#BigSchool #BritishSitcom #UKComedy #ClassyComedy #BritishHumor #BBCComedy #SchoolComedy #SitcomSeries #UKTelevision #ModernSitcom #BritishTV #TVComedy #SitcomFans #BritishComedyGold #UKTV #ComedyShow #BritishActors #TVSeries #ComedySeries #BritishSitcoms #BritishTVShow #ClassyBritishHumor #SitcomScenes #ModernBritishTV #ComedyGold #UKSitcom #TVSitcom #BritishTVComedy #SitcomMoments #BritishTelevision #ComedyLovers #TVHumor #SchoolSitcom #SitcomClassic #BritishClassics #UKTVShow #ComedyFans #TVComedyShow #BritishTVComedyShow #SitcomEpisodes #UKComedySeries #BritishActorsComedy #SitcomLovers #ClassicBritishTV #ComedyScenes #BritishTVSeries #SitcomCulture #BritishEntertainment #TVClassics #UKHumor #BritishTVFans #SitcomHumor #ComedyTV #BritishComedyFans #ModernComedy #BritishSitcomFans #UKComedyGold #BritishTVHistory #ComedyEpisodes #TVShow #UKEntertainment #ComedyCulture #SitcomWatch #BritishComedySeries #BritishClassyComedy #UKTelevisionComedy #ComedyHistory #SitcomHistory #UKTVComedy #BritishTelevisionComedy #ComedyShowFans #ClassicUKComedy #BritishSitcomCulture #SitcomSeriesUK #UKComedyShow #BritishTVEntertainment #ComedyGoldMoments #SitcomClassicMoments #BritishComedyShow #UKSitcomCulture #ComedySitcom #ModernBritishComedy #UKTVFans #BritishSitcomEpisodes #UKClassicComedy #ComedySeriesFans #BritishSitcomCulture #TVClassicComedy #SitcomTelevision #BritishHumorTV #ComedyMoments #BritishTVClassic #ComedyActors #SitcomCultureUK #SitcomWatchers #BritishSitcomHistory #TVHumorUK
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Now, as it's Friday afternoon, I have a special treat for you.
00:05This little experiment I like to call Elephant's Toothpaste.
00:09All I do is mix some hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodide
00:13and pour it into a beaker of ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid.
00:18Ready?
00:20Yes.
00:21BELL RINGS
00:23Can we go now?
00:25Yes.
00:30Right, Pat, we'd better get this cleaned up.
00:39I didn't get any of it.
00:41Thank you, Pat. Thank you.
00:43MUSIC PLAYS
01:01MUSIC CONTINUES
01:10What's the matter, bro?
01:15What are you doing?
01:17I think a deal's about to go down. Get in.
01:21DOOR OPENS
01:28A drugs deal? Yes.
01:31There's no need to whisper while we're in the car, actually.
01:34Just pop your seat back so you don't get spotted.
01:39Didn't know it went back this far.
01:42Yes, that lad there was expelled last year for possessing the drugs.
01:47One expulsion, plus nothing.
01:49In my last school, there was double that.
01:51We had a very serious drugs problem.
01:53I think you'll find it's worse at this school.
01:55It was an epidemic. Well, here, it's a pandemic.
01:57Well, let's just agree that it's a sad fact that drugs are an issue in all schools.
02:01Particularly this one. And the one I used to work at.
02:04Anyway...
02:07KNOCK AT DOOR
02:08Come in.
02:10It's about the trampoline. I've absolutely no idea how they got on eBay.
02:13Mr Gummer, I've summoned you here
02:15because Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.
02:18Drugs. What?
02:20You've been buying drugs from a drugs pusher and you've got drugs.
02:24No, I haven't.
02:26The camera never lies.
02:27Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn?
02:30Oh, that, yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um...
02:33I wasn't buying drugs. I was confiscating them.
02:36Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn, why did you give the boy money?
02:43Cos he was collecting for a Blue Peter appeal.
02:46Boulderdash, Mr Gunn. Boulderdash.
02:50If you care to leave us now, Mr Church.
02:52I'm certainly headmistress.
02:59Boulderdash!
03:05Empty your pockets.
03:16Empty your pockets.
03:26Shh, shh, shh, shh.
03:28I can still hear chattering.
03:30Thank you. I have some very important news.
03:34Mr Gunn has been sacked.
03:36Ah, so they've finally found him
03:38watching dirty movies in the computer room, eh?
03:40It must be for siphoning petrol out of the minibus.
03:43What? Where's the bickies? I've got the munchies.
03:46But you've been sacked.
03:49Oh, I don't think so.
03:51And you reek of drugs.
03:53Well, I have to know what I'm dealing with, don't I?
03:56Oh, this is a dark day for the school, a very dark day.
04:03Is this your Scotch egg?
04:05You know damn well it's my Scotch egg.
04:13Oh.
04:22That is deeply offensive.
04:24Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy.
04:29You've just missed her.
04:31Where is she?
04:32Knit to the garage to get some Jaffa cakes.
04:44We need to get across the anti-drugs message to the kids.
04:47Well, then a song would be perfect.
04:49We just need to find one that tells the kids the drugs don't work.
04:52They just make it work.
04:54Yes, exactly.
04:55I'll do some research online,
04:57see if anyone's written one with that kind of message.
05:02I thought you'd bought a packed lunch today.
05:04I did, but my Scotch egg was despoiled.
05:07Oh, I'm sorry.
05:09I thought you'd bought a packed lunch today.
05:11I did, but my Scotch egg was despoiled.
05:14And I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.
05:17All right, Keith, you a music fan?
05:19I like the early stuff.
05:20Luke and I are going to sing an anti-drugs song in assembly.
05:23It'll mainly be me.
05:24I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals.
05:26In the business, we call them BVs.
05:28Otherwise you'd forever be saying backing vocals, backing vocals,
05:31backing vocals, when it's much quicker to say BVs.
05:33You don't want to waste everyone's time.
05:35Yes, we get the picture.
05:36Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player...
05:38Oboe's not really part of my sound.
05:40Quite often. Why?
05:42Well, I'd hate for you to get a reputation.
05:44A reputation as what?
05:46As a woman who has many partners.
05:50I can't help it if every male member of staff
05:52and one female member of staff find me attractive.
05:58You need to clear your own tray.
06:09I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir.
06:12I admire the cut of your jib, Grandmaster Nicholas,
06:16but I'm not sure you'd bargained on me doing...
06:20this.
06:22I had.
06:26Which is an excellent juncture to end today's chess club.
06:30I was one move away from checkmate.
06:32Now, I need your help with something.
06:34Put the board away and get to work.
06:36I need your help with something.
06:38Put the board away and meet me in the computer room.
06:42I just want you to know that I've walked in your shoes.
06:46Metaphorically.
06:48You what?
06:50I'm an addict, too.
06:52What are you addicted to?
06:54Highlighter pens.
06:56Sniffing them?
06:58No, highlighting things.
07:00It got to the stage where I'd highlighted everything.
07:02There was nothing left to highlight.
07:04Books, magazines, newspapers, receipts, phone cards,
07:07those little bibles that you find in hotels.
07:09It all just became one luminous blur of colours.
07:13Sounds like a nightmare.
07:15Well, it's worse than a nightmare, Trevor, because it's real.
07:19Or something had to change.
07:21That's when my sponsors suggested that I just use the...
07:27I've done a bit of research online and I've printed this out for you.
07:34Had a bit of a relapse.
07:42Oh, there you are, Nicholas.
07:44Yes, I need you to help me get onto Facebook.
07:47Yes.
07:49Is there an application form I need to print out?
07:52No, I've done it. You're on Facebook.
07:54Oh, that was quick.
07:56Ah, you've already got a friend request.
07:59Dear God.
08:01Shall I accept?
08:03What's the name of that new French teacher?
08:05Miss Boston. Yes, well, it'd be nice to add her.
08:08I've sent her a request.
08:17Well, she's taking an awfully long time about it.
08:19I'm sorry, sir, my mum's picking me up now.
08:21Oh, yes, yes.
08:24Sir, can I ask your advice about something?
08:27I'm sorry, Nicholas, this is chess club,
08:29so if it's not something to do with chess, it's inappropriate.
08:46Morning, Sarah.
08:48Sarah, I sent you a friend request on Facebook
08:52and would be delighted if you choose to accept.
08:54Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science.
08:59Oh, right, OK.
09:08There. Done.
09:10I was just wondering when's a good time to get together
09:12to discuss the drafts and chess club merger?
09:14Oh, we can discuss it now if you want.
09:16Well, there's quite a lot of ground to cover.
09:18I think it's best we do it out of school time.
09:20I'm not earwigging. I'm just toasting some gluten-free bread.
09:23Carry on.
09:25Um, when were you thinking?
09:28Well, I was thinking perhaps, um...
09:30Yes?
09:32Well, I was thinking...
09:33I just want you to know I have not told a soul
09:36what I saw the pair of you getting up to in the car yesterday.
09:39We just reclined the seats.
09:41HE LAUGHS
09:42You don't need to pretend with me.
09:44Don't worry, I kept still.
09:48Sarah, Miss Brown wants to see you.
09:51What about?
09:53Dogging.
09:59What are these chairs doing here?
10:01Don't you have a bloody knock?
10:02Oh, you're a disgrace.
10:04Oh, am I?
10:05Yeah, it's not just yourself, but the PE department
10:08and the entire teaching fraternity.
10:10You want to watch your back, Churchill?
10:12Watch what?
10:13One of these days you might wake up with a horse's head in your bed.
10:16Where would you get a horse's head from?
10:18Safeways.
10:20I know the fella that works the meat slice.
10:23Degenerate!
10:25Oi! Oi!
10:26You're a degenerate!
10:29Degenerate!
10:31Oi! Oi!
10:32You're a degenerate!
10:34HE SIGHS
10:55Well, Miss Poston?
10:57Miss Poston?
10:59Nearly with you.
11:01Almost there.
11:04Here I am.
11:06Hello, Keith.
11:07Best not to use first names in front of the children.
11:09All right.
11:11Well, I was just dashing off to teach 9C.
11:14Just wondered if you'd had a chance to digest my latest message.
11:17I'll just check now, shall I?
11:22Here it is.
11:24Do you see her?
11:26Trust you are.
11:29Drafts and chess merger...
11:31Saturday night.
11:33I'm never free on a Saturday night.
11:35Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.
11:37Except this Saturday night.
11:39Oh! Wonderful.
11:41Shall I, er, lay on a spread?
11:43Oh, just some nibbles.
11:45Shall I come over after Strictly?
11:47Which I usually have to record because I'm always out.
11:49Oh.
11:51Why don't we watch Strictly together and then discuss the merger?
11:54Oh! Are you into Strictly?
11:56I think the standard this year is the best ever.
11:59I was going to say it myself. The standard this year is the best ever.
12:02The judges say every year, but this time it is actually true.
12:05Oh, those judges, they do say it.
12:07Oh, I'm so glad you're following it.
12:09Who do you think's going to win?
12:11Oh, there's a question.
12:13Who's going to...
12:18Not seen it, have you?
12:20No.
12:27MUSIC PLAYS
12:30DOORBELL RINGS
12:39Sausage roll?
12:41Hello.
12:43Hello. Would you like a sausage roll?
12:45Not right now. I'll probably take my coat off first.
12:48Oh, yes.
12:53The toilet's there if you need it.
12:55I don't at the moment.
12:57You'll probably be needing it later.
13:01Sandwich?
13:03Well, that's a lot of food.
13:05Just a cold buffet. Pickled egg?
13:07Is it all for us?
13:09Anything we don't eat tonight, I'll just graze on during the week.
13:15It is quite annoying with you constantly asking questions and making comments.
13:19Sorry, I won't say another thing.
13:21What a feeling! What a dance!
13:24Has Ian there got a wife?
13:26No, of course he hasn't got a wife. He's gay.
13:29I don't know who's gay and who isn't gay.
13:31Well, does it matter if he's gay?
13:33It doesn't matter if he's gay. I just can't keep up with who's gay and who isn't gay these days.
13:36Could you please be quiet? I'm being quiet.
13:38Shh!
13:44So is the one on the other end gay?
13:46Yeah. Yeah. They're all gay.
13:49Everyone on the show is gay.
13:51Everyone on TV is gay, all right?
13:59No, no, no. I would like another drink of wine, no, please.
14:06Here we go. Saving it for a special occasion.
14:09Turnip liqueur.
14:12God!
14:14That is quite woody.
14:17That'll be the turnips.
14:19I'm just making another trip to the cold buffet.
14:22Can I get you anything?
14:24Are there any chipolatas left?
14:27There's a few.
14:29Oh.
14:33Oh, I love this song.
14:36Check out Patrick Swayze.
14:38Oh, check out the lady in the film.
14:43Put the chipolatas down.
14:50Oh, we haven't discussed the merger.
14:52What?
14:53The chess and draughts type merger.
14:55Oh, well, do you want to do it?
14:58No, I don't want to do it.
15:00Shall we do the lift?
15:02Well, how much do you weigh?
15:04That's quite a personal question.
15:06Well, it's more of a physics question.
15:08That and Einstein, too, but I've got quite a lot in my pocket.
15:11Give it a go.
15:21Oh, I love this song.
15:23Put the chipolatas down.
15:25Oh, check out the lady in the film.
15:28Oh!
15:34Oh, go away! We're doing dirty dancing!
15:37I should just go and see who it is.
15:44Pop me down.
15:46Oh, some chipolatas there to keep you going.
15:53What's going on, Churchy?
15:55Oh, we're here for the party.
15:57There is no party.
15:59Don't worry, sir. I'm in the bowl.
16:01Let them in!
16:03Oh, wicked. What, a scotch-ex?
16:05Oh, well, leave some for your French teacher.
16:17Why are you all here?
16:19You invited us, sir.
16:22I did no such thing!
16:24Yeah, you did. On Facebook.
16:26What?!
16:44Sir, it's not budging.
16:46Nanny, what are you doing with my oboe?
16:48Just trying to unblock your bug, sir.
16:50Come on, let's have a dance.
16:53Miss, why are you dancing with Mr Church?
16:55You're boning him!
16:57Well, I don't think that's biologically possible.
16:59Come on! Let's show them how to par-tay!
17:06Oh! Hello, Pat.
17:13Right. What are you doing?
17:15Have a bit of quiet, please.
17:17What are you doing?
17:19I can still hear talking.
17:21Put the music back on!
17:23Don't be so boring, Kee!
17:26Not in front of the children!
17:28His name's Kee!
17:30Kee! Kee! Kee! Kee!
17:32Kee! Kee! Kee! Kee!
17:34Come on, it's Saturday night!
17:36Let's go bonkers!
17:38You're actually kind of cool, Miss.
17:40Don't sound so surprised.
17:42I actually listen to Radio One in the mornings, you know.
17:44Do you want to talk, Miss?
17:46Yeah.
17:48Let's have a talk.
17:51It's possible.
17:59Look, Miss Barron, it's all over the Internet.
18:01This is awful.
18:03He's even put it on his Facebook.
18:05Yes, well, I think we know how that got there.
18:07And I've even heard that someone sent it to the local paper.
18:09Headmistress, I can explain everything.
18:11I think it's too late for that.
18:13I mean, really, Mr Church, hosting a drugs party?
18:16I was not hosting a drugs party.
18:18Were there any other members of staff present?
18:21No, just me and a very generous cold spread.
18:24The spread is of no interest to me.
18:26I'm more interested in this picture of you holding a joint.
18:30The camera never lies.
18:32Well, on this very specific occasion, the camera did lie,
18:35because although I'm holding the, um...
18:37Ganja.
18:39Ganja. I did not take a toke.
18:41Heard that? Ganja, toke, knows all the lingo, doesn't he?
18:44Did any money change hands?
18:46No, of course not.
18:47Dealing drugs, that's even worse. You should make a note of that.
18:49Yes, thank you, Mr Gunn. You can leave us now.
18:56Should I announce he's been sacked or, um...
18:58Thank you.
19:06Yes!
19:09Headmistress, I feel my position at the school has become untenable
19:12and I would like to tender my resignation.
19:14No, I've got a better idea.
19:16You can talk to the whole school about the dangers of drug addiction.
19:19But I'm not a drug addict. I've never even taken drugs.
19:22Everybody's seen the picture.
19:24I think the children would really benefit from hearing at length
19:27about your drug's hell.
19:31The drugs don't work
19:34They just make you worse
19:36And I know I'll see your face again
19:41No, the drugs don't work
19:44They just make you worse
19:47But I know I'll see your face again
20:01Despite this school's very strong anti-drug stance,
20:05as you know, any drugs found...
20:07I'm sorry, you've got the blame for all of this.
20:09Oh, please don't be.
20:11Maybe I should say something.
20:13One of the teaching staff has been unmasked as a drugs fiend.
20:18Would they please now stand up?
20:20First, I became addicted to Hall Soothers.
20:23That was just a gateway to the harder stuff.
20:25Mr Church!
20:27Oh, sorry. Forget I said that.
20:38Yes, I am a drugs addict.
20:41I'm always getting drugged up on the drugs.
20:49First, I enjoyed taking the drugs.
20:52I thought I could fly.
20:54I started seeing things. Pink elephants.
21:00Pink elephants on parade.
21:03Then I realised I was high and I wanted to get high again.
21:07Soon I would do anything to get high on the drugs
21:11and even considered selling my body.
21:16As a result, I've let myself down.
21:19I've let the teachers down.
21:21I've let various members of the administrative staff down.
21:24But most of all, I've let you down.
21:28The kids.
21:31You've lost a role model.
21:33It's her drugs.
21:35Don't do them, yeah?
21:37I'm sorry.
21:57And your speech?
21:59Surprisingly powerful.
22:01Well, I feel like I've finally conquered my demons.
22:05Remember, you've never actually taken drugs.
22:08Let's not spoil it for the children.
22:18Scarface!
22:20Stoner!
22:23Keeping it real, indeedy.
22:26Starting off with the Methadone.
22:30Who do you think wrote that song?
22:32We need to rehearse Juliet and Romeo.
22:34Shut the names, well done.
22:36Shacklespear must be rolling in his grave.
22:40Boozer!