09:35It's not your line-it, Boris.
09:37No? Oh, no.
09:39Cancel.
09:41Sleeves, yeah.
09:46Oi!
09:47The three wise men followed the start of Bethlehem.
09:56Little donkey, little donkey?
09:59You're not on yet, Boris.
10:01Not now?
10:03One of these? A couple of these? Maybe one of these?
10:06No?
10:08No.
10:10They gave Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.
10:14That night, an angel came down.
10:19That night, an angel came down.
10:23That night, an angel came down!
10:25Oh, God, tremendous!
10:28Bollocks. Bugger. Hello.
10:31Three wise men, one a taxi, one a scooter, one a hooter,
10:35bibbing his tutor. Bip, bip, bip.
10:37There's another guy, he was on a dog, no-one knows about him.
10:40What?
10:42God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God came down and said some shit.
10:45Mary's got a bun in the oven, I'm bloody duff.
10:48Pull the other one, she won't get any handouts from the Tories.
10:50Dirty little, filthy little tart.
10:52Cockette.
10:53What? Hello?
10:54All right here? Vote boo.
10:56Vote Boris.
10:57What? What's this?
10:58Boris, stop it.
10:59Milk the donkey.
11:01Crybaby.
11:03Oh, dear. Oh, do me.
11:05You squashed Jesus.
11:06What? Mary's a bloody bloke.
11:08What?
11:09That's terribly 2010, I've got to say.
11:11You know, multiracial, gay Mary and Joseph, that's really quite lovely.
11:15They make computers with monkeys in the sky typing.
11:20So when you...
11:23Ryan Eno goes up to the monkeys,
11:26and then the monkeys...
11:29read it.
11:32And then the monkeys send it off to whoever you've sent it to.
11:35I'm trying to...
11:38to never tell a monkey a secret.
11:44Jesus!
11:45Damn!
11:46Jesus!
11:47Damn!
11:48Jesus!
11:49Damn!
11:50Jesus!
11:51Damn!
11:54Jesus!
11:55Damn!
11:56No, I tripled my bonus.
11:58Huh? Just bought another house.
12:00Pretty standard.
12:01Six bedrooms.
12:03No, I'm out and about.
12:04Just brought some presents for Tabs and the ankle biters.
12:07Eh?
12:08What? What are you going on about?
12:09Of course I'm back from the Orient, you wretched grouser.
12:12Eh?
12:13But I love those little rice munchers.
12:16OK.
12:17Plans for the Christmas party.
12:19I want sluts.
12:20Tons and tons of loose-limbed, loose-murled sluts.
12:25And midgets.
12:26Get me midgets.
12:27You know how funny I find those little fuckers
12:29with their massive heads and their humongous fucking hands.
12:34And powder dorkings.
12:36Loads and loads of Colombian powder.
12:38If I'm not balls deep in a slut bucket
12:41sniffing coke off a midget's head at midnight,
12:44I'm not going to be happy.
12:47Ah!
12:48Fucking conkers!
12:49In December, you fucking smelly little tree rat!
12:51Ah!
12:52Fuck!
12:53Stay!
12:54Ah!
12:55Fuck you!
12:56Ah!
12:58Hey, come on!
12:59No, no, come on!
13:00Go, you bastards!
13:01Fucking fat whores!
13:03Ah!
13:06We're following Joyce and Barry Dickens,
13:08who run a funeral parlour in the town of Cholmley in Yorkshire.
13:12If people are born...
13:16..people are going to die.
13:18It is just part of life's bittersweet circle.
13:21Or part of life's rich tapestry.
13:23I mean, last May, we had a relic pile-up on the Enthal.
13:27An amazing absolute killing.
13:29Excuse the pun.
13:30It's a bit like painting with materials, really, isn't it?
13:34Tapestry, I mean.
13:36I suppose it's something for your more mature elderly lady.
13:41For example, Joyce is a fan, so...
13:48But at the end of the day,
13:49somebody's got to make money out of somebody else's misfortune.
13:53Just got your joke!
13:55About the killing, cos it's...
13:58You know, it works, doesn't it?
14:00You make a killing through money,
14:02but it's actually made through a killing!
14:06OK?
14:09It's Thursday, and Joyce isn't very well,
14:12and has been sick all morning.
14:14Hello, my buttercup, it's Barry here.
14:17Barry Dickens.
14:20When you said the formaldehyde was on the side,
14:23which side did you mean?
14:25It's just there's a lot of...
14:27Was that another beep?
14:28Hello, can you copy? Do you read me?
14:31Was that another...
14:32Hello, my buttercup!
14:34It's Barry, Barry Dickens.
14:36When you said the formaldehyde was on the side,
14:39which side did you mean?
14:42There's a lot of sides.
14:46That's it, my princess.
14:48Of course, usually the embalming process,
14:51well, that's Joyce's department.
14:53But like most things, I do take a keen interest.
14:57Have you got all the filming you need, Bobby?
14:59Cos I thought we could go for a couple of soaps
15:02and a nice pie, you know?
15:04Cos Joyce isn't around, so...
15:07Do you like fly-fishing, Bobby?
15:09No?
15:10Indian food, are you a fan?
15:13Do you speak French, Bobby?
15:15It's tough to answer cos of...
15:17the camera here.
15:19Just...
15:20What?
15:21Just death.
15:22It's half-past four
15:24and Joyce has decided to come into work.
15:27I think I know what it was.
15:29With that turkey roll, cos I gave something to Dog
15:32and she's a bit loose and all, so...
15:36Barry?
15:42Barry?
15:45Barry?
15:49Dickens, what are you doing?
15:50What are you staring at?
15:54Barry, what are you doing?
15:56Nothing, nothing, but...
15:58Bobby, just turn the camera off with...
16:01What's behind your back, Barry?
16:03Nothing, nothing at all.
16:04It's just a tree sandwich, Bobby.
16:07I'll ask you one more time, Barry Dickens.
16:09What is behind your back?
16:12This is...
16:13Gay!
16:15Grumble, Max.
16:16Grumble, Max?
16:18Yeah.
16:19In here?
16:20Of all places?
16:22And in front of Katie?
16:24Yeah.
16:25Dirty bastard!
16:28Unbelievable!
16:30Give her five minutes.
16:32Right, Joyce.
16:37Just put these back where they belong.
16:41Can you probably delete that bit, Bobby?
16:45Sure.
16:46Ga-ga-oo-la-la!
16:48What's your problem, Max?
17:11Pfft!
17:13Oh, that's right.
17:15Shh!
17:18I've found hundreds of mini-megabythons in the yeti bowl,
17:22squirming and squandering in the squish.
17:26Ghastly.
17:27At last, they're as fisticuffs at dawn
17:30as the tiny feathered dragons pluck from their spaghetti party.
17:35Trolls are close by.
17:37Ears to the ground.
17:39Shh!
17:43You know, and Monique is stranded in Malibu with hardly any cash.
17:46Madeline, Monique has not spoken a word to me
17:49since her real father asphyxiated in 89.
17:51Can you back your feet? Why are you dragging your feet?
17:53Because I'm acutely unhappy.
17:55Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.
17:56You know, I'm not exactly dancing on the fucking ceiling either.
17:59Hello!
18:00Me money to Los Angeles.
18:05Yeah, I just need to take you through security.
18:07Oh, you're a you-hoo-hoo.
18:09What's the password on the account?
18:11Oh, shit.
18:13I can't remember.
18:15Oh, gee, that's real swell.
18:17No, no. Um...
18:19Try asshole.
18:20Try fat.
18:21Balding.
18:22All of those.
18:23Try toxic breath and labial cysts.
18:26Try... That's not a cock, that's a skin tag.
18:28Try... I like little Mexican boys, you know?
18:30Try emergency hysterectomy.
18:33You know the problem with you, Norman?
18:34You're bland.
18:35You're so bland.
18:36Bland!
18:40You're even blander than bland, you know?
18:42You're like a piece of white bread with no...
18:46Good afternoon, everybody!
18:48Nobody move, nobody get searched!
18:50This is a robbery!
18:52Bland!
18:53Oh, my God.
18:54B-L-A-N-D.
18:56Bland.
18:57Evelyn, of all times, not now.
18:59Oh, not now?
19:01Oh, look at you, pathetic, with your clammy little ball bag
19:04stuck to the side of your thigh.
19:06You really should do something about that ball patch.
19:08You should get a tube.
19:09It's embarrassing.
19:11You know what?
19:12Actually, I left a number for the infomercial thing
19:14for the tube on the side in the kitchen.
19:16You should really look it up.
19:17They've got these little grey little plug-in things
19:19that can really match up the greys,
19:20and I really think it would be a good idea.
19:22Hi!
19:23Put the jewelry in the bag.
19:25Oh, sure, sure!
19:27Yeah.
19:28Come on, come on!
19:29Just take whatever you want, and please don't hurt me.
19:32You have breasts, Norman!
19:34Breasts!
19:35Breasts.
19:36It's a good one, isn't it?
19:38Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
19:39Oh, yeah.
19:40Or are you going to have to get this one?
19:42It's a clap.
19:43Oh, my God.
19:44Oh, my God.
19:45You know, when we're in bed together,
19:46I don't know whether to play with my tits or his.
19:50Oh, that's good.
19:51It's a good one.
19:52Watch.
19:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:54Give him the watch.
19:55Give him the watch.
19:56Give him the watch!
19:57Oh, you peed your pants!
19:58He's peed his pants!
19:59You missed yourself.
20:00Right, let's go, let's go!
20:02Come on, come on, let's go!
20:03What, you're leaving?
20:04Yes!
20:05Now?
20:06Yes!
20:07Oh, well, take me with you!
20:08It'll be okay, Norman.
20:11It'll be okay, Norman.
20:12Oh, my God!
20:13Wait for me!
20:15What the?
20:16Oh, God, this is so Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
20:19Ha ha, love it!
20:21Well, thank you!
20:23Put on your seatbelt.
20:24Oh, I'm sorry.
20:25Do your English accent, do it.
20:27What do you want me to say?
20:28Oh, stop it, stop it, one more time.
20:30What do you want me to say?
20:32Oh, it's beautiful.
20:33Are you a cockney?
20:39Tony!
20:40Tony!
20:42Is the camera rolling yet?
20:45Today's Bank Holiday Monday because of Jesus.
20:52We were...
20:53Nanny's gonna get breakfast in bed and then...
21:01In there like that.
21:03Oh, oh, oh.
21:08Oh, oh.
21:14Vitamin C.
21:17Look, you best to leave.
21:21It's stew.
21:25Mega.
21:27Add your milk into the tea.
21:31Like so.
21:40Grandad.
21:44Stephanie at school says that when she watches people kissing on the telly,
21:49her fanny beats.
21:51A touch...
21:54..of crack, crack pepper.
22:04Nice, leave it nice and tidy.
22:07For the next person who uses it.
22:10It's licking me, it's biting me, it's biting me.
22:13Filming, Grandad!
22:16This is the plate for the toast.
22:21CRUNCH
22:26SCREAM
22:35Nanna, wakey, wakey.
22:39Rise and shine.
22:45Nanna.
22:47Nanna.
22:51Nanna.
22:57Jesus made you breakfast.
23:21Ah!
23:23Oh, that's nice.
23:24Tiki!
23:26Tiki time!
23:27Tiki, tiki time!