#TakeALetterMrJones #BritishSitcom #ClassicBritishTV #BritishComedy #VintageSitcom #TVComedy #SitcomClassic #RetroTV #BritishHumor #ClassicSitcom #ComedySeries #BritishTelevision #UKComedy #TVClassic #VintageComedy #RetroSitcom #BritishTVShows #ClassicComedy #BritishActors #TVNostalgia #SitcomHumor #RetroComedy #ClassicTVSeries #BritishEntertainment #ComedyGold #OldSitcoms #ClassicBritishComedy #TVHistory #SitcomScenes #BritishTVComedy #ComedyTVShow #VintageTVShow #RetroBritishTV #ClassicTelevision #SitcomLovers #ComedyEpisodes #BritishTVSeries #ComedyClassic #TVComedyShow #ClassicBritishSeries #SitcomFans #VintageTVSeries #TVHumor #RetroComedyShow #BritishSitcoms #TVRetro #BritishTVGold #ClassicTVComedy #SitcomMoments #UKTelevision #TVSitcoms #ComedyClassics #ClassicUKTV #BritishTelevisionShows #RetroTVShow #SitcomEpisodes #TVClassics #RetroTVSeries #ClassicTVMoments #SitcomActors #BritishComedyShow #VintageBritishTV #ComedyHistory #RetroTVComedy #TVShowClassics #SitcomClassicEpisodes #BritishComedySeries #ClassicSitcoms #RetroTelevision #BritishTVComedyShows #SitcomVintage #TVComedyClassic #UKTVShows #ComedyLegends #ClassicTVComedyShow #RetroTVMoments #BritishRetroTV #SitcomTelevision #TVComedySeries #ComedySitcom #ClassicTVGold #BritishTVHistory #TVShowComedy #VintageBritishComedy #ClassicComedySeries #BritishSitcomMoments #TVComedyHistory #SitcomGold #RetroUKTV #BritishTVEpisodes #TVShowHistory #BritishSitcomScenes #VintageTVComedy #ClassicTelevisionShows #RetroSitcomScenes #BritishClassicTV #ClassicUKSitcom #BritishTVComedySeries #RetroTVClassics
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Take a letter, Mr Jones, ignore the telephone You're a model, secretary, you don't leave
00:28me in a mess I get my satisfaction sharing your success
00:34Take a letter, Mr Jones, feel a letter, Mr Jones
00:38You have my appreciation, you always save my life
00:42I'm a perfect combination, a computer and a wife
00:45You're a wonder, you're a marvel You're a treasure, Mr Jones
00:53End of letter, Mr Jones Right, it's nearly half past twelve, Mr Kimura
01:00should be here at any moment, is everything ready?
01:02Yes, I've done two new clean copies of the contract, I think the office is alright, come
01:06on girls, shoo, shoo, shoo, oi, poly-pledge Do you know this contract runs to sixty pages?
01:14Yes, well when you're signing a distribution deal with one of the biggest Japanese consortia
01:18they do insist on everything being written down
01:21They're very distrustful of British goods, look at the trouble they've had with our cars
01:24Oh, well they have improved, the last batch we sent over there did twelve thousand miles
01:28without any trouble at all Well, in June, the first eleven were on the
01:32boat Graham, it's difficult enough without your
01:36comments Now, have you prepared some details for me
01:38about Mr Kimura?
01:39Yes I only met him very briefly in Tokyo and he will
01:42be impressed if I remember about his background
01:43There we are, from my special file, Mr Kimura, president of Kimura Corporations, age forty-five
01:49Married, with four children, age two, four, six and eight
01:53Obviously a man of regular habits Interests, work and flower arranging
01:59Oh yes, I remember, he talked to me a lot about Ikebana
02:02Ike what?
02:03Ikebana, that's the Japanese word for flower arranging
02:07Oh my goodness, I'd better do something about those or else he'll think we're a bunch of
02:11peasants Here, hold these a moment while I rearrange
02:15them There, now then
02:25There we are That's better
02:29Is it?
02:30Yes, to a Japanese person, that means peace and serenity
02:35A bunch like that means mess and disorder It does to me too, it's dripping all down
02:39me trousers Graham, please, hold your arm up, I don't
02:42want to give you that I feel like the Statue of Liberty
02:45It's running all down me arm Brenda, take these away will you, Mrs Warner doesn't want
02:51them But I spent hours arranging those nut bars
02:55Obviously you didn't do Ikebuku at your comprehension
02:57A Japanese person only ever puts one or two flowers in a vase, Brenda
03:02Oh really?
03:03Why is that?
03:04Because they're so busy working they haven't got time to go out and pick any more
03:07You can throw those away, Brenda Oh no, they're too nice
03:11I know, can I stick them in a bucket of water and take them home for me mum?
03:15She won't mind how they're arranged No, she isn't Japanese
03:18Oh Graham, will you check the drinks, darling, please?
03:23I'll just tidy up the mess in here Are you going in there to serve the drinks?
03:27Yes It isn't right the way they expect our secretaries
03:30to do that It wouldn't happen in Japan
03:32They'd employ a geisha girl to do that Oh, I've seen them on the television
03:36They wrap hot towels round the men's faces, then they hand round the drinks and the food
03:40And then they sing songs and then they entertain them
03:42Then they let them have a bit of nuki Geisha girls don't do that in Japan
03:48Everything has to be done separately The secretary works in the office, the geisha
03:52girl serves the drinks and the pleasure girls supply the other
03:55At H-Star we've got you three to do the lot Don't start that, you're a man, you don't
04:02realise what it's like being a girl secretary in this place
04:04Yes, she's right, you know, sometimes I wonder whether they hired me for my brain or my body
04:09I've seen your spelling, I wouldn't press it
04:11It's no laughing matter, working for Mrs Warner you're not subject to all the sexual harassment
04:17Aren't I? She did take a liberty with me the other day
04:20Oh, really? Well, we were working late, you see, I was
04:25in here and she came in and gave me a very funny look
04:28Yes? Well, go on, what happened? Well, I was sitting at my typewriter and she
04:34crept up behind me and put her hands under my arms and she pinched my digestive biscuit
04:41Probably the only thing you've got which she fancies
04:46No, I shouldn't bank on that, she goes, absolutely berserk when I get out my chocolate mint
04:52Have we got everything? Yes, olives, nuts and I've got the saki
04:57What is saki? Japanese wine made from rice
05:01You can't make wine from rice No, they're very clever, these Japanese
05:06Instead of shredding the grapes, they shred the rice
05:08Really? Well, it must be very ticklish No, they keep the socks on
05:11Oh, really? Thank you very much
05:18Daisy? Yes, Mr Chair
05:20Oh, I wish you wouldn't do that Go down to the lift, meet Mr Kimura
05:24and bring him up to Mrs Warner's office Yes, Mr Chair
05:27Mrs Warner, Mr Kimura's on his way up Thank you, Graham
05:36Oh, he'll like that Brenda, give me one of those new brochures
05:40that's not on the table Oh, Graham, there is one more thing
05:44The Japanese are very conscious of rank and position
05:46So when I introduce Mr Kimura to you, he may give you a little bow
05:50If he does, you've got to bow back lower to him to show that he's in a superior position
05:53Can't get right down and lick his shoes Graham, I'm not joking
05:57You do understand, you have to give him a pronounced bow, like this
06:00Do you think he'd fancy a curtsy? Do the girls have to bow if they meet him?
06:07Yes, and as women, they should bow even lower Oh, like this
06:09Well, if you're going to do that, I should do that button up on your blouse
06:13Yes, Graham, you're quite right No, he might be more interested in that
06:18than your Ricky Boo Boo Thank you, you've made your point
06:22Mr Kimura, Mrs Warner I'm honoured to meet you again, Mrs Warner
06:31It is my honour too, Mr Kimura This is my personal assistant and Senior Secretary
06:37Graham Jones Oh, a most important gentleman
06:40Delighted to meet you Likewise
06:45Please, Mr Kimura, won't you sit down? Graham, would you bring in the hospitality
06:57trolley, please? Certainly, Mrs Warner
06:58Saki! Yes, I thought you might like to share a cup
07:08with me It's a great honour that you have it specially
07:11for me You're welcome
07:16We do pride ourselves that we think of everything here, Mr Kimura
07:20I forgot the corkscrew Unfortunately, in the past, we have had a lot
07:30of trouble with British goods They did not always function the way we hoped
07:35they to be That is in the past, Mr Kimura
07:38I can assure you that at 8 Star, we have regular quality control to ensure complete
07:42customer satisfaction Oh, Graham, Mr Kimura needs a light
07:46Oh, sorry That is an arrogant lighter
07:51Yes, that is one of our products One of our products?
08:00I can't think what's wrong with it, it must be flooded
08:05Excuse me, I'll make a note of it for the quality control
08:11I've just put a refill in here Please use this, made in Japan
08:19This is a Japanese pen No, please show me
08:23So, Japanese pen, but British refill Graham must have put in an old refill
08:34We all make mistakes Graham, would you open the bottle of sake,
08:38please, and stand it for a while in a bowl of warm water
08:41That is right, isn't it, Mr Kimura? I think this cork's rotten
08:49Japanese cork is never rotten No, of course not, it must be the corkscrew
08:53Graham, you could at least have got a decent corkscrew
08:56This is decent, Sheffield steel, look at that, made in Sheffield
08:59Japanese logic says, in case like this, there are only three possibilities
09:04The cork is bad, the corkscrew is defective, or the operator is unskilled
09:10The corkscrew is defective I'll get another bottle
09:14Excuse me I feel like one of those nodding ducks
09:23Regarding the contracts, there are references to the quality control of the goods
09:28We need some clarification, just a slight alteration
09:33I'll show you in my copy of the documents Well, there is a hole all the way through
09:39the middle What am I supposed to do,
09:40stick a straw in it and get him to suck it up? No, no, no, I'll use this other one,
09:46that'll be all right Put the kettle on, Brenda
09:48Ah, coffee? No, for the sake
09:50I think that is all the alteration we would require before signing the contract
09:55But there is something on nearly every page, Mr Kimura
09:58There must be at least a hundred amendments here
10:00No, no, in fact, 127
10:06I am sorry, please understand, our lawyers are very precise
10:11Please do not worry, I will just have a word with my secretary about retyping the contract
10:16Use the other bottle, the cork came out as easy as anything
10:19Well, I feel like telling you to put it straight back in again
10:21Why, is he not going to sign? He wants a few minor alterations made
10:25It is a big contract, it's understandable, I'll soon have these typed
10:29Yes, I don't think you quite realise how much there is to do
10:32There's one on every page, all 60 of them
10:35All because I couldn't get a lousy cork out of a bottle
10:40No, no, he had an amended copy of the contract in his briefcase
10:44Well, you'd better get started straight away
10:46What do you suggest I do, work through the lunch hour or stay late tonight?
10:49Both Thank you, Brenda
10:52Thank goodness, Kimura agreed to come and have dinner with me tonight
10:55He said that he would sign the contract as soon as it was ready, thank you
10:59Oh, that reminds me, would you ring Maria and tell her to make sure that she's asked
11:03that Italian boyfriend of hers, Roberto, to come and serve the dinner
11:06Oh, and tell her to make sure that Lucy is in bed by the time I get home
11:10Cara, I'll make the supper, you take Felix into the garden, benissimo
11:15Ah, sempre il telefono
11:19Grazie, Lucy, don't touch the food, eh?
11:23Pronto, pronto, who is it, who is it?
11:26Hello, Maria, this is Graham Jones from the office
11:29The office? What office?
11:32Mrs Warner's office
11:33Ah, si, Mrs Warner's office, and you are Graham Jones
11:37That's what I said
11:39Mrs Warner was wondering, have you made arrangements for Roberto to come around this evening?
11:43Si, Roberto will come at eight o'clock to service Mrs Warner
11:52I don't think that's quite what she had in mind, but still
11:56So long as he's there to serve the meal
11:58Si, he will be there
11:59Oh, good, and would you make sure that Lucy goes to bed early?
12:02Lucy's a good girl, she promised to go to bed early
12:06And I have a very good dinner tonight
12:09You tell Mrs Warner, tonight we have zuppa, scallopini milanesi, and profiterole
12:15Yes, I'm a very good cook
12:17Yes, very nice
12:18Am I not a good cook, Lucy?
12:21Oh, she's a lovely girl
12:23Well, thank you, Maria, bye-bye
12:25Bye-bye, signor
12:26Kampai
12:28Excuse me, Mrs Warner
12:32Just to confirm that everything's all right for tonight
12:35Thank you, Graham
12:35I must go now
12:36Graham, would you see our honoured guest to the door, please?
12:40I will see you at eight o'clock tonight, Mr Kimura
12:43I will be honoured
12:47Oh, I apologise for causing you to have to retype the contract
12:51Please, Graham is delighted to be of help
12:54Delighted
12:56Goodbye, Mrs Warner
12:58Goodbye, Mr Kimura
13:02Goodbye, Mr Jones
13:03Goodbye, Mr Kimura
13:07Goodbye, Mr Jones
13:20Take a letter, Mr Jones
13:27Take a letter, Mr Jones
13:34That was most excellent soup
13:36Thank you, Mr. Kimura. I have an Italian maid, Maria, and she is a very good cook.
13:44Ah, Roberto, would you clear away the soup, please?
13:46Si, signora.
13:47Would you care for some white wine, Mr. Kimura?
13:50Thank you. That would be very nice.
13:52Roberto, would you serve the sancerre, please?
13:56Ah, that'll be my secretary.
13:57He said that he would bring around a final draft of the contract as soon as it was ready.
14:04Thank you, Roberto.
14:06Excuse me.
14:10Oh, thank goodness. I thought you were never coming. We're in the middle of dinner.
14:14Love the dress.
14:17If you can't lick them, join them.
14:18Is that the contract?
14:19Yes, two copies. Now, I've really had to rush to get that.
14:22Right. I'll get Kimura to sign them as soon as we finish dinner.
14:25Oh, dinner. I've had no lunch, no tea. I think I'll go home.
14:28Oh, no, no. You must stay and have something to eat and take your time.
14:32Thank you very much. Very kind.
14:34Yes, I shall need you to witness the signature later.
14:39Hello, Lucy. You go back up to bed.
14:43But I'm hungry.
14:44You're not the only one.
14:45Don't encourage her.
14:47Now, listen, darling. Mummy's entertaining a very special guest.
14:50You've had your supper, so go straight back up to bed. There's a good girl.
14:52I don't want to.
14:54Lucy, you promised.
14:56All right.
14:59Right. I must get back to dinner.
15:00Oh, dinner's in here, is it?
15:01Yes, you can get into the kitchen that way.
15:04Kitchen?
15:06Evening, Maria.
15:06Ah, Señor Grape.
15:07What is there to eat?
15:08Please, I am busy. You don't bother me. Now, wait till later, eh?
15:11Oh, I see.
15:13Señor Grape, I am still hungry.
15:16Lucy, what are you doing here? You promised your mummy you wouldn't come down.
15:19You've broken your promise.
15:21No, I haven't. I didn't go up.
15:25I was behind the curtain.
15:26It's time you were in bed.
15:28Can't I have a biscuit, please?
15:30I gave her fishy fingers and rice pudding for her food.
15:34Now she wants biscotti.
15:35No, no. You can't have a biscuit without your mummy's permission.
15:38Oh, well. I'll go in the dining room.
15:40No, no, you can't go in the dining room. Your mummy's very busy.
15:44All right, you can have just one. Where are they?
15:46The packets are up there.
15:49I'll get them.
15:50Oh, all right.
15:53Remember, just one.
15:55Oh, Maria, some coffee's got to be made.
15:57Coffee, coffee, coffee.
15:58Excuse me, excuse me.
16:03Señor Benny, it's your car.
16:05Good night, Mr. Grape.
16:06Good night, Lucy.
16:07Señor Grape.
16:09This is my Rubella.
16:13Hello. Graham Jones, Mrs. Warner's secretary.
16:15Ah, you do.
16:16Pleased to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.
16:19So, you're Maria's fiancé.
16:21Yes, I am.
16:21I've heard a lot about you.
16:23So, you're Maria's fiancé.
16:25Fiancé?
16:27No, no, no, no, no. I am not Maria's fiancé.
16:31You're making a joke. It's not...
16:33I am not a joke. No. I don't promise you anything.
16:36But let her say it.
16:38No, no, I promise.
16:39No, no, no, it's not possible.
16:40What's wrong?
16:42Louise, look at this. Mrs. Warner's entertaining.
16:46I tell her I am not her fiancé.
16:48I gathered that by the look on her face.
16:51So, you're just good friends.
16:53What do you mean, just good friends?
16:54I mean, you and him and him and you are sort of...
16:59My word, that smells good.
17:00Eh? Oh, scaloppini milanese. You taste, eh?
17:06Oh, it's very nice. Very nice indeed.
17:09Grazie.
17:09Could do with a pinch more salt.
17:10Si, si, si. Maria, she never put in enough salt.
17:14Siciliano, they always eat too much salt. Peasant.
17:17She's from Milano. They have no taste.
17:20You are right. There's not enough salt. No taste.
17:25Oh, OK, OK. You want more salt? OK, I'm putting them on.
17:28No, no, no, no. I think you've overdone that a little bit.
17:31No, he can never have too much.
17:34Now, now, now, you taste, eh?
17:36No, thank you. No, no, no.
17:37You want more salt, you taste.
17:40Now, he's only a fit for a pig.
17:42A pig!
17:44A pig!
17:46A pig!
17:48Maria! Maria!
17:50Maria!
17:52Milanese cooking is only fit for animale.
17:56Animale! Animale!
17:58I will not stand your insults any more.
18:00I give to animale.
18:02Felix! Felix!
18:04You see, even the dog does not want to eat it.
18:08Stupid dog.
18:10That's very nice indeed.
18:12Now, what are you going to give to Mrs. Warner
18:14when I guess there's nothing left in the pan?
18:16There's nothing left in the pan,
18:18then there's nothing left for me to do.
18:20So, I go. Arrivederci.
18:24And I am not happy.
18:26I am not happy.
18:28I am not happy.
18:30I am not happy.
18:33I am not happy.
18:37You're very well organized in this house,
18:39Mrs. Warner.
18:41A woman in my position has to have people she can rely on.
18:43He has gone.
18:45Thank goodness.
18:47It is all your fault.
18:49Just calm down.
18:51Roberto does not love me any more.
18:53I will kill myself.
18:55Would you mind cooking the dinner first, please?
18:57When you meet again, you'll make it all up.
18:59You're right. I must go and find him
19:01I'm so sorry about the delay, Mr. Kimura.
19:03My cook is a great perfectionist.
19:05I'd better go and see what's happened.
19:07Perhaps they can't hear the bell.
19:09How can I think about food
19:11when my Roberto has gone forever?
19:13Look, he will be at the bus stop.
19:15You're fine, but if he's waiting for a bus,
19:17you've got all the time in the world.
19:19Let's see what I must find, please.
19:21What are you doing?
19:23What is going on?
19:25I must go before it's too late.
19:27It's all your fault.
19:30You mean they've both gone?
19:32Yes, all I did was mention that the food could do with a bit more salt.
19:34Where are the escalopes?
19:36What's happened to the dinner?
19:38She's dished it out.
19:40Oh, thank goodness for that.
19:42I can't help thinking you ought to find a better dish.
19:44She rather lost her temper.
19:46Graham, I don't believe it.
19:48Five minutes ago, everything was perfectly normal.
19:50Then you arrived, now I have no maid,
19:52no waiter, and now no food.
19:54What else have you done?
19:56I can safely say that's the lot.
19:58Lucy, what...
20:00Who gave you that packet of biscuits?
20:02Mr. Graham.
20:04Graham, are you totally mad,
20:06giving the child a whole packet of chocolate biscuits?
20:08You didn't give her a packet.
20:10I said she could have one biscuit.
20:12Oh, I thought you meant one packet.
20:14She knew very well what I meant.
20:16You sit down on there.
20:18Wipe your hands.
20:20Now, Graham, you know how to make an omelette?
20:22Yes.
20:24Right, there are some eggs in the fridge,
20:27and some green herbs in it.
20:29Oh, a posh one.
20:31Yes. I've got to go back to Mr. Kingwood.
20:33I can't leave him alone all this time.
20:35I'll be back in a minute to bring you your medicine.
20:37Wipe your hands, please.
20:39Did I say something wrong, Mr. Graham?
20:41No, Lucy, I think we're over the worst now.
20:45I can't find him.
20:47My life of love is ruined.
20:49It's all your fault!
20:51You stupid woman!
20:53No!
20:55What am I going to do?
20:57Look.
20:59You use this.
21:11Here's your medicine, darling.
21:13Drink that down quickly.
21:15Graham, have you finished beating up the eggs?
21:17Sort of.
21:20Graham, I don't believe it!
21:22How can you be so clumsy?
21:24It wasn't my fault. It was Maria.
21:26Maria walked out of here five minutes ago.
21:28I suppose you're going to tell me
21:30that she rushed back in,
21:32knocked the eggs out of your hand,
21:34and rushed back out again.
21:36Oh, forget it.
21:38We can't give those to Mr. Kimura.
21:40No.
21:42Even the Japanese don't like their omelettes
21:44with dog hairs, bits of fluff,
21:46and assorted crumbs.
21:49It's a pity, really.
21:51There's a double yolk here.
21:53I don't know what we're going to do.
21:55There must be some leftovers in the fridge.
21:57Do the best you can with those,
21:59and I'll tell Mr. Kimura
22:01that the cook is preparing a special surprise.
22:03It'll be that all right.
22:05You can tell him the cook doesn't know what it is.
22:07That was delicious.
22:09It was very good of your cook
22:11to make me such an unusual fish dish.
22:13I've never tasted anything like it.
22:15She certainly has some unusual recipes.
22:17Would you care for some sweet or cheese?
22:19May I just have coffee?
22:21And then we could proceed with signing the contract.
22:23Certainly.
22:25If you will make yourself comfortable in the sitting room,
22:27I will bring the coffee into you myself.
22:29Well, Donald Graham, he really liked it,
22:31whatever it was.
22:33Lucy's fish fingers.
22:35What?
22:37But it didn't look like fish fingers.
22:39No, I peeled them.
22:43You said he actually liked it?
22:46And what did you put in the rice?
22:48I've never tasted something so unusual.
22:50Well, I found some cold rice pudding in the fridge,
22:52so I mixed it together with some tomato ketchup.
22:54What?
22:56All these Orientals like sweet and sour.
22:58I gave them a bit of both.
23:00Thank you for your confidence in Eight Star, Mr. Kimura.
23:02I'm sure it will be a most fruitful association.
23:08I look forward to seeing you again in Tokyo.
23:16Goodbye, Mr. Jones.
23:18Safe journey, Mr. Kimura.
23:20Oh, one for luck.
23:24Thank you, William.
23:26Would you see Mr. Kimura back to the hotel, please?
23:28And please congratulate your cook
23:30for that most excellent meal.
23:32It was unusually exquisite living.
23:34Sayonara.
23:42I never thought I'd get that contract signed.
23:44Now, I've been 16 hours on the go without stopping,
23:46so if you'll excuse me, I must go home.
23:48No, no, no, Graham.
23:50Stay and have a drink.
23:52Thank you.
23:54Ah, not too much.
23:56I'm afraid you're going to need it.
23:58Because of you, Maria's gone.
24:00So you're going to have to help me with the washing up.
24:02Oh.
24:04Sayonara.
24:08Oh!
24:14Thank you.
24:24Take a letter, Mr. Jones
24:26Ignore the telephone
24:28He's a model secretary
24:30Never leaves her in a mess
24:32He gets his satisfaction
24:34Sharing her success
24:36Take a letter, Mr. Jones
24:38Feel better, Mr. Jones
24:40Here's our appreciation
24:43Always saves her life
24:45He's a perfect combination
24:47A computer and a wife
24:49You're a wonder
24:51You're a marvel
24:53You're a treasure
24:55Mr. Jones
24:57End of letter, Mr. Jones
24:59How kind.