First broadcast 7th August 2019.
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
John Robins
Holly Walsh
Anthea Turner
Sandra Wachter
Jon Richardson
Josh Widdicombe
John Robins
Holly Walsh
Anthea Turner
Sandra Wachter
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:39and then file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42The really troubling worries I categorise as severe,
00:45the lesser ones are medium, and the milder ones are lemon and herb.
00:49This is my worry index.
00:51It's home to millions of worries,
00:53all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:55following decades of thorough analysis.
00:57And this week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries
01:00exclusively to do with the theme of people.
01:03Now, just imagine if half the world's population
01:06was suddenly wiped out.
01:08It's nice to have a dream, isn't it?
01:10Coming up tonight, I'll be discussing skilled people,
01:13touchy-feely people, and, if we have time, M people.
01:16Then, at the end of the show,
01:18I'll be coming face-to-face with my ultimate worry
01:21over there in my worry lab.
01:25It's less Iron Man, more Ironing Man.
01:28But before we get to all that,
01:30please welcome my guests for tonight,
01:32Holly Walsh, John Robbins and Josh Whittaker!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:47Hello. Hello. Thanks for coming.
01:49It's a show about worrying.
01:51Do you think this might be a cathartic experience for you?
01:55Well, I was worried that people might think
01:58I was advertising New Balance,
02:00because I've got their logo on my shoe,
02:02but, as the costume department have made clear
02:05by adding a tiny piece of white tape,
02:08we're legally in the clear.
02:11Because now I look like a guy in New Balance trainers
02:14who's got a tiny piece of white tape on him.
02:17It's not technically illegal.
02:19It looks like if your mum went out to buy New Balance
02:21but bought slightly the wrong brand.
02:25And Josh, a family man now, a father,
02:27has that ramped up your worries?
02:29Are you a worrying man? Are you a calm man?
02:31I don't think it has. I think it's ramped down my worries.
02:34I used to worry about big things, like my immortality,
02:38but once you have a baby, you can quite happily be dead.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:45I can never be woken up.
02:47Well, it sounds like there's no downside to that.
02:50Let's get things under way with our first worry of the night,
02:53and it's your worry, Holly, which is...?
02:55Mine is I am worried that greetings are just too complicated these days.
03:01So, being confronted with someone for the first time?
03:04Yeah, I find it really difficult,
03:06and I think it's genuinely more difficult for women than men,
03:09because there's like a handshake that's very straightforward.
03:13And, like, handshakes are fine for women,
03:15but there's often a hug and a kiss,
03:18and I'm a terrible height, I'm five foot three,
03:21so if I ever mess up that kiss and hug situation,
03:26I always end up just necking someone,
03:28and it's giving them, like, a tiny little love bite.
03:31It's just really creepy when you've just met someone.
03:34That's just weird.
03:35I don't understand why we don't just standardise it.
03:38There should be rules, certainly in the workplace,
03:40like you get out of swimming baths,
03:42no hugging, no air-kissing, no heavy petting.
03:45Veruca sock on the hand.
03:47Veruca sock on the hand.
03:48Like, one kiss, two kisses, you know,
03:50there's so many sort of variations on a theme
03:53that everybody else just seems so comfortable with,
03:56and I don't understand.
03:57But some people are so confident with it,
03:59sometimes they'll go for the kiss, you go in with one kiss,
04:02you clearly withdraw, and they'll go,
04:05So I lean in, and I just whisper so no-one else can hear,
04:09I love you.
04:12Would you say you're a good shaker of hands?
04:15Never had any bad views.
04:17Sure about that?
04:18I've got a picture of you meeting snooker idol Steve Davis.
04:22Right.
04:23Let's have a look at what I think.
04:25Oh!
04:27What are you doing to the poor man there?
04:30What have I done there?!
04:35Was he about to kiss your hand?
04:37That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, and also creepy.
04:40I've just remembered the first time I met John Robbins.
04:43Oh, this story never ends well for me.
04:47The first time I met Robbins was in Edinburgh in 2008.
04:50Yes, got all the hallmarks of a bad story.
04:54And I met John outside the Brass Monkeys pub,
04:57and John went like that,
04:59and I panicked, I genuinely kissed his hand.
05:05Oh, God, I don't...
05:07Do you know what? That's been repressed for ten years.
05:10And seeing that picture of Steve Davis has brought it all flooding back.
05:14So before the show, I set you the task of looking into greetings
05:18and awkwardness and see if there's anything we can do
05:21to sort of standardise this and avoid bad greetings.
05:24Yeah, well, luckily for me, there are copious internet videos
05:29of people kind of coaching you through how to avoid a hug,
05:32and one particular man I'm obsessed with, this guy.
05:35So he coaches people as to how to avoid a hug.
05:39So do you want to...?
05:41Hang out at a juggling event, I would say.
05:44OK, so... And the hugger?
05:46I want you just to go in for a standard, you know, big man's hug, OK?
05:51Oh, shit.
05:54So his whole thing is, you're going in for the hug and he's like,
05:57Hey, lovely to meet you.
05:59So that's the first one.
06:01And you end up kissing his hands.
06:05And the second one, you talk about the old diagonal one,
06:08people would come in like that, and then you just...
06:11Nice.
06:13You totally got to shut that down.
06:15I like that.
06:16The third one is the sneaky one, so they come in and they're like,
06:19oh, you know, give you a hug then.
06:21And then you just kick them in the balls.
06:23I don't think we need to run through that.
06:25APPLAUSE
06:27I like the high five.
06:29I think maybe it's a British thing,
06:31I think maybe we're particularly bad at it
06:33because there's some inbuilt part of our psyche
06:35that's just so uncomfortable about showing any affection,
06:38but other countries have got different ideas.
06:40Do you want to...? If I were to suggest some,
06:42would you two role-play this?
06:44Yeah.
06:45So you suggest the country and then we guess it?
06:47No.
06:48Does that get very problematic?
06:50No, no, no.
06:51I'm going to talk you through various different international greetings.
06:54Yes, please.
06:55OK, so if you two would like to stand up.
06:57So the first one, this is East Philippines.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Apparently you sort of do a fist bump on the forehead.
07:02That sounds like a punch, but...
07:04Sounds a lot like a punch.
07:06That's exactly what a punch is.
07:07So you do this, this kid here, these guys have got it down to you.
07:10Oh, so you don't do it at the same time?
07:12I guess you do one each.
07:13Whose fist goes on whose head.
07:14OK, so you fist bump my forehead.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20APPLAUSE
07:23I like that one.
07:25The next one is the one which you probably all remember from being kids,
07:28the Inuit greeting.
07:30The nose?
07:31Yeah, but apparently it's a bit more complicated than that.
07:33This is the guide, it says,
07:35they greet loved ones by pressing the nose and upper lip
07:40against the forehead and then suck in, like breathe in,
07:44and causing the skin to be suctioned against the nose and upper lip.
07:50Suck the forehead.
07:52Suck his forehead.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:58Is that right?
08:00Hello to you as well.
08:02I swear to God that'll be on Pornhub before we ever meet.
08:08OK, and then the last one,
08:10I am totally cool about different cultures greeting,
08:14but this one I think I'd struggle with.
08:16Doesn't sound like it from the way you've said it.
08:18In India, to show respect when greeting someone,
08:21you should touch somebody's feet.
08:23Let's all say hello to each other.
08:25OK.
08:26Shoes is fine, though.
08:27No, I think it's barefoot.
08:29Oh...
08:31Wait a minute, have a bang on these, mate.
08:38When did that sock go on?
08:40It went on this morning, what do you think I am?
08:43Do you know what, I'm willing to go,
08:45but I'm going to just leave my socks on the end of my toes.
08:49It looks like a big slab of meat on now, now I look at it.
08:52I don't want John Richardson to see my toenails.
08:54Why, what's wrong with your toenails?
08:56Let's have a bloody look at them, mate.
08:58Shall we once?
08:59Shall we once?
09:00That's all right, it's a normal toenail, mate.
09:02This is like a kind of Victorian Pete toenail.
09:05That looks weird.
09:08All right, I've got my big toenail painted.
09:15This is the lamest strip show I have ever seen.
09:19Fine.
09:20Oh!
09:25That's like Andy Murray had gone insane.
09:29They do need cutting, I can...
09:31Oh, they are disgusting!
09:33Just touch my feet, give me some respect,
09:35so we can all move on.
09:42No-one touched my foot, no-one said hello to me.
09:44Hello!
09:51I genuinely looked at my feet this morning and thought,
09:54I need to cut those nails,
09:56but today's not going to be a day when it matters.
09:59They're not going to make me take my shoes and socks off on TV.
10:02I'll be honest, I found all that deeply unpleasant.
10:05And I have one more solution,
10:07which is something I've created for you.
10:09It makes you sort of appreciate the quaint Britishness of it,
10:12but if you really don't want to be hugged,
10:14I have made you this jacket.
10:17Oh!
10:18Which I think will... That should see off any risk.
10:21It's like a punk head chug.
10:23It's a real... I'm into this.
10:25Anyone going in for a hug with that...
10:27And it's just your size as well!
10:31It sort of also eliminates the handshake,
10:33cos they'll think, oh, she doesn't have any.
10:36So we're going to log the worry now.
10:38Oh, it squeaks as well.
10:40The worries, of course.
10:41I worry that greetings are too complicated.
10:43I think that, I mean, after that whole ordeal,
10:46there's no way that that isn't a severe worry.
10:48Yeah, that's a severe worry for me.
10:50It turns out handshakes are just the tip of the iceberg, to be honest.
10:53And I don't ever want to have to touch John Robbins' feet
10:56or have Josh Widdicombe's foot forced into my face again.
10:59So this is definitely a severe worry.
11:08That's all for this part.
11:09Join us after the break when we'll find out
11:11what's worrying Josh Widdicombe.
11:13See you in a bit.
11:16APPLAUSE
11:29Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
11:31where tonight we're looking at people.
11:33Josh, what is your people-related worry?
11:35Yes, I worry about offending people via text message,
11:40particularly WhatsApp.
11:42Right. It's easily done.
11:44Can you talk us through what your main worries are?
11:46It's the fear of sending a message to a WhatsApp group
11:50that's in full flow and silence.
11:56You mean inadvertently offending.
11:58You're not sending messages of you in, like, white hoods and stuff
12:00and going, why isn't anyone replying to my text?
12:03You've got to make sure you send that to the right WhatsApp group.
12:07See, I'm very frequently the one that kills the conversation dead,
12:11and I do it deliberately because I don't like the fact
12:13that these messaging apps have made conversations just go on forever.
12:17No-one ever shuts the group down.
12:19No-one ever says, this is done, guys.
12:21Well, you can't leave because then it'll announce,
12:24Josh has left the conversation,
12:26like he's stormed out of the Queen Vic or something.
12:29I was once in a WhatsApp group for a birthday party
12:33and the conversation moved on to, what is everyone doing tonight?
12:37And I was in the bath and I took a photo...
12:39Oh, I was in that group!
12:41I took a photo of myself and sent it saying,
12:43I'm just having a relaxing evening,
12:45but I didn't realise when you actually tapped on the photo and it went big,
12:48you could see about a millimetre of my penis at the bottom.
12:52So your whole penis?
12:54It was remarkable because it was just like,
12:57pew, Gemma has left the conversation, pew!
13:00Pew, Josh has left the conversation, ding, ding, ding, ding!
13:02It was finally good to get an out that time.
13:05This question's not on the cards, but I just wonder,
13:09whose fucking birthday was it and why wasn't I invited?
13:12It was Holly's, actually, wasn't it?
13:14Was it your birthday? Lovely. Did you have a nice time bowling?
13:17I was busy anyway, whenever I was.
13:19The worst thing is when you see someone is actually typing something
13:22and then they obviously just go,
13:24actually, no, I'd rather not say anything, I'll just...
13:27So you're like, oh, someone's going to chip in and save me
13:30and then they go, no, you're fine.
13:33I hate the whole thing, it's too transparent,
13:36and WhatsApp is too uniformly accepted.
13:38So in the past, I sort of knew my mum would text me,
13:42certain friends would WhatsApp,
13:44but your nana would always phone, and that would be it.
13:47And now everybody's on WhatsApp, there's too much danger of crossover.
13:51So I've done that, as in all situations, to calm myself down,
13:55a Venn diagram.
13:57So these are my key sort of groups.
14:00You've got wife group, friends group and family group.
14:03And where these overlap, you'll get certain...
14:05The middle here that they all get, every message will start with,
14:09sorry I'm late getting back to you.
14:11More often than not, sorry I kissed you.
14:15Sorry I missed you.
14:17The phone will go, are you sure you weren't sorry you kissed them?
14:20And then within that, you'll get satellite groups will form.
14:24So because of my wife, I have a satellite group,
14:27which is the NCT group, which is other people with kids.
14:31I'm not going to lie, I would have probably cut them adrift by now.
14:35I always think that's a weird thing about NCT,
14:37that you're basically friends because you all had unprotected sex
14:40on the same weekend.
14:42Can I just... What's an NCT?
14:45NCT is a scheme where if you're about to have birth
14:49at roughly the same time, you have classes to teach you
14:52not to be a completely shit parent.
14:54I had a really awkward, genuinely awkward situation
14:57involving my NCT WhatsApp group.
14:59We all had kids at the same time,
15:01and so what we'd do is send people pictures,
15:03you know, when our kids arrived, our babies arrived, look at this.
15:06And I'd never used WhatsApp before I got onto the NCT one,
15:09and I didn't realise it saved photos to your photo stream.
15:13So my baby was one of the last ones to be born,
15:16so I got a photo of him and I sent it to all my friends and family,
15:19and it wasn't until after I'd sent it that I realised that wasn't my baby,
15:22that was...
15:24I'd sent literally everyone I know a photo of somebody else's baby.
15:28And I was completely forgot about it until about three months later,
15:31I went home and I saw exactly the same photo on my parents' mantelpiece,
15:34and I just...
15:36I couldn't tell them.
15:39Pictures of the children are there, this is all not going to soft play.
15:43Then you've got subsidiary friends group is the adult sticker collectors,
15:46and this is one we've sort of been in together.
15:48Is that World Cup stickers, though?
15:50Football stickers, Benini World Cup stickers.
15:52So, in theory, it should be every four years, but it's not,
15:55cos every now and again someone will encounter something sticker-related,
15:58and suddenly a Graham, who I don't even fucking know...
16:02I'll feel like...
16:04My phone's going apeshit and I just want to leave.
16:06You need to turn down the vibrate on your phone.
16:09I've been sticking up there so far.
16:13And then this is the real danger of WhatsApp,
16:15what you've also got is the one group that is so far satellite
16:18it must never cross any other stream, and it's right down here,
16:22and it'll be something like Stag Do 2016,
16:25and it's still every now and again a picture of a ball bag or something.
16:31If this touches any other group in here,
16:34if that gets into the friends and family,
16:36what shall we get Mum for Christmas?
16:38Not one of those, that was a separate thing.
16:40It wasn't my Stag Do, I didn't want to go there, I was just at the bar.
16:43I stayed dry the whole night.
16:46What I'm going to do is offer you a solution.
16:48There's no solution.
16:49There is a solution, and it's a GIF.
16:51I love a GIF, or as they call them in Spain, a jif.
16:56We're going to build you now a custom GIF, a GIF pack, if you will.
17:00You're going to say something as if it were a WhatsApp group,
17:03you two are going to stop laughing immediately and look very upset.
17:06You're going to look down camera five, Josh, as if to say,
17:09uh-oh, I've done it again.
17:10We're going to make that into a GIF, and then you've got that.
17:13Whenever you kill a WhatsApp group, you can pop your own personalised...
17:16Oh, wow!
17:17Sorry, guys. That is useful.
17:18I've done that thing I do again.
17:20So sorry that I've killed the conversation again.
17:23So five is rolling.
17:24If you want to laugh away, you say whatever you like.
17:26There's no sound.
17:28No, he has got a tall head, actually.
17:36So there we go.
17:37Beautifully acted as well, by the way.
17:39Thanks.
17:40I know you've got sitcom experience, but...
17:42Was that...? That felt real to me.
17:45That did feel very real.
17:47So that's gone off to the GIF factory,
17:49and I can tell you now, if you check in at the GIF shop,
17:51you'll find it's already been made.
17:53What's...?
17:59Do you know what, Jon?
18:00I'm never going to fucking use that in my life.
18:06What do you think that is?!
18:09Can you stop it?!
18:12Turn it off! Stop it!
18:14But you cut out me and Holly.
18:16It just looks like he's shitting himself.
18:19Jon! Jon!
18:21Right, we're going to log your worry now,
18:23and the worry is, I worry I'm offending people over text,
18:26and I'm going to reveal to you now, Josh,
18:28that I'm going to classify that as a moderate worry.
18:31No! What?!
18:32While the risk is severe, I've given you the solution.
18:36And you have to accept that when, as we are,
18:38we're on the coalface of edgy, shocking comedy,
18:41I mean, you and I, pretty satirical, pretty brutal,
18:44you've just got to accept the bloodbath every now and again.
18:47Guys like us, we're going to overstep the line,
18:49and if the man can't deal with that,
18:51then you slide in your only Joshing in.
18:54I'm going to log that as a moderate worry.
19:02Is that the bottom centre?
19:04Yes, this morning.
19:05Is that the TV show this morning, or something you got up to this morning?
19:08That's this morning.
19:09I had a really bad morning, went down for breakfast.
19:12I'm supposed to be vegan, but I had a cheeky egg.
19:18And a guy busted me and said,
19:20oh, you can have an omelette if you like.
19:22And I said a sentence that I've never hated myself more.
19:25I said, I shouldn't actually be having an egg.
19:31It's well up there with the most I've ever hated myself.
19:34So, that's all for this part.
19:36Join us after the break when we'll find out what's worrying John Robbins.
19:40See you in a bit.
19:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:45Coming up on Ultimate Worrier...
19:47Left hand underneath an accelerator.
20:00Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
20:02where tonight we're looking at people worries.
20:05John, do you have a worry for my index?
20:07I do have a worry for your index, John.
20:09I have a worry that all my heroes are dead.
20:12And not only are they all dead,
20:15but I'm too old to make new heroes now.
20:18Who are we talking? Who's your biggest...?
20:20The big dead ones.
20:21Jesus.
20:22Jesus.
20:24But is he dead?
20:26The ultimate murder mystery.
20:30A 2,000-year-old saga.
20:32Mercury.
20:33So, Freddie Mercury.
20:34Big one.
20:35I know you're a big fan of Freddie Mercury.
20:37You frequently wear queen T-shirts to feel closer to him.
20:40Oh, hello.
20:41There you are.
20:42Is that a straitjacket?
20:45I think it's the opposite of that.
20:53I think I can see a millimetre of your penis as well.
20:57Is this resonating with any of you?
20:59What, is that resonating?
21:00Well, not the image, no.
21:02The idea of having heroes.
21:04Are most of your heroes still knocking about?
21:06Yeah.
21:07Yeah, most of them are still alive, I think.
21:09But you're a football fan, right?
21:10Yeah.
21:11So, as a kid, I supported Liverpool.
21:13I had posters on my wall of, like,
21:15Ian Rush, Bruce Grobbelaar.
21:17Alive.
21:18Harder to get hold of than you think.
21:19I know, but they were older than me.
21:22Whereas now, like Trent Alexander-Arnold,
21:25I can't worship someone who was born
21:28after the introduction of the two-pound coin.
21:32I'll tell you what, it's a hard rule, but you've got to have one.
21:36The sort of stereotype of your idols
21:38is people always talk about dream dinner party.
21:40I think a dream dinner party puts a lot of pressure,
21:42cos I always assume I'm hosting,
21:44and that means I'm going to spend a lot of time in the kitchen,
21:46I'm not going to get to speak to my guests.
21:48So my ideal scenario to have my idols
21:50would be a lock-in at my dream pub,
21:53The Dog and Bastard.
21:56So I've taken the liberty of building
21:59what I think that lock-in would look like.
22:01Me and my favourite people at The Dog and Bastard.
22:03Where's the landlord?
22:05There he is.
22:07I'm worried that the pint makes me look tiny.
22:10It looks like that bit in Lord of the Rings where they go,
22:12It comes in pints!
22:18First guest to arrive at The Dog and Bastard is...
22:21Marcelo Bielsa.
22:23The cheating Leeds manager.
22:25He's not remotely a cheat!
22:27He's the guy who sent the people to watch the opposition practising, right?
22:30He didn't cheat, he didn't break any rules,
22:32and he only did what all of the managers were doing,
22:34they just didn't have the guts to admit it.
22:36Next guest to arrive is...
22:38Rick Stein.
22:40Oh, yeah.
22:42That's the noise I want.
22:44Do you remember when he sent those spies over to Sunday brunch
22:47to see what they were cooking?
22:49Yeah, a lovely man, having a lovely old chat.
22:51You just want to know what he's saying instantly, don't you?
22:53Yeah, but you're vegan now, so you're not going to be able to ever...
22:56No, I don't think he'd like me.
22:58I mean, you can take that as a given for all your guests.
23:02Let's find out who's next.
23:04Oh, yes.
23:05Dawn French.
23:06Next guest to arrive, having a lovely cup of tea,
23:09you'll all recognise this lady.
23:11Hannah Hawkswell.
23:12Hannah Hawkswell, thank you, Jon.
23:14She was doing a documentary in the 70s about farmers in the Dales,
23:17how hard the life was.
23:18That is a relief, because I nearly guessed your mum.
23:25Next guest,
23:27Anthea Turner.
23:28Oh, good choice.
23:29Anthea Turner.
23:30I met Anthea Turner just before Christmas,
23:32and I got a bit flushed by the whole thing.
23:34Did you?
23:35Yeah.
23:36Yeah.
23:37Yeah, we did it.
23:38Yeah.
23:42Where did you meet Anthea Turner?
23:44It was on her dating website.
23:47It was just a charity gig.
23:49I don't like to talk about it.
23:51And final guest to arrive at the Dog & Bastard,
23:54Stephen King.
23:57I just want him to know that I'm glad he exists.
24:00I've been tempted to write to him and just say,
24:02you've changed my life.
24:04The books he's written, I'll read them for the rest of my life.
24:07He's made my life better, he doesn't even know.
24:09I don't want to be friends with him,
24:11I just want him to know we have the same planet for a little bit.
24:14What a fucking treat that is.
24:16Well, Jon, it's funny you should say that,
24:19because when I heard you were such a huge fan of Stephen King,
24:23I made some calls, guys.
24:25And we approached Stephen King...
24:28Did you really?
24:29..to get you, yes, a little video message from the man himself.
24:34Unfortunately, that didn't work out, he's a very busy man.
24:39Arsehole.
24:41However, what we did manage to find was a message from someone
24:45who, and I quote, has been described
24:48as the Stephen King of children's literature.
24:52Hi, Jon, it's R.L. Stine.
24:54You know, the Stephen King of children's books.
24:57I understand I'm a hero of yours, a literary hero.
25:01I just wanted to say thank you and you're welcome.
25:05I've seen your show.
25:07It's a severe worry.
25:09Good stuff, Jon.
25:10I'll see you at the lock-in.
25:18Right, so that was nice, wasn't it?
25:20It was a lot of fun, mate.
25:21I'm not going to lie, it gave me goosebumps, that video.
25:24I was a big fan of Goosebumps as a child.
25:27There you go.
25:28But I was overwhelmingly slightly pissed off
25:31that it wasn't Stephen King, but...
25:35So we're going to log your worry,
25:37I'm going to log your worry that all my heroes are dead,
25:39and clearly, Jon, that is absolutely a low worry.
25:42Oh!
25:44And I think, in a sense, your heroes are sort of supposed to be dead,
25:47and if the news of recent years has taught us anything,
25:49it's that your heroes are dead,
25:50they can't get up to any mischief any more.
25:52They'll swindle your dreams.
25:54So that is a low worry, Jon.
25:58Why are you worried about Anthea Serner?
26:00Why am I worried about Anthea Serner?
26:02I mean, for all the reasons earlier, just that...
26:07In a different world, who knows?
26:09Lovely. That's tense.
26:11So, our next worry of the night is this.
26:15I worry that people aren't trusted to make their own decisions.
26:18Now, this is all about robots doing our thinking for us.
26:21It's a thing called algorithms, which is a word I think a lot of us use
26:24without quite knowing what that means.
26:26It's basically a computer programme that takes information
26:29and then computes decisions on our behalf.
26:32Is that something of any concern to you?
26:34I think this whole computer's recommending stuff to you,
26:37working out how you think is a good thing,
26:39because it saves you time, it means you get the things that you want.
26:43I agree, and in a situation where you walk into a shop
26:46and the shop is able to tell you the things you need and give them to you,
26:49I agree, but what about a situation where you have some freedom of choice
26:53and you are influenced into making a certain decision?
26:56Yeah, you think there's no other options out there.
26:58I'm uninfluencible, mate.
27:00What about... Netflix is one area where this is used a lot,
27:03and they use an algorithm to tailor the thumbnail image for each programme
27:07based on what they think you like.
27:09So, say you go on Netflix and you decide you want to watch Friends.
27:12If Netflix is able to ascertain that you watch a lot of romantic comedies,
27:16the thumbnail they will use to show you for Friends
27:18will be one of maybe Ross and Rachel kissing,
27:21cos they'll know this person likes kissing.
27:24If they know that you watch a lot of buddy movies,
27:26they'll show you a thumbnail for Friends
27:28which will be Joey and Chandler reclining on chairs, so that's where...
27:31But that's all right, isn't it?
27:33Cos then you go, oh, I might enjoy the buddy aspect of Friends.
27:36Oh, I've got some kissing as well.
27:39Bonus kisses.
27:41Maybe you actually didn't want to watch Friends that day.
27:43Maybe you wanted to watch something else, but they target a thumbnail
27:46so specifically that you end up watching something you didn't want to watch.
27:49I'm going to say it, I reckon I've got the free will
27:51to see a picture of Matt LeBlanc in an easy chair
27:53and not click on it if I don't want to.
27:55Maybe you've watched a lot of Josh Widdicombe specials
27:58and they show you Gunther.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:05So, to enlighten us on who or what is making decisions for us,
28:08please welcome data ethics expert Sandra Bacter.
28:12APPLAUSE
28:18Hello.
28:19So, Sandra, what algorithms are out there now
28:21that we should be aware of?
28:23Algorithms are everywhere, basically.
28:25So every decision that can be made by a human
28:28can now be made by an algorithm.
28:30So algorithms are deciding if somebody should get to university,
28:33should be admitted to schools,
28:35if somebody should get insurance.
28:37Basically everywhere.
28:39So how could the data that's out there about me now,
28:42how could that be used against me?
28:44Ah, right. So a lot of insurance companies and banks
28:48are using Facebook data to make decisions.
28:51For example, they use Facebook data to decide if somebody should get a loan.
28:54So they look at who you're friends with,
28:56what you like on Facebook, what groups you join,
28:59and then they decide if you should get a loan or not.
29:01Unlucky, John.
29:03LAUGHTER
29:05There's so much data out there about you.
29:07Every time you use your phone,
29:09every time you Google something on the web,
29:11every time you visit a web page, it's all being tracked.
29:14We haven't even heard of private browsing!
29:19Does that work?
29:21LAUGHTER
29:25Not entirely convinced it will.
29:27But what if you sign out as well?
29:30I think it's really weird that in the future
29:32people will go through their relatives...
29:34They'll be like, oh, I guess I got my love of BDSM off my great-grandfather.
29:38How weird.
29:40What other areas of society are algorithms potentially a cause for concern?
29:44I think the most troubling example would be
29:47that algorithms are being used in the criminal justice system.
29:50So in the US, for example, algorithms decide if somebody is guilty
29:53and if they should go to prison, if they're being granted parole.
29:56What?! So, yeah.
29:58How do they decide if they're guilty?
30:00Well, that's the big problem.
30:02We don't really know.
30:04How can you use an algorithm that you accept
30:06that you don't understand how it's reaching its decision?
30:09Surely that is sort of George Orwell.
30:12There is a potential that algorithms are making better decisions than humans
30:15because they consider so much more data than humans
30:18and so they can be more accurate.
30:20And humans are also very biased.
30:22There was an interesting study by judges, for example.
30:25So it was found that judges are more strict in their judgments
30:30before they had lunch and more lenient after they had lunch.
30:33Wow, the Boots meal deal factor, I believe.
30:36Wow.
30:38Well, I'll tell you what, terrifying but absolutely fascinating.
30:41Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to Sandra Vakhtar.
30:43APPLAUSE
30:47So we're going to log that worry now,
30:49and the worry is that people can't be trusted to make their own decisions.
30:52And I think Sandra's testimony makes it clear
30:55that this can't be anything other than a very severe worry.
31:04Let's try that as a moderate worry.
31:08Let's try a low worry.
31:12The computer seems to be thinking for itself.
31:15There is something we can do in this situation.
31:17It doesn't happen very often,
31:19but sometimes we are called upon to file a worry manually.
31:24So I'll just pop that in the old filing system there.
31:27This is the severe worry drawer, and in it goes as a severe worry.
31:36That's it for this part.
31:38Time for a short break now and give up hosting, John,
31:40because everybody knows Josh should host this show.
31:43That's what it says on the autarky, I don't remember writing that.
31:46See you in a bit.
31:48APPLAUSE
32:01Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
32:03Now it's time for the final, most troubling worry of the night,
32:07which is...
32:10I worry I'm not a skilled person.
32:13I look at other people and I think they can all do stuff
32:17and I can't do stuff,
32:19and I think I've got to an age where they say,
32:22your brain from the age of four is in decline
32:26and I don't want to give the game away, I'm a little south of four.
32:32Do any of you have any secret skills?
32:38Do you know that's exactly the answer I wanted?
32:40I find the hardest one when people are like,
32:42oh, what's your party trick?
32:44And mine's just leaving early, that's it.
32:46You're invited to my party.
32:48Well, you've tried to learn things.
32:50When we lived together, you took up, and correct me if I'm wrong,
32:54watercolours.
33:00And again, correct me if I'm wrong,
33:03but when you couldn't get the hang of watercolours,
33:06you started doing painting by numbers.
33:10And it was like living with someone
33:12who was recovering from a brain injury.
33:15Are you artistic at all or do you just think
33:17I can probably teach myself to...?
33:19What it is, is I sort of try everything,
33:21because I think if I try everything,
33:23there'll be something I'm just amazing at.
33:25There's hobbies and there's things you do for enjoyment and for exercise
33:28and there's things that you think, I really want to be amazing at this thing.
33:31The things I'm good at are dog shit,
33:33so I can juggle, but with three things,
33:35which isn't mildly impressive. That's good, that's all right.
33:37Which things?
33:39It's just like a chainsaw...
33:42LAUGHTER
33:43..a flaming axe and a dragon.
33:46I also think I'm very good at finding Wally
33:49and it's not the sort of thing you can pull out at a party.
33:52And I think the key to finding Wally
33:54is you've got to ask certain questions.
33:56A lot of people just tear at it and work up a row,
33:58but what you've got to ask yourself is, what do I know about Wally?
34:01Well, for example, he's not a strong swimmer,
34:03so he's not going to be...
34:05He's in the top of the stamp, fucking hell.
34:11Hiding in plain sight.
34:13And then you've got to ask yourself, who is Wally?
34:16And then you find out, in a way, aren't we all Wally?
34:19And I look at that situation and I think, if I were Wally,
34:22what would I be doing?
34:23And I would clock an inflated lilo in the sun on a hot, sandy beach
34:28as a potential popping fiasco.
34:30So I'd be monitoring that situation.
34:32Once you find that out, you know, there's Wally.
34:35He's right there. There he is.
34:37So you've got to find the Wally inside yourself, I think,
34:40before you can really find any external Wallys.
34:43And for any American viewers, it's still Wally.
34:46You've got it wrong.
34:53So things like that now, nobody's impressed.
34:57But if you had a shit skill like that, you could take it somewhere.
35:00You could put a shit skill on telly and gain some respect for it.
35:03And that place was a little world called U-Bet.
35:06I loved U-Bet so much.
35:08But perhaps explain to the millennials what U-Bet was.
35:11U-Bet was a TV show on Saturday night on ITV
35:15in which different kind of members of the public would come on
35:18and they'd have wacky skills.
35:20I remember vividly a guy who could work out, and you'd like this,
35:24any Queen song by the way a candle moved in front of a speaker.
35:30Bullshit! I remember that.
35:32You remember that? Yes. That's insane.
35:35So it was stuff like that and then there'd be a panel of celebrities
35:38and they'd decide whether these people could do it.
35:41We have a clip. So this is a man who, not to delve too deeply,
35:45but probably as the result of a slow breakdown of his marriage,
35:49is able to recognise any type of lawnmower from touch alone.
35:55Are you ready to face your challenge? I think I am.
36:06That doesn't even feel green. That feels like a close-cut 1920.
36:13Yes, it is.
36:20That feels like a Ransom Simms and Jeffreys patent gear automaton, 1910.
36:28Oh, I knew it straight away.
36:32Last one.
36:38That's a Webb Whippet 10-inch, 1955.
36:44Yes, it is.
36:46How did you lose your fingers, Steve?
36:50Fascinatingly, Whippet 10-inch was my nickname at school.
36:56So inspired by that clip, I've decided to test my own skill.
37:00Now, as a man who likes a drink but has a very weak bladder,
37:04I feel like my skill is that I can identify hand dryers from the sound alone.
37:11Come on.
37:13Come on.
37:14Josh, you seem like the person to help me with this.
37:17You love a bit of retro telly. Yeah, I love it.
37:19So you're going to host our very own version of You Fret.
37:22Oh.
37:24Pending a challenge from their lawyers.
37:27OK, Jon, right, welcome to You Fret.
37:36Tonight's contestant is Jon Richardson from Lancaster.
37:40Jon is going to try and identify five hand dryers by sound alone.
37:45I'm really nervous.
37:46These hand dryers have been chosen at random
37:49by our independent adjudicator, Guinevere.
37:52Jon, why hand dryers?
37:56I just like being in toilets.
38:01I think that's something you take for granted.
38:03The game-changer for me was the Dyson Airblade,
38:05and I think we all felt that the first time you used one and you realised...
38:08I'm not going to lie, Jon, they've just hurried me up in my ear.
38:12It's the best part of going to the toilet, washing your hands.
38:14Right, so, celebrity panel,
38:16do you think Jon will manage to identify the five hand dryers?
38:20I'm quite worried that he will be able to do it.
38:23You're going yes, Jon? Yeah, I think he can.
38:25Holly? I mean, I don't care.
38:32But sure, why not? Give him a bit of support, yes.
38:35They are both backing Jon. I believe in you.
38:37Let's find out! Let's play Youth Rats.
38:44Right, Jon...
38:46Bloody hell, I almost fell off the stage.
38:50So, you stand there. I'm going to go to each hand dryer in turn.
38:54I want you to give me the brand of each hand dryer from the sound.
38:59Are you ready? Yeah.
39:01The first hand dryer sounds like this.
39:06I also am going to need you to identify
39:09whether that was the left or the right hand.
39:13I felt I could hear the rippling of fat in your palm.
39:19I've been working out, mate! I've been on a high-protein diet.
39:23The power of which suggests it was your left hand...
39:26Correct! On the left hand.
39:28..it was underneath an accelerator.
39:30Oh, my word!
39:33Are you ready for your next hand dryer?
39:36Yeah.
39:41I'd know that blindfolded.
39:44That takes me right back to the first time I heard one
39:47at Strensham Services in 2006.
39:51Just once again, Jon, they are getting me to hurry up in my ear.
39:54It's the damage to your ears.
39:56Just once again, Jon, they are getting me to hurry up in my ear.
39:59It's the Dyson Airblade.
40:01It is the Dyson Airblade!
40:06Straight on to number three? Yeah.
40:08Oh.
40:10Oh.
40:11That, for me, is your bog standard.
40:13That's probably the most ubiquitous hand dryer.
40:16Oh, now I'm nervous.
40:18It's not new, it's not old.
40:20It's quite a good hand dryer.
40:22I think...
40:23Now, I couldn't tell you whether it's the one with the rotating head,
40:26but I think it's a world dryer.
40:28It is the world dryer with the rotating head!
40:33That's industry standard, you'll find that in most pubs.
40:36It is absolutely the most exciting thing...
40:40..that I have been involved in in my career.
40:44Are you ready for number four, Jon?
40:46Yeah.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:52I think you're playing a trick on me there, Josh.
40:54No, I would never do such a thing.
40:56Well, technically, it's a hand dryer, but it's not what I'm into.
40:59That sounds like, er...
41:01That sounds like one of those things where...
41:03One of those things, he's got it, he's won!
41:08Finally, for the certificate and the trophy, are you ready?
41:14Oh, my God, what is that?
41:18Can I come closer?
41:21And can I hear it again?
41:23Do you want to hear it again? Yes, please.
41:25OK. You ready? Yes.
41:27I'm not going to do anything to you.
41:32That's an old hand dryer for my money.
41:35That's more heat than airbase, and that, for me, was...
41:38I don't... That was the big shift in the industry,
41:41was away from heat and into just the speed of the air.
41:44Yeah.
41:46It's either a Warner Howard...
41:49Keep, keep. ..or a Levante.
41:52It's one of the two. Which do you think it is?
41:55Well, I think the fact that you said keep going was...
41:59I said a Warner Howard.
42:01But I'm going to go for the Levante.
42:03The answer is...
42:05The Levante!
42:11Remove your blindfolds, Jon.
42:14It's time now to give you your certificates.
42:17Come on out, the mystery guest.
42:19It's Amputee!
42:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:26You did it! You did it!
42:28Thank you very much.
42:30Thank you very much.
42:37Jon, go for the hug.
42:39Thank you.
42:43Oh, thank you.
42:45So, we're now going to log the worry.
42:47The worry is, of course, I worry I'm not a skilled person.
42:50Clearly, it's a low worry,
42:52and I am a massively successfully skilled person,
42:55and it's made me realise if I can hear what hand dryers are,
42:58I can probably be Grade 8 piano by the end of the week.
43:01So, it's a low worry!
43:06That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
43:08A special thanks to my guests, Holly Walsh, Jon Robbins,
43:11Josh Riddicombe and Anthony Otero!
43:14Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Goodnight!
43:38WHISTLING