• 5 months ago
Muffin Top - A Love Story Full
#reelshort #Fullreelshort #billionaire #ceo
#reelshorts #haibarashow #fullshorttv #flextv #shorttv #shortmax #movieshort #hotshort #filmhot #englishmovieonly #hotmovie
#reelshort #haibarashow #fullshorttv #flextv #shorttv #shortmax #movieshort #hotshort #filmhot #englishmovieonly #hotmovie
#bingeworthy
#reborn
#relationship
#thedoublelifeofmybillionairehusband
Transcript
00:00You're running out of time to get these buns in your oven, Cookie.
00:06Statistically speaking, the day you turn 40, your chances drop by half.
00:10Boom!
00:11You know, I called over to the lab, and they haven't received your husband's sperm yet.
00:16Five more days, we're gonna have to freeze those eggs.
00:19What's his big problem, anyway?
00:21He's very busy.
00:22Big TV executive can't find the time to jerk off?
00:25I thought that's what they're best at.
00:29Well, you better get a jar, and you better drive it to the lab yourself.
00:32Get on the stick, sister.
00:34Okay, I'll do it.
00:40You can't just drop by the office for a jar of sperm.
00:43I'm taking the week off so that I could get knocked up and so that I could neuter the dog.
00:47Look, honey, I get that the hormone shots are making you moody.
00:51Moody?
00:52Do you realize that I have gained one pound for every single day this week?
00:56Look, sweetheart, a man in my position can't just jerk off in an equal opportunity workplace.
01:02I have a private bathroom. What's that for?
01:04Michael.
01:05It's not for that.
01:06Oh, hey, speak of the devil.
01:08Oh, I'm sorry.
01:12Oh, I'm sorry.
01:13Don't worry, I was just telling my wife about what a great place this is to work.
01:17You know, that equal pay for equal work and blah, blah, blah.
01:23Jessica's in reality.
01:24Right, we have some awesome new shows.
01:26Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
01:27Wow.
01:28Well, so this has been great.
01:30Jessica, thanks very much, and I'll be with you shortly.
01:34Oh, sure, sorry, thanks.
01:37Nice to meet you.
01:38Nice to meet you.
01:39Super cute dog.
01:40I like his little outfit.
01:45She couldn't be more adorable.
01:49I don't even know why we're in couples therapy today.
01:52We're actually really happy.
01:53It's just that I'm trying to get pregnant, and we just sort of thought, you know, we'd come in and do a little preventative something.
02:01You know, I mean, it's not like we really have any issues.
02:03It's probably just a waste of time.
02:06Well, Suzanne, as you know.
02:08Oh, my God.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:10You're leaving me.
02:13You're leaving me.
02:14You're leaving me.
02:15He's leaving me.
02:16He's leaving me.
02:17You're leaving me.
02:18We've talked about these hormone-induced mood swings you've been having.
02:22This is not a hormone-induced mood swing.
02:23This is how he fires people.
02:25I've heard him do it on the phone.
02:26He says he's praying.
02:27I know, I know, I know, I know.
02:28Please sit down so we can work through this.
02:30Oh, my God.
02:31Michael, would you like to address about what Suzanne just said about you leaving her?
02:37Could you please address that?
02:41Oh, I'm leaving her.
02:42I decided months ago, but that's why I wanted to freeze the eggs.
02:45I'm really the practical one in the relationship.
02:47When she goes back on the marketplace, she can either get fertilized by a sperm donor or an ex-partner.
02:53It's really for her.
02:54I realize I'm not going to get any credit for that, and I'm actually fine with that.
02:58Oh, I can't hear this anymore.
02:59Suzanne, could you please sit down again so we can address this before we can move on?
03:05Hey, Suzanne, I wanted you to hear this from me.
03:08I'm getting married to Jessica.
03:10You met her.
03:11Oh, and also, she's pregnant.
03:13Okay, bye.
03:14Sherry, who's on three?
03:16I thought we were.
03:19Hi.
03:20Hi.
03:21Wow, I always really did admire you.
03:23When I was an undergraduate, I actually took your class.
03:26Then you took my husband.
03:30Then you took my husband.
03:35Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:37Hey, hey.
03:38Cut it out.
03:39Give me that.
03:40Cut it out.
03:41Give me that.
03:42Give me that.
03:43Give me that.
03:44Give me that.
03:46Please, just move in.
03:47Where are you anyway?
03:48I am sitting in my $400 baby jogger with Boo Boo,
03:54trying to teach him how to like it so that we can go jogging together.
03:57Okay, that's it.
03:59You're moving in.
04:02Honey, I had to.
04:03I love Suzanne.
04:04I know.
04:05She's got her dog in a baby stroller.
04:09I found this awesome dating service called It's Just Drinks.
04:13You're not serious.
04:14You're not serious.
04:15It is.
04:16It's just drinks.
04:17Terrible idea.
04:18It's a great idea.
04:19I already signed us up and paid for us both.
04:21We are not doing it.
04:22You are married.
04:23Look, I just want to check out what my current market value is
04:26when I'm not driving a minivan covered in My Little Pony stickers.
04:30Okay, and Barnaby, he's super cool with that.
04:32Oh, I'm sure he's very cool.
04:33He is super cool with anything that gets me to shave above the knee.
04:36All right?
04:37All right, well, that I can believe.
04:39Let's mix, mingle, and remember, it's just drinks.
04:44You're a car salesman.
04:45That's awesome.
04:46Good for you.
04:47What will it take for you to say yes to sleeping with me tonight?
04:55Huh?
04:57I don't know.
04:58How about a tsunami?
05:00What are you driving these days?
05:02I'm driving a Ford.
05:06Thank you.
05:07Suzanne sounds European.
05:08You should be in a European car.
05:09That's just saying.
05:10Well, thank you.
05:11I'll call you in two years when my lease is up, okay?
05:13Thank you.
05:15We're getting a divorce.
05:17He gets the house and I get the coffee shop, I guess.
05:20Wow.
05:21I hope you guys can stay friends.
05:22You know, you're both really nice people.
05:26He cheated on me.
05:27I never liked him.
05:31You have a little thing.
05:33What?
05:35Michael never tells me when I have a chocolate mustache
05:38or when he's impregnating his coworkers.
05:41Sorry.
05:42That might have been more than you wanted to know.
05:48I keep telling her she just has to go out there
05:50and get that first time over with.
05:52I actually say that sex after a breakup is like the first waffle.
05:56You know, if it's no good, you throw it out.
05:58But it gets the iron ready for the other waffles.
06:02My iron is ready.
06:03I've been spraying it with non-stick hormones.
06:06If I were in your shoes, I'd do it with one of the old
06:095,000 smoking hot young men on that campus.
06:12A student?
06:13The simple fact is there is no human more grateful
06:16than a 20-something-year-old man you just slept with.
06:20Hey, I got the inside perspective on that one.
06:22Hello.
06:23Oh, hon.
06:24I don't think this drinking thing is going to work out for you.
06:30Listen, people usually go out for coffee on the first date,
06:34but you and I have had coffee like a ridiculous amount of times.
06:38Plus, I saved you from drinking your own pee,
06:40which I think should count for something.
06:42So, I was wondering...
06:48Could I cook dinner for you at my place?
06:51Could I cook dinner for you at my place?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Okay.
06:55Good.
06:56So, when did Jared start serving waffles in that coffee shop?
07:01First waffle.
07:03Shut up.
07:04He's like, what, 12?
07:05No, I think he's 30.
07:07And I can't believe you are going to a tranny for a sex makeover.
07:11Shut up.
07:14Now, quality lingerie is to 40-year-old sex.
07:17Whatever you can do to get your hair big, do it.
07:20Okay.
07:21Now, as for the boobs, we're going to kick it up a notch
07:25with these chicken cutlets.
07:29Hold that.
07:30Let me get these girls in here.
07:32Hello, mama.
07:34Wow.
07:35I know.
07:36I know it's cold, honey, but look.
07:38Bam.
07:39Maximum firepower right there.
07:42Yo, and the most important part, here you go.
07:44Spread them.
07:45There's a pee flap.
07:46Hello.
07:47Check it out.
07:48Okay.
07:49It's very handy.
07:50I don't know.
07:51It's a lot to remember.
07:52I just don't...
07:53I don't think I can do this.
07:54Oh, of course you can.
07:55And you know what?
07:56I made you a checklist.
07:57Do not take off the heels and do not take off the bustier.
08:00What if he asks me to?
08:01You tell him no.
08:02Believe me, it's not a deal breaker for him.
08:04Bam.
08:06You're really pretty.
08:08Do you mind if I say that?
08:09No.
08:22Oh, I, um, sorry.
08:24I have to, uh, I just have to go to the bathroom.
08:26Oh, okay.
08:27Yeah, okay.
08:28It's right there.
08:33Okay.
08:47Jesus.
09:03Hey.
09:04Wait.
09:05Are you okay?
09:06Yeah, no, I'm good.
09:07I'll be out.
09:08I'll just be out in a minute.
09:09One second.
09:12Come on.
09:30Oh, my God.
09:31Oh!
09:48Oh, God, oh, there's something.
09:49It's a hair thing.
09:51I got it.
09:52No, I got it.
09:53Let me get it.
09:54I got it.
09:55It's a hair thing.
09:56It's supposed to make my hair big.
09:57Thank you.
09:58I'm so sorry.
09:59It's like a hair toy.
10:00It's weird.
10:01It's not weird.
10:02I'm sorry.
10:03Hey.
10:04Let's take this off.
10:05No.
10:06No.
10:07Um.
10:08Okay.
10:09I'm sorry.
10:10It's not weird.
10:11I would rather...
10:12It's fucked now.
10:13I like it.
10:14Oh my god.
10:15Come on.
10:16Oh.
10:17Oh.
10:18You know what?
10:19Let's go under the covers.
10:20I'm really, really cold.
10:21Okay?
10:22Okay.
10:23Hey.
10:24What is that?
10:25Shut up!
10:26What?
10:27Oh, God!
10:28What?
10:29Ah!
10:30Ah!
10:31Shh.
10:32What is it?
10:33Oh, God!
10:34Shh.
10:35What is it?
10:36Coming.
10:37They're coming.
10:38What is it?
10:39Oh, God!
10:40Ah!
10:41Ah!
10:42Ah!
10:43Ah!
10:44Oh, God!
10:45No, shit!
10:46Oh, God.
10:47Oh, God!
10:48Oh!
10:49Oh, oh, oh.
10:50Let's get this man.
10:51It's dark in here.
10:52What is it?
10:53Oh, God!
10:54What is it?
10:55It's a boob thing.
10:56It's my boob thing.
10:57I just...
10:58Wait, wait, what's a...
10:59It's a fake boob thing.
11:00I wouldn't...
11:01Why do you have a fake boob thing?
11:02You're pretty awesome.
11:03Stupid!
11:04God, I'm an idiot.
11:05You know what?
11:06I'm just...
11:07I'm just not ready for this.
11:08What?
11:09I just feel stupid and old.
11:10Oh, God.
11:11Oh, God.
11:12Oh, God.
11:13Oh, God.
11:14Oh, God.
11:15Oh, God.
11:16Oh, God.
11:17Oh, God.
11:18Oh, God.
11:19Oh, God.
11:20Oh, God.
11:22You're not old.
11:24Hey, you don't need all this shit.
11:27I mean, it's...
11:29I liked it.
11:30I mean, it's actually pretty cool, but it's kind of...
11:33It just...
11:34It freaked me out.
11:35It felt like an alien heart.
11:40I'm sorry.
11:41I just...
11:42You know what it is.
11:43I just really have not had sex with anyone
11:46except my husband for, like, a decade.
11:50Hey, I have an idea.
12:00What?
12:02What?
12:04Shut up, just lie down.
12:06Stay there.
12:08Oh, you know what?
12:10I have to...
12:12I like it, okay?
12:14Actually.
12:16I love it.
12:18And I'm really good at it.
12:20Like, really good at it, so just...
12:22Relax.
12:28Oh.
12:30Oh.
12:32Yes, you are.
12:34Hey, wanna go get some ice cream?
12:36Yes.
12:38I have some in my freezer.
12:40Let's go.
12:42I hope you like mint chocolate chip.
12:44So I have to call in an early night.
12:46You're not a student. What are you talking about?
12:48I'm getting my MBA
12:50through Malibu Beach Extension, so...
12:52Really?
12:56Hey, are you like a big fan
12:58of that actress, Marsha Wallace?
13:00I mean, so does she. She's my mom, so...
13:02Seriously?
13:04Yeah.
13:06No, that's funny.
13:08She actually told me to sleep with a student.
13:10She probably didn't mean you.
13:12My mom said that?
13:14That's funny.
13:16Jared, you home?
13:18Oh, hi, doll.
13:28Well, now,
13:30isn't this awkward?
13:32I'm probably gonna go get changed.
13:34I would. Thank you so much.
13:36I can't decide.
13:38I gotta go.
13:40Not another word.
13:44God.
13:54It's like a
13:56horror movie.
13:58Revenge of the Chocolate or something.
14:04Muffin top, muffin top,
14:06you've got a muffin top,
14:08muffin top.
14:10Sit.
14:12There you are.
14:14Now, the key to weight loss
14:16is within our own bodies.
14:18You see, your mind
14:20manufactured your
14:22fat.
14:24Honestly, I think I manufactured it with hormone injections
14:26and M&M's.
14:28You don't have to talk anymore.
14:30Just lift up your shirt.
14:32I want to talk to that fat of yours face to face.
14:34Oh, I just don't really...
14:36Just lift it up. I've seen lots of this kind of thing.
14:38Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
14:40Please pull that down. Now...
14:42I need you to
14:44mail me your stool sample
14:46in this envelope. It is self-sealing.
14:48Do not do as many people do
14:50and lick it.
14:52And this right here, these are your supplements.
14:54All right.
14:58Come on, you son of a bitch.
15:01Okay.
15:05Oh, Jesus.
15:07Here, let me.
15:09No, no.
15:11I'm so sorry. That was so weird.
15:13I just... I have this thing where, like,
15:15if I don't see it go in,
15:17I just gaslight myself.
15:19Like this old black-and-white movie.
15:21Where Charles Boyer
15:23tries to make Ingrid Bergman think she's crazy.
15:25Yes.
15:27I love that movie.
15:29I do, too.
15:31It's just some stupid crap I have to send.
15:33I'm treating it like it's gold.
15:35Did it go in there? Am I crazy?
15:37Yeah, it's just...
15:39some crap.
15:41Thank you.
15:43You're welcome.
15:45See ya.
15:51I gotta go.
15:53Okay.
15:55Bye.
15:58Okay.
16:00I'm getting liposuction.
16:02I know it's stupid.
16:04I know I don't need it.
16:06I just want it.
16:08I just want it.
16:10I want it the way
16:12a middle-aged man
16:14wants a Mercedes-Benz.
16:16So what do you think?
16:18So what do you think?
16:20You had me at,
16:22I'm getting liposuction.
16:24Did you?
16:27Did you get my message?
16:29I just want to do
16:31the Angelina husband-stealing
16:33lip please.
16:35You can take the fat
16:37that you are gonna take
16:39directly out of my butt,
16:41and you can put it into my lips
16:43so that people
16:45can actually
16:47kiss my ass.
16:49Did I tell you
16:51that the woman
16:53that stole my husband
16:56has those lips?
16:58Those...
17:00They're beautiful.
17:02Okay.
17:04I'm gonna give you
17:06a temporary injection
17:08into your lips of saline.
17:10That is going to give you
17:12the proof that you're talking about.
17:14It's temporary.
17:16Hey, Suze.
17:18Did you forget
17:20you're speaking on a panel today?
17:22Oh, God.
17:24It's just an allergic reaction
17:26to the lidocaine
17:28in the saline solution,
17:30and that you need
17:32to worry about a thing
17:34because it's gonna go down.
17:36It's gonna go down.
17:38Oh, my God!
17:40It worked!
17:42Eventually.
17:44I mean, not today,
17:46but it will go down.
17:48It will.
17:50Okay, here.
17:52There.
17:54Look at this.
17:56What?
17:58No one's gonna say anything.
18:00It's racist.
18:02She said it was
18:04only gonna be temporary.
18:06No, it is temporary.
18:08Actually, I just want you
18:10to shut up.
18:12Oh, my God, what happened to you?
18:14Linda, we're having
18:16a little nip-tuck situation.
18:18Didn't you get my message?
18:20Yeah.
18:22He's here. He's on the panel.
18:24Oh, no, no, no.
18:26Just don't talk. Don't talk.
18:28It's a panel. She has to talk.
18:30Okay, okay, calm down.
18:32It's a ballot.
18:34Ladies and gentlemen,
18:36please welcome Dr. Cameron Scott.
18:38Cameron Scott, this is Suzanne.
18:42Oh, my God.
18:44Here, let me.
18:46No, no.
18:50Oh, my God.
18:58Jane Austen,
19:00arguably the most widely read
19:02English novelist in history,
19:04never actually put her name
19:06on her work because...
19:12writing novels was considered vulgar.
19:14Every single one of her books
19:16was published as simply
19:19Suzanne, um,
19:21what are your thoughts?
19:23Uh...
19:28Women writers have been
19:30completely ignored.
19:32And, um...
19:34Cut it out.
19:36I'm really not trying to be funny.
19:38I just, um...
19:40Thank you.
19:42Stop it.
19:44Why are you laughing so much?
19:46Ah!
19:56Your viral video has
19:58five million views.
20:00Awesome.
20:02No, Andrea, it is not awesome.
20:04Go clean your room. Go read a dictionary.
20:06I hate you.
20:08Good. That's what I was going for.
20:10You know, Suzanne, I found this in your room
20:12and I was just wondering,
20:14do you have anything you want to tell me?
20:16You know what? It's a weight loss.
20:18Oh, it is? Look at how skinny I'm getting.
20:20Oh, okay. All right, I will.
20:22Fine. Hang on.
20:24Oh, God.
20:26It's Hayes, my attorney.
20:28We're closing this thing.
20:30Hi. What?
20:32Are you kidding me?
20:34Are you kidding me? Oh, my...
20:36What? What did he say?
20:38After I gave on the 401K?
20:40Are you kidding me? What?
20:42Hang on one second.
20:44Michael wants his fancy blender back,
20:46and if he doesn't get it back,
20:48he's gonna go for dog custody.
20:50He cannot have Boo-Boo. We will fight this.
20:52Okay, um, he says that for sure
20:54he would get halftime custody.
20:56Hayes, fine. Screw it.
20:58Just close it.
21:00Let him have it.
21:02He's not getting my dog.
21:04I can't believe it.
21:06I will get the blender to him.
21:08I'll make sure he gets it.
21:12Come on, come on.
21:16Hi.
21:18Hi.
21:20I knew you were gonna cheat on me.
21:22I knew you were gonna cheat on me.
21:24What?
21:26Oh.
21:28Yeah, I did cheat on you.
21:30Listen, I-I-I'm really sorry.
21:32I get it. I get it.
21:34I get it. We're not gonna date.
21:36But I wanted to say
21:38I'm sorry, though, for that scene with my mom.
21:40Oh, wow.
21:42She's very dramatic.
21:44And she's an actress,
21:46so what are you gonna do?
21:50I really enjoyed it.
21:52You.
21:54Me, too.
21:56I thought so, you know,
21:58based on your reaction at the time.
22:00I don't see why we can't be friends.
22:02Plus, you must be jonesing
22:04for a decent latte.
22:06I mean, no other barista can satisfy you
22:08like I do.
22:10That is true.
22:12True. Thank you very much.
22:14And thank you.
22:16Okay, look, I don't care what it costs.
22:18It has to be delivered upright
22:20and only to Michael Nicholson.
22:24It's a very special package
22:26for a very special person.
22:38Enjoy,
22:40you douchebag.
22:46Really?
22:48I'm just gonna email her.
22:50Okay, but you did get a big bouquet of flowers
22:52from the Cheswick Fair magazine
22:54saying congrats on the viral video.
22:56What's that about?
22:58But they're gorgeous.
23:00Oh, also, Michael called again.
23:02He's having really pissed.
23:04Oh, Jesus.
23:06Oh.
23:08Hi.
23:12Hi.
23:14You are sick, Suzanne.
23:16You need professional help.
23:18I'll have you know I've taken out a restraining order.
23:20Really? Against my fat?
23:22You know what? Knock yourself out.
23:24God.
23:26Jesus.
23:28Oh, I can smell it.
23:30Oh! Elba!
23:32Clean this shit up!
23:34So, did Michael
23:36get his little gift package?
23:38Uh, yeah.
23:40Good one, Kim. He's filing a restraining order
23:42on me, okay?
23:44And, uh, uh,
23:46I have bigger problems than you
23:48provoking my ex.
23:50Marsha Wallace is actually stalking me.
23:52What?
23:54I'm not kidding. I have to go.
23:56I have to go. Bye. Bye.
24:04Bye.
24:20Suzanne.
24:22Hi. It's Cameron.
24:24Cameron Scott. Yeah.
24:26I almost didn't recognize you.
24:28Not my crazy clown lips.
24:30I do like these better.
24:32I just wanted to say
24:34I'm sorry.
24:36Sorry.
24:38I guess that's taken care of.
24:40Listen.
24:42I was wondering if
24:44you'd like to have
24:46dinner with me.
24:48I was wondering if
24:50you'd like to have dinner with me.
24:52Insert
24:54lame excuse here.
24:56Sorry?
24:58Men always make some lame excuse
25:00while they're asking a pretty woman
25:02out to dinner, like
25:04seeing that it's a solar eclipse or something.
25:06So I thought
25:08I'd maximize my chances and let you
25:10pick the lame excuse.
25:12I'd love to spend time with you.
25:14Yes. Yeah. I'd love to. Really? Yeah.
25:16Great.
25:18When are you free?
25:20Are you parked under this building?
25:22Yes. Okay, this is gonna sound really weird,
25:24but I'm being stalked by a sitcom star
25:26and I could really use a ride.
25:28I hate when that happens.
25:30Sure, let's go.
25:32I don't know where, but let's go.
25:34Yeah.
25:38Wow.
25:40You'll do a lot to get away
25:42from a beloved TV icon
25:44whose kid you've shagged.
25:46He's not a kid.
25:48He's...
25:50He's 22.
25:52Oh, God. Why did I tell you?
25:54I'm glad you did.
25:56I'm going to get a lot of mileage
25:58out of that. Really?
26:00Is that what you think?
26:02That's what I hope.
26:06What I'm wondering is
26:08if I'm the rebound guy
26:10from the rebound guy,
26:12what are my chances?
26:16How scary is your mom?
26:18She's five feet.
26:20You can take her.
26:22Then we're good.
26:24I just had a great idea.
26:26What?
26:28How do you feel about weddings?
26:30What?
26:32How do you feel about weddings?
26:34Oh, God.
26:36Kind of like how boat people
26:38feel about boats.
26:40It's just that tomorrow
26:42I'm supposed to go to my ex-wife's
26:44new husband's pregnant daughter's wedding.
26:46I was wondering if you'd want
26:48to be my date.
26:50No.
26:52True.
26:54Including my snarly, body-sprayed
26:56teenage son, Ian.
26:58That sounds deeply unappealing.
27:00I just really don't think I'd let go.
27:06My divorce is ridiculously
27:08friendly.
27:10And my
27:12ex-wife's new husband worries
27:14that I'm lonely.
27:16Oh, my God.
27:18Well,
27:20I guess you think that just because I'm
27:22naked, I'm the kind of girl you could
27:24take to a wedding on a second date.
27:26The thing is, I don't even
27:28have anything to wear to a wedding.
27:30The bride is eight months
27:32gone. Trust me. It's not that
27:34formal.
27:36Okay. Fine.
27:38Okay.
27:40Thank you.
27:42Cheers.
27:48It's just great
27:50how you all are so friendly with each other.
27:52Cameron moved to Boston
27:54when I had some business there.
27:56Trevor's a big success in the profit business.
27:58And Ruth and I came here
28:00when he got his professorship.
28:02It's better for Ian, you know,
28:04if we're all together.
28:06This wedding is
28:08so gay.
28:10In this instance,
28:12gay means lame.
28:14Dad, no one says
28:16lame. Lame is
28:18gay.
28:20So sorry. He's being dreadful.
28:22I have to keep reminding
28:24myself my sweet boy's in there
28:26somewhere.
28:28You're an actually nice man, Martin.
28:30I think so.
28:32Is that unattractive?
28:34No.
28:36What we have to do now is to
28:38find someone for Cameron.
28:40You know, so he doesn't feel like such a third
28:42wheel when we go on holiday together.
28:44Trevor has a private jet.
28:46No, no. I just lease one.
28:48Does the trick.
28:50Wouldn't it be wonderful, darling, if these two
28:52made a go of it?
28:54Yes.
28:56How long's it been, Cameron?
28:5844 hours and 9 minutes.
29:00Probably a bit early to say yet,
29:02but here's to the success.
29:04Cheers.
29:06No pressure.
29:08It's really just almost scary
29:10how nice you people are to each other.
29:12The fact that there's been a divorce doesn't mean
29:14to say there's got to be any unpleasantness.
29:16Really?
29:18That was not
29:20my experience.
29:36Hey, it's Elise.
29:38You have to see our boss's
29:40latest video. Devorah is so
29:42crazy. Oh,
29:44and don't forget, tonight we have to
29:46do her creepy cable access show.
29:48I really
29:50don't trust a feminist
29:52who wears red lipstick.
29:54Why would you paint
29:56an orifice?
29:58And who can take what comes
30:00out of a painted orifice
30:02seriously?
30:04Women are manipulated.
30:06Read man-ipulated.
30:08Think about the Washington Monument.
30:10Now that's just an enormous
30:12phallus.
30:14If we had an Eleanor
30:16Roosevelt tunnel, we
30:18would have had a woman president
30:20years ago.
30:22Malibu Beach University
30:24Women's Studies Department presents
30:26Feminist Television.
30:30With today's guest, actress
30:32stylist from The Simpsons,
30:34fashion stylist Christine Jensen
30:36from Project CoverGirl, and
30:38Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.
30:40And our host, department chair
30:42Dr. Deborah Humphreys
30:44Hostetler, best-selling author
30:46of Aging Gratefully.
30:50We are back. Now,
30:52ladies, I would like to ask how you feel
30:54about the current epidemic
30:56of female self-mutilation
30:58through plastic surgery.
31:00I'm a transgender person.
31:02I've had some work done. But it's all drag
31:04anyway, isn't it?
31:06Amen, sister.
31:08Why don't you tell us a little more
31:10what you mean when you say it's a drag?
31:12No, not a drag. Drag.
31:14Men and women, we're all drag queens.
31:16I mean, come on. No one's natural.
31:18I don't judge anybody's drag.
31:20True feminism should be
31:22complete control of your own body,
31:24whether it's abortion or Botox.
31:26I am sorry, but that is
31:28a complete insult
31:30to the feminist movement.
31:32I'm sorry, but do you run
31:34the feminist movement?
31:36Well, my dear, my books
31:38are all about how the beauty oligarchy
31:40destroys women's self-esteem.
31:42I do not color my hair.
31:44I do not wear makeup. And I will never,
31:46ever mutilate myself
31:48with cosmetic surgery.
31:50Oh, I'm sorry, dude. Just because you wrote
31:52a book automatically makes you the boss
31:54of all of us? Dude, but maybe because you
31:56don't understand.
31:58I have to stay.
32:00Oh, mercy. Okay, cut!
32:02Cut! Cut! Cut!
32:04Excuse me.
32:06Suzanne,
32:08I knew I'd find you here.
32:10Yeah, every afternoon.
32:12So, don't tell anybody I told you,
32:14but we had your initial
32:16tenure hearing, and Deborah
32:18wants you out.
32:20What? This can't be happening.
32:22Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious as a vampire,
32:24but you are O-U-T.
32:26She's my mentor. This can't be
32:28happening. She's really pissed
32:30that you got a lipo and did
32:32a lecture on it. What about my, you know,
32:34the personalist political? That's how I teach.
32:36That's how she teaches? She says you're not a real feminist.
32:38Oh, what?
32:40Yeah, we vote on Friday.
32:42She is gunning for you.
32:44You know what she says about the surgical mutilation
32:46of women?
32:48I got a breast infection.
32:50What? Because they were too big.
32:52Me too. I stuff
32:54my bra for work.
32:56No one knows. I wouldn't have known.
32:58You stuff your bra for work?
33:00Okay, stop looking at him.
33:02Yes, ma'am. And keep it to yourself.
33:04Say nothing.
33:06Thank you. Sorry, girl.
33:08You go, ma'am.
33:10I'm gonna go.
33:12Hello?
33:14Hi, I'm calling for Peter Durden. Did you get the flowers?
33:16Well, yes,
33:18but I have no idea why. They're from
33:20Peter. He's in town for
33:22the Oscars, and he would like to
33:24set up a drinks with you
33:26at his private screening room to
33:28discuss a book deal through his publishing arm.
33:30I'm sorry. Do I know you?
33:32I'm sorry.
33:34Do I know you?
33:36Not me.
33:38Peter Durden, the editor
33:40of Cheswick Fair Magazine. He also
33:42does books. He rents a private
33:44screening room to watch the nominated
33:46films. You do Tuesday at four.
33:48I'm sorry. How does he even
33:50know me? From the internet.
33:52Obviously. Congrats on that,
33:54by the way. Hence the flowers.
33:56Tuesday at four.
33:58We'll see you.
34:00I'm so glad
34:02you came by. Can you stay for dinner?
34:04Maybe. I guess.
34:06Oh.
34:08What
34:10a day. She's my
34:12mentor, you know? I was counting
34:14on this.
34:16Well, you've got
34:18alimony, I'm guessing.
34:20No.
34:22We had a pre-nup,
34:24and I didn't fight it, because
34:26I don't really want to get paid by somebody
34:28to not have sex with them, you know?
34:30That's ethical. I admire
34:32that, but clearly you need
34:34more wine. Clearly.
34:36I don't know. Maybe this
34:38Peter Durden thing will turn out to be
34:40something.
34:42You're going.
34:44Yeah.
34:46I'm not upset, are you?
34:48A date anyone would like. It's not a
34:50date, okay? His assistant said it's
34:52drinks. In his
34:54private screening room. Because he's
34:56bored of his luxury hotel suite.
34:58It sounds like a date.
35:00Lunch is a meeting. Drinks
35:02in a screening room is a date.
35:04Please tell me
35:06that you are trying to be funny.
35:08I'm dead serious.
35:10But then again,
35:12I'm just the rebound
35:14from the rebound.
35:16There's a whole world out there.
35:18I just...
35:20I thought you were the nice guy.
35:28Is it not Monday?
35:30No, it is.
35:32Good to see you, buddy.
35:34You remember Suzanne. Hi.
35:36Yeah, sure.
35:38I guess she's staying for dinner?
35:40Uh, no.
35:42No, I can't. Thanks.
35:44I have to go.
35:46We can talk later, right?
35:48Yeah, I'll give you a call.
35:50Bye, Ian.
35:52That looks gay.
35:54What happened?
35:56She has
35:58a date with a billionaire who has a screening room.
36:00That sucks.
36:02Yeah, that it does.
36:04I can't
36:06believe DeBoer wants to give you the axe
36:08just because you had lipo
36:10when it's so obvious that she's had
36:12Botox in her hair color.
36:14Really? How do you know that?
36:16The same way I know you had Botox.
36:18Come on, Blake.
36:20How do you even...
36:22I am, like, CSI of beauty.
36:24Is there a night where DeBoer doesn't
36:26book any events at school?
36:28Yeah, tonight. That's for me.
36:30Oh, I bet.
36:32Well, we're going on a beauty stakeout
36:34because she's a goddamn hypocritical skank
36:36I have no idea what you're talking about.
36:38Just trust me.
36:40We're gonna blackmail her bony ass.
36:52Get her. Film it.
37:06What is it?
37:08Botox.
37:10God.
37:12Agent Great Flame, my ass.
37:14She's such a hypocrite.
37:16You know,
37:18I can't wait to see the look on her Botox face.
37:20We're gonna nail her.
37:22We already did.
37:24You're a genius.
37:26The March issue closes today.
37:28You need to understand, Peter's time is very valuable.
37:30Oh,
37:32don't call him Peter.
37:34What do I call him?
37:36Nothing.
37:38If he asks you to say something to him, say it.
37:40Otherwise, no name.
37:42Okay, no name.
37:44And don't look at the house.
37:46It belongs to someone ridiculously famous.
37:48Do not look at the house.
37:50You can see, but don't look.
37:52And if he offers you something to eat,
37:54eat it.
37:56Even if you're allergic or whatever,
37:58it will get you medical attention.
38:00He's very proud of his food.
38:02I'm Peter.
38:04You can call me
38:06Peter.
38:08You like Dom?
38:10Uh, you know, actually, I never had it.
38:12This is the good Dom.
38:14There's bad Dom.
38:16Thank you.
38:22Oh, my God.
38:24Told you so.
38:26Yeah.
38:28So,
38:30I want you
38:32to write a book for me.
38:34Oh.
38:36Angelique, cheese.
38:38You'll do good media.
38:40I'm into thin slicing.
38:42I don't know what that is, actually.
38:44It's snap judgments
38:46based on my instincts.
38:48I didn't even need to see your whole viral video.
38:50I get you.
38:52He gets you.
38:54He gets you without listening to you.
38:56That's why he's so genius.
38:58He hears
39:00without listening.
39:06Anyway,
39:08the book is called
39:10F the F Word.
39:12It's a screed against feminists
39:14with you naked on the cover.
39:16Not nips and cubes
39:18naked, obviously.
39:20Nobody wants to see you naked.
39:22Feminists suck.
39:24Totally agree.
39:26I don't totally agree
39:28because I would actually call myself a feminist
39:30and that's kind of important to me.
39:32Really, for me,
39:34it's about the cover
39:36and the media message.
39:38Don't say yes or no.
39:40First of all, we're talking significant six figures.
39:42Second of all,
39:44just think about it.
39:46BTW,
39:48I want you to be my plus one at the Oscars
39:50and the magazine's party after.
39:52We'll give you clothes.
39:54You know, hair and makeup team.
39:56Are you talking about the Oscar Oscars?
39:58Because that's crazy.
40:00I'm not that kind of person.
40:02Great. She'll do it. Perfect.
40:08I've got a scoot.
40:10I've got another drinks.
40:14This
40:16will be great.
40:18This is pathetic.
40:20You guys aren't cops.
40:22You can't blackmail me
40:24with DNA evidence of Botox
40:26and my doctor isn't going to violate
40:28doctor-patient confidentiality.
40:30So this is just really stupid.
40:32And the very fact you even tried
40:34it tells me that my instincts about you
40:36were right on, Suzanne.
40:38You were so out.
40:40But unfortunately,
40:42there's no hairdresser-client confidentiality.
40:44Oh, right.
40:46Your hairdresser, Raphael.
40:48She knows him.
40:50And you go on TV bragging
40:52how you don't dye your hair
40:54when Raphael says you do tops and tails.
40:56But you're a lousy tipper,
40:58which is a big mistake
41:00for somebody who expects confidentiality
41:02from her pube-dyer.
41:04We're going to make a video with Raphael
41:06and we're going to link it
41:08to Suzy's fat lip video
41:10and everybody's going to see
41:12just what a hypocrite you are.
41:14Think about it.
41:16You should think about it.
41:18You nailed it!
41:20You were amazing!
41:22Well, I can't imagine her fighting you now.
41:24Honestly, I can't even believe
41:26you would stay here.
41:28I mean, that woman represents everything
41:30that's wrong with the movement.
41:32I know. I agree.
41:34Oh, hang on.
41:36It's Cameron. He keeps calling me
41:38and I don't want to talk to him.
41:40He was just awful about that whole Peter Durden thing.
41:42I think you should answer the phone.
41:44You know, I know
41:46it's none of my business, but I feel like
41:48I've got to tell you something.
41:50Peter Durden is a dick.
41:52I slept with him
41:54as a girl years ago.
41:56Wow!
41:58Then you tell me about this nice guy Cameron
42:00who's all freaked out about this rich guy
42:02and, I mean, what the hell?
42:04Why is he freaked out about it anyway?
42:06Why am I freaking about it?
42:08Maybe I'm just jealous.
42:10He's a very unusual sort of man
42:12to even want to consider being with me.
42:16I just, you know,
42:18I would take a nice, normal,
42:20slightly insecure guy
42:22any day.
42:24Call incoming.
42:26You answered.
42:28Hi.
42:30Hi. Have you ever seen the film
42:32Harvey with Jimmy Stewart?
42:36It's where Jimmy Stewart
42:38honestly believes he's
42:40got a friend
42:42who's a giant invisible talking rabbit.
42:44Yeah, I know the movie.
42:46It's just my ex, Ruth,
42:48she left me.
42:50Trevor's a
42:52great guy and all, but they knew each other
42:54before, and
42:56I guess I'm a little
42:58wrapped tight when it comes to women
43:00I care about and billionaires.
43:02I'm sorry.
43:04I don't know what that has to do with a giant talking rabbit,
43:06so I...
43:08Because I was having a conversation
43:10with someone who wasn't there, Ruth.
43:12Because she left me for
43:14a rich guy.
43:16I get it.
43:18I'm sorry.
43:20I probably came off as
43:22crazy
43:24and jealous.
43:26I'm sorry.
43:28I was wondering if maybe you want
43:30to come over Sunday and we could
43:32watch the Oscars together.
43:34I'm actually
43:36going to the Oscars
43:40with that Peter guy.
43:44Wow.
43:46He's taking you to the Oscars?
43:48He gave me that book deal.
43:50That's great.
43:52I'm happy for you.
43:54Maybe we could...
43:56Sure, just give me a call.
43:58I'll call you.
44:00I should call you.
44:02I'll call you.
44:04I should let you go.
44:06Alright.
44:08Um...
44:10Alright. Good luck with all of that.
44:12All of it.
44:18I'll hold you
44:20when you cry
44:22Lay beside you
44:24in the night
44:26I'm your best friend
44:28for life
44:30This is from
44:32Marsha Qualley.
44:34Hi, doll.
44:36You never returned my call.
44:38I overreacted. I just wanted to say
44:40I'm sorry. It's just that sometimes
44:42it's hard to take the bear
44:44out of the mama bear.
44:46I was wrong. I'm sorry.
44:48Look, I hate to harsh your whole princess trip here,
44:50but I just read through the book contract from Peter Durton.
44:52And as
44:54your literary agent, I have to tell you,
44:56which I hate to tell you
44:58because it is so much money,
45:00and I love money, but
45:02it is the worst deal ever.
45:04What? Why? What's wrong with it?
45:06Why? What's wrong with it?
45:08It's indentured servitude with better outfits.
45:10I mean, seriously, you have no creative rights.
45:12He basically owns you.
45:14He tells you exactly what to write.
45:16I mean, granted, for a lot of money,
45:18and seriously, better outfits.
45:20They literally have the right to dress you.
45:22What?
45:24It's like your author Barbie.
45:26I hate them.
45:28I doubt it.
45:30Look, you feel free to stay here
45:32as long as you want
45:34and to write a book that is actually good,
45:36which I believe that I can sell.
45:38All right?
45:40You know, granted, there's no guarantees,
45:42but I can't keep living here for free.
45:44You keep doing my grocery shopping,
45:46and you can stay here forever.
45:48And you have to play
45:50Candyland with Sophie
45:52any time she asks.
45:54Man, I'm good at it.
45:56Okay, well, seriously, there's no strategy.
45:58You just pick, and what you get is what you get.
46:00I mean...
46:02No, when I play it, there's strategy.
46:04Oh, really? You know how to, like...
46:06I'm not telling you.
46:08Okay, fine.
46:10Welcome, everybody, to the Oscars red carpet,
46:12or as I know it, the prom of the world,
46:14where I get to feel like a luck-toothed wallflower
46:16without a date.
46:18You look fabulous.
46:20Those hair and makeup people are miracle workers.
46:22Right?
46:24BTW, Peter wanted me to show you this.
46:26You're gonna love it.
46:28You are a new star author.
46:30Congratulations.
46:32Okay, but this is not me.
46:34But it will be.
46:36You should be proud.
46:38Peter normally only spends
46:40$10,000 on retouching,
46:42but he wanted to fix
46:44everything that was wrong with you,
46:46so he put $15,000 towards it.
46:48You look great.
46:50I should be proud.
46:52Mm-hmm.
46:54That it cost $15,000
46:56to make me presentable
46:58as an author.
47:00It's a compliment.
47:02Obviously.
47:04Obviously.
47:06â™Ș
47:08â™Ș
47:10â™Ș
47:12â™Ș
47:14â™Ș
47:16â™Ș
47:18â™Ș
47:20â™Ș
47:22â™Ș
47:24â™Ș
47:26â™Ș
47:28Hi.
47:30Uh, hello.
47:32Did you just make a right at the next light?
47:34What are you doing?
47:36I-I just need a latte.
47:38We don't have time.
47:40Hi.
47:42New star author.
47:44I say we do.
47:46I am out of here.
47:48Wait.
47:50Where are you going?
47:52Where are you going?
47:54You have to bring back
47:56the dress and those shoes.
47:58Have fun at the Oscars.
48:00You should bring them back
48:02â™Ș
48:04â™Ș
48:06â™Ș
48:08â™Ș
48:10â™Ș
48:12â™Ș
48:14â™Ș
48:16Hey.
48:20Wow.
48:22You look fancy.
48:24Thanks.
48:26Um, can I show you one thing?
48:28Yeah.
48:30Michael bought this same exact coffee maker
48:32for our house,
48:34and I wanted to be a good wife,
48:36so I learned how to use it.
48:40Michael being Michael,
48:42he prefers having coffee out.
48:44So, I've noticed lately
48:46that, um,
48:48you're kind of shorthanded around here,
48:50so I was wondering if you would consider
48:52hiring me.
48:54This is a good latte. What do you think?
48:56Yeah. Sure.
48:58Yes?
49:00Yeah, sure.
49:02Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
49:04I will take the job because, um,
49:06I need a day job because
49:08I'm going to try to write a book.
49:10That's awesome.
49:12I'm so proud of you.
49:14Thanks, boss.
49:16Um, so, uh, we'll talk about this tomorrow.
49:18I-I-I have to go.
49:20It's a very long story.
49:22Thank you. Thank you so much.
49:24You're the greatest.
49:26See ya.
49:28I'm glad we're finally getting the extra help,
49:30but you don't pay me enough to dress like that.
49:32We've got tons of impossibly good-looking people
49:34walking the judgiest red carpet in the world.
49:36The excitement is palpable here.
49:38We've got limo, gridlock.
49:50If your cellulite isn't packed
49:52into at least three layers of spanx,
49:54people will see all the junk in your trunk.
50:14The Oscars are gay.
50:16I'm going to Mom's.
50:24He likes you.
50:26What?
50:28He's trying to be a good wingman.
50:30He loves the Oscars.
50:32Is he homophobic?
50:34Oh, no.
50:36He's best friends gay.
50:40Sometimes I think
50:42the only reason to have kids
50:44is to feel stupid all the time.
50:46You look gorgeous.
50:50Takes a village, apparently.
50:54Oh.
51:08Oh.
51:10That's so nice.
51:12I'm a nice guy.
51:14Yeah, I figured that out.
51:16I don't know what to do with a nice guy.
51:20Would you like some pizza?
51:22You took the meat lovers,
51:24but I have some cheese.
51:26You know, I would actually kill for pizza.
51:28How are you?
51:30How excited are you?
51:40Here you go.
51:42Thank you.
51:44Thanks.
51:52I love you.
52:04Earlier this semester,
52:06before my bad lip job went viral,
52:09I asked you guys,
52:11who do you think is a feminist icon?
52:14And, um...
52:16I've been thinking about it.
52:19And I think that here
52:21in Laura's department,
52:23no one is.
52:25I can't be honest with my students about anything,
52:28not even my own fat.
52:30So, um...
52:32I have actually resigned my position.
52:34What?
52:36Yeah.
52:38What?
52:40Yeah, I know.
52:42I'm going to write a book,
52:44which I'm really excited about,
52:46but I'm also really terrified.
52:48But the biggest thing is
52:50that I'm just really going to miss all of you.
52:53And so I decided to make presents for you guys.
52:56I hope you like them.
52:58This shirt fits everybody.
53:00It fits anybody that actually really cares about equality,
53:04regardless of gender,
53:06because to me,
53:08that's what a feminist looks like.
53:10And I just, I just really want to thank you
53:13for letting me be your teacher.
53:15I've loved it.
53:18Who wants a shirt? Who wants a shirt?
53:20Yeah!
53:22What?
53:24Don't look at me like that.
53:26And I'm going to miss you so much.
53:28Oh, honey, oh, I know.
53:30We're real friends.
53:32I'm going to see you all the time.
53:34Oh, don't.
53:36Oh, honey, it's going to be fine.
53:38It's not.
53:40What?
53:43Okay.
53:48Cheese!
53:50I don't want to be someone else
53:52I only want to be myself
53:55I feel alive, I feel alive
53:58And I am beautiful
54:01I don't want to be someone else
54:12I am beautiful
54:14I am beautiful
54:16I am beautiful
54:18I am beautiful
54:20I am beautiful
54:22I am beautiful
54:24I am beautiful
54:26I am beautiful
54:28I am beautiful
54:30I am beautiful
54:32I am beautiful
54:34I am beautiful
54:36I am beautiful
54:38I am beautiful