First broadcast 2nd November 2011.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Andi Osho
Germaine Greer
Larry Lamb
Tim Westwood
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Andi Osho
Germaine Greer
Larry Lamb
Tim Westwood
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guests are, he's the silver fox in sheep's
00:29clothing, it's Larry Lamb! And award-winning stand-up, Andy Osho! They're here every week.
00:41It's Greg Davis! And Lloyd Langford! Ladies and gentlemen, Our Squad Gilbert!
00:59Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
01:05Questions like, what's the point of a four seasons pizza? Who wants to eat a meal where you're 100% sure that three quarters of the ingredients are out of season?
01:14Anyway, since when was ham a season? And another thing, why are food and drinks manufacturers so determined to wind me up?
01:21I went to a supermarket this week and I've got a few questions for you.
01:24Firstly, why are you banging on about how your cider contains 17 varieties of apple? I couldn't give a stuff!
01:30Do you think if you'd put 16 in there I'd have tasted it and thought, somebody's cut a few corners!
01:35Why do you call some lasagna, taste the difference lasagna? If you mean it tastes different to your ordinary lasagna,
01:41then that means that that tastes different to the taste the difference lasagna, so surely they should both be called taste the difference lasagnas?
01:47And let's face it, I'm never going to taste the difference in this taste the difference lasagna unless I eat both your lasagnas
01:52and then subtract the taste of the ordinary lasagna from the taste of the taste the difference lasagna.
01:56And anyway, I don't want my lasagna to taste different, I want it to taste like lasagna, so just call them both taste the lasagna and move on!
02:06In a world full of uncertainty we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.
02:11So as always we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
02:17She's one of those very rare creatures, an Australian intellectual.
02:22Oh bonza!
02:27She's considered one of the world's foremost feminists.
02:38She wrote an international best-selling book called The Female Eunuch.
02:47Yes, tonight's authenticator is writer, academic journalist and all-round smarty-pants, Germaine Greer!
03:02Hello Germaine, thank you for coming on the show.
03:05It's really cool to be here.
03:07Yeah, I'm quite right you're saying cool there.
03:09Second childhood.
03:11It was a glance over to me to say, are kids still saying that?
03:15I've got a level with you, I've got no idea.
03:18Lloyd, are kids still saying cool? You're the youngest.
03:21No, they say sick now.
03:23Sick?
03:24Wicked. So you don't say wicked anymore?
03:26No.
03:27Well I don't Germaine, because I'm 28.
03:32How will you be helping us tonight?
03:33I'm here to provide you and the panel with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions. Cool?
03:40Wonderful.
03:41When I think we have an answer, I will do this.
03:45Have you, what have you learnt recently, Andy?
03:50I learnt recently that, you know when you use a mobile phone, that you don't get a little bit of your voice in the speaker?
03:58And that's why people shout.
04:00Like okay, when you're on a landline phone, you get a little bit of your own voice in the speaker,
04:04so when you're talking, you're hearing a little bit of yourself as well as the other person.
04:08But when you're on a mobile, you don't hear yourself.
04:10Are you saying that when you're on a phone, a mobile phone, you...
04:15You've got no idea what you're saying.
04:16Landline phone, you don't go, hello, I'm on my landline, can you hear me now?
04:20Can you hear me now? You don't get that.
04:22No, but there's not a train going past either in their lounge, is there?
04:25Honestly, I'm not arguing about this, because this is a true fact, rather than a made up one.
04:29Are you working for a landline company?
04:33Hey Larry, I've got a question for you.
04:34Tell me.
04:35I heard...
04:36I heard...
04:37I heard...
04:38I heard...
04:39As I said that, it came out wrong.
04:41It's amazing I could hear it, because I haven't got a landline.
04:49I heard this week...
04:52That you were in the film Superman 3.
04:55Is that correct?
04:57Oh my God.
04:58I was in all three Superman films.
05:01Yep, it was only me and Christopher Reeve that were in all three.
05:03Who were you in it?
05:04Not a...
05:05Not very important people in the first two.
05:08And then I played a coal miner in the third one.
05:11Alright, I just really want to watch all three Superman films.
05:14That'll improve your life.
05:18Do you know how right you are, Larry?
05:20So, let's find out who wants to know what tonight.
05:23Who have we got?
05:25Oh.
05:28Rod.
05:29When everyone's talking about Wayne Rooney's new hair transplant,
05:32why don't people spare a thought for the victim?
05:39Oh, look, hang on a minute.
05:40His friend in the show...
05:43He is King Myung Il every week.
05:44We have at least one question from King Myung Il.
05:47He just keeps sending pictures of himself with a question.
05:50And this week, what's he asking this week?
05:52Hi, Rod.
05:53Have you ever stood too far away from a lift?
06:02Let's see what these horses want to know, shall we?
06:08Rod, do you think it was a mistake to cast Brian Blessed as the 400th?
06:20This is our first question.
06:21Who wants to know what?
06:22It is DJ Westwood.
06:25What does he want to know?
06:27Yo, Rod.
06:28It's Westwood.
06:29Now, as a DJ, I still love to play the vinyl records on the wheels of steel.
06:34But without the paper,
06:37the vinyl gets destroyed.
06:39So here's a question for you, Rod.
06:41What was the most important invention?
06:44Was it paper,
06:46or was it the wheel?
06:51Yeah, boy!
06:53Was it paper, or was it the wheel?
06:55Can you see what you can find out,
06:56and I will ask our lovely panel to see what they think.
06:59We could get rid of paper now, though, couldn't we?
07:01No, I don't think we could get rid of paper.
07:03We've got computers and emails.
07:04You could get rid of wheels.
07:06You could just have triangular ones.
07:07Triangular wheels.
07:09Oh, it's still a wheel, isn't it?
07:11Even if it's not completely spherical, it's still a wheel.
07:13Oh, in that case, if anything that is a shape is a wheel...
07:15Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.
07:17That's not fair.
07:18Anything that's used as paper...
07:19Anything that's used as paper is paper, then?
07:22Yeah.
07:23Right, so my hand is now paper.
07:25I'm now called...
07:26I'm paper hands.
07:27I'm Edward Paperhands.
07:28It's probably the same as...
07:30That's rubbish to go,
07:31anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.
07:33No, it's not.
07:34A wheel is a wheel.
07:35So, your purposes just define a wheel.
07:37In that case...
07:38Look, look, I'm getting my pen over to Andy using my wheel.
07:41I can see your hands.
07:42What you're saying is, in that case,
07:44we can get rid of wheels and just have crows as wheels.
07:47Is that what you're saying?
07:48I can't do a Christmas card on my hand, can I?
07:51I can't say, oh, I've got to do my Christmas cards.
07:53Happy Christmas, everyone.
07:56What do you think, Larry?
07:57Paper or the wheel?
07:59It's got to be the wheel.
08:00Why?
08:01Everything that runs, everything that moves,
08:03everything that operates the world that we live in
08:06basically uses the wheel.
08:08Everything.
08:09Whatever.
08:10You can't print paper without the wheel nowadays.
08:12No question.
08:13Look at that.
08:14Takes a confident sip of water.
08:16That's the case for the prosecution.
08:17I rest.
08:18That's it.
08:19I think paper's more important.
08:20You can have a BD instead of toilet paper.
08:22You can.
08:23In ancient times, they used to use their hands.
08:26Everyone still uses their hands.
08:27They just have toilet paper on as well.
08:34In Japan, they don't, actually.
08:37I went to Tokyo and they have an incredibly accurate bidet toilet there.
08:41Incredibly accurate.
08:43Is it fun?
08:44Well, let's just say it was almost life-changing.
08:47Really?
08:49You press a button and I can only presume there's a tiny sniper in there
08:54who just gets it, boom, right in the hot spot.
08:58Really?
09:01Can you imagine a world without toilet paper, Germaine?
09:03I disapprove of toilet paper
09:05because it's covered half the world in Monterey Pine.
09:08But you can't wipe your bottom on a wheel.
09:10That's certainly true.
09:12You can wipe your bottom on anything.
09:13You can wipe your bottom on a Rubik's Cube if you wanted to.
09:17The paper or the wheel.
09:20What would Chamberlain have come back and said?
09:22I haven't my hand.
09:23Oh, actually, nothing.
09:24Sorry.
09:26He wouldn't have come back and gone,
09:27I haven't my hand.
09:28Oh, nothing.
09:29Sorry.
09:30He would have said,
09:31I've been having a chat with Hitler, wouldn't I?
09:33Yeah, but nobody would remember that as a great speech.
09:35It's a great speech because he goes,
09:36I have in my hand a piece of paper.
09:38Because he did have paper.
09:39If he'd said, I haven't my hand a piece of slate,
09:44I'd have gone, so what?
09:46Go do somebody's roof.
09:47What?
09:51Have you got any facts for us about wheels or papers or inventions or anything?
09:55The wheel has certainly been around longer than paper.
09:59Pictures of vehicles with wheels appear on pottery that's over 5,000 years old,
10:05whereas paper only goes back about 2,000 years.
10:09I don't get that.
10:10If there was wheels on pots,
10:12pictures of wheels on vehicles on pots,
10:14does that mean at some point that potters had potter's wheels going
10:18before they'd thought about these things?
10:21They used to make pots with just that.
10:24Coiled pots.
10:25No, you'd have to have a wheel to make a round pot.
10:28No, you don't.
10:29Otherwise that's a wall.
10:30No, you roll the clay like a snake and then you wind it round.
10:34You wind it like that.
10:35Coiled pots.
10:36That's how they made the original pots.
10:38We used to do it in primary school.
10:39That's it.
10:40How do you know so much about pots?
10:41Because he went to school in England.
10:45In Wales, your homework projects were,
10:46go and chase that pig with it.
10:50Chase that pig to catch him and smack his head in with a hammer.
10:55How do you know I got a beating pig chasing?
10:59Well, I've got the results of a survey here.
11:02Tesco Mobile asked 4,000 people
11:06what they thought the best inventions of all time were.
11:10Now, ignoring paper and the wheel,
11:13I've got the top three here.
11:15I want our panel to see if they can guess
11:17the top three inventions of all time.
11:19What do you reckon?
11:20Greg, number three.
11:21Milkshake.
11:22Sorry?
11:24Milkshake, is it there?
11:26Larry.
11:27Well, I sort of think that probably the steam engine,
11:29the telephone and electricity.
11:32Andy.
11:34I'm going to say the internet.
11:36Is it there?
11:41Dishwasher should be there, shouldn't it?
11:45I love my dishwasher.
11:46It's like a husband, only better,
11:48because it does what you tell it,
11:49when you tell it, and the rest of the time it shuts up.
11:54You surprised me there, Jane.
11:55I would have thought you'd have hated your dishwasher.
11:57Oh, I love it.
11:58Being a feminist is taking one of your jobs away.
12:05One last one.
12:06Come on.
12:07The contraceptive pill.
12:08Argh!
12:09It's number ten, and only a man would possibly say that.
12:14Jeepers.
12:16You might as well say chlamydia.
12:19Chlamydia, is it there?
12:23What are they, then, if we don't give up?
12:25Well, number two.
12:27It is the light bulb.
12:29Yeah.
12:30What's the first one?
12:32Aeroplane.
12:33Get off.
12:34Get away.
12:35It wasn't me, it was them.
12:36That's more important than the invention of the plate.
12:39Why is the aeroplane hanging out at the top?
12:41Imagine doing a long-haul flight,
12:43and the stewardess coming by,
12:44would you like a beer, sir?
12:50Are we any closer to an answer, Germaine?
12:51Well, I've got someone on the phone
12:53who should be able to give us an answer,
12:55and that's Dr Colin Brown
12:57from the Institution of Mechanical Engineers.
13:02Say hello, Rod.
13:03Hello.
13:04Hello, this is Rod, how are you?
13:05I'm very well, Rod.
13:06Looking forward to your questions.
13:07Well, we've...
13:08Have you been listening to the conversation?
13:10I have, and I've heard some interesting stuff
13:12and some silly stuff.
13:13Have you?
13:14The wheel is in everything.
13:15It makes electricity, it pumps water, it pumps gas.
13:18You're not going to be able to get home tonight without a wheel.
13:21Well, I could just walk home.
13:23You could, but you're probably going to use streetlights
13:25to illuminate the way that you go.
13:27Nope.
13:29It seems like we're counting anything round as a wheel,
13:33because there's some things that are round that rotate,
13:36but they're not wheels.
13:37It's anything that's got an axle.
13:39It's not a roller, it's not like a tree trunk
13:41or something like that.
13:42It's something that's got an axle,
13:43and all the things that we've talked about
13:45have a sort of an axle that you can control.
13:47So can you sum it up for us, Dr Brown?
13:49The wheel is the more important?
13:51It is by far the more important and will never be substituted.
13:54Oh, a bold claim, but I will take that as an answer.
13:57Thank you.
14:05So, Westwood, you wanted to know
14:07whether paper or the wheel was more important,
14:09and the answer is that wheel beats paper.
14:11I met a man once who said he was a paper millionaire,
14:14which didn't mean much to me.
14:15I then met a man who said he was a wheel millionaire.
14:17It was Jonathan Ross.
14:24And I am awarding that round to Greg.
14:31Let's see who else has a question for us.
14:34Lord Sugar, are you a fan of The Apprentice, do you think?
14:37No.
14:41I find it brutal.
14:43Do you?
14:44It's pretty cool, right?
14:48I hate it.
14:49Don't you think it's made business quite sexy, though?
14:51Quite a boring thing, quite sexy.
14:53Yeah, just look at him.
14:59Ah, Bjork.
15:00Hey, Rod, what's your favourite quality street?
15:07It's the Toffee Penny, since you ask.
15:09Let's have a question from Boris Johnson.
15:11Do you know, can I tell you something about Boris Johnson?
15:14You can tell me whatever you like about Boris Johnson.
15:16Well, it's about his dad,
15:17cos apparently him and his dad look really similar,
15:19and his dad, like, rides a bike as well,
15:21and his dad was out on his bike one day, just riding along,
15:24and some geezer just shouted out,
15:25and, like, Johnson, you wanker,
15:27and he went, I think you mean my son.
15:32His name's Stanley Johnson,
15:34and he tells a story that he was in a car I was driving
15:38in Bucharest,
15:40but he tells this story that I was banging on about something
15:43and he was so overcome with the tedium of it all
15:47that he opened the door and just allowed himself to fall out
15:52at a stoplight,
15:54and I drove on without him.
15:56Wait, what's a stoplight?
15:58I thought you told a story so dull
15:59somebody'd thrown themselves from a moving vehicle.
16:02You just carried on talking and driving, did you?
16:04Yes, well, I wasn't going to go back for bloody Stanley Johnson, was I?
16:11Oh, look, pandas.
16:13Hi, Rod, what's all the fuss about? There's loads of us.
16:21It's our next round, The World Asks.
16:24Let's see who wants to know what.
16:27Ah, it's a rodeo cowboy. What does he want to know?
16:30Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Gilbert.
16:32Here at the rodeo, sometimes the animals seem to be more in control of us
16:35than we are of them.
16:36What I want to know, if all humans were to become extinct,
16:39which animal do you think would take over the world?
16:44I thought he was going to ask what happens
16:46when you cross a hat with a paper aeroplane.
16:50What is that? What is wrong with his hat?
16:58If humans became extinct, what animal would take over?
17:01Can you see what you can find out, Jermaine, and I will talk to our panel?
17:04Who's going to take over, then, if humans become extinct?
17:06I think the insects.
17:09They have the numbers, they just haven't got the organisation at the moment.
17:12Birds eat insects.
17:14Nothing can beat monkeys, though. Monkeys are going to take over, aren't they?
17:17Birds can beat monkeys.
17:19No, birds don't beat monkeys in Papers As A Stone animal world.
17:22Yes, they do. Bird eats insect, and birds would irritate monkeys.
17:27Yeah, and then monkey throws bird against wall.
17:32Just before bird hits wall, bird realises it can fly and just flies up.
17:35Monkey's thrown bird against wall two feet away,
17:37so bird hasn't got time to unfurl its wings before it hits wall.
17:41Bird doesn't need to unfurl wings, bird is bird.
17:45Have you ever seen a bird get up in the morning and think,
17:47oh, I'll just unfurl these.
17:50I think it's going to be the dogs.
17:53I think it's dogs, because we've given them the training.
17:56I think the dogs would, because you don't get sniffer monkeys, do you?
18:00Or sort of guide cats.
18:02The dogs.
18:03How would you answer that, Greg? You don't get sniffer monkeys.
18:05I answer that by saying that my monkeys will be riding on the dogs.
18:08Dogs will become the new horses.
18:11I don't think anything would take over,
18:13I think it would all balance itself out again.
18:15The animals would all get on with each other,
18:17some would eat each other and do whatever they do with each other in any way,
18:20and in fact, if you really boil it down,
18:22it looks like we're the ones that have come in there and screwed it all up.
18:25Yeah.
18:26APPLAUSE
18:30I've got a theory that of all the animals in the world,
18:33I think they probably can't understand each other from different countries.
18:36Like, if you took a cow from Devon and a cow in India,
18:39they're not going to understand each other necessarily.
18:42Oh, oh, oh.
18:43No, bear with me. I'm listening.
18:45The one animal that can understand each other all over the world,
18:48because it's all linked, is in the sea, is whales.
18:52Because they've got sonar,
18:54I think they'd find it easier to communicate and to coordinate.
18:57I've got sonar.
18:58No.
18:59He's got sonar.
19:00I told Lloyd this the other day.
19:02He laughed at me, I proved it.
19:04Good guess.
19:05All right.
19:06Can I just point out, Greg doesn't have sonar.
19:08He doesn't have sonar.
19:10Get me a paper, test me.
19:11Andy, can you put your hand over Greg's eyes to make sure he's not cheating?
19:14All right.
19:18Come on.
19:20Is he in front of me, though?
19:22Yes, he is, yeah.
19:23Off you go, off you go.
19:25WHOOP!
19:27WHOOP!
19:30WHOOP!
19:3412, 13 foot.
19:35Oh, very good.
19:40That is ridiculous.
19:42That is ridiculous.
19:43They don't like it, do you?
19:44Huh?
19:45They don't like my sonar power.
19:47I was perfectly happy with you looking like a whale,
19:49I just don't like you having sonar.
19:52Let's have a fact, Germaine.
19:54Any more information on what species may take over?
19:57Well, some animals are crafty enough to get one up on us already.
20:03Here's a clip.
20:04I've got the rat patrol on the patrol
20:07Foes that want to make sure my cast is closed
20:10Rat critics say he's money cash
20:12But from the hood, stupid, what type of facts are those?
20:15If you grew up with hoes, then you're zapped
20:18LAUGHTER
20:24I went into a little sort of seafood stand at Folkestone
20:27down on the harbour and bought some cockles
20:30and walked away from the stand with the cockles
20:32eating the cockles and a seagull swooped straight down
20:35and grabbed the whole bag of cockles
20:37and I turned around to the woman in the cockle stand
20:39and she just pointed to this sign which says
20:43We are not responsible if seagulls pinch your seafood
20:49I've got a little experiment here
20:51As a way of possibly deciding which species might take over from us
20:56If you look under your desk, each of you will have some hands down there
20:59from different species of animals
21:01and I want you to try and see if you can feed yourselves
21:03Yeah, I'd love to know what animal this is supposed to be
21:08A dolphin
21:09What have you got there, Lloyd?
21:12Hooves
21:17Lloyd has got hooves, Larry's got claws
21:20I've got... I'm webbed
21:22Well, we've got to eat as much as we can, haven't we?
21:24You've got to eat as much as you can
21:25On your marks, get set, go!
21:32It's a confident start from Larry with his claws
21:34Oh, he burns away with the tangerine
21:37Good effort
21:48Look at Larry lampeeling his tangerine
21:50like there's no tomorrow
21:51He's in, he's in
21:55Maybe you could collaborate with Larry on that
22:07Larry's doing remarkably well with the claws
22:10Listen, I'm going to go for...
22:12Despite the effort that Greg is making with that yoghurt
22:14I'm going to announce Larry as the winner
22:15because he's almost finished
22:16Larry is our winner, ladies and gentlemen
22:27While you put those things away
22:29are we any closer to finding an answer to that?
22:32Professor Dean Falk of Florida State University
22:36says it's the chimpanzee who'll take over
22:39Their brains come closest to those of humans
22:42in terms of organisation
22:44They've been known to manufacture tools
22:46and are quite a territorial and dominant species
22:49Therefore, it's possible that they could evolve into, by far
22:54the most intelligent species left on earth
22:57So Greg was right
22:58I'll take that as an answer
23:02Thank you
23:06So, Rodeo Cowboy
23:07you asked which animal would take over the world
23:09if we became extinct
23:10and the answer is chimps
23:12I'm going to award that round to Larry
23:14for his superb use of claws
23:22Next, it's time for my quickfire round
23:24The Audience Asks
23:25I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
23:27before we hear this noise
23:32You don't get the answer button
23:33There's no time for that
23:34We're just going to use this bell
23:37So, who's up first?
23:38No time
23:39Crack on
23:40It is Christia
23:41Hi Rod
23:42Hi
23:43What's the point of culottes?
23:45I think it's for the lady who enjoys wearing a skirt
23:48but's worried that she'll...
23:50But she likes something between her legs
23:51Yeah
23:54I'll do it
23:55I've no idea what the point of culottes is
23:59David Livingston
24:00Hello David
24:01Hiya
24:02Why can't you feel pain on the skin of your elbow?
24:12It's worth knowing though
24:13like in a fight situation
24:14if someone's attacking you
24:15to just hold up your elbows
24:18Technically, though
24:19I'm invincible
24:22Does anybody know what it is?
24:23I don't know what it is
24:25There's no nerve endings there
24:26There's no nerve endings there, David
24:31Laura McKibbin
24:33Where are you, Laura?
24:34What's your question?
24:35What if we were nocturnal?
24:37What if we were nocturnal?
24:38That's it, is it?
24:39That's your question
24:41I think that's a sexy question
24:42I like that question
24:43Why is it a sexy question?
24:45Because we'd have different eyes
24:48We'd have different perceptions
24:50Oh, that is sexy
24:52We'd have big luminous eyes like...
24:55Oh, I'm getting really turned on
24:58They're gorgeous
25:00Honestly
25:01They're wonderful
25:02If I see an owl
25:03I'm on it like a puma
25:07What if we were nocturnal creatures
25:08and take over during the day then?
25:09We'd have foxes driving cars
25:12and badgers working at Debenhams
25:18Brady McBeast, are you?
25:19Hi, Rod
25:20What I want to know is
25:21if your face was on the back of your head
25:23Oh, God
25:24what was it called?
25:26And your legs are still going to walk that way
25:28So you'd probably have to say
25:29that was forward
25:31Maybe we'd start to sort of
25:32walk on four legs or something
25:34And if we wanted to see where we're going
25:35we'd sort of do that
25:38Then our heads would be upside down
25:41Oh, yeah, you would be upside down
25:42Your head would be upside down
25:43Yeah, but your eyes could be there
25:44That's your mouth
25:47Bloody idiots
25:49Sarah Jane Morgan
25:50Where are you, Sarah Jane Morgan?
25:51Hello, what's your question?
25:52Hi, Rod
25:53Why are spiders getting bigger?
25:55Actually, what you're probably seeing
25:57is spiders from Europe
25:59are moving in and moving up
26:01and moving northwards
26:02That was David Bowie's
26:03disappointing follow-up album
26:06Spiders from Europe
26:08I got bitten by a black widow once
26:12It was my fault for disrupting the funeral
26:16Greg, are they getting bigger, spiders?
26:17Yes, they are
26:18They're getting much bigger
26:19Right, that'll do
26:21Adrian Hart
26:22Is that right?
26:23Adrian Hart
26:24Hello, Adrian, what's your question?
26:25Hi, Rod
26:27Your feet are always relative to your height
26:29unless you're a clone
26:33What's the question, mate?
26:34Are you asking if I, as a six-foot-eight man
26:36have baby's feet
26:37whether that would be abnormal?
26:39My sister was at the podiatrist
26:41and she said
26:42Do you know your problem?
26:43Your feet are too small for your height
26:45What problem was your sister having?
26:47Your sister isn't a deer, is she?
26:51Why would a podiatrist say
26:52Do you know your problem?
26:53Your feet are too small
26:55What problem has she gone there with?
26:56I think we should change the name of this show
26:58from Ask Rod Gilbert
26:59to Rod Gilbert Aggressively Interrogates the Audience
27:07Oh, that is out of time
27:09That's about all we have time for this week
27:11but then it's time for one more question
27:13and it is our special guest asks round
27:15So, Larry, do you have a question for us?
27:17Yeah, in terms of our lifespan
27:21when are we happiest?
27:23Jermaine, can you see what you can find out?
27:25What age are we happiest?
27:27Yeah, what age is it?
27:30I think when you're a baby
27:32they seem quite content, don't they?
27:34It's really easy to make them smile
27:36You just show them a bit of paper or something
27:38or a wheel
27:41Brilliant
27:42I agree with Andy, actually
27:43because I think when you're a baby
27:45or maybe when you're a toddler
27:47you're experiencing the world for the first time
27:50so you get really excited by things
27:53I can remember when I was a toddler
27:55getting constantly excited by seeing a dog
27:58and I very rarely get excited by seeing dogs, no
28:02Now then
28:04we do have some evidence to support this case
28:08about babies
28:09Take a look at this
28:23Oh
28:24Oh
28:28Oh
28:35Infectious
28:37It's infectious
28:40It is infectious
28:41but is that happiness?
28:43Is it happiness, or is it...
28:45Yeah, off the top of my head
28:47it looks pretty happy, mate
28:48Do you know what I mean?
28:49Is it consciously happy
28:51Just being entertained in an instinctive way.
28:54Maybe that's the brilliance of that, is that he's not conscious to his happiness, he just is.
28:58Absolutely.
28:59He is happiness.
29:00Just one thing about that, that babies too can learn what reaction you expect from them,
29:07and they can produce it.
29:08Oh, you're saying that baby knows what he's doing.
29:10I'm saying that the child has learned that the thing you do in this situation is you laugh,
29:15and everybody else laughs too.
29:17It's not as if it's funny tearing up paper.
29:19Doesn't it depend what's being torn up there now?
29:21I mean, maybe there's...
29:29It was actually the daily mail.
29:32You laughed at that, Germaine.
29:34I'm an infant.
29:35I thought the conventional wisdom was that you're happier when you're older.
29:39What do you think, Larry?
29:40Can I ask how old you are now, or what?
29:42I'm 64.
29:43This is the best time of my life.
29:45Is it?
29:46Yeah.
29:47Germaine, what do you think personally?
29:49When are we happiest, do you think?
29:51A lot of stress when you're a kid.
29:52I was very bored when I was a child.
29:54I was bored shitless.
29:56Were you?
29:57Well, nothing was happening.
29:59I couldn't go anywhere.
30:00I couldn't do anything.
30:01Why not?
30:02I went to school.
30:03I went home.
30:04I did housework.
30:05I read.
30:06You're thinking of Cinderella.
30:08You're never happier than being on a beach, digging a hole,
30:16seeing if you can dig to Australia.
30:18That's the contentment.
30:20You're just so easily pleased.
30:21Yeah, but there was no fun in that for Germaine.
30:27There were simple pleasures when you were a kid, like peeling skin and stuff.
30:29That was it.
30:30Where's that gone?
30:31What happened to that?
30:32What happened to peeling?
30:33I can remember, you know, you used to sit on the beach
30:35and you used to peel old strips of A3 off your dad's butt.
30:39Literally peel off a thing that was recognizably my dad and stand it next to him.
30:44It's true.
30:45It's true.
30:46It's true.
30:47Nobody knew.
30:48No, you couldn't.
30:49You couldn't.
30:50You became an entire replica dad.
30:52They had just skimmed one.
30:53Like a lizard.
30:54Like a lizard.
30:55Like an entire replica.
30:56So basically, you guys think it's babies, that you're happiest when you're a baby.
31:01Larry thinks it's the older age group.
31:04But I think I can find a scientific way of sorting this out.
31:08So how about we go to the lab?
31:14Welcome to the lab where tonight Professor Langford and I will be trying to work out
31:19at what age we are happiest.
31:21Will it be when we are in our old age, represented by Larry Lamb,
31:24or will it be when we are a baby, as represented by Baby Greg?
31:30To help us feed you, Greg, tonight,
31:32would you please welcome Andy Osho with her inexhaustible milk supply.
31:39Are you happy there, Larry?
31:40Happy as Larry.
31:41Happy as Larry.
31:42Good work.
31:44Let's feed Baby Greg.
31:46So we have some pork and apple baby food.
31:56Is it real baby food?
31:57Yes, it is real baby food.
31:58He's got a little bit dirty, so it's bath time.
32:00Lloyd, get the bath out.
32:01Mate.
32:02That's it, get some shampoo on that head.
32:05That's it, get a good old wash.
32:07He's complaining again.
32:08He must be hungry.
32:09I think he must be hungry.
32:10He must be hungry.
32:11Next thing is to dry him off, Lloyd.
32:12Let's get some talc on him.
32:13Talc him up properly.
32:14That's the way.
32:16That's it.
32:17How's Larry doing?
32:18Larry alright?
32:19Happy as Larry.
32:20Happy as Larry.
32:21Next, we've decided to take him to Playgroup,
32:23where the other babies draw all over the swampy-toothed newcomer.
32:32Next up, Lloyd, the babysitter, decides to take Greg to the zoo.
32:36No sooner have they arrived than a gorilla escapes from its cage
32:40and tries to force-feed Greg a banana.
32:43Oh no, it looks like Greg is choking on the banana.
32:46I'm not choking on the banana.
32:47Yes, you are, Greg.
32:50Luckily, the gorilla has learned some basic first aid
32:56and gives Greg the Heimlich Maneuver.
33:02Somebody, can we have an answer, please?
33:04Quick, give us an answer.
33:05According to the findings of a recent US study
33:08undertaken between three different universities,
33:10we are happiest around the age of 70.
33:1470 is our answer.
33:16Press the button.
33:18That is our answer.
33:21Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:23So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:25you can tweet hashtag AshBroad on Twitter.
33:28But for tonight, it is thanks to Larry Lamb,
33:31Andy Osso, Greg Davis and Lloyd Langford,
33:34and, of course, our authenticator, Jermaine Reard.
33:38I'm your host, Jermaine Reard, and that's been literally anything.
33:41Good night.
33:53How's the remake of Straw Dogs going down at the cinema?
33:56Claudia's here with Film 2011.
33:58Next.
33:59Or over on BBC Three,
34:00you're in time for a double-edged sword.
34:03Or over on BBC Three,
34:04you're in time for a double bill of Family Guy.