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Short filmTranscript
00:00Checkmate. And why not?
00:10Checkmate!
00:15Bollocks to this!
00:30The end of the line
01:00I still don't see why we have to dig the grave, carry the coffin, and everything else.
01:27Well, we are sort of responsible for him being in this position in the first place.
01:31Liberal!
01:32You should have heard me and the Undertaker's bike.
01:35I made all these fabulous jokes about the Undertaker coming round to measure my spiffy.
01:43I thought maybe we should have some, like, floral tributes.
01:46But all I could find was this carrot.
01:49So I borrowed Rick's biro.
01:51You rented it, Neil. You rented it. And you still haven't paid.
01:54Yeah, and I wrote on it,
01:55Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and everything.
01:59Still, things could have been worse.
02:01You could have been me and ended up having a really bad time all of the time.
02:06Signed, Neil.
02:07That's very touching, Neil.
02:08When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he's gonna kill you, Neil.
02:13But wasn't he eating carrots?
02:14I didn't know he ate carrots.
02:16He doesn't eat carrots, Neil.
02:18He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls.
02:22Wait a minute. We've missed the grave.
02:39Neil, Neil, move the spade.
02:45Do you dig graves?
02:47Yeah, yeah, they're all right.
02:49Yeah, yeah, they're all right.
02:51I'm so down.
02:53I think they're wonderful.
02:58Hello.
02:59Hello, Vicar.
03:00Well, you'd better be.
03:01Otherwise, you'd look right curly in that dress.
03:06Great.
03:07Anyone tell the stiffy joke?
03:09Yes, Vicar.
03:11Well, forget about that.
03:12Right, come on, let's get on with it, then.
03:14Let's get it over with.
03:15Oh, bloody hell.
03:18Fuck, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
03:22Oh, my God, you're right.
03:24Oh, I'd better get some of this done before I have any of that stuff.
03:33Right, now, um...
03:34Oh, yes.
03:35Ashes to ashes.
03:37Funk to funky.
03:38We know major.
03:39The top is a junkie.
03:41Shut up!
03:44Well, I've just fallen into a grave.
03:47Brilliant.
03:48Let's fill it in.
03:49No, no, we can't bury Rick alive.
03:52That's absolutely correct, Neil.
03:54We'd better kill him first.
03:57Right, stop everything, right?
03:59Let's dug this grave.
04:01Where do you think all this gear from?
04:02Yeah, we dig the graves around here, right?
04:05If any graves get dug on these premises, they get dug...
04:09What's this camera?
04:11Is this going for a laugh?
04:13Please.
04:14Have we killed someone as a prank?
04:16No, we have not.
04:17Now, will you please bugger off?
04:19This is a serious funeral.
04:21Anyone told a stiffy joke yet?
04:23Yes.
04:24Yes.
04:25So go away.
04:27No, come on, tell us what's going on.
04:30Well, it's a long story.
04:33Neil!
04:38Neil, the bathroom's free,
04:40unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.
04:44What are you doing down there, Neil?
04:46Cueing.
04:47How long have you been there?
04:49Thirty years.
04:51You've been listening, haven't you, Neil?
04:53You've been squatting there,
04:54listening to what I've been doing in the park.
04:57Is that how you get your kicks these days?
04:59It is, isn't it, you little pervy?
05:00I wasn't listening.
05:01Anyway, what were you doing?
05:03I wasn't doing anything.
05:04Well, then I can't have heard anything, can I?
05:05And anyway, Neil,
05:06don't think that me, Mike and Vivian
05:07don't know exactly what you get up to in there.
05:10So I wouldn't go around spilling the beans if I was you.
05:12What do you know about the beans?
05:14Everything.
05:19What beans?
05:21Oh, er, nothing.
05:22Ha, ha, ha.
05:23No, no beans.
05:24Ha, ha.
05:28Listen, Neil, I don't have time to stand around here all night
05:30being subjected to your adulting innuendos.
05:33Do you want this bath water or not?
05:35Er...
05:36You haven't got much of a choice, actually,
05:37because there's no more hot water.
05:39Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.
05:44Well, don't look at me, Neil.
05:46Vivian had the bath before me,
05:47and Mike had it before him.
05:49And anyway, Neil,
05:50the whole thing's left over from the bath you had last Tuesday.
05:53So stop being so bloody picky.
05:54That's your filth.
05:57I hate bath night.
06:00Oh, well, here goes.
06:05It's a bit cold.
06:07Oh, come off it, Neil.
06:08Where's your spunk?
06:11Right, that's it.
06:14Your video is now ready for use.
06:17Insert cassette.
06:20Rewind to beginning of tape.
06:23And press play.
06:25Happy viewing.
06:26Ha, ha, ha!
06:27They wouldn't say that, I think,
06:28in what video we've got.
06:30Right.
06:38Well, I don't call this a new era in televisual entertainment.
06:41No.
06:42I call it very, very dull.
06:45It must have gone wrong somewhere.
06:46Oh, God.
06:47Maybe you shouldn't have poured
06:48all that washing-up liquid into it.
06:50No, it says here, Michael, look,
06:52Ensure machine is clean and free from dust.
06:57Yeah, but it doesn't say
06:58ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid.
07:00Yeah, but it doesn't say
07:01ensure the machine isn't full of washing-up liquid.
07:04Well, it wouldn't, would it?
07:05I mean, it doesn't say
07:06ensure you don't chop up your video machine with an axe.
07:09Put all the bits in a plastic bag
07:10and bung them down the laboratory.
07:11Doesn't it?
07:12Well, maybe that's where we're going wrong.
07:14I think, put it down, Peter!
07:16That's worth 500 pounds.
07:18I'm minding that for Harry the Bastard.
07:20So, a gangster?
07:22No, he's a bloke who works at Rumble-O's.
07:27Neil, is it really necessary
07:29to have the light on when you're in the bath?
07:33Yeah.
07:34Why, what are you planning to do?
07:35Photosynthesise?
07:39We all pay for the electricity in this house, you know.
07:43Vivienne, I know you're in my bedroom
07:46preparing one of your desperately adult practical jokes.
07:49So anything ghastly that happens to me in the next five minutes
07:51isn't funny at all.
07:52Because I know it's going to happen.
07:54So, the joke's on you.
08:05Vivienne?
08:17Strange.
08:18Maybe he's ill.
08:49Aargh!
08:50Aargh!
08:51Aargh!
08:52Aargh!
08:54What's that?
08:59Oh, wow!
09:00It's gone by.
09:01I was wondering where that was.
09:05Ha-ha!
09:06Try getting out of that, so-called Vivienne.
09:10What's that thumping?
09:11Oh, it's probably Rick doing a bit of reading.
09:14Maybe a bit of oil will do the trick.
09:16Or forward a video of Rick's bed springs.
09:18Oh, have we got a video?
09:20Yes, we've got a video!
09:36Hello, Rick.
09:39Mike, listen.
09:40I've just boarded up Vivienne in his bedroom.
09:44He'll be here for a pretty big shock
09:46when he gets up for his nine o'clock tutorial.
09:49Well, I think that should do it.
09:52Vivienne!
09:53You arsehole bastard!
09:55Why aren't you in your bed?
09:57Because I'm not going to bed tonight.
09:59What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight?
10:01How dare you not go to bed tonight?
10:03I go to all the trouble of boarding you up in your bedroom
10:05and you haven't even got the common decency to be in there.
10:07Now, don't worry, Rick.
10:08It wouldn't have worked anyway.
10:10And why not?
10:11Play?
10:12I swapped rooms with Neil!
10:14What?
10:15Well, I had to!
10:16I was sick all over my bed.
10:19You listen here, young man.
10:21You're going straight up to Neil's room,
10:22you're going to pull the planks off the door,
10:24go into your own bedroom and nail yourself in!
10:27What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight?
10:29Michael and I are going to indulge
10:31in an all-night orgy of sex and violence.
10:36What, in the drawing room?
10:37Yeah!
10:38First, we're going to have sex with the headless corpse
10:40of the Virgin Astronaut.
10:44Eurgh!
10:45Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?
10:48It's a video, nasty!
10:50It's a carpet, farty!
10:54The only trouble is we can't get the bastard to work.
10:56I'm not surprised if he's dead.
10:58Not the astronaut, the video.
10:59Oh!
11:00Have we got the video?
11:02Yes, we've got a video!
11:06Wait a minute, where did you get it from?
11:08Look, don't spread it around, all right,
11:09but I know this guy.
11:12What, you borrowed it off him?
11:13Yeah, more or less.
11:14There's a free offer down at the TV rental shop
11:16where you can get one on trial for the night.
11:18Yeah, yeah, so I sort of slid down there
11:20and I had a word with the guy.
11:21Slid back, got his birth certificate,
11:23the prayer of his age?
11:24Yeah, of course, Master Major.
11:26And Bob's your auntie's living lover.
11:27Except that they've given us a dud!
11:29Given us a dud!
11:30Give me this!
11:31Right!
11:32Vivienne, this is for a toaster.
11:39Available now
11:51Shut the door, will you?
11:53Some people always have to make
11:54a dramatic entrance, don't they?
11:58What's the matter this time?
12:00I think he's been shot.
12:03You know what that means, don't you?
12:05You've stabbed?
12:06No. I'm going to have to shut the door myself.
12:16He's bleeding all over the floor.
12:18Look, I've just washed this floor.
12:20Come on, let go of the trousers.
12:21What's the matter?
12:22You can see he's muttering. He's grabbing hold of my trousers.
12:24Maybe he's trying to apologise about the floor.
12:26So you're going to go to Geneva tonight?
12:28347 Waller de Carrier.
12:30Ask for Alec Galles.
12:33Look, hold on, hold on. I'll never remember all this.
12:34Look, give us a piece of paper.
12:35Use that.
12:36Did you have the ace all the time?
12:37Oh, not that one.
12:40Harry! Harry!
12:42All right, all right. I'm not made of paper.
12:43I mean, I'm not a cheque.
12:45That's very good, actually.
12:47That's rather good, isn't it?
12:48I saw a comedian do it on telly.
12:49Oh, yeah, I saw it. I think I saw it. What's it called?
12:51Harry!
12:53Harry, that's it, yeah.
12:54Harry Seacrest!
12:55Harry Seacrest.
12:56The gods, I get a bloody paper!
12:58No, look, look. It won't be in the paper.
13:00It was last week.
13:01You've got to go to Geneva tonight.
13:03The whole of Western civilisation depends upon it.
13:09Yeah, I know all that. It's just that...
13:11You see, I've got a really good hand here, you see, and...
13:13Anyway, I mean, how am I going to get to the airport, eh?
13:15Who's going to pay for the ticket?
13:17Give me that paper. Come on.
13:19Now, what's the message?
13:21What's the message? Come on.
13:22He's dead.
13:23How do you spell it?
13:24He's dead.
13:29Look, Steve, I'm going to have to contact England
13:33They're going to have to solve this question once and for all.
13:40Haven't you got that thing started yet?
13:42Give us a chance, Mike.
13:43Yeah, we'd make some toast.
13:49Lordy, lordy!
13:50Who can that be phoning us up at this hour?
13:53Well, maybe someone's just died.
13:55Oh, what, you mean one of our relatives?
13:56Yes, perhaps so.
13:58What?
14:00Oh, wow, I must have dozed off.
14:03Oh, it's really dark in here.
14:07Where's the light switch?
14:11Press that button!
14:12I am pressing the button!
14:14And you're doing it wrong!
14:16You're supposed to use your hand!
14:18Well, I like this.
14:22You're supposed to use your hand!
14:24You're supposed to use your hand!
14:26You're supposed to use your hand!
14:37Hello?
14:39No, sorry, you'll have to speak up.
14:42I don't know, I'll ask.
14:44Hey, guys, do you know the name of a short comedian?
14:47Harry something.
14:49Yeah.
14:50Yes!
14:51Yes, we do.
14:53I know your filth, they can't have a pub.
14:56I just had one.
14:58It's amazing how dirty you can get in this house just answering the phone.
15:02Hey, everybody, listen.
15:04It was probably a dirty phone call.
15:07Shut up or I'll kill you!
15:09Oh, to say, what devastating repartee.
15:12Talk about Oscar Wilde.
15:14Oh, all right.
15:16Oscar Wilde was one of the greatest British writers.
15:18He was persecuted for his homosexuality.
15:21Shut up!
15:23Shut up!
15:25Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, be like that, Rick.
15:28Be like what, exactly, Neil? Be like what?
15:30Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world.
15:34What, you mean, like your trousers?
15:37Don't you dare say that, flares are coming back in.
15:41I read it in my horoscope.
15:42Yeah, how dare he say that, Neil!
15:45Smash his face in!
15:47I'm not into violence, Rick, but I'm really going to smash your face in!
15:53Neil, how are you giving up that bottle?
16:00I'm on this shopping video, I won!
16:02I mean...
16:03Hey, I just had a revolutionary idea!
16:06What?
16:07Let's raise the People's Army and seize control of the state!
16:14Oh, no!
16:15The front door's exploded!
16:19Vivian! Vivian!
16:22Vivian! Vivian! Vivian!
16:24Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always blame Vivian!
16:30Well, who do you suggest we blame? Thatcher?
16:33No, blame whoever rang the front doorbell,
16:35because they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up.
16:40What bomb?
16:42Well, I was worried that we wouldn't be able to hear the front doorbell,
16:45so I thought I'd pep it up a bit.
16:47Well, I call it totally irresponsible!
16:50Fancy coming round and ringing the doorbell at this time of night!
16:54Hey, I bet whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find a step out.
17:00Cough! Cough!
17:01Splutter!
17:03Caw an exploding front door!
17:06Stone the crows!
17:08The missus will never believe this un!
17:13What do you want?
17:14I have a parcel for a Mr. J. Blowsky!
17:21Special delivery!
17:23Piss off, postage!
17:25Sign here!
17:27Much obliged, I'm sure!
17:29And now, here is your package!
17:38Oh!
17:48Thank you!
17:50Oh, thank you!
18:07How was that, Paul? Was I all right?
18:11A package from the Transvaal! How strange!
18:14I always think that one should do comedy absolutely straight,
18:17otherwise it just isn't funny.
18:19A package from the Transvaal! How strange!
18:22I wonder what it can be?
18:24It's probably a consignment of very hard drugs!
18:28Why does it say fragile, then?
18:30Ah! That's probably Transvaalian for very hard drugs!
18:35When I was in Eastbourne once on the ref,
18:38Larry said to me,
18:40Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?
18:43Darling, I said you don't need to change for the phone!
18:47Will you shut up, please!
18:50Little squirt, he does one advert, he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman!
18:56Now then, where was I?
18:57You were over there, by the door.
18:59Oh, no, before that, Michael!
19:01Oh, God! I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!
19:08Listen to me! Everybody in the house, listen to me!
19:11Oh, shut up, Neil! We're talking about the video!
19:13Yeah, shut up, Neil!
19:15We've got videos to talk about, haven't we, Mike?
19:18Everybody in the house, listen to me,
19:20because I have actually got something to tell you all,
19:22which I think you're going to find really interesting.
19:25Neil! Why are you wearing that dress?
19:27That's the thing I've got to tell you all about.
19:30Well, Neil, we don't want to know!
19:31Yes, yes! Who wants to hear about a silly old dress?
19:34Well, I do!
19:36I'm wearing this dress right
19:38because some really selfish negative vibe merchant
19:41has boarded up my bedroom.
19:44Well, that's that sorted out.
19:45Now let's get back to the video, shall we?
19:47So, like, I couldn't get any of my own clothes right,
19:49which I, like, really needed, because I was, like, nude.
19:52And so I went into Rick's bedroom, right,
19:55and, like, all I could find there, clothes-wise, right,
19:59was this dress.
20:03Ah. Um...
20:05Ha-ha-ha.
20:07Ha-ha-ha.
20:10Oh! Oh! Oh!
20:12So you've taken to snooping around other people's bedrooms,
20:15have you, Neil?
20:16Gloving about and planting evidence of transvestitism
20:19so as to topple me from my position
20:21of most popular member of the flat?
20:23Well, it won't work!
20:24I've never seen that dress before in my life!
20:26Well, it's got your name tag in it, Rick.
20:29Oh, God, look, it's not mine! It's not mine!
20:32What would I want with the dress?
20:34It's not... Look, I've got money. Here, take money. Here.
20:36Thank you.
20:37I think we should tell the pigs.
20:39Yeah, me too!
20:40I don't like to say anything negative, but no.
20:42If the police come round here,
20:44they'll grab all of our nasties.
20:46Oh?
20:47Oh, will you?
20:48Oh, have we got a video?
20:50If anyone else asks me that question,
20:52I'm gonna stick their head through the window.
20:55Viv, have we got a video?
20:58Right. Come this way, Neil.
21:07Sideways, Tom.
21:09Thank you.
21:15I still don't understand.
21:17I still don't understand.
21:18Does that mean we got one or not?
21:22I'm finding everything really confusing today.
21:32Transported for life to the colonies.
21:34And for what?
21:35Scum I was to that beat. Nothing but scum.
21:38It is for my accent and my situation that I am condemned.
21:41It is for the want of better graces and the influence they bring
21:44that I am to board this prison hulk.
21:47And for all the murders you've done.
21:50Aged and toothless and bent, old croon.
21:53How do you know me name?
21:54We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.
21:58Oh, yeah?
21:59What's a concubine, then?
22:01It's a small, spiky mammal.
22:04Oh, that's a hedgehog.
22:06Oh. Well, in that case, we wish to engage you as ship's cook and hedgehog.
22:11Hello, mate.
22:12Say goodbye to merry England.
22:14It's Australia for us.
22:17Quite looking forward, really.
22:20My son and daughter-in-law went out about six years ago.
22:24And I haven't even seen the baby.
22:26Must be near four by now.
22:32Oh, what? Oh, too much.
22:35Oh, can I have a go on it, guys?
22:37Oh, come on, please. Please.
22:39All right, Neil. All right.
22:40As long as you're very careful and you don't break it.
22:42Yeah, because at the moment, Neil,
22:44it's in absolutely complete working order.
22:47Yes, it is.
22:48So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work,
22:51that means you've broken it and you've got to pay.
22:53£500.
22:54Yeah, anything, anything.
22:55Oh, wow.
22:56Yeah.
22:59But it's not plugged in.
23:04Oh, no, this doesn't reach.
23:05Have we got an extension?
23:07Yeah, in the kitchen.
23:09No, I mean the lead.
23:10This doesn't reach.
23:11Oh, God.
23:24Oh, that's right, Vivienne.
23:26If the mountain won't come to Mohammed,
23:28smash the drawing room to pieces.
23:30That's very Buddhist, isn't it?
23:32Right.
23:35That's brilliant, Neil. It's working.
23:38Just where you are, Neil. That's fabulous.
23:40That's fabulous.
23:52Well, what's it to be first, then, dear?
23:55Head in a vice?
23:57Knitting needle in the ear?
24:00Or red-hot poker up the juxie?
24:04Thank goodness I've brought along my favourite painkiller.
24:07What?
24:09Pain away?
24:10Yes, pain away.
24:12In my busy life as a working mum,
24:14nursery school teacher
24:16and anguished soul
24:17cast into the pit for all eternity,
24:19sometimes I get those headachy pains.
24:22That strange, washed-out feeling
24:25that you just can't explain.
24:27She's talking about period pains.
24:31So next time you get one of those pains,
24:34I recommend a hysterectomy.
24:36I'm definitely running no time at all.
24:39Ouch!
24:40That's better.
24:41Pain away.
24:48Neil!
24:49I was watching that, you selfish bastard!
24:52Oh, stop piddling, Neil!
24:53Honestly, I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!
24:58Greetings from South Africa.
25:01It's a vampire!
25:02In a parcel!
25:03In the kitchen!
25:04In the kitchen!
25:05Hate mail.
25:06What are we going to do?
25:08Only pop music can save us now!
25:40God is coming after you!
25:47Excuse me, can you tell me the way to the toilet?
25:52Cry the innocent, the screams of pain
25:55He's coming for you again and again
25:59There's no escape, there's no way out
26:03Catch, catch, Mahara Taxi
26:08I fell in love with the video gas thing
26:11Catch, catch, Mahara Train
26:14A freeze-frame, gonna drag you insane
26:24The axe is sharp and the blade is keen
26:27Creation's ninja spirit's powerful scream
26:31Shadows fall and all is gloom
26:35You're not so safe in safety I found
26:40All I want is to make a killing
26:43To drill and kill, I might be really failing
26:47But I'm a victim, so I'm willing
26:50You can be sure that you won't see me
26:57Take the fool with that axe, you meanie!
26:59Stay right where you are!
27:01I've got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!
27:04Yeah, yeah, take it easy, fam!
27:06You're messing with the big boys now!
27:09No, this is some kind of terrible misunderstanding!
27:12I'm not a vampire, I'm a driving instructor!
27:16From Johannesburg!
27:18I fell in love with the video gas thing
27:21Catch, catch, Mahara Train
27:24A freeze-frame, gonna drag you insane
27:28Catch, catch, Mahara Taxi
27:31I fell in love with the video gas thing
27:35Catch, catch, Mahara Train
27:38A freeze-frame, gonna drag you insane
27:42Catch, catch, Mahara Taxi
27:45I fell in love with the video gas thing
27:49Catch, catch, Mahara Train
27:52I'm a driving instructor from Johannesburg!
27:55Prove it!
27:56How?
27:57Okay, what should you never do in a box junction?
28:00In a box junction, you should never enter it unless your exit is clear
28:04Ah, true
28:05Okay, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
28:10Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors
28:14If nobody is behind you, you should rip out a virgin's throat and throw it at me!
28:18Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!
28:20Driving instructor, my bottom!
28:22You're a vampire and there's no denying it!
28:25Ouch, Ben!
28:27Neil, what exactly does messing with the big boys entail?
28:33Er, this
28:36Well, I've tried the bat as his dog's home, they won't take him
28:38Hey, you should have tried the dog as the bat's home!
28:41Ah, don't be kidding
28:42I don't think I'm being a vampire
28:43Don't be flippant
28:44No, listen, I just want to...
28:45Right, no, don't be flippant
28:46Forget it, forget it, forget it!
28:48This is actually very serious
28:55What are we going to do?
28:57I don't know, why don't we bite him to death?
29:00No, you can't bite me, I'm South African!
29:03I know, I know, why don't we lock him in the toilet?
29:06Neil, we have locked him in the toilet
29:08Oh, yeah, it was a good idea, wasn't it?
29:11Mike, Mike, what happens when one of us wants to spend a penny?
29:14I mean, he'll be able to see us, won't he?
29:16Oh, no, no, Peter!
29:18I've got it! Peter Cushing!
29:20We've got to drive a stake through his heart!
29:22Great, I'll get the car!
29:24I'll get a cushion
29:30Oh, no, we haven't got a stake
29:34All we've got is this vegetarian sausage
29:39Right, I've got the car, where's the stake?
29:44It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh, you know what I mean?
29:46I mean, all the way from the Transvaal by Second Class Post
29:49to end up in a filthy, dirty, horrible toilet in a television studio
29:54I mean, people think that telly's great, you know, they tell me all the time
29:57television must be great, but it's not, it's dead boring, you know
30:00and that lot, I mean, they're all dull as well, you know
30:02and they all talk about me behind me back
30:04I hate him, he drinks like a fish
30:07Right, he's got no talent
30:09Alexi, who?
30:10Well, see, the worst thing about television, you see
30:12I'm a Marxist comedian, you know
30:14but since I've been doing a lot of television
30:16a lot of me Marxist friends have accused me of selling out, you know
30:20like they make me march at the back on demos, you know
30:23they're all selling Socialist Worker and I have to sell the TV Times
30:28So I'd just like to take this opportunity on national television
30:31to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have not sold out
30:37Anyway, roundabout now
30:39I usually have a pot noodle, yes
30:42Yes, yes
30:44It's a tasty, mmm, doesn't that look good?
30:47It's a tasty, delicious little snack
30:50Mmm, let's try some, shall we?
30:52Oh, doesn't that look absolutely yumptious?
30:55Let's try some, shall we?
31:01The vampire's escaped from the little person's room
31:03I don't see what all the fuss is about
31:05Vampires only attack virgins
31:10Yeah, I'm not worried for myself, Viv
31:14It's Rick and Neil I'm concerned for
31:16What? Me? Ha! Rick? A virgin? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
31:20Just I tell you that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours
31:24Well, if Rick's not a virgin, then I'm not either
31:27Well, we'll soon be able to find out, won't we?
31:29Because the vampire's going to know
31:31and if anybody gets attacked
31:33then we'll know that they're a sissy virgin
31:37I hope snogging with S.P.G. counts
31:40He's going to get us, he's going to turn us all into vampires
31:43and we'll all be dead and yet still alive
31:46like Leonard Cohen
31:48He's bound to bite me first
31:50I'm obviously the most succulent
31:52Right
31:53Mr. Vampire, Mr. Vampire
31:56Look, don't bite me, I'm Hoyt, I'm covered in acne
31:59Bite me or your soul be savoured
32:02OK, guys, there's only one way out
32:04We've all got to lose our virginity
32:06Now!
32:07But how, Mike?
32:09Oh, no, that's not Rick
32:11That's not Big
32:13Beg's not Neil
32:18OK, who's first?
32:20My God, what a choice
32:22Look, out the window
32:27Oh, no, I forgot about the time
32:29Oh, no, I forgot about the time difference
32:31between here and Johannesburg
32:40Rick, nail him in
32:47Thank heavens for Habitat, so for Goffins
32:56So, in fact, you see, all four of us
32:58have stayed up for the entire night
33:01Now, that's what I call anarchy
33:04We never did get to watch the video
33:06Have you got a video?
33:08Yes, we've got a video
33:12Oh, yes
33:14Oh, no, the video
33:15If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard
33:17by half-past nine, we'll owe him 500 quid
33:19What time is it?
33:21Half-past nine
33:24I fooled you all
33:26Oh, blimey
33:28You fell for the oldest trick in the book
33:30the old strange parcel routine
33:32and you were completely taken in
33:34by my phony South African accent
33:36Really, I thought you were Australian
33:38like David Bowie
33:40In fact
33:42Harry the Bastard
33:44We're very same
33:46and you owe me 500 quid
33:48Wow, what a complete bastard
33:56Thank you
33:59Blimey, blimey
34:06We were pleased
34:08that we could show you this
34:10in the 27th
34:12of the 27th
34:14of the 27th
34:16of the 27th
34:1827th, 27th, 27th
34:20You've only got to look at those video
34:22lives of yours
34:24Oh, blimey
34:26Oh, blimey
34:28Oh, blimey
34:38It is incredible