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FunTranscript
00:00You're so right to be in love with me, it's something you simply must do, you really can't
00:16help yourself, I know, because I love you too.
00:20Jill!
00:21Yes, Lucky?
00:22Do you have to play that warbling Romeo on my day off?
00:26I'm doing serious work here.
00:27Well, just maybe I'm trying to remind someone of a very special occasion.
00:33You don't have to play his music to remind me I'm Julio Calamari's police protection
00:37at tomorrow night's concert.
00:38I was hoping to shake loose a more romantic response than that.
00:42What's romance got to do with babysitting a singer who gives you gas?
00:47Be grateful you've got headlights instead of ears.
00:50Now, if I could just figure a way out of that Calamari duty...
00:58Bonkers!
01:06Hiya, big guy!
01:09Bonkers!
01:10How very nice to see you!
01:13It is?
01:14Well, of course it is!
01:16Have I ever not been glad to see my partner, my inspiration, my do-anything-for-a-friend
01:22friend?
01:23You want me to do you a favor, don't you?
01:25Not at all.
01:26I'm going to do you a favor.
01:28You're going to let me borrow the squad car after all?
01:31Whoa, wait a while.
01:33Why in the world would I let you use my official police squad car assigned personally to yours
01:38truly?
01:39Because you promised.
01:40Oh, but this is much better than borrowing the old squad car.
01:45It is?
01:46Oh, you bet!
01:48I'm going to let you have the honor of...
01:50No, no, no.
01:51The privilege of guarding Julio Calamari tomorrow night.
01:55You're going to let me do that?
01:56I fuck that guy!
01:57What about the squad car?
02:00I told you, I'm not letting you borrow my squad car.
02:03But Lucky, we're not sort of friends that do each other favors.
02:05You do me a favor, I do you a favor.
02:07You do me a favor, I do you a favor.
02:08What am I supposed to do without my transportation?
02:10Not to worry, old best friend of mine.
02:12Check it out.
02:14Not the scooter.
02:15Please, not the tomb scooter.
02:18Yes, you've been really lucky.
02:20The wind in our faces, the bugs in our teeth.
02:23Never.
02:24Not in a million years.
02:25Nick's negative.
02:26Uh-uh.
02:27Not a minute.
02:28Okay, okay.
02:29Can't blame a guy for trying.
02:30Anywho, I came over to give you your anniversary present.
02:32Anniversary?
02:33Don't be silly.
02:34It's not our anniversary, though.
02:37We'll have some time in...
02:39Tomorrow night.
02:40Forgot, huh?
02:41I don't want to see you in the dark house, Lucky.
02:43But Pluto's airing out a spare room.
02:45That's why the little lady was playing all that dippy, kissy-face music.
02:49Oh, bonkers.
02:50What are you doing here?
02:52I'm doomed.
02:54Looks like she caught us, Lucky.
02:56You want to fill her in, you romantic slob, you?
02:59Bonkers, what are you going on about?
03:02Uh, no.
03:03You go ahead and tell her, bonkers.
03:05Lucky had me get you these as a surprise anniversary gift.
03:09Oh, you big phony.
03:11I thought you'd forgotten.
03:13Again.
03:14Not this time, babe.
03:16So, Luxter, what time should I have the old squad car back?
03:19What?
03:20You can't...
03:21Ah, yeah.
03:22Well, just, uh, get up in the morning, I guess.
03:25See?
03:27Uh, what concert, uh, would that be again?
03:29Oh, stop playing coy with me.
03:31The Julio Calamari concert tomorrow night.
03:34Don't worry, Lucky.
03:36Bonkers told me to take good care of you.
03:39Oh, Ray.
03:42Me, me, me.
03:50Oh, you beautiful man.
03:53I'd kiss myself if it didn't hurt so much to turn your lips inside out.
03:59And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
04:05I, the incomparable Julio Calamari, will sing your soul right to be in love with me.
04:16Hey!
04:17What's the matter with you?
04:18Didn't you hear me say I was going to sing?
04:21So sing, little pot-chop.
04:24No, sir.
04:26No?
04:27You dare to tell the great Calamari no?
04:31Not until you let me see my mama.
04:34Your mother is in a very safe place, as long as you keep singing.
04:41The animals at Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo are treated so sweet.
04:46That is, if everyone keeps cooperating.
05:02He's a dead tune.
05:05Hiya, Luxter. Need a ride?
05:07No.
05:08You're going to be late for work.
05:11Oh, all right.
05:13Police headquarters at Step On.
05:32Oh!
05:39Come back down here, bonkers.
05:41Is that you, Lucky?
05:43Oh, nice haircut.
05:45Never mind my hair, bonkers.
05:47I got just the case for us, bossamio.
05:49Just came in.
05:50It involves a missing tune pig, see?
05:52And a baby's missing, too.
05:54Charlie's his name. You know that, huh?
05:56Now, suppose you tell me what happened to my squad car.
06:00Oh, Lucky, it was great.
06:02Everything was going fine until that dumb cat jumped out of nowhere.
06:06Cliff.
06:08But you don't have to worry about that silly old car until it's out of its sack.
06:12Not to worry, Lucky.
06:14We'll get to it after I check out Calamari.
06:18I said, who's the greatest one of all?
06:21Why, you, of course, my dear Julio.
06:25True, true, true.
06:28Oh, brother.
06:30And don't you forget that sausage breath.
06:36Who dares to disturb Calamari the genius?
06:39Officer Bonkers, sir.
06:40Officer.
06:41Oh, yes, that complaint of pigs squealing.
06:43That was just me getting excited over my review.
06:46I'm not here about any complaints.
06:48I'm your personal concert security.
06:50Ain't your biggest fan?
06:59What's in here?
07:00No.
07:01Don't.
07:07What's all this?
07:09Thigh side nibbles?
07:11Bite-sized pellets to keep your piglet fat and happy?
07:14Maybe pig food.
07:15This reminds me of something.
07:17A wonderful nutrition for the voice.
07:20And I eat it when it grows.
07:23Gross is the word, all right.
07:25Fabulous.
07:26Try some.
07:31Amazing what a tool will do for a life, isn't it?
07:34You see, it's wonderful for the throat thingies.
07:38Do, do, do, do.
07:40Right, right, right.
07:41Me, me, me.
07:43Who was that, that, that?
07:46Oh, you see?
07:48It makes you sound like you have two voices.
07:51Amazing.
07:52I thought it was that little toon pig you keep under your chair.
07:55Toon pig.
07:56It reminds me of something.
07:58I must ask you to leave.
07:59You see, I have a performance to prepare.
08:01Hey, I can't wait.
08:02I'm your second biggest fan next to my partner's wife.
08:05Yes, how charming.
08:06Why don't you go far, far away and give her this pass to an after-concert dinner with me in person?
08:12Wow, thanks.
08:14I hate cops.
08:16Especially toon cops.
08:19Please hurry, Lucky.
08:20We're already late.
08:22Oh, I hope I don't see anyone I know.
08:25Now, don't drive too fast, because I just had my head...
08:27Ah!
08:29This is a challenge.
08:33Ah!
08:35Ah!
08:37Ah!
08:38Ah!
08:39Ah!
08:40Ah!
08:41Ah!
08:42Ah!
08:43Ah!
08:44Ah!
08:45Ah!
08:46Ah!
08:47Ah!
08:49Ah!
08:50Ah!
08:51Oh, my God.
08:53Oh!
08:54Thank you, thank you.
08:56You have wonderful taste.
08:59Good night, good night.
09:01Buy more tickets.
09:02You made us miss the concert.
09:05What happened?
09:07Why, Lucky, I can't remember when I've had so much fun.
09:11Thank you so very much for a wonderful evening.
09:15Nothing but the best for almost Lieutenant Piquel's number one source of entertainment.
09:21Well, I do my best.
09:24Can I see my mama now?
09:26You may never see her again with that toon cop hanging around.
09:30In the meantime, keep your mouth shut and rest your vocal cords.
09:36Sleep tight.
09:39Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:43I've got to keep my little piggy safe so he can sing me all the way to the top.
09:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:54Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:58Well, I guess things can't get much worse than this.
10:01Lucky you.
10:02Great concert, huh?
10:04We missed it.
10:05Excuse me.
10:07Seat number 221B.
10:10Oh, terrific.
10:11Now he's going to tell us we're in trouble for missing the concert in the wrong seats.
10:16Well, these are our seats already.
10:18Congratulations, Mrs. Piquel.
10:20You've won our special door prize.
10:22At this particular moment, we have no great need for a door.
10:26Don't mind him.
10:27He's a husband.
10:28What'd I win?
10:29An after-concert dinner at Crumb's Leftover Palace at the personal guest of Julio Calamari in person.
10:33Dinner with Calamari?
10:35Tonight?
10:36He's a wonderful man.
10:38One ticket.
10:39There's only one ticket.
10:40I'm sure it was an oversight, Lucky.
10:42We were busy singing scales for this baby tune pig.
10:45Hmm.
10:46Why does that remind me of something?
10:48This is turning out to be the best anniversary we've ever had.
10:52There's only one ticket.
10:54Tune pig?
10:55Hmm.
10:56An evening with my favorite performer.
10:58I don't like this one-ticket business.
11:00Oh, you're very sweet, Lucky, but I know you can't stand him.
11:04I can enjoy myself, and you can have the night off after all.
11:07Some night off?
11:08What am I supposed to do?
11:09Now, where's that scooter?
11:12You beat?
11:14Home.
11:15And make it snappy this time.
11:16I've got a dinner date with a hot autograph.
11:19I wonder if Calamari will take his tune pig to dinner, too.
11:22Tune pig?
11:23Lucky, that's it.
11:25Calamari kidnapped a tune pig.
11:27Great.
11:28My wife's going to dinner with a criminal, and I'm not just referring to a singing voice.
11:31Come on, Lucky.
11:32We've got to save her.
11:36We can't do anything rash.
11:37Yeah, we've got to come up with a plan.
11:39An idea.
11:40A perception.
11:41An insight.
11:42A strategy.
11:43Can you stand over there and be quiet?
11:49Not so close, please.
11:53A plan that will keep Charlie and his mother safe.
11:55Something to distract Calamari while I question Charlie about his mother's whereabouts.
12:01That's it.
12:03Don't ever touch a police officer there.
12:05Sorry.
12:06You didn't signal your stop.
12:08Never mind that, Lucky.
12:09I've got a plan.
12:10An idea.
12:11A strategy.
12:12Spit it out.
12:13I'll distract Calamari.
12:14You question Charlie about mama.
12:15Brilliant.
12:16And Charlie and his mom will be safe, right?
12:18Trust me.
12:24Trust me.
12:25Okay.
12:26Charlie is right down there.
12:28Where?
12:29Right down there.
12:30He's in the cage under Calamari's chair.
12:33You go down and talk to Charlie while I keep Calamari busy.
12:37How am I supposed to get down there?
12:42Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?
12:48Now what?
12:51Yes.
12:52Are you the guy who wanted a haircut?
12:53Or the guy who wanted a mouth cut?
12:57Yes.
12:58Did someone here call about a big drip?
13:00No.
13:02Are you sure you're all right, sir?
13:04Oh, sure, sure.
13:05The bleeding's stopped now.
13:07And both my hips have popped back out of my collarbone.
13:10Yes.
13:11Telegram for Mr. Calamari Zoo.
13:14No one here by that name.
13:17So fill me in.
13:19Well, you see, sir,
13:20it all started when Calamari offered my mama a job
13:23at Old McDonald's Petting Zoo.
13:26Candy for Mr. Calamari Zoo.
13:28No!
13:31Boris, Mr. Calamari Zoo?
13:32No, no, no, no!
13:35Hi. Calamari Zoo's the name.
13:37Anything come for me?
13:42That ought to hold them.
13:46Come in.
13:48Officer Barker's reporting, Mr. C.
13:50I heard you've been plagued by solicitors.
13:52I'm here to take you to safety.
13:54Never mind that. I have a dinner to attend.
13:56Come on, Julio.
13:57I'll escort you personally by myself.
14:01I have to look after my chair.
14:03Chair?
14:04Well, of course.
14:05I have a dinner engagement,
14:07and I never go anywhere without my chair.
14:13You see, my chair is my trademark.
14:15I never leave home without it.
14:18Hey, do you really want a chair run in your life?
14:20Just say no.
14:21Listen, officer.
14:22I heard something in there with my chair just a few minutes ago.
14:25Wait, Mr. Calamari.
14:27I am the policeman assigned to protect you.
14:29I shall check it out.
14:34Bonkers, you're just in time.
14:36No time. Come in later.
14:38Just get in here quick.
14:44What's going on?
14:46Turns out you're going to dinner with Calamari after all.
14:53See? Everything's fine.
14:55Yes? Fine?
14:59Your services are no longer required.
15:01Officer Bonkers, goodbye.
15:06Are you in there, Charlie?
15:08Yes, we're here.
15:10I mean, I'm here.
15:11Good, good, good.
15:13Everything will be fine.
15:14Oh, that little fuzzy cop is out of the picture.
15:18Now, darling, you can't have dinner with us.
15:20You were not invited.
15:22I thought you liked me.
15:24Oh, honey, you're just too freewheeling for a stuffy place like this.
15:28Well, I am, aren't I?
15:30Well, if you need me, just whistle.
15:32I'll remember that.
15:37What happens now?
15:38We wait for my partner to make his move.
15:43Oh, my dear lady.
15:45What an honor for you to share this repast with me.
15:49Oh, Mr. Calamari, I am so thrilled to meet you.
15:57Care to order?
15:59Have a seat and peruse the cuisine.
16:02Don't I know you?
16:04Nah, all us public servants look alike.
16:07Bonkers?
16:08You see? She thinks I'm somebody else, too.
16:11Le oops.
16:13She's a clumsy waiter drops the menu.
16:15Le oops.
16:16She's a clumsy waiter drops the menu.
16:18Excusez-moi.
16:21Rocky, enjoying dinner?
16:23Hiya, pigster.
16:24Bonkers, stop playing around.
16:26You have to get Charlie's mom away from Old MacDonald so we can arrest Calamari.
16:30That farmer?
16:31Piece of cake.
16:32You guys sit tight.
16:33I don't see how we can sit any other way.
16:35Right-a.
16:36Soup is on the way.
16:37We haven't ordered.
16:46Shoo!
16:57Old Mac never was much of a farmer.
17:00But the old hayseed sure loves animals.
17:03Now, all I have to do is find Charlie's mom.
17:11Hey, mom, you can turn off the waterworks.
17:14Who are you?
17:15Charlie sent me to get you out.
17:17Oh, that's lovely, dear, but who's going to get you out?
17:23Uh-oh. I'm really in the soup now.
17:25Soup!
17:26Hold that thought. I'll be right back.
17:45Soup's on.
17:46Bon appétit.
17:47And don't let the peppers die.
17:49See you at the salamander.
17:50Hot, hot. Soup, now.
17:55It's about time I showed Dill what this goon is really all about.
17:59Look, it's Julio Calamari.
18:02Sing for us, Julio.
18:05Oh, wonderful.
18:07Oh, Julio, won't you sing for us?
18:10Sing for us, Julio.
18:13Yes, of course, I will sing.
18:17It will get me out of range of that waiter.
18:25Now, you were about to tell me why you were keeping this mother and her poor defenseless little baby apart.
18:30Mother?
18:33Thank you, thank you.
18:35Yes, I deserve more, but thank you anyway.
18:39You just relax, Charlie.
18:41I'll handle the vocals on this one.
18:43So, I sing now.
18:47You're so right to be...
18:52Excuse me.
18:53I have a little pig in my throat.
18:58I will sing now.
19:03Ouch.
19:04I will sing now.
19:07Go for it, Lucky. Make him pay.
19:10Anything to keep from getting kicked again.
19:12You're so right to be in love with me and stuff.
19:19It's something you simply must do.
19:22I know that voice.
19:24You really can't help yourself.
19:27I know, because I love me.
19:41Well, I must be going.
19:45Lucky, he's getting away.
19:47I can't move. Cramps.
19:50You're not going anywhere, microphone breath.
20:05Calamari, we are here.
20:08Mama.
20:10Baby.
20:11Mama.
20:14I did it, ladies.
20:15Lucky.
20:17Bonkers.
20:21Strange.
20:23You got what it takes.
20:25And I get great mileage, too.
20:28Well, now, you shouldn't have messed with the mother, Calamari.
20:32You won't have it.
20:33But I had to have his voice.
20:37Well, that's plenty of time to improve your singing in Sing Sing.
20:42Oh, Lucky, you know I don't want anyone but you.
20:47And how could I find anyone with better taste than you?
20:51Lucky, one more time.
20:54Oh, dear.
20:55Please, for me.
21:00You're so right to be in love with me.
21:04It's something you simply must do.
21:08You really can't help yourself.
21:11I know because I love me food.