According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30No whale this way. I'll probably end up with your head, or someone else's legs.
00:56Something always goes wrong, I'm not building the hoax up.
01:02And we begin.
01:08Have you found any dirt on her yet?
01:10Her character is flawless, sir.
01:12Damn. And if her character is flawless, that means...
01:16I know. I'll have to frame her.
01:20No, sir! I meant...
01:23It's working.
01:25Now, if calculation is correct, portal should open now.
01:41It's working!
01:42It's working!
01:51Something is not right.
01:56We don't exist.
01:59How can this be possible?
02:04It's taking us to near-invalid reality.
02:08It makes no sense.
02:10What size is this?
02:12This baby's 50 inches of full crotch-throbbing pixel power.
02:17I likey.
02:20Too big. It's only for the bedroom.
02:31What about this one?
02:41What?
02:43Wait!
02:47I said wait!
02:58What was that?
03:01Did you hear something smash?
03:02On TV?
03:11No.
03:16I can't hold on much longer!
03:22Was it HD ready?
03:24It's a version of HD ready, yeah.
03:26No!
03:57No!
04:00No!
04:06Oh, yeah!
04:08Yeah, yeah, yeah!
04:13Where are we, Craig?
04:15Well, according to the size cancer, we're in a department store in London
04:19in the early part of the 21st century.
04:22Early part of the 21st...
04:24Isn't that when all the banks went belly-up and money became useless?
04:29I read about that in history.
04:32What a sound system, eh?
04:34Sounds like you're in the room with them.
04:38Well, according to the size cancer...
04:40Red Dwarf.
04:42It was a new series.
04:44I don't really follow it myself.
04:47It's science fiction.
04:49It's all a bit bollocks, really, isn't it?
04:51That size scan thing.
04:54Knows everything, doesn't it?
04:56Any bit of exposition.
04:58Just ask the size scan.
05:01How can it know everything?
05:03Talk about rubbish.
05:06Who's he, Craig?
05:07Well, according to the size cancer,
05:09he's a pompous, know-all, know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington.
05:14Who, incidentally, has a very small penis.
05:17How does the size scan know that?
05:19It scanned his email, sir.
05:21He's already on to his fourth tub of penis enlargement cream.
05:25Hey, birds, the porthole's closed.
05:27We can't get back.
05:29What do you mean, get back? We are back.
05:31This is Earth. This is home.
05:33And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate.
05:35Let's crack open the vodka.
05:44Is it me, or is everyone staring?
05:46Also, they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir.
05:49They're just laughing at your face, Crichton.
05:51Nothing to worry about.
05:53Back in the 21st century, they laughed at freaks all the time.
05:56They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights
05:59where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance,
06:02and then point and laugh at them.
06:04Simple people, simple tastes.
06:16Hey, hey.
06:18What are these things?
06:19They're digital versatile discs, sir.
06:21DVDs, for short.
06:23They were very popular in the early part of the 21st century
06:27before they died out and were replaced with what we use now.
06:30What do you mean, videos?
06:32Precisely. Back then, no one knew that the human race
06:35were utterly incapable of putting the DVDs back in their cases.
06:39Case in point,
06:41over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years.
06:45Videos are just too big to lose.
06:53Serious, look.
06:56Red Dwarf.
06:58This is us.
07:00It's a TV series about us.
07:02It recounts all our adventures, every single one of them.
07:06How's this possible?
07:08We're characters from a TV series
07:11who've somehow escaped the TV world
07:14into the real world.
07:16That explains why the dimension-cutter said our reality wasn't valid.
07:21I'm not real.
07:23I'm a character in a TV series. I'm not real.
07:26I'm not real.
07:28That explains so much.
07:30I'm not real either?
07:32Does that mean I'm not really this good-looking?
07:38Just typical of my luck, isn't it?
07:40Just when things start to go right,
07:42it turns out that I'm...
07:44I'm not real.
07:46Fantastic!
07:48Now, serious, we need clear heads and equanimity.
07:51Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover
07:54that we are just characters in a TV series.
07:57And naturally, there's going to be a period of acclimatisation.
08:01But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective.
08:05We're not real! What are we going to do?
08:08There, I think that's pretty much put it in perspective, don't you, sirs?
08:12This is too weird for words.
08:15Hey, guys, look at this.
08:21Back to Earth.
08:23That's the story we're in now.
08:25He's right. Look.
08:38DOOR SLAMS
08:49There's no disc in it.
08:52Coming soon. It's not out yet.
08:56Back to Earth takes place after Series 10.
09:00Kachanski's dead,
09:02and the crew are hailed through a portal
09:05and discover they are just characters from a TV series.
09:09Knowing they will die in the final episode...
09:12Die?
09:13The dwarfs, in best Blade Runner tradition,
09:17track down their creators to plead for more life.
09:20How are we going to do that? Easy!
09:22Hey, birds, give us more life! I'm pleading with you!
09:26See?
09:29First, the crew attempt to track down the actors...
09:33Actors who play them in the series,
09:36and their metaphysical odyssey begins.
09:39All my life, I've wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey.
09:42For years, I never thought I'd get the chance.
09:45So what happens next?
09:47Say it's a three-parter.
09:49No, not a three-parter. I hate three-parters.
09:53What if I'm not in that night?
09:56Say I'm busy. What if...
10:04Oh, I tell you what.
10:07Toilets here are medieval.
10:10Bet you felt right at home, then.
10:12It's not toilet paper.
10:14Don't use the stuff these days.
10:16Like I said, they're a simple people.
10:19They eat spam.
10:21I mean, there I am, in the cubicle, no paper,
10:23wondering what to do.
10:25You open the door,
10:27and see this room.
10:29Wondering what to do.
10:31You open the door,
10:33and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air.
10:36Then a twig.
10:38Tell you what, they've got a different system here.
10:41A different system?
10:43Yeah, well, you've got to wash yourself in one of the sinks,
10:46and use the air machine to dry your bum.
10:49And that's what you did?
10:51No choice.
10:53And those air machines are really high.
10:55It's like you're holding your cheeks apart,
10:58jumping up and down, trying to catch some breeze.
11:01I'll tell you something, they're not friendly around here.
11:04Try and start a conversation, no one wants to know.
11:07Where's Captain Crichton?
11:10Going to get some money.
11:12Haven't got a bean between us.
11:14Money? How are they going to get money?
11:16Some second-hand shop.
11:18Crichton's going to try and pawn his head.
11:20And what about seeing?
11:22Going to use his spare set of eyes.
11:24Hang them out of his neck hole.
11:26Now that's a good look, isn't it?
11:28That's not going to stand out at all.
11:30Hey!
11:32Any luck?
11:34They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir,
11:36and wouldn't take us seriously.
11:38We even offered to throw in one of his legs.
11:40Still no deal.
11:42How are we going to trace our creators?
11:44We ain't got no wheels, they ain't got no dough.
11:47Money?
11:49I know how we can get money.
11:56How much we got?
11:58We've got 15 combs,
12:002 mobile phones,
12:023 packets of gum,
12:042 condoms,
12:062 pairs of reading glasses,
12:08and 19 pieces of popcorn.
12:10I'm expecting to pull out
12:12Glenn Miller or Shergar any time.
12:14What about the money?
12:16So far we've got
12:1819 pounds and 43 pence.
12:21Now what?
12:23Well, according to this,
12:25we get on the tube
12:27and go to a science fiction shop
12:29called They Walk Among Us.
12:53This is too weird for words.
13:21Check this!
13:23Look, that's me!
13:25Look at that!
13:27And that!
13:39Listening to music?
13:41No, why?
13:45I was just wondering if you could help us.
13:47We're trying to find the guys
13:49involved in the making of a TV series
13:51called Red Dwarf.
13:53We're trying to find out
13:55if this is our last show or not.
13:57This is the weird bit.
13:59We're not the actors,
14:01we're the real characters.
14:03There's this kind of dimension thing and...
14:07Dimension skid, was it?
14:09Happens a lot this time of year.
14:11One minute you're fine,
14:13the next...
14:15You're in a new dimension.
14:17Got to be so careful.
14:19Thank God for that.
14:21He's insane.
14:23So you're after, like,
14:25cast info?
14:27Need some advice.
14:29Can't give you any numbers,
14:31but I know a man who can.
14:33El Presidente of the Red Dwarf fan club.
14:35Nothing that guy doesn't know
14:37about the small rouge one.
14:39We've got a fan club?
14:41New guy just took over.
14:43Bit of a fanatic.
14:45Changed his name to Reg Wolfe.
14:47People have to call him Mr Wolfe.
14:49His sitting room looks just like
14:51your sleeping quarters.
14:53Got an H tattooed on his head.
14:55It's not like us,
14:57he's a bit weird.
14:59Reg, dude!
15:01It's Noddy here.
15:03Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.
15:05Guess who I've got
15:07standing in my shop?
15:09Guess who I've got
15:11standing in my shop?
15:13Go on, guess.
15:15No.
15:17No.
15:19No.
15:21No.
15:23No.
15:25No.
15:27No.
15:29Shall I tell you?
15:31No.
15:33No.
15:35Shall I tell you?
15:37Shall I tell you anyway?
15:39I've got standing in my shop
15:41the real, actual crew
15:43from Red Dwarf.
15:45Had a bit of a dimension skid.
15:47Had a bit of a dimension skid.
15:49Yeah, that's what I said.
15:51Well, they're trying
15:53to find out how many shows
15:55they've got left.
15:57Exactly.
15:59Need some numbers, know you've got them.
16:01What?
16:03Why?
16:05Can't give out
16:07cast info. Space Corps directive
16:095-9-6.
16:115-9-6?
16:13Love it when he does
16:15this and gets it all wrong.
16:175-9-6?
16:19Space Corps
16:21super chimps performing acts of indecency
16:23in zero gravity will lose all
16:25banana privileges.
16:27No, sir, the crew's files
16:29are for the eyes of the captain only.
16:31Ah, so we're
16:33smegged.
16:35What's that?
16:37That's Dave Lister's
16:39bath from season 9.
16:41Best season ever, if you ask me.
16:43Awesome season. Best by miles.
16:45You were in that. Remember
16:47when Crichton ran in and told you that
16:49Kachansky had been sucked out of an airlock?
16:55Fish scale?
16:57Not fish.
16:59Could be a bit of poppadom.
17:01Who does
17:03need a curry in the bath?
17:05Maybe it's artificial snake scale
17:07from the one the polymorph turned into.
17:09Crichton?
17:11It's got a license number
17:13and a prop maker's name.
17:15Swallow.
17:17I've seen that name here.
17:21Here he is.
17:23Swallow and cast.
17:25Waiting for taxis. Fan convention
17:272009.
17:29Crichton, scan the photo
17:31and beam it onto that TV.
17:39Uncrop.
17:41Wait, what's that? Frame left?
17:43That card. Zoom in.
17:45Swallow. Pick up. 3 o'clock.
17:47Must be his taxi.
17:49Bet his address is on the other side.
17:51Pull out. Stop. Wait.
17:53I've got an idea. Track in.
17:55Stop.
17:57Enhance reflection.
17:59Need another reflective surface
18:01to get back across the street.
18:03Zoom. Pan right.
18:05See if there are any water droplets on that lamppost.
18:07Got one.
18:09Thanks Fido. Zoom 80.
18:11Enhance reflection.
18:13Stop.
18:15Rotate 170.
18:17Zoom 220.
18:19What's there?
18:21Flop.
18:23That's the taxi driver. There's the business car.
18:25Zoom 260.
18:29Rotate 90 degrees.
18:31Track in.
18:33Swallow's business address.
18:35Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker
18:37to look him up in the phone book?
18:39Print me a 4x6
18:41and any more remarks like that,
18:43I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal.
18:47Makes latex masks
18:49for the film and TV industry
18:51specialising in noses.
18:53Maybe we track him down,
18:55he'll point us in the right direction.
18:57But sir, how are we going to get there?
18:59That's over 30 miles away.
19:01I know.
19:03Hollyhock Drive.
19:05Back on Red Wharf.
19:07Matterpaddle.
19:09Back on Red Wharf.
19:11Time slides where you walk into a photograph and...
19:13Back on Red Wharf.
19:15Got it. Beam there.
19:17That's Star Trek.
19:19No, we don't do that, sir.
19:21If you've got no teleportation systems
19:23or antimatter reassemblers,
19:25no option.
19:27We'll have to catch the bus.
19:29Neurotic?
19:31I'm not neurotic.
19:33I've never been neurotic.
19:35Neurotic?
19:37Neurotic?
19:39Are they insane? Who writes this stuff?
19:41I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.
19:43Didn't have time.
19:45I was too busy washing my hands.
19:51Hilarious?
19:53In what way am I hilarious?
19:55Name one way in which I'm hilarious.
19:57One. Just one. One way.
19:59Well, you're pompous without reason, sir,
20:01and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals.
20:03Well, I'm lord of the Starfleet,
20:05and you'll pay for that remark.
20:07Four for Lumbton Street bus depot, please.
20:09Hilariously unrealistic life goals.
20:11That's true.
20:13That's so true.
20:15That's funny.
20:17Where's first class?
20:19Where's first class?
20:21It's all first class, mate.
20:23Excellent.
20:25Looking forward to the complimentary champagne
20:27and little towels.
20:29Look, let's split up so we don't look conspicuous, yeah?
20:39The actress who plays her.
20:43Of course.
20:45She's alive in this dimension,
20:47isn't she?
20:59You're Dave Lister, aren't you?
21:01Yeah.
21:03How do you know?
21:05We watch it with Dad on Dave.
21:07Dave?
21:09The TV channel.
21:11What's it like having a home?
21:13What's it like having a whole TV channel
21:15named after you?
21:17A what?
21:19You're pretty cool.
21:21Cool?
21:23You don't take any smeg.
21:25That's cool.
21:27And even though you're disgusting,
21:29sometimes you're quite brave.
21:37Are you sad about the channel scheme?
21:39No.
21:41We were sad too.
21:43So was Dad.
21:45Then we worked it out.
21:47Worked what out?
21:49She is not really dead.
21:51You are?
21:53Cripe was the only one to see her die right.
21:55See her get sucked out the airlock.
21:57But she didn't.
21:59She didn't?
22:01Cripe made it up.
22:03Why would he do that?
22:05You're a mess. Falling apart.
22:07Drinking.
22:09Being deaf.
22:11She couldn't bear to stay and watch you die.
22:13And you wouldn't listen.
22:15So she took a blue medic and left it.
22:19Why would Cripe lie to me?
22:21She was only trying to save your feelings.
22:23So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser.
22:27You've been dumped.
22:31I was dumped once.
22:33It was really horrible.
22:37Dumped?
22:39But that would mean...
22:43That would mean she was still alive.
22:45She is still alive.
22:47I bet you.
22:49She's really good at guessing stuff.
22:51That DVD, Titanic.
22:53She knew that ship would sink right from the star.
22:57She could tell.
22:59Even in that Bible film.
23:01She said,
23:03Jesus, he's not dead.
23:05I bet you.
23:07Next series, try and find her.
23:09Get her back.
23:11And kiss her.
23:13I would.
23:15There isn't going to be a next series.
23:17I'm a fictional character.
23:19I don't exist.
23:23I think you exist.
23:25I do too.
23:29Hey, I'll stop.
23:31Don't remember me to smug it.
23:35Bye.
23:41You think you outsmart me, yes?
23:43But you don't.
23:45I hear. Cut a second hole.
23:47Science officer.
23:49Excellent.
23:51So pleased you've caught up with us.
23:53You gave me slip, I know.
23:55You not won't be erased, but you won't defeat me.
23:57I too smart.
23:59Erased me?
24:01I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
24:03No.
24:05Hologram already dead.
24:07Morally, ethically,
24:09hologram killing fine.
24:11Fair enough.
24:19Come on.
24:21We haven't got all day.
24:23She didn't see that coming, did she?
24:25I did.
24:27Man, this is too weird for words.
24:29Knows well.
24:31Here it is.
24:33Maker of latex masks
24:35for the TV industry.
24:37Specializing in noses.
24:39Didn't know I could read Chinese.
24:41You really think this guy
24:43will be able to help?
24:45He worked on the TV show
24:47we're all fictional characters in.
24:49He's got to know the address of our creator.
24:51See, he doesn't.
24:53Well, at least you'll be able to pick up his bare nose.
25:01Hey!
25:03That's my coat!
25:05Give me my coat!
25:07Give me that!
25:09Where'd you get my coat?
25:11I get for
25:13Red Drop Costume Department.
25:15End of series 9.
25:17I steal many things,
25:19sell on eBay.
25:21I even
25:23sell on Amazon.
25:25I even sell on
25:27Amazon.
25:29I even
25:31steal car from
25:33Red Drop fan club president.
25:35Why are you here?
25:37Illogical.
25:39You should be inside TV.
25:41Questions.
25:43Need answers.
25:45How many episodes have we got left?
25:47Is it true we're going to die?
25:49I don't know
25:51that stuff.
25:53I just do noses.
25:55Latex.
25:57I don't know.
26:01Big Boss.
26:03He know everything.
26:05He big genius.
26:07He make your brain.
26:09He make your brain too.
26:11It was a Friday.
26:13How do we get to see him?
26:17I know man
26:19who know where.
26:21He know Big Boss.
26:23He know address.
26:28It's so cold.
26:30You said
26:32before you stole a car.
26:34Red Drop fan club
26:36president car.
26:40You want to borrow?
26:42Illegal.
26:58You can't be serious.
27:00We're not driving this.
27:02Sirs will be laughing stock.
27:08Well
27:10Vegas can't be choosers.
27:28The
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