Compo dons a loud blazer and schemes to get his picture taken in Nora Batty's bedroom. When Wally buys a wardrobe at auction, the friends decide that it's the perfect way to smuggle Compo into One of the Last Few Places Unexplored by Man.
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00:39Oh, God.
00:41And they think black holes are only to be found in deep space.
00:47I must say, the concept of a hole in space confuses me enormously.
00:53But so did the instructions on the electric blanket.
00:58And that works, so I suppose God knows what he's doing.
01:02Electric blanket, you great Jesse!
01:06Why don't you put a warm brick in it, like everybody else?
01:10That's a good idea. Next time you open your mouth, put a warm brick in it.
01:15I had a ferret once, what could carry eggs in its mouth?
01:20You've led a really useful life, haven't you?
01:24He bit the milkman.
01:26What bit the milkman?
01:28The ferret, what could carry eggs.
01:31Practically full time in the dairy business, wasn't it?
01:43I wonder what life's like in Nora Batty's bedroom.
01:56Another hectic day in the struggle for existence.
02:05If you're on about the dustbins, I've already seen to them.
02:09Oh, and is that it? Two flaming dustbins and you're in for an early retirement?
02:14Why is it you can only equate efficiency with somebody running up and down?
02:18Oh, that'll be the day whenever I see anybody running up and down.
02:22No, I tell a lie. There was that occasion when you sat on me hot plate.
02:27For me?
02:29Yes, I thought so at the time.
02:31It was only afterwards when I remembered where your brains were,
02:34I realised I might have shown more sympathy.
02:36Sympathy? When have you ever shown me any sympathy?
02:39You say that to me?
02:41Me, who's nursed you all these years through thick and getting thicker.
02:46Ah, but I'm the only veteran of the Second World War who's never made love with a light-sum.
02:50Then you should have married some little idiot who was afraid of the dark.
02:55Now she tells me.
03:05How's it going then, Sid?
03:07Oh, the better we've seen you.
03:09I thought I was depressed till you walked in.
03:13Tell her, Norga, she can't do with me hanging about doing nothing.
03:19Aye, I know the system.
03:21I've never seen anybody more bitter against unemployment for me.
03:25Backing you off on errands again, is she?
03:27Aye.
03:28Well, knowing your Nora, separation can't be all that bad, can it?
03:32It's not leaving her I mind, it's me pigeons.
03:37She sends me out on errands and it breaks me routine.
03:43She knows I like to talk to me pigeons two hours a day.
03:48What about?
03:50Well, what do you talk to pigeons about?
03:53I'm asking.
03:55Other pigeons.
03:58You've got to keep them aware of the competition.
04:02And now she's sending me off to her furniture sales at an auction, Wilms.
04:08Hello, I said they're letting them out again before they cured.
04:13How do, Walt?
04:14How do, compo.
04:16How do.
04:17That's a spirit, Wally. Keep looking on the bright side.
04:21She's sending me off to an auction now.
04:24Why doesn't she just divorce you like anybody normal?
04:29That's sly little Nora Betsy's house working up there,
04:33the dust flinging around her wrinkled stockings.
04:37Hey, Walt, what's life like in your bedroom?
04:41It's you and me with me pigeons.
04:45Will you stop making an exhibition of yourself and just pay for three teas?
04:51I can't find my money.
04:54I've got holes in these linings.
04:57Yes, holey linings I've got here.
04:59God, isn't it pathetic?
05:01The lengths some people go to to avoid paying for three teas.
05:05Who's paying, then?
05:07Oh, look, my shoelaces have come undone again.
05:10Well, you know, it's a good job I spotted that.
05:12You can come a nasty croppy, tripping over a loose shoelace.
05:16That's two down, one to go.
05:18It's easier to pay than go through all that.
05:21Oh, you're right, though. It's exhausting going through my pockets.
05:25Is that why you used to go through other people's when you were at school?
05:28Me?
05:29Why, you and Chunky Wigglesworth.
05:31I remember Chunky Wigglesworth.
05:33I remember Chunky Wigglesworth.
05:35He used to grab great handfuls of your trousers very carelessly.
05:39You remember him, Sid.
05:41He was famous for sitting on people at playtime.
05:44Why, he had to get married to that lass of Applethwaite's.
05:47That's right, yeah. Well, there it is, you see.
05:49You start off by sitting on a few people.
05:53What's he doing here?
05:55He's a dentist over in Macclesfield.
05:58My God, I hope he's washed his hands.
06:03Get your great boot off my furniture.
06:06Just adjusting the shoelace, madam.
06:08You stand there, letting this lot trample over the furniture.
06:11He's not hurting it.
06:13No, and he's not improving it either.
06:15I'll have to go. I've got to get to auction room.
06:18All right, get out.
06:20Get out.
06:21That's right, go on, make people feel welcome.
06:24Oh, we know what a champion you are at making folk feel welcome.
06:27Since when have you ever been pleasant to a customer?
06:30I'm waiting till we get one alike.
06:34You're always rude to people.
06:36Me?
06:37Yes, you.
06:38When do I not make people feel welcome?
06:41What happens every time our family pays us a visit?
06:44Your family? I thought we were talking about people.
06:48There you go, you see what your attitude is.
06:50They all know.
06:51They all know too damn much.
06:53They always try to be friendly.
06:55I can't stand you already.
06:57Whenever he comes here, he does everything possible to make you feel at home.
07:01I am at home, the cheeky beggar.
07:03You know what I mean.
07:05Eddie's always cheerful.
07:07He's famous in the family for being funny.
07:09Then how come his wife's gone so grey?
07:11I feel sorry for that little woman, I do.
07:13Oh, we know you feel sorry for that little woman.
07:16I caught you last Christmas feeling sorry with her in the cupboard under the stairs.
07:21I was looking for roller skates.
07:23I wanted to show them your roller skates.
07:32Wait.
07:34Before we do anything, I've got to call back at my place for something.
07:37Look, if we're going walking, let's go walking.
07:40What do we want to call back at your place for?
07:42I need a clean handkerchief.
07:44Well, ever since I've known you, you've needed a clean handkerchief.
07:47See? What did I tell you?
07:50What's he up to?
07:52Well, there's only one way to find out.
07:54You can't believe a word he says.
07:56There's one word he says I tend to believe.
07:59There's one word he says I tend to believe.
08:01Yes, there was absolutely no need for him to use that word at all, you know.
08:04He didn't intend to catch his shim with the walking stick.
08:07Anyway, you expect anyone as scruffy as that to be impervious to pain.
08:10Only clean people you expect to be sensitive.
08:13And he's got a cheek, you know.
08:15Complaining about my use of the walking stick.
08:18I mean, there is nobody more capable on the walking stick than your ex-drill instructor.
08:25This is his wasp, you know, I was just swatting.
08:30Sex maniac.
08:39Nearly ready.
08:41Nearly ready for what?
08:43Ta-da!
08:48Valentino lives.
08:51Ah, shut up. I only changed my jacket.
08:54I'm still trying to work out what it is you've changed it for.
08:57What does it look like?
08:59It's a blazer.
09:01Does it light up in the dark?
09:03It's not too flash, is it?
09:05Oh no, good heavens no. Whatever gave you that idea?
09:08Oh, I thought you'd start being comical.
09:10Blimey, if anybody's dressed for being comical...
09:13You're the one that's always complaining about me not getting dressed up.
09:18So, let that be a lesson to you.
09:22Alright, alright. I'll take it off.
09:28Ah, no, no, there's no need. Not for us.
09:32Are you sure?
09:34Well, yes, yes. Well, I'm pretty certain, I'm sure.
09:38Couldn't you just cover it up with something?
09:41Like six feet of earth?
09:43I mean, like a raincoat.
09:45I've got a raincoat.
09:47I'll lend you mine.
09:49You don't like it, do you?
09:51Tell him. You tell him.
09:53I'm asking both of you.
09:55Well, it's... it's different.
09:57Norman Clegg, look me straight in the eye and tell the truth.
10:00Well, if you want the truth...
10:02It's terrible.
10:04Not exactly terrible.
10:06What then?
10:07Well, almost terrible.
10:09No, look, I mean, if you had the right trousers, if you could just...
10:12Look, see, make it fit a bit better round here, you know.
10:14I'd better put a half a yard of gusset in the back or something like that.
10:17Stop! Stop bawling me! Stop it!
10:19You see, it's better already.
10:21Now, look, if we could just shorten the arms a bit.
10:23There we are. You see, you'd look... you'd look... you'd look...
10:26Terrible.
10:28You know, the thing I want to know is, what's he up to?
10:30What's going round in that tiny mind, eh?
10:32Whatever it is, it's covered with solid brillantine.
10:37Oh, he smells like a gypsy violinist.
10:40I just wanted to do meself proper bit, that's all.
10:43Well, you didn't have to go mad, did you?
10:45Could have started gently with your trousers zipped.
10:48Take that off!
10:49I thought your zip had gone.
10:51I'm using a safety pin.
10:53I think that's the bravest thing I've ever heard.
10:57Thank you, Norman.
11:03Yeah, but what's it all in A-Dog, we ask ourselves?
11:06I just want my photo took.
11:10You vain little beggar. You had it taken at school.
11:13No, wait a minute. This might be worth encouraging.
11:16Perhaps he wants a passport photo.
11:18Perhaps he's going to apply for a passport and leave us all for a while.
11:22What would I want a passport for? I'm not going anywhere.
11:25Oh. Well, you could at least think about it.
11:28Yeah, you might like foreign travel.
11:30You could go ferreting in Mongolia.
11:35But I have to learn the language.
11:37Well, if you can't speak ferret now, you never will.
11:44What on earth's he looking for?
11:46Oh, happiness, good fortune, especially with his safety pin.
11:50I'm looking for my cover.
11:53You know, the trouble with you is you don't search in a methodical manner.
11:57I don't lose things in a methodical manner.
12:00You just go wading in, scattering bits everywhere, same as you do at mealtimes.
12:05Got a little enstamach in here somewhere.
12:08Yes, well, we know all about that, but at the moment, thank God, it's secure behind a safety pin.
12:13There it is. All right, come on, then, let's move.
12:16Where to? Let's go up.
12:18Isn't that likely to turn out to be Nora Batty's? That's right.
12:22But you didn't think I want my photo took in here.
12:26Have a look at it.
12:29It's graceful.
12:35I've always had this terrible desire to have me photograph took in Nora Batty's.
12:41Right, now, who's going to work the camera?
12:44You know I'd like to, but if it's got more than two moving parts, I shall only get me finger fast.
12:49It's that easy. All I've got to do is press this thing here.
12:53That's what they told me on me wedding night.
12:56If I were too for it, we'd get the hang of it.
12:59Give it to me.
13:01Listen, we might only get one shot. I don't want no fluffing.
13:05Good grief, I can operate a simple camera.
13:08I'll give you a hint on the brain gun, Max.
13:11That is a professional trigger finger.
13:14Aye, and here's two more to go with it.
13:22I'm standing here talking to your welly, and my advice is don't disturb Nora.
13:28She's all alone.
13:31She's been designed that way.
13:34One day, I bring a little colour to her life.
13:40You're willing that blazer look like an out-of-place zebra.
13:44Whoops.
13:48Hey, up, Nora, it's only me. Come to put an end to your loneliness.
13:53This is romance knocking on your door.
13:58Take him away. I want no advances from you.
14:01Come on, Nora, it's only me.
14:04Get off me step.
14:09We're all right. She's in a good mood.
14:13What?
14:15Read her like a book.
14:18My God, that's not something I'd want to read in bed.
14:22Don't stand down there, you two. Come up here, and we'll all press the bell together.
14:28Who's he talking to?
14:30Can't be talking to us, do you think?
14:32Who is he, anyway? I've never seen him before.
14:35I'll never get any help from you two.
14:39I'll be back, Nora.
14:42You're weird.
14:45You can't kid me. I know you've got a lot of passion inside that biddy.
14:50D'oh!
14:57Why, she is like Margaret Lockwood.
15:02It's just like having your own wicked lady living next door, you know.
15:09Oh, sorry.
15:14Well, you two weren't much help.
15:18He's very steady under fire.
15:20I tell you, she's not in a bad mood.
15:22They look like a bad mood to me.
15:24For Nora, that's a good day.
15:26But you came out here with a mop.
15:28Precisely. Very precisely.
15:30Which, incidentally, I could soon teach you how to sidestep.
15:33One of the elementary moves in basic bayonet.
15:36I don't have a sidestep.
15:38Then why didn't you?
15:41Have you never heard of sexual foreplay?
15:48You mean all that stuff she was doing with that mop was a sort of courtship dance?
15:53Of course it is.
15:55Quack, quack, quack!
15:57Quack, quack, quack, quack!
15:59Good girl. Good girl. Good girl.
16:02Isn't nature wonderful?
16:05I mean, for all the world, you might have thought that she was trying to flatten you.
16:09Yes, I know what she's doing.
16:12Are you trying to tell us she's encouraging you?
16:14Of course she is, that little darling.
16:16Rubbish.
16:18Listen, Noddy.
16:20When it comes to ferrets and women, I know how to handle them.
16:23Well, I just hope you never get them confused.
16:26I mean, the thought of Nora Batty let loose down a rabbit hole...
16:30No, listen, when she's using a mop, you know, she's just playing.
16:35It's just when I go too far, she belts me with the yard brush.
16:39His love life is pure poetry, isn't it?
16:41Why do you bother?
16:43You mean you don't know?
16:45You mean when you look at that woman, she doesn't send your pulses racing?
16:50Only for cover.
16:52Well, she frightens me, and I've tackled the Hermann Goring division.
16:57You should see her by moonlight coming back from bingo.
17:02She always gets dolled up for bingo.
17:04It's funny, most women do.
17:06You know, I'd be quite happy being a plaything of a bunch of bingo lovers.
17:12Watch that camera.
17:14I am watching the camera.
17:16Good God, man, I'm not a novice when it comes to precision instruments.
17:21Oh, you dogs of great brawn!
17:24Did you feel it?
17:26Did you feel it, that... that earth tremor?
17:29It ran right under my boots.
17:31A sort of... a sort of quiver.
17:34Of course, it may be that I'm quicker to detect these things than an average civilian, but...
17:38I didn't just drop it, you know.
17:40No, it was decision time.
17:42It was a question of having me hands-free to save both of you from the earthquake.
17:48What earthquake?
17:50Ah, well, fortunately, it didn't develop.
17:53Well, it sounds like a fairly accurate diagnosis of this camera.
17:57Oh, no, no, give it to me, it'll... it'll be all right, it...
18:02Oh, no, they always rattle a bit, you know, it'll... it'll be all right.
18:06That's very good for a camera, you know, wallop.
18:09Some fraud bouncing it on the floor.
18:11Well, if you want me to find out, we'll take a photograph.
18:14Oh, no, I've already had my photograph taken.
18:16Oh, watch it, I don't know whether there's any film left.
18:18I had it taken on my wedding day.
18:20Well, you ought to try the camera.
18:22Especially as I took all that trouble to drop it somewhere safe out of the way of the earthquake.
18:25I'll try the camera.
18:27They photographed me with my wife, and then they photographed me with the bridesmaids.
18:32And the rest of the day was pretty boring, too.
18:36Yeah.
18:37Look, where's he gone now?
18:39Where are you going?
18:41Next door.
18:42What are you going there again for?
18:44I've got to have me photo took.
18:46In Nora's bedroom.
18:49I think he means it.
18:50I do mean it.
18:51I didn't know...
18:52That's ridiculous.
18:54That's what they said about climbing Mount Everest.
18:56Right, you know, Foggy, it must be one of the few last unexplored places left.
19:01You see, Norman understands.
19:03It's a sort of ambition, Norman.
19:05You know, I want to hand round this photograph in the pub.
19:08You know, say, hey, Baldy, that's me in Nora's bedroom.
19:13But she'll never let you near.
19:15Look, I know it's not going to be easy.
19:18But I just want to be able to crack this one spectacular achievement.
19:23It makes you proud to be English.
19:25Are you going to stick a Union Jack on her?
19:29I know I've not done much with my life, except enjoy it.
19:33I mean, when have I ever got down to something that made people gasp and nudge each other?
19:41Well, there was her that used to drive that dumper for my cow pins.
19:45Oh, ah.
19:47No, no, no, me mind's made up.
19:49I'm going to have me photo took.
19:51All right, well, we won't stand in your way.
19:52No, no, no.
19:53Great.
19:54That's what friends are for.
19:55Right, definitely.
19:56Of course, I shall need some help.
20:00And I was going...
20:01Come back here, you rotten devil!
20:06Norm, Norm, Norm, hang on a minute.
20:10We don't wish to be rude, stranger.
20:13Personally speaking, I have no objection to being rude.
20:16All we need...
20:17What's this we?
20:19Is to knock on Nora's door.
20:22Well, that's a damn reckless thing to suggest to anybody, knocking on Nora's bloody door.
20:27Listen, all we need is a reasonable story for getting in the house.
20:32I mean, what kind of a reasonable story is going to get us in the house?
20:35Well, we know Wally's not at home, so we'll say we've come to see Wally.
20:40She'll say he's not in, so we say, OK, thanks very much.
20:43We'll wait.
20:48Get off me steps!
20:52She said, get off me steps.
20:54She always says that.
20:56Take off your dozy, love.
20:58No, I tell a lie.
20:59Sometimes she says, take off your dozy, love.
21:02Oh, no.
21:06Oh, I've written a bell.
21:10He means you.
21:11Oh, no, no, no.
21:12I saw him, he was talking to you.
21:15Oh, I've written a bell.
21:22I hate messing about with anything electrical.
21:25Listen, nobody asked me.
21:27I've got to get into Nora's bedroom.
21:30That's true.
21:31But compared to that risk, what can possibly happen to me?
21:38I warned you, get off me steps!
21:41Commenting a respectable married woman.
21:44I see the stoppages are still ringing.
21:47There he goes again, talking legs.
21:50Oh, he's talking legs.
21:52I think he's sick.
21:54I'm sick of them stoppages.
21:56That is no way to treat Margaret Lockwood's legs.
22:10Something always goes wrong whenever I touch anything electrical.
22:14Yeah, I wouldn't mind, but I was raising me cap at the time.
22:17You were such a fool, raising your cap to a yard brush.
22:21I hope this thing still works.
22:23It doesn't matter, really, does it?
22:25She's not going to let you over a doorstep, let alone into her bedroom.
22:29Whose bedroom?
22:30Nora Batty's.
22:34You might well ask.
22:36It's just a challenge.
22:38You mean like the last war?
22:41Well, like some of the bad bits of it, anyway.
22:44It's just an ambition I have.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:54What's up with you, then?
22:56It's that bit of furniture I bought for the auction room.
23:01I tried to shift it on me own, but I couldn't move it very far.
23:05How far?
23:06Just off me foot.
23:12What I really need is someone to give me help to carry it.
23:18Now, exactly what is this bit of furniture?
23:22It's a wardrobe for our Nora's bedroom.
23:40And you don't mind smuggling him into your wife's bedroom?
23:43Well, what kind of a world is it coming to
23:46if a fella can't do a little favour for his mates?
23:51He's helping to carry it wardrobe.
23:53Yes, but shall we be able to carry it with him inside?
24:00Of course I will.
24:03Three great old king blokes like...
24:07Yeah, well, two great old king blokes.
24:11Of course you will.
24:15Well, there's only one way to find out.
24:20Just remember which way up that's carrying me.
24:23Just lie down. Make a noise like a coat hanger.
24:33You know, there's something very satisfying
24:36about locking him in a dark, confined place.
24:39I can't think why it never occurred to us before.
24:43What about the danger of not being able to breathe?
24:48Why, are you worried about that?
24:50Well, aren't you?
24:51No, not really.
24:53You know, it might make us puff and pant a bit
24:55carrying him up the hill, but we shall see.
24:58I meant him.
25:01Oh, him, yeah.
25:03Do you think he'll be able to breathe?
25:05I don't doubt it for a minute. He'd do anything for spite.
25:10Can you breathe?
25:12Of course I can breathe.
25:14Stop putting ideas in his head. Get over to your end.
25:22He's gonna be heavy.
25:29Yes, you're probably right.
25:31I think a little lubrication is indicated.
25:39Right, ready where you are.
25:43Oh, come on, then.
25:49What are you doing up there, holding a meeting?
25:52Come on, all together now.
25:54Lift.
25:58Come on.
26:02Where are you?
26:05You all right, Lift?
26:07About time.
26:11Are you all right, then?
26:13Careful.
26:15Get in stead.
26:18You've got to get the rhythm.
26:22Here.
26:27Thanks for the lift, Albert.
26:29You're welcome, Albert.
26:34You're welcome.
26:50I'm getting a bit sick of being in here.
26:58What are you doing?
27:00Don't move.
27:03I nearly got me wellies in me mouth.
27:05Don't move anything.
27:07Well, it's about time.
27:12Hold.
27:14Come on, then.
27:16Turn your head round.
27:25Put it down.
27:33Right, are you ready?
27:35Yeah.
27:40You don't think I'm having a thing like that in my house, do you?
27:43But, Laura...
27:44Take it back to the auction room.
27:46Let them sell it again next week.
27:48Can't we just bring it inside?
27:50No, you can't. Not in my house.
27:52Well, stop pushing.
27:54Well, take it back down them stairs.
27:58Bloody hell.
28:01It said that.
28:03I did.
28:07Go on, get out of it.
28:18You...
28:20You damn bloody...
28:24Well...
28:26I don't know what the world's come into.
28:29You never used to hear language like that in a wardrobe.
28:32What did he say?
28:34I think he's trying to tell us that he's finished with photography.
28:51Come in.
28:58Thank you.
29:28Thank you.