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00:30Right, that concludes this morning's briefing.
00:33Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
00:35And never forget that in the grand order of life,
00:38there are but two forces,
00:40those of order and those of chaos.
00:43And between them, there lies us, the thin blue line.
00:47So that's three forces, then.
00:51Two forces, Constable Goody, as I've explained,
00:53the forces of order and of chaos.
00:55Yes, and us in the middle, the police force.
01:01Yes, I think we'd better pick this up again later.
01:03You're all due out of action.
01:06Dear, oh, dear, Raymond,
01:08why do you blue bottles bother?
01:11The uniform, Constable, is obsolete.
01:14Extinct. Like the doo-doo.
01:20Computers, sir. That's where it's all rocking, innit?
01:23That's right, Cray.
01:25In the shadowy electronic alleyways of the internet,
01:29a new type of villain lurks.
01:32Right. How is our investigation into stolen credit cards going?
01:36All in the computer, sir.
01:38The way to stop credit cards being stolen
01:40is for people to take care of their property.
01:43I'd like to meet the man who could get inside my trousers.
01:47What is more, my officers are far from being doo-doos.
01:50Or, indeed, do-doos.
01:52They are, in fact, first-rate.
01:55Smart of eye, swift of thought, and regular of bowel.
02:00They don't need computers to solve crimes
02:02because they have brains, Grim, remember them?
02:06Now, Bobby's best friend is his brain.
02:13Well, it's pretty clear. He got in through the window.
02:16Unless, of course, the window was broken
02:19after the villain's gained entry broken from within.
02:23You mean an inside job?
02:24Well, you've got to admit, it would all fit.
02:25What? That he robbed his own flat?
02:27Exactly. Insurance claim, Maggie. It's a nice little...
02:31All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.
02:33Do you reckon that after he smashed it,
02:35he went outside, picked up all the bits and brought them back in?
02:41It's possible.
02:43His fingers are cut up, we've got our man.
02:46Get your notebook out, Kevin.
02:47Yes, yes, yes.
02:49Now then, sir, I know you're upset.
02:51Whoops!
02:53Kevin!
02:56I think you've got some idea of what's been taken and their value.
02:59What's been taken?
03:00My self-respect?
03:02My peace of mind?
03:04My sense of well-being?
03:06Could you describe these items, please, sir?
03:11They are beyond value!
03:13Told you. Mega insurance claim.
03:16And what are you lot going to do? This has ruined my life!
03:19We'll do our best, sir.
03:20But the clear-up rate for burglars is so...
03:22I don't know why I even bothered calling you lot out.
03:25You're about as much use as a tin-tac in a jockstrap.
03:31Name?
03:32Can't remember.
03:35Mr. R. So...
03:41I mean, the bloke was devastated.
03:43Everything he had had been defiled.
03:45Photos smashed, clothes torn.
03:48They even did a whoopsie in his goldfish bowl.
03:51And there's nothing we can do.
03:52You can fish it out.
03:55Pat, you've got to learn to walk away.
03:58It's more to life than being a copper.
04:00I don't know how you can say that.
04:02You're virtually married to the force going out with Inspector Fowler.
04:05He doesn't care about anything but the police.
04:07Oh, I'm sorry, Pat. I didn't mean that...
04:09I know very well what you meant, Maggie.
04:11And you're wrong.
04:12Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.
04:19I think I've got a slow puncture.
04:23Oh, well, another evening spread out on the kitchen table,
04:26wrestling with my inner tube.
04:30We've been together ten years, Maggie.
04:32It can't all be candlelit dinner,
04:34jars of Vaseline and double-jointed sexual gymnastics.
04:38My turn to cook tonight, I think, darling.
04:40I thought I might make rissoles.
04:44Actually, tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of our relationship.
04:47I'm going to surprise him with a special breakfast.
04:50Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.
04:56Wake up, Raymond. Breakfast.
04:58What? Oh!
05:00Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.
05:03What's all this?
05:05Oh, well, well. Coffee? Toast?
05:08Or something which at some point has certainly been toast.
05:13And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.
05:17You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle.
05:23People worry too much about how food looks.
05:25I mean, what's it going to look like
05:27after it's worked its way through 28 feet of small intestine?
05:35Well, quite.
05:39Perhaps a smidgen too much salt.
05:41There isn't any salt in it.
05:43I'm afraid there is.
05:44Well, in that case, I put sugar on your bacon and eggs.
05:48Those Habitat serving jars I put everything in.
05:51You can't tell one thing from another.
05:54Well, I can never force much down in the morning anyway.
05:57Except perhaps a cup of coffee.
05:59Well, it's only instant.
06:04In this case, instant gravy.
06:08Another mix-up with the serving jars, I fear, my darling.
06:12Oh, well, never mind.
06:14All in all, it was a very nice, um...
06:17thought.
06:19I can't imagine what moved you to such a splendid gesture.
06:23Can't you?
06:27No, no, no, I fear not.
06:29But it's much appreciated anyway.
06:31Now, I really must rush.
06:33I have a small gift item to pick up.
06:35I have a small gift item to pick up before work.
06:38Oh, Peachy, you did remember, haven't you?
06:43Well, of course I remembered, Cabbage.
06:47I always remember the important things.
06:52Cutting edge of technology, cutting edge of fannying about.
06:55What's wrong with a biro? That's what I say.
06:58I've booted up and I've patched in.
07:00I'm online, offline, downloaded and extremely cheesed off.
07:06You need to integrate your power supply at Salsa.
07:09What?
07:11Plug it in.
07:15And so, to the topic of the day, which is pickpocketing.
07:19Oh, by the way, I'll just leave the collecting tin
07:21for the Queen's birthday present here, shall I?
07:24About three pounds apiece should cover it.
07:27Excuse me, sir, I didn't quite catch that.
07:30The collecting tin for the Queen's official birthday,
07:33which is next week.
07:35But, of course, you all knew that.
07:37We are members of Her Majesty's police force.
07:41The Queen is, in effect, our boss.
07:44And compared to many bosses, she is a model employer.
07:48She does not attempt to kiss the secretaries at the Christmas party.
07:54She does not insist on having the best coffee mug
07:57or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.
08:01She's had a pretty rotten time a bit of late
08:03and I thought it'd be a nice thing to show her that she's appreciated.
08:06Personally, I think celebrating birthdays at work is a bad idea.
08:10Yes, well, on this occasion...
08:12I mean, that awful business of going for a curry
08:15with people you either don't know or you don't like.
08:18Yes, yes, well...
08:20And there is nothing to do but drink.
08:22So, before you know it, you're doing the old elephant impression.
08:26And everyone else in the restaurant hates you
08:28because, quite frankly, they couldn't give a flying hoo-ha
08:31whether the birthday girl lives or dies.
08:35Well, I wasn't really thinking of taking Her Majesty for a curry.
08:41What's your elephant impression, Frank?
08:43Well, you put your trousers pockets inside out, you see?
08:51I have, in fact, already taken the liberty of purchasing her a gift.
08:55A small porcelain figurine...
08:59of a young lad fishing.
09:04Well, the collecting tin is there, as I say. It's very much up to you.
09:08I don't want to buy the Queen a present, sir.
09:11She's an antichrist.
09:16I beg your pardon?
09:20Oh, no, I mean amicus.
09:23No, no.
09:25What's that word for someone who's out of date and doesn't matter any more?
09:29I think you mean an anachronism.
09:31Yes, that's right. The Queen's an anachronism.
09:33I thought that was someone who was scared of spiders.
09:36No, no, that's an arachnophobic.
09:38I thought that was a person who was scared of wide open spaces.
09:41No, that's agoraphobics. They can't handle going outside.
09:44Arachnophobics hate spiders.
09:46Look, look, we're talking about the Queen.
09:49Is the Queen scared of spiders?
09:52Well, you wouldn't have thought she was beginning to look that way.
09:55Perhaps that's why she's scared to go outside.
10:00Can you spare Habib a moment?
10:02Yes, of course. Carry on, Constable.
10:06Thank you, darling.
10:08Not darling. Inspector darling.
10:13Sorry. I'm just so happy, so excited.
10:17Will you give it me after work?
10:23Possibly. I don't know.
10:25No, no, don't spoil it.
10:27I only get one once a year and I want it to be a surprise.
10:39No, sir. I'm afraid we haven't made any progress at all.
10:42I'm very sorry.
10:44People don't matter any more, do they?
10:46I didn't matter to the bloke who robbed me and I don't matter to you.
10:50Sir, please. We really are trying.
10:55So, pickpocketing.
10:57Come on, come on, come on.
11:00A crime which has traditionally been looked upon with some indulgence.
11:04We have all seen the musical Oliver
11:07and are familiar with the images of jolly apple-cheeked urchins in big hats.
11:14Well, dispel this cosy impression.
11:16The artful Dodger was a thief.
11:19And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so at home
11:24in a juvenile detention centre, which is where I'd have put him.
11:28Thieving is thieving.
11:30And no amount of oom-pah-pah or boom-titty-titty would change that.
11:35An Englishman's pockets are his castle.
11:38More like a pocket billiard room.
11:40More like a pocket billiard room.
11:43Detective Constable Cray,
11:45there is a place for fatuous, flippant, would-be humorous inanities.
11:49And that place is on Noel's house party.
11:55Not in a police station.
11:57Yes, sir.
11:59Right, so let's see how it's done.
12:01Step forward, Constable Goodie.
12:06Walk towards me.
12:08Oops, I do beg your pardon.
12:09Oh, it's quite all right, sir.
12:11Not all right for you, I fear, Goodie,
12:13because I have relieved you of the contents of your pocket.
12:17In this case, a Mars bar.
12:21Constable Goodie, a Mars bar is scarcely police equipment, is it?
12:26No, sir.
12:27No, sir, indeed, sir.
12:29Are there any other items of confectionery secreted about your personal?
12:34No, sir.
12:36And by that you mean...?
12:39I've got a Curly Wurly in my truncheon pocket.
12:44Well, in that case, get it out before it melts and soils the Queen's trousers.
12:49It's not going to melt, is it, sir? It's going to get eaten.
12:52Great jangling Jehovah, it is not!
12:54I've never heard of such a thing.
12:56I will not have my officers gorging themselves whilst I'm duly handed over.
13:00Now, sit down.
13:03Now, let's see if any of you can pick my pocket.
13:11You're not going to do the elephant in that, are you?
13:19I could not be deeded, making me fish my Curly Wurly out of my trousers.
13:23He's going potty, is he not?
13:25Fancy rushing to the toilet, sir?
13:27He's going potty, he is, you know.
13:29Fancy rushing out before work to buy a present for the Queen,
13:33but she never gives him anything.
13:37I'm trying to trace missing credit cards.
13:39Yeah, the deals are being done with stolen credit.
13:41Yeah, yeah. Pepperoni.
13:45Anchovies.
13:47Spicy sausage and chilli.
13:49Constable Craig, this is a bleeding nick, not a bleeding cafeteria.
13:52Nothing for you then, sir?
13:53No, nothing for me.
13:55Just a bit of cheesecake and a can of diet milk.
14:02Oh, come on.
14:05You've been going on about this all morning.
14:07He only pinched your Mars bar.
14:09It was for her.
14:11What?
14:12That Mars bar was for the most beautiful,
14:14the most gorgeous woman who ever walked the Earth.
14:18You bought Gloria Honey for a Mars bar?
14:22Constable Habib. I bought Constable Habib a Mars bar.
14:26She likes Mars bars. I saw her eating one once.
14:28I've seen her eating sausage, egg, chips and beans.
14:30That doesn't mean if you buy her a fry-up, you'll get your leg over.
14:35No, no, no, no, no. Maggi Habib's not a little girl.
14:38You can't win her with sweets.
14:40She's a woman.
14:42And if you want to impress a woman,
14:44you have to act like a man.
14:46Act like a man.
14:47That's right, sir.
14:49She won't take any notice of you unless you're firm.
14:54That's how I treated my wife.
14:56Firm. Mm-hm.
14:58One day I said to her,
15:00if I feel like stopping all drinking, I will.
15:03And what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home.
15:06She took notice of that, did she?
15:08I don't know. I never saw her again.
15:14Engaged again?
15:16What's the point of belonging to the emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline
15:22if whenever you ring them, they're engaged?
15:27Raymond, have you bought a birthday present for the Queen?
15:31Yes. Is there a problem?
15:33When did you last buy me a present?
15:35Why, on your last birthday, I believe.
15:37A set of reversible spanners is not a present!
15:41It is a coded request to get a smack in the mouth!
15:44You idiot, Raymond!
15:46Police stations don't send loyal greetings to the monarch any more.
15:49The Queen and her whole family have become a joke.
15:52You've only got to read the papers.
15:55Get on with your work, Constable.
15:57I do not read the papers, Patricia.
15:59And therefore I do not suffer from the illusion that rumour, innuendo and downright cheek constitute news.
16:05If you want to read something, then read a book.
16:08For there is more that is true and relevant in one page of Scott or Thackeray than in every newspaper ever printed.
16:15You haven't read any Walter Scott in years.
16:18Or any flippin' Thackeray.
16:20You read Biggles books!
16:22And you make slurping noises in your cocoa while you do it!
16:35Is that true, sir?
16:37Well, I don't know.
16:39Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.
16:42No, I mean, do you still read Biggles?
16:44That's what my little brother's reading at the moment.
16:46Then he could do a very great deal worse.
16:49Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true.
16:53About loyalty, courage, honour...
16:57Gay love.
16:58Yes.
17:02I beg your pardon?
17:03Well, of course, sir.
17:04Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
17:06That's the obvious.
17:07I think it's great they were.
17:09They make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership.
17:17Biggles and Ginger are comrades, Constable Havey.
17:24Comrades in arms.
17:26Exactly.
17:29I am stunned, Constable Havey.
17:30Absolutely stunned.
17:31And indeed distressed.
17:32That you choose to apply such a crass and puerile sexual connotation to innocent adventure yarns.
17:38Oh, come on, sir.
17:39They're grown men.
17:40They must have a sexual life, but neither of them ever mention women.
17:44They bunk together, breakfast together.
17:46Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's...
17:48Cockpit.
17:51It's obvious.
17:53It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson.
17:58Two blokes sharing a flat.
18:00Sometimes it's months between cases.
18:02What do they get up to in the meantime?
18:06They chat.
18:09They smoke their pipes.
18:12They poke the fire.
18:18Look, sir, if Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what?
18:21Is there anything wrong with that?
18:23Yes, Constable, there is.
18:25Because sex plays no part in these stories whatsoever.
18:29Hetero or otherwise.
18:31The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes is to solve crimes and kill Germans.
18:37And by heaven, that should be enough for any man.
18:46I'm taking up a collection for the Queen's birthday present.
18:49Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about with presents and Biggles.
18:54Me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work.
18:58My officers and I.
19:01What about them?
19:03Nothing about them. I'm simply informing you that the phrase is my officers and I, not me and my officers.
19:09Is that so?
19:11Well, me and my officers are on the brink of tracking down a bank raid gang via credit card transactions,
19:18which is, I think, a bit more important than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity.
19:24The rules of drama, hoity-toity or otherwise, are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed
19:30and, more importantly, generally understood.
19:32Start stringing words together willy-nilly and it can lead to no end of confusion.
19:36Constable Gray, lend me your notebook.
19:38Look here. The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick.
19:45Jumble up the words and suddenly you have the criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran.
19:52Is that so?
19:55Well, try these words in a different order. Bugger and off.
20:00I mean off and bugger and off.
20:09Now, remember what I said, Kevin. Act like a man. Be firm, be masterful.
20:13So, basically, just be myself.
20:21Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime. Get back on the pavement. Get back on the pavement.
20:27Hang on a minute. Would you mind telling me what...
20:29Hang on a minute. Don't pop it.
20:31Not this time.
20:40Crime's a disease. Meet the cure.
20:43That's my grandson. He's helping me carry my shopping.
20:47Squash my plums, Gran.
20:50Don't be silly, love. I didn't buy any plums.
20:57Hello? Is that the emergency lost credit card in St Speedy Hotline?
21:02Yes, I can hold.
21:08Hello? Yes. Yes, I'd like to report the loss of my credit cards.
21:13First, however, I should like to point out that the words emergency, instant and speedy have no place in your company title.
21:23Infuriating, yes. Tawdry, certainly.
21:25Absolutely blinking outrageous. Oh, I think so.
21:28No, madam, I will not accept your apology because I do not believe that you mean it.
21:32I believe that you are indifferent to the fact that I've just had to listen to the Mull of Kintyre seven times.
21:40Hello? Hello?
21:44Sir? I've triced that missing credit card.
21:49You're going to love this.
21:52Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, fine.
22:02That was the worst beat I have ever been on. It was like being on patrol with a flipping 2-year-old.
22:07Look, he was a funny-looking old bloke hanging around at a school gate.
22:12I had to collar him.
22:14Kevin, he was a lollipop man.
22:17Just keep out of my way for a while, OK?
22:22That's it. I'm just wasting me time.
22:25I think I'm going to pack it in. I'm going to leave the force.
22:28I've just had a call from the fire brigade. They're in the high street.
22:31A man is threatening suicide from the ledge of a tall building.
22:33I'm going to attend the scene myself.
22:35Well, that'll make him jump. Nothing else does.
22:38Hospital Habib, I may require a woman officer.
22:41Kindly come with me.
22:42Yes, sir.
22:47I reckon she hates me now.
22:49I reckon she thinks I'm a pranit.
22:51Oh, yeah? How'd you work that out, then?
22:53Well, it was something she said.
22:55She said, I hate you, Kevin. I think you're a pranit.
22:58Look, you've got to grovel a bit, ain't you?
23:01The birds love it.
23:02You've got to say, listen, doll, I was a real pillock.
23:05Then bung her the champagne and the chockies and steam in for the bunker.
23:09Right.
23:10Champagne and chocolates.
23:12Yeah, gets them every time, doesn't it?
23:14The draw-dropper. The knicker-stripper.
23:20Excuse me, sir. Would you mind coming in off this ledge?
23:24Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you?
23:28Nobody respects me. Nobody cares about me.
23:31I'm a nothing.
23:32A nobody.
23:34Friendless and alone.
23:36But the same thing could be said about the Prime Minister.
23:41And he leads a full and active life.
23:44Give me one good reason not to jump!
23:47All right, I will.
23:49That is a public pavement down there.
23:52Others have to use that pavement.
23:55And they should not be required to circumnavigate your pureed person in order to do so.
24:00May I speak to him, sir?
24:02Oh, very well. I seem to have exhausted my powers of persuasion.
24:08Ron, remember me?
24:09You say nobody cares about you.
24:11That's a lie.
24:13I decided to leave the police today.
24:15Because of you.
24:17And how we could do nothing to help.
24:19Is that true?
24:20Yes, Constable Habib, is that true?
24:22It was true.
24:23But I can see now, it would just be running away.
24:26Just like you're running away now.
24:28The bloke who did your house over isn't going to make me run.
24:32And you shouldn't let him make you either.
24:34He took your video, but he can't take your spirit.
24:38You have to give that away yourself.
24:43For God's sake, man, what are you waiting for?
24:45I've never heard anything so well put in my entire life.
24:48Get off that ledge this instant.
24:53I was extremely proud of you today, Constable Habib.
24:56It wasn't your fault the silly fool jumped.
25:01Inspector Fowler, you are under arrest.
25:05I beg your pardon, Inspector Grim.
25:07A credit card belonging to you has been used to hire a car
25:11which was subsequently deployed in a drug deal.
25:14You know damn well that my pocket was picked.
25:16My credit cards were taken.
25:17Is that so? Well, it hasn't been reported stolen, has it, Greg?
25:21No, sir.
25:22So when did you discover the loss of this credit card then, sir?
25:25Well, this morning at the briefing.
25:27And yet you still haven't reported it eight hours later?
25:30Well, I've been trying. They were engaged.
25:36How does it feel to have someone being a bit clever
25:39and hoity-toity with you for a change, Ray?
25:43You've got the bloke who nicked your card and the drugs, innit?
25:46It's going to look pretty amusing when it comes up on your statement.
25:49A stolen car plus half a pound of heroin.
25:54You'd be a bit more careful in future.
25:58Yes, thank you, Derek. I will.
26:00Inspector Grim, there's been another burglary.
26:03Sergeant Dawkins, how often do I have to tell you
26:06I'm a detective, Inspector. I don't bother with burglaries.
26:09Get uniformed to go.
26:11All right. Constable Habib, Inspector Grim's house has just been burgled.
26:15Oh, bitch! Go, go, go!
26:19I wonder if he'll lose his self-esteem and try and kill himself.
26:22He will when he realises it was a hoax.
26:24Do you know, sometimes I just can't read my own handwriting.
26:28That was extremely wrong of you, Patricia.
26:31But he was probably going home anyway.
26:34Thank you.
26:35Stuff it.
26:38I'm afraid Sergeant Dawkins isn't very pleased with you, Inspector.
26:41The tenth anniversary of our relationship and you didn't get me anything.
26:45Well, I don't know why he sets such store-bought presents anyway, Pat.
26:48Personally, I hate the way a man thinks.
26:51When he's acted like a complete berk,
26:53he can make it all right with a few choccies and a bottle of champagne.
26:58Well, I'd love a man who bought me choccies and champagne.
27:01Well, maybe for an anniversary.
27:03But any bloke who thought he could buy my affections like that
27:06I'd get a punch in the mouth.
27:08What do you want, Kevin?
27:10And what are you hiding behind your back?
27:12Nothing.
27:15Nothing?
27:16That is, except the chocolates and champagne,
27:19which I asked you to get for me while I was out at the suicide attempt.
27:23Isn't that right, Goody?
27:31Well, hand them over then, laddie.
27:34We can settle up later.
27:40Well, now, cabbage.
27:43I have to confess that I'm more than little hurt
27:46that you could think I would forget our anniversary.
27:49Perhaps sometimes you forget that I have feelings too.
27:52I'm sorry, Peachy.
27:56To darling Maggie.
28:01Felt with one G and a Y.
28:03I'm sorry about arresting the lollipop man.
28:06Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin.
28:12Do you think we got away with it?