First broadcast 16th February 2010.
Charlie Brooker
Tim Key Self
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Brooker
Tim Key Self
Doug Stanhope
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Newswiper, a program all about what's been
00:27going on.
00:28Things like this.
00:29Afghanistan, huge surge in low quality footage.
00:35Torture allegations, just how bad is the seating in economy these days?
00:40And victory for equality as BNP votes to admit wankers of any colour.
00:47But we start by going live to South London where I'm expected to be speaking in a few
00:52moments.
00:53We can see the sofa there.
00:56Not much happening at present but that's all expected to change.
01:03Me is currently positioned outside.
01:05Me, what's the latest on this?
01:08Well Me, there really are no new facts to report as such.
01:11I'm outside the building where I'm expected to return any moment now.
01:15When that happens, I should be making my way in through that door, taking a position on
01:19the sofa and reading a short statement to camera.
01:22It's believed I left these premises sometime earlier today to visit a local shop, stock
01:27up on some semi-skimmed milk, one or two cans of a well-known diet cola and a chocolate
01:32bar.
01:33No word on precisely what bar we're talking about but clearly we're dealing with some
01:37kind of sweet tooth here.
01:40And I understand, I think I can hear me returning.
01:43Yes here I am approaching the door, as you can see, opening it.
01:48A bit of trouble there.
01:49Stepping inside and that's me now inside the building.
01:55We'll just pass over again live to the live...
01:58No, I seem to be heading off for a piss.
02:03Me, is there anything you can tell me about the sofa we're seeing now?
02:11Well the sofa, I mean it's quite familiar to some of your viewers.
02:15It's got a kind of burgundy hue.
02:18It's understood it actually came with the flat, which was fully furnished when that
02:23was purchased.
02:24We'll have to cut you off there, I'm afraid.
02:25Me appears to have come back and so let's...
02:28Don't know about you, but the news' obsession with live broadcasting gets right on my boob
02:33and my jugs.
02:34Bloody progress is to blame, it's made it possible for the news to broadcast live from
02:38anywhere in the world, usually for no good reason.
02:41David Cameron is going to make a speech in this academy in South London.
02:46Sometimes it excitedly cuts live to a location where someone's about to make a statement,
02:49albeit not quite yet.
02:51Sometimes it shows you eerie unpopulated chambers or rooms full of people ambiently milling
02:56around which make you start to feel like a ghost if you stare for too long.
03:00Sometimes it cuts from one load of boring live nothing to another load of boring live
03:03nothing, just to keep you up to date with all the boring live nothing in the world.
03:07Sometimes it goes into vulture mode, cutting live in the hope of spotting something awful
03:10happening like a collapsing bridge.
03:12It's not obvious, of course, looking at it, but it is in a very dangerous state and could
03:18collapse at any time, although having said that, we've been saying that for a while.
03:22And when it comes to rubbernecking, sometimes the news just doesn't know when to stop.
03:26For instance, last week Sky's obsession with on-the-spot tragedy saw it broadcasting live
03:30footage of Alexander McQueen's body being taken into a waiting ambulance, images we've
03:34chosen to censor.
03:35We just want to pause for a moment.
03:38As we look at the pictures of Alexander McQueen's body being removed from his flat, we'll pause
03:44for a moment.
03:45Having thus shown due respect for the dead, they then hovered over his body like a vulture
03:49as it was driven through the street, because, you know, it was important to keep their viewers
03:53informed.
03:54When an actual reporter bothers to show up, they're often standing somewhere which shut
03:58up shop hours ago, or they're too far from a computer to be much use.
04:03We are actually, of course, poring through this report right now, we are able to do that
04:07and you're not.
04:08So let me just give you some headlines that we're getting.
04:10Often they patronise you by standing near something vaguely linked to the story, which
04:13is why a correspondent doing the Toyota report has to lurk outside a garage with a logo in
04:17the background in the middle of the night.
04:19But apart from making their job harder, it also makes them just look like losers.
04:23Look at these transient outsider nomads, literally conducting meaningless lives.
04:27There's just no dignity to it.
04:28It turns being a journalist into the physical equivalent of standing on a busy high street
04:31advertising a golf sale.
04:33I mean, why in dog's dick should we trust the analysis of someone who doesn't have the
04:36wherewithal to head indoors when it rains?
04:38Sometimes I wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly cut to someone standing out in Mongolia.
04:42Can I go live to Peter there in Mongolia?
04:47Peter, have you felt cold like this before?
04:50Worst of all, when rubbish weather itself becomes the story, reporters feel some psychotic
04:55urge to remain standing outside, broadcasting their dramatic images way beyond the point
04:59where any sane person would get the flippin' sherbet out of there.
05:02Oh, Jesus!
05:03Um, Michelle, um, we're gonna, uh, we're gonna go to a break and, uh, let you try to maybe
05:10walk a little bit closer to the camera.
05:12And quite apart from any of those issues, can you imagine the carbon footprint this
05:15leaves behind?
05:16Consider the fuel burnt getting there, the lighting, the hot air pumped into the atmosphere
05:20by their stupid mouths.
05:22Sometimes I think the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe,
05:27which it will then report on.
05:28Mind you, on the bright side, if the sea levels do rise, at least there'll be fewer patches
05:32of land for them to stand around on, blabbing down the lens.
05:36And now we head back live to the studio.
05:39Well now it's time for our new Have Your Say section, in which you don't have your say.
05:45Instead, embittered comic Doug Stanhope does.
05:54I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
05:57Hey, what's your opinion about the news of the day?
06:00You think no one cares?
06:02They actually don't.
06:03But every day on CNN, Jack Cafferty pretends to care about what you think.
06:08Jack Cafferty's an ex-alcoholic windbag on CNN.
06:12He's like a defeated, low-rent Howard Beale that comes on every day with very strong,
06:19surly opinions about whatever the subject of the day is.
06:24Well, why don't they renegotiate these damn trade agreements that sent all these jobs
06:27to places like India and China and Mexico?
06:30Why don't they start there?
06:31But his opinion isn't quite enough.
06:33He wants your opinion as well.
06:35Please log on to CNN.com and tell Jack how you feel about this.
06:40Let's give those folks in Washington the benefit of our collective wisdom.
06:43Because they want you to believe that your opinion matters.
06:46Makes you feel good.
06:47Yeah, I'm going to tell them what I think.
06:49Ralph writes from Yakima, Washington.
06:51And Jack will read the emails at the end of the show.
06:55They're always very, very insightful.
06:57Hey Jack, I've got a question.
07:01We're going to bail out all these Washington fat cats.
07:04Where's my bailout?
07:06They give you opinion polls about subjects you couldn't possibly have any basis to make
07:12an opinion.
07:13What's the likelihood of another terrorist attack now that Obama's in office?
07:18They'll put up big pie charts that say 67% say it's very likely and 30% say it's highly
07:26unlikely.
07:273% don't know.
07:29The big pie charts with 3% don't know.
07:33No, you all don't fucking know.
07:37That should be a giant pizza pie of I have no earthly idea.
07:42What that shows you is 97% of Americans will give you a strong opinion even though they
07:47have no fucking clue whatsoever about the subject.
07:52Everyone is so desperate to not only have an opinion but make that opinion heard and
07:58think that opinion counts.
08:00You Twitter and you MySpace and you Facebook your stupid opinions and you spout off to
08:07your coworker, you know what I think?
08:10I think it's the liberals that are ruining everything.
08:13And that's not enough.
08:14You go to town hall meetings and you yell and scream.
08:17They bang the gavel trying to get you to shut up.
08:21And that's still not enough.
08:22So you go home and then you write blogs in the middle of the night because you haven't
08:26had your opinion heard enough.
08:27You probably blog about this segment.
08:29Doug Stanhope ruined NewsWife.
08:32Why is that fat headed alcoholic on this show?
08:35Get rid of him.
08:36You know what?
08:37There's a good chance I might stumble across that blog one day when I'm sitting alone in
08:42some hotel room and I'm in the middle of the night and I'm drinking vodka and yogurt
08:47because I drank all the mixers out of the mini bar and the yogurt's all I have left
08:51from breakfast when I thought I could eat solid food but I was wrong.
08:54And I'm going to find the blog where you say I suck and it'll hurt my feelings.
08:59So let me circumvent your blog before you even write it by answering in kind, go fuck
09:05yourself.
09:06I don't care what your opinion is.
09:08Jack Cafferty pretends to care.
09:11Go log on to his stupid show.
09:14I hate sport.
09:15If you ask me, sport belongs in a news bulletin about as much as a mummified cat's head belongs
09:19in a Caesar salad.
09:21So imagine my confused horror when quite recently a sports story without any sport in it made
09:26it into the news.
09:27The saga began when England captain John Terry, this bloke apparently, allegedly cheated on
09:31his wife with a lingerie model who used to go out with one of his teammates.
09:35The news of the world were about to print these allegations when Terry's lawyers took
09:38out a super injunction.
09:39Super injunctions are interesting legal weapons really, they don't just gag the press, they
09:43gag them from mentioning the existence of the gag.
09:46In other words, you know how people used to say, I could tell you but then I'd have to
09:49kill you?
09:50Well these days they just kill you.
09:51Anyway, a judge lifted the super gag, much to the delight of the triumphant news of the
09:55world lawyer with a logo stuck to his head who turned up all over the shop to cry about
09:59what a victory for free speech this was.
10:01Too often in these cases the public's right to know is ignored in preference to the so-called
10:08protection of incredibly wealthy and pampered footballers and other celebrities.
10:13Hmm, yeah, you know they hate the wealthy and pampered at News International because
10:16they're owned by one of the poorest and least indulged billionaires on the planet.
10:21Now everyone was free to gab about it, the story got more traction than it deserved,
10:24making the leap to stern TV news bulletins in the process.
10:28Will Terry's secret affect his England captaincy?
10:31A gagging order is lifted about his private life.
10:34But the question of whether Terry would remain captain wasn't going to be answered for a
10:37week.
10:38He wasn't talking, his wife was away, his teammates were making no comment, the model
10:41was weighing up her options, and the England manager was overseas recovering from a knee-op.
10:45Nothing was happening.
10:47So in order to justify its presence in the bulletin, the news had to play keepy-uppy
10:50with the story.
10:51One way to keep the ball in the air is to repeatedly report on the fact that you're
10:55repeatedly reporting on it.
10:56That way you can refer to mounting pressure.
10:59Pressure is mounting on the England captain John Terry.
11:01Pressure on John Terry didn't show on the pitch.
11:03There's no letter in the pressure on John Terry this morning.
11:07Or you can say there are growing calls for him to resign.
11:09There have been growing calls for him to resign.
11:11There are growing calls for John Terry to be sacked.
11:14The England captain faces growing calls to quit.
11:17Combine the mounting pressure with the growing calls and you've got yourself a media whirlwind,
11:21which you can also refer to.
11:22There is no easing of the media whirlwind swirling around John Terry today.
11:27To ensure the pressure kept up, the reporters got their stalking gear on and headed out
11:31to stand around entertainingly looking for Terry.
11:33Any sign of John Terry there today?
11:35Yes, in the past half hour I've just seen John Terry.
11:38Yes, there he was, through the trees and as the cameras peered in through the branches
11:42like a serial killer, it was easy to see where all this pressure we'd heard about was coming from.
11:46Because by now his every move was under surveillance and wherever Terry went he walked headlong
11:50into a storm.
11:51Stepping off the team bus and into a media storm.
11:55Stepping onto the pitch and into a storm of controversy.
11:58With its quarry thus encircled by a zillion watchful eyes, the news waited for something to give.
12:04Meanwhile, the tabloids were busy smearing their pages with all the shit they could find.
12:07A stealthy PR war had broken out which meant scintillating saw-away snaps of Tony Terry
12:12strategically appeared alongside aspersions about Vanessa Perenzel's morals on one side,
12:16while Max Clifford paraded his latest catch on the other, in scenes which closely resembled
12:21an age-gap romantic subplot from a rubbish soap opera he was directing.
12:25Of course, in any soap you sometimes have to do more than one take, which Max thoughtfully
12:29allowed ITN to do in this revealing clip.
12:31Hold on, you're going to have to break your neck something.
12:34If you want to go back, we'll start again from here if you want.
12:37And while Max got all Albert Square on us, we were treated to plenty of displays of expert dribbling.
12:42We heard sexy football experts dribbling about how it would affect morale.
12:46What will be the impact in the dressing room?
12:49Bearded talk show ball bags dribbling about it in radio studios.
12:53What he does in his private life is nobody's business whatsoever.
12:56It is!
12:57Erudite broadsheet pundits dribbling about it on Newsnight.
13:00He's a kind of snorting, priapic bull.
13:02That's who you want, leading the men into battle.
13:04And silly callers to the right stuff dribbling about whether they'd rather marry Terry or Tiger Woods.
13:08Helen on line two.
13:09Helen, good morning.
13:10Good morning.
13:11Er, Tiger or Terry?
13:13Erm, I'll go for a Tiger.
13:15But perhaps the finest displays of dribbling of all were performed by extreme self-caricature
13:19wag Lizzy Cundy, who was suddenly omnipresent.
13:22As a wag, Lizzy Cundy knows how tough life can be in the spotlight.
13:26She spilled her brains on the Five News sofa.
13:29No one knows more than John Terry today how foolish he's been.
13:33Yeah, and the real tragedy is he's also too foolish to appreciate what insight his own foolishness gives him.
13:39She appeared on family-friendly GMTV to hear Ben Shepard say players shouldn't let an erection cloud their judgement.
13:45Even if these girls are throwing themselves at the footballers, no matter how hard it is, they should be able to say no.
13:50She even took part in synchronised dribbling as Sky News brought blokes and birds together for a polarising debate about it,
13:56all in which a blokey bloke bloked on about how it broke the sacred credo of bloke.
14:00If you apply bloke rules, bloke rules that, you know, we talk about down the pub, you know, over a beer,
14:05people will say he's completely out of order.
14:08Yeah, completely out of order over your pint of tits.
14:11Ah, down your bloke pub.
14:13Let's be honest, if John Terry scores the winning girl in the World Cup, you know, people are going to forget about this.
14:20Yes, of course, if Terry scores the winning girl in the World Cup, people will indeed forget about this,
14:25but shouldn't he be playing as captain?
14:27In The Sun, Ian Wright suggested that players should hold a ballot,
14:30a scenario illustrated with a startlingly realistic image of Wayne Rooney at the ballot box,
14:34casting what was either a very vague vote or possibly his signature.
14:38Meanwhile, according to every sanctimonious tittermaboob in Pressville, John Terry should definitely go,
14:43although most punters quizzed by Sky didn't seem quite as judgemental as the journalists.
14:47It's off the pitch, we shouldn't really care what happens off the pitch.
14:50It's his personal life and he should be allowed to deal with that himself,
14:53without it being in the papers, the press, everywhere you look.
14:57He's done nothing wrong that thousands of people in this country haven't done since time immemorial,
15:02especially people like MPs, people at the higher end of the strata, so...
15:06There's a man who's never seen the Jeremy Kyle show.
15:08Although some of their viewers, presumably sickened by the sight of Terry looming large
15:12and peering over the host's shoulder, seemed less than impressed with the whole of football.
15:16Emails coming in saying, you know, what's the matter with these footballers?
15:20They can't string a sentence together and yet they say that, you know, they have...
15:28Still, the question of whether Terry should be captain or not was about to be answered
15:31as Fabio Capello returned to act as a pressure magnet.
15:34All the pressure now on Fabio Capello.
15:36In fact, the pressure was now on both of them and the coverage reached fever pitch.
15:39Capello was bothered at the airport.
15:41No comments, please.
15:42Excuse me, guys.
15:43When you were expecting to meet him?
15:44No comments, please.
15:46Just an eye, please.
15:47He was followed to his car.
15:49He was shown limping into his flat.
15:51Lives in a top floor flat.
15:52It's quite a crime, isn't it, when you've just had an operation on your knee?
15:55The next morning, he was helpfully shown limping out of his flat.
15:57Sky's vulture cam took to the skies so we could look down on John Terry
16:01slightly more than we already did.
16:02And other cameras showed him leaving the Chelsea grounds on his way to Wembley in his car.
16:06As Capello waited at Wembley, the news desperately zoomed in on any vehicle
16:09which looked like it might be driven by an adulterer.
16:12And then the meeting itself took place and the inevitable occurred.
16:15John Terry has been sacked as England captain
16:17after a week of damaging allegations about his personal life.
16:21Yes, Terry got the chop.
16:22All that pressure had paid off.
16:24The one good bit of news for John Terry was that, for whatever reason,
16:27Vanessa wasn't going to sell her story,
16:29an announcement she made via Max Clifford,
16:31who now appeared to be directing a soap scene about his own private life.
16:34Yeah, we're up to speed.
16:36Yeah, straight down the road.
16:37Talking at this level.
16:38OK, I haven't spoken to anybody about my private life.
16:44They have spoken to everybody about my private life.
16:48Anyway, if a super injunction makes a story disappear
16:51because the news can't talk about it,
16:52the whole Terry affair was the polar opposite,
16:54a leerage story that largely exists because the news is talking about it.
16:58It was an unedifying tussle over the sexual morality
17:01of a man who kicks a ball around on a lawn for a living,
17:03which made everyone involved look a bit rubbish,
17:05but worst of all, upset one little boy.
17:08Were you upset by the decision?
17:11Proud of yourself, are you, The News?
17:13You monster.
17:20Creatures, and it's been a high-profile week for beasties of all stripes
17:24as Sky broadcast a stomach-churning report on the growing trade for leeches.
17:28It seems the medieval bloodsuckers have garnered new-found popularity
17:31after being touted on gaudy chat shows by celebrity idiots.
17:35It crawls in, and you feel it bite down on you.
17:39Actually, I think she's describing sex with Ashton Kutcher.
17:42And then you just watch it swell up and get fatter and fatter.
17:45Well, that's what happens in a relationship.
17:47That glitzy Hollywood endorsement was good news
17:50for the owners of this horrible Russian leech farm.
17:52The female-dominated workforce makes for a maternal atmosphere.
17:56There is always contact and a special relationship
17:59between humans and leeches.
18:01Women have a maternal instinct,
18:03so they are better at doing this delicate and complicated work than men.
18:07Hope they don't breastfeed them.
18:09Having depicted the delightful leech-rearing process,
18:11Sky showed us a great interview with a leech fan.
18:15It always gives me beautiful, healthy skin.
18:18The blood flows to my face and makes it younger.
18:21The gory climax of the treatment is cutting the gorged leech in half
18:26and covering the face with the resulting blood.
18:29Oh, women.
18:31From leech blood to rat justice,
18:33there's another informative Sky report
18:34dispassionately covers charges of animal cruelty
18:37lodged in an Australian court
18:38following last year's murder of a rat on I'm a Celebrity.
18:41In case you're wondering how the rat got on,
18:43let's take a look at some of its best bits.
18:46Magistrate Mark Buscombe said it was clear
18:48that unnecessary pain had been inflicted
18:50and that a corporate entity of the size of ITV
18:53needed to exercise greater care when having an animal killed
18:56for the purpose of causing greater sensationalism
18:58and attention for its programme.
19:00I'm sure they'll bear that in mind when they make that show
19:02where Ant and Dec kill a dog.
19:04Yes, thank God you won't have to witness anything like this
19:06because ITV are taking steps to make sure it never happens again.
19:10This was an oversight and we have since thoroughly reviewed
19:12our procedures and are putting in place
19:14a comprehensive training programme
19:16to ensure that this does not happen in future series.
19:19I'd like to see what that comprehensive training programme looks like.
19:22I'm sure it's terribly thorough.
19:24But rats weren't the only animals shown slipping down the human gullet
19:26as ITV transmitted a startling report on the culture war
19:29between dog lovers and dog eaters in China.
19:32You'd never think of eating your dog then?
19:34No, no, no.
19:36No, no, no.
19:38Yes, apparently modern Chinese folk are coming round to the thought
19:41that dogs might be people too.
19:43I used to eat dogs, but when I started caring for them,
19:46I got a different feeling.
19:48I can't eat them any more.
19:50I imagine I'll be the same when I have children.
19:52Of course, no report on dog eating would be complete
19:54without a grisly money shot of some dog eating.
19:56This is a skin. It's very good for you.
19:59The meat is nutritious and warming in the cold weather.
20:02When I see him in a stew like that,
20:04I think dogs are a bit like onions, really.
20:06Every time I cut one up, I start crying.
20:08Now, here is some verse inspired by recent events,
20:11courtesy of our resident poet, Tim Key.
20:17This is a...
20:21..a poem about politicians.
20:23Dreadful...
20:26I'm thinking of the C word.
20:28There was a big do arranged
20:30for all the MPs to discuss how wretched they were
20:34and to eat humble pie as regards to the expenses fiasco.
20:40The press were invited and everyone had to drink
20:43and mingle and apologise as much as possible.
20:46Hoon
20:48sidestepped a hack
20:51and waddled over to Ed Balls.
20:54"'Ere, is this wine free?'
20:57he asked.
21:00Straw poked his beak in.
21:02"'Might not be.
21:04"'Cos we've all been naughty.'
21:06"'I don't think it is free,'
21:08Whiddicombe squawked,
21:10sipping from her hip flask.
21:12The waiters served up braised venison
21:14and potatoes and fishes in sherry.
21:16But increasingly the MPs declined
21:19for fear of actually being paid.
21:21As some gritted their teeth
21:23or gnawed at their lips from the hunger
21:25Whiddicombe unwrapped her sarnies.
21:29The Milibands winked at her
21:31and ate their little yoghurts
21:33they'd stowed in their little briefcases.
21:36After a couple of speeches
21:38admitting they were all wankers
21:40the MPs spilled out into the road.
21:42Some confused, abortive hailing of black cabs ensued.
21:45There was no going back.
21:47Some confused, abortive hailing
21:49of black cabs ensued.
21:51There was no guarantee there'd be freebies, you see.
21:54Hoon turned to Balls.
21:56"'Ere, do you know anything about night buses?'
22:01Balls tapped his bicycle helmet
22:03and pointed at his trouser clips.
22:07Hoon nodded
22:09and he huffed
22:13and he set off on foot
22:15to his nearest home.
22:19Question. What's got two faces
22:21and one giant pair of balls?
22:23Answer. The average MP.
22:25Huh? Am I right? I think I am.
22:27Huh? Hmm?
22:29Yes, following the expenses stinkfest
22:31many believe the House of Commons contains
22:33more con artists than a Hustle box set.
22:35I mean, I haven't seen so many dirty snouts
22:37and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space
22:39since I last looked inside a sausage.
22:41Recently Westminster tried to draw a line
22:43in the John Sorry saga by getting Sir Thomas Legg
22:45to review the expenses system.
22:47His Legg report asked MPs to pay back
22:49over a million pounds.
22:51That's the sort of news that makes everybody laugh.
22:5310 to 3, the headlines.
22:57MPs are ordered to repay more than
22:59a million pounds for expenses.
23:01A long-awaited review says the system
23:03is deeply flawed.
23:05But worse was to come for the beleaguered political class
23:07because the Crown Prosecution Service
23:09announced it was preparing to press charges
23:11against some MPs.
23:13Once again the BBC threw live to the scene
23:15of the CPS reception, which their reporter
23:17was standing outside. Brilliantly positioned
23:19so she wouldn't be able to witness the QCDPP
23:21of the CPS dropping some MPs in the SA20.
23:23He revealed that three Labour MPs
23:25and one Tory peer were going to be charged.
23:27And just to put noses further out of joint
23:29their lawyers raised the issue of
23:31parliamentary privilege, a law so old
23:33it was carved into the side of a termit
23:35back in 1689.
23:37The thought of this being used as a legal defence
23:40for politicians facing criminal charges
23:42made almost every newspaper columnist in the land
23:44unbelievably angry.
23:46On the BBC News channel political commentator
23:48Anthony Howard was so flabbergasted
23:50he forgot one of his own areas of expertise.
23:52What the three MPs
23:54are trying to say is that
23:56submission of expenses is proceeding
23:58in Parliament. I think that's stretching
24:00things a bit myself, but there we are.
24:02I'm not, well I am actually a lawyer.
24:04One of the accused,
24:06Jim Devine, cut a lonely figure on Channel 4 News
24:08if you ignored all the reporters
24:10thronging around him. He seemed very keen
24:12to get his side of the story across in the media.
24:14When Sky excitedly threw live
24:16to their correspondent for an interview
24:18with Mr Devine they appeared to capture a workman
24:20in the background having a crafty piss and a fag.
24:22That's it, just stub it out in the piss
24:24and walk away like nothing's happened.
24:26Textbook stealth. Bet he's shit hot
24:28and Metal Gear Solid.
24:30In an amusing interview with Channel 4 News
24:32Devine seemed to almost outwit
24:34Krishnanguru Murthy by appearing too stupid
24:36to argue with. What you seem to have
24:38explained to us is that you
24:40put in a false receipt.
24:42It was a receipt for one thing
24:44which said another, and that's
24:46obviously why they've come after you.
24:48No, no, the
24:50false receipt would be if the
24:52£5,500 was going to my pocket.
24:54No, it's false
24:56if it wasn't what you said it was.
24:58This is a bit like watching a semantic
25:00tussle between a magistrate and a cloth.
25:02But you can see, I mean surely, that
25:04a receipt that says one thing
25:06but is actually for another
25:08is a false receipt.
25:10Is a sorry what receipt?
25:12Surely you can see if you just take a step back
25:14for a second where the rest of us are looking from
25:16that if you put in a receipt
25:18for one thing and it's actually for something else
25:20that is false
25:22and therefore you've broken the law.
25:24That sounds reasonable
25:26but if Krishnan took a step back for a second
25:28from his position and looked at this in a cosmic way
25:30he'd see we're all just atoms
25:32in a big meaningless swirling soup
25:34that none of this matters and the word
25:36law is just a noise made of air.
25:38All the main party leaders were keen
25:40to be seen to be outraged by the whole thing.
25:42Gordon Brown said it was serious.
25:44These are very serious criminal allegations.
25:46David Cameron said it was serious.
25:48These are extremely serious matters.
25:50And Nick Clegg said it was...
25:52The fact that three Labour MPs
25:54and only one Tory peer were charged
25:56was great news for the humanoid David
25:58Cameron who promptly stood in front of the cast
26:00of skins delivering a speech in which he
26:02repeatedly promised to fix broken politics.
26:04Today I want to talk about
26:06how we fix our broken
26:08politics. Why should people believe
26:10that we will fix our broken
26:12politics. Fixing broken politics.
26:14Broken politics. Tomorrow we publish
26:16our draft manifesto on fixing
26:18broken politics. We've got to
26:20fix our broken politics and we've
26:22got to start fixing it right now.
26:24You want to start by fixing that broken record?
26:26Part of his fixing plan would involve
26:28making lobbying more transparent and MPs
26:30more accountable. Mainly though it would involve
26:32ousting Gordon Brown who the humanoid
26:34was understandably keen to finger
26:36as the personal embodiment of the entire
26:38expenses mess.
26:40He represents the dying days of secrecy
26:42and suspicion. We are a new generation
26:44at ease with openness and
26:46trust. Yes the gloves are truly
26:48off in the run up to the election. If only we
26:50knew when it was. We still haven't got a date
26:52for the general election. May the 6th.
26:54But listening to the politicians you'd think
26:56we were already in the thick of it.
26:58I think you'll find that's got interesting dialogue in it.
27:00But what are voters concerned about? Well
27:02our political editor Nick Robinson is travelling
27:04across the UK to find out.
27:06Yes the BBC's Nick Robinson
27:08was so keen to find out what the pleb
27:10in the road really thinks about politics
27:12he hit the streets last week to tour marginal
27:14constituencies in his funny little car.
27:16It was a bit like an episode of Mr Bean
27:18really minus any of the good elements
27:20of an episode of Mr Bean. The series
27:22was called Taking the Pulse but it should really
27:24have been called Lugging the Box since that's what
27:26he spent most of his time doing.
27:28He took his special ballot box everywhere
27:30into factories, round curry
27:32houses, down pavements. He even let
27:34it ride on the roof rack of his car even though
27:36it clearly fit on the back seat this show off.
27:38His first port of call was
27:40Cardiff where he eagerly entered a Welsh gym.
27:42Which is something John Barrowman probably did a lot
27:44during the filming of Torchwood.
27:46Once inside its warm walls he asked the
27:48Keep Fit fanatics within if they wanted another
27:50five years of labour. Although
27:52most of them were sweating like they'd just done
27:54five years of labour.
27:56I would despair I think of five years of labour.
27:58I haven't seen a man sweat like that since
28:00actually I don't want to go
28:02into it. Next he hit the north
28:04to the stereotypical northern town
28:06of Pendle where he shared a bed with some northerners
28:08to ask them. Do the conservatives
28:10understand people like you? I don't think
28:12that conservatives
28:14ever understand the working man.
28:16They do if they've got the subtitles on.
28:18From the north to the midlands.
28:20Wake up Dudley. You can decide
28:22who's in power for the next few years.
28:24Morning Tiggy.
28:26Don't ask her she'll vote for Eagle Piggle.
28:28Anyway during his tour Nick asked
28:30everyone for their opinions. Men standing too
28:32close to the camera. Women reflected
28:34in his specs. People furiously tugging
28:36their bells. But despite the
28:38widespread of voters it isn't the most rigorously
28:40conducted poll I've ever seen.
28:42You can put a tick or an X or a
28:44question mark. There's hardly any secrecy.
28:46Some of the voters look like they've been
28:48drinking. Some clearly aren't 18.
28:50There's wholesale deliberate damage to the ballot
28:52papers going on. Children shit into
28:54the ballot box. And some of the questions
28:56are a philosophical mindf**k.
28:58Oh and at the end he just pisses off without even
29:00telling you the results. Mind you to be fair
29:02it was better than the Afghan election.
29:04Well that's all we've got time for
29:06this week. Goodnight.
29:18Thanks for watching!
29:20Subscribe for more!